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The Gunslinger

Monday, February 27, 2012

An old geologist shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance ... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old geologist -- not wanting to get a toe blown off -- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

*Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid. Stupid die young*

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

INFLATED 3/2/2012 5:57PM

    As scared as I would have been if I were the young gunslinger, I can't imagine saying, "but I've always want to."



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FITKAT62 2/27/2012 10:15PM

    emoticon

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IMNAHA 2/27/2012 6:51PM

    Great! I am gonna share that wi my DH!

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LITTLEWIND53 2/27/2012 1:21PM

    /Good one !

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L*I*T*A* 2/27/2012 11:00AM

    emoticon

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A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K

Thursday, February 23, 2012

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks..... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said.. "Oh, that's so lovely.. What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BUSYMOM911 3/14/2012 9:42AM

    clever
emoticon emoticon

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MIRANDA2112 3/13/2012 7:39PM

  I loved this!!

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FITKAT62 2/23/2012 10:45PM

    emoticon

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MILLISMA 2/23/2012 6:40PM

    Good one....I would you taken a swing at him also!

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L*I*T*A* 2/23/2012 9:59AM

    emoticon

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INFLATED 2/23/2012 9:19AM

    LOL! Men!

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ADZY86 2/23/2012 9:01AM

    Hahaha!

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INGMARIE 2/23/2012 7:39AM

    emoticonThanks for the funnies.

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CAREN_BLUEJEANS 2/23/2012 7:29AM

    emoticon

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PHEBESS 2/23/2012 4:54AM

    LOL!!!!

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SBNORMAL 2/23/2012 3:44AM

  LOL, too funny!!

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TWINNYGRAN 2/23/2012 2:30AM

    emoticon

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The Power of Beer.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

A man goes into a bar and drinks a beer. After every glass of beer he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it.

After the 4th beer the waiter asks him why after every glass of beer he pulls the picture out and looks at it.

Then the man says: It's a picture of my wife. When she looks good to me I'm going home.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LITTLEWIND53 2/21/2012 10:45PM

    Naughty man.....

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GAYLLYNNE 2/20/2012 6:45AM

    Hahahaha, yes, it does have power doesn't it?

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PHEBESS 2/19/2012 5:51PM

    LOL!!!

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INFLATED 2/19/2012 1:20PM

    Most of the time beer causes men to want someone other than their wives.

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PEGGYO 2/19/2012 11:59AM

    funny

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GOHUSKERS2 2/19/2012 11:15AM

    Probably actually done!!! LOL

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BOSS61 2/19/2012 8:18AM

    Ha, ha.

I clicked on your blog expecting to read something about the power of beer to trigger a gout flare-up (my reality). This was better, though I never needed alcohol to appreciate mine!

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L*I*T*A* 2/19/2012 8:05AM

    emoticon

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A Politicians Fate - Heaven or Hell?

Saturday, February 18, 2012

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator(that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.


"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."


And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.


The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.


In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.


Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, an reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.


They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.


Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.


They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.


Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.


The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Pete is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...


So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.


"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."


The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."


So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...


Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.


The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.


"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"


The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning,


Today, you voted.."
emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

INFLATED 2/18/2012 7:46PM

    LOL!

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PHEBESS 2/18/2012 7:19PM

    ROFL!!!!!

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MARYELLEN301 2/18/2012 5:27PM

    Politics is the same Down Under, I see!
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LITTLEWIND53 2/18/2012 4:42PM

    OOOOH, I like this one ! ! ! ! !

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L*I*T*A* 2/18/2012 12:16PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PEGGYO 2/18/2012 11:59AM

    funny

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QUEEN_REINA 2/18/2012 9:38AM

    ha ha ha Good one! Great way to start a Saturday morning, with a good laugh!

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Why I Like Retirement !!!

Friday, February 03, 2012



Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday



Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in the recliner.


Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.



Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Very true!


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Sometimes 15%.



Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.


Question:Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:They are the only ones who have the time.



Question:What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
So true.



Question:Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer:They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.



Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.


Question:What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.


Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.




And, my very favorite....

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.


SERENITY


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied...
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?



Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked..
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'




The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggsand have fun finding them.


I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.



Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.
emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OPALMOON 2/5/2012 3:13AM

    emoticon

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INFLATED 2/4/2012 5:23PM

    Funny stuff! My doctor wants me to wear compression stockings. I can't get them on. The one about the leotard is exactly how I feel when trying to get a stocking on.

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PEGGYO 2/4/2012 4:39PM

    emoticon

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LITTLEWIND53 2/4/2012 3:55PM

    Here's another one.

I can live with my Arthritis,
My glasses suit me fine
My hearing aids do what there're supposed to
But Lord, I miss my mind....

Have a great day emoticon

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LUVSBULLDOGS 2/4/2012 1:13PM

    Yup, all true.

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DESERTDREAMERS 2/4/2012 9:27AM

    Very good emoticon

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GOANNA2 2/4/2012 8:52AM

    What a hoot! Thanks for the laughs Ania. emoticon emoticon

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OVERWORKEDJANET 2/4/2012 5:58AM

    Glad I found this!

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TRYINGHARD1948 2/4/2012 3:50AM

    Definitely a great time of life. Long may it last! emoticon

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ARLENE_MOVES 2/3/2012 11:46PM

    I've been retired for 4 years now and everyone of the list is true. What a wonderful way to end my day. Laughing!!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GRATEFULADY 2/3/2012 11:22PM

    These are great!!! Thanks for sharing!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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AUSSIEJAN2 2/3/2012 10:45PM

    Oh mercy Ania. This is so true in so many ways, I about died laughing. I am busier than I have evr been right now, but I hope it will let up eventually. :D

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PHEBESS 2/3/2012 9:59PM

    emoticon

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L*I*T*A* 2/3/2012 9:23PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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