Monday, September 22, 2014
I've been hiding in my box of shame.
How did I allow myself to get this way? I've become that old fat lady walking with a cane.
I know that I have an injury, but I also know that this injury was caused because of my weight. Ten years ago, I was diagnosed with arthritis in my knee. And what have I done about it? Nothing. My weight kept going up adding insult to injury until I can't walk on it without pain and a cane. The doctor even used the word -- walker.
Now to complicate things further, I can't have any procedures done to fix my knee until my A1c gets into check. Another thing that I have known about for several years and again, I've not done anything to help myself.
Will I be saying the same thing when I get neuropathy and my foot needs to be amputated? I'd done nothing to help myself?
Facing the limitations of having to rely on a cane has been somewhat eye opening, but also somewhat eye closing. If I close my eyes, it will go away, right? I can "wish" things back to normal, can't I?
It has been difficult for me to walk for some time. I ignored it. Found ways to get around it. Made excuse after excuse why I couldn't improve it. I stuck my head into the sand and hoped it would all go away.
It hasn't gotten better, only worse. It was never "tomorrow". It was just indifference.
I've stepped away from SP for a few days. I've needed to concentrate on me. My apologies to my wonderful FSC team and I beg your patience and forgiveness as I try to find my way back. I don't want to put on a happy face and pretend that all is ok, because it isn't.
The pain meds are helping me to move around a little easier and I only have to go to the office when absolutely necessary. I can work from home the rest of the time. However, that being said, I have my work cut out for me if I'm ever going to make things better.
I'm working on the physical items:
** I'm testing 3-5 times a day to make sure my blood sugars are in check.
** I'm keeping a log for my doctor logging my food and meds
** I'm finishing up my home "remove chaos" project -- paint and carpet are in the works
What I need to work on most is my head. It is a very complex place and I don't want to get lost in it.
I will find my way back out, I promise. I just need a little time to figure it out.