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Never Argue with Children.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOANNA2 9/15/2014 8:40AM

    We all need faith. emoticon

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MARYELLEN301 9/15/2014 8:32AM

    Faith is a beautiful thing!

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DESERTDREAMERS 9/14/2014 10:10PM

    From the mouth of babes!

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1CRAZYDOG 9/14/2014 8:35PM

    Too funny!!!!!

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WALLAHALLA 9/14/2014 5:40PM

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PEGGYO 9/14/2014 5:11PM

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ARTJAC 9/14/2014 5:06PM

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ALIHIKES 9/14/2014 4:57PM

    Very funny!

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SQUIRRELMOMMA1 9/14/2014 3:42PM

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LITTLEWIND53 9/14/2014 12:14PM

    That little girl can think fast on her feet.

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PDSLIM 9/14/2014 12:10PM

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123ELAINE456 9/14/2014 11:35AM

  Good for the Little Girl.

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INGMARIE 9/14/2014 11:03AM

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Laws of nature!

Wednesday, September 10, 2014



Forget Newton and Galileo. Here are the real laws of nature:



1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.Supermarket Law- As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the paediatrician.






  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROCKYCPA 9/12/2014 11:22PM

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WALLAHALLA 9/12/2014 11:27AM

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PDSLIM 9/11/2014 1:58PM

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1CRAZYDOG 9/11/2014 1:44PM

    All true!

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SQUIRRELMOMMA1 9/11/2014 9:45AM

    Oh my goodness, these are so true! emoticon

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FERRNIE 9/11/2014 9:19AM

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PEGGYO 9/11/2014 7:08AM

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GOANNA2 9/11/2014 7:04AM

    These are really good. Thanks. emoticon

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GOANNA2 9/11/2014 7:04AM

    These are really good. Thanks. emoticon

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LITTLEWIND53 9/11/2014 6:23AM

    These are all so good.

I don't know how many times I have proven # 18 to be true ! ! !

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123ELAINE456 9/11/2014 3:14AM

  Awesome Blog. Love It. I have has a lot of these things happen to me. Thank You for sharing.

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DESERTDREAMERS 9/11/2014 1:45AM

    The rules of my life ... Sigh

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EMSSBEARS 9/11/2014 1:32AM

    Thanks for sharing

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PHEBESS 9/11/2014 1:02AM

    Yup, I've experienced at least 75% of those.

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ARTJAC 9/11/2014 12:48AM

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DOILIEQUEEN 9/10/2014 11:20PM

    emoticon Thank you for sharing.

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Childbirth at 65.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine

was able to give birth... When she was discharged from the hospital and went

home, I went to visit.




'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet ,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'




Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.




After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.




Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.




'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OK.?!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PURPLE0906 9/11/2014 6:33AM

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Too funny, thank you for sharing!!

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PHEBESS 9/11/2014 12:59AM

    HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

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PDSLIM 9/10/2014 10:22PM

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GAYLLYNNE 9/10/2014 10:00PM

    Hahahahaha, love that!! (I can relate) emoticon

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MILLISMA 9/10/2014 9:15PM

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123ELAINE456 9/10/2014 8:03PM

  LOL!!! Too Funny.

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WALLAHALLA 9/10/2014 7:39PM

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LITTLEWIND53 9/10/2014 4:51PM

    ..... or if she even brought him home???? LOL

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SQUIRRELMOMMA1 9/10/2014 2:26PM

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-WRKNG2ABTTRME- 9/10/2014 1:02PM

    Oh my...........

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1CRAZYDOG 9/10/2014 12:33PM

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FERRNIE 9/10/2014 10:39AM

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EVIE4NOW 9/10/2014 9:58AM

  LMAO... that would be me... if i didn't run away first. lol

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MARYELLEN301 9/10/2014 9:27AM

    Too funny!
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KESTRYLL 9/10/2014 9:15AM

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Australia: From An American's Viewpoint.

Monday, September 08, 2014

David Mason is a Writer, a Professor and a Poet Laureate of Colorado.



There's a lot to admire about Australia, especially if you're a visiting American, says David Mason.



More often than you might expect, Australian friends patiently listening to me enthuse about their country have said, ''We need outsiders like you to remind us what we have.'' So here it is - a small presumptuous list of what one foreigner admires in Oz.



