Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Ever have those days that you have to force yourself to make better?
I woke up at 175 today. I stared at the scale knowing this was something I should rejoice but the weekend has left me numb to emotion. It started years ago, but for blogging purposes I will take you to Saturday morning.
I use this blog as a diary, so to speak. Many of us do. It's our emotions and mental awareness that helps us push ourselves, or consumes our emotional eating. Saturday morning I woke up to 179.9.
I had been struggling with the 179/180 and I knew it was due to stress. Ah, that lovely word we all hear and try to desperately to ignore. I tried to and it caught up with me.
My daughters and I had a day planned for Saturday. We were to take D2 to her dance class and then hit a baby shower 1.14 hours away in Stockton, then come back and I would take hubby out to dinner since I had been stood up for a couple of date nights now due to time, money etc.
Hubby, as we put it, was in "one of his moods" and so we asked "do you want us to cancel the shower" ? He had been complaining that there was no time for him and although we had been trying to accomodate, it isn't enough. He said nothing so we left...I knew I knew then. I've known for a while. I took D2 to dance and we headed to Stockton. When we got there it was a pizza place and everyone was gone with the new Mom packing her car.
"you missed it" she said kinda irritated
"impossible!" I said "I have 15 minutes of oogle time and the party never starts til we arrive anyhows!"
We gave her the gifts, told her to schedule delivery in Modesto (2 hours from us) on such and such date as we had to be there for D3 cheer. She smiled and she left. The girls and I ordered a pizza and watched Washington State kick California's butt in Football. Being from Washington, we cheered...the waitress hands us pizza and ask "you like Washington?"
"yup lived there forever"
when a very tatoo'd, bald man turned and said "I'm a Raider's fan"
My poor D1 turned white. We had just experienced shootings between Raiders/49ers in SF and we are in what my husband calls the ghetto of cali (I grew up here, sorry) LOL so yeah, she turned colors. I laughed and we continued to eat...cheering a little more silently.
I got up to go to the bathroom and mowed over a small child. Man, I need to remember my cane. She was okay cept I "hurt her butt" .... after apologizing to her Dad 1,000 times and coming back to the booth to 3 hysterically laughing girls we decided it was time to go.
As we had to go through Sacramento anyhows to get back home and my brother lives in Sacramento we decided to invade his house. We chatted a bit, laughed and visited when I reminded the girls I had a date night.
We drove home to a very somber person..I looked and there was another bottle gone. I sighed as I knew date night was out of the question. He went for a smoke and I followed.
"I'm leaving for Washington tomorrow" he simply states to me and my 12 year old D3.
"oh, I see" I said ... having heard this many a times before. "so no date night again tonight?"
"yup. going to go pack now. I'm done"
the "I'm done" is his favorite line when drinking, by the way.
D3 ran upstairs crying and I was not going to let this ruin our already good day. "Girls, let's go" I said and texted back my brother "we're invading you for the night" I wrote.
As we got into the car he asked "where is my pistol?" I looked at him "you're kidding right? you want me to tell you in your frame of mind?"
"I'm not gonna do anything but pack it"
"well, then I'll ship it UPS but you are not getting it...I'm leaving for the night and will see you in the morning."
"I won't be here"
"uh huh, sure dear" and we left.
The girls and I went to the fountains. Just for a walk. It was pretty and the weather was a perfectly cool night. I tried taking a couple of pics of the jazz band playing but it was too dark. My D1 bought us all gelatto and the youngest asked.
"do you think he's leaving?"
"no. but we have to." They all looked at me. I, too, had said this many a times. But, in my heart of hearts I knew as I stood there looking at the fountains just beyond our picture being taken, that this time; it was true.
When we got to my brother's house I explained quickly what was going on. I really don't delve into my problems so they really had no idea what was going on when my phone chirped that I had a voice mail. It was my MIL very angry demanding that I "get those girls back in the car and deal with this GD problem!!"
then about 10 minutes later I received another voicemail:
"So, I talked to the family (his mom) and my Mom said I couldn't leave and we're gonna split the bank and so which bedroom do you want?"
I turned off the phone and went to bed.
The next morning I was sick....I mean really really sick. I didn't want to explode the downstairs bathroom so I looked at D1 and whispered "I'm going upstairs to use that potty"
Have you ever seen Dumb and Dumber? You know what's WORSE that that situation? Having had JUST talked about that when
"Um...mom....the toilet's broken in there"
I'm pretty sure I lost the five pounds in there. I'm pretty sure my brother will never invite me back.
