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Sherbet apartment with pics

Monday, December 19, 2011

My fi'excee came over last week and asked/told me that he wanted to work things out. He did not want to lose me and things would change. I did what any normal irrational soul would do. I ran to the courthouse and filed the papers.

It's not that there isn't love there. After a quarter of a century love was never the issue. He wasn't happy with me that day and it was extremely stressful. I would have never gotten through the day without Cutiepie actually as she kept me "company" even via text while I was going through this. I can never thank her enough.

Strange we seem to get along better for the most part now. I think he's really trying to quit drinking and his personality seems to reflect it. We talk a lot and it's nice, but like I told him. After so many years I just feel like we are more friends than a couple. For sure there is a lot more than one could put their fingers on to "fix". I think Tina Turner sang it best "it's time for letting goooooo"

Everyone but one person has done fabulously at avoiding sides. And what I mean by that is pretty self explanatory. It's one thing to support a person or another, and even occasionally do a bit of name calling (goodness knows I have!) but there is ONE person that I will leave nameless (his m*m) whom after 25 years does nothing but bash! It's awful and I don't mean just for me. I do feel bad for t as sometimes he just wants someone to listen. "hey had the girls over for dinner...." "including her?? WHY?!" I realize it's probably the I dunno, protective gene or whatever...but really. Just be there for him lady and quit making him feel crappier than he does! Gah...

OH! so, I've been thinking of my New Year's resolution already. Another friend of mine made a wonderful suggestion of "finding me" this year...and I thought. "I wanna run" I really do. I've missed it and slacked off so this is the perfect time to start it. My resolution will be one run a month ... there is a color run in July that I would LOVE to do! You wear a white t-shirt and every 1K "they" throw color on you...LOL I can't WAIT for that one. Depending on when my BIL gets married I will either do the July 8 in Seattle or July 28 in San Fran. I probably will be going to San Fran...which is okay cept I'm doing the Bay to Breakers in May there. LOL

So hopefully by next week I will have the year of runs planned out on here. Exciting huh? LOL

For my exercise today i did cleaning and painting. Really...a lot. I will show you! I owe ya pics of my place anyhows...ready?

As you all know I found the $7 gallon of pink paint for our kitchen. I went back to Wal Mart to get two gallons of a nice neutral beige that would be oh so pretty to compliment the pink.

I ended up with....

I call it peach. My oldest and youngest call it orange. so our apartment is now a Sherbet and probably guaranteed to scare away anything containing testosterone.

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ehem

ANYHOOOOOSIT

when you first walk in the door this is what you see:



I love the color myself...all bright and cheery as opposed to the dull grey/white that surrounded us before. As you go down the hall you will see the laundry on left, bath on right and three bedrooms. There is a little nook to the bedrooms that I keep my curio cabinet and Ms. Kate decided this would be cute to do in pink too....so we did.



Back at the front door...look to the left and you will be in the dining/kitchen area.

As you can see our dining area contains NO dining table. Only a piano, computer station, the lovely whiteboard (my favorite piece! LOL) Someday it will contain a cute table ... maybe.



My kitchen was in the process of being cleaned...so excuse the mess...



back at the front door we look right...this is my living room... My favorite piece here is the book shelf that I can't wait to add to!! (blurry pic)



and above my hot pink slipcovered loveseat are some pretty cool girlie pics...we haven't finished paining the living room yet (haven't started) so that's why the color isn't right. It will be cute with the peach I hope.



Well, that's it so far...that is our place. totally girlie and not ever anything I would have been in before as a married gal. LOL Next will be pink hair !! Like the esurance gal!! why? because I can, duh? LOL

Girls are on break (sortof) from school but not their activities. I get to sleep in at least! ceeeept, i think I will use the time to try out the treadmill in my pjs tomorrow! woo hoo! I'll let you know how that goes. Gots to start my training!!!



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SOKKERNUT 12/21/2011 10:30AM

    Love the color, great pictures! Good Luck with picking up your running again. emoticon

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KINSBAILE 12/20/2011 12:48PM

    I love those comics pics. Where did you get them??

