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My kickboxing experience

Monday, June 04, 2012

I had an AWESOME time!!! It was SO much fun and a fantastic workout. I have a couple kick boxing videos, but doing it with a partner in a class was great. I was really nervous about going, so I was really glad that one of my oldest friends agreed to go with me. I was nervous about not being able to do the moves, and being the biggest one there, and getting all sweaty in front of people... I've done Zumba in front of others, so I don't know WHY this was freaking me out.

It was 45 minutes long, and we only did 4 different moves, most of them being leg work. We did them in a circuit fashion in rapid succession and we never stopped moving the whole time, what a workout. I would have loved to sign up for a class, but I just can't justify the cost.

On the way home my friend told me that her husband did martial arts training for about a year and they have ALL the equipment we would ever need to do this ourselves. So, every Monday, I'm going to go down to her place and do a little kick boxing for FREE! She said her hubby would LOVE to help us out and teach us some new moves as well. WooHoo!

If you want a new workout, give kick boxing a try, it's tons of fun and a great workout!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CATDUG19 6/21/2012 10:03AM

    Good for you, for stepping out of your comfort zone. I would love to work up the nerve to do kick boxing so thanks for the inspiration.

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SCOUTMOM715 6/6/2012 10:50PM

    So happy you loved the class and that your friend her hubby offered their place & equipment for free! emoticon emoticon

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MOONBIRD 6/6/2012 3:05PM

    I would really like to take a class! It's so expensive though. I do tae bo and feel like I get a good workout when I do that. I'm glad you had so much fun and have friends that will work out with you.

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KARENDEE4 6/6/2012 11:32AM

    Sounds great!! Also so nice of your friend and friends hubby to help out!!

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CHANGING4ME49 6/6/2012 8:55AM

    You sound like you really enjoyed it! It's great that your friend is able to help you continue on. Kick boxing is on my list of exercises to try too. Hope I like it just as much. Have fun with your new workout!

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BE-THE-CHANGE 6/5/2012 6:40PM

    emoticon

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DATMAMA4 6/5/2012 4:50PM

    I've heard great things about kickboxing. Glad you have a friend who can help you continue a fun new exercise!

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TEMPEST272002 6/5/2012 3:35PM

    Good for you for trying something new. I'd like to try kickboxing one day too. Nice that your friend has all the equipment & her hubby will help train you guys.

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CLPURNELL 6/5/2012 12:03PM

    emoticon

Glad you had such a good time!!!!!

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VLKSHA 6/5/2012 11:19AM

    Way to push your comfort zone and discover fun! So happy you have the support of a great friend!

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NYMORNINGGLORY 6/5/2012 10:46AM

    Sounds like you had a blast! It's always so fun to find a new way to work out - and great that you and your friend were able to figure out a way for both of you to continuing enjoying it! Yay!

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TRACYNOTGIVINUP 6/5/2012 9:52AM

    Thats awesome. I used to love doing Tae Bo, but have been slightly nervous about it with my problems with my knees, but maybe it is time to give some dvds a try. I am glad that you had such a good time.

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DARKLIGHT31 6/5/2012 9:27AM

    Way to go!!

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JMMACKIE 6/5/2012 8:45AM

    Woohoo! You've inspired me to pull out a kickboxing video or two and give it a try!

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LIBELULITA 6/5/2012 7:29AM

    It's wonderful when you find exercise that gets you excited and stoked up so I'm glad you've found something new that you love. look forwards to hearing how you get on with it....and for FREE!! You can't get better than that (although YOU alone are enough reason to justify the cost if needs be). emoticon emoticon

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MADTHENURSE 6/5/2012 7:01AM

    Sounds like fun!! Glad you had a great time!

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PATIB13 6/5/2012 12:38AM

    Way to go!!!! I love kickboxing, especially after a particularly hard day at work . That is great that you have someone to do it with weekly. Keep it up! emoticon

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ADVENTURESEEKER 6/5/2012 12:14AM

    Way to go on the kickboxing class!! I love mine emoticon emoticon

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FOXY13445 6/4/2012 11:04PM

    I tried sooooo hard to be a "gym girl"... and then I found kickboxing too!!! NOTHING COMPARES!!! Except Zumba! muahahahaa love em both

Keep it up!! Aside from doing it for free in your friends basement, I would suggest maybe trying some Jillian Michaels DVD's if you havent already emoticon

She has a whole shlew of different DVDs at walmart and they're only like... $9 a piece. Her background is in kickboxing so she uses a lot of different move combos, worth a try!!

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CHRISKENANDKIDS 6/4/2012 10:29PM

    I'm so proud of you! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my Tae Kwon Do classes and have done one or two kickboxing classes and love those too. They're a GREAT workout. I'm so glad you had fun! You go girl!

