While what I achieved today may seem minor to many, they were the first of many baby steps to me and I am proud of myself.
I am trying to find the words to sum up how I have been feeling lately and while I am not sure depressed covers it, it is the closest thing I can come up with. Everything has spun out of control. My home is a mess, my car is a mess, my finances are a mess, and my body is a mess. And I haven't had the energy or the drive to take care of any of it.
Today was my day off and while usually that would mean doing next to nothing except sleeping and occasionally thinking about the stuff I should be doing I got up. I had breakfast. I thought about going back to sleep. I hung out on spark people for a little while then I started to clean my car. I can't even begin to explain how bad my car was or how/why I let it get to this point but it was bad. It took 4 big black garbage bags to bring all the stuff in my car up to the apartment. I purposely decided to turn this into a physical activity in that I brought each one up two flights of stairs one at a time. I also only brought what I could carry in my hands to the garbage bin without a bag taking multiple trips. As I brought everything up to the apartment I made sure to put everything away. I am ashamed to say that I had a full dishwasher full of mugs and tupperware in my car. I washed it all.
I washed all of the towel in the apartment.
During breaks from cleaning I finally started reading The Spark (I finally found it in my car.)
And for the first time in weeks I made dinner for myself.
I am hoping that I am making a lifestyle change I am so afraid that these are one time things and not a real lasting change. I can't continue with things the way they have been. I am trying to take small baby steps. I think blogging on here is helping. putting my thoughts into words makes me acknowledge what is going on in my head.
As always I want to list my gratitudes
I am grateful for my family.
I am grateful to have a car
I am grateful for the abundance in my life that would allow me to have 4 bags of stuff in my car
i am grateful for the people who read my blogs and acknowledge them
1. I am grateful for my family. It is sometimes easy for me to forget this when I feel overwhelmed by everyone’s needs, but I truly am grateful to have a family that I love and that loves me so much. There are so many people out there who have little or no involvement with their family. I have a truly positive relationship with my family.
2. I am grateful for my job. Not many people have a job that they truly enjoy. I have a job that I love and feel that I was meant to do. I need to remind myself of this when I feel tired or stressed.
3. I am grateful for Marianne and all that she does for me and my family. She is a true blessing in my life.
4. I am grateful for the spring that is upon us. I look forward to getting outside.
Things I did well today
1. portion control
2. did not get stuck
3. within my calories
4. took a shower
5. logged on to sparkpeople
6. talked to Kim about $
7. started journal
Things I can improve
1. still need to slow down when I am eating
2. too many liquid calories
4. not enough fluid
5. no exercise
6. time sheets
1. stop drinking coffee with sugar. Drink tea instead.
2. try to take a shower daily and wear makeup.
3. start smoking pills put reminder in phone and carry pills with me.
4. plan lunch and dinner for the week. Cook ahead what I can.
5. schedule exercise
6. do time sheets every other day
7. make to do list nightly for next day
I think that I am depressed. I have let so many things spin out of control lately. I am not even taking care of my personal self. Why am I doing this? Why can’t I seem to do the things that I really need to do even though there are such negative repercussions to not doing them, like not calling the car company, or doing my time sheets/notes. I think I should make an appointment with a counselor yet I have known this for quite some time and I still have not done it. I will do this tomorrow.
I have been feeling stressed and overwhelmed lately. I have a hard time saying no to people. I have this need to please everyone around me.
I am disappointed with my weight. I have been stuck at 188 for so long. I wonder though if this is true. While I know that I need to lose more I think perhaps in some ways I am content with where I am. I have come so far. And while I want to lose more I am having a hard time finding the drive/motivation/oomph that I had when I first started this journey. I am hoping that as I start training for the best buddies ride several things will happen: I will lose some weight which will motivate me to lose more, as I start exercising I will have more energy, more energy will lead to me feeling better about myself which will lead me to care more about myself.
I HOPE THIS IS TRUE
I am going to try to do this daily. I am hoping that by doing this I will be more aware of my daily actions. I am not always good with follow through so if anyone reads this and just wants to send me a reminder to do my daily journal I would appreciate it. I am hoping that once I get into a routine it will just become a habit/ritual.
The spark stratagey for today is to think about and blog about what I am having trouble with. I have been thinking about this and there are two things that I really need to improve if I really want to succeed at this. The 1st is drinking enough. I really struggle with this every day and what I usually end up doing is drinking a huge 20 ounce bottle at the end of the night. I know that this does not help me. I know that I get dehydrated throughout the day. Why can't I manage to drink fluids during the day? The second thing that I am struggling with is exercising. I am not doing it any where enough. For the next several weeks I am going to make this my focus. I will start by buying a refillable bottle and making sure that it is filled throughout the day. I will put up a few post it notes around the house to remind me to drink. I am also going to tell my 14 y.o. dtr to remind me. As for exercise I am still trying to flush out a plan. I am going to try to exercise in the evening when I wake up. I will put post it notes by my bedside lamp and by my computer. I think for now I am going to try doing the pool every other day since my hip and back still really bother me. I am also going to ask my husband to come to the gym with me to show me some of the machines. (I am always a little intimidated at the gym.) If you happen to see this blog and you see me online ask me how I am doing and remind me to get a drink.
I have really been struggling the last few days. I quit smoking May 20th, and I was really doing good. Yeah I have had cravings, but surprisingly they have been pretty manageable. Last week though I went to a good friends house and the whole way there all i could think about was the fact that she had cigarettes. Now this is not the first time I have been around smoking since I quit, so I was really unprepared for how bad my desire was. I did good and even though I really REALLY wanted a cigarette, I did not have one. (I did have a puff though )
Friday I had to take my S-I-L to the doctors (she is in the process of being diagnosed with MS.) She smokes quite a lot, usually I am ok with it. Friday was a stressful day though; the doctor was over an hour and a half late and I was in a hurry because I had to leave so that I could drive 5 1/2 hours to Maine to pick up my DD from camp. To add to the stress level DH was being a total @**. So... I asked S-I-L for a cigarette. Fortunately she would not give me one. I did resist the urge to stop at the store for a pack though. I am proud of that.
I really felt the urge a lot this weekend. I have not had any other incidents, but I have been really struggling.