It was awkward arriving at home as I knew it would be. My stomache tossed and turned some more. I went to say something when:
"We are going to get separate places. If in 6 months or whatever we come to our senses then, we'll go from there."
"ok" I said
the rest of the day was actually.......great. We talked, said "I love you" looked for apartments together, discussed how to sort things, who wanted what. No one would claim the bird, and we even had sex...then discussed that neither one of us had intentions of dating and how were weekends? It was so strange and surreal...like I was in a dream only it kept going and there were no flying above trees.
"Are you nervous?" I asked "I mean, we've been together since I was 16...what do I do if I don't have you being miserable?" I could see him thinking "I guess try to be happy" he said.
I looked at him as a human for once and wondered. It was weird to see him that way as I just haven't tried to see him at all in the past what feels like 10 years.
The phone rang and it was my brother in law, Doyle. I listened to the phone call and after I hung up stared at it...
"what is it?" hubby asked
His ex wife had overdosed on herionne the night before. They found her body. Their 2 girls were devastated.
I tossed the phone on the couch. "she's dead" and walked away.
Why couldn't I cry? Shouldn't I be crying with the impending separation and horrible death. Why was everything so foggy yet so vividly clear? I scolded myself internally for not crying. Where were the tears? Am I an evil person for not feeling anything??? Remorse? Guilt? something??!?? and why were we getting along better NOW as we hunt for apartments and plan counseling and he plans on buying his own house and...why are we, dare I say it, happy?
So as I stand on the scale this morning, clearly 5 pounds lighter and exhausted from the weekend I think. I really am as unemotional as my D1 used to accuse me of. My mind ponders the days activities ahead. I have to make 100 pounds of potato salad today, read Acts II and III of Shakesphere for class, D2 has dance, and life goes on.
Monday, September 19, 2011
I'm just extremely exhausted.
More mentally than physically.
But if I become exhausted physically, maybe I won't be mentally.
hmmm...things to ponder for Monday.
Is it Friday yet?
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
It's been nuts around here!!
I think I may have stretched myself a weee bit too thin...too bad we can't do that literally.
Anyhows: The Ribfest was a slight dissapointment. We put in over $3000 for food and supplies ($2000 from our rent) and made back $1400. Was NOT the investment return we were hoping for. We did have a lot of repeat customers and many people were bringing back friends. The other vedors there also stated they were at a HUGE loss themselves. I don't know whether it was due to weather or people not spending, but there were maybe 1/3 of the attendance that was normally there. Hubby did get one catering job out of it and potentially 2 more...one from a lady I was able to use my beginning sign on! LOL
Needless to say, between that, school, the girls' school, dance, cheer, and everything else in between I am just mentally exhausted.
But, now that the fest is over and we are broke for about another 2 weeks to a month.....
I think I will focus on my challenges.
One: Six weeks of September. I want to apologize to my team for setting this up and then not being there! I hope they are all pushing play and kicking butt.
Two: BLC17: Just got myself set up and there is this Smore thing I have to do:
I'll have to check them off as I do them (nightly maybe?)
Sweat - 5 pts for each 15 minutes of cardio - 20 pt max
Munch your Freggies - 5 pts a day for 5 SERVINGS of FREGGIES, all or nothing.
Organize - set goals, make menus for the week, make a healthy shopping list, organize a cabinet in your kitchen, etc - get ready for the challenge - 5 pts 1 project per day
Rest - 5 pts for getting in 7 - 8 hours sleep
Exercise - Strength training - 1 body area per day (upper, lower, abs) alternate. 5 pts per each set of 15 reps 20 pt max
AND last but DEF not least PMP challenge:
1. By the end of Thursday, September 15, you are challenged to do 2 HOURS OF STRENGTH TRAINING OVER 4 DAYS. This can be broken down to two sets of 15 minutes per day, which ANYONE can make time for if they want to. Between Friday and Sunday night, clock AN ADDITIONAL HOUR. That's 20 minutes on Friday, 20 on Saturday and 20 on Sunday. THis is the minimum I expect you to spend on strength training if you are serious about changing your body and health.
No it will not be easy, THAT is why it is called a challenge. If I told you that you had until the end of the week to do 15 minutes total of free weights, it would be so ridiculously easy, that it wouldnt do much for your body.