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POOKASLUAGH 6/4/2012 10:15PM

    Woohoo! That's awesome! The only kickboxing i've done is Coach Nicole's 10-min video online. It was fun, but I imagine a class would be even better!

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KIBAISREADY 6/4/2012 10:10PM

    GET IT GIRL! emoticon

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MUSICALLYMINDED 6/4/2012 9:58PM

    Get over this fear of being the biggest one! You most certainly weren't at a measly 170-something pounds!! emoticon

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SYCAMOREROSE1 6/4/2012 9:50PM

    So happy you found something you enjoy! It certainly makes activity that much easier and fun too! :)

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Mother's Day Race 2012

Sunday, May 13, 2012

This is the second year the kids, my dad and I did the Mother's Day Race. It's 1/2 mile on the lake and it's just a fun race to do. Everyone gets a ribbon and a chocolate bar from a local candy company when you cross the finish line. Last year, the kids smoked us! Jake ran it in 6:30, Katy in 7:30, and my dad and I came in at 8:20.

2011

This year, we all did a little better. Jake could have gone much faster, but he decided to stay with me, so Jake, Katy and I crossed the line at 6:15. SUPER impressed with myself! And dad beat his time by almost a full minute crossing at 7:30.

after they finished, the kids went back to get papa





We had a great time!!! Oh, and my race shirt is a regular size LARGE, and it fit nicely ; ) No "X's" or numbers in front of it, just an "L." That is something to be REALLY excited about!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEIDIE6 6/20/2012 8:34AM

  WONDERFUL! emoticon

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WIGIME 5/27/2012 7:08AM

    You are looking AWSOME! You GO girl! Congratulations my dear!

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BMCKEOW1 5/21/2012 2:29PM

    It looks like you guys had so much fun. Way to improve your times to. That's awesome.

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MOONBIRD 5/21/2012 10:51AM

    Yay! I am so glad you did this again. I remember when you did it last year. It's always awesome to see improvements. I can't wait to get into a L! I do have a couple shirts that are that must run big, but most of mine are an xl. You look great in the pics and I am glad you all had fun!

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WIFEALF 5/18/2012 3:14PM

    Good job!

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VLKSHA 5/18/2012 9:14AM

    emoticon

Do you have a favorite place to run/train? How often do your kids run?

Quite inspiring with all those smiles!

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SAILING2GOAL 5/17/2012 10:11AM

    Congratulations! You are awesome! Love the pics!

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PATIB13 5/14/2012 6:31PM

    WWOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!! Great job! Nice job on cutting your time down in a year. The best feeling....having no x's or numbers in front of the size. Way to go! emoticon

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CLPURNELL 5/14/2012 5:36PM

    That is awesome you and the family really did AMAZING!!!!!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KIBAISREADY 5/14/2012 2:04PM

    OH HOLLY I LOVE THIS! YOU ALL LOOK SO HAPPY LOVE THE FAMILY ACTIVENESS! GREAT JOB! emoticon emoticon

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FIZZYBALL 5/14/2012 10:41AM

    SO Great...fantastic improvement on your time. And WOW for L shirts. You look phenomenal.

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-POOKIE- 5/14/2012 8:44AM

    emoticon

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SCOUTMOM715 5/13/2012 11:09PM

    What an exciting and awesome event! Looks like such fun. Woo Hoo on a size L. You look great!!

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BE-THE-CHANGE 5/13/2012 7:36PM

    emoticon

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MICHELLESMILES_ 5/13/2012 6:09PM

    I am so proud of you Holly! You look amazing! Congratulations!

love ya!

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LIBELULITA 5/13/2012 4:37PM

    Love love LOVE the photos. looks like you all had a great day and well done to you all for bettering your times. And what a great feeling to look so fab in a "L" with no X's emoticon I'm so proud of you emoticon emoticon

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IRISH813 5/13/2012 4:17PM

    emoticon job!! emoticon Sounds like alot of fun!!

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TEMPEST272002 5/13/2012 3:02PM

    Everytime I see pictures of people exercising with their children, it makes me so happy. It's something that I wish I'd done with my son. Congrats on such a huge improvement in your time! Looks like you had a lot of fun.

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MUSICALLYMINDED 5/13/2012 1:14PM

    an L is something to be excited about! and look at the difference in the pics from 2011 to 2012!!! emoticon

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MAMADWARF 5/13/2012 12:50PM

    That is so awesome e! I'm so proud of you! You have come soooo far!

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MTOLL81 5/13/2012 12:05PM

    Awesome! I love that you do races with your kids! What a great memory for all of you! Happy Mother's Day!

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HOLLYBELLE77 5/13/2012 11:46AM

    Awesome job! Happy Mother's Day!

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HONESTGRL 5/13/2012 11:45AM

    You guys look great congrats!