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DIANEDOESSMILES 12/20/2011 10:52AM

    OH WOW I LOVING IT !! PINK is one of my FAVORITE COLORS !! And my land lord will NOT let me paint UNLESS 1) I pay THEM 600.00 to REPAINT it when I move out and if I do not repaint it back (if I do ,,I get it back,,,since I am highly disabled,,,chances are I WILL NOT repaint it back !) 2) hire a PROFESSIONAL painter ! So this to paint my place will cost me almost 1,000 !! GRRR CREEPS !!!!!! They do NOT want these places PAINTED ! I SHOULD DO IT OUT OF SPITE !! But, that's A LOT OF $$ To waste !!!!!

I am SO PROUD OF what it is ur doing !! YOU GO !! And the girls also, this is ONE Place they will CHERISH AND LOVE !! OH HOW I WISH I COULD DO THIS !! OH YEAH !! I'd actually do one room in NEON GREEN ! LOLOL another fav color ! Landlord ALSO said ONLY PALE BORING colors. I am FRENCH,, we LOVE OUR BOLD COLORS !! SHEESHE LOUISE,,, do THEY NOT UNDAH STAND US???????

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CHOCOHOLIC2276 12/20/2011 6:41AM

    Love the attitude!! Next year will be wonderful!! emoticon

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BRATS4 12/19/2011 8:20PM

    so happy things are going better for you.just keep hanging in there.you and the girls will do super

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ENDUROVET 12/19/2011 4:30PM

    & now I'm feeling unbelievably guilty bcz I found out fairly recently that Ex has put his mom in a nursing home; I haven't been to see her yet...
(if sides had to be taken she was unmistakably on mine ;-)
I'm not a pinkie girl but like what you've done to your new place...

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KIM_POSSIBLE77 12/19/2011 3:02PM

    You know that I am ALWAYS here for you honey. I'm SO glad that I was able to keep you company as you know if I was there I would have been sitting right next to you making you laugh at all the crazy people we would have seen! hehehehe

I know all too well about the "x-mom". Don't forget how "great" mine was for years after my split. She sadly is just doing these things to protect T, because you know he is the one that is the hurt one in all of this.

You know I hate to admit to it, but I have also picked sides. I won't call him names but I will also not stand behind him ANY kind of way. The post on FB was kinda the last straw because to me that was nothing but RUDE. You have worked so hard to keep this whole thing off of there and vent here where it is more private. No matter what I love you and glad that you two are friends at this time. Hopefully you guys can keep that part of it all....and if you can you will have to write a book. LOL

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NELLIEC 12/19/2011 2:47PM

    I love the idea of scaring off the testosterone!

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THETURTLEBEAR 12/19/2011 12:57PM

    You've created your own sanctuary! I love the fact that the dining room is being functional too!

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LYNNA7499 12/19/2011 12:24PM

  I love the idea of 1 run a month. Also the color run sounds like lots of fun. Your place looks great!

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SCOTMAMA 12/19/2011 11:40AM

    I love to decorate -- and the best part is that you can make it reflect your personality!

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PATTIE253 12/19/2011 11:14AM

    I like the idea of a run a month. The color run sounds like fun!

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BAZOOKABOBCAT 12/19/2011 8:22AM

    I LOVE your goal and the kitchen is adorable. No one would ever say it wasn't unique!! ha ha ha ha ha.

Good for you for doing what's best for you.

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BAKER1009 12/19/2011 8:16AM

    I love what you have done with the place so far! Looks like you're outta the boxes finally!
Great goal set! I know you can do it, and so do you!!

I'm happy that you're happy, that's what matters the most! Have an awesome week!

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So much to say....

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Well, I went to run today. I did. Went to find my running pants when I realized that my girls after years of listening to their 80s momma said "oooooooh we DO love leggins..." Of course the leggins are my running pants.

