Saturday, May 28, 2011
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you damned proud to be an American!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious.
When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private.
They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.
Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle, why was he so interested in talking to you.
She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.
President Obama then said, "so if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant" , to which Michelle responded, "no, if I had married him, He would now be the President".
Friday, May 20, 2011
At the regular Sunday morning service, father George announced that he was
planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.
Costa, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims "If father George stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Dimitri, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If father George will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!"
More sighs and loud applause
Maria, age 68, stands and announces with a smile, "If father George stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
Father George, blushing, asks her: "Maria, you're a wonderful and holy lady.
Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Maria's 70-year old husband, Vasillis, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied,
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: "F*ck him."
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.'
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
You have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Green, Pink and Yellow.'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar....'
Mujibar now works at a call centre.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
Get An Email Alert Each Time ILOVEROSES Posts