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ILOVEMALI 5/13/2012 11:32AM

    I'm sure that your " old life" was good, but your "New life" sounds grand! Happy Mother's Day!!

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POOKASLUAGH 5/13/2012 11:16AM

    That's a great half-mile time! How fun! I wish we had something like that around here - that would be fantastic!!! And how fun that your whole family does it together! :)

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CHRISKENANDKIDS 5/13/2012 11:07AM

    So exciting! Looks like fun! Congrats to everyone!

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RACHEL-SPARKS 5/13/2012 11:02AM

    You look awesome ! That sounds like so much fun. emoticon

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May Mini Challenge

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

I haven't been doing so great for the last 2 months, so I decided to put a challenge out there into sparkland, and hopefully keep myself motivated, and get my hiney in gear. My goal is to be under 175 by the end of May, which should totally be doable, if I stick to the plan. I'll update here every week if you're interested!

May 1st - 179

May 7th - 178

May 14th - 176

May 21st - 177 UGH!

May 31st - 174!!!

Goal 174

Wish me luck, join me if you'd like!

I also wanted to add picture of the cutest cupcakes that I made for my daughter to take to school for her birthday. They're called tie dyed cupcakes and the recipe came from kraftfoods.com. They were really easy to make, and Katy LOVED mixing up the colors! With the help of NOTABOUTTHEFACE, I learned how to make them healthier, and THEN, I noticed that the recipe for healthier cakes and cupcakes is actually ON the box... who new!?! Instead of oil and eggs, I used egg whites and applesauce. The texture and taste is the same, and I even fooled my dad with them.



How FUN are these? Have a happy and healthy May everyone!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VLKSHA 5/18/2012 9:10AM

    emoticon emoticon

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BMCKEOW1 5/9/2012 1:15PM

    Yummy those look great. I've noticed Kraft is putting more and more healthier alternatives on their boxs. Hopefully they keep it up. Thanks for sharing.

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MOONBIRD 5/6/2012 3:17PM

    You can do it! Those cupcakes look so cute, and delicious!

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KIKI0531 5/5/2012 12:04AM

    I am hoping May proves to be successful for you !! You know how to do this - you just gotta keep your eye on the prize ;) I have been stalled in the weight loss as well - but it was because I had gained 8 over from like January to April. I am down 5 and need to lose 3 to be where I was. I feel a new energy about it - hope it sticks this time.

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BEAUTIFUL_MEGAN 5/3/2012 8:06AM

    Ok! I'm in! I want to be out of the 220's by the end of may. That's 8 pounds. I'm going to cheer you on and let your success motivate me! You've got this!

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NEKEL16 5/3/2012 5:24AM

    ha ha i love the sparkie cake, too cute! You can do it! I think your may goal is a great idea xx

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PRESBESS 5/2/2012 8:27PM

    They are cute and they look yummy! I like your personal, yet, public challenge. Good for you! Don't get distracted... push hard toward your goal.
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Comment edited on: 5/2/2012 8:28:29 PM

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CLPURNELL 5/2/2012 6:15PM

    Awesome Holly!!!! I am sure you can do it!!!!!!!!! The cupcakes look awesome!

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BE-THE-CHANGE 5/2/2012 6:06PM

    They are cute! It almost looks like the Spark.


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VLKSHA 5/2/2012 3:04PM

    emoticon emoticon

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PATIB13 5/2/2012 11:15AM

    Cute Cupcakes, and good for you for finding a healthy alternative. You will make your goal. I know you can, I will be cheering you on. emoticon

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TEMPEST272002 5/2/2012 10:33AM

    Very cute cupcake! I enjoy baking with healthy alternatives. Focus & determination & choosing to make it happen day after day... let's make May a month to move forward towards our goals!

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LIBELULITA 5/2/2012 10:16AM

    You can achieve this...of course you can...and you WILL. I love the cupcake...it almost looks like a Sparkpeople cupcake!! LOL!! Look forwards to celebrating 174 pounds with you emoticon emoticon

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VERGE_OF_ME 5/2/2012 9:16AM

    Great job on spurring yourself into action, can't wait to celebrate your "goal met" with you....keep striving for what you want...you've got this!!! Those cupcakes are super cute....the healthy version is a bonus : ) I am cheering you on my friend!!! emoticon emoticon

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MADTHENURSE 5/2/2012 8:46AM

    So cute! And I love that they're healthier without artificial sweetners!!

So, what's the mini challenge plan? I'm REALLY struggling!!

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BONOLICIOUS2 5/2/2012 8:39AM

    They are super cute, that looks delicious! I love how you didn't smother them in icing too! I bet the kids loved them!

You can TOTALLY hit 175 by the end of May. Go get it girl!

ps - your background is soooo cute! Makes me really feel summery!