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Other than that I have slaced....I mean really slacked. I haven't been a good leader on my team (sorry) and I haven't been on here very much cept to comment some blogs and what not. I definately haven't worked out other than to move, school, and clean. I DID however, stare at my Hip Hop Abs for like an hour wonder what day would be good to start. LOL

I am starting this weekend.

School is out. I did horribly this semester, but am sooooo proud of my girls for attaining honor status despite T's & my separation. We have decided to call it quits. I did cry ( in Science with my oldest sitting next to me...it was um.....yeah.) and I am so ready to use exercise to beat the crap out of this emotional b.s.

I can't wait. I really can't

I will go naked if I have to down to the cabana and work out...well, I won't though because I think my daughter's band teacher lives in this complex and that might be a bad first impression.

Oh Oh!! I sat and figured out some budget stuff today while my Kate was performing for some schools. I am going to do The Biggest Loser Cookbook for the next two weeks. Yeah, I realize that "Julie and Julia" already did this and that's fine...I want to try out all these recipes...they look so good. So I will try them out, hopefully pics and stuff and blog it. I can't start til Monday though as I have to take my girls to San Jose for an all weekend cheer competition. It's gonna be a doooooozer of a weekend!!

On that note I have to be up in a few hours sooo off to hit the showers...See ya Monday!

and don't let me forget batteries for my talking scale...it died...hence the error messages.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIM_POSSIBLE77 12/12/2011 12:10PM

    Girl, this is JUST what I needed today was to see that you were on here, blogged and going to get back on the ball! The workouts will totally help you with all of the emotions....remember all the time I spent swimming when I left my Ex! LOL.....seems like a lifetime ago! I miss you and wish everyday that we were closer so that we could work out together. Love you sis!!!

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RUFFIT 12/12/2011 11:45AM

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RAYLINSTEPHENS 12/11/2011 6:31PM

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ENDUROVET 12/11/2011 11:15AM

    Deepest condolences - it's always hard & very sad even if absolutely necessary...
Can't even imagine the pain involved when there's multiple children, too - I am overwhelmed w/the juggling involved w/only ONE.
Hang in there, darling. Ch-ch-ch-CHANGES indeed (ain't MY strong suit that's for sure!)

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CHOCOHOLIC2276 12/11/2011 10:39AM

    I know you have been going through a difficult time so I am glad you are starting to recoup and do what is best for you.

Love these new ideas and can't wait to hear how you progress- things will get better. emoticon

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THETURTLEBEAR 12/10/2011 5:12PM

    You are taking it a day at a time through a rough time in your life, and you are AWESOME.

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SOKKERNUT 12/10/2011 2:19PM

    Wow you have so much going on. Ohhh the little thing called Life that gets in the way sometimes of things we need to do or want to do. That is great the you will be starting fresh and anew. GOOD LUCK! emoticon

Good Luck to your girls this weekend at cheer competition.

Have a great weekend.

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GRANNYSUE9 12/10/2011 12:58PM

    Sorry about your split with T. It sounds like you have made your mind up to get back on track depsite your setbacks!! That is totally awesome. You can do this and remember that you are so worth it!! Have a great weekend and hope your daughters do well at cheer competions! One of my GD does this. She is 6 and so cute.

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BAKER1009 12/10/2011 8:12AM

    You have had so much going on these past several months. Hang in there beautiful girl. Things will come together like they should.

Big Hugs,
Beth

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DIANEDOESSMILES 12/10/2011 2:28AM

    I am soo PROUD of you for making the decision with T. I KNOW that was soo HARD ! it had to be YOUR Decision ! But it sounded like the one that needed to be made for the stability of ur fam. Also the grades will rebound, once you become stable again,,,, have no doubt. Hon,,,ur going thru so much, I am sooo PROUD OF ALL UR DOING !! WOOHOOOO On doing the excerises,, those will help you with processing things,,,the eomotions ur feelings, and to deal with the anxiety your feeling. HUGS ! Diane

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Moving in and moving on...

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The duplex flopped, they picked another canadate.

Then the townhouse.

