Friday, December 23, 2011
This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.
The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.
The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds.
Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks.. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
MAY 2012 BRING ALL YOU WISH FOR, HEALTH, PEACE , HAPPINESS AND FULFILMENT.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
'For *ucks sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow
for 2,000 roubles, or one from Minsk for 500 roubles.
Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were
amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and
produce more cows like it.
Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However,
whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter
what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could
not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise Rabbi what to do.
They told the Rabbi what was happening. They explained: "Whenever the bull
approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves
forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from
the side and she just walks away to the other side."
The Rabbi pondered this for a while and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
The people were amazed & dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where
they had gotten the cow.
"You are truly a wise Rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from
The Rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.
HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!
And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party..... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps.... with a hammer.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too!
Spread the laughter
Share the cheer
Let's be happy
While we're here.
Go Green - Recycle CONGRESS!
20 years ago the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
Now the USA has no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash.
Life's too short to drink bad wine, weak coffee or cheap whiskey."
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
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