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I think I have it backwards...

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Since I've started my "6week plan" I've noticed a trend in my eating. The only days I have problems with binge eating are the days I DON'T workout... You know, the days where your calories REALLY need to be in check?!? Unfortunately, I've just now realized this, 1 week before "times up." I didn't have a specific weight goal in mind or anything like that, but when a deadline is looming, it's still nerve wracking.

I have to say the last 6 weeks, especially the last couple, have been great! I really feel like I've gotten back into exercise, and actually look forward to it. My food has been REALLY good, except for the days I days I don't workout... I need to do something about that....

I've been working out 6 days a week, skipping Saturdays. Saturdays are usually kind of busy and knowing that I don't need to find time to workout has reduced some stress. That being said... it has also been the ONLY day I'm "unable" to stay on my food plan each week...

I feel like I really WANT and NEED a rest day, but not if it's going to lead to binging... When I workout out, it's been for 45-60 minutes a day, and I don't know if a 10 minute walk will keep me in check on Saturdays or not. I'm going to have to give it a shot, because I can't keep ruining my week.

Any feedback you guys can give me would be great! Before I get a bunch of "you're not ruining anything with 1 day a week" comments, I want to say that I appreciate the thought, but in reality, I am ruining it. When *I* want to lose weight, I need to stay focused ALL THE TIME. *I* can't have one "bad meal" because it DOES turn into a "bad day." I'm a binge eater, and I don't stop at one meal... That's who *I* am.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIMONEKP 4/15/2014 12:57PM

    if 10 minutes doesn't do it then try walking while watching tv or doing some other activity that allows you to get a longer workout without cutting into what is an already busy day for you.

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SNOWYOGA 4/10/2014 12:11AM


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BRADMILL2922 4/8/2014 2:05AM

    Well, 1 day a week won't...oops ;)

No, seriously, I am the exact same way. There is no day to slack! That off day will F* me up mentally!
So I would try the 10 minute walk thing and see how that goes. Those days of exercise, I know for me, definitely help me stay focused and when I don't workout I feel like I have an off day on EVERYTHING...BLAH!

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    I have the same problem, too. I think you have a great solution.

And I can't really have a "cheat meal" either. It leads to a cheat day, then a cheat weekend, then an "I'll start back tomorrow" or next week, or next month... oy. When I have a craving, I try to just work it into my calories or find a healthy solution.

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KELAN5 4/1/2014 11:43PM

    The ten-minute walk sounds like a good solution if only to reduce your stress and lift your mood a little bit on Saturdays! You may also want to try tracking your steps on those days-- you may find that you're exercising more than you think you are (if only in spurts) and this tracking may help you to resist the urge to eat more. Do the usual, too-- parking further away and looking for other ways to bring exercise into your busy day. You can do it!

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RUNMOREMILE 4/1/2014 4:05PM

  Sounds like a good idea to try. Give it a shot and see what happens.

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SEATTLESIMS 4/1/2014 4:03PM

    How about planning a BIG workout for after your rest day.. so really what you put into your body the day before will be important for that big workout? Just a thought. I've been doing that with my race training.. Friday is rest day, but since Saturday is long run day, I have to prepare for it.. it is Saturday afternoons that are getting me (post workout treats!).

Well, good luck and sounds like your 6 week plan has done a lot to help you refocus and define areas you need to continue to work on! Great job! Have fun!

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FINCHFEEDER80 4/1/2014 3:27PM

    Weekends always trip me up, too. The lack of a schedule just destroys all my good intentions. I think a 10 minute walk sounds like a lovely, active recovery style way to keep your head in the game. I may have to try it myself on rest days! emoticon

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CHANGEOLA 4/1/2014 7:34AM

    No advice to give but I have lots of "woohoos" and "way to go's" in my pocket that I will gladly give you emoticon I hope the 10 minutes of exercise makes a difference; great idea there. Love your determination!

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LUVTOBOWL 3/31/2014 11:00PM

    I understand how you feel Holly. Try preparing your meals for those days you don't work out. I think we all should have a rest day so focus more on your planning the day before your rest day. emoticon emoticon emoticon

Hope this helps my dear friend.

I wish you all the best.....I know emoticon , you've come so far emoticon


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TINAJANE76 3/31/2014 6:41PM

    I function the same way--I have a MUCH harder time staying on track the days that I don't exercise than the days I do, when I don't seem to have a problem keeping to my calorie ranges. I think we all need some sort of rest, but that the key might be to find the minimum amount of exercise that's needed on your "off days" to keep you from bingeing. Maybe a ten-minute walk will be enough, or maybe it will take a 20-minute walk. I'd say keep experimenting until you find the right balance between giving your body a rest and warding off your binges.

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MADTHENURSE 3/31/2014 2:41PM

    You know me and the weekends... wish I had some advice to give you. Hugs!!!!!

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MANLEYSANDY 3/31/2014 1:06PM

    It sounds to me like your mind is playing a trick on you....

Here is what I mean, when you exercise, in your mind, you know you are burning more calories, so if you eat a little more, then you are safe, right? Then when you don't exercise, your safety net is gone, that emotional need probably strikes up more, I can't, so I shouldn't but I want to, so I do...

Try really asking yourself what you are feeling when you are reaching for that food, if it is anything but hunger, then you need to say I am bored not hungry, I am mad not hungry, I want the food because I can't, so I am not going to eat....