The house was too expensive and couldn't get me an answer.... so,

here we are in Rocklin. My Katie cried. She didn't want an apartment and she didn't want Rocklin. I told her it was just for a year (hope) and that we WOULD be moving back to Lincoln as soon as possible and that it would NOT affect her schooling. Other than that the girls seem to be adjusting okay. We all have our bouts of moodiness but quickly work through them together. I'm not going to lie...it really is already more peaceful. Kind of like when he goes on a deployment. and...I do sometimes miss him. Not enough to shave yet though.

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The people here are pretty nice. We pulled up with the Uhaul and there were like, 5 guys ready to help us. Total strangers who are our new neighbors. Every time we showed up with a Uhaul, they would show up to help us unload. It was really kind of cool. the managers of this place got us in here in ONE day. One. She said she had never done that before but when she heard our plight, she just HAD to try. We are in a little disabled unit which I love because the hallways are wider and the bathrooms are a touch bigger.

As I am in the last 4 weeks of school (today) I still have boxes EVERYWHERE.. Whenever anyone of us ask where something is it's "in a box....somewhere" LOL But no one has time to really unpack yet.

I still have uber amounts of essays, algeblah, and final studies...

As for workin out....that would be moving, right? LOL

All in all, it's an adjustment. As this is a 3 day weekend I have put my mind to getting the place in order. We will have while walls and our party couch for awhile as I am managing deposits and whatnots, but it willc ome together. I somehow will find a hot pink couch and maybe some nice shelving units...

I'm just hoping the living room is big enough for me to work out in...otherwise this is gonna be intersting! LOL

Have a great 3 day weekend everyone!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RICKEFFEL 11/30/2011 10:59AM

    You're "moving" in the right direction. I'm sure things will only get better. Don't let him back in unless he can truly prove himself a changed man. Yes, it may take coldheartedness, but perhaps that is really inner strength.

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KIM_POSSIBLE77 11/21/2011 5:11PM

    I know I tell you this all the time, but I love you and I'm SO proud of you! You are wonderful and no matter what the girls will grow stronger from all this as will you. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I was closer to you and the girls, especially now. I love you all!!

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NEEDSINCENTIVE 11/16/2011 7:25AM

    I will be in Tacoma for the Holiday... maybe you girls might road trip up here for the Turkey day... I miss you so much and just wanna hug you all! emoticon


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RUFFIT 11/15/2011 10:38AM

    That is great you have awesome new neighbors!! Good for you!! Moni

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SCOTMAMA 11/13/2011 10:38AM

    The only time I've seen neighbors come to help with the moving was when they were Mormons! They did the same thing when my son and his wife moved to Idaho. That must have been great. When I have moved in the past, except for the boxes marked "Kitchen" I have had all the boxes put in the garage. Then I would bring in one at a time to unpack -- the house seemed fairly organized that way. Of course I couldn't use the garage, but it was usually all done within a week. That's my idea of FAST!

Good luck to you - sounds like you are coping!

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SPARKLINGVIOLET 11/12/2011 2:13PM

    Wow! Talk about nice neighbors!!

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CHOCOHOLIC2276 11/12/2011 6:29AM

    Those are great neighbors, so nice they offered to help you out. I really believe that when you are meant to be somewhere things come easier and fall into place smoothly. I hope you and your children get to like the place:)



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BRATS4 11/11/2011 6:18PM

    it will all work out.hopeful for the best.i'm praying for you and the girls

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BAKER1009 11/11/2011 8:06AM

    Sorry the duplex didn't work out, but am glad that you got an apartment so that you could get moved out and started with your new, even if temporary, life.
What's wrong with Rocklin? I loved it there! I liked the Bel Air grocery store...they put our groceries in our car! LOL...that was a first for me, lol!
What complex did you end up in? I hope you all settle in and get your pink sofa and shelves soon!
Only 4 weeks of school to go? That's awesome! I hope it goes well. You should be so proud of yourself, on so many levels!

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NELLIEC 11/11/2011 1:01AM

    Yes, moving is most definitely working out! I'm glad you had help with the hefty stuff!!!

