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Some Good Puns.

Friday, May 18, 2012

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested."Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

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2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, ...
and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

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4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said,
"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

----------------------

5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profuselysaying,
"I must have taken Leif off my census."

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6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant.
The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...
the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides...

-----------------------

7. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said,
"Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
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GOANNA2 5/21/2012 4:44AM

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L*I*T*A* 5/18/2012 11:12AM

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Blond Joke of the Week: Chain Saw!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

A blonde man walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.

The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The blonde man is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the blonde man says, "What's that noise?"

****************************************
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Frank was a man who believed that numbers had meaning.

He was born on 5/5/35. He had five children and he lived on 555 East 55th St.
For the past five years he had earned $55,000 a year, working at Saks Fifth Avenue.

On his 55th birthday, he went to the racetrack and learned that a horse
named Numero Cinco was running in the fifth race that afternoon.

Five minutes before the race started at 5:05 p.m. he went to the fifth window and put down his life savings of $555,000.

Sure enough: Numero Cinco finished fifth.
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After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist
said something that brought tears to my eyes.
He said, "No hablo ingles."
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*******
The distraught patient told his marriage counsellor:
"I was in Brazil on business and I e-mailed my wife
that I'd be back a day early.
I raced home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend!
How could she do this to me?"
"Well," said the counsellor after a long pause,
"Maybe she didn't get the e-mail!"
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*******

During his hosting of You Bet Your Life, Groucho Marx interviewed
a contestant who had given birth to 22 children.
"I love my husband," she said, enthusiastically.
"I like my cigar too," Groucho said. "But I take it out once in a while."
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A lawyer arrives at the Pearly Gates and is greeted by St. Peter.
"There must be some mistake," says the lawyer,
I'm only fifty-two. I'm too young to die!"
"That's odd," says St. Peter. "According to your
time sheets, you're eighty-nine!"
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******

I had dinner with my father last night, and I made
a classic Freudian slip.
I meant to say "Pass the salt" and it came out
"You shmuck, you ruined my childhood!"
****************************************
**********

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LITTLEWIND53 8/10/2012 8:42PM

    emoticon Good Ones.....

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GAYLLYNNE 5/18/2012 6:57AM

    Thanks for the morning smile!

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MILLISMA 5/17/2012 8:15PM

    emoticon

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PEGGYO 5/17/2012 3:16PM

    emoticon

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L*I*T*A* 5/17/2012 1:34PM

    emoticon emoticon

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PHEBESS 5/17/2012 1:29PM

    LOL!

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INGMARIE 5/17/2012 12:37PM

    emoticonlove it, keep them coming.
Thanks emoticon

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TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, all live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.'
She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door' $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
========================================
=

A little old lady named Lynn was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As Lynn walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.."
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman,I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" #########################################

Two elderly women named Ethel and Mildred were out driving in a largecar--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
Mildred, in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through.
Mildred in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Ethel, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Ethel turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
***************************************
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BESEVEN 5/17/2012 8:00AM

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PHEBESS 5/16/2012 8:38PM

    Hahahahaha!

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PEGGYO 5/16/2012 6:39PM

    emoticon

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56ROSE 5/16/2012 12:19PM

    LOL Thanks for sharing this!

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SAL2525 5/16/2012 11:24AM

    A very nice addition to a dreary day. Thanks for sharing!

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INGMARIE 5/16/2012 11:15AM

    Funny emoticon
and It will not happen to us ,we are too busy sparking emoticon

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ILOVEROSES 5/16/2012 10:58AM

    Mary Anne, I hope not for a looong time, at least 30 years lol.

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L*I*T*A* 5/16/2012 10:15AM

    emoticon emoticon

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MILLISMA 5/16/2012 9:52AM

    Ha, Ha!!!! I've read this before but it just makes me laugh and wonder what the future holds emoticon

Yup, this is where we're heading!

emoticonMary Anne

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What Religion is Your Bra?

Friday, May 11, 2012

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable!

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only Four types of bras to choose from .
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic,
The Salvation Army,
The Presbyterian and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,"It is all really quite simple. ..

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!......
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen. And I can't get up!...

They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LUNADRAGON 5/12/2012 5:22PM

    Rofl - emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BEEJAY49 5/12/2012 4:52PM

    Thanks for the giggle! emoticon

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PEGGYO 5/12/2012 4:28PM

    emoticon

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PHEBESS 5/12/2012 2:19PM

    LOL!!!!!

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INGMARIE 5/12/2012 1:17PM

    emoticon emoticon

Thanks for todays funny. emoticon

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L*I*T*A* 5/12/2012 9:22AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PANFRIEDTROUT 5/12/2012 1:09AM

    what a way to end my day!

funny blog sending me to bed laughing!

thanks for posting

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NANT406 5/12/2012 12:42AM

    Thats great! Thank for the laugh Ania. :) emoticon emoticon emoticon

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XTRACATE 5/12/2012 12:28AM

    That was hilarious thanks for the laugh

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ALICIA214 5/12/2012 12:19AM

 

Thanks for the giggle I am set for the evening now. emoticon

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PLATINUM755 5/11/2012 11:53PM

    LMAO...that's great! emoticon

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TKBROOKS29 5/11/2012 11:49PM

    too cute!

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DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS!

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
________________________________
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
_________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
____________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'
____________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.'
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OVERACTIVEELBOW 5/9/2012 7:10AM

    Good ones !!

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FITKAT62 5/8/2012 9:54PM

    Thanks for sharing some great jokes.

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MILLISMA 5/8/2012 8:03PM

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OPALMOON 5/8/2012 6:59PM

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BESEVEN 5/8/2012 2:39PM

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L*I*T*A* 5/8/2012 12:33PM

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GOHUSKERS2 5/8/2012 10:16AM

    All good, but I love the last one....LOL

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INGMARIE 5/8/2012 8:06AM

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NANT406 5/8/2012 2:29AM

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