You can do more than one muscle group OR you can concentrate on just one group for the entire two hours AS LONG AS YOU TAKE REST DAYS BETWEEN THOSE WORKOUTS SO YOUR BODY CAN HEAL AND GROW AND BE MORE EFFICIENT.
**no die hard stupidity please. It is best that you do not work out your arms for two hours tonight just to get it out of the way, esp if you have not been following an ST plan for an established amount of time yet**
2. WRITE ON YOUR CALENDAR/CHART/WHATEVER WHICH GROUPS YOU WORKOUT AND FOR HOW LONG YOU WORKED THEM OUT.
You will need to look back on this next week. You will need to see how often you work each group. You will need to do this so you can learn to keep balance.
3. MUSCLE FAILURE CHALLENGE. Before Sunday, September 19th, pick !!ONE!! of the exercises from your starting line (pushups, situps, planks, squats, etc) and, instead of seeing how many reps you can do in one minute, I want you to (going SLOW and keeping proper form) see how many reps (or in the case of a plank, how many minutes:seconds) you can do before you reach muscle failure and have to stop. I am giving you until Sunday to do this so that it will not interfere with any of your ST sessions unless you want to count it as part of your 2 hour challenge.
4. Take this week to finish getting measurements or taking pictures if you need to!
5. BONUS! Take pictures of your sweaty workout afterglows, of your healthy beautiful food, or how you spend your rest day doing happy active things!
My bestie and I are doing a couple of these challenges together and I think we are really gonna focus on our arms. I'm still trying for the ABs too but hubby (in his lovely tactless way) says that it will never work. He CLAIMS that women after giving birth never get their abs back but I've seen tooooo many women that DO. So, I'm a trying to prove him wrong!! LOL
Okay now. I'm going to go take a shower, go to English, do dinner, take youngest to cheer, middle to dance and then I will work out for me!!
OMG!!! a little sidenote. At the Ribfest I had to run to the bank to get change, As the bank was going to close at one I began to run. I remember thinking "gosh, this feels SOOO good! I MISS this!!!: and I ran all the way there and back (okay so it was only 3 blocks there and back, but still)
I guess what I am saying is that I really never ever ever ever ever ever ever (and another ever for good measure) thought I would ever ev.... ehem say that I missed running! Holy smacks! That was ME!! LOL
So, put finish C25 on that check list.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
This week is a blurring by!
On my $62 Target menu (remember, I based off of what I had at home mainly) I came up with a Cheeseburger Quiche. Now, I LOVE quiche, but wasn't sure if my family would approve.
Ya know what? they DID!!!!
I even made a homemade crust, who knew I was even capable? (ok ok, I knew lol)
Let's see. I also made a ratatouille that was so freaking yumdelish!! Since then I've included the leftovers in my stew for tomorrow.
My folks are up from Texas this week. We went two hours south to some of my family and basically party on the lake. It was really a lot of fun! Now, I have some family members that would make even Jerry Springer blush, but I always love going to catch up on the gossip, meet the new babies, and reflect. My dad has 12 brothers and sisters so since I've accumulated well over 200 cousins and we are loud and big and ... well, we are like the Big Fat Greek Wedding only we're not Greek :o) At least, not that I've been notified as of yet.
I've gotten down my Hip Hop Abs and I'm pretty excited to be starting that. I want to do it WITH my new Slim in 6 series. I should be sweating up a storm here!! wowza! I'm going to try the HIp Hop Abs in the morning.
That's about it...It's about midnight and I still have to get up to take middle one to band, little one to tumblin and buy the oldest our text books. OH!! I forgot.
No. I mean it. I forgot. I was just gonna say something and it left my brain and fizzled right out the nose.
challenges, weight, food, ... I think I covered it...OH, maybe it was something about having another "daughter" out next summer and buying the youngest a planner to make it happen...maybe....I dunno but now I'm ramblin. I need to run, I need coffee, I need....
Clearly I need:
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Strange how life can change in an instant.
There we all were at our annual camping trip in LaPines, Oregon. The trip is relatively important, you see, for it entwines our families from Washington and California. In organizing such an event my husband and I usually take charge of the food portions. We purchase it, organize the menus and bring it all down. This year we purchased food for over 30 people for a week; a hefty bill to be paid back at the camp ground. Good thing as I used my rent money to purchase the foods...
