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A bit of humour to start your day!!

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Marriage Humour

Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
Husband: ‘Nothing.’
Wife: ‘Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
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Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'


Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'. The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEYSARAH 6/7/2011 10:27AM

    Ania..too funny, read these to Dennis who had a great laugh and said to tell you thanks!

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DESERTDREAMERS 6/2/2011 4:11PM

    Whack!

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PHEBESS 6/2/2011 12:58PM

    emoticon

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ROCKYCPA 6/2/2011 12:38PM

    Very funny - thanks!

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AIDELADE27 6/2/2011 11:12AM

    Can't wait to get married, lol.

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L*I*T*A* 6/2/2011 10:07AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ILOVEROSES 6/2/2011 10:02AM

    Glad to oblige. emoticon

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CLIMBERS_ROCK 6/2/2011 9:37AM

    Thanks. I needed that today.

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GOANNA2 6/2/2011 9:37AM

    Thanks for the laughs Ania emoticon

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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

*MADHU* 6/7/2011 11:02AM

    Thanks for the laugh emoticon

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SEYSARAH 6/7/2011 10:32AM

    So funny and I bet it is true...and I know why..most of my contemporaries grew up with more expected of them both personally and professionally and if a parent said to do something or an employer said to do something, there was not much debate..it was done promptly...and that's why the older generation has no problem expecting certain things..it was and is expected of them.

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GOANNA2 6/2/2011 9:43AM

    Thanks. Now I know what to do... emoticon

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PATJ7084 5/31/2011 6:02PM

    lol as usual, thanks friend x

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PHEBESS 5/31/2011 12:43PM

    YAY for old people!

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GRATEFULADY 5/31/2011 12:16PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticonThanks for the laugh and the advice.

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KAREN951 5/31/2011 11:21AM

    Thanks for the chuckle!

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JESSICAKES88 5/31/2011 10:31AM

    lol! That is so funny. I work with geriatric patients at a hospital therapy pool, and they always are giving me trouble! When they want something done they want it done NOW, and they always want to prove a point that their ticker still works and nothing can get by them lol.

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TERRI289 5/31/2011 9:23AM

    emoticon

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ARLENE_MOVES 5/31/2011 8:09AM

    Thanks for my chuckle this morning!!

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GAYLLYNNE 5/31/2011 7:00AM

    Hahahahaha!!! Love it!

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L*I*T*A* 5/31/2011 6:49AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GRAMPIAN 5/31/2011 6:31AM

  Love this story! emoticon

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SHRINKINGSHERI 5/31/2011 6:14AM

    LOL - that was wonderful.

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Proud American - Return On Investment!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOANNA2 6/2/2011 9:41AM

    emoticon

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INGMARIE 5/30/2011 7:58AM

    Funny loved it.
Thanks emoticon

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PHEBESS 5/29/2011 10:30AM

    Oh yeah!

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PURPLE_ROSE_3 5/29/2011 4:48AM

    OMG! This blog is hilarious! Love it.

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*MADHU* 5/29/2011 3:28AM

    emoticon

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L*I*T*A* 5/28/2011 10:31PM

    emoticon emoticon

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Power of a Woman!!!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious.

When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private.
They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.

Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle, why was he so interested in talking to you.
She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.

President Obama then said, "so if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant" , to which Michelle responded, "no, if I had married him, He would now be the President".

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MILLISMA 5/28/2011 10:10PM

    Love it!!!!

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JUSFOLK 5/28/2011 6:05PM

    That's definitely a confident woman talking:)

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GRATEFULADY 5/28/2011 4:22PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FRANNIEDID 5/28/2011 12:58PM

    Love it!

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L*I*T*A* 5/28/2011 10:47AM

    cute!!! emoticon

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PHEBESS 5/28/2011 7:35AM

    LOL!!!!!!!!!

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JESSICAKES88 5/28/2011 4:15AM

    lol! I love that!

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The Greek Priest is Leaving.

Friday, May 20, 2011

At the regular Sunday morning service, father George announced that he was
planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.

Costa, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims "If father George stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Dimitri, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If father George will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause

Maria, age 68, stands and announces with a smile, "If father George stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

Father George, blushing, asks her: "Maria, you're a wonderful and holy lady.
Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Maria's 70-year old husband, Vasillis, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied,

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: "F*ck him."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOANNA2 6/2/2011 9:40AM

    Good one! emoticon

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HOLDINGMYOWN 5/20/2011 10:30PM

    emoticon emoticonJust love a good "off-colour" joke!
But don't think I will tell my Mum this one! emoticon

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PEGGYO 5/20/2011 9:23PM

    funny

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PATJ7084 5/20/2011 5:51PM

    very funny emoticon

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MILLISMA 5/20/2011 5:29PM

    Love it! emoticon

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PHEBESS 5/20/2011 12:14PM

   

hahahahaha!!

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CANDOK1260 5/20/2011 11:59AM

    love the joke thanks

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INGMARIE 5/20/2011 11:55AM

    All right lady.
That made me laugh out loud. emoticon
Have a great weekend emoticon

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