You see where I am going!!


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BANDITOBOY 3/31/2014 11:44AM

    Holly- If it were me, I would have two rest days a week, but on those both of those days, I would take a 5 or 10 minute walk EVERY time I could feel a binge coming on. Walking is not so strenuous that you can' tdo it on your rest days, plus it would take your mind off of food. If you only take one rest day a week, and then walk on that day, it feels like you never get any rest, but if you take two rest days, you're not as likely to burn out.

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MISSB8604 3/31/2014 11:03AM

    The 10 minute thing sounds very doable to me. Don't give up and keep yourself focused.

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BONOLICIOUS2 3/31/2014 8:36AM

    I wish I had some advice but I seem to lose my mind each weekend and totally fall apart for the whole weekend and not just one day... but I do know that the old saying usually holds true - fail to plan, plan to fail. Maybe try mapping out your food in advance so you're less likely to slip? That's all I got really. Good luck!

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SUGAR0814 3/30/2014 9:34PM

    That's a hard one cause I'm walking in your shoes!! My no exercise day is Sunday & I always go over my calorie range. Let's try 10 mins & see how it goes. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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    Holly - this is weird but worth a try. I'm not sure what you're eating for breakfast, but try to make sure there are less than 6 grams of carbs at breakfast and when you do have carbs, do it later in the day. Try to add as much protein as you can. This really helps with the feeling of fullness and overeating for myself and many of our patients at the weight loss center I work for. :) A 10 minute walk can't hurt as long as you make it lower intensity. Worth a shot! Good luck!

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ILOVEMALI 3/30/2014 3:26PM

    I am a saboteur. I get close then BOOM! Sabotage. I am the last person to give advice these days.

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FLAGLINDA 3/30/2014 1:05PM

    I know what you mean. I went on vacation and now Im having a REALLY hard time getting back on track. Try going for a walk on Saturdays. My mind set on the days I work out is I worked so hard I don't want to mess up all that work. I really like the idea for LOFLLAMA!!. That may work for me too! emoticon

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PRETTYPITHY 3/30/2014 11:45AM

    Holly, I think I may have a similar trend. I usually work out on weekend evenings and if I'm not working out, it seems like I'm home with my refrigerator. It's the extra unfocused time that results in the binge for me. Better for me to spend that time working out!

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LOFLLAMA 3/30/2014 11:32AM

This is going to seem like a goofy thing, but I want you to try it. When you are getting ready to eat feel how thin you've gotten. Think about your muscle tone. Pull your belly in & sit up lean & tall. Even touch your favorite new body area. (I love that I can feel my ribs!) Picture your muscles.

I know it's weird, but it helps me WANT to stay slim.

P.S. I would never tell you the 'one day doesn't matter' junk! I'm an all or nothing girl too! emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/30/2014 11:33:37 AM

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POOKASLUAGH 3/30/2014 10:32AM

    I always find it far more difficult to control my eating if there isn't SOME sort of exercise during the day, too. It doesn't have to be much - even just a good 10 min jog-in-place kind of thing or getting on the elliptical - can be enough to curb my appetite. I'm not sure why it is, but I remember back to the 10-week ban on all activity including walking, two summers ago, and it was SO difficult to keep my eating in check every day. I felt much hungrier if I hadn't done any exercise at all (just like I feel extremely hungry if I do TOO MUCH exercise). I'm not sure why that is, but I think that's pretty common. Is there any way you can sneak in a 10-min moderate kind of activity on Saturdays? Or some active recovery?

Yesterday, I was too exhausted to exercise, and you know what? I ate about 700 calories worth of chocolate in the afternoon. Yep. When I've had no problem controlling my food on other days. Yeah. Totally get you.

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BE-THE-CHANGE 3/30/2014 9:42AM

    I'd give the 10 minute walk a try. I am like you - I have to be on the food plan all the time or a meal turns into a day turns in a week or more... Maybe subconsciously your body thinks a day off from exercise means a day off from everything. Just a few minutes may be all it takes to keep things on track.

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NELLJONES 3/30/2014 8:35AM

    It takes about one minute to ruin a month's worth of work. Recovering alcoholics cannot have even one sip, you do whatever you need to do to get past the urge, lest you end up dead or in jail. The consequences of mis-eating aren't as dire, but that doesn't lessen the anguish. Whatever it takes!!

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Sooo cool!

Thursday, March 06, 2014

I've lived in Erie, PA my whole life, with the exception of college, and I never fully appreciated what we had here until the last year or so. We have a lake, and amusement park, theaters, comedy clubs, museums, and all sorts of things for the kids to do.

The park educators at the Peninsula offer a "beach walk" every week starting the first Wednesday after the new year. They do it to help start the New Year with some exercise, and to allow us to see the peninsula at night, a TOTALLY different experience.

I've been on the beaches during the day, but at night they take on a whole new life, it's a REALLY cool experience. Last nights walk took us to all the different bays around the peninsula as well as the lake side.

While we were walking along one of the bays, the educator was pointing out the ice huts that people put out there to fish. He said the ice is about 16 inches thick right now, and an 18 wheeler could drive out on the ice. Then he asked if anyone wanted to walk out on the ice and check out the sights. Ummm, YES PLEASE!!!!!!!

I'm standing ON the bay! How cool is that?!? SUPER crazy cold, but so awesome!