1. Health care.

I know the controversies, but basic national health care is a gift. In America , medical expenses are a leading cause of bankruptcy. The drug companies dominate politics and advertising. Obama is being crucified for taking halting baby steps towards sanity. You can't turn on the telly without hours of drug advertisements - something I have never yet seen here.
And your emphasis on prevention - making cigarettes less accessible, for one - is a model.

2. Food.

Yes, we have great food in America too, especially in the big cities. But your bread is less sweet, your lamb is cheaper, and your supermarket vegetables and fruits are fresher than ours. Too often in my country America , an apple is a ball of pulp as big as your face. The dainty Pink Lady apples of Oz are the juiciest I've had. And don't get me started on coffee. In American small towns it tastes like water flavoured with burnt dirt, but the smallest shop in the smallest town in Oz can make a first-rate latte.
I love your ubiquitous bakeries, and your hot-cross buns. Shall I go on?

3. Language.

How do you do it?
The rhyming slang and Aboriginal place names are like magic spells. Words that seem vaguely English yet also resemble an argot from another planet. I love the way institutional names get turned into diminutives - Vinnie's and Salvos - and absolutely nothing's sacred. Everything is an opportunity for word games and everyone has a nickname. Lingo makes the world go round. It's the spontaneous wit of the people that tickles me most.
Late one night at a Barbie my new mate Suds remarked: ''Nothing's the same since 24-7.'' Amen to that.

4. Free-to-air TV.

In Oz, you buy a TV, plug it in and watch some of the best programming I've ever seen - uncensored. In America , you can't get diddly-squat without paying a cable or satellite company heavy fees.
In Oz a few channels make it hard to choose. In America, you've got 400 channels and nothing to watch.


5. Small shops.

Outside the big cities in America corporations have nearly erased them. Identical malls with identical restaurants serving inferior food.
Except for geography, it's hard to tell one American town from another. The ''take-away'' culture here in Australia is wonderful. The human encounters are real - people love to stir, and stories get told. The curries here are to die for. And you don't have to tip!

6. Free camping.

We used to have this too, and I guess it's still free when you backpack miles away from the roads. But I love the fact that in Oz everyone owns the shoreline and in many places you can pull up a camper van and stare at the sea for weeks. I love the ''primitive'' and independent camp-grounds, the life out-of-doors.
The few idiots who leave their stubbies and rubbish behind in these pristine places ought to be transported in chains to the penal colonies.

7. Religion.

In America , it's everywhere - especially where it's not supposed to be, like politics. I imagine you have your Pharisees too, making a big public show of devotion, but I have yet to meet one here.

8. Roads.

Peak hour aside, I've found travel on your roads pure heaven. My country's ''Freeways'' are crowded, crumbling, insanely knotted with looping overpasses - it's like racing homicidal maniacs on fraying spaghetti! I've driven the Hume Highway without stress, and I love the Princes Highway when it's two lanes. Ninety minutes south of Bateman's Bay I was sorry to see one billboard for a McDonald's. It's blocking a lovely paddock view.
Someone should remove the McDonald's Billboard.

9. Real multiculturalism.

I know there are tensions, just like anywhere else, but I love the distinctiveness of your communities and the way you publicly acknowledge the Aboriginal past. Recently, too, I spent quality time with the Melbourne Greeks, and was gratified both by their devotion to their own great language and culture and their openness to an Afghan lunch.

10. Fewer guns.

You had Port Arthur in 1996 and got real in response. America replicates such massacres several times a year and nothing changes. Why? Our religion of individual rights makes the good of the community an impossible dream. Instead of mateship we have ''It's mine and nobody else's''. We talk a great game about freedom, but too often live in fear. There's more to say - your kaleidoscopic birds, your perfumed bush in springtime, your vast beaches.
These are just a few of the blessings that make Australia a rarity. Of course, it's not paradise - nowhere is - but I love it here. No need to wave flags like the Americans, and add to the world's windiness.



Just value in Australia what you have here and don't give it away.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OPALMOON 9/10/2014 10:49AM

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MARYANN2323 9/9/2014 2:02AM

    Sounds a bit like Canada.

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ILOVEROSES 9/8/2014 10:33PM

    Hope to see you soon Walla and I am sure we'll find a bed for you here. Come on Down Under! emoticon

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PDSLIM 9/8/2014 10:32PM

    I wanna go there NOW

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WALLAHALLA 9/8/2014 9:32PM

    I have always wanted to visit Australia. That is definitely on my bucket list.

