Monday, December 19, 2011
My fi'excee came over last week and asked/told me that he wanted to work things out. He did not want to lose me and things would change. I did what any normal irrational soul would do. I ran to the courthouse and filed the papers.
It's not that there isn't love there. After a quarter of a century love was never the issue. He wasn't happy with me that day and it was extremely stressful. I would have never gotten through the day without Cutiepie actually as she kept me "company" even via text while I was going through this. I can never thank her enough.
Strange we seem to get along better for the most part now. I think he's really trying to quit drinking and his personality seems to reflect it. We talk a lot and it's nice, but like I told him. After so many years I just feel like we are more friends than a couple. For sure there is a lot more than one could put their fingers on to "fix". I think Tina Turner sang it best "it's time for letting goooooo"
Everyone but one person has done fabulously at avoiding sides. And what I mean by that is pretty self explanatory. It's one thing to support a person or another, and even occasionally do a bit of name calling (goodness knows I have!) but there is ONE person that I will leave nameless (his m*m) whom after 25 years does nothing but bash! It's awful and I don't mean just for me. I do feel bad for t as sometimes he just wants someone to listen. "hey had the girls over for dinner...." "including her?? WHY?!" I realize it's probably the I dunno, protective gene or whatever...but really. Just be there for him lady and quit making him feel crappier than he does! Gah...
OH! so, I've been thinking of my New Year's resolution already. Another friend of mine made a wonderful suggestion of "finding me" this year...and I thought. "I wanna run" I really do. I've missed it and slacked off so this is the perfect time to start it. My resolution will be one run a month ... there is a color run in July that I would LOVE to do! You wear a white t-shirt and every 1K "they" throw color on you...LOL I can't WAIT for that one. Depending on when my BIL gets married I will either do the July 8 in Seattle or July 28 in San Fran. I probably will be going to San Fran...which is okay cept I'm doing the Bay to Breakers in May there. LOL
So hopefully by next week I will have the year of runs planned out on here. Exciting huh? LOL
For my exercise today i did cleaning and painting. Really...a lot. I will show you! I owe ya pics of my place anyhows...ready?
As you all know I found the $7 gallon of pink paint for our kitchen. I went back to Wal Mart to get two gallons of a nice neutral beige that would be oh so pretty to compliment the pink.
I ended up with....
I call it peach. My oldest and youngest call it orange. so our apartment is now a Sherbet and probably guaranteed to scare away anything containing testosterone.
when you first walk in the door this is what you see:
I love the color myself...all bright and cheery as opposed to the dull grey/white that surrounded us before. As you go down the hall you will see the laundry on left, bath on right and three bedrooms. There is a little nook to the bedrooms that I keep my curio cabinet and Ms. Kate decided this would be cute to do in pink too....so we did.
Back at the front door...look to the left and you will be in the dining/kitchen area.
As you can see our dining area contains NO dining table. Only a piano, computer station, the lovely whiteboard (my favorite piece! LOL) Someday it will contain a cute table ... maybe.
My kitchen was in the process of being cleaned...so excuse the mess...
back at the front door we look right...this is my living room... My favorite piece here is the book shelf that I can't wait to add to!! (blurry pic)
and above my hot pink slipcovered loveseat are some pretty cool girlie pics...we haven't finished paining the living room yet (haven't started) so that's why the color isn't right. It will be cute with the peach I hope.
Well, that's it so far...that is our place. totally girlie and not ever anything I would have been in before as a married gal. LOL Next will be pink hair !! Like the esurance gal!! why? because I can, duh? LOL
Girls are on break (sortof) from school but not their activities. I get to sleep in at least! ceeeept, i think I will use the time to try out the treadmill in my pjs tomorrow! woo hoo! I'll let you know how that goes. Gots to start my training!!!
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Well, I went to run today. I did. Went to find my running pants when I realized that my girls after years of listening to their 80s momma said "oooooooh we DO love leggins..." Of course the leggins are my running pants.
Other than that I have slaced....I mean really slacked. I haven't been a good leader on my team (sorry) and I haven't been on here very much cept to comment some blogs and what not. I definately haven't worked out other than to move, school, and clean. I DID however, stare at my Hip Hop Abs for like an hour wonder what day would be good to start. LOL
I am starting this weekend.
School is out. I did horribly this semester, but am sooooo proud of my girls for attaining honor status despite T's & my separation. We have decided to call it quits. I did cry ( in Science with my oldest sitting next to me...it was um.....yeah.) and I am so ready to use exercise to beat the crap out of this emotional b.s.
I can't wait. I really can't
I will go naked if I have to down to the cabana and work out...well, I won't though because I think my daughter's band teacher lives in this complex and that might be a bad first impression.
Oh Oh!! I sat and figured out some budget stuff today while my Kate was performing for some schools. I am going to do The Biggest Loser Cookbook for the next two weeks. Yeah, I realize that "Julie and Julia" already did this and that's fine...I want to try out all these recipes...they look so good. So I will try them out, hopefully pics and stuff and blog it. I can't start til Monday though as I have to take my girls to San Jose for an all weekend cheer competition. It's gonna be a doooooozer of a weekend!!
On that note I have to be up in a few hours sooo off to hit the showers...See ya Monday!
and don't let me forget batteries for my talking scale...it died...hence the error messages.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
The duplex flopped, they picked another canadate.
Then the townhouse.
The house was too expensive and couldn't get me an answer.... so,
here we are in Rocklin. My Katie cried. She didn't want an apartment and she didn't want Rocklin. I told her it was just for a year (hope) and that we WOULD be moving back to Lincoln as soon as possible and that it would NOT affect her schooling. Other than that the girls seem to be adjusting okay. We all have our bouts of moodiness but quickly work through them together. I'm not going to lie...it really is already more peaceful. Kind of like when he goes on a deployment. and...I do sometimes miss him. Not enough to shave yet though.