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MNABOY 11/10/2011 11:35PM

    You have my admiration. Moving is something I have feared for years.

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DIANEDOESSMILES 11/10/2011 11:01PM

    How I LOVE that ur neighbors AND Landlord helped you move in, though it wasn't where you really wanted to be hon. It DOES sound like it'll work out for awhile. I HOPE the kids will adjust quickly and ALL will go FINE ! you know how I LOVE the PINK COUCH !! WOOOHOOOO TO THAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I am also in an handicapped apt, and it IS SOOOO NICE huh? it makes it so much NICER for my elect wheelchair to get around,,, woohoooooo ! My other cat Princey, (Wincey) ENJOYED Riding on my lap, now I have this NEW Kitten, Isabella, and we SHALL SEE how she does. Life is sooo strange huh?

SO AM hoping things on ur end works out VERY WELL. And you "know how I FEEL ABOUT HIM, and how I HOPE he doesn't cause any problems.

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KAYE454 11/10/2011 10:54PM

  Hope all works out ok and you you get thinks done in the next few days

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THETURTLEBEAR 11/10/2011 10:52PM

    Glad to hear you've found a place and are slowly settling in!

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Size 16-12

Friday, October 21, 2011

So I went from a loose size 16 to a snug, but fits, size 12 and you know what sux about that?


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Really? Like ANYTHING would suck about that?!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOTIVATED-ME 11/28/2011 7:47AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JAISLING 11/7/2011 6:35PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LYNETTEMOM 10/31/2011 4:56PM

    hahaha--- I was thinking you were an ungrateful wench, until I got to the bottom!

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TLOVESC1125 10/31/2011 2:38PM

  emoticon emoticon

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TWNOMWE 10/26/2011 8:49AM

    emoticon emoticon
I have retired my size 16 and I am close to throwing away the 14 as well.
Just doing slim and 6 pack!!!

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MELINA05 10/23/2011 8:42PM

    That's GREAT!!!!! Keep up the good work!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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DIANEDOESSMILES 10/22/2011 11:01PM

    HAHAHAHAHAHA Betty HOW TRUE IS THAT???? I am currently in a 14 DOWN FROM A 3X !! WOOOHOOO Huh? Yuppers from 288 down to 168 !!! WOOOOHOOOO ! GONE 120 !! WOOOHOOOOO !

Your doing FANTASTICAL Betty!!! lets KEEP THAT UP !! Please make sure you are hitting the Spirited Under Dawg excerise/challenge page daily,,, for we really need the POINTS from what I SEE HERE YOUR A ROCKING THE CHALLENGE !! So PLEASE HELP US !! WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO

YOU ROCK GAL !! YOU ROCK !!! GOOOO SPIRITED UNDER DOGS !! WOOOFF WOOFFFF !!!

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BRATS4 10/22/2011 6:26PM

    great,super,love it.did i say i was happy for you?

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CHOCOHOLIC2276 10/22/2011 8:34AM

    Nothing sux about that!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon that was ALL you! You made it happen:)

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CHRISGETTINGFIT 10/21/2011 11:36PM

    Awesome!


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CORINA-MOMOF4 10/21/2011 9:26PM

    WTG!!!

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SUNFLOWERGAL40 10/21/2011 8:06PM

    emoticon That's awesome! emoticon for you! emoticon emoticon

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MARYANNGI 10/21/2011 4:51PM

    emoticon You are totally awsome!

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KIM_POSSIBLE77 10/21/2011 1:28PM

    LOVE it!!! I put on my size 14s and they are getting big on me now....crazy thing is I just got into these jeans! LOL We are DOING this!!!

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YOURJONES 10/21/2011 1:26PM

    Hahaha! Keep exercising, cuz you don't want to lose any muscle!

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BAKER1009 10/21/2011 12:50PM

    LOL...you're too funny! emoticon

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THETURTLEBEAR 10/21/2011 12:38PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JILLTBNAGART 10/21/2011 12:32PM

    Congrats!!!! Woo HOo!

