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Vatican Humor

Thursday, July 14, 2011

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth, ' says the Pope, ' they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today. '

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 230 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 230 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

*MADHU* 7/18/2011 11:40AM

    emoticon emoticon

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DOOBRIE 7/15/2011 3:42PM

    That's hilarious!

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ILOVEROSES 7/14/2011 11:40PM

    So glad you're all enjoying it! emoticon

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PATJ7084 7/14/2011 5:29PM

    BRILLIANT emoticon

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SUSIEPH1 7/14/2011 4:49PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GEEKYGRANDMOMMY 7/14/2011 3:54PM

    lol

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SUZIEQS65 7/14/2011 3:36PM

    OMG!...*LMAO*

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PEGGYO 7/14/2011 3:23PM

    Very funny

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DESERTDREAMERS 7/14/2011 12:24PM

    Oh, too cute!

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GOHUSKERS2 7/14/2011 11:11AM

    Very cute!!! emoticon

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PHEBESS 7/14/2011 10:53AM

    HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

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L*I*T*A* 7/14/2011 9:53AM

    emoticon emoticon

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SOXFAN76 7/14/2011 9:40AM

  Funny joke. I might have to use that one. emoticon

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The Irish.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and
they're going to drill for their own oil.





My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going
out for a pint of milk & never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad, I've been
using that powdered stuff."





The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."





Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know dis face but I can't put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!"



Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."





Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you
throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MILLISMA 7/13/2011 7:58PM

    These are good. I have some Irish friends I need to send them too emoticon

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PEGGYO 7/13/2011 3:45PM

    Hey, I'm Irish

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L*I*T*A* 7/13/2011 10:15AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MARYELLEN301 7/13/2011 8:50AM

    Too, too funny. I'll have to save these for my trip to Ireland in Sept!

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MRE1956 7/13/2011 8:44AM

    From someone who's half-Irish, just gotta say.....

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INFLATED 7/13/2011 6:28AM

    LOL!

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SUSIEPH1 7/13/2011 6:15AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Great Female Humour.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.'s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'


'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It "The Cockpit". It's "The Box Office".'


Quote of the Day.


'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So... if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh*t.'

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

*MADHU* 7/13/2011 9:57AM

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GOHUSKERS2 7/12/2011 2:32PM

    Love it....thanks for sharing!! emoticon

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PHEBESS 7/12/2011 12:28PM

    emoticon

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L*I*T*A* 7/12/2011 7:31AM

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ANPRA89 7/12/2011 5:59AM

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SUSIEPH1 7/12/2011 5:41AM

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Cauliflower: The Future of Cancer Treatment.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Remember this word: "sulforaphane".

It's what helps give vegetables such as cauliflower, broccoli and cabbage their, er, "distinctive" smell when cooked, but it's also the chemical that has been shown to target and kill cancer cells, leaving normal cells unaffected.

Clinical trials have begun on its potential use in cancer prevention and treatment, particularly for prostate and breast cancer.

But consuming sulforaphane-rich foods on a regular basis is a simple, safe and affordable way you can reduce your cancer risk.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOOBRIE 7/15/2011 3:46PM

    My favourite veggies!

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RUNNERMOMTO3 7/11/2011 11:05PM

    thanks for that info!!

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WATERWEEZE 7/11/2011 8:05PM

    They're 2 of my most favorite veggies!! Great news for something I already love....

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PATJ7084 7/11/2011 5:34PM

    Glad I bought two on Saturday emoticon

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SUSIEPH1 7/11/2011 5:09PM

    Great!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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L*I*T*A* 7/11/2011 12:22PM

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GEEKYGRANDMOMMY 7/11/2011 9:58AM

    Thanks, and I even like those stinky cooking foods.

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HEALTHYKIM101 7/11/2011 9:50AM

    very good info, thanks

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LRK4CHRIST 7/11/2011 9:44AM

    Thx for the tip! That was good info.

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MOTHERS!

Sunday, July 10, 2011


Real Mothers don't eat quiche;
They don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils
Are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors,
Filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried play dough
Doesn't come out of carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know what
The vacuum just sucked up...

Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?'
And get their answer when a little
Voice says, 'Because I love you best.'

Real Mothers know that a child's growth
Is not measured by height or years or grade...
It is marked by the progression of Mummy to Mum to Mother.....

The Images of Mother

4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mummy can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mum knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn’t know everything!

14 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother? She wouldn’t have a clue.
.
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mum? She's so five minutes ago.

18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it!

35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mum's opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mum would have thought about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mum.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she
Shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MILLISMA 7/10/2011 8:06PM

    This is great! I never went through the 12 - 18 stage with my mom and my kids didn't go through it with me either. I always felt so blessed.

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SUSIEPH1 7/10/2011 7:32PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PATJ7084 7/10/2011 5:05PM

    I lost my Mum when I was 19years old and miss her still! emoticon

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PHEBESS 7/10/2011 11:43AM

    I miss my mom!

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L*I*T*A* 7/10/2011 9:33AM

    emoticon emoticon

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MADDYSMOM8809 7/10/2011 9:28AM

  I love this post. I've heard things similar to this and they are all so true!

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