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Moving in and moving on...

Thursday, November 10, 2011

The duplex flopped, they picked another canadate.

Then the townhouse.

The house was too expensive and couldn't get me an answer.... so,

here we are in Rocklin. My Katie cried. She didn't want an apartment and she didn't want Rocklin. I told her it was just for a year (hope) and that we WOULD be moving back to Lincoln as soon as possible and that it would NOT affect her schooling. Other than that the girls seem to be adjusting okay. We all have our bouts of moodiness but quickly work through them together. I'm not going to lie...it really is already more peaceful. Kind of like when he goes on a deployment. and...I do sometimes miss him. Not enough to shave yet though.


The people here are pretty nice. We pulled up with the Uhaul and there were like, 5 guys ready to help us. Total strangers who are our new neighbors. Every time we showed up with a Uhaul, they would show up to help us unload. It was really kind of cool. the managers of this place got us in here in ONE day. One. She said she had never done that before but when she heard our plight, she just HAD to try. We are in a little disabled unit which I love because the hallways are wider and the bathrooms are a touch bigger.

As I am in the last 4 weeks of school (today) I still have boxes EVERYWHERE.. Whenever anyone of us ask where something is it's "in a box....somewhere" LOL But no one has time to really unpack yet.

I still have uber amounts of essays, algeblah, and final studies...

As for workin out....that would be moving, right? LOL

All in all, it's an adjustment. As this is a 3 day weekend I have put my mind to getting the place in order. We will have while walls and our party couch for awhile as I am managing deposits and whatnots, but it willc ome together. I somehow will find a hot pink couch and maybe some nice shelving units...

I'm just hoping the living room is big enough for me to work out in...otherwise this is gonna be intersting! LOL

Have a great 3 day weekend everyone!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RICKEFFEL 11/30/2011 10:59AM

    You're "moving" in the right direction. I'm sure things will only get better. Don't let him back in unless he can truly prove himself a changed man. Yes, it may take coldheartedness, but perhaps that is really inner strength.

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KIM_POSSIBLE77 11/21/2011 5:11PM

    I know I tell you this all the time, but I love you and I'm SO proud of you! You are wonderful and no matter what the girls will grow stronger from all this as will you. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I was closer to you and the girls, especially now. I love you all!!

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NEEDSINCENTIVE 11/16/2011 7:25AM

    I will be in Tacoma for the Holiday... maybe you girls might road trip up here for the Turkey day... I miss you so much and just wanna hug you all! emoticon

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RUFFIT 11/15/2011 10:38AM

    That is great you have awesome new neighbors!! Good for you!! Moni

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SCOTMAMA 11/13/2011 10:38AM

    The only time I've seen neighbors come to help with the moving was when they were Mormons! They did the same thing when my son and his wife moved to Idaho. That must have been great. When I have moved in the past, except for the boxes marked "Kitchen" I have had all the boxes put in the garage. Then I would bring in one at a time to unpack -- the house seemed fairly organized that way. Of course I couldn't use the garage, but it was usually all done within a week. That's my idea of FAST!

Good luck to you - sounds like you are coping!

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    Wow! Talk about nice neighbors!!

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CHOCOHOLIC2276 11/12/2011 6:29AM

    Those are great neighbors, so nice they offered to help you out. I really believe that when you are meant to be somewhere things come easier and fall into place smoothly. I hope you and your children get to like the place:)

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BRATS4 11/11/2011 6:18PM

    it will all work out.hopeful for the best.i'm praying for you and the girls

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BAKER1009 11/11/2011 8:06AM

    Sorry the duplex didn't work out, but am glad that you got an apartment so that you could get moved out and started with your new, even if temporary, life.
What's wrong with Rocklin? I loved it there! I liked the Bel Air grocery store...they put our groceries in our car! LOL...that was a first for me, lol!
What complex did you end up in? I hope you all settle in and get your pink sofa and shelves soon!
Only 4 weeks of school to go? That's awesome! I hope it goes well. You should be so proud of yourself, on so many levels!

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NELLIEC 11/11/2011 1:01AM

    Yes, moving is most definitely working out! I'm glad you had help with the hefty stuff!!!

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MNABOY 11/10/2011 11:35PM

    You have my admiration. Moving is something I have feared for years.

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DIANEDOESSMILES 11/10/2011 11:01PM

    How I LOVE that ur neighbors AND Landlord helped you move in, though it wasn't where you really wanted to be hon. It DOES sound like it'll work out for awhile. I HOPE the kids will adjust quickly and ALL will go FINE ! you know how I LOVE the PINK COUCH !! WOOOHOOOO TO THAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am also in an handicapped apt, and it IS SOOOO NICE huh? it makes it so much NICER for my elect wheelchair to get around,,, woohoooooo ! My other cat Princey, (Wincey) ENJOYED Riding on my lap, now I have this NEW Kitten, Isabella, and we SHALL SEE how she does. Life is sooo strange huh?

SO AM hoping things on ur end works out VERY WELL. And you "know how I FEEL ABOUT HIM, and how I HOPE he doesn't cause any problems.