When I was young, I couldn't wait to get out of town and never come back. Now, I couldn't imagine raising my kids anywhere else.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MICHELLESMILES_ 3/29/2014 1:38PM

    Very Cool! :)

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TRIANGLE-WOMAN 3/20/2014 6:41AM

    It's amazing that when we find ourselves, that when we connect to who we REALLY are, the things that irritated, annoyed us and made sad, mad or upset transform into things that we can finally really see and appreciate.

It was never about them, it was never the location, it was never the outside world...it was always about us and our relationship with ourselves.

We really are the centers of the Universe.


In a really good way!


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EVER-HOPEFUL 3/18/2014 3:31PM

    you are indeed very lucky and i hope your kids appreciate the fact as well. emoticon

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LALALOVELY76 3/12/2014 10:42AM

    Sounds awesome! emoticon

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TINAJANE76 3/9/2014 7:46PM

    it's amazing how our perspectives change as we get a bit older and begin to appreciate all the little amazing things around us that we either never noticed or thought were unexceptional when we were younger. Love your picture and am so glad you had such an awesome time!

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TRAVELGRRL 3/8/2014 11:41AM

    I'm so pleased that you are happy with where you live...I am sure you have a big ol' network of friends and family!

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BRADMILL2922 3/7/2014 4:44AM

    Very cool! Wait, see what I did there...cool, cold...yea, you know! Sounds like a lot of fun!

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SUGAR0814 3/7/2014 12:27AM

    emoticon Great fun!

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WORLDSERIES11 3/7/2014 12:03AM

    Very Cool!!!

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STAY39 3/6/2014 11:42PM

    Awesome! So glad you are enjoying life in your town! Sounds great!

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NASFKAB 3/6/2014 11:08PM

  lucky you living your whole life in the same area

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ILOVEMALI 3/6/2014 10:33PM


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NAYKNITS 3/6/2014 8:35PM

    Very cool! emoticon

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SCOUTMOM715 3/6/2014 8:11PM

    Very cool!!! emoticon

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    So awesome!

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KTISFOCUSED 3/6/2014 6:45PM

    As a fellow Erieite I agree 100%. We were there today enjoying the sights. What a gift !!

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NGCHILD 3/6/2014 3:10PM

    What a great experience! I feel the same way about where I live. I couldn't wait to move away after college but ended up getting a good job and am in my 20th year at the same job. YIKES! I couldn't imagine living anywhere else or raising Max anywhere else.

The grass isn't always greener.


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GINILEE4 3/6/2014 2:31PM

    When my DH and I met we lived in a suburb of Toronto. We loved it there. When we had married, we decided to buy a house but could only afford Whitby, a town 30 miles outside of Toronto. Our friends and family were amazed as we had moved to the' sticks'. Our plan was to stay 2 years and then move back to Toronto. As time went by, we realized how much more we had in this smaller town and have not left for 42 years. SOmetimes what is right is right. Glad you are getting out and enjoying your town/city? Smaller places hold lots of community events that help bring the town together.

Gini emoticon

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    Awesome experience!

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BONOLICIOUS2 3/6/2014 1:46PM

    Woah! Crazy! And so cool!

My bfs cousin lives in Erie and we've been talking about visiting and you sure sell it well!

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FUNGIRL81005 3/6/2014 1:07PM

    That's great!! I live in a small town that everyone dreams of getting out of when in high school...But I am so happy to have stayed and enjoy my town!! Ra!! Ra!!

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ARUNNINGKAT 3/6/2014 11:58AM

    That sounds like a truly amazing experience!

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MISSB8604 3/6/2014 11:25AM

    How cool!!!! SO glad you had fun, you deserve it.

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SAMBIDEXTROUS 3/6/2014 10:50AM

    So much fun!

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GABY1948 3/6/2014 8:56AM

    GREAT blog! emoticon

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JCBRITT 3/6/2014 8:55AM

    I was trying to figure out where you lived based on your weather comments. You aren't too far from me...I'm about 2 hours SE of Pittsburgh in WV near both Md and Pa.

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    How fun! It's always great to revisit where you live with a new perspective. Sounds like it was an exciting night!

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TERI-RIFIC 3/6/2014 8:40AM

    My husband went to Gannon. Erie IS a nice place and the lake is clean, now. My son planned a family trip to Cedar Point when he was about 17. Walking on water at night - awesome.

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FINCHFEEDER80 3/6/2014 8:36AM

    SOOOOOO Cool!! I'm really learning to embrace Richmond. I never wanted to live out my life here, but I'm finding more and more to love all the time. It's so great to learn to appreciate what you have!

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JADED_CHICK19 3/6/2014 8:30AM

    That's awesome! I hope that I find somewhere I can truly call home again and have my son feel that way about it. My hometown is not as good of a place as it once was and the current town I am will never feel like home...hoping our next journey and move brings us to that place! Thanks for sharing :)

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RIDLEYRIDER 3/6/2014 8:06AM

  Home is truly where the heart is!

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PEGGY11 3/6/2014 8:04AM

    I think we can all find there is a lot in our own area that we have always taken for granted and it is time to explore emoticon . Good exercise and it gets us away from the kitchen. emoticon You also get to meet new friends. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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POOKASLUAGH 3/6/2014 8:01AM

    This makes me think I really need to explore what San Antonio has to offer. It's hard to do that in a place you grew up in and never really noticed!

