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Help, Please!

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Have you ever been in a situation of your own device that renders you feeling completely embarrassed and ashamed? That's where I am today. I've struggled with my weight my entire life. I've been overweight as far back as I can remember.

In 2004, I underwent bariatric surgery to assist with weight loss. I did incredibly well for about 4 years. I went from 382 pounds in 2004 down to 196 pounds in 2008. In January 2008, my hubby and I went through a separation. By May of that year, we'd moved back in together. Soon after, things went back to the way they were before. I coped with this by testing my limits, pushing the limits, and finally shattering the limits of the amount of food my smaller stomach would hold. I started drinking soda again, I started eating foods that contained a lot of fat and sugar again. Amazingly, I suffer very little dumping syndrome, so that hasn't served as a deterrent to my self-destructive behavior.

From July 2008 to the present, I have gained back up to 273 pounds. I'm incredibly discouraged, embarrassed, and ashamed that I have allowed this to happen. To add to that shame, my father gave me the "talk" about my weight this weekend. He reminded me that when I'm in my 50's the weight is going to take a much greater toll on my well-being. Heck, it's already taking a toll on me. I hurt constantly from the weight. That's compounded by the rheumatoid arthristis that I've been recently diagnosed with. I can't believe how much it hurts...and to think that I'm still over 100 pounds lighter than I was when I started! If I allow myself to gain any more weight, I'm afraid that I'll altogether lose the will to live.

I've been involved with SparkPeople on and off in the past. My friend Beth is a spark FANATIC! She has lost over 130 pounds with the help of Sparkpeople. So, finally, I've pulled my head out of the sand and decided that it's time to get back to sparking! I don't know where to begin, so I'm beginning at the BEGINNING again. I'm going to start changing one small thing at a time and continue adding on to that as I can. I'm hoping that I can do this. I felt so good when I'd gotten down below 200 pounds... and it hurts so much again now... I've gotta lose this weight again. I realize that I will never be a skinny person, and that's okay with me. But I need to be healthy so that I will be able to see my son grow up.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom, encouragement, or advice? I could really use it now. Thanks so much!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMJUSTFLUFFY 3/13/2011 12:35PM

    I sure can identify...with your feelings here! I ate 2 quarter pounders yesterday! Talk about feeling like I was a worthless loser afterwards!
So, today I'm studying you gals to try to get me in the groove! I am so tired of being a YO YO!!! I'm 60 years old, and do not want to lose the use of my joints! And I'm under constant threat of that! I usually can ignore the pain but how much longer?
Well, I'm starting a new day! Today! Yo Yo BEGONE!
Rhonda emoticon

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~INDYGIRL 9/9/2010 12:42PM

    Bopsy, I just want you around as long as possible. You are still a success with over 100 pounds lost! Just add to that success.

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CLEMENTINE72 9/7/2010 11:18PM

  Just don't feel alone...I too have a father who lectures about my weight. I am 45 and have decided to do the bariatric surgery. Everyone is against me in my family but I am determined to do what I feel is best for me. If you continue to remember how good you felt at your lowest weight 4 years ago, you will be able to do what you must do. Remember the feeling of being pain free and feeling at your best. Take it one day at a time and you will get the "spark" you need to put one foot in front of the other and get the weight off. I wish you the best and we are here to support you. emoticon

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    Thank you all for your encouraging words and ideas! I don't know about you, but sometimes I forget that I'm not alone and that everyone is indeed in the very same boat. Thank you for the reminder and the encouragement!! You guys are fabulous!!

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    As someone who has lost and regained (twice), I do feel your pain. Sometimes it's very difficult not to take on those feelings of failure and hopelessness, but you just have to put those feelings aside. As long as you're here and you're still trying, you're NOT a failure. You're only a failure if you give up, permanently, and I can tell by your blog that you haven't done that.

I thought I was the only woman in my 50's who got a lecture from her father about my weight and how I wasn't taking care of myself. How humiliating! I know he meant well, but that wasn't what made me decide to try again. I had to reach that point of readiness on my own, in my own time, and for my own reasons. You have every reason in the world to want your health back. Our reasons might be different, but one of my chief ones is that my body is simply in pain at this weight. I've lost so much mobility and energy toting around these extra pounds. It doesn't get easier as I age. It's not so much about looking a certain way, for me, it's about feeling a certain way.

I've just had to realize that continuing on the same old path of junk-eating and inactivity and WISHING I wasn't so heavy wasn't going to work. I had to become willing to make some changes. I knew what they were; after all, I'd done this before. I just needed to make up my mind that I COULD do it, that I didn't need to let my previous history of yo-yoing define me or my future.

