Sunday, December 18, 2011
The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow
for 2,000 roubles, or one from Minsk for 500 roubles.
Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were
amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and
produce more cows like it.
Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However,
whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter
what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could
not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise Rabbi what to do.
They told the Rabbi what was happening. They explained: "Whenever the bull
approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves
forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from
the side and she just walks away to the other side."
The Rabbi pondered this for a while and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
The people were amazed & dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where
they had gotten the cow.
"You are truly a wise Rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from
The Rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.
HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!
And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party..... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps.... with a hammer.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too!
Spread the laughter
Share the cheer
Let's be happy
While we're here.
Go Green - Recycle CONGRESS!
20 years ago the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
Now the USA has no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash.
Life's too short to drink bad wine, weak coffee or cheap whiskey."
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
Friday, December 02, 2011
While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."
The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too, so I listened as the lady told her story.
"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered.
I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!
Complete darkness, the power was off!
Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."
"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed.”
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