The people here are pretty nice. We pulled up with the Uhaul and there were like, 5 guys ready to help us. Total strangers who are our new neighbors. Every time we showed up with a Uhaul, they would show up to help us unload. It was really kind of cool. the managers of this place got us in here in ONE day. One. She said she had never done that before but when she heard our plight, she just HAD to try. We are in a little disabled unit which I love because the hallways are wider and the bathrooms are a touch bigger.
As I am in the last 4 weeks of school (today) I still have boxes EVERYWHERE.. Whenever anyone of us ask where something is it's "in a box....somewhere" LOL But no one has time to really unpack yet.
I still have uber amounts of essays, algeblah, and final studies...
As for workin out....that would be moving, right? LOL
All in all, it's an adjustment. As this is a 3 day weekend I have put my mind to getting the place in order. We will have while walls and our party couch for awhile as I am managing deposits and whatnots, but it willc ome together. I somehow will find a hot pink couch and maybe some nice shelving units...
I'm just hoping the living room is big enough for me to work out in...otherwise this is gonna be intersting! LOL
Have a great 3 day weekend everyone!
Friday, October 21, 2011
I never cried.
My body tries...it lingers in the back of my eyelids, always waiting like an emotion of multiple personalities. Never really knowing who is in charge, but ready to act when it finds out. I go for days emotionally drained; physically ready to cry, but emotionally too pissed off to care. It's very confusing.
I wish I could explain it.
You see, for the past decade I have been the good girl. The wife who stood by her angry, alcoholic man. The one who would never give up because it just wasn't right to do so.
So now that he gave up on me on a whim...I think "what the hell?!" What gives him this right? I stayed. Even when I thought for sure it was time to end all I stayed...and now, he says things like "I haven't filed yet...until YOU decide to fix it" I get angry...so angry....why?
Should I have ended it so long ago? Every fiber of my being says no and I think that's why Ifeel like I am supposed to hurt....but I have programed myself to never be hurt by him again...so I can't...I can't hurt...I just sit and stare and think...how can this be. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
The government in its infinite financial widsom decided to FINALLY give me a raise on Social Security disability in January. Finally. three years and I finally get a 3.5 % raise in Januray to "match cost of living" Problem is they forgot to tell the apartment companies so that 3.5 that I get in JANUARY put me over the income restriction for the apartments NOW. Unless I have another baby I'm rich...isn't that crazy?? So now not only have I become a woman who was "dumped", I just became a financial nightmare "statistic". Lovely. A single mom raising kids on disability who got denied for her apartment,
That led me to another delimma. He is in Guam...he wants to get back together in 6 months only there are no apartments. I just applied for a cute little (tiny) duplex that wants a year lease. But, it is 3 bedrooms for 900 a month and it's new and cute. I took it...well, I applied for it. I know he will be angry and I feel like "who cares? HE put me here!!"
I hate this...I hate feeling like this...ask anyone, it's not me. I'm "ignore the bad to promote the good" Fate takes us where we need to be....so ....where is it taking me and my girls??
I am so tired.
I'm tired of trying to figure out what he means when he says "I haven't filed yet...it's up to YOU...You fix the schedule, but I'm gonna get wasted in Guam until then ok?" like a small child in a tantrum holding a vice grip over my heart. What exactly am I suppsed to do?? Give in to the ultimatum or ... wait, wait... I say...wait...it wasn't supposed to be this way!
I was living my own life with an alcoholic. I didn't realize that he'd figure it out and feel alone. I didn't realize that he'd turn it back on me...somehow, it became my fault and I feel it. I'm guilty...and now I'm looking at a tiny 1000 sq ft place behind a factory that might work... and think..."I did it wrong"
I watch a movie about couples and I laugh..."they lie" I say to myself...love is a facade and yet I feel so incredibly jealous when I see my cousins be so sweet to their spouses on Facebook. It's not real, I tell myself...but then I see my besties with their boyfriends honey sweet..."gross" I say in slight twinge of jealousy...knowing in my heart the men will turn...it happens.
but does it?
There are men who geniunely look at their wives and TALK to them? Since when? Are they fake? really? I don't belive it....I wish I did, but I can't...I've never seen it so it must not be real.
My Human Development teacher asked us who we feared the most when something bad happens....I listed him....the class laughed....it wasn't funny cuz it was true.
All these things linger and I think...he just thinks we'll be better in 6 months? He thinks because HE said so we'll be better in 6 months?? and I wonder if I really want it anymore... or even if I care...
do I care?
My emotions say nothing. It's just what they do...I start to dream a bad dream and wake up, I think a bad thought and it disappears...many years of my mother's authoritarian scare blocks all possiblilities of emotion out. It's better to feel nothing at all than emit an ounce of pain. Ever.
But I do... I care about three girls...It was all I ever wanted in life was to be a momma. And not just a momma....but a GOOD momma. and I have been...so seeing what I see and knowing what I know I can't help but to feel bitter than he doesn't want to be a daddy, that he is angry because I don't spend enough time with him..
I am angry that he can't see past that. I hate when he says my realationship with my oldest is "unhealthy" because we get along.
I don't like feeling sick all the time and the tears lingering in the back of my eyeballs with my heart so solid and cold.
but I don't care.
As long as I never grow bitter I don't care....I will continue being the momma I want to be. Anything else is just...well, petty.
I'm hoping to hear back from the duplex tomorrow...it's a 1 year lease and not 6 months as hubby was hoping for. But, at this point...it's about surviving anymore, right? It's about me and three beautiful girls...
he put me on hold...he put US on hold...to prove a point.
and I hate him for that.
I wish I could cry now...
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