Friday, July 01, 2011
Here is sit broken hearted again. Let me start out by saying my husband and I have suffered with infertility issues for 16 yrs now. So when I finished chatting, on facebook, with my sister in VA I found myself in a mood. She is pregnant yet again. This is her third time getting pregnant but she has had two miscarriages. This baby's daddy is the same guy who dumped her last year when she was carrying his twins. This guy is a real piece of work. He has never met the family in the 1 yr they have dated. He only sees her one day a week. She is not allowed to mention his name or post pictures of them together on FB. Which makes no since to me because he posts plenty of himself on his page. None of this sounds right to me. The more I hear the more I think he is married or attached to someone. But I am supposed to play the good sister and be happy for her. Be supportive when she says she's worried about being a single a parent. I told her I was sorry for her situation and I would pray for her...but what I really wanted to say is "What did you think was going to happen? Why didn't you think?" She has been trying to have a baby since she was 16. It doesn't matter how many boyfriends she has tried with. I just don't understand how she can conceive so easily by being irresponsible and responsible us can't. I hate feeling hurt and then feeling guilty for hurting. Everyone thinks I have lost my faith in God. I haven't lost faith...I'm just trying to accept reality. I'm tired of hiding my feelings. I want to hurt and grieve the loss of a dream without appologizing or defending myself. I have been spoon fed every line of worldly wisdom for 16 yrs. It makes me feel like a child that needs something but someone pats me on my head and says now run along and play while the adults talk. The need was never heard or provided. I wish people would respect my feelings and not try to smooth everything over with the well worn out good advice of "In His Time". I know God does things in His time. But what if His time never comes? Why do people think you don't have faith if you accept reality? Sooner or later I'll have to let go and I will deal with everything in better way. But for tonight...I am guilty again!!!!