Friday, May 04, 2012
Here's a giggle for all of you ladies: I hope you enjoy this as much as I did ....
When I was a child in the 1960s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.
The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!
"""You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future"""
Thursday, May 03, 2012
You've probably seen them before, but it's a good laugh, anyway.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, $200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here..
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how "I" spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me! (I Love this child)
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
Monday, April 30, 2012
By the time you read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS".
And only then will you be ready to take on China !
Believe me... you WILL understand!!! Here goes...
The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a Hotel guest &
room-service in China ...
Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."
Room Service: " Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"
Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: " .......What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?...
Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...
Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy.. tea... meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we
botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I did say "By the time you read through this...
.. YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
And you do, don't you!
Friday, April 27, 2012
Thought you'd enjoy this!
It's one you want your Children and Grandchildren to read. They won't believe this happened, but it DID.
(This seems unreal.)
Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many, or more important decisions regarding our nation's history as any of the other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.
The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence Missouri . His wife had inherited the house from her mother and father and other than their years in the White House, they lived their entire lives there.
When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an 'allowance' and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year.
After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.
When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, "You don't want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn't belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's not for sale."
Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honour on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, "I don't consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise."
As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.
Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale (cf. Illinois ).
Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, "My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!
I say dig him up and clone him!
Enjoy life now -- it has an expiration date!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
A friend of a friend of mine was sitting on a front lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn.
He helped the elderly driver out and sat him on a lawn chair.
“My goodness” he exclaimed, “you are quite old to be driving!”
“Yes” he replied,” I am old enough that I don’t need a license anymore ”
“The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a driving licence. I told him yes and handed it to him.
He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the licence into pieces and threw them in the
”You won’t be needing this anymore”, he said.
"So I thanked him and left.”
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