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TRYINGHARD54 3/6/2014 7:39AM

    I live in pa also. Great place to live. :-)

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I'm F.I.N.E.

Sunday, February 23, 2014


Yep, that's me, I'm FINE...

Frustrated... with weight gain, binge eating, lack of exercise and my bad attitude about all of it. I have no one to blame but myself.

Insecure... about my body. I haven't felt this bad about myself... ever. My clothes don't fit right, I had to buy jeans and dress pants that are 2 sizes bigger than I've been wearing for the last year and a half.

Neurotic... about things going on in my personal life. It's been a big cause of the weight gain, which stresses me out even more, which leads to more binge eating... yeah, you get it.

Emotional and exhausted... about all of it. It's an ugly cycle, and I'm trying to break it.

I have a plan. I know, I ALWAYS have a plan, but I feel like if I don't *plan* to fix it, I'll just get worse. I can't promise that I'll stick with the plan, but I have to have one. My SiL and I have devised a food and exercise plan for the next 6 weeks, and we're going to do it together. Six weeks will get me to the first weekend of April and hopefully some good weather. Six weeks is long enough to make a difference, but not too long that it's overwhelming me.

I know you're all tired of hearing me complain and probably wondering why I just don't STOP all the nonsense! I'm wondering that myself. I thought I had gotten past emotional eating, eating when I'm bored, and eating out of frustration...

I guess I'll always be the fat girl inside, no matter who much my physical body shrinks. I'll always have those mental demons to fight. My friend ADVENTURSEEKER told me that I may not be able to control things going on around me, but I can control the food I put in my mouth. She's absolutely right!

I need to get it under control, and I WILL get it under control... I do NOT want to be HER...

I want to be ME!

I want to be happy again. I want to be healthy again. I want to be proud of myself again.
And I will be.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BRADMILL2922 3/6/2014 3:12AM

    No matter what, you will not be her again. The old Holly is gone and the new one is here. Live in this present moment and remember the work that you did to get to this present moment. This bump in the road (and that is all it is) will pass. You have a plan. You have always had a plan or you wouldn't have gotten to be "ME" when you did! You are fine but I would describe you with two different F words...FRIEND & FIGHTER!

emoticon emoticon

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ENDERLI 3/5/2014 9:53AM

    I am here for you!!! We need to get together before DG. I miss you girls. I'm getting back on this wagon with you. We can do it! We will do it!!!!!!
I am completely here for you. Text me if you need a shoulder. Love you!

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LUVTOBOWL 3/4/2014 9:02PM

    All, that happens on this journey, I wrote a blog about my weight gain back in January and I'm still pushing girl, just like I know you will.

I'm here for you Holly, I believe in you and I know you can and will do it.


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PATIB13 3/4/2014 2:25AM

    Holly, you are such an inspiration and even during the months I have not been on here I have often thought of you and the other spark friends I had here. You have done something many have not done and I am sure there is a lot going on that factor into the FINE feelings you are having. You can do this and your can be FINE (Fit, In control, Not giving up, Enduring) because you have done and that is how you know you can do it again. It's one step each and every day, it's moving forward when we want to stop and eat the whole box of ice cream, it's knowing that you have come along way and the feeling is so worth it.

You are so worth it Holly and know that so many people out there, including myself, have been touched by your kind words and your awesome journey.

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WITHNEWEYES 2/27/2014 5:15AM

    I hear you and I can relate. Please hang in there and fight for you! You'll get through this.

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ALOFA0509 2/26/2014 11:01PM

    Girl Your on it!!!! U got this- emoticon

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RECREATING_ME 2/26/2014 3:47PM

    I feel so incredibly bad for you, Holly :( Sorry you have been going through some rough times. I hope that partnering with your SiL helps you see get past the junk that is pulling you down.

But one thing -- I am not "tired of hearing you complain." I appreciate your honesty about how hard it is (even after achieving as much as you have) and how you are showing trust in the SP community to offer support. That's what we are here for, right? I know it's why I haven't totally given up, even though (after more than 1.5 years) I have barely begun the physical changes.

Supporting you in your journey!

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TIME4AMY 2/26/2014 6:33AM

    I love you Hol'. I understand. I didn't get it either. Why if I had come so far...felt so good...worked so hard....lived again!? I can't answer that. I don't know where to find the motivation. All I do know for sure...

You don't want to go back. This isn't living. If I could only snap my fingers. Maybe I needed to be reminded that this is not where I want to be. After all, I also had a hard time adjusting to such big changes. No matter the size, I still wasn't content. After the loss, I still had more to go. As I lost, the body shrank, but it stil looked gross... Still wanted to cover myself up. (No matter the loss).

There's no magic number. There special time frame. No secret method. It's all about finding your way... To loving yourself. To being healthy.

I remember literally watching the weight come back. (Defeated) I don't know when I stopped stepping on the scale, but when I decided to hop on one day..."error". I never stopped caring. I wake everyday and think about it as I surpass the clothes I cant fit into in my closet. Think about it as I pant walking across campus, taking a breather before entering class to sit at my "special" (handicapped) desk.

Why did I allow this? I can't answer that. Maybe it was stress, life's obstacles, not enough support... I don't know. I'll get back in the swing of things... I'm trying. I have to learn better coping skills, because mine are usualy... Throw in the towel! Eat some sh!t!

don't look back...only look ahead. Can't get back tomorrow, but you can do something today! The more you let the setback get to you, the harder moving forward will be.

