Friday, October 21, 2011
I never cried.
My body tries...it lingers in the back of my eyelids, always waiting like an emotion of multiple personalities. Never really knowing who is in charge, but ready to act when it finds out. I go for days emotionally drained; physically ready to cry, but emotionally too pissed off to care. It's very confusing.
I wish I could explain it.
You see, for the past decade I have been the good girl. The wife who stood by her angry, alcoholic man. The one who would never give up because it just wasn't right to do so.
So now that he gave up on me on a whim...I think "what the hell?!" What gives him this right? I stayed. Even when I thought for sure it was time to end all I stayed...and now, he says things like "I haven't filed yet...until YOU decide to fix it" I get angry...so angry....why?
Should I have ended it so long ago? Every fiber of my being says no and I think that's why Ifeel like I am supposed to hurt....but I have programed myself to never be hurt by him again...so I can't...I can't hurt...I just sit and stare and think...how can this be. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
The government in its infinite financial widsom decided to FINALLY give me a raise on Social Security disability in January. Finally. three years and I finally get a 3.5 % raise in Januray to "match cost of living" Problem is they forgot to tell the apartment companies so that 3.5 that I get in JANUARY put me over the income restriction for the apartments NOW. Unless I have another baby I'm rich...isn't that crazy?? So now not only have I become a woman who was "dumped", I just became a financial nightmare "statistic". Lovely. A single mom raising kids on disability who got denied for her apartment,
That led me to another delimma. He is in Guam...he wants to get back together in 6 months only there are no apartments. I just applied for a cute little (tiny) duplex that wants a year lease. But, it is 3 bedrooms for 900 a month and it's new and cute. I took it...well, I applied for it. I know he will be angry and I feel like "who cares? HE put me here!!"
I hate this...I hate feeling like this...ask anyone, it's not me. I'm "ignore the bad to promote the good" Fate takes us where we need to be....so ....where is it taking me and my girls??
I am so tired.
I'm tired of trying to figure out what he means when he says "I haven't filed yet...it's up to YOU...You fix the schedule, but I'm gonna get wasted in Guam until then ok?" like a small child in a tantrum holding a vice grip over my heart. What exactly am I suppsed to do?? Give in to the ultimatum or ... wait, wait... I say...wait...it wasn't supposed to be this way!
I was living my own life with an alcoholic. I didn't realize that he'd figure it out and feel alone. I didn't realize that he'd turn it back on me...somehow, it became my fault and I feel it. I'm guilty...and now I'm looking at a tiny 1000 sq ft place behind a factory that might work... and think..."I did it wrong"
I watch a movie about couples and I laugh..."they lie" I say to myself...love is a facade and yet I feel so incredibly jealous when I see my cousins be so sweet to their spouses on Facebook. It's not real, I tell myself...but then I see my besties with their boyfriends honey sweet..."gross" I say in slight twinge of jealousy...knowing in my heart the men will turn...it happens.
but does it?
There are men who geniunely look at their wives and TALK to them? Since when? Are they fake? really? I don't belive it....I wish I did, but I can't...I've never seen it so it must not be real.
My Human Development teacher asked us who we feared the most when something bad happens....I listed him....the class laughed....it wasn't funny cuz it was true.
All these things linger and I think...he just thinks we'll be better in 6 months? He thinks because HE said so we'll be better in 6 months?? and I wonder if I really want it anymore... or even if I care...
do I care?
My emotions say nothing. It's just what they do...I start to dream a bad dream and wake up, I think a bad thought and it disappears...many years of my mother's authoritarian scare blocks all possiblilities of emotion out. It's better to feel nothing at all than emit an ounce of pain. Ever.
But I do... I care about three girls...It was all I ever wanted in life was to be a momma. And not just a momma....but a GOOD momma. and I have been...so seeing what I see and knowing what I know I can't help but to feel bitter than he doesn't want to be a daddy, that he is angry because I don't spend enough time with him..
I am angry that he can't see past that. I hate when he says my realationship with my oldest is "unhealthy" because we get along.
I don't like feeling sick all the time and the tears lingering in the back of my eyeballs with my heart so solid and cold.
but I don't care.
As long as I never grow bitter I don't care....I will continue being the momma I want to be. Anything else is just...well, petty.
I'm hoping to hear back from the duplex tomorrow...it's a 1 year lease and not 6 months as hubby was hoping for. But, at this point...it's about surviving anymore, right? It's about me and three beautiful girls...
he put me on hold...he put US on hold...to prove a point.
and I hate him for that.
