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LONDON LAWYER VS GLASGOW COP

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LUVSBULLDOGS 12/13/2011 10:20PM

    That's great. emoticon

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AMARILYNH 12/13/2011 5:48PM

    Cute!

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SUSIEPH1 12/13/2011 5:11PM

    emoticon emoticon

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GOBBLER11 12/13/2011 3:22PM

    What a hoot!
Reminds me of several years ago when we were taking a tour of the Isle of Skye, and our driver told us joke after joke, what fun it was!

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L*I*T*A* 12/13/2011 10:09AM

    emoticon

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PHEBESS 12/13/2011 9:47AM

    LOL!!!!!!!

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DONNABRIGHT 12/13/2011 9:34AM

    Oh, my!

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GOANNA2 12/13/2011 9:04AM

    Cute. I love the Scottish accent... emoticon

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PEGGYO 12/13/2011 8:01AM

    very funny

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From 60s to present time.

Sunday, December 04, 2011

This is only for those who's level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...


60s: Long hair

present time: Longing for hair


60s: KEG

present time: EKG



60s: Acid rock

present time: Acid reflux



60s: Moving to California because it's cool

present time: Moving to Arizona because it's warm



60s: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

present time: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor



60s : Seeds and stems

present time: Roughage



60s: Hoping for a BMW

present time: Hoping for a BM



60s: Going to a new, hip joint

present time: Receiving a new hip joint



60s: Rolling Stones

present time: Kidney Stones



60s: Being called into the principal's office

present time: Calling the principal's office



60s: Screw the system

present time: Upgrade the system



60s: Disco

present time: Costco



60s: Parents begging you to get your hair cut

present time: Children begging you to get their heads shaved



60s: Passing the drivers' test

present time: Passing the vision test



60s: Whatever

present time: Depends


Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things..

The people who started college this fall across the nation were born in 1993/1994.


They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up on lift-off.


Their lifetime has always included AIDS.


Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.


The CD was introduced the year they were born.


They have always had an answering machine.


They have always have cable or satellite dish.


They cannot fathom not having a remote control.


Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.


Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.


They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.


They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.


They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".


They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.


McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old foggies on your list.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANT406 12/10/2011 5:06PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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INFLATED 12/6/2011 5:32AM

    You are talking about my generation. Kids do not know what a dial telephone was.

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LUVSBULLDOGS 12/5/2011 7:25PM

    emoticon

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FLOWERDALEJEWEL 12/5/2011 6:07AM

   

I think I resemble some of these .... sadly!! emoticon

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ROCKYCPA 12/4/2011 5:18PM

    Very funny and so true!

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SUSIEPH1 12/4/2011 1:23PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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L*I*T*A* 12/4/2011 12:05PM

    emoticon emoticon

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PYNETREE 12/4/2011 11:21AM

    loved this!

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PHEBESS 12/4/2011 10:50AM

    I told a group of students they sounded like a broken record - they had no clue what I was talking about!!!

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SUNSET09 12/4/2011 10:20AM

  Thanx and it does bring back memories. The first time it happened to me was I took my grandson to the library as I needed a typewriter to complete a form and did not realize, he didn't know what it was! I explained to him this is what we sued before computers, taught him how it worked and he played with it like a toy! Kepp living! emoticon

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EFFIEANNIE 12/4/2011 8:30AM

    Very funny and oh so true! Thanks started my day with a chuckle. Sue

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RIDLEYRIDER 12/4/2011 7:56AM

  Loved it!! Rock on!

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Hanging by my boob!

Friday, December 02, 2011

While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too, so I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

"Fine," I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DONNABRIGHT 12/5/2011 3:41PM

    Having just returned from my mammogram this afternoon I really enjoyed this one. Thanks!

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AGREENSLADE79 12/3/2011 1:15PM

    Thats really funny! :)

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INFLATED 12/2/2011 12:58PM

    Hilarious stuff! Oh the pain though!

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BESEVEN 12/2/2011 12:49PM

    emoticon

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SHUTRBUG1 12/2/2011 11:50AM

    Hilarious!

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L*I*T*A* 12/2/2011 10:30AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PEGGYO 12/2/2011 9:25AM

    LOL

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MACMOM57 12/2/2011 7:47AM

    Love it too cute. Thanks for sharing.

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EFFIEANNIE 12/2/2011 7:44AM

    Gee, is that really true? I work in a hospital and we would be very distressed if one of our employees did something like that. We strive to put our patients first and that is terrible!

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GEEKYGRANDMOMMY 12/2/2011 6:29AM

    very funny.

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GOANNA2 12/2/2011 6:24AM

    Good judgement.Really funny, thanks for posting. emoticon emoticon

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JOYLINNKNITS 12/2/2011 5:20AM

    It took me 15 minutes to quit laughing! This is hilarious! Thank you for sharing. emoticon

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SUSIEPH1 12/2/2011 4:46AM

    Hillarious!! Hugs emoticon

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PHEBESS 12/2/2011 4:45AM

    LOL!!!!!!!!!

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Paybacks for Women!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free.
Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
2 Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like .. Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOANNA2 12/1/2011 3:55PM

    Thanks Ania, you made my day! emoticon

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MARLIZG 12/1/2011 12:50PM

    thanks for your good wishes emoticon

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MARLIZG 11/30/2011 12:29PM

    on #13--u r right--i got a good one--married 55years tomorrow

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GAYLLYNNE 11/30/2011 7:12AM

    Hahahaha, thanks for giving me a laugh to start my day!!! I couldn't agree more!

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PHEBESS 11/30/2011 4:48AM

    LOL!!!

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KRITTERKEEPERS 11/29/2011 11:09PM

    emoticon

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ROCKYCPA 11/29/2011 10:43PM

    Very funny - thanks for the laugh! emoticon emoticon

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LUVSBULLDOGS 11/29/2011 10:33PM

    ;-)

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DESERTDREAMERS 11/29/2011 10:09PM

    OMG, I'll be snickering every time someone says "sausage" now!

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L*I*T*A* 11/29/2011 9:43PM

    emoticon emoticon

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MILLISMA 11/29/2011 7:43PM

    Love this one!!!!

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SUSIEPH1 11/29/2011 7:41PM

    I really needed that at at the moment !!
thanks for the laugh!
hugs Susie emoticon emoticon emoticon

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YESTODAYICAN 11/29/2011 7:25PM

    This made me laugh .... Thanks I needed that LOL

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Baby Boomer Life.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.
And, there on television, she said it was 'exciting...'

Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day......like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first.

The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!

Maya Angelou said this:
'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back...'

'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.'

'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back....'

'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn..'

'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PROVERBS31JULIA 11/30/2011 12:07PM

    I've loved her writings since reading "I know why the caged bird sings" back when I was in high school in the 70's!! I felt like she had revealed certain aspects of my life to me without her ever being a part of my life.... kind of like the Roberta Flack song, "Killing Me Softly With His Songs" where she said felt as though he had found her letters and read them all out loud - except Maya wouldn't sing them out loud and embarrass me! Just wrote them as if she knew what I was experiencing.... and I used to think, "how did she know THAT!!?" As a kid, I thought I was the only one suffering certain things...then later, learned otherwise. Wise Woman, indeed...

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Julia

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FITKAT62 11/29/2011 9:29PM

  So true!

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SUSIEPH1 11/29/2011 6:08PM

    emoticon emoticon

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TRYINGHARD1948 11/29/2011 5:34PM

    emoticon love it.

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CANDIS799 11/29/2011 3:23PM

    I agree -- getting older is exciting. You can never know what to expect.

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L*I*T*A* 11/29/2011 9:53AM

    emoticon emoticon

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