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Late Speech.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: "I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, ever, arrive late!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ARTJAC 10/23/2014 5:51AM

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123ELAINE456 10/22/2014 8:02PM

  LOL!!!

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WALLAHALLA 10/22/2014 7:25PM

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DESERTDREAMERS 10/22/2014 7:07PM

    Oops!

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SQUIRRELMOMMA1 10/22/2014 5:54PM

    emoticon

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1CRAZYDOG 10/22/2014 11:51AM

    Wonderful

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HELEN_BRU 10/22/2014 11:25AM

    I'm laughing out loud! emoticon emoticon

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PDSLIM 10/22/2014 10:25AM

    emoticon

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PHEBESS 10/22/2014 10:24AM

    LOL - good one!!!!

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EVIE4NOW 10/22/2014 9:38AM

  ROFL... serves him right!!!

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Odd Spot #25.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Springdale Cemetery, Illinois, is trying to get more customers with a 10-event marketing campaign that includes a 5 K race through it. "We know if we get people back into the cemetery, they're going to be amazed at its beauty." Springdale's chief Bob Manning said. "Then, hopefully, they'll think of us when the time comes."
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Police in Illinois say a woman was shocked to receive a python in the post. Delores Gavin said a delivery man left a parcel at the front door containing the snake, which had been bought by someone using her credit card number. The young spotted python was sent from a reptile dealer in California.
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The Californian owner of a parrot that went missing for four years was delighted to have the bird returned after it was traced by sales records. The only downside, says owner Darren Chick, is the African grey parrot that once spoke English with a British accent now speaks Spanish and keeps asking for someone named Larry.
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Indiana motorist Ellen Bogan, 60, is suing state trooper Brian Hamilton because he gave her a religious pamphlet asking her to acknowledge her sins. Hamilton had stopped her and gave her a ticket for speeding and the pamphlet that also advertised the radio program 'Policing for Jesus Ministries' hosted by trooper Dan Jones.
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An Italian hair stylist has set a new Guinness World Record for the world's hairiest car. Maria Lucia Mugno, 44, spent 150 hours sewing the strands of human hair to both the interior and exterior of her vehicle. Despite originally winning the title in 2010, she added a further 20kg of hair to her furry Fiat.
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A Latin motto engraved on a New Jersey library was thought to read "we confirm all things twice". But "Nos Secundus Coniecto Omnia" actually means "we second-guess all". Stone cutters will change it to "we encourage all".
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Eighteen-time Olympic swim champion Michael Phelps has been banned for six months and dropped from the 2015 FINA world championships after he was arrested last month for drink-driving. USA Swimming delivered the whack six days after Phelps was charged with driving under the influence, excessive speed and crossing the centre line while driving. Phelps tweeted he is taking a break from swimming and seeking treatment.
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A US freelance software programmer has spent $100,000-plus on his ongoing aim to visit every Starbucks on the planet. The notion came to Winter (formerly Rafael Lozano) as he sat in a Starbucks café in Texas in 1997. His website says he's visited 96% of Starbucks in Canada and the US, and also travelled overseas. His freelance work gives him the freedom to pursue his dream - so far he's visited 11,700 of the chain's 17,000 stores.
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A patient fled from a hospital near Phoenix, Arizona, by hijacking an ambulance. Police chased the vehicle and attempted to pull Michael Lopez over, but he refused. The ambulance was later found at Lopez's home. He is facing charges of theft, felony flight, failure to yield to police and disorderly conduct.
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An 8 year old Hawaiian boy has survived a six-storey fall down an apartment building's rubbish chute. The boy plunged down the chute after emptying the family rubbish (garbage) and landed on garbage piled up to the second floor. He was pulled out by a neighbour who lowered a fire hose to him.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DESERTDREAMERS 10/22/2014 7:10PM

    Great collection!

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PHEBESS 10/22/2014 10:28AM

    Crazy!

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INGMARIE 10/22/2014 7:18AM

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GOANNA2 10/22/2014 2:47AM

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ARTJAC 10/21/2014 11:55PM

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WALLAHALLA 10/21/2014 11:02PM

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123ELAINE456 10/21/2014 9:45PM

  Good Ones. Thank You.