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DESERTDREAMERS 9/8/2014 7:59PM

    Hmm, are there any limits on immigration?

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LITTLEWIND53 9/8/2014 7:49PM

    There is good, bad and indifferent in every country....There a a lot of differences between Canada and the U.S. but we are all uniquely our own....

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1CRAZYDOG 9/8/2014 5:41PM

    For sure there are things that need to be "re-tooled" here. But, on the whole, I'm happy. I think no matter where we live, there are things that could be better. But I think things could also be much, much worse.

Thank you for sharing this perspective. Interesting.

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ARTJAC 9/8/2014 5:08PM

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L*I*T*A* 9/8/2014 11:49AM

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123ELAINE456 9/8/2014 10:05AM

  Awesome Blog. Sounds like a Wonderful Place to visit, see and live. Thank You.

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PEGGYO 9/8/2014 9:45AM

    sounds like a great place to live

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LSDALOIA 9/8/2014 9:36AM

    I've spent a lot of time in Oz, and completely agree with your sentiments. The US is a bit of a crazy place to live. It's sad that our regional differences are being homogenized. Thankfully we have a movement to get back to "local", but that's mostly contained to food. If you're on a highway in any major US city you can close your eyes and be anywhere in the country. All of the big box retailers are everywhere.

I've also observed that in Oz and Canada, there aren't as many income gaps as we have here in the US. It seems as though there are relatively few extremely poor and extremely rich people -- and a much larger middle class. Here in the US there is a much bigger population of extremely poor and extremely rich.

I'm thinking about you as I change cable providers today -- we have to chase down the best deals every year or pay $150/month for mid-level programing.

Thank goodness your small town coffee has come along. The first time I visited Oz in 1983, coffee in the Outback was a big container of instant and you just added hot water 3 years later when I revisited lattes were everywhere. Meanwhile, we were still drinking slug here in the US since Starbucks wasn't ubiquitous yet. Oz rules!!!

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FLOWERDALEJEWEL 9/8/2014 7:21AM

   
What can I say Ania, this is why I love my country. We may complain occasionally and grizzle about the government, but all in all the people and the country are the best

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Comment edited on: 9/8/2014 7:22:16 AM

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HELEN_BRU 9/8/2014 6:48AM

    Never knew that! Thanks!!

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GOANNA2 9/8/2014 6:22AM

    Ania, this is so true. Thanks for sharing. emoticon

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WITCHYONE333 9/8/2014 6:11AM

    In Alberta, we get lots of Aussies up for the skiing. They love that Canada is "Pretty much like Australia, just colder, mate". Sadly, big box stores think they can move in and make us just like americans. How's that working out for you, Target?

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GHOSTFLAMES 9/8/2014 4:40AM

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Seen in the newspaper.

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter



This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!

They put in a correction the next day. I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny. Apparently, Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya think?

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

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Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

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War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

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Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

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And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

****************************

"I was at the parts counter the other day and a guy asked the clerk, 'Do you have a set of wiper blades for a Yugo?'



The guy thought about it for a minute and said, 'Well, I guess that's a fair trade.'"

************************
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PHEBESS 9/4/2014 11:07PM

    Too funny!!!

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WALLAHALLA 9/3/2014 10:31PM

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LITTLEWIND53 9/3/2014 6:38PM

    Oh, my. I'm still laughing about the battery charge..... emoticon

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ARTJAC 9/3/2014 6:07PM

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SQUIRRELMOMMA1 9/3/2014 1:58PM

    I think there are very few proofreaders any longer, at least my local newspaper doesn't seem to employ any.

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1CRAZYDOG 9/3/2014 1:40PM

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-WRKNG2ABTTRME- 9/3/2014 1:17PM

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DESERTDREAMERS 9/3/2014 12:54PM

    I love headlines like these. I frequently have to study the headlines and say them out loud - is that a noun or a verb? Is "present" a gift, or the verb to give something?

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123ELAINE456 9/3/2014 11:38AM

  Love Them. Thanks.

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L*I*T*A* 9/3/2014 11:36AM

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JOANNANOW 9/3/2014 11:23AM

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PDSLIM 9/3/2014 10:55AM

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EVIE4NOW 9/3/2014 9:27AM

  These are great. Thank you.

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GOANNA2 9/3/2014 9:26AM

    Loved them Ania. emoticon

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