Monday, February 20, 2012
Ok, so This past week was a tough one to say the least. First of all Because of the holiday I had been given all sorts of goodies from my very loving family that shows love with food!
Then, I was an emotional wreck and feeling very hurt and that is a huge weakness for me. I still tracked my food but made bad choices.
I did not feel like doing as much cardio as I needed to.
We ate away from home a lot and ended up eating two very very very unhealthy meals.
So I gained at least 2 pounds back...
I feel pretty bad about being that reckless, I turned a free day into a free week.
I have got to find away to not let my emotions get the best of me.
We went out on saturday and I drank a lot, and for me who only drinks like 4 times a year. It was a LOT....
I forgave and gave into my hubby as well, it was a passionate weekend to say the least. I am still very hurt by his actions, and have a serious lack of trust for him. I am not sure that I will ever be able to fully trust him again. It takes years to build trust and seconds to loose it all. But as a very emotional person I tend to give in to the love that I have and will always have for him. He has hurt me a lot of times. I just can't loose hope that the man I fell in love with is still in there somewhere. I am not letting him off that easy though, His actions will have to match his promises.
School is getting tough, I did not do as well on my philosophy test as I thought. I am having some trouble in math and will have a midterm coming soon. I am so scared that I will not pass math. I want to graduate so much.
So last week was not so good. BUt last night, I stocked up on lots of fruit and veggies and plan to be extra strict this week. I hit the gym yesterday and did 35 mins on elliptical and burned more than usual. I am ready to dig my way out of this hole and ready to make this week a better week!
I CAN DO THIS! I can do this right?
Monday, February 13, 2012
Valentines Day used to be so hard, Then I found my husband and It was wonderful. But somehow in the 7 years we have been married I just don't feel it anymore. I don't feel appreciated, or loved. I just don't.
Over the years we have been through counseling, and therapy, and done workshops. He has betrayed my trust so many times I really just don't know If I can still fight for us.
I feel that I am the only one fighting, he just does what he wants whether it hurts or not.
We have been through so much together so many losses and so many hardships. I thought they would only make us stronger but It seems to have had the opposite effect.
He has an addiction, I will not say anything more than that. He refuses to do what he knows is the only thing that will get him to stop. Get help! He is constantly breaking the trust I have built every time I build it. It is not just the addiction itself that hurts me but the constant lying and manipulation. The disrespect towards me. I really am scared because I really am so lost now. I feel alone and just hurt. The other day I called him on the way from school, he said to take my time getting home and I said please don't hurt me I need to be able to trust you., we have come this far please don't break it again. He said I won't do that to you again. Well later after I got home I just new. After the entire night of denials and lies he finally said" I was doing it when you called me. Then after I hung up and talked with you I still did it". How can he care for me, how can he love me? and lie strait to me like that and then after I plead to him not to hurt me still do it?
I have told him all along That trust is huge for me, I was hurt when I was younger by someone and it has scared me for life. I told him I could not marry him if he was going to do this. He said he would stop. Since then I have supported him, stood by him and helped him through therapy, counselling and so many other attempts. I have stood by him and forgotten about me. I have fallen deeper and deeper into this sadness, low self worth each time he has betrayed me.
When I was looking through the Valentines Cards this year I had t o read them all, I could not find one card that was valid. All the husband cards said words like, honesty, eyes only for me, trust, open, we are a team, caring, supportive, passionate, selfless... none of these are my husband, not anymore.
I have been working on me for a few months now, finishing school, trying to get healthier, getting stronger, and I have realized that I have self worth, I am a giving caring and loving person that deserves better.
Today, I told him that if I am going to stay married to him he needs to do what he knows he needs to do to stop this. He said "you want me to give up something I enjoy," It is like we never had any treatment, counseling or therapy ever before. He is back at square one all over again. I am not strong enough to do this again.
I have been through so so much, with being so sick, losing my father,3 miscarriages, infertility, and what happened to me when I was younger.
I only have fight left for me. Energy left for me, I will no longer love enough for the both of us, I will no longer let him lie to me, I will no longer accept empty promises. I deserve better.
Futuredad is my husband, he doesnt get it, he doesn't think that he is loosing me. He still thinks that he can do what he wants lie to me and deceive me. Maybe he doesn't care. either way if he doesn't get help, and get rid of it. He doesn't get to keep me, no more hurt for me I am done.
Sorry that this is not a happy blog, But I just don't have anyone to talk to and I feel alone. I feel so hurt and alone.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sometimes we forget how lucky we are. We have goals and hopes and wishful thinking. We want something so bad that each time it doesn't happen we get discouraged and we lose faith. We start thinking that our life is not what we wanted. Or that we have been left behind. When we lose things that mean the world to us, or have devoted our lives to achieve and then for whatever reason it becomes beyond our reach, it hurts. Our emotions, our soul takes over, it is such a force that our body can't contain it and so we cry.
But what if we think about this, in a world full of billions of people your parents found each other, fell in love and out of a million eggs and a billion sperm you were the one that made it. It really makes you think doesn't it? When we forget our sense of wonder and focus only on a couple of things, we miss out on life. We miss out on the beauty of life and that it is in fact a gift in itself.
My life has been one obstacle after another, at times it seems that Things never go as I want them to. But by being here at all I was already given a very beautiful gift. I found my husband out of all those billion people. I had the greatest man as a father and the most loving and giving mother and family. All Gifts!
When we don't see these things and don't appreciate life, we are reminded, That without pain and loss and suffering, and without fear and anxiety and shattered dreams. I am afraid that it would be easy for all of us to lose track of wonder.
The other night my mother became very ill, she became disoriented and was very sick. When I looked into her eyes she looked right through me. For those moments she did not recognize me. She was so very sick, my family and I were so afraid. For that moment the thought crossed my mind that my strong always healthy and courageous mother is actually as fragile as anyone else. I was scared that someday I might lose her. She came to and we took her to get checked out at the ER and she is doing very well now. But, when things like this happen it makes you value life more and find that sense of wonder again.
When you watch a Childs eyes light up over something that you see every day and take for granted, like the lights in a ceiling fan you can catch a glimpse of wonder. Watch a baby look at her surroundings in amazement and wonder.
There are beautiful gifts all around us.
Things will not always go as you want them to. Sometimes things will just plain suck. But always try to remember that even then, it is still a gift, and a beautiful gift at that. Always try to appreciate the good and the bad for without one you would never be able to appreciate the other. Never be afraid of change or surprises because without them we would never be caught off guard and become breathless. We would never be reminded of that wonder we call life.
Friday, January 20, 2012
I had left spark people for several months. I missed quite a bit during my absence. I wanted to let you all know I feel bad for just giving up like that. Things were so hard for me with school and infertility and I was not dieting at all in fact I was down right being bad when it came to food. Sometimes things that we do make no sense. But I missed great news, and special occasions. I missed sad times and great reasons to celebrate.
All of you have been such a support to me and Now that I am back on here I just wanted to say thank you. As well as sorry for missing out on your lives. I wish everyone the best. I am not always very good at getting on here and commenting on things because school gets the best of me. Well school and life in general. I am going to try to put some time aside, some me time and Hope to be able to be more supportive you you all as you have for me.
We are all on this ride together, whether some of us get off one stop and then back on at a later station. We are all hoping and dreaming about the same goals, whether its good health, baby wishes, looking great in a bathing suit, moving forward with school goals, or just feeling sexy again.
We can do this! Lets prove it to ourselves! We can get there together!
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