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MICHSTATE 10/21/2011 12:09PM

    Ha!!! You really had me wondering what you could possibly be talking about!!! :-)

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ALIHIKES 10/21/2011 12:02PM

    Congratulations! That's GREAT! emoticon

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JORDANA84 10/21/2011 12:00PM

    woot woot! good job. THATS how you know you lost, not by the stupid scale!

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MICHELES76 10/21/2011 11:46AM

  Keep up the great work. I can't wait to drop a size.

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total eclipse of the heart

Friday, October 21, 2011

I never cried.

Never.

My body tries...it lingers in the back of my eyelids, always waiting like an emotion of multiple personalities. Never really knowing who is in charge, but ready to act when it finds out. I go for days emotionally drained; physically ready to cry, but emotionally too pissed off to care. It's very confusing.

I wish I could explain it.

You see, for the past decade I have been the good girl. The wife who stood by her angry, alcoholic man. The one who would never give up because it just wasn't right to do so.

So now that he gave up on me on a whim...I think "what the hell?!" What gives him this right? I stayed. Even when I thought for sure it was time to end all I stayed...and now, he says things like "I haven't filed yet...until YOU decide to fix it" I get angry...so angry....why?

Should I have ended it so long ago? Every fiber of my being says no and I think that's why Ifeel like I am supposed to hurt....but I have programed myself to never be hurt by him again...so I can't...I can't hurt...I just sit and stare and think...how can this be. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

The government in its infinite financial widsom decided to FINALLY give me a raise on Social Security disability in January. Finally. three years and I finally get a 3.5 % raise in Januray to "match cost of living" Problem is they forgot to tell the apartment companies so that 3.5 that I get in JANUARY put me over the income restriction for the apartments NOW. Unless I have another baby I'm rich...isn't that crazy?? So now not only have I become a woman who was "dumped", I just became a financial nightmare "statistic". Lovely. A single mom raising kids on disability who got denied for her apartment,

That led me to another delimma. He is in Guam...he wants to get back together in 6 months only there are no apartments. I just applied for a cute little (tiny) duplex that wants a year lease. But, it is 3 bedrooms for 900 a month and it's new and cute. I took it...well, I applied for it. I know he will be angry and I feel like "who cares? HE put me here!!"

I hate this...I hate feeling like this...ask anyone, it's not me. I'm "ignore the bad to promote the good" Fate takes us where we need to be....so ....where is it taking me and my girls??

I am so tired.

I'm tired of trying to figure out what he means when he says "I haven't filed yet...it's up to YOU...You fix the schedule, but I'm gonna get wasted in Guam until then ok?" like a small child in a tantrum holding a vice grip over my heart. What exactly am I suppsed to do?? Give in to the ultimatum or ... wait, wait... I say...wait...it wasn't supposed to be this way!

I'm lost.

I was living my own life with an alcoholic. I didn't realize that he'd figure it out and feel alone. I didn't realize that he'd turn it back on me...somehow, it became my fault and I feel it. I'm guilty...and now I'm looking at a tiny 1000 sq ft place behind a factory that might work... and think..."I did it wrong"

I watch a movie about couples and I laugh..."they lie" I say to myself...love is a facade and yet I feel so incredibly jealous when I see my cousins be so sweet to their spouses on Facebook. It's not real, I tell myself...but then I see my besties with their boyfriends honey sweet..."gross" I say in slight twinge of jealousy...knowing in my heart the men will turn...it happens.

but does it?

There are men who geniunely look at their wives and TALK to them? Since when? Are they fake? really? I don't belive it....I wish I did, but I can't...I've never seen it so it must not be real.

My Human Development teacher asked us who we feared the most when something bad happens....I listed him....the class laughed....it wasn't funny cuz it was true.

All these things linger and I think...he just thinks we'll be better in 6 months? He thinks because HE said so we'll be better in 6 months?? and I wonder if I really want it anymore... or even if I care...

do I care?