Only the 2nd day in we had a death in the family and seven people left..without their payment. Hubby asked if we should ask them for payment and I said "no". and I still won't ask for it...we even donated another $150 for the funeral. Another couple also didn't pay and said they would send a check. It doesn't "bother" us really as we always have tended to put forth the foods. The point of the whole paragraph REALLY is that in doing so, I put MY intermediate family in a budget crunch for the next two weeks.
When we came back home my daughters and I had to figure out how to purchase groceries for two weeks. I sat down and crunched out a menu; looking online for attractive meals under $10. I also looked up recipes for venison. My husband hunts and I rarely use the meats in fear that I will spend the day cooking and we still order pizza that night....LOL (It's been done!!)
I am proud to say that I came up with 14 meals and shopped at Target. Between the items we still had at home and the menu in my hand I spent (are you ready?) $62 for two weeks. This did NOT include produce, but still...I couldn't help but to do the happy pee pee dance a little.
If that wasn't enough one of the creative meals was done last night...Venison marinated in sweet sauce covered in BACON!!
It was a little overdone, but all three of my girls ate it! (something that rarely seems to happen in this house) They admitted it was a little overdone, but that was okay as it tasted likey jerkey...I think that was a compliment. LOL
Oh, camping: I was worried about the menu as it did consist of hotdogs, burgers, spaghetti and such and I was ever thankful that Tom (hubby) went out of the way to buy me watermelon, cantalope, grapes, and other amounts of fruits as that's mainly what I ate. I tried doing my C25 run. I picked week 2 as that is my favorite playlist and I thought how easy it would be to do the six 90 increments...WRONG!! By increment number two I was gasping and panting and kept trying to push myself forward. I tried going AROUND the campsite roads so no one I knew would see me, but that didn't work....they looked for me and cheered me on. I guess they've never seen a fat lady run and found it encouraging and entertaining.
Truth be known, it was nice to see them cheering me on (I couldn't hear as the playlist was a buzzing away)
I'm pretty sure I couldn't do the increments because of the higher altitudes. I will work on that.
Looking at last years pics and this years...although I've lost 15 pounds I don't see any difference and neither did anyone else. That's okay though. Really. I carried my weight well until it all hit and I will until it all falls off. I know this.
This was last July (2010) I was hoping then to get INTO the 180s (196 lbs)
and this is me IN the 180s hoping for the 170s.
Hopefully I can lose more than 10 pounds this year. I DO have mutant ninja resistor fat cells though and they are EVIL little B@st*rds. I did come home to the scale at 180.2. Not bad.
I wasn't able to get back into the groove of exercising or Spark yet and I'll tell ya why. We began our life routine already. Sort of. First, we went to the funeral (my mom in law was who passed....well, step mom in law, but really)
Then even though the girls don't start school until end of August my Katie has band every single day 8 hours a day for the summer. OMG they are so dedicated!!! Then there's cheer four days a week for the youngest and dance for Kate a different four days a week. My oldest, Panda, and I are looking for school books as our financial aid was denied (booooo) and because that clearly isn't enough to do my husband is happily moving forward with our Humdinger BBQ business. We have an event for the 27th of this month, a ribfest on the 10th of next month and I am in charge of seeking a BBQ competition for us to enter in.
The event on the 27th is a Fundraiser for my daughter's band. I contacted the City of Lincoln to promote it and somehow ended up possibly getting our business a gig every Friday in the town of Rocklin......keep your fingers crossed on that one please as I think that would put hubby into an actual (dare I say it) happy mood for a minute.
Okay! For those of you in Slim in 6 (or not) we will be starting a new challenge on August 21st. That will be our Six weeks of September challenge. For those who don't have a Slim in 6 account, come on over...you just have to work out for 6 weeks is all. I just love the daily interactions... :o)
My oldest is pestering me to visit her in the living room, there are still dishes, my youngest wants a cell phone, there's cheer tonight and I'm creating a homemade hamburger quiche for tonight. The pool has to be cleaned and the garden re-tended to. I hope I can get in a small run just for relaxations' sake!!!!
OH!!! For those who haven't yet to see Katy Perry's new "Last Friday Night" video. It rocks. It freaking has Corey Feldman as her Dad, Debbie Gibson as her Mom and Kenny G as her Uncle. I love artist who appreciate the 80s.
Had to throw that in....go watch it...it's freaking awesome!! Oh, I'll help you. Here's the link. Watch it....I commad you!! (not really...I really wouldn't be that mean, but I hope you watch it) and watch it past the credits, freaking cute.
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