ILOVEROSES   192,003
SparkPoints
100,000 or more SparkPoints
 
 
ILOVEROSES's Recent Blog Entries

He's My Brother!

Friday, July 08, 2011

This is Priceless .

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of TAMPONS and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MILLISMA 7/8/2011 8:11PM

    Didn't see that one coming!!! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
FRANNIEDID 7/8/2011 12:58PM

    LOL, thanks for the laugh!

Report Inappropriate Comment
DESERTDREAMERS 7/8/2011 9:06AM

    Ahh, cute

Report Inappropriate Comment
L*I*T*A* 7/8/2011 9:06AM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SUSIEPH1 7/8/2011 6:32AM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
INFLATED 7/8/2011 6:32AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


The Zen of Sarcasm.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

(1) Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

(2) It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

(3) Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

(4) Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

(5) Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

(6) If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

(7) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

(8) If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

(9) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

(10) If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

(11) If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

(12) Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

(13) Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

(14) The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

(15) A closed mouth gathers no foot.

(16) There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

(17) Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

(18) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

(19) Never miss a good chance to shut up.

(20) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOOBRIE 7/8/2011 2:32PM

    Spoken like a true cynical! Love it!

Report Inappropriate Comment
ROCKYCPA 7/7/2011 3:30PM

    Very funny - thanks for the info.

Report Inappropriate Comment
GOANNA2 7/7/2011 2:18PM

    You always make me laugh.
Thanksm Ania. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MRE1956 7/7/2011 12:26PM

    emoticon

emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
L*I*T*A* 7/7/2011 9:16AM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MINNA72 7/7/2011 2:05AM

    Some valuable life lessons in there... emoticon

Thanks for the smile!

Report Inappropriate Comment
SUSIEPH1 7/7/2011 1:45AM

    Thanks Ania .. I really needed to know that!!
Hugs Susie emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


Senior Texting Codes (STC)

Monday, July 04, 2011

I thought you needed help with texting your friends...after all, the kids have all their little codes...like BFF, WTF, etc. So here are the codes for seniors:


ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friend's Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL - Living on Lipitor


LWO - Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

WTP - Where's the Prunes

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil



Hope these help!




GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOOBRIE 7/8/2011 2:34PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
RUNNERMOMTO3 7/7/2011 3:21PM

    FUNNY!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
*MADHU* 7/6/2011 10:47AM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GOHUSKERS2 7/6/2011 7:52AM

    Absolutely hillarious! LOL at most of them. I think my favorite is ROFL....CGU. That would be just the case! Thanks for a great start to the day!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
INFLATED 7/6/2011 2:37AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
JUSFOLK 7/5/2011 9:33PM

    I can relate to many of these!

Report Inappropriate Comment
PURPLESPEDCOW 7/5/2011 8:45AM

    love them!

Report Inappropriate Comment
ILOVEROSES 7/5/2011 7:58AM

    Good one Juleen! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
FLOWERDALEJEWEL 7/5/2011 7:23AM

   

I think I have another one after reading this

BIPMP Bugger I peed my pants!!!

emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
L*I*T*A* 7/5/2011 5:11AM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
CHLOE453 7/5/2011 4:38AM

    These were fantastic...forwarded them onto my mom!!! Have a great day and thanks for sharing. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
OPALMOON 7/5/2011 3:17AM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
NANT406 7/5/2011 2:00AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SUSIEPH1 7/4/2011 10:08PM

    Hillarious !! Thanks Ania !
Hugs Susie emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
-WRKNG2ABTTRME- 7/4/2011 10:01PM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LOVESTYPOS 7/4/2011 8:52PM

    Oh my goodness!! What a great laugh I had reading this. Thank you so much for sharing.

emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
BRAVEHEART4ME 7/4/2011 8:51PM

  These are so funny! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


Last 10 cents

Sunday, July 03, 2011

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy three 10 c coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10c's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10c's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "


'No,' the woman replied.
I'm with the Australian Tax Office..'
emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOOBRIE 7/8/2011 2:38PM

    So funny!

Report Inappropriate Comment
*MADHU* 7/6/2011 10:48AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
EDDYMEESE 7/4/2011 6:18PM

    HA!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
THINBUCKEYE 7/4/2011 12:40PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
OPALMOON 7/4/2011 12:18PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
OPALMOON 7/4/2011 12:18PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SUSIEPH1 7/4/2011 12:24AM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


Are you a whale or a mermaid?

Friday, July 01, 2011

Recently, in a large city in Australia, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)
They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales.
They have a wonderful time with dolphins, stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia.

Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs.

They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.

If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human?

They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex? Just look at them ... where is IT?
Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a glass of wine with my friends. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, “Good grief, look how smart I am!”

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

*MADHU* 7/6/2011 10:50AM

    Just emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GOANNA2 7/3/2011 2:08PM

    I want to be a whale - oops, I am a whale
and proud of it. Glory to the whales...
emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
JULIEEG81 7/3/2011 3:02AM

    I love it! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
OPALMOON 7/2/2011 10:07PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
EDDYMEESE 7/2/2011 12:36AM

    Ha! I don't mind being a whale...but hopefully a SLIM whale :)

Report Inappropriate Comment
MILLISMA 7/1/2011 4:40PM

    I love the Aussie's!!!! I love love this woman!

Report Inappropriate Comment
SUSIEPH1 7/1/2011 4:31PM

    emoticon
I am definately a Whale!! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GRATEFULADY 7/1/2011 4:29PM

    LOL!!! Love this!!! I want to be cultured, educated and happy too!!! emoticon(closest picture I could find of a whale, teehee)

Report Inappropriate Comment
ESHTEMOA 7/1/2011 3:34PM

    This is so good I really enjoyed this!
Roz.

Report Inappropriate Comment
L*I*T*A* 7/1/2011 12:34PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PHEBESS 7/1/2011 12:31PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
DESERTDREAMERS 7/1/2011 11:42AM

    squee! (supposed to be a whale song)

Report Inappropriate Comment
GEEKYGRANDMOMMY 7/1/2011 11:26AM

    Awesome!

Report Inappropriate Comment


First Page  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 Last Page