Friday, June 15, 2012
I was totally engulfed in my couch when I realized what time it was. My youngest was in the other room playing with his daughter who is close in age so I looked at him and said "would you tell the girls it's bed time"
He looked at me and tilted his head to one side, his brown eyes gazing at me.
"just tell them to go to bed" and he left the room. I was content, happy, and found his father like demeanor with the girls rather sexy. I looked down at my toned, olive colored skin and remember thinking how white looked awesome on it.
then I woke up.
I have adored Johnny Depp since before he was a Pirate. I have liked him since way back on "21 Jump Street" and his debut on "Nightmare on Elm Street".
Let's just say he's my fifth member of Duran Duran
I lay there in bed a moment, all the weight of my body crashing back to reality. I took a look at my arms...maybe they would be toned and olive complexed? I sighed as I saw the familiar jiggle of white dotted with a calico of freckles even down to the finger tips. My nails chewed and scraggly, my ring appearing to be cutting off the circulation of a pudgy stout finger.
I slithered out of bed towards the bathroom to complete my morning routine: pee, weight (175), and avoid the mirror like the vampiress I can be before my morning cup of java.
Standing in the kitchen, head on the cabinet, waiting for my first cup to finish brewing (a task that any coffee drinker knows is the longest part of the day) and I think
"aren't good dreams supposed to make one feel GOOD?!"
I closed my eyes and for a fleeting moment saw myself standing there. Tall, slender, long black hair, olive complexion, maybe I have an accent, my white dress flowing about me....sighs Everything I could never be short of switching ethnicity with somebody.
I open them. Coffee just starting to brew.
What was I going to do today? Summer's arrived and the weather's going to break over 100 this week. I looked up long enough to get a good look at my kitchen and for the first time that morning, formed a smile. It is pink. Even now when I should be getting tired of the color, it still makes me smile. I only wish I could carry it to the next house.
I sit down at the computer with my coffee and two creamers and think "what to do what to do". I can't go back to the gym after last week's fart fiasco! I shake my head to clear the thought. I AM that woman. The woman with the wild hair tucked in a ponytail, colored weekly to diffuse it. The jiggly, calico, middle aged, mirror avoiding, gym tootin woman in her pink kitchen sipping her morning coffee wishing she were someone else. Anyone else.
I glance through Spark blogs and smile a little. Plans, goals, fears, frustrations. Everyone pushing forward and towards something. I look at the time. I could've been done with a morning routine....I still can. It's just an hour, or even a half, or as a very good Sparkie friend said "ten minutes a day....just MOVE"
I look at the workout DVDs. Not today...too hot
a walk? a run?
No way Jose
No bathing suit
then get to the gym and move!!
Are you nuts?? My body BETRAYED me while running on the treadmill! I know the whole state of California heard it, I just KNOW it and they've all labeled me I feel it. It was bad enough being banned from the dumbbells by fear, but now?? are you NUTS?!
You are right. Just sit there, in your pink kitchen dreaming another dream that will never happen as long as you do nothing about it. Wait, wait for nothing except to go to bed for another dream. That will solve all your problems. Stay comfortable why don't you? Avoidance is key in this now isn't it?
that's what I thought. Your workout clothes are on the dryer. Now, what are we doing today?
I bet Jillian is a lot nicer than you. I'm taking the girls swimming at the gym. I'm going to run on the treadmill, but if anything happens.....I'll just die I know it.
If anything happens you can come back and dye your hair again. Hair color is on the kitchen counter...they'll never recognize you. Just like they will never recognize you in your absolutely gorgeous dress. Are you going to let your daughter keep it, or are you going to fight for it?
I guess I'm going.
I pick up the clothes off the dryer and my mind tries to clear itself from the fog and confetti cluttering it.
I am doing this for me. I won't be that girl in the dream, but I can be a dream girl.
A girl with muscle, tonnage, and definition. A girl running with shorts that finally don't ride and running for fun, not just cuz she has to. Someone who faces her own silly childhood fears of the gym and encourages others there. A girl who colors her hair for fun and wears sexy dresses and heals because she can. A half blind, partially deaf, middle aged girl with fair skin covered in calico freckles down to her fingertips,
that could be sexy, right?