My emotions say nothing. It's just what they do...I start to dream a bad dream and wake up, I think a bad thought and it disappears...many years of my mother's authoritarian scare blocks all possiblilities of emotion out. It's better to feel nothing at all than emit an ounce of pain. Ever.

But I do... I care about three girls...It was all I ever wanted in life was to be a momma. And not just a momma....but a GOOD momma. and I have been...so seeing what I see and knowing what I know I can't help but to feel bitter than he doesn't want to be a daddy, that he is angry because I don't spend enough time with him..

I am angry that he can't see past that. I hate when he says my realationship with my oldest is "unhealthy" because we get along.

I don't like feeling sick all the time and the tears lingering in the back of my eyeballs with my heart so solid and cold.

but I don't care.

As long as I never grow bitter I don't care....I will continue being the momma I want to be. Anything else is just...well, petty.

I'm hoping to hear back from the duplex tomorrow...it's a 1 year lease and not 6 months as hubby was hoping for. But, at this point...it's about surviving anymore, right? It's about me and three beautiful girls...

he put me on hold...he put US on hold...to prove a point.

and I hate him for that.

I wish I could cry now...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BRATS4 10/24/2011 3:36PM

    honey i'm praying real hard for you.you deserve better then this.i have even told my dil to get the hell out .you to

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DIANEDOESSMILES 10/22/2011 11:14PM

    HI hon,,, we do not know each other,,, we are "only teammates" but sweetie, i grew up in this situation,,and my Mom put my "step monster" ahead of us kids,,,it was SHEER $HELL for us kids. It was for HER ALSO (she'd later on admit it to us, though NOT at that time) is this REALLY the life you want for your kids to grow up in? For their futures to be ROCKED by FRIGHT of the HOLLARING? The FIGHTING? The NAME CALLING? The FRIGHT OF "What if he HURTS Mommy or US?" or when he DOES HURT YOU and its NOT FAR OFF ,,, "Will Mommy die?" "Will WE DIE?" as they turn to being teens "Why didn't Mom protect us?" "Why didn't Mom stand UP for herself?" "Why? WHY? WHY? WHY!!!!!????" with the ENDLESS TEARS as you watch YOUR OWN DAUGHTERS do as MOST OF US DO and THROW our OWN FUTURES DOWN the drain as we COPY YOUR EXAMPLE of what you SETTLE FOR so DO WE. After all its ALL WE KNOW.

Is this what you WANT for your daughters? FOR YOU? is this what YOU GREW UP In?" I am so sorry this is so HARD HITTING, but in all honesty,,,, its ALL TO TRUE. I WAS FOLLOWING my MOMS own rules,,,when a Friends mom grabbed me and said "NO HON ! This will NoT HAPPEN TO YOU ALSO !" but thats RARE ! SO RARE that a STRANGER will CARE about YOUR CHILDREN!!!! Especially when YOU LOVE them SO MUCH !! Hon, please YOU Do right now have the IDEAL SITUATION to NOT ALLOW HIM BACK ! YOU DO !!! YOU CAN DO THIS WITHOUT HIM !

I care,,, and you can ALWAYS email me,,, and we'll chat that way. Diane

Comment edited on: 10/22/2011 11:19:22 PM

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CHOCOHOLIC2276 10/22/2011 8:57AM

    I don't know if you want him back or not but this is a childish game he is playing. Apparently this is all your fault. He's gonna go and get drunk and live it up in Guam and then what....come back to the same life you had before? Promise things will change but will they?

You took a first step towards healing yourself. This is not your fault. You did not make him an alcoholic and you cannot make him leave that habit or heal him. You have to do what is bets for YOU. There is no guilt in figuring out what works for you. There is no guilt in wanting a life without drama and mind games.

Sending prayers your way emoticon

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NELLIEC 10/21/2011 6:38PM

    I know that at some point I finally decided that my children and I could not take my then-husband's abuse anymore. I got out. I did first have a legal separation and then later filed for divorce. It took a while to get everything ironed out, but now I feel whole again. I have Jesus and my adult children to love me and I love them! And now I have grandchildren to enjoy and love!

