HOWIEANN   58,809
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One more heartbreak

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Just as a heads up... this post isn't going to be happy or hopeful or anything good. Honestly, I just need a place to get my feelings down. And while it's ok for people to read and comment, I won't be hurt if people don't either. And I'm going to be putting down everything, so if you don't want scary details, you may want to stop reading.

We lost our precious Peanut Monday morning. I went to bed thinking everything was ok. About 3:30 am, I woke up, thinking I needed to go to the bathroom. I took a couple of steps and got really irritated... I didn't need to go enough to be wetting my pants. Then I felt a gush and knew that something was terribly, terribly wrong. I knew somehow that I was going to see lots of blood when I got to the bathroom. But I still hoped that maybe things would be ok, because that's what you do. I knew that I would be heading to the hospital, hoping against hope that there would be some chance. What I didn't expect was to find the baby hanging there. It went that fast. No pain, no cramping... just a gush and all the hopes we had for that precious baby were gone.

Mom came to stay with the girls, who had woken up with all the commotion and had to be told. Our sweet Alicia just cried and cried and then tried to comfort us. My Sami started sobbing for about 2 minutes. Then she smiled big up at her daddy and said "You're just teasing me." Oh, how I wish that we could have been such cruel people to have made a joke like that. I hated having to kill that little spark of hope in her eyes. She was going to be such an amazing big sister.

Mom only lives a few minutes away, so we headed out to the hospital quickly. And then the crazy bleeding started. I don't even want to think what kind of war zone our car looked like. The ER got me into a room right away... and everything went from horrible to terrifying. I was losing so much blood, so quickly, that they started IVs right away that they could use for a blood transfusion. When the doctor came into the room, you could see that he was concerned. Right away, he told me that it looked like I'd probably be heading to the OR and quite possible would need a transfusion. I'd already had one huge dizzy spell since I'd gotten there. I met the OB on call - mine is on vacation until Monday. He was great. I have no complaints about him at all. And they had ultrasound in the room quickly, too. They ordered blood for a transfusion and called the OR to do the D&C. And then my blood pressure dropped so low - like 70/35ish. I could feel that I was close to losing consciousness... it was that tunnel feeling where everything starts turning kind of white static and everyone sounds far away. I never actually went out and they opened the IV as fast as they could. And got the transfusion going as fast as possible. We got to the ER about 4:30 and I was in surgery before 6. I was so scared on the way there and was they were getting everything ready that I wasn't going to wake up. All I could think was my poor family loosing both the baby and their mama/wife in one morning.

Obviously, I made it through fine and when I woke up, physically I was fine. The emotional... well, right now, I'm not sure I'll ever be ok, but I know that we'll make it through somehow.

We don't know a reason. I don't know if they were doing testing or anything. I think Peanut was a boy, but I'm not sure. He was still so tiny. Honestly, everyone was concerned about me that we never came back to Peanut. I guess those are questions for my OB on Monday. All I know is that by looking at that baby, there was no reason to think there was anything wrong. I don't know if I'll ever be able to close my eyes without picturing holding that precious little body. I remember holding him in one hand and covering him with the other on the way to the hospital, almost as if I was trying to protect him. I so wanted this baby. I never expected another one, but I so wanted the chance to be a mama again.

And I don't know what else to write. I believe that in heaven, there are 4 precious little ones playing together. Well, Peanut is probably watching... he's awful tiny. But I like to think that his brothers/sisters that also didn't make it are looking out for him. And I believe that someday, I'll get to meet them and my family will grow quite quickly. But in the meantime, there are 4 precious baby shaped holes in my heart. And one is still bleeding like crazy. And I'm not sure I can handle any more holes...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SMILES_CAN_DO 1/27/2014 6:20PM

  I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart is heavy for you and your family. Please take care.

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RAINEMARIE214 12/3/2013 10:55AM

    emoticon so, so sorry for your loss :(

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HDHAWK 12/2/2013 10:00PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost 3 to miscarriage so I do understand. Hug those girls of yours extra tight. Take care.

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ONEDAYATATIME14 12/2/2013 9:21PM

  Thinking of you!

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KITTYKITTEMMING 12/2/2013 8:36PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself. My thoughts are with you and your family.