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KAYE454 11/10/2011 10:54PM

  Hope all works out ok and you you get thinks done in the next few days

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THETURTLEBEAR 11/10/2011 10:52PM

    Glad to hear you've found a place and are slowly settling in!

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Size 16-12

Friday, October 21, 2011

So I went from a loose size 16 to a snug, but fits, size 12 and you know what sux about that?










Really? Like ANYTHING would suck about that?!



  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOTIVATED-ME 11/28/2011 7:47AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JAISLING 11/7/2011 6:35PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LYNETTEMOM 10/31/2011 4:56PM

    hahaha--- I was thinking you were an ungrateful wench, until I got to the bottom!

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TLOVESC1125 10/31/2011 2:38PM

  emoticon emoticon

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TWNOMWE 10/26/2011 8:49AM

    emoticon emoticon
I have retired my size 16 and I am close to throwing away the 14 as well.
Just doing slim and 6 pack!!!

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MELINA05 10/23/2011 8:42PM

    That's GREAT!!!!! Keep up the good work!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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DIANEDOESSMILES 10/22/2011 11:01PM

    HAHAHAHAHAHA Betty HOW TRUE IS THAT???? I am currently in a 14 DOWN FROM A 3X !! WOOOHOOO Huh? Yuppers from 288 down to 168 !!! WOOOOHOOOO ! GONE 120 !! WOOOHOOOOO !

Your doing FANTASTICAL Betty!!! lets KEEP THAT UP !! Please make sure you are hitting the Spirited Under Dawg excerise/challenge page daily,,, for we really need the POINTS from what I SEE HERE YOUR A ROCKING THE CHALLENGE !! So PLEASE HELP US !! WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO


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BRATS4 10/22/2011 6:26PM

    great,super,love it.did i say i was happy for you?

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CHOCOHOLIC2276 10/22/2011 8:34AM

    Nothing sux about that!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon that was ALL you! You made it happen:)

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CHRISGETTINGFIT 10/21/2011 11:36PM


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CORINA-MOMOF4 10/21/2011 9:26PM


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SUNFLOWERGAL40 10/21/2011 8:06PM

    emoticon That's awesome! emoticon for you! emoticon emoticon

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MARYANNGI 10/21/2011 4:51PM

    emoticon You are totally awsome!

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KIM_POSSIBLE77 10/21/2011 1:28PM

    LOVE it!!! I put on my size 14s and they are getting big on me now....crazy thing is I just got into these jeans! LOL We are DOING this!!!

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YOURJONES 10/21/2011 1:26PM

    Hahaha! Keep exercising, cuz you don't want to lose any muscle!


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BAKER1009 10/21/2011 12:50PM

    LOL...you're too funny! emoticon

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THETURTLEBEAR 10/21/2011 12:38PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JILLTBNAGART 10/21/2011 12:32PM

    Congrats!!!! Woo HOo!

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MICHSTATE 10/21/2011 12:09PM

    Ha!!! You really had me wondering what you could possibly be talking about!!! :-)

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ALIHIKES 10/21/2011 12:02PM

    Congratulations! That's GREAT! emoticon

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JORDANA84 10/21/2011 12:00PM

    woot woot! good job. THATS how you know you lost, not by the stupid scale!

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MICHELES76 10/21/2011 11:46AM

  Keep up the great work. I can't wait to drop a size.

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total eclipse of the heart

Friday, October 21, 2011

I never cried.


My body tries...it lingers in the back of my eyelids, always waiting like an emotion of multiple personalities. Never really knowing who is in charge, but ready to act when it finds out. I go for days emotionally drained; physically ready to cry, but emotionally too pissed off to care. It's very confusing.

I wish I could explain it.

You see, for the past decade I have been the good girl. The wife who stood by her angry, alcoholic man. The one who would never give up because it just wasn't right to do so.

So now that he gave up on me on a whim...I think "what the hell?!" What gives him this right? I stayed. Even when I thought for sure it was time to end all I stayed...and now, he says things like "I haven't filed yet...until YOU decide to fix it" I get angry...so angry....why?

Should I have ended it so long ago? Every fiber of my being says no and I think that's why Ifeel like I am supposed to hurt....but I have programed myself to never be hurt by him again...so I can't...I can't hurt...I just sit and stare and think...how can this be. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

The government in its infinite financial widsom decided to FINALLY give me a raise on Social Security disability in January. Finally. three years and I finally get a 3.5 % raise in Januray to "match cost of living" Problem is they forgot to tell the apartment companies so that 3.5 that I get in JANUARY put me over the income restriction for the apartments NOW. Unless I have another baby I'm rich...isn't that crazy?? So now not only have I become a woman who was "dumped", I just became a financial nightmare "statistic". Lovely. A single mom raising kids on disability who got denied for her apartment,

That led me to another delimma. He is in Guam...he wants to get back together in 6 months only there are no apartments. I just applied for a cute little (tiny) duplex that wants a year lease. But, it is 3 bedrooms for 900 a month and it's new and cute. I took it...well, I applied for it. I know he will be angry and I feel like "who cares? HE put me here!!"

