Detox - not what you think!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

It's not my body that needs a good detox - it's my brain. I just read one of the motivational articles here , link>www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivati
on_articles.asp?id=871 </link>
, and it's crystal clear. I'm just not sure the detox they suggest is that easy, after all I've been trying to do this for years now.

Yes, most of us live in a society that gives out very negative messages about being fat, and nowhere was that more evident than in my home growing up. To this day, I worry about what my mother will say about my weight. It's never right - I've been told how much better I'd look if I only lost 5 lbs. Imagine - 5 lbs away from being OK. How ridiculous is that? Every visit was anticipated with dread, and no just by me. My kids have been poisoned as well, not by what I say to them about weight, but by watching the dynamic between me and my mother. And they've felt judged and found wanting - again, not by me. No amount of reassurance by me was effective, so long as they saw me reacting to that judgement.

I thought I'd broken the cycle by not judging them. But they see me judging myself, so the damage is being done.

"Imagine that the negative body image implanted in your brain has suddenly been removed. You wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and don't have any reactions at all. You know how you used to react and why, but realize that all those old feelings and thoughts weren't yours." OK, well, I've known for at least 30 years that those feelings and thoughts aren't mine, and I've known where they come from, but I still haven't been able to detox.

Here's what I think is true - if I could get rid of those blasted tapes, I would decide that I don't need to lose weight at all. That I need to focus on nutrition alone, and increased exercise. There is this little kernel of thought in my head that I'm quite OK as I am, but I immediately shut that thought down.

As for my clothes not fitting (the skinny unhappy me clothes from pre/post divorce), perhaps it's time to retire those and figure out how the happy and mentally healthy me would dress.

But I'm not there yet. I'm still thinking about this. How do I look at myself through different eyes?

  

I'm done

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I give up. End of story.

I can accept not losing weight while I rearrange my diet to include more protein. I can't accept gaining weight.

I know I've been scrupulous about noting what I'm eating. When I didn't have access to a computer and was at my son's wedding, I was careful to eat small quantities without denying myself. There is no reason for me to gain weight. This is insane.

I'm done.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GETMOVIN 8/26/2009 12:47PM

I know how you feel but don't quit. Just give yourself some space and take a deep breath and start again. I know I can eventually do this and you can too. I'm not giving up. Please don't you give up either. We all need each other. Report Inappropriate Comment

DDHEART 8/26/2009 10:37AM

Please don't quit.....you huddled today with ...I need help....that tells me you don't REALLY want to quit......so don't. Yes it's frustrating, yes we've all been there. I had never been to your page before so I did a bit of studying....you are very close to your goal weight which makes your job that much harder....and slower. You also entered in the goal of gaining some control in your life, had noted a lot of stress and obviously just had a family wedding. Please, take a deep breath, look at the non weight goals and turn your focus to regaining that control and improving your fitness. Don't abandon your weight goals but slide the priority of the reading on the scale down a bit on your list. If you do this I think you can lesson your frustration and when your fitness goals and de-stressing goals are worked on the weight will change too. BTW...I really enjoyed looking at the pictures. It looks as though you had a wonderful wedding celebration and your family is beautiful as are you. I hope that when you give this some thought you'll give it some more time....it's really your health you're working on not your weight. Report Inappropriate Comment

2FATPOOH 8/26/2009 9:23AM

I feel the same way, what's the use. I keep track to what I eat and still gain weight. But here I am again. I can't say I was destined to be fat. My family say its in my genes, so is there any use in depriving myself of my favorite treats. Report Inappropriate Comment

MORGANSMOM52 8/26/2009 9:18AM

Don't quit. The weight gain , if you have truly been honest with yourself about what you have been eating, is most likely water gain. Look at your sodium intake. We tend to take in a LOT more than we think or should especially on a low carb diet. Pay attention to that along with the other stuff for the next week and cut back appropriately. The other thing is, if your doing exercises that will help you gain muscle, remember, muscle weighs more than fat! You could be just getting a bit stronger too. Don't let this back you away from exercise. The muscle burns more calories than fat too so ultimately you WILL lose! Report Inappropriate Comment