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POOKASLUAGH 5/2/2012 8:35AM

    Just last week I started a 30-week challenge for myself increasing my exercise, and so far that has helped. Though I still no longer count on losing more than 3 lbs in a month. My goal is to get to 173 lbs by June first. Last June 1st, I was at 213, so 173 will be 40 lbs lost. My goal, last June, was to have lost 52 lbs by this coming June 1st, to be at 161 lbs, but with all the plateau stuff that happened over the last 7 months, it's just not going to happen...So, time to do what I can right? Time for both of us to do what we can - we can make it!!

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HOLLYBELLE77 5/2/2012 7:11AM

    You can do this!

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CHANGING4ME49 5/2/2012 12:48AM

    Love the cupcake picture. I'm always on the lookout for school related fun ideas for my grandson who will be starting Kindergarten in the fall. Thanks for sharing! Also best wishes on the challenge. You can so do this!!

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 5/1/2012 10:44PM

    You've totally got this. Will be toasting your victory at your end date!

Those turned out super cute! Don't you love when you can fool people with healthier versions? I love the colors too! Now I'm off to shoot children with my food coloring gun.

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CHRISKENANDKIDS 5/1/2012 10:42PM

    You can absolutely make your goal! "Just keep swimming....." You can do it!

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ILOVEMALI 5/1/2012 10:40PM

    you can do this!! I'll also join you on your challenge. 4 pounds by end of May!

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HLTHYRNRMOM 5/1/2012 10:30PM

    awesome cupcakes! YOU SO GOT THIS! I will join you, for a 5.1-6lb challenge for May. I am 245.0, would love to be 239.9. Just want out of the 240's!!!!!!!!!!!

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SCOUTMOM715 5/1/2012 10:24PM

    Very cool cupcakes. My daugther's birthday is this month, i'll have to see if she's interested in taking these for her class treat.

I'm cheering you on your challenge. emoticon emoticon

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MAMADWARF 5/1/2012 10:05PM

    How clever! I give everyone I know as much food coloring as possible! Gee, I hope I'm not hurting children! Rofl....anyway, I'm sure you will hit your goal and I'm cheering for you all the way! Because you are amazing, that's why!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 5/1/2012 9:42PM

    To CVDUFFIELD, because I can't get to your page, it isn't food coloring. It's jello! You mix the powdered stuff with the white cake batter and it turns color.

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WONDERBUG381 5/1/2012 9:42PM

    emoticon i know you can

and what adorable cupcakes

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JILLIANISREADY 5/1/2012 9:33PM

    That is a good idea! YOu will reach your goals! emoticon

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YESCURLYCAN 5/1/2012 9:31PM

  I always have a 5lb goal in mind as well because it is attainable and realistic. Great job. I think you are going to get it done. I am aim to lose this water weight and five pounds this month as well. Plus the cupcakes are too cute. Let's get it down emoticon

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CVDUFFIELD 5/1/2012 9:30PM

  Food coloring isn't ideal for children!

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I didn't realize...

Sunday, April 22, 2012

How self conscious I used to be around people I don't know. We were at the bowling ally for Jake's party yesterday and there were 8 other children from his class coming. I'm not able to be very active in either of my kid's classrooms because I work full time and I really have not met many of the parents. As the kids were coming yesterday, I was standing around with some of the parents, and I had all of these thought bubbles start popping in my head. "He doesn't know you used to be fat(ter)" as I offered one dad ice cream. "I'm not that much bigger than her" as I was chatting with another mom. "I feel pretty normal now" as a few of us were discussing our summer plans.... I had NO idea that these kinds of things were, at some point, an issue in the back of my head. These weren't "bad" thoughts I was having, just things that were coming to the forefront of my brain. It was very strange, and almost out-of-body like. This has never happened to me before, and I don't know if anyone else has had this happen, but I just thought I'd share.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ACCT1908 4/25/2012 5:16PM

    I have these thoughts ALLL the time when I'm out now. Like "I wonder if they can tell I used to weigh 300+" "Do I look normal now?"

Good to know it's not just me!

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PRESBESS 4/25/2012 3:47PM

    I think it's pretty normal. I don't have very prominent thoughts such as what you've described but that's only because my current weight (i'm in maintenance) is the size I've been most of my life. Prior to maintenance, my heaveier weight, was apart of my life for about 9 years, but I always saw myself as the weight I was before having gained.

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BMCKEOW1 4/25/2012 2:08PM

    I have found I am more outgoing as well. People I didn't use to talk to because I thought they'd judge me I'm talking to. I actually know some of the people in my different work out classes and when I miss a day they wonder where I am and if I'm okay. I went out for future hubby's b-day a couple weeks ago and danced my butt off. It's a bar where the ladies are suppose to get up and dance on the bar, I've always been to terrified to do it. To worried I'm the fat girl, well I got up there with a friend and we were amazing. Got a couple cheers to.
Keep enjoying the new found confidence.