I hate this...I hate feeling like this...ask anyone, it's not me. I'm "ignore the bad to promote the good" Fate takes us where we need to be....so ....where is it taking me and my girls??

I am so tired.

I'm tired of trying to figure out what he means when he says "I haven't filed yet...it's up to YOU...You fix the schedule, but I'm gonna get wasted in Guam until then ok?" like a small child in a tantrum holding a vice grip over my heart. What exactly am I suppsed to do?? Give in to the ultimatum or ... wait, wait... I say...wait...it wasn't supposed to be this way!

I'm lost.

I was living my own life with an alcoholic. I didn't realize that he'd figure it out and feel alone. I didn't realize that he'd turn it back on me...somehow, it became my fault and I feel it. I'm guilty...and now I'm looking at a tiny 1000 sq ft place behind a factory that might work... and think..."I did it wrong"

I watch a movie about couples and I laugh..."they lie" I say to myself...love is a facade and yet I feel so incredibly jealous when I see my cousins be so sweet to their spouses on Facebook. It's not real, I tell myself...but then I see my besties with their boyfriends honey sweet..."gross" I say in slight twinge of jealousy...knowing in my heart the men will turn...it happens.

but does it?

There are men who geniunely look at their wives and TALK to them? Since when? Are they fake? really? I don't belive it....I wish I did, but I can't...I've never seen it so it must not be real.

My Human Development teacher asked us who we feared the most when something bad happens....I listed him....the class laughed....it wasn't funny cuz it was true.

All these things linger and I think...he just thinks we'll be better in 6 months? He thinks because HE said so we'll be better in 6 months?? and I wonder if I really want it anymore... or even if I care...

do I care?

My emotions say nothing. It's just what they do...I start to dream a bad dream and wake up, I think a bad thought and it disappears...many years of my mother's authoritarian scare blocks all possiblilities of emotion out. It's better to feel nothing at all than emit an ounce of pain. Ever.

But I do... I care about three girls...It was all I ever wanted in life was to be a momma. And not just a momma....but a GOOD momma. and I have been...so seeing what I see and knowing what I know I can't help but to feel bitter than he doesn't want to be a daddy, that he is angry because I don't spend enough time with him..

I am angry that he can't see past that. I hate when he says my realationship with my oldest is "unhealthy" because we get along.

I don't like feeling sick all the time and the tears lingering in the back of my eyeballs with my heart so solid and cold.

but I don't care.

As long as I never grow bitter I don't care....I will continue being the momma I want to be. Anything else is just...well, petty.

I'm hoping to hear back from the duplex tomorrow...it's a 1 year lease and not 6 months as hubby was hoping for. But, at this point...it's about surviving anymore, right? It's about me and three beautiful girls...

he put me on hold...he put US on hold...to prove a point.

and I hate him for that.

I wish I could cry now...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BRATS4 10/24/2011 3:36PM

    honey i'm praying real hard for you.you deserve better then this.i have even told my dil to get the hell out .you to

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DIANEDOESSMILES 10/22/2011 11:14PM

    HI hon,,, we do not know each other,,, we are "only teammates" but sweetie, i grew up in this situation,,and my Mom put my "step monster" ahead of us kids,,,it was SHEER $HELL for us kids. It was for HER ALSO (she'd later on admit it to us, though NOT at that time) is this REALLY the life you want for your kids to grow up in? For their futures to be ROCKED by FRIGHT of the HOLLARING? The FIGHTING? The NAME CALLING? The FRIGHT OF "What if he HURTS Mommy or US?" or when he DOES HURT YOU and its NOT FAR OFF ,,, "Will Mommy die?" "Will WE DIE?" as they turn to being teens "Why didn't Mom protect us?" "Why didn't Mom stand UP for herself?" "Why? WHY? WHY? WHY!!!!!????" with the ENDLESS TEARS as you watch YOUR OWN DAUGHTERS do as MOST OF US DO and THROW our OWN FUTURES DOWN the drain as we COPY YOUR EXAMPLE of what you SETTLE FOR so DO WE. After all its ALL WE KNOW.

Is this what you WANT for your daughters? FOR YOU? is this what YOU GREW UP In?" I am so sorry this is so HARD HITTING, but in all honesty,,,, its ALL TO TRUE. I WAS FOLLOWING my MOMS own rules,,,when a Friends mom grabbed me and said "NO HON ! This will NoT HAPPEN TO YOU ALSO !" but thats RARE ! SO RARE that a STRANGER will CARE about YOUR CHILDREN!!!! Especially when YOU LOVE them SO MUCH !! Hon, please YOU Do right now have the IDEAL SITUATION to NOT ALLOW HIM BACK ! YOU DO !!! YOU CAN DO THIS WITHOUT HIM !

I care,,, and you can ALWAYS email me,,, and we'll chat that way. Diane

Comment edited on: 10/22/2011 11:19:22 PM

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CHOCOHOLIC2276 10/22/2011 8:57AM

    I don't know if you want him back or not but this is a childish game he is playing. Apparently this is all your fault. He's gonna go and get drunk and live it up in Guam and then what....come back to the same life you had before? Promise things will change but will they?