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OBNURSE3 12/2/2013 4:02PM

    Holly I am so glad you were able to put your loss into words and hope that it will help you and Wayne heal. What a blessing you had to hold this tiny angel before being rushed into the OR.
Although I have never lost a baby of my own. I have certainly been with too many moms and dads who are saying there first hello at the same time as they must say their goodbyes. I am usually the nurse who volunteers to wash them, photograph them and present them to their parents and give them the best experience that is possible under the circumstances. While I delicately do my job I always wish the baby blessed travels to the arms of their family waiting in heaven. I truly believe that you will reunite with Peanut again.

Lots of love and hugs to you and your family emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/2/2013 4:03:34 PM

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GEORGE815 11/30/2013 1:34PM

    Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

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KAROLINELIEN 11/29/2013 8:16PM

    Holly, my heart aches for you. Thinking of Peanut and his siblings up in heaven and your family here on earth. Prayers and hugs all around emoticon

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ETTEZEUS 11/29/2013 3:35PM

    I have no words for you Holly that will take away your pain. I can only offer you my shoulder and many, many hugs!
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LIZZYP609 11/29/2013 3:12PM

    I am emoticon. emoticon

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HAPPY_AS_IS 11/27/2013 8:02PM

    I am so sorry for your loss!

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MARIATORA 11/27/2013 7:36PM

    emoticon
So sad. My prayers are with you and your family.

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TWESTEN1 11/27/2013 6:24PM

    Sending thoughts and prayers your way. The blog was gut wrenching and I can not even imagine the tremendous pain that you and your family are going through. I wish there was a way to take away the pain, but unfortunately that will only happen in time. I hope you feel all the hugs and love coming your way from spark friends. Praying for your comfort.

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STORMYWEN 11/27/2013 6:01PM

    I am so very sorry for your loss. Praying that your heart will heal with time.
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FITNHEALTHYKAL 11/27/2013 5:53PM

    emoticon There are no words to say that will make this any less nightmarish or tragic. I am so very sorry.... emoticon

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P0KERS0PH 11/27/2013 5:32PM

    Holly, take care of yourself. I am so sorry for your loss and know that peanut is not alone in heaven. There are really no words. Just know I am thinking of you.

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THINNYGINNY 11/27/2013 5:24PM

    I've got four little ones in heaven too..so sorry to hear of someone else going through this heartbreak.. Wish I was your next door neighbor and could bring you a meal and a hug. Will be praying for you as you grieve the loss of your precious baby.. emoticon

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STRONGNFIERCE 11/27/2013 5:21PM

    Prayers and hugs for you in the most challenging of times.


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STONECOT 11/27/2013 5:18PM

    I lost two babies myself, so I know a little of what you feel at the moment. No words can help, but emoticon anyway.

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HEALTH4LYFE 11/27/2013 5:11PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon Prayers to you and your family. So sorry for all you went through and the very difficult emotional time.

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LILYGAL 11/27/2013 4:49PM

    emoticon for you and your family. I know what you are going thru. I've been where you are. It is SO hard. I'm crying now for both you and your babies and probably a little for myself and the baby that is in heaven waiting for me. emoticon

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SEAJESS 11/27/2013 4:33PM

    emoticon A huge painful loss. Please be gentle with yourself during this challenging time. Sending you prayers for a full and complete healing and blessed memory of your time on the planet with Peanut.
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FRABBIT 11/27/2013 4:24PM

  Oh my goodness. I am so sorry and saying a special prayer for your Peanut and your family.

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RUNNINGWILD 11/27/2013 4:19PM

    emoticon So many thoughts and no way of ever putting into words how sorry I am that you're going through all this. And that you've gone through it before. emoticon

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Where's the Time Gone?

Sunday, November 03, 2013

Has it really been almost 3 months since I posted on here? Wow! Time flies, I guess.

I'm laughing at myself a little, reading the last few posts I wrote. In July and August, I'd probably have cried and thrown in the towel if I'd known that in November I'd only be able to claim a 5 pound loss in 3 months. But ya know what, I'm amazed by it and telling myself to be careful instead. That seemingly small loss means that I'm taking care of myself and not letting all those crazy cravings get out of control. It means that I'm eating healthy and even though I'm not getting the exercise I'd like to, I'm doing ok. And I know that the weight loss won't continue for much longer.

Pregnancy isn't the time to worrying about the weight, but it is an excellent time to get myself on track with good eating habits.

Oh! Did I forget to mention that little detail? Yeah, I'm 11 weeks pregnant! Peanut is due to arrive in mid-to-late May. We didn't expect it, but we're all thrilled!! So far, everything looks healthy and happy and good!