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DOTSONK 4/25/2012 12:28PM

    I am 57 years young and honestly cannot remember a time when I didn't have random thoughts like that. My weight has been up and down (mostly up) all of my life. Thoughts like ".. I'm not that much bigger than her.." are so familiar. Sometimes I'll even ask whoever I'm with, "Is my butt as big as hers?" I think it's normal to think these thoughts when you're fighting fat demons.

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MOONBIRD 4/25/2012 11:16AM

    I think the same things sometimes! Several of the parents at the school did not recognize me, and it was weird. Whenever my weight loss comes up, I feel proud of course, but also sometimes I feel embarrassed also. I do feel more normal now and not like everyone is just noticing how fat I am. It's an amazing feeling to be able to just feel like a normal person.

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CLPURNELL 4/24/2012 3:34PM

    Yeah I definitely have been experiencing more moments like that. It is strange adjusting to a new body you are not used to. Kinda comes with the territory. It is definitely an adjustment!!!

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PATIB13 4/23/2012 3:24PM

    I have thoughts like that often, I don't think they are necesarily negative as long as they aren't making you feel like you are "less" than anyone else. If you take those thoughts and realize HEY I am not such and such and see how far you have come then they can be positive reinforcements.

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FREETHEGODDESS 4/23/2012 11:13AM

    Yes. I have had the same things happen to me and I am only halfway to my goal weight!

I have thoughts about not feeling like the biggest person in the room anymore. I have thoughts about feeling "normal" now and about looking cute in my outfit. It is a wonderful feeling to not have negative thoughts about myself when I am with others.

People may still see me as an obese woman but, for me, life is good because my attitude is changed and I feel strong and proud. Losing 70 lbs. is a big accomplishment and I did it all by myself and naturally!

Enjoy the new thoughts and feelings you are having and know that you are not alone. :0)
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SAMBIDEXTROUS 4/23/2012 11:09AM

    Oh, I so get this!

Yet another reason why I am so glad that no one is transcribing my internal dialog!!
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BONOLICIOUS2 4/23/2012 8:16AM

    I just noticed this yesterday! I was trying on sunglasses at the store like "these would have looked awful on my fatter face" and "I fit in more normal clothes now" etc etc. It is a good thing that you notice - you can hold onto these thoughts as fuel for maintaining and losing even more!

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TEMPEST272002 4/22/2012 9:20PM

    I've had these kinds of thoughts too. At my new workplace, no one has seen me 100lbs overweight... which is a slightly bizarre thought. Glad I'm not the only one thinking these things.

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LIBELULITA 4/22/2012 6:37PM

    I have these type of thoughts daily too.Especially when people come in to the dancing school for info and I think "at least I look more normal now and they won't be thinking how on earth can that fat lump teach ballet?".I feel that people judge me less now that I'm a more "normal" size, but of course it was probably just me judging myself. I'm glad that you feel more normal now and not like the biggest in the room. Enjoy the sensation...I'm sure our wacky thoughts will evaporate once we've got used to our new size . It just goes to show how weight affected us so profoundly before even if unconsciously. emoticon emoticon

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WONDERBUG381 4/22/2012 5:19PM

    Me too. It is a very strange feeling to have.

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POOKASLUAGH 4/22/2012 4:23PM

    Yep, definitely have those thoughts. Always have, no matter what my size...

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ILOVEMALI 4/22/2012 1:54PM

    I am trying to have more positive thoughts myself. I catch sight of myself in a mirror or window and think "I look normal" -- what a double-edged sword that is.

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ADVENTURESEEKER 4/22/2012 1:18PM

    I can relate. It's for me as if the doubt is there in the back of my head- would he be talking to me if I was still fat? Would I have made friends this quickly before? It's a weird set of thoughts with me. I have to move past them.

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So many random thoughts... it's LONG!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

I've had a lot of things going on in my head that last couple months and I don't know how to organize them so I'm just going to spill out all out on this page. Feel free to stop reading, because I'm sure it won't make any sense. I just need to get it out.

The last few months I feel like I'm floundering. I really haven't lost any weight since the beginning of March. I'm not upset about it really, just bummed that the scale hasn't gone down.

I get friend requests from people who have 30 pounds to lose, and I feel like I "can't be friends with someone who has 30 pounds to lose because *I* was enormous. What can I possible tell them about losing 30 pounds?" How ridiculous is that? I kind of feel like I can only be friends with people who weigh over 300 pounds because that's where I started. This probably sounds terrible, like I don't want to help someone who has a less amount of weight to lose, but I feel like I CAN'T help them. Does that make any sense?

I wish this this whole calories in calories out was as easy as it sounds. If it was, I would have gotten to goal a year ago. I still can't figure out how much to eat in relation to my calories burned, to make weight loss consistent. It always seems hit or miss at this point.

