Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Goals are always tricky. And how do I measure success? If I say that my goal is to stop drinking pop for 12 weeks and I go 10 weeks perfectly and then have a sip, does that make me a failure? I don't think so, but technically, I didn't meet the goal. I guess that if I can be successful 80% of the time, I'll be ok with it.
Honestly, right now, my goals seem so basic and so beginner that I hardly can stand to put them down. I should be past all this. But the last several months have been about surviving. Just making it from one day to the next. With all we've gone through with my grandfather, my mom's health scare, my cousin, the baby and most recently Wayne's surgery and drama, sometimes it's more than I have in me just to get to the end of the day. And my habits have shown that.
Over the next 12 weeks, this is what I plan to accomplish. Remember, the goals seem small, but this is where I'm at.
1) No fast food. Obviously, there may be an exception to this while we're on one of the trips we're planning, but that's an exception and far from the rule. How will I get there?
*Plan and pack lunches for work.
*Take those planned and packed lunches to work. Far too often I leave that lunch in the fridge at home.
*Plan out dinners ahead of time.
*Be sure that I have all necessary groceries.
*Use that crockpot!
2) No pop! Good grief! I feel better when I don't drink it. My stomach likes me more when I don't drink it. So why do I keep fighting this battle? I don't know either. To get there:
*Don't buy it! Sounds simple, right? Until I'm sitting at work with nothing to drink. And our library water is gross. Solution?
*When I'm packing that nutritious lunch, fill my water bottles. Simple!
*I MIGHT try putting slices of fruit in my water. Sometimes it's ok. But sometimes it just tastes weird and makes me not want to drink anything. It just depends on the day.
3) Increase my cardio. I haven't done much cardio over the past month. Take your pick of reasons: messed up my foot at the end of Spring Break and it's just now starting to feel like normal. OR I've spent half this month sitting in hospital waiting rooms or patient rooms with my husband. OR after sitting in those rooms and making the 2 hour round trip drive and then taking care of two little girls, and trying to work, I've been entirely too tired to care. Whichever reason you pick, it hasn't been pretty. And we can't forget the fact that I'm basically lazy. So, how do I fix this?
*Minimum of 20 minutes a day, 5 days a week for 2 weeks.
*Try something new? I have several unopened cardio DVDs at home, plus a whole library system at my disposal. It shouldn't be hard to find something.
*Get the girls involved with walks around the neighborhood. Although that might not really be cardio since a 3 year old is easily distracted and the walk will probably take a long time. But it's still a good thing.
*Get up with my alarm instead of snoozing it for an hour. Imagine!
*After those first 2 weeks, increase each week.
Ok, there's a start. The 12 weeks will end right at the end of Summer Reading at work and right before my vacation. If I'm successful... I'll treat myself to:
1 successful goal: manicure
2 successful goals: mani & pedi
3 successful goals: mani, pedi, and a cute new top!
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Just as a heads up... this post isn't going to be happy or hopeful or anything good. Honestly, I just need a place to get my feelings down. And while it's ok for people to read and comment, I won't be hurt if people don't either. And I'm going to be putting down everything, so if you don't want scary details, you may want to stop reading.
We lost our precious Peanut Monday morning. I went to bed thinking everything was ok. About 3:30 am, I woke up, thinking I needed to go to the bathroom. I took a couple of steps and got really irritated... I didn't need to go enough to be wetting my pants. Then I felt a gush and knew that something was terribly, terribly wrong. I knew somehow that I was going to see lots of blood when I got to the bathroom. But I still hoped that maybe things would be ok, because that's what you do. I knew that I would be heading to the hospital, hoping against hope that there would be some chance. What I didn't expect was to find the baby hanging there. It went that fast. No pain, no cramping... just a gush and all the hopes we had for that precious baby were gone.
Mom came to stay with the girls, who had woken up with all the commotion and had to be told. Our sweet Alicia just cried and cried and then tried to comfort us. My Sami started sobbing for about 2 minutes. Then she smiled big up at her daddy and said "You're just teasing me." Oh, how I wish that we could have been such cruel people to have made a joke like that. I hated having to kill that little spark of hope in her eyes. She was going to be such an amazing big sister.