You took a first step towards healing yourself. This is not your fault. You did not make him an alcoholic and you cannot make him leave that habit or heal him. You have to do what is bets for YOU. There is no guilt in figuring out what works for you. There is no guilt in wanting a life without drama and mind games.

Sending prayers your way emoticon

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NELLIEC 10/21/2011 6:38PM

    I know that at some point I finally decided that my children and I could not take my then-husband's abuse anymore. I got out. I did first have a legal separation and then later filed for divorce. It took a while to get everything ironed out, but now I feel whole again. I have Jesus and my adult children to love me and I love them! And now I have grandchildren to enjoy and love!

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LYNNA7499 10/21/2011 11:50AM

  I believe that everything happens for a reason and there is a reason you did not get that apartment, because a nice duplex is available. Take care of yourself and those girls!

emoticon emoticon

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THETURTLEBEAR 10/21/2011 10:22AM

    Living with an alcoholic or drug addict causes exactly what you describe: your emotions are stifled. One also typically struggles with the idea that they are supposed to be able to do something about this - and his reaction (to turn this back on you) makes things more confusing. I would highly recommend that you go online and seek the closest meeting of Al-Anon to get the support you need from others who are going through the same thing. It's completely anonymous and you'll find a support system for this, in the same way that Spark provided a support system for your health. You will also find that one might support the other. (And if I already told you this before, I apologize, but I am a firm believer in these programs.)

Comment edited on: 10/21/2011 10:22:50 AM

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ENDUROVET 10/21/2011 10:04AM

    Well honey I am crying for you - actually for both of us. Reminds me too much of the sick twisted game MY ex played w/me (when in reality he was already long gone emotionally, deeply enmeshed w/his GF even as he kept swearing they were "just friends") - an effed-up, carrot n' stick game of "guess what you did wrong", "try to correct your mistakes" while he jerked the strings like a puppeteer.

Don't play, Corinna, just DON'T.

It sounds like you're carrying on just right - take care of your girls & everything else will fall into place. I know it also stings to be the dumpee when you played The Good Girl all those years - I did too. (The running joke amongst my in-laws was "Saint Val")

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RUFFIT 10/21/2011 9:25AM

    You have to be self-caring. That is what you are doing. Take care of yourself and your girls. Hugs, Moni emoticon emoticon

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RED_WRITINGHOOD 10/21/2011 9:11AM

    Corinna I am really sorry that you are having to go through all of this. I can't tell you what to do but I can say that if he is not changing his habits and stopping his drinking habits than how will anything change. You need to focus on what environment is best for you and your daughters and worry about what he wants last. I hope everything works out for you and don't loose faith, there are good guys out there, there really are! You and your family are in our thoughts and in our prayers. If you need anything just ask.

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KIM_POSSIBLE77 10/21/2011 8:46AM

    My dear Sister....I WISH that I was there, I WISH that I could take this pain away. What I can tell you is DO NOT live your life on hold. The moment that you and the girls move out there is no way for you to live in limbo.
STOP letting him think that he has the control over this relationship. A true functinal relationship is when TWO people work at it...not ONE. You have always been the one to fix the relationship, to stop being friends with people because he didn't like them. It is time for you to not walk on egg shells and learn what it is in life that makes you happy. Get the duplex, get the year contract. If things work out for you then he can move into your place. Become the strong woman that everyone see's in you. Let me know when you are free this weekend so we can talk for a bit. I love you SO much! emoticon

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BAKER1009 10/21/2011 7:56AM

    Cori, I'm sorry to hear that you are still struggling with so much. I'm sorry the apartment didn't work out. But I am one that believes everything works out the way it does for a reason. So apparently there is a reason you were not suppose to get that apartment. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that the duplex works out, if it is meant to be.
Nosey me...saw that you have decided to have the party...that's awesome. Let that be a distraction for you for now.
After reading this, I feel bad that your experience "in love" was so crappy. But it does exist. Don't give up hope.
I also think after reading this that you have your priorities straight, and you know what is important "you and the girls"!! Keep your head up, because you are a wonderful person and you are strong enough to get through this and whatever else life has in store for you. Sending many, many, hugs your way Cori!


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LEN_VERSION32 10/21/2011 6:44AM

    emoticon emoticon

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A-STRONGER-ME 10/21/2011 5:55AM

    Sounds terribly unhealthy for you Corinna.

Wants to get back together in 6 months - what is going to change in that time period?

I know what I would do, but YOU must decide what is best for you and I am betting that waiting on him is NOT it!!

Some one once told me,'when there are tears, there is still hope." No tears??

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and now....

Thursday, October 06, 2011

Well bummer...I gained back the weight I had lost. I kinda knew I was gonna. I hadn't been tracking at all, fitness is pretty non-existent and let's face it, the stress level was through the roof.

I didn't realize how much our bodies contain our "stress levels" (such an overused word I feel) until I went to the docs today. I have been feeling nauseaus since last weekend and my kidneys have been giving me grief again. I went in to get back on my anti biotics when they mentioned I had a low grade fever. Pretty typical, weight was going down since I last saw him (wooo hoooo) and oh, blood pressure is elevated.