I wish I could cry now...
Thursday, October 06, 2011
Well bummer...I gained back the weight I had lost. I kinda knew I was gonna. I hadn't been tracking at all, fitness is pretty non-existent and let's face it, the stress level was through the roof.
I didn't realize how much our bodies contain our "stress levels" (such an overused word I feel) until I went to the docs today. I have been feeling nauseaus since last weekend and my kidneys have been giving me grief again. I went in to get back on my anti biotics when they mentioned I had a low grade fever. Pretty typical, weight was going down since I last saw him (wooo hoooo) and oh, blood pressure is elevated.
Now, I looked at her puzzled and said "well, I do have some stress going on. Could that be it?" She said probably and had me uncrossed my legs...it went even higher. something over 107?? I dunno.
I dunno much about this other than whenever I had them take my blood pressure before it was always too low. So, to skip "normal" altogether and go straight to high...well, it's a little concerning. I will go back in two weeks to make sure I can mellow my body out some.
How to do that?
Breaking out the vids. I had them packed as I was going to hold off until we moved into our new apartments, but....I think I may need to let my body release some steam and sweat. Maybe even look into some meditation or something. Anybody know about meditation ?? email me.
I'm pretty sure my eating habits have failed miserably too. For example, 3 bags of fritos and a diet pepsi do NOT constitute a full meal for the day! I know better than this!!
So..time to snap out of this!
SNAP NOT SLAP!!
well, maybe a slap...but don't hurt the face!!
Okay, ramblin on....we have a storage pod thingie coming tomorrow to load up the garage. Hubby got his place and the girls and I picked out ours. So far everything is still very amicable and we both seem to have the "intention" that this is just temporary and we will be back together in 6 months... Kaiser doesn't cover counseling which stinks so we are looking about $125 a session. UGH!! But, upon the advice of my Sparkies and my bestie, the girls and I will be attending Alanon. My D1 got the info for that. Everyone (with the exception of my one meanie) has been UUUBBER supportive and loving and haven't taken sides so thank you thank you thank you :o) I can't thank everyone enough.
Girls and I are trying to figure out how to get the party couch hot pink. I'm looking at maybe having a hot pink slipcover made for it. I have an estimate of about $400. (hot pink microfiber...oh yeah!!)
I guess that's about it for today. Going to go finish up the kitchen, pack a few more things.. make dinner, take D3 to cheer, and work on Algeblah.
Oh ... and work out. thinking Hip Hop Abs and maybe I could use a little abuse from Jillian. Haven't decided yet really... I will let you know tomorrow!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Ever have those days that you have to force yourself to make better?
I woke up at 175 today. I stared at the scale knowing this was something I should rejoice but the weekend has left me numb to emotion. It started years ago, but for blogging purposes I will take you to Saturday morning.
I use this blog as a diary, so to speak. Many of us do. It's our emotions and mental awareness that helps us push ourselves, or consumes our emotional eating. Saturday morning I woke up to 179.9.
I had been struggling with the 179/180 and I knew it was due to stress. Ah, that lovely word we all hear and try to desperately to ignore. I tried to and it caught up with me.
My daughters and I had a day planned for Saturday. We were to take D2 to her dance class and then hit a baby shower 1.14 hours away in Stockton, then come back and I would take hubby out to dinner since I had been stood up for a couple of date nights now due to time, money etc.
Hubby, as we put it, was in "one of his moods" and so we asked "do you want us to cancel the shower" ? He had been complaining that there was no time for him and although we had been trying to accomodate, it isn't enough. He said nothing so we left...I knew I knew then. I've known for a while. I took D2 to dance and we headed to Stockton. When we got there it was a pizza place and everyone was gone with the new Mom packing her car.
"you missed it" she said kinda irritated
"impossible!" I said "I have 15 minutes of oogle time and the party never starts til we arrive anyhows!"
We gave her the gifts, told her to schedule delivery in Modesto (2 hours from us) on such and such date as we had to be there for D3 cheer. She smiled and she left. The girls and I ordered a pizza and watched Washington State kick California's butt in Football. Being from Washington, we cheered...the waitress hands us pizza and ask "you like Washington?"
"yup lived there forever"
when a very tatoo'd, bald man turned and said "I'm a Raider's fan"
My poor D1 turned white. We had just experienced shootings between Raiders/49ers in SF and we are in what my husband calls the ghetto of cali (I grew up here, sorry) LOL so yeah, she turned colors. I laughed and we continued to eat...cheering a little more silently.