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1CRAZYDOG 10/21/2014 8:05PM

    OH my gosh!

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SIGNS!

Monday, October 20, 2014

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

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In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

**************************

And the best one for last............

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PHEBESS 10/22/2014 10:21AM

    Oyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!

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INGMARIE 10/21/2014 11:12AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon Great ones.

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GOANNA2 10/21/2014 5:57AM

    Terrific! emoticon

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DESERTDREAMERS 10/21/2014 12:45AM

    These are great!

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ARTJAC 10/21/2014 12:13AM

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PDSLIM 10/20/2014 9:19PM

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123ELAINE456 10/20/2014 9:11PM

  Cute!!! LOL!!!

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-WRKNG2ABTTRME- 10/20/2014 7:11PM

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GAYLLYNNE 10/20/2014 5:48PM

    These are just great slogans. Thanks!!!

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WALLAHALLA 10/20/2014 5:04PM

    emoticon

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1CRAZYDOG 10/20/2014 3:12PM

    Cute!

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MONTREALESTMOI 10/20/2014 9:33AM

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!

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A short journey along memory lane.

Friday, October 17, 2014

HEY,WASN'T THIS US?

A little house with three bedrooms,
one bathroom and one car on the street.
A mower that you had to push
to make the grass look neat.


In the kitchen on the wall
we only had one phone,
And no need for recording things,
someone was always home.


We only had a living room
where we would congregate,
unless it was at mealtime
in the kitchen where we ate.


We had no need for family rooms
or extra rooms to dine.
When meeting as a family
those two rooms would work out fine.


We only had one TV set
and channels maybe two,
But always there was one of them
with something worth the view.

For snacks we had potato chips
that tasted like a chip.
And if you wanted flavour
there was onion dip.


Shop-bought snacks were rare because
my mother liked to cook
and nothing can compare to snacks
in Betty Crocker's book.


Weekends were for family trips
or staying home to play.
We all did things together --
even go to church to pray.



When we did our weekend trips
depending on the weather,
no one stayed at home because
we liked to be together.


Sometimes we would separate
to do things on our own,
but we knew where the others were
without our own mobile phone.

Then there were the movies
with your favourite movie star,
and nothing can compare
to watching movies in your car.


Then there were the picnics
at the peak of summer season,
pack a lunch and find some trees
and never need a reason.


Get a cricket game together
with all the friends you know,
have real action playing ball --
and no game video.


Remember when the doctor
used to be the family friend,
and didn't need insurance
or a lawyer to defend?


The way that he took care of you
or what he had to do,
because he took an oath and strived
to do the best for you.

Remember going to the store
and shopping casually,
and when you went to pay for it
you used your own money?


Nothing that you had to swipe
or punch in some amount,
and remember when the cashier person
had to really count?


The milkman used to go
from door to door,
And it was just a few pence more
than going to the store.


There was a time when mailed letters
came right to your door,
without a lot of junk mail ads
sent out by every store.

The postman knew each house by name
and knew where it was sent;
there were not loads of mail addressed
to "present occupant."


There was a time when just one glance
was all that it would take,
and you would know the kind of car,
the model and the make.


They didn't look like turtles
trying to squeeze out every mile;
they were streamlined, white walls, fins
and really had some style.



One time the music that you played
whenever you would jive,
was from a vinyl, big-holed record
called a forty-five.


The record player had a post
to keep them all in line
and then the records would drop down
and play one at a time.


Oh sure, we had our problems then,
just like we do today
and always we were striving,
trying for a better way.

Oh, the simple life we lived
still seems like so much fun,
how can you explain a game,
just kick the can and run?


And why would boys put cards
between bicycle spokes
and for a sixpence, red machines
had little bottled Cokes?



This life seemed so much easier
and slower in some ways.
I love the new technology
but I sure do miss those days.


So time moves on and so do we
and nothing stays the same,
but I sure love to reminisce
and walk down memory lane.
With all today's technology
we grant that it's a plus!
But it's fun to look way back and say,
Hey look, guys, THAT WAS US!

