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IAMFREETORUN's Recent Blog Entries

Where's That Girl?

Sunday, July 04, 2010

Last Seen: Somewhere in the early teen years.

Description: Sassy grin, sparkling eyes that were full of mischief, long tangled (or short disheveled, depending on the year!) red hair, usually flying behind her as she runs somewhere, athletic build that was still all curves somehow, and a rock-solid iron will.

Reward: The whole world on a silver platter.

I've struggled with my identity so long, I've almost given up hope of ever finding the girl I was or the ...
Last Seen: Somewhere in the early teen years.

Description: Sassy grin, sparkling eyes that were full of mischief, long tangled (or short disheveled, depending on the year!) red hair, usually flying behind her as she runs somewhere, athletic build that was still all curves somehow, and a rock-solid iron will.

Reward: The whole world on a silver platter.

I've struggled with my identity so long, I've almost given up hope of ever finding the girl I was or the woman she thought she would be. All I know is that right now, I'm Pseudo Me. This shrinking, retiring, unsure person isn't me.

The girl I used to be lived for summer camp and was active from the minute her feet hit the floor every morning until her exhausted mother finally chased her to bed at night. She rode horses, played hockey and ringette, rode a BMX bike and did jumps with her brother and the neighbourhood boys, swam, and tried anything at least once. She preferred to be outside if she could. Her favourite movies were the Indiana Jones, Romancing the Stone kind and yearned for her very own proving ground where she could explore the absolute limits of her (very substantial) capabilities. She, at 13 years old, had a workout routine that she performed every single morning when she got out of bed, before dressing, before eating, before anything! Where the heck did she learn to do that?! Her tummy was flat and her arms were "not guns, more like little cannons!" That's a direct quote from a boy she knew.

I miss her desperately. I want to be the woman SHE was growing up to be. I don't know who this person is, this life I'm leading. I feel like I've been lost... and maybe it's time to find that whirlwind little girl... so I can find ME.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KENDALL7261 7/4/2010 12:22AM

  Let me know when you find her! Just tonight I looked at my kindergarten photo and wondered what happened? How did my life seem to derail so far from the track.
I guess it's the journey not the destination.
Good luck my friend. You will find her.
emoticon emoticon

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Five Things...

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Week 1 ITC is to write about five things that motivate me to make healthy choices.

Well, for one thing, this challenge presumes that I am motivated to make healthy choices. That's a pretty confident presumption!

OK. All kidding aside, I am sometimes motivated to make a healthy choice. It has been known to happen from time to time. I think one of the most difficult problems I've faced on this journey is that I don't really understand why some days I'm so motivated and other days I just couldn't even begin to care. So this is a great exercise for me!

Thing Number One:
I have definitely noticed that when it comes to being motivated to make healthy choices, "success begets success". In other words, if I've already made some awesome choices that day or even that week, I'm that much more motivated to keep it going. Maybe that's what the SP folks mean when they talk about "streaks".

Thing Number Two:
In keeping with the first one, but not exactly the same, I'm more motivated when I'm feeling really good about myself in general. So if school has been rough and then my husband is snarly (which is more often than not) and then a friend is too busy to talk, and the weather is awful, well... by the time I get home, I am ready to declare open season on M&Ms and brownies. But on the other hand, if I got a great grade or a prof said something encouraging, I had a great long talk with my parents on the phone, I feel loved and admired, and just generally happy with my life, then I don't even think about the junk food and it's so easy to be enthusiastic about putting together some great healthy meals and going for that walk or workout session.

Thing Number Three:
This one is tricky, because it depends on how I'm feeling, but most of the time, seeing something I really want to do will motivate me. Remembering how much I loved to ride horses (and I'm reminded a lot more these days, now that I am out walking trails all the time), wanting to be able to ice skate again, wanting to try skiing or snowboarding will often make me less tempted to swing by the drive-through or plow through a plate of cookies. Even going through my very large box of summer clothes, none of which I've been able to wear for years and some of which I've never even worn really puts me back on track because of how desperately I want to be able to wear all those cute and fun clothes I see my friends wearing. Have to be careful though, because if I think about wanting to get pregnant and finally having my babies, I can quickly become hopeless and get into a downward spiral.