I'm still trying to run and I feel like I have other things I want to do too. I have all these great workout videos and now I have a bike which I love, I "make" my dad take walks with me, and I'm afraid that running will be on the back burner. What if I NEVER run a 5K? It feels like I have too much I want to do, and because of that I feel like I'm not doing anything.

My 2 year anniversary on spark is in June and I want to set a weight goal for it, but the way things are going, I don't want to be disappointed if I don't make it. I've set lots of weight goals, and when the deadline gets close, I change it if I have to, no big deal, so I don't why I CAN'T set a goal for June.

Numerically, I'm close to my goal weight, but it seems light-years away. I know the closer you get, the harder it is to lose the weight, but I'm still not small by any means, and in my head, it shouldn't be this difficult to lose the last 37 pounds. Initially, I was going to get this done in 18 months, then it moved to 2 years, now I'm hoping to be at goal by the end of this year. I know this doesn't always work out like you plan, and I know lots of my friends have been working on this for years, and I'm NOT complaining, just frustrated.

You really want to ruin your day, try on a swim suit. I live in a lake front town, and the beach is about 7 miles away. There is NO reason why I shouldn't be taking the kids to the beach all summer. It's free, it's close and they love the water... oh, yeah, I have to put on a swim suit, that's why! I got one last year that I didn't look hideous in, but still hated walking onto that beach. This year, I'm about 50 pounds lighter and I bought a new suit, size 16-18, but it still sucks. I bought a tankini with a skirt, because my bottom is still a little bigger than my top. However, because of the smaller size, it's not exactly structured for a *real* woman. Not enough support in the top and with lose saggy skin, and the girls not being where they need to be on their own, it's still not a pretty picture. I don't even want to talk about the "swim skirt."

I still can't figure out what make me think I can lose all this weight and keep it off. So many people here have lost lots of weight, disappear, only to resurface having gained a bunch of it back. Why do I think I can do this? I'm no better than anyone else. I'm losing weight the same way they did. WHY am I going to be a success? What makes me think that won't happen to me?

After all of my success (not bragging) I still have all this self doubt. I'm a different person. I'm SO much happier and I have this new confidence, outwardly, that everyone else sees, but I still have a hard time believing in myself. Maybe I'm just so afraid that I won't be able to maintain this new lifestyle, I'm getting prepared for failure, if THAT make sense?!?

Well, if you're still reading, thank you. Like I said, it's a bunch of random crap, that I can't wrap my head around, so why not throw it out into sparkland.

To end on a much lighter note...


307 pounds (at least) December 2009


177 pounds April 2012

Maybe I really WILL be able to do this!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VLKSHA 5/2/2012 3:00PM

    Your journey has been quite inspiring, but that is not who you are. You are a 177# woman trying to live healthy and understand her relationship with food. Connect with Spark friends that connect with you reguardless of their journey. I found your blog based on geography - Erie, PA. I find myself regularly searching out new teams to better suit who I am today.

Today, I too am afriad the end goal is tough to face no matter what I have already seen myself do. I too am afraid to set my next concrete goals.

Hope we both find that AH-HA moment that makes us set and strive for the next finish line, and the next.

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BMCKEOW1 4/25/2012 2:13PM

    You're helping so many people even if you can't see it. Sure there aer people with alot to get rid of and those with just a little. But guess what we're all fighting the same battle. We're all trying to take back our lives. I see all the success stories on here and I wonder if I'll get there, I worry about putting it back on to going back to before. Knowing I'm not the only one struggling is amazing, it's helps more then you realize. So thank you.

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MOONBIRD 4/25/2012 11:14AM

    First of all, big hugs! I feel like I could have written much of what you wrote. I have the same issues, and I think that it's completely normal when you do something as life changing as we've done. There are times I basically just maintain, and I think being able to do that says a lot about how far we've come. I also struggle with the calories in/out thing. It's not as easy as people think. I think because we are taking time to do this, it becomes more of a permanent change, which will keep us from gaining it back. So much of this is the journey, and I think until we realize there is no finish line, we'll struggle more. We'll do this. I believe in you and I know you'll stick around. I have also seen people leave and come back and they've gained weight. It does scare me and I still doubt myself sometimes, but I know I can do this. I promise I won't leave or give up. I think people gain a few pounds and feel ashamed and leave instead of asking for help. I am with you on the bathing suit thing. I hate my thighs because of the hanging skin, so what I plan to do it get a good fitting one piece and buying a separate skirt to wear over it, or a pair of those shorts so it'll cover that up. I tried one on at kohl's I liked, but since I won't be swimming for a couple months I wanted to wait to buy it. Anyway, just know how much you have inspired everyone, and how much your friendship means to me. We're in this together!