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
I have this prechallenge thing to do before we begin our Summer 5% challenge and I thought this question was so intriquing, I'd post it. Here goes:
"For the purpose of this assignment a Trigger Food is defined as the one that gets you off course for the next hour and you are not eating because you are truly hungry. A Trigger Situation is where you are, who you are with and what you are doing when this happens. Example Ė you are home alone had a cookie, then another and next you are looting the kitchen for anything that looks good. Or you had good intentions about going out for dinner with a friend, but a high calorie appetizer and then a big dessert also landed in front of you. An hour later you regret that little binge and donít even want to think how many calories you just consumed! You tell yourself, I know better, why did I do? I wonít do that again!
Let's assess the Triggers -
List ALL your trigger foods. Is it a snack food or part of a meal? Are they sweet or salty? Hot, cold or room temperature? Carbs, comfort foods?
What are the sources of the Triggers Foods? Is it a fast food restaurant? Drive thru? Food you order in? Grocery store? Convenience store? Meals at family or friends? Co-workers birthday cake? Treats from others?
Describe the most common situations where you reach for the trigger foods or snacks. What room are you in, what time is it, what are you doing, who is with you, and how do you feel? Are you tired? Are you eating to feel better? Are you rewarding yourself? Soothing yourself? Are you bored? By getting the food how does it make what you are doing better? What should you be doing at that time?
Do you see a pattern? What types of foods are you reaching for? Does convenient access make a difference? How can you better handle the situations to avoid the triggers and not binge or eat more than you should.
That is what this assignment is about - how will you not do that again? Can you pick a replacement habit or behavior that will cause you to pause to think do I really want to do this, and why? Maybe it would help to walk away from the trigger - drink water, go for a walk, phone a friend, go outside, look out the window, brush your teeth, or play with your pet? Be consistent so you can develop the new habit.
Write out your strategy to avoid the Triggers. Maybe itís baby steps to get you started or moderation. Donít be a perfectionist. Consider most of the time you will get it right.
I am going to do a couple of things - 1) record it in Spark Nutrition before I eat it and if I still want it after I see the calories, I will still eat it, but I will be mindful of what I am doing. 2) walk the dog for a walk around the block.
What did you learn from doing this assignment? Anything else to add?"
Many of you may already know my trigger. I joke about it sometimes, but truth is it's Brownies and/or chocolate frosting.
The thing I have noticed though is there's no real "trigger" on WHY. If it's in front of me I will eat it. However, there's NO portion control....actually there's NO control. It's mine....allllll mine. No regrets til weigh in day.
Other triggers that are almost as bad are eewwy gooey warm homemade chocolate chip cookies, lots of cheddar mashed potatoes, and regular Ruffles potato chips. All these sweet, salty, savory things I just love the texture, the warmth the flavors and go NUTS!!!!
So, what can I do? Not much....other than to completely avoid them altogether. I've tried the moderation at parties....forget it...I have a plate of Ruffles with no shame and the funny thing is...it will be piled on top of my huge plate of carrots, celery, broccoli, tomatoes piled high with Ruffles....sighs....
Speaking of foods I have been doing more or less a plant based diet for over the past two weeks now. It's weird as it's the first thing I've been able to consistently stick with and guess what? My blood pressure is now been pretty steady at 120s/90s.....waaaaay better than the 150s/100s we were concered with!! I'm going to check in with my Dr tomorrow and see what she says. I've been watching it slowly go down...the weekend of camping was a nice steady 130s...almost better than watching the scale drop...almost.
So, I just may stick with this one. I don't even miss bacon. at ALL...I'm not going totally vegan or vegetarian (I don't think) so if I feel like eating something I will...I just strangely enough haven't felt like it.
I found red quinoa over the weekend. Going to make it tomorrow morning with some almond milk, berries, and pecans for breakfast. I will let you know how it is.
so my dress came. It looks GREAT on my daughters the turd birds! LOL My middle one wore it for her school's graduation. I attempted to try it on (as you can imagine I was pretty discouraged when it fit my girls) and although it was slightly tight in the waist the biggest goals are going to be the chest area. feels like a good 4-5"....yipes!!!
I shall prevail!!!
Then I shall HAVE to buy shoes!
alrightie....other than that....we are on an official house hunt now. Sounds like we go tthe okay for financing (finally!!!)
Now if we could just agree on what we all want :p
Going to head to bed in a bit....gots a Shape it Up to do tomorrow...wait, no oh fudge, how did I lose track already?
p.s. What's YOUR trigger foods and why?
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
Woke up to a happy scale day!
did my "dirty" Firm it Up moves yesterday and will be trying "Tone it Up" today. I like that there is a new video in this series every day. That means for the next 4 weeks I will only do these videos 4x each. I like that...I like the variety.