Now, I looked at her puzzled and said "well, I do have some stress going on. Could that be it?" She said probably and had me uncrossed my legs...it went even higher. something over 107?? I dunno.

I dunno much about this other than whenever I had them take my blood pressure before it was always too low. So, to skip "normal" altogether and go straight to high...well, it's a little concerning. I will go back in two weeks to make sure I can mellow my body out some.

How to do that?

Breaking out the vids. I had them packed as I was going to hold off until we moved into our new apartments, but....I think I may need to let my body release some steam and sweat. Maybe even look into some meditation or something. Anybody know about meditation ?? email me.

I'm pretty sure my eating habits have failed miserably too. For example, 3 bags of fritos and a diet pepsi do NOT constitute a full meal for the day! I know better than this!!

So..time to snap out of this!


well, maybe a slap...but don't hurt the face!!


Okay, ramblin on....we have a storage pod thingie coming tomorrow to load up the garage. Hubby got his place and the girls and I picked out ours. So far everything is still very amicable and we both seem to have the "intention" that this is just temporary and we will be back together in 6 months... Kaiser doesn't cover counseling which stinks so we are looking about $125 a session. UGH!! But, upon the advice of my Sparkies and my bestie, the girls and I will be attending Alanon. My D1 got the info for that. Everyone (with the exception of my one meanie) has been UUUBBER supportive and loving and haven't taken sides so thank you thank you thank you :o) I can't thank everyone enough.

Girls and I are trying to figure out how to get the party couch hot pink. I'm looking at maybe having a hot pink slipcover made for it. I have an estimate of about $400. (hot pink microfiber...oh yeah!!)

I guess that's about it for today. Going to go finish up the kitchen, pack a few more things.. make dinner, take D3 to cheer, and work on Algeblah.

Oh ... and work out. thinking Hip Hop Abs and maybe I could use a little abuse from Jillian. Haven't decided yet really... I will let you know tomorrow!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHOCOHOLIC2276 10/9/2011 6:21PM

    Get back on track- you can do it. A lot of stressful things are going on in your life so I hope things settle down a bit more for you.

Concerned about your kidneys- hope they get back to normal.

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ESILBO 10/9/2011 12:10AM

    you seem yo be on the right track with the choices you made...good luck

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LYNNA7499 10/7/2011 1:54PM

  Good luck getting your health and stress under control. It is hard to relax when we have so much going on. I hope you are able to find a little time each day to relax and take care of yourself.

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ENDUROVET 10/7/2011 1:22PM

    Glad to hear the separation is proceeding smoothly... I hope it gets you where you need to go!
One thing I neglected to add to my blog post was how "bittersweet" it is, when my son hugs & kisses me, & calls me "The Best Mom in the World"... I do try my best, although it feels a long way off the mark sometimes.

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YOURJONES 10/7/2011 11:59AM

    Glad things are amicable. Can you imagine if it weren't? Hallelujah for that! Not glad to hear about your kidneys. Ditch the soda, guzzle that water and maybe start out walking. It's exercise and you can meditate while you walk. :D If you feel good doing that, try your workout DVD's. I'd start slowly, especially if you're running a fever and all. Girl, I hope you feel better soon. Take care of yourself okay? Hugs!

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KIM_POSSIBLE77 10/7/2011 11:38AM

    It was me...hehehe how easily I forgot about that. I will call you and walk you though what you need to do.

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RICKEFFEL 10/7/2011 10:41AM

    You are a survivor!! After the dust settles, all will be well.

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BAKER1009 10/7/2011 10:41AM

    First off, I hope everything is OK with your health. I know you have been BEYOND stressed lately. I have some meditation info that I could send you. Wasn't it Kim that was doing those meditation things at work that she loved?!
Anyway, glad things are coming along with the move and remaining amicable. That will be best for everyone involved.
That stinks that your insurance won't help with the counseling, but it is definitely worth it, in my opinion.
Alnon is a great program, and definitely worth it for all of you. It's free and super supportive! Best of luck with all of this.
And kudos to you for realizing your bad habits...now the fun part, moving away from them and getting back to what you know works! You can do it...I'm here for you!!
Oh, and instead of a slap, I think I'll just kick ya in the tush! emoticon

Have a good weekend!

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KIM_POSSIBLE77 10/7/2011 10:29AM

    I am SO glad that you and the girls are doing great and I'm glad that you all are going to the support group. That will help you a lot, it did for me...makes you feel like you are not alone in this battle. If they don't pay for couples consoling (many insurances won't) look into the individual consoling. At this point even going separate would help you guys...it would totally help him and it might be a better start for you both. I LOVE the idea for the couch...you need zebra print pillows to go with it! As soon as you get the address email or text it to me so that we can get a christmas goodie box made up for my 4 special girls!! Love you!!

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HOPEFULHIPPO 10/7/2011 10:15AM

    The kidney issue is what I'm figuring as my kidney has been sore for a week...I thought it was an infection but yesterdays lab results are showing negative. hmmm... I've already had 2 surgeries on these bad girls, so I'm hoping and hoping that maybe "stress" is the culprit and they just happy themselves right on up!

I don't need any moody body parts thank you very much!