You got this!! You've cleared supermarket shelves Hol'! (How many lbs per can of chef boyardi?! We're not built to be grocery clerks. We are friggin Social Workers!! Got all the tools! (Just need to apply it all to ourselves!)

It's life! There will be setbacks. It's learning from them that matters. It's knowing you can move mountains, but kicking stones sometimes may be good enough for the day. You're here. That in itself is a commitment! You've made AMAZING progress!! Knowing that you've accomplished so much, even if the roller coaster takes you for a ride will be important in moving forward. It comes off!! Takes work, but doesn't everything we want bad enough?!

I'm here with ya sistah! I just couldn't help but respond. I wanted to scream NOOOOO!! It's ok Hol! Keep going! Don't look back! ❤️

Comment edited on: 2/26/2014 6:34:47 AM

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STAY39 2/25/2014 10:52PM

    It's so hard to hang on tight to this roller coaster of a journey. I am sorry you have been in a rough spot. I have total faith in you that you can push on through it! And you will be even stronger for it! We are all cheering for you! emoticon

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TRAVELGRRL 2/25/2014 7:00PM

    Holly, Love You Girl! I sense you've lost your motivation. Try to "fake it until you make it." One day, one hour, one minute at a time if necessary! You've done this before -- WHY did you want to do it? Can you reconnect with those feelings?

If not, maybe you need to feel good about where you're at. There's your "lowest ACHIEVABLE weight" which is different from your "lowest SUSTAINABLE weight." You are doing great. You are an awesome woman. You are an inspiration to many.

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KONRAD695 2/25/2014 6:25PM

    WOW! After reading what many others said, there is not much for me to add. I can say this. You have come a long ways from your starting point. Now you had a little hick-up, and that happens. I have full confidence you will point it in the right direction and get it moving again. Looking forward to reading your progress blogs.
emoticon Konrad

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RUNMOREMILE 2/24/2014 11:34PM


Think about dividing the six weeks of your plan into smaller increments. I know that when I'm stressed it can be overwhelming to plan a long ways out. Sometimes it's good just to plan for the day. When that day is done, plan for the next day. Those days will add up quicker than you know. Be kind to yourself and care for yourself.

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MISSB8604 2/24/2014 12:33PM

    My dearest friend,

You are HUMAN and life happens. As much as we want to we cannot be Superwoman all of the time (even though we’d love to). Emotional eating is 1 of the hardest habits to break if that was your main source of comfort and an outlet for your negative feelings (it is for me). LOOK AT WHERE YOU’VE COME FROM. You are an inspiration to so many, including myself. You are PROOF that it CAN be done. You are a miracle. Your struggle is only temporary, you WILL get back to where you’d like to be. Take it from someone who has gained around 40-50lbs back of the original 100 she lost, you are amazing and such a wonderful person.
Please know your REAL friends here on Spark will never tire of supporting you or hearing you complain. Ever. We both know that if you don’t take care of the emotional issues, they’ll always come back to haunt. Try working on WHY you’re overeating, WHY you’re binging and take steps to correct whatever needs to be corrected. It may take you a while, but I think in the end you’ll be glad you made an effort to fix your emotional eating.

I wish you the very best in your 6 week plan. If you need anything please do not hesitate to ask.
Love you,

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BONOLICIOUS2 2/24/2014 11:58AM

    Awwwwwwwww hon... first of all you are a genius because that acronym is so clever! Second of all, we all go through phases where life gets challenging. Be gentle towards yourself! But also remember to put yourself first when you can, and your health is definitely part of that! Knowing where you WANT to go is the first step in the right direction. You can do it! You are fabulous!!!!!!

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JCBRITT 2/24/2014 11:14AM

    Maybe you have already, but have you considered revisiting your journey...you posted a few pictures, but maybe take some time to read your blogs and any other journal's you may have kept about your SUCCESS in the past and your motivation. If you can't change the issues that are stressing you maybe talk to someone about how you can better deal/accept them. It could be the weather too!! Worst winter since I was a child 35-40 years ago. I bought my son a SAD light because he seemed to be struggling over the winter.

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VICKYMARIEC 2/24/2014 9:09AM

    Girl, we've all been there OR are there right now. I'm like you...i PLAN no matter what. Without a plan i get further away from my goals. Keep your head high and review your plan often. You know what you need to do.

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NAYKNITS 2/24/2014 8:43AM

    Oh Holly I am FINE too. maybe not for the same reasons but FINE all the same. I am proud of you for putting it out there and getting it off of your chest. Now that you have your plan laid out- take it day by day and April will be here before you know it. I agree, personal stuff going out affects us no matter how hard we try not to let it.

I've had a plan bouncing around in my head for a couple of days now and I think I am going to go blog it AND write it down so I have a concrete roadmap. I was just going to do a month plan, but am going to stretch it out to 6 weeks to journey with you. emoticon emoticon

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MADTHENURSE 2/24/2014 7:07AM

    I want to be there with you chickie!! Hugs!

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MAMADWARF 2/23/2014 10:25PM

    I like the 6 week plan and I like that your SIL is doing it with you. Everyone gets off track, everyone gets upset. We have had a lifetime using these coping ,mechanisms..it is NATURAL to go back to those techniques...please don't beat yourself up. One day at a time. I love you. Don't forget your my hero. Even if you don't feel like it. You are,

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FINCHFEEDER80 2/23/2014 10:05PM

    emoticon I sooooo understand how you feel. I'm active, but my nutrition is a hot hot mess, which leaves me basically treading water in the weight loss pool. I think it's so great that you have your SIL there so you guys can support each other! You'll get it back, I completely believe in you!

