Thursday, October 28, 2010
Well, tonight is the night. I am still stressed about completing the forms. However, my mother who volunteers at the hospital and works there at times re-assured me a great deal. She finally understands the difficulty of the forms, and gave me some advice what I need to do to complete them. I don't know why I am so nervous, except not only is it a visit with a doctor, but so many times when I am being examined they find nothing. Not that I want them to, but I do know I have had a problem since birth, and the more I read about the need for restful sleep the more I feel I should get the best quality possible. I know from my research I have what is determined as problems with my circadian rythms.
I did learn that woman will very likely not even be there.
Now I will try and complete what needs to be done. I really appreciate all the support and encouragement of my Spark Friends.
Soon it will be over, and I can return to whatever I can call "routine".
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I admit it-I am one of those annoying individuals who are always asking questions. It is important for me to know why things are the way they are. Sometimes there is no why-it just is. Many of the questions I have are the obvious, but perhaps I have an inherent need for re-assurance. Looking at this reveals one of my biggest challenges-perfectionism. However, it is not necessary to remain immobilized simply because I might make a poor choice. What has been chosen can always be remedied by other choices.
I can see the necessity for me simply to trust the inner voice and act accordingly. It is usually correct.
This has been brought to mind, as once again, I am feeling quite foolish. Hence, another challenge-let go. It really doesn't matter what others think. Bottom line-I am scheduled for a sleep study the 28th. I am required to fill out paperwork, naturally, but the sleep diary is the most ridiculous form I have ever run across. It is confusing, and impossible to provide an accurate account. The feedback I receive is it is no big deal. However, having worked in healthcare I know it is important to get the most accurate and complete information available.
However, I have little choice but to deal with what I am given and trust that some sense can be made from what seems to me to be senseless. I need the faith to simply let it all go.
For some reason, my recent confirmation conversation is troubling. Things always have a way of working out, and I suppose the unkown also is playing a key role.
Writing has always been a way of putting things to rest. Now it has been done, and I can continue with my day.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
I am gaining much from Spark in areas I would never have imagined. I actually am becoming stronger and more fit. I must be. Once again I took quite a tumble. This time it was down a flight of stairs. I have been expecting this, as these are the type of stairs which I have always had difficulty. However, although I have areas I have injured several times in the last few months, because of the challenges and workouts on Spark I was able to recover myself with only a few strains, and some soreness. It could have-and in the past, would have, been much more serious.
Today, I took it slowly, and will work up to my usual routine as my body lets me know it is time.
This is also a lesson, slow to be learned. I want so much so often to jump right back in.
This will only slow things down.
As time permits and I reflect it never ceases to amaze me the ripple effect of the efforts I am making to change.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
I am still having difficulty reconciling what I need with what everyone else wants. I still have a pile of things I need/want to do and it is becoming overwhelming. There seems to be so many demands on my time that I am spinning my wheels.
I apologize to all my Spark friends for my tardiness in acknowledging my appreciation for all of the support, encouragement, goodies, and uplifting messages. They mean so much to me.
So many times when things are a bit rough, I will receive a comment from one of my friends and it truly brightens my day. I have had several of those timely messages arrive lately, and I am so grateful to have the encouragement of such a wonderful group of individuals.
All day yesterday and today I have delayed what I wanted to accomplish. It isn't that I desire control over others, but over myself. I fight the guilt constantly, and remain frustated because I feel pushed to fall into my do everything for everyone else mode. Even when it is only implied. I can see many issues arising as I reflect on this-issues of a lifetime. It will take time, and perhaps patience is one of the lessons I need to learn. The biggest issue I continue to look at is boundaries. The people-pleasing and trying to make everything work just won't happen. I need to learn how to be happy with the way things are, and who I am today, as I work towards the person I want to be.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I have a cat, which I have always believed was sent to especially to me. In my mind, he has always been my "angel cat". Whenever I have been hurt or in any kind of pain he has always been there. I gave him the nickname after I had a severe charley horse and upon awakening, as we often do, cried out God help me. The next thing I knew, Elmo was right there offering me comfort as only cats can. He had been on the sunporch, but his awareness of my pain brought him to me. When I am ill, he will place his paws on the areas which hurt, and pat them as he sings to me.
I have learned so many lessons from him. Unconditional love, and patience to name a few.
Many are aware of the commentary 12 Lessons I have Learned from my Cat. To those who have any kinship with felines or animals in general I highly reccomend it. There are many truths to be found. I have received it in e-mails several times, but I am uncertain of the author.
Lately, it has been a struggle to get him to take the medication necessary for him to have any quality of life. I am uncertain if it is simply a show of independence not wanting to take the food we put it in, or if he doesn't like the food. I keep trying many things. Sometimes, when he is doing well he will eat it without a fuss. I have an array of things I have tried. Purees of tuna, salmon, various catfood mixtures etc. He has always been particular about texture and smell. Freshness has always been a must. Today, I opened pureed, and threw away two cans of food. I really can't afford to do this, but the lengths we go for our pets can be amazing.
We have been taking a syringe and shooting it down. Now, it is my turn, and I am not really certain I can handle this. However just as today I spent trying to tempt him, not eating, getting angry, and generally getting behind, I will do what I must. He is one of the most precious things in my life, and he keeps me going.
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