Thursday, August 27, 2009
It's not my body that needs a good detox - it's my brain. I just read one of the motivational articles here , link>www.sparkpeople.com/resource/motivati
, and it's crystal clear. I'm just not sure the detox they suggest is that easy, after all I've been trying to do this for years now.
Yes, most of us live in a society that gives out very negative messages about being fat, and nowhere was that more evident than in my home growing up. To this day, I worry about what my mother will say about my weight. It's never right - I've been told how much better I'd look if I only lost 5 lbs. Imagine - 5 lbs away from being OK. How ridiculous is that? Every visit was anticipated with dread, and no just by me. My kids have been poisoned as well, not by what I say to them about weight, but by watching the dynamic between me and my mother. And they've felt judged and found wanting - again, not by me. No amount of reassurance by me was effective, so long as they saw me reacting to that judgement.
I thought I'd broken the cycle by not judging them. But they see me judging myself, so the damage is being done.
"Imagine that the negative body image implanted in your brain has suddenly been removed. You wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and don't have any reactions at all. You know how you used to react and why, but realize that all those old feelings and thoughts weren't yours." OK, well, I've known for at least 30 years that those feelings and thoughts aren't mine, and I've known where they come from, but I still haven't been able to detox.
Here's what I think is true - if I could get rid of those blasted tapes, I would decide that I don't need to lose weight at all. That I need to focus on nutrition alone, and increased exercise. There is this little kernel of thought in my head that I'm quite OK as I am, but I immediately shut that thought down.
As for my clothes not fitting (the skinny unhappy me clothes from pre/post divorce), perhaps it's time to retire those and figure out how the happy and mentally healthy me would dress.
But I'm not there yet. I'm still thinking about this. How do I look at myself through different eyes?
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I give up. End of story.
I can accept not losing weight while I rearrange my diet to include more protein. I can't accept gaining weight.
I know I've been scrupulous about noting what I'm eating. When I didn't have access to a computer and was at my son's wedding, I was careful to eat small quantities without denying myself. There is no reason for me to gain weight. This is insane.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
I was anxious yesterday, and couldn't seem to get enough to eat. The result was eating at the top of my range, something I haven't done before. I'm not counting days that I didn't record anything because I was on the road and eating out with clients. It feels odd - intellectually I know it's OK to eat at the top of the range, but I'm feeling scared by it. Take a deep breath......
The reason I was anxious was the blood test results from blood work done last April. My cholesterol was high again, quite high. But my HDL was also quite high, and the ratio is actually excellent. Most doctors just laugh at me when I express concern. And yet this bugs me. I know it isn't due to diet, but just to heredity. I get really upset when a medical person (OK, usually a nurse) tells me I should control the amount of fried foods I eat, then everything will be OK. Fried foods? I don't touch them, never have. Olive oil in my salad dressing is my fat of choice. Again with the numbers, right?
Comfort food - no getting away from it, it's there, and it's comforting. In this case, I allowed myself two TBS of peanut butter. And felt awful about it, all the while really enjoying it. When I mentioned it to my SO he laughed at me: he said he would have eaten half the jar. Well, there's a reason I weigh half what he does. But that's another story.
I wanted to weigh myself this morning, but I didn't. I don't want to feel bad, I don't want to allow numbers to dictate how I feel -well, any more than they already do. Yes, I'm a little unsettled by the comfort food, and eating at the top of my range, but I also know I have not lost control. Not yet. So I'm not going to push myself off that cliff.
Fat clothes - in my case, we're not really talking fat. But 5-10 lbs can mean a difference of two sizes when you're 5' 1"! And when I was so skinny pre/post divorce, I got rid of the 'fat' clothes. I'm now regretting that. I have a broad back and broad shoulders, and I have to deal with that fact. Note to self: it's OK to wear a size medium T-shirt. It may be a little loose when I'm thinner, but it will fit long-term. So I'm going to ignore all those admonitions to get rid of fat clothes. My weight is a range over time, and my clothes sizes can be as well. But I am going to get rid of the skinny clothes, the emaciated self clothes that make me feel guilty every time I see them. Those clothes belonged to a miserably unhappy self, and that's not me any longer. I should not LONG to fit into those again.
My mother is out of the rehab hospital, staying with my brother and his family. She's still very weak, I'll get to see her in 10 days and will get a sense how things are really going. In the meantime, off to Hilton Head for my son's wedding this weekend. I'm sad that none of my family (siblings and mother) will be there, but my four children will be. So be it! Now if that hurricane would just stay away.....
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
I was packing last night - leaving for NY today until Sunday. Business and a little pleasure combined.
The challenge for this trip is that I'm visiting existing clients - business casual - and meeting a new client - who knows what? But it's Manhattan, and their offices are on Madison, so I'm guessing not casual. And I don't want to pack too much: I'm small, suffer from shoulder impingement, and just can't lug a lot.
Nothing, but nothing, in my closet suited me. It wasn't appropriate, it didn't look good on me, I don't even know what idiot purchased those clothes. How can my closet be so boring? How can I suddenly hate everything in there? Who in the world thought those things would be fun to own and wear. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, and that's not enough, of course. I'm feeling like I'm carrying around the weight of the world on my shoulders. No, not that kind of weight. Not lbs. But pressure. Pressure to do everything well, pressure to take care of everything and everyone, pressure to excel and to keep everyone else's head above water.
So I was on the phone with the SO, and he told me it sounded like I was having an existential crisis. What? At my age? Why now? I just don't have time.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
So I started the day by balancing my checkbook. A little odd, I'll admit, but I'm a morning person and this seems just fine an activity for the early hours of the day.
I noticed next payday is the 14th and that rang a bell. The 14th? Oh yes, that's the day I landed here. So it will be a month on Friday. And that means it's been four weeks today.
Hold on - four weeks? And I'm still going? Amazing, especially given the lack of success if measured by my usual standards: weight loss and loose clothing. Clothes still don't fit as I'd like, and only a very slight loss of pounds.
On the other hand, I can honestly say that I have followed my plan very well for four weeks. Even the five day hiatus while visiting a friend in the hospital in New York was handled better than usual.
Too busy right now to go into details, but did want to note that
I'm eating more regularly
I'm not afraid of food
I actually want to get more exercise
I'm getting comfortable with the idea of taking my time at this
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