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SUGAR0814 2/23/2014 9:51PM

    Holly, I didn't even recognize you in the first two pictures! You are doing an amazing job on your journey. You're not giving up so don't be so hard on yourself!! emoticon emoticon

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FIFIFRIZZLE 2/23/2014 9:21PM

    Your strategy seems pretty doable, Holly. Of course you can correct this blip. And along the way a little reflection perhaps on how you could catch yourself next time you are tempted to get off the pony.
And if it seems like you can,'t work that out by yourself, get some help with addressing whatever you need to address. Then if you start to slide too far again, you have already got your safety net in place.

But, uh, if you don,t mind me saying, you seem to be very eager to be down on yourself. What happened that was so bad? You let old habits have some rein, and got what you would expect from eating and exercising that old way. That is what got you fat in the past isn,t it? What,s the big surprise? You,ve been silly. Of course your old habits will try to reassert themselves. And you can,t be vigilant every single second, especially when you haven't thoroughly embedded your new improved coping strateges.
But you have caught onto yourself and you are dealing. Will you know better next time? Will you do differently next time? Are you not still 100lbs lighter than before you first started? So you have maintained a huge weight loss for how long?
So why are you being so mean to yourself? Is this helping? Or is this part of what got you fat in the first place?
Just asking....

Comment edited on: 2/23/2014 9:23:39 PM

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    Holly, hang in there! I am slowly coming out of where you are right now. I had hip problems for almost SIX months and my exercise all but stopped. I gained 30 pounds and was out of control. I started the weight loss program at my new job and am finally going down again. I was frustrated, mad at myself and feeling very alone. It's wonderful that you are reaching out to us here at Sparkpeople. We are all here for you! HUGS!

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BE-THE-CHANGE 2/23/2014 8:34PM

    Holly, I am proud of you for putting it all out there. I know when I lost a lot of weight, I still saw the fat me. And when I got hit in the face with life still being the same (or worse) in spite of my weight loss, I let all the garbage get to me and I gained almost all of it back. But I was never as honest about what was happening as you are here. Keep venting, complaining, whatever you want to do! It is a step in the right direction.

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CITYDWELLERS72 2/23/2014 8:01PM

    Oh sweet Holly. You are fine in the most positive sense. Now honestly I'm not where you are and I haven't lived through the circumstances you are living through and life can be very hard. What I do know is that you are an overcomer and a true inspiration to many sparkpeople. What I mean by that is that we don't expect you to be perfect we find our inspiration through your honesty and your tenacity to fight on when it would be easier to quit. Your friend is right...you control what falls into your mouth and you will get there if not today, tomorrow, or the next day because it's not in you to stop until you have reached the goal you have for yourself. Fight, fight, fight!!! You are worth it. emoticon emoticon emoticon


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GRUMBLEGIRL 2/23/2014 7:31PM

    Your physical transformation is incredible. You need it work on your internal transformation now. You know how to lose the pounds but you do need to lose the mental weight as well. Please look at how far you've come and give yourself a pat on the back. You are a strong and determined woman, you will get there. I'm sure of it.

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WORLDSERIES11 2/23/2014 7:15PM

    Hang in there Holly! I'm in the same place, have been for quite a while....your plan sounds like a good one. And know that you are not alone!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TINAJANE76 2/23/2014 6:36PM

    Oh, Holly, I've been where you are many times in the past and feel your pain and frustration. Be gentle with yourself and try to take everything one day at a time, doing the best you can each individual day. Tough times come, but the good thing is that they do eventually pass. Hang in there and if there's ever anything I can do to help you out, please don't hesitate to ask me. I'm here for you!

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KELAN5 2/23/2014 6:03PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TERI-RIFIC 2/23/2014 5:59PM

    emoticon emoticon Coach Nicole talked about getting back on track today in Spark Coach. The Spark articles on getting back on track are spot on.

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POOKASLUAGH 2/23/2014 5:48PM

    I dont' care what anyone says - stuff going on in our personal lives can affect us like nothing else can. It's bad. Bad bad bad. I hope whatever it is that you're dealing with will get better and soon Holly. I think a six-week plan is a great idea.

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PEGGY11 2/23/2014 5:10PM

    Yes you can emoticon . Don't go back to that dark place after being in the sun. emoticon

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GABY1948 2/23/2014 4:47PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ILOVEMALI 2/23/2014 4:36PM

In control

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GINILEE4 2/23/2014 4:13PM


Holly. I want you to stop and remember how hard you worked to get to your goal. You worked your butt off, literally. SO, CONTINUE to be proud of yourself. You are NOT a failure. You are having a hard stretch right now and your motivation has slipped but you have NEVER QUIT. You are aware that this is a lifetime journey and losing weight does NOT fix everything, In fact, it places even more pressure on you. SO cut yourself some slack. You are human. How weird is that? You need to choose 1 small goal to work on regarding your eating. Remember babysteps? Time to dust them off and bring them out again. WHat goes around, comes around. I know that you will work all this out. There are stressful times in all our lives and we do the best we can. Interestingly, we are NOT perfect, ever. I know you and SIL are working together but remind yourself of the little steps that get you to a better place, mind and body. SLow down and smell the roses and enjoy this journey. It is one you will live with for the rest of your life.
You ARE a winner and perfection is an ideal but a poor ideal.

