ILOVEROSES   192,267
SparkPoints
100,000 or more SparkPoints
 
 
ILOVEROSES's Recent Blog Entries

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, all live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.'
She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door' $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
========================================
=

A little old lady named Lynn was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As Lynn walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.."
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman,I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" #########################################

Two elderly women named Ethel and Mildred were out driving in a largecar--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
Mildred, in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through.
Mildred in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Ethel, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Ethel turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
***************************************
emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BESEVEN 5/17/2012 8:00AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PHEBESS 5/16/2012 8:38PM

    Hahahahaha!

Report Inappropriate Comment
PEGGYO 5/16/2012 6:39PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
56ROSE 5/16/2012 12:19PM

    LOL Thanks for sharing this!

Report Inappropriate Comment
SAL2525 5/16/2012 11:24AM

    A very nice addition to a dreary day. Thanks for sharing!

Report Inappropriate Comment
INGMARIE 5/16/2012 11:15AM

    Funny emoticon
and It will not happen to us ,we are too busy sparking emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
ILOVEROSES 5/16/2012 10:58AM

    Mary Anne, I hope not for a looong time, at least 30 years lol.

Report Inappropriate Comment
L*I*T*A* 5/16/2012 10:15AM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MILLISMA 5/16/2012 9:52AM

    Ha, Ha!!!! I've read this before but it just makes me laugh and wonder what the future holds emoticon

Yup, this is where we're heading!

emoticonMary Anne

Report Inappropriate Comment


What Religion is Your Bra?

Friday, May 11, 2012

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable!

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only Four types of bras to choose from .
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic,
The Salvation Army,
The Presbyterian and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,"It is all really quite simple. ..

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!......
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen. And I can't get up!...

They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LUNADRAGON 5/12/2012 5:22PM

    Rofl - emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
BEEJAY49 5/12/2012 4:52PM

    Thanks for the giggle! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PEGGYO 5/12/2012 4:28PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PHEBESS 5/12/2012 2:19PM

    LOL!!!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
INGMARIE 5/12/2012 1:17PM

    emoticon emoticon

Thanks for todays funny. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
L*I*T*A* 5/12/2012 9:22AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PANFRIEDTROUT 5/12/2012 1:09AM

    what a way to end my day!

funny blog sending me to bed laughing!

thanks for posting

Report Inappropriate Comment
NANT406 5/12/2012 12:42AM

    Thats great! Thank for the laugh Ania. :) emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
XTRACATE 5/12/2012 12:28AM

    That was hilarious thanks for the laugh

Report Inappropriate Comment
ALICIA214 5/12/2012 12:19AM

 

Thanks for the giggle I am set for the evening now. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PLATINUM755 5/11/2012 11:53PM

    LMAO...that's great! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
TKBROOKS29 5/11/2012 11:49PM

    too cute!

Report Inappropriate Comment


DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS!

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
_____________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
________________________________
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
_________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
____________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'
____________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.'
emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OVERACTIVEELBOW 5/9/2012 7:10AM

    Good ones !!

Report Inappropriate Comment
FITKAT62 5/8/2012 9:54PM

  Thanks for sharing some great jokes.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MILLISMA 5/8/2012 8:03PM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
OPALMOON 5/8/2012 6:59PM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
BESEVEN 5/8/2012 2:39PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
L*I*T*A* 5/8/2012 12:33PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GOHUSKERS2 5/8/2012 10:16AM

    All good, but I love the last one....LOL

Report Inappropriate Comment
INGMARIE 5/8/2012 8:06AM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
NANT406 5/8/2012 2:29AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


Buying the right bathing suit.

Friday, May 04, 2012

Here's a giggle for all of you ladies: I hope you enjoy this as much as I did ....



When I was a child in the 1960s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.
The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!


You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!



"""You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future"""

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ECHAVEZ2 5/6/2012 5:31PM

    absolutely hilariousssssss! I'm tickled in my gut! Thanks for the humor

Report Inappropriate Comment
LOWFATFOODIE 5/6/2012 4:48PM

    hysterical!

Report Inappropriate Comment
PEGGYO 5/5/2012 9:55AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
NANT406 5/4/2012 7:25PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GEEKYGRANDMOMMY 5/4/2012 12:20PM

    so funny but so true

Report Inappropriate Comment
L*I*T*A* 5/4/2012 12:00PM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
INGMARIE 5/4/2012 10:11AM

    Hilarious, sitting here with tears and Gatoraid rolling down my face,laughing too hard.

Thank you. emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
DEELYNNE1 5/4/2012 10:02AM

    I totally empathize! For years I fought to find a swim suit that would (a) fit my too-generous body, (b) support my too-ample boobs, and (c) permit me to actually SWIM (as opposed to simply sitting in a chair beside the pool/on the beach. So I am now ROFLMAO after reading! Loved it!

Report Inappropriate Comment
JUSFOLK 5/4/2012 9:57AM

    That definitely gave me a few chuckles! Very creative writing!

Report Inappropriate Comment
GUCCI9300 5/4/2012 9:54AM

    HAHA - thanks for the laugh this morning emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


For Sale By Owner.

Thursday, May 03, 2012

You've probably seen them before, but it's a good laugh, anyway.

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, $200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
----------------------------------------

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

---------------------------------------
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here..
--------------------------------------
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how "I" spell it.
-----------------------------------
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
-----------------------------------
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me! (I Love this child)
----------------------------------
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
---------------------------------
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
--------------------------------
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
--------------------------------

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PATJ7084 5/3/2012 6:47PM

    love your funnies emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PEGGYO 5/3/2012 3:13PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GAYLLYNNE 5/3/2012 2:37PM

    Hahahaha, that's adorable!

Report Inappropriate Comment
GEEKYGRANDMOMMY 5/3/2012 10:19AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
INGMARIE 5/3/2012 8:06AM

    emoticonthanks this was funny and just great to read in the morning. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GOHUSKERS2 5/3/2012 7:03AM

    emoticon Nice way to start the day...thanks!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
PHEBESS 5/3/2012 6:30AM

    Love the kids!

Report Inappropriate Comment
L*I*T*A* 5/3/2012 4:36AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
BONDMANUS2002 5/3/2012 3:45AM

  ok

Report Inappropriate Comment


First Page  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 Last Page