So, assuming that I remember to keep up with this, you won't hear much about weight loss or great new exercise plans (lots of walking and stuff like that). But, you may see a lot about trying to strengthen good habits and figure out good routines that will work with another little one in the picture. I know it won't be easy, but it's a good kind of difficult, ya know?

Oh! And if you're my friend on Facebook, you didn't miss an announcement... We aren't telling there until after Thanksgiving (15 weeks).

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GEORGE815 11/7/2013 7:27PM

    Congrats on your conceiving event.

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OBNURSE3 11/5/2013 12:11PM

    Love the outlook.. Congrats again. If there's anything I can help with along the way let me know

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LRSILVER 11/5/2013 6:51AM

    Congratulations!!!! That is such great news.

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HOLISTIC5 11/4/2013 9:12PM

    emoticon keep us posted !!!! And a 5 lb. weight lose now is amazing !!!

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KAROLINELIEN 11/4/2013 9:00PM

    I feel very special for being your SparkFriend and knowing about Peanut before Facebook! ;-)

CONGRATULATIONS!

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DFOLKARD 11/4/2013 7:47AM

    emoticon YAY!

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EWL978 11/3/2013 11:29PM

    Congratulations on your little "surprise"!!

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Meal Planning

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Why is it so hard to plan out meals? Even more to the point - why is it so hard to STICK to the plan?

Last week was just a wash with meals... not even worth talking about. When I work from 12-8:30, I don't do well with meals for myself and have no real input on meals for the rest of the family. So I'm not even concerning myself with that.

But I'll have those days where I have a plan... and it's generally pretty healthy. And then I just don't feel like it. Or I'm so worn out (whine, whine, whine) that I don't want to take the time to make it.

I have several crock pot cookbooks sitting at home right now. And they are doing a great job at holding down the carpet. I mean, if that's their purpose, they're doing it superbly! That carpet is not escaping. Too bad that's not what they're about, right?

So, here's the plan... I'm taking a vacation day tomorrow to spend some last minute back to school time with Alicia. I'm going to take an hour of that extra time and get a meal plan down for the rest of this week and hopefully next week. And then stick. to. it.

I can do this....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIESHU 8/17/2013 11:02PM

    YOU CAN DO IT!! Imagine how empowered you will feel at the end of the day after you have cooked the meal you wanted! Because you already know you CAN do it! :)

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NERDLETTE 8/17/2013 8:07PM

    You can do this, Holly!! emoticon

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX12 8/17/2013 4:39PM

    emoticon

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PKCTTS 8/17/2013 11:50AM

    Keep it simple, make it redundant (nothing wrong with eating your favorite easy, healthy meals all the time) and more than anything, make sure there is only "the right stuff" in the kitchen. And, like someone else said, make enough that you can have lots of leftovers.

I have a list of foods that I keep in the pantry and frig - without any other planning, I can always put a healthy meal on the table within about 20 min.

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FLGIRL1234 8/16/2013 4:56PM

    I'm in the same boat. I so desperately would love to be able to actually COOK from the million and one cookbooks I have. I mean seriously, it becomes funny after awhile. I may have to follow your lead here.

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TKAYSMILES 8/16/2013 4:37PM

    You can do this Holly!! We are here to support you!!

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GEORGE815 8/15/2013 12:23PM

    You can do it. Stay with it!

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NUCLEARMUM 8/14/2013 5:58PM

    emoticon emoticon it is critical Holly...trainer told me it's 80% diet. I Believe it!

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ONEDAYATATIME14 8/14/2013 2:29PM

  emoticon

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DFOLKARD 8/14/2013 6:56AM

    Love the crockpot. Get it off the carpet and put it to use. LOL

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LRSILVER 8/14/2013 5:02AM

    Planning is the key.

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SUSANELAINE1956 8/13/2013 8:41PM

    The great thing about crock pot cooking is you come home to dinner and you have leftovers. That will help a lot. Hope it all works for you.

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GPHOENIX 8/13/2013 4:06PM

    I couldn't agree more with everything you have said. Meal planning is so challenging. The few times I have been successful with healthy eating have been when I made things on the weekend and reheated them during the week. Glad you are staying committed and continue to try, it will click. best of luck for a great week.