Gini emoticon

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SEATTLE58 2/23/2014 4:03PM

    I hear ya, girl! We have to have that strong desire to do it! To really do it again! It's so easy to let things slide, especially at a time when there's stress all around us. Believe me, I know. We need to go back to the beginning and remember what we did then. I remember doing 10 min. walks and that just about did me in! emoticon I remember cutting out all pasta and other simple carbs and getting a lot of the 100 cal. packs of things I loved and felt that I couldn't do without. I ate a lot more veggies and fruit and yogurt. I know what to do, it's just a matter of getting that desire back. I need to think of why my precious sister passed away. That's what scared me into submission!! She didn't take care of herself and she got Type 2 Diabetes and her quality of life left her rather quickly. I watched this all happen! It was so scary and I don't want to go through that! So little by little, we can do it again. Ya, we can, you can, I can! emoticon emoticon

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    It is so terribly hard to be at that point where we gain some back, to be at that F.I.N.E. point. So hard. It's like the point where you began it all- you have to get there again. Something inside has to click or change, or you have to force yourself you start the healthy eating again. We can lose weight strictly on calorie restriction alone, but the endorphins gained through exercise will help with the positive mood.

It's worth remembering (and something I have to remind myself of often): I may not be able to control things going on around me, but I can control the food I put in my mouth.

Big hugs. You've got this!

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RHAPSODY43 2/23/2014 3:36PM

    Your plan sounds like a good place to start. Sometimes when life gets too stressful and overwhelming, it's a good time to refocus on ourselves. We all need those moments when we regroup and remember that we are IMPORTANT even while this crazy thing called life swirls around us. You've got this!!

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KLMEIRING 2/23/2014 3:35PM


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LEORAJO 2/23/2014 3:26PM

    Dream big....you can do anything if you really want to....you have a plan....go for it...we are all here for you. Wishing you all the best. emoticon

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

MY truths about weight loss

Sunday, January 19, 2014

I don't know how or where to begin this blog... there has been so much going on in my head lately about my weight loss, or lack there of... I just can't get out of my own head. I've been fighting to see the big picture, what I've accomplished, how far I've come... Instead, all I can see is the weight I've gained, the puffy face, the muffin top and how much farther I have to go now... I've been fighting to feel good about what I've done and who I've helped. Instead, I feel like a fraud and a failure. I feel like I've left everyone down, especially myself. That's my truth...

When I set out to do this 3 1/2 years ago, I NEVER thought I'd get this far, so I have NO idea WHY I feel the way that I do. I've already surpassed any expectation I had, so how can I feel like a failure? That's the issue... I'm NOT a failure, I'm NOT a fraud... I also said I'd never be someone who "gained the weight back." I got on the scale for the first time since the Dirty Girl on September 6... I've gained 17 pounds... It's embarrassing, but that's my truth...

I've always been very honest with myself, and I know I'm not going to see a "healthy BMI." That would mean I have to weigh less than 127... no thanks! My doctor doesn't have a problem with the goal I've chosen, and that's good enough for me. I see people posting pictures of these amazing bodies, and I know I'll never look like that, and it doesn't bother me in the least. I don't work out like they do, I don't eat like they do, how can I pretend I'll ever look like that? It's not going to happen, and that's my truth...

I knew that when I started, I was going to finish. I was going to do what ever I had to, to see that magic number on the scale. This last year has been nothing but struggles, and most of them mental. I've said forever, that the mental part of this is SOOO much more difficult than the physical. You can eat right, and exercise, but that doesn't prepare you for the games you have to play with yourself to get things done. That's my truth...

Say no to pizza, don't have a piece of your kids birthday cake, don't drink the wine at your anniversary dinner, and walk away from the cookie table at the Christmas party... WHAT?!? I have nothing but respect for people that can do that, because I can't! I don't want to. I want to enjoy my life and I want to do the things that make me happy. Does pizza, birthday cake and wine make me happy? Sure, why wouldn't it? No, it's not the food itself that makes me happy, well maybe the pizza, but it's the event and the circumstances in which those foods are present, that make me happy. And honestly, to say no to those things during those events, most of the time, would make me miserable... So no, I've not given up those foods. That's my truth...

I don't have a fabulous diet or exercise plan. I eat processed foods and sweets and I only workout about 30 mins a day. I don't feel that "high" that others talk about after a workout, and I don't get excited knowing that I have to do it. But I know that it's something I HAVE to do. The thing is, I haven't done anything or cared about anything for a VERY long time, and that's why I've gained 17 pounds. NEVER in 3 1/2 years have I cared so little about myself that I gave up. I stopped caring about what I was eating, and I pretty much stopped working out. I just didn't care that I was consuming an enormous amount of food and being incredibly sloth-like. It was kind of fun for a while... eating what I wanted and sitting on the couch all weekend... That WAS my truth...

I had no intentions of "re-starting" on January 1st, and I didn't. I had, and still have, a lot to work out in my head, and it's finally gotten to the point where I'm ready to get back to business. I've joined the gym with my SiL, and I've tracked every bite I've taken this week. I'm back to 182 pounds, and that makes me sad and a bit sick. I was 15 pounds from my goal, and I quit caring... I GAVE UP ON MYSELF. I'm done with hating myself and what I've done. I'm done not caring about me. I'm ready to finish what I started. That's my truth...