LIFE IS SHORT. SMILE WHILE YOU STILL HAVE TEETH
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMARILYNH 10/18/2014 10:43AM

    That brought back some good memories!!

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DESERTDREAMERS 10/18/2014 8:14AM

    emoticon Those were the days! emoticon

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123ELAINE456 10/17/2014 11:42PM

  Wonderful Blog!!!Those were the days!!! Miss Them. Thank You for sharing. Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!

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PHEBESS 10/17/2014 11:32PM

    The chips thing reminded me of the funniest chip flavor we saw in Australia - lamb and mint jelly flavored potato chips!!!!!

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GOANNA2 10/17/2014 10:23PM

    Yes - that was us. I love how we grew up. I often
wonder what our kids will find when they reach
our age. I still love receiving letters and talking
to the postman and giving a few bottles of beer
to our garbage man, and... emoticon

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LITTLEWIND53 10/17/2014 10:09PM

    I sometimes feel like I'm a fish out of the techy waters and miss those olden days.......

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ARTJAC 10/17/2014 9:21PM

    emoticon them were the days

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HELEN_BRU 10/17/2014 5:22PM

    I miss those days! emoticon

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1CRAZYDOG 10/17/2014 3:56PM

    Ah yes . . . that was my childhood too! Simpler times for sure.

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WALLAHALLA 10/17/2014 3:00PM

    Lots of wonderful memories. I sure miss a simpler life.

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SQUIRRELMOMMA1 10/17/2014 12:16PM

    emoticon Those were the days.

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PDSLIM 10/17/2014 10:36AM

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Have you seen my mind?

Thursday, October 16, 2014


Dear Friends:


Just a line to say I'm living ...
That I'm not among the dead,


Though I'm getting more forgetful
And mixed up in the head.


I got used to my arthritis,
To my dentures I'm resigned,



I can manage my bifocals,
But Lord ... how I miss my mind!!!


Sometimes I can't remember
When I stand at the foot of the stairs,


If I must go up for something ...
Or if I've just come down from there.



I stand before the fridge at times,
My poor mind filled with doubt,


Have I come to put food away,
Or come to take some out?


There are times when it is dark out,
And with my nightcap on my head,



I don't know if I'm retiring ...
Or just getting out of bed.


So if it's my turn to write you,
There's no need for getting sore,


I may think that I have written
And don't want to be a bore.



I do know that I miss you
And wish that you were near.


And now it's nearly mail time
So I must say good bye, my dear.


Now I'm standing beside the mail box
With a face so very red,



Instead of mailing you my letter ...


I have opened it instead!!!

Author Unknown

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOANNA2 10/17/2014 10:20PM

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ARTJAC 10/17/2014 5:57AM

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DESERTDREAMERS 10/17/2014 5:40AM

    I am developing symptoms! I tell people at work "I've got short-term memory ... thingy" when I forget things

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LITTLEWIND53 10/16/2014 11:26PM

    Much longer than what I heard....

I can live with my arthritis,
My glasses suite me fine,
My hearing aid does what it's supposed to,
But How I miss my mind......

I love your version......

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LINOVER 10/16/2014 9:21PM

    emoticon

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PHEBESS 10/16/2014 9:12PM

    Sad but true!

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123ELAINE456 10/16/2014 7:25PM

  Awesome Poem. Thank You. And how true.

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-WRKNG2ABTTRME- 10/16/2014 6:17PM

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HIKETOHEIGHTS 10/16/2014 5:35PM

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INGMARIE 10/16/2014 2:30PM

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WALLAHALLA 10/16/2014 11:56AM

    sounds familiar

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1CRAZYDOG 10/16/2014 10:25AM

   
♥~*-:¦:-*♥~.•*´¨ )♥~*-:¦:-*♥~.•*´¨ )♥~*-:¦:-*♥
“Once we connect to the wisdom of our soul, we will see how every experience in our life benefits us in fulfilling our purpose ” Leah Levkowitz
“✲ •。* ✰ ˛★* 。° ✲。* •★ *˚。*。✰>

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