Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Just as a heads up... this post isn't going to be happy or hopeful or anything good. Honestly, I just need a place to get my feelings down. And while it's ok for people to read and comment, I won't be hurt if people don't either. And I'm going to be putting down everything, so if you don't want scary details, you may want to stop reading.
We lost our precious Peanut Monday morning. I went to bed thinking everything was ok. About 3:30 am, I woke up, thinking I needed to go to the bathroom. I took a couple of steps and got really irritated... I didn't need to go enough to be wetting my pants. Then I felt a gush and knew that something was terribly, terribly wrong. I knew somehow that I was going to see lots of blood when I got to the bathroom. But I still hoped that maybe things would be ok, because that's what you do. I knew that I would be heading to the hospital, hoping against hope that there would be some chance. What I didn't expect was to find the baby hanging there. It went that fast. No pain, no cramping... just a gush and all the hopes we had for that precious baby were gone.
Mom came to stay with the girls, who had woken up with all the commotion and had to be told. Our sweet Alicia just cried and cried and then tried to comfort us. My Sami started sobbing for about 2 minutes. Then she smiled big up at her daddy and said "You're just teasing me." Oh, how I wish that we could have been such cruel people to have made a joke like that. I hated having to kill that little spark of hope in her eyes. She was going to be such an amazing big sister.
Mom only lives a few minutes away, so we headed out to the hospital quickly. And then the crazy bleeding started. I don't even want to think what kind of war zone our car looked like. The ER got me into a room right away... and everything went from horrible to terrifying. I was losing so much blood, so quickly, that they started IVs right away that they could use for a blood transfusion. When the doctor came into the room, you could see that he was concerned. Right away, he told me that it looked like I'd probably be heading to the OR and quite possible would need a transfusion. I'd already had one huge dizzy spell since I'd gotten there. I met the OB on call - mine is on vacation until Monday. He was great. I have no complaints about him at all. And they had ultrasound in the room quickly, too. They ordered blood for a transfusion and called the OR to do the D&C. And then my blood pressure dropped so low - like 70/35ish. I could feel that I was close to losing consciousness... it was that tunnel feeling where everything starts turning kind of white static and everyone sounds far away. I never actually went out and they opened the IV as fast as they could. And got the transfusion going as fast as possible. We got to the ER about 4:30 and I was in surgery before 6. I was so scared on the way there and was they were getting everything ready that I wasn't going to wake up. All I could think was my poor family loosing both the baby and their mama/wife in one morning.
Obviously, I made it through fine and when I woke up, physically I was fine. The emotional... well, right now, I'm not sure I'll ever be ok, but I know that we'll make it through somehow.
We don't know a reason. I don't know if they were doing testing or anything. I think Peanut was a boy, but I'm not sure. He was still so tiny. Honestly, everyone was concerned about me that we never came back to Peanut. I guess those are questions for my OB on Monday. All I know is that by looking at that baby, there was no reason to think there was anything wrong. I don't know if I'll ever be able to close my eyes without picturing holding that precious little body. I remember holding him in one hand and covering him with the other on the way to the hospital, almost as if I was trying to protect him. I so wanted this baby. I never expected another one, but I so wanted the chance to be a mama again.
And I don't know what else to write. I believe that in heaven, there are 4 precious little ones playing together. Well, Peanut is probably watching... he's awful tiny. But I like to think that his brothers/sisters that also didn't make it are looking out for him. And I believe that someday, I'll get to meet them and my family will grow quite quickly. But in the meantime, there are 4 precious baby shaped holes in my heart. And one is still bleeding like crazy. And I'm not sure I can handle any more holes...
Sunday, November 03, 2013
Has it really been almost 3 months since I posted on here? Wow! Time flies, I guess.
I'm laughing at myself a little, reading the last few posts I wrote. In July and August, I'd probably have cried and thrown in the towel if I'd known that in November I'd only be able to claim a 5 pound loss in 3 months. But ya know what, I'm amazed by it and telling myself to be careful instead. That seemingly small loss means that I'm taking care of myself and not letting all those crazy cravings get out of control. It means that I'm eating healthy and even though I'm not getting the exercise I'd like to, I'm doing ok. And I know that the weight loss won't continue for much longer.
Pregnancy isn't the time to worrying about the weight, but it is an excellent time to get myself on track with good eating habits.
Oh! Did I forget to mention that little detail? Yeah, I'm 11 weeks pregnant! Peanut is due to arrive in mid-to-late May. We didn't expect it, but we're all thrilled!! So far, everything looks healthy and happy and good!
So, assuming that I remember to keep up with this, you won't hear much about weight loss or great new exercise plans (lots of walking and stuff like that). But, you may see a lot about trying to strengthen good habits and figure out good routines that will work with another little one in the picture. I know it won't be easy, but it's a good kind of difficult, ya know?
Oh! And if you're my friend on Facebook, you didn't miss an announcement... We aren't telling there until after Thanksgiving (15 weeks).
Sunday, August 04, 2013
I should never, ever read or write anything when I'm stressed and overly emotional. Just saying... I meant everything I said in my last blog post. But when I look at it today, it feels a little pathetic and not exactly what I meant to express.
I'm frustrated with myself and my inability to keep anything going. But then, I've lost a couple of pounds in the past week, so maybe that little pity party was what I needed.
Regardless, I've been thinking and have an idea of where I'm heading. There were some good points in the comments I got. And I'm taking it all seriously. Liz's question about whether a lower pressure team would better help me meet my goals really made me think. And the fact is, it wouldn't. I would be more likely to skate by.
So, while I'm not positive on what I'm doing next, I know that I'm not going to squander the rest of this round of challenges. It's time to dig back in and find what works... and to start with it might be painstakingly forcing myself to get every point possible in those challenges just to keep that ball moving.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Everywhere I look lately I'm seeing comments about team members not doing enough and not working hard enough. Yes, I'm guilty and fall into that category more often than I'd like to admit.
So, where do I go from here? A part of me wants to say forget it and either drop off the teams or go floater. Part of me wants to fight back. And a huge part of me just wants to give up.
No, I'm not looking for a million comments telling me why I should stay or what I need to do differently. I just need to say what I think without bringing down my teams or anything like that.
Maybe I need to be in a low pressure team where I'm not hurting anyone but me with the way my life is.
I dunno... isn't vacation supposed to be lower stress?
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