Friday, December 26, 2014
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head 'no'.
Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head 'no'.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
I received this from a girlfriend and enjoyed it so thought I would send it on.
Merry Christmas To My Female Friends
If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.
I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.
I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.
I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin.
You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells,
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.
No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes,
No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny,
From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.
You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid,
You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.
I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle,
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me,
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.
I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got,
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older, this wish is sincere,
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year 2015.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
An online survey in Britain by Netmums found one in five children between 5 and 12 believes Jesus plays soccer for Chelsea and the shepherds used Google Maps to find the infant Jesus. One in four think the Virgin Birth took place in a church and one in 10 think Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was there.
What do you get the person who has everything this Christmas? A box of nothing. You Need Nothing is selling boxes containing "nothing" - a plain cinder block in black or white - for between $51 and $202. All proceeds will go to Oxfam. The idea is to remind the recipient they have everything they need.
A traffic warden in Britain is on the naughty list after giving Santa a $65 ticket for parking his sleigh illegally outside a Co-op. "My back was turned for 30 seconds" a helper, from the Hinckley Round Table said. "The warden was rather smug." The local council is reviewing the fine, but someone can expect a lump of coal on 25th December.
A Dutchman's bid at a romantic marriage proposal has crashed in the central town of Ijsselstein. He hired a crane to drop in front of his girlfriend's bedroom window and pop the question, but it fell over causing six flats/apartments to be evacuated. No one was hurt, she said yes and the happy couple went to Paris to celebrate.
A University College London study has found children's films were more violent than adult films such as 'The Exorcism of Emily Rose, What Lies Beneath and Pulp Fiction.' It found main characters in kid's films were 2.5 times more likely to die than their counterparts in adult films, and almost three times as likely to be murdered.
An eBay auction of 100 Atari video games found in a landfill has raised $37,000 for the New Mexico city of Alamogordo. The games were among 800 found in April.. They had been buried 30 years ago because they could not be sold. A copy of a game considered the worst ever - 'ET the Extraterrestrial' - fetched $1537.
An ambulance taking a sick man to hospital in Mason County, Texas, was flagged down by a motorist because a beagle was clinging to its running board. Buddy, the sick man's four-year-old had managed to cling on for 32 kilometres/ 20 miles of curving road before the paramedics stopped and pulled him on board.
Japanese scientists have developed see-through mice so they can more easily observe the rodents' inner workings during experiments. Researchers from Osaka University have found a way to remove the light-blocking "heme" (from haemoglobin), thereby rendering the mice transparent.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!
IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.
THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNTCYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLEOF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
Monday, December 08, 2014
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security
rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.
Man, I hate this getting older stuff.
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