Sunday, October 16, 2011
I am only in my first week but I am off to a great start, and I am gonna stay strong. I posted some pictures from this last year, I tried to show the dates in hopes of a quick description of a recent up and down just since I gained the 33 pounds back.
Last winter after I seen the winter picture, I was so tearful. It was then that I set a quit smoking date, and diet date. My quit smoking date came and went, I struggled with the mental part but I didn't let it win. I took over, ME! I was pretty sure that I could replace working out with that nasty habit. The date arrived, I was so determined to make this work, I was tired of people telling me I will for sure gain 20 pounds. I was so sick of hearing negative remarks and people just down right mean. I pushed myself even harder, I was on my treadmill running as much and hard as I could trying to get 2-4 miles in EVERYDAY. I was trying to starve myself so much, nothing was happening with my weight, the fight against not smoking was taking over, the people from work flashed all in my mind. I started to think maybe if I just went back to smoking I wouldn't eat as much, here I go again, ME TOOK OVER! I refused, my life is worth more then what a cigarette can offer me. I think my "workingout" or "diet" lasted for about 2-3 weeks maybe, and I got hit with a curve ball*sigh* I had bad shin splints and learned I have a blood clotting issue and have to take aspirin, well, FOREVER! I was pleased...NOT really, once again I came face to face with that nasty product, parts of me tried talking myself into it, but there was ME still in control. I dealt with lots of crying, and I decided to let me have what my body needs and that's to not stress it more while I fight not smoking. I welcomed only 10 pounds (thank you co-workers, its not 20), I talked to myself so much, I was pretty sure I was my only friend. I am pretty sure aside of my family I still am, all my "friends" smoke.
Its March 2011 my chin splints healed, depression hit me SOME, and news continued to come about my dying friend. Things were up then down and I fought a good fight with not smoking. One day I get a FB message from a friend telling me to contact her about being a coach for beachbody, being familiar with Hip Hop Abs, I was interested. So...I made contact, she sold me the coaching program PLUS the shakeology. I was so stoked and ready to do the best I could, but nobody would give me 10 mins. My friends and family said NO! NO! NO! Okay, I can respect that, so my plan...I was gonna be the product, I followed it to the T and did everything I had to do, I lost the 10 lbs I gained, my husband lost 30 lbs and I knew then that I am still in a fight with this not smoking thing. I cried out loud "WHEN WILL IT END" I was so angry, I worked out everyday. I noticed my body shape had changed and I was not thrilled at all, in fact I felt as though I lost my girlie shape. My hips got wider, my shoulders too, my pants wouldn't fit anymore. By time July arrived and rivers of tears and refused to ever use that program again. I felt like a quitter, when people would ask me how I was doing I just sounded like a big excuse.
Hello July! I was feeling a little bit of relief from quitting that program, but my depression was sure in full throttle. I had 3 birthdays to plan, a trip to Vegas, and my dear friend died on my kids birthday. That was a tough moment for me, we were in the middle of cake (two of my kids share a birthday) and I was taking pictures when my phone rang. It was late and all I could think of was who would be calling me this late (it was a friend from work) she said that my friends mother wanted to come because my friend wasn't going to make it thru the night. I dropped and just cried, I told my kids I was so sorry this is happening, but they knew the story with her and my relationship with her. Thinking back I wonder why couldn't I keep myself together and be strong. Well, off I go to say my goodbye, and as I walk into the hospital (ER entrance) the desk nurse asks "can I help you" Thankfully I wasn't alone, and I walked to silence and bowed my head and cried a bit. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach, I took several deep breaths and continued to the elevator where we had to ride, what seemed to be, the longest ride EVER to the 3rd floor. The doors opened and we walk down the long dark hallway and took turn after turn, like we were in some sort of maze. Then we stopped at her room door and I saw her mom and dad, and they looked at me and others who were in there waved me in. At that moment all I was trying to think of was how do you say goodbye. I felt frozen and it seemed like I was paused there in one place for a million seconds. Her mother walked towards me crying and shaking her head, and had that hyperventilating hesitation thing going on as she walked to me and I heard her say "we lost her, she's gone" we hugged, cried, and I learned she had just passed away right before I got there. My friend was just a young girl in her 20's, college grad, no kids, never married, the only daughter out of like 5 kids. She was smart and one of the neatest people. I was lucky to know her. She had a rare form of brain cancer. This was devastating to me, and then the funeral, I sound so selfish but I am still trying to deal with my fathers death when I was 12 and then this just hit close.
This year was a challenge, and I know I am still here, I will not die today, I am healthy. I have a lot to be thankful for, and it took me getting myself help so I could see clear. I will stay strong from here on out, I will keep going on for a long time, and I am gonna get my SPARK on and roll on. Life is our journey our legacy and I wanna make mine interesting that's all :)