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Guilty again!!!

Friday, July 01, 2011

Here is sit broken hearted again. Let me start out by saying my husband and I have suffered with infertility issues for 16 yrs now. So when I finished chatting, on facebook, with my sister in VA I found myself in a mood. She is pregnant yet again. This is her third time getting pregnant but she has had two miscarriages. This baby's daddy is the same guy who dumped her last year when she was carrying his twins. This guy is a real piece of work. He has never met the family in the 1 yr they have dated. He only sees her one day a week. She is not allowed to mention his name or post pictures of them together on FB. Which makes no since to me because he posts plenty of himself on his page. None of this sounds right to me. The more I hear the more I think he is married or attached to someone. But I am supposed to play the good sister and be happy for her. Be supportive when she says she's worried about being a single a parent. I told her I was sorry for her situation and I would pray for her...but what I really wanted to say is "What did you think was going to happen? Why didn't you think?" She has been trying to have a baby since she was 16. It doesn't matter how many boyfriends she has tried with. I just don't understand how she can conceive so easily by being irresponsible and responsible us can't. I hate feeling hurt and then feeling guilty for hurting. Everyone thinks I have lost my faith in God. I haven't lost faith...I'm just trying to accept reality. I'm tired of hiding my feelings. I want to hurt and grieve the loss of a dream without appologizing or defending myself. I have been spoon fed every line of worldly wisdom for 16 yrs. It makes me feel like a child that needs something but someone pats me on my head and says now run along and play while the adults talk. The need was never heard or provided. I wish people would respect my feelings and not try to smooth everything over with the well worn out good advice of "In His Time". I know God does things in His time. But what if His time never comes? Why do people think you don't have faith if you accept reality? Sooner or later I'll have to let go and I will deal with everything in better way. But for tonight...I am guilty again!!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRIFFYNDOR 7/19/2011 10:49AM

    This hit so close to home. I am a teacher and during my first infertility journey, I would see h.s. girls pregnant. Big girls, skinny girls, girls who were excited and had done it on purpose and girls who thought their lives were ruined. The worst day though was when I discovered that my dog had had puppies. I would not have been shocked or felt like god were laughing at me had I not personally taken her in to be spayed just a year earlier. *sigh* I can laugh now. More recently, my sister got pregnant ON HER FIRST TRY, well first month of trying anyway. She thinks it is so easy and doesn't have any clue what is happening with me.

Long-short, you are not alone. I'm not giving up on getting pregnant until I no longer have the parts needed for pregnancy (hopefully that won't happen anytime soon) until then I will try to hope and work toward being healthy for myself, my partner and my future children. (18 months into the current journey). I have heard too many miracle stories from family and friends to give up now. emoticon

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RSMITH_27 7/1/2011 10:39AM


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ANICOLE08 7/1/2011 3:24AM

  Do not feel guilty. I understand where you are coming from & there is no reason you should feel bad about wanting something & being upset that you can not achieve it yet because of reasons out of your control. I hope everything works out for you & your sister as well. emoticon

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