Monday, November 14, 2011
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. It is a horrible lie and one that a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
Monday, November 07, 2011
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
6. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
9. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
15. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
17. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Choose one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN…. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN… A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by.... The doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN.... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to wee.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Well, our first trip is just over and what a trip! We've had so much fun, great company with 38 other people, good Tour Director and Coach Driver and such beautiful places we visited! WOW! I will post photos, plenty taken but having problems with posting them on SP, lol.
Our next tour starts very early tomorrow at 8am with a 6am wake up call. Our first stop will be the quaint alpine village of Vail. We will continue west through the breathtaking Rocky Mountains, entering Utah and take in the spectacular red rock scenery of Castle Valley in the afternoon. We spend the night at Red Cliffs Lodge after a Cowboy BBQ on the banks of the Colorado River.
On Monday we explore Canyonlands N.P. and stop at the Island in the Sky, a mesa resting 1000 feet above the surrounding terrain. We had the afternoon at leisure and at 5pm we going for dinner and then an exciting sunset jet boat ride on the mighty Colorado River!
Tuesday sees us visiting Arches National Park! Then head south and back to Colorado and Anasazi Heritage Center. We end the day at Mesa Verde after enjoying a gourmet dinner inspired by Native American flavours.
Next morning we enjoy an in-depth visit of fascinating Mesa Verde. We continue to Monument Valley Navajo Tribal Park. We finnish the day with a Navajo ncookout amidst the giant buttes and mesas of this unique landscape while listening to Navajo storytelling and music.
On Thursday we head to Lake Powell, the second largest man-made lake in United States. We will board a ferry at Hall's Crossing and cross the lake to Bullfrog Marina and our lodge.
Friday we head to Capital Reef N.P. best known for its Waterpocket Fold, a 100-mile-long warp in the earth's crust. Then we journey along one of the most beautiful roads in the world, Scenic Byway 12, winding through stunning Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument. Arrive at Bryce Canyon N.P. and travel the length of this great natural amphitheatre.
Next morning we enjoy a last look at Bryce Canyon's orange and red rock formations glowing in the early morning light before heading to Zion N.P.
Later we head south into Arizona to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon N.P. In the evening we watch the colours change by the minute as the sun sets on the canyon.
On Sunday we journey along the winding Cape Royal Scenic Drive to Point Imperial and Cape Royal for dazzling panoramas over the Grand Canyon. The afternoon is free, perhaps taking a self-guided nature walk along one of the many trails.
Next morning we get to Las Vegas and I get to meet two of my Spark Friends, Jo Ann from Arizona and Grace from New Mexico!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
On Friday 16th September we begin the first of our 2 coach tours of National Parks.
This was the reason for our 7 week holidaying around the USA. Once we got those tours organized, everything else fell into place, including meeting so many of my Spark Friends!
We start from Salt Lake City, after an orientation tour we travel across the Oregon Trail and visit historic Jackson, Wyoming. After exploring Grand Teton NP we enter Yellowstone NP and spend a day there. We then travel through the Shoshone Canyon & Absaroka Rocky Mountains to the historic town of Cody, to visit the Buffalo Bill Historical Center. Then it's to the old cattle town of Billings, Montana.
We will relive 'Custer's Last Stand' at the Little Bighorn Battlefield National Monument. We continue across the great high plains to the Black Hills of South Dakota, and onto Custer State Park.
Next day we go to Crazy Horse Memorial. We will visit Mt. Rushmore National Memorial.
We then leave SD to travel across the grasslands & high plains of Wyoming. Stop @ historic Fort Laramie and continue to the Wild West town of Cheyenne.
On our last day we travel south and climb high into breathtaking Rocky Mountain NP, across the Continental Divide and over Trail Ridge Road to follow the beginnings of the great Colorado River to arrive at our destination - Mile High City of Denver.
That's the end of our first tour on 24th September!
Get An Email Alert Each Time ILOVEROSES Posts