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BLH507 10/7/2011 9:44AM

    If you are having trouble with your kidneys that could be the root of your blood pressure problems. Happens to me every time!

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    HOpe this helps ur family. My Dad drank when I was little, but was able to stop,, that did benefit us kids, though Mom and Dad had seperated and stayed that way. He became a totally calm and loving man. So yeah it can be done, all he had for support was his church, but he DID reach out. For Mom n' us kids, we had the entire fam as it was back in the 60s. Still we quickly healed and so I wish that fo rur fam. Prayers if you believe (if for thats so personal) can get you thru this and if you don't whatever means you use, will. Of course keep on blogging for as you found out, a bad day, days, week, weeks, month, etc, does quickly lead to over eating, and we[ve ALL been there hon. Please DO NOT beat urself up over it. Diane ML

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THETURTLEBEAR 10/6/2011 8:22PM

    I'm so excited you are doing Naranon - I felt kind of awkward mentioning it. You will find such a great support system there. It is like Spark, with live people. You will learn how to separate out the things you can't control (him) from the things you can (you) and it will help your Spark journey.

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BRATS4 10/6/2011 7:24PM

    praying for you,not the hot pink

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ROUNDTOWNMOM 10/6/2011 6:24PM

    Stress can do major ugly things to us and it sounds like, amicable or not, you are under quite a bit of that right now with this split up......temporary though it may be. Exercise, meditation, and taking care of you will help a lot in the long run. Alanon is a great place to start.................

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DOGSTARDADDY 10/6/2011 6:12PM

    Hot pink? This is why I only let my girls pick out the colors in their bedrooms. One picked pink, one picked purple.
Keep the faith, my friend. And keep talking to the girls. It'll help you all.

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Life goes on. (longest blog I've ever written)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Ever have those days that you have to force yourself to make better?

I woke up at 175 today. I stared at the scale knowing this was something I should rejoice but the weekend has left me numb to emotion. It started years ago, but for blogging purposes I will take you to Saturday morning.

I use this blog as a diary, so to speak. Many of us do. It's our emotions and mental awareness that helps us push ourselves, or consumes our emotional eating. Saturday morning I woke up to 179.9.

I had been struggling with the 179/180 and I knew it was due to stress. Ah, that lovely word we all hear and try to desperately to ignore. I tried to and it caught up with me.

My daughters and I had a day planned for Saturday. We were to take D2 to her dance class and then hit a baby shower 1.14 hours away in Stockton, then come back and I would take hubby out to dinner since I had been stood up for a couple of date nights now due to time, money etc.

Hubby, as we put it, was in "one of his moods" and so we asked "do you want us to cancel the shower" ? He had been complaining that there was no time for him and although we had been trying to accomodate, it isn't enough. He said nothing so we left...I knew I knew then. I've known for a while. I took D2 to dance and we headed to Stockton. When we got there it was a pizza place and everyone was gone with the new Mom packing her car.

"you missed it" she said kinda irritated

"impossible!" I said "I have 15 minutes of oogle time and the party never starts til we arrive anyhows!"

We gave her the gifts, told her to schedule delivery in Modesto (2 hours from us) on such and such date as we had to be there for D3 cheer. She smiled and she left. The girls and I ordered a pizza and watched Washington State kick California's butt in Football. Being from Washington, we cheered...the waitress hands us pizza and ask "you like Washington?"

"yup lived there forever"
when a very tatoo'd, bald man turned and said "I'm a Raider's fan"


My poor D1 turned white. We had just experienced shootings between Raiders/49ers in SF and we are in what my husband calls the ghetto of cali (I grew up here, sorry) LOL so yeah, she turned colors. I laughed and we continued to eat...cheering a little more silently.

I got up to go to the bathroom and mowed over a small child. Man, I need to remember my cane. She was okay cept I "hurt her butt" .... after apologizing to her Dad 1,000 times and coming back to the booth to 3 hysterically laughing girls we decided it was time to go.

As we had to go through Sacramento anyhows to get back home and my brother lives in Sacramento we decided to invade his house. We chatted a bit, laughed and visited when I reminded the girls I had a date night.

We drove home to a very somber person..I looked and there was another bottle gone. I sighed as I knew date night was out of the question. He went for a smoke and I followed.

"I'm leaving for Washington tomorrow" he simply states to me and my 12 year old D3.

"oh, I see" I said ... having heard this many a times before. "so no date night again tonight?"

"yup. going to go pack now. I'm done"

the "I'm done" is his favorite line when drinking, by the way.

D3 ran upstairs crying and I was not going to let this ruin our already good day. "Girls, let's go" I said and texted back my brother "we're invading you for the night" I wrote.

As we got into the car he asked "where is my pistol?" I looked at him "you're kidding right? you want me to tell you in your frame of mind?"

"I'm not gonna do anything but pack it"

"well, then I'll ship it UPS but you are not getting it...I'm leaving for the night and will see you in the morning."

"I won't be here"

"uh huh, sure dear" and we left.

The girls and I went to the fountains. Just for a walk. It was pretty and the weather was a perfectly cool night. I tried taking a couple of pics of the jazz band playing but it was too dark. My D1 bought us all gelatto and the youngest asked.