I got up to go to the bathroom and mowed over a small child. Man, I need to remember my cane. She was okay cept I "hurt her butt" .... after apologizing to her Dad 1,000 times and coming back to the booth to 3 hysterically laughing girls we decided it was time to go.
As we had to go through Sacramento anyhows to get back home and my brother lives in Sacramento we decided to invade his house. We chatted a bit, laughed and visited when I reminded the girls I had a date night.
We drove home to a very somber person..I looked and there was another bottle gone. I sighed as I knew date night was out of the question. He went for a smoke and I followed.
"I'm leaving for Washington tomorrow" he simply states to me and my 12 year old D3.
"oh, I see" I said ... having heard this many a times before. "so no date night again tonight?"
"yup. going to go pack now. I'm done"
the "I'm done" is his favorite line when drinking, by the way.
D3 ran upstairs crying and I was not going to let this ruin our already good day. "Girls, let's go" I said and texted back my brother "we're invading you for the night" I wrote.
As we got into the car he asked "where is my pistol?" I looked at him "you're kidding right? you want me to tell you in your frame of mind?"
"I'm not gonna do anything but pack it"
"well, then I'll ship it UPS but you are not getting it...I'm leaving for the night and will see you in the morning."
"I won't be here"
"uh huh, sure dear" and we left.
The girls and I went to the fountains. Just for a walk. It was pretty and the weather was a perfectly cool night. I tried taking a couple of pics of the jazz band playing but it was too dark. My D1 bought us all gelatto and the youngest asked.
"do you think he's leaving?"
"no. but we have to." They all looked at me. I, too, had said this many a times. But, in my heart of hearts I knew as I stood there looking at the fountains just beyond our picture being taken, that this time; it was true.
When we got to my brother's house I explained quickly what was going on. I really don't delve into my problems so they really had no idea what was going on when my phone chirped that I had a voice mail. It was my MIL very angry demanding that I "get those girls back in the car and deal with this GD problem!!"
then about 10 minutes later I received another voicemail:
"So, I talked to the family (his mom) and my Mom said I couldn't leave and we're gonna split the bank and so which bedroom do you want?"
I turned off the phone and went to bed.
The next morning I was sick....I mean really really sick. I didn't want to explode the downstairs bathroom so I looked at D1 and whispered "I'm going upstairs to use that potty"
Have you ever seen Dumb and Dumber? You know what's WORSE that that situation? Having had JUST talked about that when
"Um...mom....the toilet's broken in there"
I'm pretty sure I lost the five pounds in there. I'm pretty sure my brother will never invite me back.
It was awkward arriving at home as I knew it would be. My stomache tossed and turned some more. I went to say something when:
"We are going to get separate places. If in 6 months or whatever we come to our senses then, we'll go from there."
"ok" I said
the rest of the day was actually.......great. We talked, said "I love you" looked for apartments together, discussed how to sort things, who wanted what. No one would claim the bird, and we even had sex...then discussed that neither one of us had intentions of dating and how were weekends? It was so strange and surreal...like I was in a dream only it kept going and there were no flying above trees.
"Are you nervous?" I asked "I mean, we've been together since I was 16...what do I do if I don't have you being miserable?" I could see him thinking "I guess try to be happy" he said.
I looked at him as a human for once and wondered. It was weird to see him that way as I just haven't tried to see him at all in the past what feels like 10 years.
The phone rang and it was my brother in law, Doyle. I listened to the phone call and after I hung up stared at it...
"what is it?" hubby asked
His ex wife had overdosed on herionne the night before. They found her body. Their 2 girls were devastated.
I tossed the phone on the couch. "she's dead" and walked away.
Why couldn't I cry? Shouldn't I be crying with the impending separation and horrible death. Why was everything so foggy yet so vividly clear? I scolded myself internally for not crying. Where were the tears? Am I an evil person for not feeling anything??? Remorse? Guilt? something??!?? and why were we getting along better NOW as we hunt for apartments and plan counseling and he plans on buying his own house and...why are we, dare I say it, happy?
So as I stand on the scale this morning, clearly 5 pounds lighter and exhausted from the weekend I think. I really am as unemotional as my D1 used to accuse me of. My mind ponders the days activities ahead. I have to make 100 pounds of potato salad today, read Acts II and III of Shakesphere for class, D2 has dance, and life goes on.
Monday, September 19, 2011
I'm just extremely exhausted.
More mentally than physically.
But if I become exhausted physically, maybe I won't be mentally.
hmmm...things to ponder for Monday.
Is it Friday yet?
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