Thing Number Four:
Being able to motivate others. This is good for me to realize! It's true, I want to be able to inspire someone else who is suffering and enduring her or his life inside a flesh prison to know that it IS possible! Escape is possible! Freedom is theirs for the taking! In order to help others, even those right in my own family, I need to be a huge (pun intended!) success story that they can't argue with. I have the same genetics, the same health concerns, and lower financial status as my family and so if I can do it, they will hopefully be inspired and know they can have the same success.

Thing Number Five:
The most motivating thing I can think of is to know that by taking care of the body He gave me, living a life of health and balance and exuberance and joy, I would be an excellent steward and it would be one more way I can glorify the Name of God. If someone sees me defeated and trapped, weak and hopeless, groaning under the weight of all my bad choices, what will they think of my Lord? But if I lean on Him and seek the wholeness and health He wants for us, then I become a cup filled with His joy, and people will see God's beauty and grace through me even more than they did before.

What a great exercise! I feel like I'm a big step closer to understanding myself and the way I make choices. I'm going to print this out and put it in my journal so I can see it every day and learn how to recognize my triggers and how to dodge the bullets!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRAYRN1 2/23/2010 10:41AM

    I like it...it really gets me thinking about my motivation...what is leading me to want to achieve my goals!! Go BEAUTIES!


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TIN_LIZZY 2/22/2010 11:04PM

    I really liked your blog, Pookibear, and it's motivating me, so you get to claim success with Reason #4 today!


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TERRIJ_1 2/22/2010 1:14PM

    Good Job !!! I hope I am a s motivated as you are !!!

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ITSABOUTME2407 2/22/2010 11:14AM

    wow !!!..u are doing some heavy work ..good job..thats what I call commitment keep it up ..the more time we put into this journey the more likely the success don't ya think? emoticontrish

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ITSABOUTME2407 2/22/2010 11:13AM

    wow !!!..u are doing some heavy work ..good job..thats what I call commitment keep it up ..the more time we put into this journey the more likely the success don't ya think? emoticontrish

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DIFROMWYOMING 2/21/2010 6:10PM

    emoticon Wonderful! And I'm proud of you for taking a good hard look at yourself and being willing to acknowledge your motivators! LOVE your page, too! Go Beauties!

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Wednesday, February 03, 2010

"You can't fix a problem you haven't acknowledged."

These words changed everything. I have not acknowledged my body from the lower lip down since 1998. There have been brief moments where the sheer enormity of the problem (oh, yes... ALL puns fully intended) has intruded explosively into the calm denial I worked so hard to maintain, but overall, complete and willful ignorance has been the order of the day.

It's not like I never ate a salad or used my legs. I had bouts of healthy eating the way some people have bouts of the flu. When pressed upon, I sometimes walked as much as several meters in one day! Sometimes it was even intentional! Of course, I called it "getting healthy" or "focusing on being more balanced" or some such bull$h!t that enabled me to continue carrying on as though I was a completely normal chubby person.

But even the Empress Queen Supreme of Denial has chinks in her blinders. Even the most staunch denial will waver when you try to get into a booth at a restaurant and literally can't even get in. Or worse... you can get in, but you need to spend a good 15 red-faced minutes quietly working your way out of it. No good. Or buying shirts that look like you will be totally swimming in them... only to put them on at home and realize you can't actually get one on past your waist.

There some amazing, courageous brave souls on here who have posted their "before" photos. So I figured I would. Because how bad was I, really?

Pretty freaking bad, it looks like. I've put them in my gallery and there they will stay until I have something to put next to them. Denial is a lovely state to visit, but if I keep living there, it's going to kill me. The truth hurts - worse than a very large, very new scab being torn off a recent wound - but there is nothing left for me here in this big empty castle in this kingdom of mine called Denial. Even my dreams have flown away to greener pastures where they might get to go for a walk once in a while.

So join me... have a nice glass of brewed iced tea with a little lemon and take in the bleak landscape of scorched hopes and razed intentions - and keep me company while I pack. The rooms are haunted here, but I still need to say my proper goodbyes before I leave Denial forever and, my trembling hand in yours, set off for a new castle in a kingdom called Promise.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GEORGIA_KAY 2/21/2010 2:10PM

    I was your very near neighbor in that kingdom of Denial.

I flew the coop too, and am glad you did as well. We can write our own tickets now to anywhere in the world we want to go to.

We really can--and will--do this!