Okay, here's the deal. As many of you know I'm in school. It originally was to keep my oldest focused and to show her that there are no excuses. I'd like to think it worked pretty well as she hsa gotten her AA with honors and is transferring to San Francisco to obtain her BA.
Of course, I'm hooked on school.
For those of you who aren't aware I'm also known as "blind batty" for a reason. I am deaf (with aids) and at one time had 20/600 vision (basically, I couldn't see at all) I've since gotten stem cell and cataract removal and my vision is up to 20/50 with some perifpheal but not a lot. What I do see in the middle (cone) area is enough to drive.....well, at least California DMV thinks so!
I was originally going for Deaf Studies. One it seems appropriate and I wanted to maybe advance to Speech Therapy. I adore the days as a child living here in Cali where they helped my speech so much that many don't realize I am hard of hearing. A total contrast to my baby brother who never obtained speech therapy in Washington and it shows. I also felt it wsa important to know sign, like it was a part of "my heritage" or something. crazy, but there you have it.
That was my original plan....only Sierra really stinks when it comes to ever getting into Deaf Studies classes. I can't seem to, after 3 semesters, get into ASL 2. Not to mention the classes that are at night in Roseville (Yes, I realize that I walk and live in the dark most of my adult life, but driving at night is still risky....the OTHER drivers stink LOL....joking......sort of)
So, I said 'screw it" and decided since nothing was going to come of it I would change my major to something I've always wanted to do when I was 18 and never did....through many excuses, marriage, money, moving, then kids, life etc. I switched my major to nursing. I figured "hey, Cali let me drive, why not be a nurse too?"
I haven't told anyone I switched my major. But, now I'm second guessing myself again. The biggest obstacle in my way are not the lack of classes but MY lack of classes....In order to take Microbioogy I had to have had Chemestry (I haven't) In order to take chem I had to have had....do you see where this is heading? and If I'm looking at the later classes, I'm going to me putting in long days..something hubby's not going to be thrilled with I don't think. he still grumbles about the school thing a little.
Mind you, I don't mind....I know it will just take me 3x as long....as things always do with a blind/deaf chick. I thought, once I'm done getting this I could be a little ol' medical asstant or something...you know those people that take your blood pressure and check you in to Hell Managed Organizations or something? Nothing to where your life would depend on it. LOL
but, here's where I'm second guessing myself....should I put myself through all that "just" to get a degree? Or should I stick with something like "womens studies" or "nutrition" and get my degree? It seems that in any degree I pick I am 85% done with classes.....just 15% more to obtain an AA. In anything.
What are your thoughts on this? and be honest....I could use some "hey, what are you thinking?!" or "pssst, go for it" blatent answers.
Tell me what to be when I grow'd up!!!!
Oh, and remember i"m 40something so not sure if I'm "too old" to be looking at new opportunities??
Monday, June 04, 2012
Mod Cloth is one of those sites that if you see something you like, you almost have to buy it right away or it "sells out". My dress had been sitting in my checkout box for a bit when I got the email "buy it or else". I looked at it again....do I really want this? Oh yes.....I do. So I bought it and it automatically went to "sold out".
I bought a large which in a sense is a size 12. I'm a 14-16. It's a reasonable goal I think!
It should be here Thursday and I'm sooooooooo excited to see it, touch it, and work towards wearing it.
Speaking of wearing it: Today I began my Slim Series (again). Today was Shape It Up. It's a 78 minute video (yes, that is the correct number) and this one contains a lot of weights which I LOVE!! The first 35 minutes were warm up and intense cardio...so intense that I got dizzy and naseaus and I could feel my heart rate beating out of my chest WITHOUT a HRM. So, I stopped for a bit. Then I was mad at myself for stopping when I went back because the rest of the video was on the floor and although she still worked your tail off, it was much more "relaxing". LOL Ah well, all 78 minutes done. Tonight I will do the Hip Hop Abs (20ish minutes)...correction, I will ATTEMPT to do it...I still feel like a blubber slug trying to do "the moves" but I know it will get better. Then again, it's been 3 years and I still can't do lunges without tipping over so whta does that say?
Hey, does anyone else have major head itch when they sweat? Man, that drives me bonkers...I mean, I know I'm allergic to heat, my sweat and pressure, but dang, it's obnoxious.
Our Memorial Weekend was WONDERFUL!!