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CLPURNELL 4/24/2012 4:14PM

    Holly,

You have done an amazing job!!! You have lost over 130#s You are almost half the person you were. The thing to help you get rid of that self doubt is to really relish in what you have already accomplished. If you want to do a 5k then just do it! You are more than capable of doing so!! You have and continue to be a real inspiration to me. Blogs like this one are even more inspiring because even if you don't have that super self confidence you have still done it and you aren't giving up. To me that is more inspirational than the people who portray like this whole thing is so easy. It is a very difficult process. I am like you after losing 112 pounds every pound is a fight. But I have decided to let the scale say what it's going to say I will just focus on doing the work and pushing myself. You are a success and as long as you don't quit on your self you will always be a success!!! You are such a wonderful person!!!



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DARKLIGHT31 4/22/2012 7:28PM

    Holly, you've done an amazing job transforming yourself, and inspiring others along the way. You will achieve all your goals -- just look how far you've come.

Thanks for sharing this -- I know that there are so many others, myself included, who have felt this way. It helps to know that others do too.

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CELLISTA1 4/22/2012 2:52PM

    I just want to turn paragraph 3 on its head. I "only" have 40 pounds to lose and I can't seem to lose them. I read blogs of people like you who have lost a lot of weight and admire your accomplishments and wonder why I don't have the self-discipline that you do on a daily basis. Yet your photos prove it can be done. Your blogs show that you are a real human being with a real life and you've done so much. I think that when you put things out there on Spark, you don't know who you are going to touch.
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MUSICALLYMINDED 4/22/2012 2:00PM

    I love reading your blogs because I feel like you are where I'll be in a year if I work really, really hard. I really sympathize with the skin issues (in the bathing suit) because I've already had issues with that and I still have 75 more pounds to lose. I also worry about gaining the weight back. I don't know what will make it stay off. I have never lost this much weight before so I have never had the experience of working this hard just to backtrack and go back to the way I was. It really scares me, too. I don't know what will make you or I any different from everyone else.

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YESCURLYCAN 4/22/2012 3:10AM

  I love this blog. I usually love the very honest blogs :) This will probably help a lot of us because I used to think the Big Loss sparkers just walked on sunshine whistling dixie, never worrying but this blog lets me know that you are human. Yes you have done some amazing things but you still worry about making it. I think that worry will be the fuel to the fire because it shows how much it means to you. I don't doubt that you will get it done. You got this! emoticon

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PATIB13 4/22/2012 1:07AM

    Holley, you are one of the most amazing friends I have on here, you deserve to have a moment of self doubt or of needing to let out the random crap....you have worked hard and you are not one who seems like they will allow themselves to go back to where you were. I don't understand how the calories in-out works but you have done much better than I so you must have some of this down. :) Continue to enjoy your success and know that you many friends rooting for you. emoticon emoticon emoticon You are amazing !!

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JAKEKATY 4/21/2012 9:45PM

  Holly what can I say to make you see WHAT A FANTASTIC job you have done so far? If you don't lose another pound you still have a right to be very proud of what you have done. You have lost the equivalent of a WHOLE person. I don't think for one minute you will ever let yourself get that heavy again. You just need to see yourself as everyone else does. You are a beautiful girl. Your outside now matches your inside. You need to look in that mirror every day and see the thin girl that is there for all the world to see. I think sometimes you still only see the very heavy unhappy girl that started the journey. She is \physically gone forever. So lift your head high and say I have done a tremendous job and anything else I do is the cream on top. LOVE you MOM/DAD emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 4/21/2012 4:48PM

    Amen to it all. It all sucks and I hope you find the formula that works for you. Then bottle some and send it to me! :-)

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BE-THE-CHANGE 4/21/2012 2:44PM

    Great blog, Holly. I honestly don't understand why more people don't have doubts. I know I had them but I never talked about them and unfortunately became a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's good to get it out there.

I understand you on the friends. I always wonder why anyone who only has a "small" amount to lost would want to friend me.

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CHRISKENANDKIDS 4/21/2012 1:12PM

    Holly, you're just human and struggling with the same things we all struggle with. I understand about you not thinking you can be friends with someone unless they have a lot of weight to lose, but I find that just getting the lifestyle down, no matter what amount of weight you have to lose, is still helpful. The concept is the same - watch what you eat, eat to fuel your body, exercise regularly. You still have a lot to offer just by doing what you're doing. It doesn't matter how much weight someone has to lose. You're still inspiring!

I've been around the same weight since July. What I've found out is that I needed to decrease my calories a bit. I also bought a Bodybugg and found out that I'm burning a lot more each day than I thought I was. Which means I have been losing a bit again (except for vacation) when I'm a little above my SP ranges. It has been really helpful. I'm only 10 pounds away from my goal weight and it's soooo frustrating! I hear you. But you can do this! I think I psychologically took a few months off from trying to lose to build some muscle and take a bit of the stress off.