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    Yay! You BLOGGED!! It was awesome, as usual!

I will hold your hand, but my life feels a lot like skiing down moguls with cookie sheets tied to my feet right now.

We can do this. We will be brave and just keep moving forward and let the past be just that.

Yay you!!

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DIFROMWYOMING 2/3/2010 10:01AM

    Wonderful, insightful blog! I also did 'before' pictures. They were dismal, but the 'current' ones (not after yet) next to them are pretty exciting as time goes by. You WILL see that, too. I could SO relate to everything you put down here, from the booths to the clothing denials. Even now, when I look back at photos, I almost dont' recognize myself and think "where the hell WAS I? Didn't I SEE this happening?" I guess I didn't. I'm not LIVING in Denial anymore, but I still visit there sometimes. It's all about the progress. emoticon

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    So true. I have been in denial for a long time too. I have those before picture. You can do it. Just think about those amazing after pictures. Go girl. emoticon

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Backtalk About Plant Sterols and Stanols

Saturday, July 18, 2009

I just read this article: Plant Sterols and Plant Stanols: What You Need to Know www.sparkpeople.com/resource/nutriti
right here on SparkPeople, and I'm very concerned. Only two of the comments on the article seemed to realize what I realized: that messing with our food MORE is not the way to go. I'm posting my comment here (with modifications) so I can easily refer back to it later.

I agree with KIMTRIM, this kind of thing falls into the "Frankenfood" category for me and I will stay well away from foods with artificial "plant sterols" added in. I also must say I worry that SparkPeople seems to be heading the way of most mainstream "diet" sites, heavily advertising pseudo health foods like soy products and Cheerios, which is continuing to contribute to people's confusion and poor choices.

Phytoesterols, like all food components, like herbs, like medicine, are powerful agents and must be treated with respect. There's a reason why there's only a tiny amount in natural occurrences! Whether you feel we evolved or were created, our bodies have a specific way of interacting with this environment that supports and nourishes us - messing with the food supply the way we have done has led to epidemic, alarming levels of obesity and related diseases. The way to fix this problem is not to continue artificially manipulating food in the factories, but to return to eating whole foods, as close to its natural state as possible.

How many of us were surprised to realize that brown rice was healthier because it was UNrefined, as opposed to white rice, which has the healthiest parts stripped away? Or when we discovered that whole wheat, like any whole grain, is better for you because we get the nutrients already present in the bran and kernel? Didn't you stop to wonder why in the world anyone would have come up with the idea to refine rice or wheat to begin with? I sure did! And the conclusion is that they didn't know any better.

Well, we know better now. It is ridiculous to buy orange juice that has the phytoesterols from peanuts in it. Now you are consuming a food that has been processed twice - first to get the juice, and second to add the plant stanols or plant sterols. Instead, eat whole fruits and vegetables, whole grains, reduce your saturated fats and increase the good ones.

SparkPeople is overall a great site, but I really wish we could stop pandering to the FOOD INDUSTRY and start pandering to the vital needs of our bodies, first and always!

Just wanted to add - when high-fructose corn syrup was first made, no one would have thought that a sweetener derived from corn (how natural!) could cause the problems it has caused. The corn growers of the US have even begun advertising campaigns to combat the legitimate growing concerns with high-fructose corn syprup! It shows people being ignorant and confused when asked to explain "why" high-fructose corn syrup is bad for you, and then smug, slick people saying how it was so good for you because it's "made from corn".

It's "made from corn" the way beer is "made from barley". I'm not knocking beer, I love the stuff, but I wouldn't put it in my nutrition tracker as a serving of grains!! Beware, beware ANY claim made by any manufacturer or seller of foods. Do your research. There's some truly outrageous goings-on in our food system and this development (adding plant sterols and plant stanols to food) is just another one.

I used to believe, in all my trusting naivete, that if I found something on the shelf in a grocery store, I could trust that it would be safe for me. I'm since discovering that LEGAL does not equal SAFE or healthy, and that most companies selling food would far rather make a buck than see you nourished. Don't believe the slick, colourful ads with shiny happy actors making health claims. Give them the bird and look out for your health. You deserve it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CYNDIDAVISUSA 10/26/2009 4:10PM

    Heh heh. Good GIRL!

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Saturday, July 18, 2009

Duplicate. Why is there no "delete" button for blog posts?


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