Friday, July 22, 2011
Please note, I am blonde, lol.
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
Listened a moment and said 'How should I know,
that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife said, 'I don't know,some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact mirror on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up..
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the mirror.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
So she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun,
And as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
And a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.'
It definitely does NOT apply to all of us!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Did you hear about the guy who was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible
to get? Legless!
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and
take him home.
First, they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.
He falls down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud. After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband."
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few! Have a Great Day!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".
The man shakes his head.
"No, they're all at the funeral."
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