As for the swimsuit, I've found that I'm MUCH more critical of how I look in a suit than anyone else is of me. I found a couple of skirt suits on Fashion Bug's website that really hide things in the hip/upper thigh area. You probably look JUST FINE.

Hang in there! You are absolutely normal and you CAN do this. We are all rooting for you! Hugs!

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MAMADWARF 4/21/2012 12:23PM

    I get it. Holly, you have been working so hard and the weight has been flying off. Maybe you just need a minute for your head to catch up. I know we have been friends from the start and anyone who knows you is lucky. You inspire, encourage and motivate. And you do it all by just being you. You willnever go back. I have no doubts of that. You know my motto about bathing suits? Screw people. What. Are they going to be suddenly shocked that I am fat when they see me in shorts or a bathing suit. Wear it proud girl! You look amazing. You may never be perfect but who is? I love you, girl!

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KRISTINGETSFIT 4/21/2012 11:53AM

    It sounds like you are in a tough spot and are understandably frustrated. What you have accomplished so far is absolutely amazing and took a lot of hard work, dedication and perseverance. The same person who did that is the same person you are now. You may be in a small funk, but you still have the perseverance and dedication to continue and succeed! emoticon

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ILOVEMALI 4/21/2012 11:39AM

    Welcome to being human. What you have done is amazing, life-changing, and difficult. How many people have lost 150 pounds??? Let yourself be amazed by your achievement. Doubt is normal. Probably goes back to the little girl still inside of all of us (she is the one who is currently sabotaging my efforts. I don't know what is so scary to me that, as soon as I hit my initial goal, I put on 3 pounds). We can do this-- I know we can! Xoxo, Deb

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LIBELULITA 4/21/2012 10:56AM

    Sorry that my answer is longer than your blog!!!

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LIBELULITA 4/21/2012 10:56AM

    I hear your frustration. A lot of what you'r eexperiencing I am too. At the beginning of March I only had 3 pounds to lose to reach 100 lost. Here I am towards the end of April and I still haven't got there. After losing 2 or 3 pounds nearly every week having lost only 2.5 pounds in 6 weeks feels practically stagnent and none exisistent. At 153 pounds I too am still a pretty hefty weight for my height and still have at least 15 pounds to lose to be at the heaviest BMI for my height ( 5 ft 2...nearly emoticon) so I too feel that I shouldn't have slowed down this much at this stage.

However, searching around and asking other big losers this all seems to be completely normal and part of the course. I suppose when we actually get to goal instead of having to adapt to losing really slowly it will be hard to adapt to not trying to lose weight too. It'll be a strange feeling to not be needing to see the scale moving down.

I don't do the calories in versus calories out thing. I eat within my calorie range designated by Spark (1220-1550) and don't change that whether I work out or not. At least then I know that I'm eating healthily and it will all work out in the end.

I went bikini and costume hunting the other day and came out dejected too. My previously firm bum has hippo type rolls of empty skin under it now and there is loose skin everywhere (oh man....you should see my armpits....the skin is pleated in there!). It's hard to accept the saggy skin when if you physically lift it up you can see a neat tight body under it all. My partner said I'm being stupid and promised me I'll look 100 times better in a bikini with saggy skin than at 100 pounds more even if it was pretty firm. I know he's right...but it's still not easy is it? It's like swapping one lot of complexes for another.

What you have got to change is this lack of belief in your self. You are NOT going to gain this weight back. You ARE better than other people. You have achieved what the vast majority only ever dream of doing. You are DOING IT and in a healthy way and in a place of major support. Do NOT doubt in yourself...I know you can do this. I don't see how I can gain it back because I don't feel like I'm on a diet that I can come off. I'm just going to carry on eating the way I am now because I feel satisfied and in no way deprived. Don't you feel the same? Do you want to slip back into those dark binging times? I too still get the urge sometimes to pig out and then I remember what it was like....I don't want to go back to that place. Read back through your old blogs to remember how you used to feel and how the changes made you feel gradually better and better. You are NOT going to gain this back...tell yourself everyday and remember to have a private gloat about how well you've done.

I understand the friend add thing. I feel like if they only have a little weight to lose it's not really because they want my help but because they want to have a voyeuristic peek at fat photos against now. Who can blame them? I find them fascinating too....but I do understand you.

You've got this lifestyle nailed...now if you could only believe in your self the way that we believe in you.So we're at snails pace for now.....it'll give the skin time to catch up a little emoticon emoticon emoticon

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POOKASLUAGH 4/21/2012 10:11AM

    Well you know I've also just been flopping around over the last six months, which is really frustrating when you have so little to go (or little in comparison to where you started, anyway). I wish that whole calories-in-calories-out thing was so much easier too! And more understandable, as sometimes it just doesnt' seem to work. Sending you hugs. I completely understand.

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