"do you think he's leaving?"

"no. but we have to." They all looked at me. I, too, had said this many a times. But, in my heart of hearts I knew as I stood there looking at the fountains just beyond our picture being taken, that this time; it was true.

When we got to my brother's house I explained quickly what was going on. I really don't delve into my problems so they really had no idea what was going on when my phone chirped that I had a voice mail. It was my MIL very angry demanding that I "get those girls back in the car and deal with this GD problem!!"


then about 10 minutes later I received another voicemail:

"So, I talked to the family (his mom) and my Mom said I couldn't leave and we're gonna split the bank and so which bedroom do you want?"

I turned off the phone and went to bed.

The next morning I was sick....I mean really really sick. I didn't want to explode the downstairs bathroom so I looked at D1 and whispered "I'm going upstairs to use that potty"

Have you ever seen Dumb and Dumber? You know what's WORSE that that situation? Having had JUST talked about that when

"knock knock"
"Um...mom....the toilet's broken in there"

I'm pretty sure I lost the five pounds in there. I'm pretty sure my brother will never invite me back.

It was awkward arriving at home as I knew it would be. My stomache tossed and turned some more. I went to say something when:

"We are going to get separate places. If in 6 months or whatever we come to our senses then, we'll go from there."

"ok" I said

the rest of the day was actually.......great. We talked, said "I love you" looked for apartments together, discussed how to sort things, who wanted what. No one would claim the bird, and we even had sex...then discussed that neither one of us had intentions of dating and how were weekends? It was so strange and surreal...like I was in a dream only it kept going and there were no flying above trees.

"Are you nervous?" I asked "I mean, we've been together since I was 16...what do I do if I don't have you being miserable?" I could see him thinking "I guess try to be happy" he said.

I looked at him as a human for once and wondered. It was weird to see him that way as I just haven't tried to see him at all in the past what feels like 10 years.

The phone rang and it was my brother in law, Doyle. I listened to the phone call and after I hung up stared at it...

"what is it?" hubby asked

His ex wife had overdosed on herionne the night before. They found her body. Their 2 girls were devastated.

I tossed the phone on the couch. "she's dead" and walked away.

Why couldn't I cry? Shouldn't I be crying with the impending separation and horrible death. Why was everything so foggy yet so vividly clear? I scolded myself internally for not crying. Where were the tears? Am I an evil person for not feeling anything??? Remorse? Guilt? something??!?? and why were we getting along better NOW as we hunt for apartments and plan counseling and he plans on buying his own house and...why are we, dare I say it, happy?

So as I stand on the scale this morning, clearly 5 pounds lighter and exhausted from the weekend I think. I really am as unemotional as my D1 used to accuse me of. My mind ponders the days activities ahead. I have to make 100 pounds of potato salad today, read Acts II and III of Shakesphere for class, D2 has dance, and life goes on.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRACIOUSGRAPE 10/21/2011 2:14PM

    Just read this today. I have been where you are, living with an alcoholic. I,too, had to hid the guns as he threatened me constantly, and also talked suicide. I lived that way for 13 years. It was not healthy for my boys, or me. I finally got to the point, after he tried to slash my throat with a broken wine bottle in a drunken rage, and then again when he tried to choke me - again in a drunken rage, that I filed for divorce. He left the state, after cleaning out the bank account, and our business account, plus stole the newest business vehicle. But I could breathe - I felt the biggest relief of my life - my family was extremely relieved. I had a lot of debt to overcome and had to borrow money to pay personal and business bills - but it was worth it. I have a life of peace and calm now. I loved him dearly, but had to come to the realization that he loved alcohol more than he loved me - and I could not compete for his affections. I would lose every time.

You will live through this. It sounds as if you have supportive family and you need that. It is terrible that your ex-sister-in-law choice that method to die and left her family with guilt and grief.

When you are constantly dealing with an alcoholic, you do tend to stop being able to show emotions. I don't cry a lot to this day (5 years later). I think I cried myself all out in the earlier years of our marriage, when I thought there was hope to save it. Be strong, find comfort in your friends, family and faith. You are stronger than you realize. My thoughts and prayers are with you. emoticon

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SCOTMAMA 9/30/2011 9:21PM

    I know it's been a few days since you wrote this, but I wanted to write something to you anyway. You know, we all act and think weird thoughts when a break-up or divorce is emminent. So don't think you're crazy or different.

I know how your emotions had you going from one level to another and it feels so awful. So don't feel bad about any of the emotions that you went through -- just bear with it.


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RICKEFFEL 9/29/2011 11:09PM

    {{{hugs}}} and prayers.

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YOURJONES 9/29/2011 1:16PM

    I'm a little late reading this. Sending you love and light.
and emoticon

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LYNETTEMOM 9/29/2011 12:51PM

    I went through a very messy marital break-up so I want to tell you that things do get better. Use any support that is offered because you will do better if you don't try to be Super-Woman. It won't be easy but you can do it! emoticon

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ENDUROVET 9/28/2011 11:23PM

    Wow. Just wow. Was it only last summer when I stuck my foot (figuratively speaking) in my mouth, responding to one of your blogs when it turned out you were only joking about divorce??!!??

