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Just because you're turned around, it doesn't mean you're totally lost

Thursday, July 19, 2012

It・s been a rough 2 months. After a year of weight loss, I・ve somehow slid back into the old territory of big-time bingeing. Ice cream pints, pizzas, awoke the monster. I even stopped tracking for weeks, which has been my one constant up to this point (no matter how bad it gets).

So I・m starting fresh, recommitting to tracking, exercise, and eating reasonably in order to squash the binges. For now, I don・t even need to stay narrowly within my nutrition ranges. The first goal is to be stable enough to gradually step down to my nutrition goals.

I・m doing all of this resolutely. But at the same time, for the past year my focus has been patience and squashing the all-or-nothing attitude. I・m a little hesitant to use this as my day 1, my :new beginning,; because I・m trying to balance that notion of failure. So maybe I・m on a continuum, and right now just happen to be at the bottom. The nice thing is knowing that it・s not even the very bottom. That was a year ago at 275, crying on my couch, with change an unreachable, unfathomable concept.

I was doing so well for the first 9 months that I thought I might avoid the dreaded plateau. Or maybe I had hit it, and just didn・t recognize it (she says un-knowingly)? It turns out the plateau arrived in style, January-July. The fluctuating ten pounds. And it sat on my stoop, just daring me to try and get past. But the problem is, when I sat with the plateau for a few months, I headed toward the land of :is it worth it to try?; It wasn・t even very conscious. Slowly, healthy meals turned into less, and my body re-discovered how delicious my old triggers are. Or at least how easily they cause me to spiral out of control. Can Haagen-Daz please just stop making Dulce deLeche? Now I・m definitely in the pit again, where I need to re-train my body that it is satisfied with clean, healthy foods at reasonable amounts. Thankfully I think I recognize the signs better this time around, and I know it・s possible. I・ve gained back ten pounds. It・s just hard.

:It・s so hard.; Why does such a little phrase encompass so much? In my self-searching moments, I・ve definitely realized that I・ve made it 33 years without working very hard at anything. And so now, this big hurdle of health/food/weight is the thing. The thing that・s hard, but if I give up it・ll be even worse. You can change jobs, find new friends, move to new placesK but this is my body. Whoa.

So I guess this is my re-commitment to finding greatness in myself, and my body.
Realizing that just by saying this aloud and admitting what・s happening to me shows that I・ve found new tools in the past year.

It just happens that I need to do that right now by reigning in what I eat, and finding balance there again. No, finding SATISFACTION there.
So much of my mental problem seems to come back to really thinking that the binge foods are better. Will make me feel better. And it・s never true, but it・s sure hard to convince my brain of that in the heat of the moment.

And yup, I can finally see that my binges are pretty emotional. This portion of the journey might just need to be called :How to tackle the emotional crap now that you・ve learned the basics of food and that it works.;
That・s a post for another day.

But this is where I・m at, thoughts aloud in writing. And sometimes we just need to say it out loud

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BARRISTER2011 7/19/2012 11:19PM

  Thank you for sharing because I needed to read this today! emoticon

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DAZZEEDOO 7/19/2012 3:41PM

    emoticon back!

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one day at a time.
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SPARKLISE 7/19/2012 3:24PM

    Writing seems to help me alot.
Hopefully you will get over this little bump in the road in no time!
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It's the little things

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

I expected to watch the scale. To take my measurements and see them change. And to go down in dress sizes if I was successful.

But somehow the unexpected things are so much more fun and meaningful.

I took a link out of my watch today.
Wow, even my wrists are smaller. It's a little big joy :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WILSHAR7 12/8/2011 9:15AM

    Isn't that the BEST feeling of all? To know that you are losing inches and have to buy smaller things? I lost 45 lbs. and even my fingers are smaller. i never used to be able to take my rings off in the summer, now I can. I went from a size 16 to a size 6f and I'm still losing inches!! What a GREAT feeling!!
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ADJQUILTER 12/7/2011 8:53PM

    I can relate to that. I was able to wear an opal ring that my dear husband gave me years ago, that didn't fit before I lost weight. I almost cried from joy!
Congratulations on your victory!

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