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LYNNA7499 10/21/2011 11:50AM

  I believe that everything happens for a reason and there is a reason you did not get that apartment, because a nice duplex is available. Take care of yourself and those girls!

emoticon emoticon

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THETURTLEBEAR 10/21/2011 10:22AM

    Living with an alcoholic or drug addict causes exactly what you describe: your emotions are stifled. One also typically struggles with the idea that they are supposed to be able to do something about this - and his reaction (to turn this back on you) makes things more confusing. I would highly recommend that you go online and seek the closest meeting of Al-Anon to get the support you need from others who are going through the same thing. It's completely anonymous and you'll find a support system for this, in the same way that Spark provided a support system for your health. You will also find that one might support the other. (And if I already told you this before, I apologize, but I am a firm believer in these programs.)

Comment edited on: 10/21/2011 10:22:50 AM

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ENDUROVET 10/21/2011 10:04AM

    Well honey I am crying for you - actually for both of us. Reminds me too much of the sick twisted game MY ex played w/me (when in reality he was already long gone emotionally, deeply enmeshed w/his GF even as he kept swearing they were "just friends") - an effed-up, carrot n' stick game of "guess what you did wrong", "try to correct your mistakes" while he jerked the strings like a puppeteer.

Don't play, Corinna, just DON'T.

It sounds like you're carrying on just right - take care of your girls & everything else will fall into place. I know it also stings to be the dumpee when you played The Good Girl all those years - I did too. (The running joke amongst my in-laws was "Saint Val")

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RUFFIT 10/21/2011 9:25AM

    You have to be self-caring. That is what you are doing. Take care of yourself and your girls. Hugs, Moni emoticon emoticon

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RED_WRITINGHOOD 10/21/2011 9:11AM

    Corinna I am really sorry that you are having to go through all of this. I can't tell you what to do but I can say that if he is not changing his habits and stopping his drinking habits than how will anything change. You need to focus on what environment is best for you and your daughters and worry about what he wants last. I hope everything works out for you and don't loose faith, there are good guys out there, there really are! You and your family are in our thoughts and in our prayers. If you need anything just ask.

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KIM_POSSIBLE77 10/21/2011 8:46AM

    My dear Sister....I WISH that I was there, I WISH that I could take this pain away. What I can tell you is DO NOT live your life on hold. The moment that you and the girls move out there is no way for you to live in limbo.
STOP letting him think that he has the control over this relationship. A true functinal relationship is when TWO people work at it...not ONE. You have always been the one to fix the relationship, to stop being friends with people because he didn't like them. It is time for you to not walk on egg shells and learn what it is in life that makes you happy. Get the duplex, get the year contract. If things work out for you then he can move into your place. Become the strong woman that everyone see's in you. Let me know when you are free this weekend so we can talk for a bit. I love you SO much! emoticon

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BAKER1009 10/21/2011 7:56AM

    Cori, I'm sorry to hear that you are still struggling with so much. I'm sorry the apartment didn't work out. But I am one that believes everything works out the way it does for a reason. So apparently there is a reason you were not suppose to get that apartment. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that the duplex works out, if it is meant to be.
Nosey me...saw that you have decided to have the party...that's awesome. Let that be a distraction for you for now.
After reading this, I feel bad that your experience "in love" was so crappy. But it does exist. Don't give up hope.
I also think after reading this that you have your priorities straight, and you know what is important "you and the girls"!! Keep your head up, because you are a wonderful person and you are strong enough to get through this and whatever else life has in store for you. Sending many, many, hugs your way Cori!

xoxo
Beth

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LEN_VERSION32 10/21/2011 6:44AM

    emoticon emoticon

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A-STRONGER-ME 10/21/2011 5:55AM

    Sounds terribly unhealthy for you Corinna.

Wants to get back together in 6 months - what is going to change in that time period?

I know what I would do, but YOU must decide what is best for you and I am betting that waiting on him is NOT it!!

Some one once told me,'when there are tears, there is still hope." No tears??

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