The blog is good for emotionally venting & we're here for you as much as we can be!

Hang in there babe,

Love & prayers, Val

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JOYCERN12 9/28/2011 11:08PM

    Hey, Just met up with you recently but am pretty sure the answer is no, you are not "unemotional" or bad, You will deal with things as they come, your body and mind will narrow the focus to what is important in the here and now. Just remember to forgive yourself when it catches up to you in 2-3 days or weeks and you explode and cry your eyes out over a spilt bottle of nail polish....personal experience there.... or something as minute. Joyce from you Amazon Warrior Team.

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BRATS4 9/28/2011 2:35PM

    my youngest is going though the same thing.i will add your family to my prayers

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A-STRONGER-ME 9/28/2011 10:50AM

    Corrine, we all grieve in different ways - give it time. And give personal counseling some serious thought - you have a ton on your plate. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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IFATFIRST77 9/28/2011 12:21AM

    sending hope and hugs your way emoticon

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LAURAKINS 9/27/2011 10:01PM


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HI-NRG 9/27/2011 3:30PM

    I am so sorry. Sorry that you are going through all this. You have three very good reasons to keep coming here for support and not giving up. I hope that our support helps you. I know all your comments and encouragement has lifted my spirits many a time.

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KIMBERTA99 9/27/2011 2:39PM

    Oh my goodness what a weekend you had. Take time to process everything. I hope you and your husband can find your way back....sometimes we need a break from our significant other to figure out what we really want. If you were meant to be together you will. Take care emoticon

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RED_WRITINGHOOD 9/27/2011 2:07PM

    Just take a breath and spend sometime sorting everything out. The emotions will eventually come.

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KKINNEA 9/27/2011 1:38PM

    I think you need time to take it all in. Don't beat yourself up right now and take it one day at a time.

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NELLIEC 9/27/2011 1:36PM

    Wow, reminds me of when I decided to separate from my abusive husband. Tough decision, but I actually felt somewhat better after it, in spite of the turmoil. And later, when we tried to reconcile and ended up divorcing, I felt numb for a while, then despondent, and then better. (The despondency was worry that he would take the kids, but the courts said no to that.)

I will be praying for you and the situation.

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SASSISPRING 9/27/2011 12:50PM

    You ask why can't you cry, you are numb, shock, shut-down. Those tears will come later, probably when you least expect them and probably over something very irrelevant. You've lived more in one weekend than most people live in a lifetime. You made many right decisions, including refusing to stay when he asked for the gun and refusing to tell him where the gun was. When you shut off the phone. How you spoke with your daughters. Everything. I hope that you find support, check in a woman's shelter for support - not check in to stay, per se...more check in to see if there is someone you can speak with. It's the counsellor in me and also the woman in me. I left an abusive relationship, I remember those dark days leading up to the final time I said "I'm gone" and the times after, how it was. I didn't cry at the time over anything, yet I wept when something silly happened or something caught me on TV. More than crying, I reacted with anger. Some women react by completely shutting down, some cannot stop crying, some continue onwards like everything is cool until one day they simply cannot get out of bed. Shock, numbness, it does it to you. I'm sorry to hear about the death of your brother'n'law's ex-wife, very sad. feel free to mail me anytime even if all you want to do is vent. (((many hugs)))

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CHOCOHOLIC2276 9/27/2011 12:34PM

    It sounds like you are both wanting a change. Good for you for taking this step. Whether it works out or not as far as your relationship is concerned, you'll figure it out in the coming days.

For now focus on you, your needs and your daughters' needs. Just focus on living each day. Sending prayers your way. emoticon

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KIM_POSSIBLE77 9/27/2011 12:28PM

    You will cry...at one point something will trigger that and you will cry. I will send you a message about the rest...I love you my dear!

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THETURTLEBEAR 9/27/2011 12:18PM

    I have one word for you: Alanon. Because underneath it all, that's what's going on. Everything else just stems from that. His emotional state is based on that, and yours is based on his. Take it a day at a time. Find a meeting (and support) for YOU. They have groups for teens too.

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    Wow, that's a lot to handle! I feel for you, and hope things work out okay. Sounds like you've got a good relationship with your daughters, which is wonderful. Don't feel bad about not crying - everyone responds in their own way, and I'm sure you're trying to stay sane, so you weren't ready to let go.
Take care, girl. I'll be thinking of you!

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LEAELLEN07 9/27/2011 11:59AM

    I can't really form a sentence together that doesn't sound silly and trite. You are strong and you are loved. emoticon

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BAKER1009 9/27/2011 11:55AM

    Oh honey, what a weekend!! I sure hope you are still managing to hold up okay. Sometimes I think we realize that letting go is just the best thing to do. As hard as it is, it can also come as a sense of relief. I know you've told me about these issues before, so it was just a long time coming, right?
My ex and I spent a long time being miserable while trying to keep each other happy. When we finally decided to call it quits, we acted much in the manner that you two are now. Life goes on...you are right!
I'm here for you, always!


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