SparkPeople's idea about taking baby steps and achieving small streaks really works for me. When you have a bunch of pounds to lose, looking at the whole of it can be overwhelming. Looking at all the things that need to change in your lifestyle can seem like an insurmountable task. It could keep some people (like me) from even starting. But you know what? I can pick one or two things that I think are doable for me and focus on that until I feel like I've got a grasp on them, and then add another one or two things.

I hope that's been helpful, but know also that we are all in this together, and the other piece of all this is just reaching out, connecting with others, and knowing you're not alone.

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NUTCASE68 9/7/2010 1:53PM

    My dr. told me I had to lose weight or I would become a full blown diabetic. I go to Sam's club and buy the 6 pound bag of frozen fruit. It has mangos, peaches, strawberries and pineapple in it. I defrost that and eat a lot of that. Where I live fresh fruit ripens and rots real fast. This way I always have fruit in the house. They also have a mixed berry blend of blackberries, raspberries and blueberries. I don't remember what the berries cost, but the other mixed fruit is $8.95. It is fast and always on hand. that is what is helping me. I just put it on defrost in the nuke for a little while until it is no longer hard, but still cold. I have lost 55 pounds so far. I just recently joined spark. If I can do it, you can do it. emoticon

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BUG212 9/7/2010 1:49PM

    Welcome back! I recently just came back as well. Take it one day at a time. You are going to do great! emoticon

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Post Christmas, Post Surgery Blues....reversed by ~Indygirl!!!

Monday, December 29, 2008

In November, after having met all my insurance deductibles and having enough money in my health savings account to cover it, I scheduled a "routine" hernia repair surgery, as one of the common side effects of weight loss surgery is an incisional hernia. The routineness of the hernia repair came to an end when I got another common side effect of surgery, an infection. After rounds of two different antibiotics, and finally draining a large amount of infected fluid off my abdomen, it was determined that I have MRSA. MRSA is commonly thought of as a viral infection. However, it is not at all a virus. It is a bacterial infection that is resistant to many penicillin-based antibiotics. There are different types of this infection. In my situation, the surgeon went back in and took out the infected mesh that was used to repair the hernial originally. He replaced the mesh with a biologic mesh, taken from a cow. The incision was left open this time, and now I'm attached 24/7 to a thing called a wound vac, a miracle of modern medicine. With the wound vac, a medical sponge is inserted into the wound and covered with an air-tight adhesive and a tube attached to a vacuum to suck out the fluid that the wound creates (it truly is amazing, even if I am resentful of being attached to it at all times). In addition to the wound vac, I also have to take intravenous vancomycin (a very strong, broad spectrum antibiotic) twice a day. With any luck, this will all end by January 8, 2009.

My day took a real turn when I read my email this afternoon. My BFF, Indygirl~ was featured as today's motivator, I was so filled with pride!!! She is the best friend a person could ever have! She is also a very motivating force in my life. She's fantastic! She's one of the strongest people I've ever met. If you talk to her, she would completely deny this...as would most people that other people see as heroic in their lives. I see ~Indygirl and everything she goes through on a daily basis...she has lost over 100 pounds all on her own....no surgeries, no pills, nothing except sheer willpower and willingness to make changes in her everyday choices. I am so in awe of her that it makes me sick that I sit here and feel sorry for myself!!!! How dare I do that??? She has issues that limit her mobility and I can walk freely with the exception of my wound vac, that will be off of me with any luck early next year. ~Indygirl is exceptional, and she has motivated me today to stop feeling sorry for myself, to pick myself up, dust myself off and move forward with life and with weight loss. I've known ~Indygirl for 20+ years now, and we've been through good and bad together. We will conquer this weight loss thing together, too! YOU GO, ~INDYGIRL!!! I am so honored to know you and count you among the best blessings that I've been so mercifully given!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

~INDYGIRL 12/29/2008 5:05PM

    Awwww! You are too sweet. You know I don't have willpower, I just avoid things that make me want to eat them lol. I'm glad to be your inspiration, but you are mine. You took charge and went all Barbie on me, so I had to get my life back to keep up with you.

Besides, we have to be skinny b*tches at the drive in this year lol.

Comment edited on: 12/29/2008 5:07:13 PM

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MOMOF6BOYS 12/29/2008 4:37PM

    Keep up that great attitude and you will be off like Indygirl!!! Hernia surgery.... oh, I remember mine!!! My surgery was routine and I hated every little detail of it. I would definitely take the 6 c-sections I had over one hernia surgery...

I hope this last repair has the BEST results for you and you get back on your way to your routine and weight loss!!!

Here's to a great New Year and excellent healing!

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