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ILOVEROSES's Recent Blog Entries
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Thursday, May 17, 2012
A blonde man walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.
The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The blonde man is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the blonde man says, "What's that noise?"
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Frank was a man who believed that numbers had meaning.
He was born on 5/5/35. He had five children and he lived on 555 East 55th St.
For the past five years he had earned $55,000 a year, working at Saks Fifth Avenue.
On his 55th birthday, he went to the racetrack and learned that a horse
named Numero Cinco was running in the fifth race that afternoon.
Five minutes before the race started at 5:05 p.m. he went to the fifth window and put down his life savings of $555,000.
Sure enough: Numero Cinco finished fifth.
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After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist
said something that brought tears to my eyes.
He said, "No hablo ingles."
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The distraught patient told his marriage counsellor:
"I was in Brazil on business and I e-mailed my wife
that I'd be back a day early.
I raced home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend!
How could she do this to me?"
"Well," said the counsellor after a long pause,
"Maybe she didn't get the e-mail!"
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During his hosting of You Bet Your Life, Groucho Marx interviewed
a contestant who had given birth to 22 children.
"I love my husband," she said, enthusiastically.
"I like my cigar too," Groucho said. "But I take it out once in a while."
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A lawyer arrives at the Pearly Gates and is greeted by St. Peter.
"There must be some mistake," says the lawyer,
I'm only fifty-two. I'm too young to die!"
"That's odd," says St. Peter. "According to your
time sheets, you're eighty-nine!"
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I had dinner with my father last night, and I made
a classic Freudian slip.
I meant to say "Pass the salt" and it came out
"You shmuck, you ruined my childhood!"
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Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, all live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.'
She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door' $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
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A little old lady named Lynn was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As Lynn walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.."
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman,I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" #########################################
Two elderly women named Ethel and Mildred were out driving in a largecar--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
Mildred, in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through.
Mildred in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Ethel, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Ethel turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
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Friday, May 11, 2012
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable!
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only Four types of bras to choose from .
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic,
The Salvation Army,
The Presbyterian and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,"It is all really quite simple. ..
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!......
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen. And I can't get up!...
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen!
Tuesday, May 08, 2012
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.'
Friday, May 04, 2012
Here's a giggle for all of you ladies: I hope you enjoy this as much as I did ....
When I was a child in the 1960s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.
The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!
"""You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future"""
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Mary Anne