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MJRVIC2000 8/13/2013 4:00PM

    Remember that there is a BIG difference between making a DECISION and making a COMMITMENT! God Bless YOU! Vic.

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Getting It Back Together

Sunday, August 04, 2013

I should never, ever read or write anything when I'm stressed and overly emotional. Just saying... I meant everything I said in my last blog post. But when I look at it today, it feels a little pathetic and not exactly what I meant to express.

I'm frustrated with myself and my inability to keep anything going. But then, I've lost a couple of pounds in the past week, so maybe that little pity party was what I needed.

Regardless, I've been thinking and have an idea of where I'm heading. There were some good points in the comments I got. And I'm taking it all seriously. Liz's question about whether a lower pressure team would better help me meet my goals really made me think. And the fact is, it wouldn't. I would be more likely to skate by.

So, while I'm not positive on what I'm doing next, I know that I'm not going to squander the rest of this round of challenges. It's time to dig back in and find what works... and to start with it might be painstakingly forcing myself to get every point possible in those challenges just to keep that ball moving.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TWNOMWE 8/6/2013 3:43PM

    We are always hard on our selves but sticking with it is the best call you could have made.
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SIESHU 8/6/2013 1:05AM

    You've got some unique challenges with little ones that not everyone has, don't sell yourself short! I'm glad that you are feeling the fire so to speak, weight loss and healthification is such an emotional challenge! We're all here for you to lean on if you need it, to brag to when you want or vent to when it's too much. The good, the bad and the sometimes ridiculous! :)

CONGRATZ on the loss! :) emoticon

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX12 8/5/2013 6:22PM

    emoticon emoticon

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CARIOLA 8/5/2013 11:19AM

    Holly, good for you for deciding to not only stick it out but to take the challenge as an opportunity to see what you can do. If there's one thing I've learned in this round, it's that success breeds success: when I lose, it reinforces that I am NOT hopeless, and it makes me work harder to lose even more. Try to stay positive. We all have those little pity parties, but they usually result in falling back, and for me, yo-yoing with the same 2-3 pounds is what always made me feel like I just couldn't make any progress and might as well give up. Keep pushing. Really work on carving out some time for exercise every day--if not a large block, then maybe just 10 minutes 2-3 times/day. That has always been the toughest task for me, too (and I admit that I still don't like doing it!), but I've learned that when I work out, I not only lose more faster, but I also sleep better and have more energy during the day. Give it your best for these last few weeks and see what happens!

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YO~YOLANDA 8/5/2013 8:11AM

    Realization is half the battle! The Next Part is ACTION...and I KNOW you KNOW What to do...You have the Tools...All that is left is Prioritizing what is IMPORTANT and to Get at it! This is always the hard part in the Challenge...But I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!!! It takes CHANGE...and you have to be willing to Make CHANGE in order to See CHANGE...So Look at Yesterday and CHANGE Something...Just everyday TRY to do Better than Yesterday and you will get back on Track in no-Time! Baby-Steps...Always, Baby-Steps. Take it one choice at a time.

Find a way to Put FITNESS First and I find the Rest of the Day is usually SUCCESSFUL too! Every movement you get after that FIRST GOOD MORNING METABOLISM WAKE-UP...Is just Extra Calories INCINERATED!!!

Now go Burn Some Calories...Get Your Sweat on...Let those Magic Endorphin's take over your body, and GO Forth Refreshed and Ready to Take on the Day!!!

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LIZZYP609 8/5/2013 6:58AM

    emoticon That a girl! You can do this!!
I think you are doing better than you give yourself credit for! emoticon

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Future plans...

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Everywhere I look lately I'm seeing comments about team members not doing enough and not working hard enough. Yes, I'm guilty and fall into that category more often than I'd like to admit.

So, where do I go from here? A part of me wants to say forget it and either drop off the teams or go floater. Part of me wants to fight back. And a huge part of me just wants to give up.

No, I'm not looking for a million comments telling me why I should stay or what I need to do differently. I just need to say what I think without bringing down my teams or anything like that.

Maybe I need to be in a low pressure team where I'm not hurting anyone but me with the way my life is.

I dunno... isn't vacation supposed to be lower stress?

Ugh.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PKCTTS 8/5/2013 12:10PM

    Hey Holly - I'm reading this one late - because guess what, captains get really busy and behind on things too. LOL I'm happy to read this one after knowing that you already feel better about things.