We went to the little town of Ft Bragg/Mendocino. I went with the sole purpose of looking for the "Murder She Wrote" house. I was a huge fan of the show in the 80s and I just love Angela Lansbury. I wanted to actually rent her room for our anniversary but hubby dislikes B&Bs. He did however, drive me to the house :o)
hope the pic turned out okay, I don't like that you can't see it until you post your blog **pouts**
Anyhow...I did get in some great exercise. We talked to some locals and they informed us of some "hidden" beaches and we hiked and hiked and hiked....so much that I sunburnt the bottoms of my feet again.
then I was done walking.....for about a week.
until today actually. LOL
but it was very pretty and worth it. I just should know better (remember the "Im allergic to heat, sweat, and pressure" comment?) yeah, doi!! Needless to say, I will remember water shoes or something next time.
The town was so beautiful....so beautiful. I told hubs we are retiring there and not going back to Washington. He was all for it until we looked at the cost of real estate.
I need to save now.....
until about 2112?
and our campsite had a creek running through it....this was the view after another quick walk:
I don't know how I got the camera to do that. Yoovie would be so proud! LOL There are a ton more pictures (as you could imagine) but there's not enough room on this blog :o)
well, I was supposed to voluneer to serve ice cream today at the school. I should email the teacher and apologize for not making it...(was in the shower, wasn't the blog LOL)
tomorrow is Firm It Up. I've done it once before. Could move for 3 days after and I'm totally looking forward to it!!
Burn Baby Burn!!
Declare war on the Mutant Ninja Resistant Fat Cells!!!
More calories out less calories in!!
GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!!
I am my own cheerleader.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
My daughter and i were watching the first episodes of The Biggest Loser. The very first one and we were giggling over the different changes that occurred over the seasons. We had only just begun watching the Biggest Loser a few seasons ago so these are all new to us. We wondered if Bob and Jillian knew how "big" (no pun intended) they were about to become. We giggled at the mattresses in the contestants rooms and marveled how they now have temperpedics. Then we held our sides as we laughed that product placement was in fact, still there from the get go and gawked as Allie was in fact Caroline. If this is all Greek to you,that's okay, it was to us too. They were all such subtle, yet noticeable changes.
"it's time to cut the fat" Caroline Rhea Biggest Loser Season 1
The point is, as the days start to blur together we tend to forget why we started or even where we came from. Time is so irrelevant to what we are doing and yet we are constantly using it against ourselves. How many times do we say "ugh, I didn't lose any weight this week"? We tend to forget that our bodies have adapted to what WE created for it and therefore we need to give it time to adapt to our new lifestyles. Along the way, we can look back and laugh at the small changes that created such a great journey.
Changes such as: Remember that clothing mishap last week? My hubby went out and bought me new shorts. Yeay right? After watching the Biggest Loser my daughter and I feel inspired to work out. Let's go do this "again" we say! (and again is good as long as you keep doing again, right? right.) I pull my hair up into a ponytail and out the door we go.
I begin walking and get no more than halfway up the block when I ask her: "silly question, but are my shorts riding up my Yahoo?" to which she replied
"I'm not looking at your Yahoo"
So, I look and sure enough there are my brand new shorts every time I walk a few feet riding up in between my legs. Really? Really?
I then begin the process of horseback walking. You know the one, where you walk with your legs way out and your thighs don't mush together like you just finished horseback riding for several hours. (or in my case, the spin cycle at the gym)
I think I'm going to have to invest in some bike shorts though or something. My clothes just don't want to cooperate with me. It's no wonder I never want to leave my sweats and tee shirts. They may sag and look terribly tacky, but at least I know they're gonna stay put!!
Tell THAT to "What not to Wear".
OH.....gosh I got waaaaay off track today. All I wanted to say was I finished Week 2 of C25 finally. Really, that was the whole purpose of this blog, to get on here and hold myself accountable for finishing that doohickey and moving on to week 3 and something about cookies or...
I have been feeling mucho better. All my blood work came back and says since I've lost 20 pounds my blood sugar dropped. woo hoo!! So, just gotta watch the HB pressure. Which I have been, I think doing really well on watching what I eat. and LOTS of water.
and a cup of coffee a day.
I'm weak, sue me. (don't......really..... I have no money)
Did I mention I finished Week 2 of C25?
I'm going to go finish up my daily duties now and plan for our weekend camping trip at the ocean. I'm so excited! Hubby even promised me he would take me to see the "Murder She Wrote" house. Squeeeeeeeeeee!!
So, for anyone who happens to be peeking at my page. Remember, take it easy on yourself mentally during this phase. Changes occur over time and our brain doesn't want to recognize that until the time has passed. Make it fun. Make it something you want to do the rest of your life. Make it yours and have a great weekend.
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