IFDEEVARUNS2 8/26/2009 8:15AM

No lost inches - clothes fit the same. I haven't fallen down - I've been doing what I set out to do. But instead of no results (which I could live with), I'm losing ground. What's the point? Thanks for the encouragement - it's just hard to figure out why I'm bothering. Well, except for the health aspect of a more balanced diet. It's just hard to feel good about that when I'm putting on pounds. I'm only 5' 1", a few pounds make a world of difference, up or down. Report Inappropriate Comment

TRASIB 8/26/2009 8:09AM

Don't quit! We all go through that and you have to keep going! Don't let the weight get you! Have you measured yourself. Many times you may not be losing weight and still be losing inches. You need to take each day 1 day at a time and if you fall down, just get back up! Please don't quit! You can do it! You have made the choice to do this, don't give up now!!! I know you can do it!!! Report Inappropriate Comment

SRFRGRL7163 8/26/2009 8:06AM

Don't quit. I've had the same problem. I refuse to let my weight win this battle over me. If I can do this, so can you. It's difficult, every day, every weigh-in, don't give up. Good luck. Report Inappropriate Comment

Random musings

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I was anxious yesterday, and couldn't seem to get enough to eat. The result was eating at the top of my range, something I haven't done before. I'm not counting days that I didn't record anything because I was on the road and eating out with clients. It feels odd - intellectually I know it's OK to eat at the top of the range, but I'm feeling scared by it. Take a deep breath......

The reason I was anxious was the blood test results from blood work done last April. My cholesterol was high again, quite high. But my HDL was also quite high, and the ratio is actually excellent. Most doctors just laugh at me when I express concern. And yet this bugs me. I know it isn't due to diet, but just to heredity. I get really upset when a medical person (OK, usually a nurse) tells me I should control the amount of fried foods I eat, then everything will be OK. Fried foods? I don't touch them, never have. Olive oil in my salad dressing is my fat of choice. Again with the numbers, right?

Comfort food - no getting away from it, it's there, and it's comforting. In this case, I allowed myself two TBS of peanut butter. And felt awful about it, all the while really enjoying it. When I mentioned it to my SO he laughed at me: he said he would have eaten half the jar. Well, there's a reason I weigh half what he does. But that's another story.

I wanted to weigh myself this morning, but I didn't. I don't want to feel bad, I don't want to allow numbers to dictate how I feel -well, any more than they already do. Yes, I'm a little unsettled by the comfort food, and eating at the top of my range, but I also know I have not lost control. Not yet. So I'm not going to push myself off that cliff.

Fat clothes - in my case, we're not really talking fat. But 5-10 lbs can mean a difference of two sizes when you're 5' 1"! And when I was so skinny pre/post divorce, I got rid of the 'fat' clothes. I'm now regretting that. I have a broad back and broad shoulders, and I have to deal with that fact. Note to self: it's OK to wear a size medium T-shirt. It may be a little loose when I'm thinner, but it will fit long-term. So I'm going to ignore all those admonitions to get rid of fat clothes. My weight is a range over time, and my clothes sizes can be as well. But I am going to get rid of the skinny clothes, the emaciated self clothes that make me feel guilty every time I see them. Those clothes belonged to a miserably unhappy self, and that's not me any longer. I should not LONG to fit into those again.

My mother is out of the rehab hospital, staying with my brother and his family. She's still very weak, I'll get to see her in 10 days and will get a sense how things are really going. In the meantime, off to Hilton Head for my son's wedding this weekend. I'm sad that none of my family (siblings and mother) will be there, but my four children will be. So be it! Now if that hurricane would just stay away.....