You have it in you to succeed - you have done it before. Your current lifestyle isn't an easy one and you can't always measure yourself against those of us who don't have little ones at home (one with some special needs), while working full time and taking care of a husband who just had surgery.

Figure out what success looks like for you. Is it cooking at home at least 5 days a week, tracking nutrition at least 4 days a week, working out at least 100 min a week. It is important to feel some success-put some good goals together that you can make happen consistently. You can always add to it once it is routine.

Glad you are sticking it out with us.

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FITNHEALTHYKAL 8/5/2013 10:50AM

    Like Yo, I am reading BACKWARD, but going floater or disappearing is def NOT the direction to go (and I know that is not where you are going to go). Sometimes at the very beginning of a challenge (and not even a looooong one like BLC which is 12 weeks or three months), everything is all rosey (you've got those glasses on then right emoticon ) and you have high hopes, goals and plans and then week six comes around and it's like drudgery and the time when you might have already thought that THIS isn't the just right team for you has come and gone (that's like week 3 tops) so you start to consider just slinking off but this is the BLC and no one is going to allow THAT to happen because you are not a faceless nameless # here in the BLC. Nope, nope, nope. You MATTER. So while I don't want you thinking TOO much about letting your team down, I do want you to think about this as a relationship. And we do expect participation (not perfection). There is no *I* in team. It is work. AND, surprise, surprise, it is a CHALLENGE and no....just because it is summer does not mean vaca and break. You signed up during this time frame maybe because it IS summer and you have less on your plate and thought you could devote more time to YOU? I don't know your "WHY" but we all have one. So, with three weeks remaining, and having read your current blog, you can know that sign ups for the next round are coming soon and you can make your choice about a new round/team etc. THEN but right now you have a few weeks to reach down and pull up those big girl panties and see what you can accomplish. Head on over to your team chat and tell them where you are and how you are feeling and I guarantee that there is one or two or HALF the team feeling the exact same way. Been there done that! You CAN and you WILL finish the round with a feeling that you accomplished something! I'd love to hear about it! Come on over to Azure Destinations, kick off your mainland shoes and take a walk on the beach with me! emoticon emoticon

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YO~YOLANDA 8/5/2013 8:19AM

    I know i have read your latest Blog and you feel a bit differently than when you wrote this...but I must comment and say it is NEVER a good idea to go Floater or Quit your Team because you think you are letting them down...That is Never a good answer...That is Precisely when you NEED to Draw Closer to your TEAM...and ask for that Help that you need to get you through whatever hurdle is in your way...Your TEAM WANTS You to SUCCEED...and I am certain, they don't want to lose you.

Remember The BLC is not a one size Fits All...Please do not feel overwhelmed or Stressed out...That is counter-productive to what is trying to happen. Instead, just Jump in Right Where you are...and Communicate...Reach out...(Just as you did in this BLOG) and there WILL be Reinforcements...Guar-on-teed!!!>
We have just 3 weeks left...You CAN DO THIS!!! Push Through...It takes a Willingness and a Desire...You have that...You have the tools...No go forth and use them wisely. Put everything you know into practice...Go back the the basics...and Take is one Baby-step at a time...YOU GOT THIS!!!

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GEORGE815 8/4/2013 5:04PM

    Yes!

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LIZZYP609 8/1/2013 2:49PM

    When we as captains complain about the team not working hard enough it isn't because it is hurting the team as we so very much want everyone on our team to succeed!
I agree with Penny on this one. We take a lot of responsibility upon ourselves to make sure everyone on our team succeeds. It would be great to see our team's name in lights but ultimately we do not want YOU to give up on yourself!
I guess the question you ask yourself is would a low pressure team help you reach your goals? If that answer is yes then you need to move teams (we will be extremely sad though!) because that would be the best thing for YOU! emoticon

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX12 7/31/2013 12:37PM

    I can relate it is hard when you feel like you are not keeping up with the program. But the good news is this journey is about you and doing the best that you can do. Hang in there and no matter which teams you choose to be on enjoy the camaraderie and support. emoticon

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RUNNINGWILD 7/31/2013 12:21PM

    My opinion, if you want it, is to stop worrying about letting US down. As a captain of one of your teams, if you go MIA or gain weight or just have a bad week in general, *I* feel like I've let YOU down. But that's how my brain works.
What I'm saying is, do what's best for you and if it benefits your team , emoticon , if it doesn't, well we will get over it.

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