Mom only lives a few minutes away, so we headed out to the hospital quickly. And then the crazy bleeding started. I don't even want to think what kind of war zone our car looked like. The ER got me into a room right away... and everything went from horrible to terrifying. I was losing so much blood, so quickly, that they started IVs right away that they could use for a blood transfusion. When the doctor came into the room, you could see that he was concerned. Right away, he told me that it looked like I'd probably be heading to the OR and quite possible would need a transfusion. I'd already had one huge dizzy spell since I'd gotten there. I met the OB on call - mine is on vacation until Monday. He was great. I have no complaints about him at all. And they had ultrasound in the room quickly, too. They ordered blood for a transfusion and called the OR to do the D&C. And then my blood pressure dropped so low - like 70/35ish. I could feel that I was close to losing consciousness... it was that tunnel feeling where everything starts turning kind of white static and everyone sounds far away. I never actually went out and they opened the IV as fast as they could. And got the transfusion going as fast as possible. We got to the ER about 4:30 and I was in surgery before 6. I was so scared on the way there and was they were getting everything ready that I wasn't going to wake up. All I could think was my poor family loosing both the baby and their mama/wife in one morning.
Obviously, I made it through fine and when I woke up, physically I was fine. The emotional... well, right now, I'm not sure I'll ever be ok, but I know that we'll make it through somehow.
We don't know a reason. I don't know if they were doing testing or anything. I think Peanut was a boy, but I'm not sure. He was still so tiny. Honestly, everyone was concerned about me that we never came back to Peanut. I guess those are questions for my OB on Monday. All I know is that by looking at that baby, there was no reason to think there was anything wrong. I don't know if I'll ever be able to close my eyes without picturing holding that precious little body. I remember holding him in one hand and covering him with the other on the way to the hospital, almost as if I was trying to protect him. I so wanted this baby. I never expected another one, but I so wanted the chance to be a mama again.
And I don't know what else to write. I believe that in heaven, there are 4 precious little ones playing together. Well, Peanut is probably watching... he's awful tiny. But I like to think that his brothers/sisters that also didn't make it are looking out for him. And I believe that someday, I'll get to meet them and my family will grow quite quickly. But in the meantime, there are 4 precious baby shaped holes in my heart. And one is still bleeding like crazy. And I'm not sure I can handle any more holes...
Sunday, November 03, 2013
Has it really been almost 3 months since I posted on here? Wow! Time flies, I guess.
I'm laughing at myself a little, reading the last few posts I wrote. In July and August, I'd probably have cried and thrown in the towel if I'd known that in November I'd only be able to claim a 5 pound loss in 3 months. But ya know what, I'm amazed by it and telling myself to be careful instead. That seemingly small loss means that I'm taking care of myself and not letting all those crazy cravings get out of control. It means that I'm eating healthy and even though I'm not getting the exercise I'd like to, I'm doing ok. And I know that the weight loss won't continue for much longer.
Pregnancy isn't the time to worrying about the weight, but it is an excellent time to get myself on track with good eating habits.
Oh! Did I forget to mention that little detail? Yeah, I'm 11 weeks pregnant! Peanut is due to arrive in mid-to-late May. We didn't expect it, but we're all thrilled!! So far, everything looks healthy and happy and good!
So, assuming that I remember to keep up with this, you won't hear much about weight loss or great new exercise plans (lots of walking and stuff like that). But, you may see a lot about trying to strengthen good habits and figure out good routines that will work with another little one in the picture. I know it won't be easy, but it's a good kind of difficult, ya know?
Oh! And if you're my friend on Facebook, you didn't miss an announcement... We aren't telling there until after Thanksgiving (15 weeks).
Sunday, August 04, 2013
I should never, ever read or write anything when I'm stressed and overly emotional. Just saying... I meant everything I said in my last blog post. But when I look at it today, it feels a little pathetic and not exactly what I meant to express.
I'm frustrated with myself and my inability to keep anything going. But then, I've lost a couple of pounds in the past week, so maybe that little pity party was what I needed.
Regardless, I've been thinking and have an idea of where I'm heading. There were some good points in the comments I got. And I'm taking it all seriously. Liz's question about whether a lower pressure team would better help me meet my goals really made me think. And the fact is, it wouldn't. I would be more likely to skate by.
So, while I'm not positive on what I'm doing next, I know that I'm not going to squander the rest of this round of challenges. It's time to dig back in and find what works... and to start with it might be painstakingly forcing myself to get every point possible in those challenges just to keep that ball moving.
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