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IFDEEVARUNS2 8/19/2009 10:33AM

Thanks for the encouragement! Report Inappropriate Comment

CEKNIGHT 8/19/2009 9:58AM

Sounds like your doing good! Kepp on keeping on! Enjoy your sons wedding! Gene Report Inappropriate Comment

KING*GET*FIT 8/19/2009 9:53AM

I actually lose more when I eat at the top of my range. Report Inappropriate Comment

Existential crisis?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I was packing last night - leaving for NY today until Sunday. Business and a little pleasure combined.

The challenge for this trip is that I'm visiting existing clients - business casual - and meeting a new client - who knows what? But it's Manhattan, and their offices are on Madison, so I'm guessing not casual. And I don't want to pack too much: I'm small, suffer from shoulder impingement, and just can't lug a lot.

Nothing, but nothing, in my closet suited me. It wasn't appropriate, it didn't look good on me, I don't even know what idiot purchased those clothes. How can my closet be so boring? How can I suddenly hate everything in there? Who in the world thought those things would be fun to own and wear. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and that's not enough, of course. I'm feeling like I'm carrying around the weight of the world on my shoulders. No, not that kind of weight. Not lbs. But pressure. Pressure to do everything well, pressure to take care of everything and everyone, pressure to excel and to keep everyone else's head above water.

So I was on the phone with the SO, and he told me it sounded like I was having an existential crisis. What? At my age? Why now? I just don't have time.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IFDEEVARUNS2 8/12/2009 10:36AM

Thank you all. I really feel as if you heard me - that lifts the burden just a little! Report Inappropriate Comment

KATANNAH 8/12/2009 10:02AM

Hi. I'm a complete stranger, but I've read over some of your blogs, and it seems you have a lot on your plate with the wedding, your mother's illness, and your concerns over not seeing results from your new lifestyle. It's not the clothes that aren't fitting you right now; they're just a metaphor. Do you ever get a chance to just... be? To breathe deeply and release slowly? To spend some time luxuriating in movement that has no purpose other than to feel good? Your last sentence is, "I just don't have time." That makes me so sad. I urge you to make time. You need it, you deserve it, and your life will be better for it. Report Inappropriate Comment

KIMOT2LTD 8/12/2009 9:05AM

There are so many demands on each of us daily, that if one more person tells me, "you can do it. All you need to do is..." No one is an oracle and there is simply no one way to make sense, I think (this is opinion, not advise). What I have found is, however, I personally need to listen to my inner voice more carefully and respect it. I enjoyed your post. Have a rewarding trip. Report Inappropriate Comment

The usual standards

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

So I started the day by balancing my checkbook. A little odd, I'll admit, but I'm a morning person and this seems just fine an activity for the early hours of the day.

I noticed next payday is the 14th and that rang a bell. The 14th? Oh yes, that's the day I landed here. So it will be a month on Friday. And that means it's been four weeks today.

Hold on - four weeks? And I'm still going? Amazing, especially given the lack of success if measured by my usual standards: weight loss and loose clothing. Clothes still don't fit as I'd like, and only a very slight loss of pounds.

On the other hand, I can honestly say that I have followed my plan very well for four weeks. Even the five day hiatus while visiting a friend in the hospital in New York was handled better than usual.

Too busy right now to go into details, but did want to note that
I'm eating more regularly
I'm not afraid of food
I actually want to get more exercise
I'm getting comfortable with the idea of taking my time at this

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

YARDWALKER 8/11/2009 9:44PM

You are doing great and you are making new good habits! You are taking small steps and learning the proper ways to get fit! Congrats to you! Report Inappropriate Comment

STARKITTEN513 8/11/2009 11:00AM

Way to go! The first few weeks of any diet/exercise program are always the hardest, so keeping it up for four weeks is great! Keep up your great work and the results will follow! Report Inappropriate Comment

FEATHERSTITCH 8/11/2009 10:06AM

You are doing well. And you are looking forward to exercise, that is an awesome accomplishment! Report Inappropriate Comment