I am not perfect. What I'm doing I have to do for me, in MY time. But I also have to deal with the all of the bull sh!t that goes along with it, in whatever way that I can. Regardless of how much I've gained back, I've still lost 125 pounds, and that's something to be proud of. I'm not a fraud, I'm a fighter.

I didn't start this 3 1/2 years ago to ALMOST finish, and that's THE truth!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LEORAJO 2/23/2014 3:34PM

    You are so honest with yourself. Thanks for sharing. You are definitely not a fraud. You have accomplished so much and you will finish the way you want to. Keep up the good work. emoticon

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CHSHULER89 2/21/2014 1:09PM

    You are you and real and that is what we love about you! It does get frustrating, but you are doing great and will keep doing great! It is nice to know there are other great people going through the same.. You will find your answer... I am always going through the same thing.. Now I have this new obstacle, but know I have God, faith, friends, family, etc. As always thanks for sharing! Looking forward to seeing you some day!
Keep pushing, inspiring, and living a real life!:)

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2BEABETTERME 2/17/2014 9:54PM

    I'm just getting back on track and catching up with my friends. I love this blog! I may be miserable at where I am and all the progress I erased giving up on me; but, I am not done. I may be slower than I ever imagined; but, I will get there! Thank you for putting it in perspective and inspiring me!

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NETGYRL 2/16/2014 1:46PM

    Thank you for writing this blog. I, too, was one of those people that thought "I will never put that weight back on again!" 60 lbs later... But I'm back now and hopefully with the help of all my buddies here on Spark I am going to make it all the way to goal this time.
so will you!

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RUNMOREMILE 2/7/2014 10:21AM

  Thank you for sharing your struggles. It takes guts and courage to be real and honest with yourself. You are definitely not a fraud, you are learning. You will be so much better for it. Be kind to yourself. Today was my first weigh-in after coming to my truth...I had gained weight and now it was beyond a doubt affecting my health. I came to the conclusion that I have some hard truths to face and some self-reflection to do. This past week I've logged my food and fitness. But, of course it's hard. Right now I don't think that I can eat pizza or cake because I'm afraid of it being a slippery slope. I hope that someday I'll think differently. Right now, for me it is just too hard for me to go down that road. However, I respect what you're doing and wish you the best.

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JANISMKW 2/5/2014 12:05AM

    Good for you being honest with yourself.
I like to think of the weight I've lost as cinder blocks I'm not carrying around. A cinder block weighs 14 lbs. Imagine your life today if you had to carry 9 cinder blocks throughout the day. That's how much you have done for yourself!
Deprivation leads to binging... own your choices each day. One small piece of birthday cake didn't cause your problems.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SEATTLE58 2/4/2014 11:19PM

    Good for you! emoticon I love truly being honest or I just don't feel very good if I'm not. And it's also a way to face reality and we have it in our power to make ourselves better and healthier. It's all about transforming our old into the new. I agree with you wholeheartedly that it's best not to avoid red light foods completely. We need to learn how to partake and still come out winning!! This is all a learning ground and all along the way we will struggle and fall, but we'll also get right back on and march onward...........to our goals and then keep marching to maintain our success!! emoticon

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PIGGYWAY 2/4/2014 7:42PM


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AJB121299 2/4/2014 5:35PM


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KDYLOSE 2/4/2014 2:22PM

    Girl, you need to take another look at your before and after photos. You have undergone an utterly amazing transformation, and you did it all yourself through determination and hard work. What would you say to your best friend if she lost 125 pounds, then gained back 17, and was getting all down on herself? Well, tell that to yourself! Tell yourself what an amazing success you are! You hit a little bump, that's all, and you obviously have the smarts to continue on to your goal.

Comment edited on: 2/4/2014 2:23:50 PM

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LAILATN 2/3/2014 3:22PM

    What a great blog - I just now read it, going over past featured blogs. I love your honesty! It's so hard to constantly say "no." It's SO easy to gain weight back. I admire your fire in not giving up. I think all of us who have posted about losing any weight have felt like a fraud at times. Every day has up moments and down moments, and anyone of us can have bumps in the road on this weight-loss journey. Anyway, just wanted to tell you thank you.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ORGANICFARM 1/29/2014 12:08PM

    Thank-you for sharing your personal story and struggle. I am stuck right now so your words are encouraging.
Take care

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CJKARDELL 1/29/2014 9:25AM

    Remember to take this journey one day at a time. You are in my prayers to get through those mental struggles. I suffer from depression and know how it can take a toll on a person.
You can do this. You have already done an amazing job.
emoticon emoticon

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BBORDEN86 1/29/2014 9:10AM

    You know what is so inspiring is the fact that you remain humble and honest throughout the journey, and for that you are far from a fraud. You are most definitely NOT a failure either. Everyone has set backs, but you haven't quit and that's the most important part. We all want to enjoy the little things in life that got us to our unhealthy selves. We can enjoy those things and STILL lose weight. I would have already gave up if I could eat what I wanted. If something sounds good. I have it. There are no questions asked. I track it, and try to make other meals better and keep going. If I focus too much on the fact that I ate something not so healthy it will eat me alive. Guess what... who cares what you eat. Who cares if you have weeks that you don't workout. I have yet to workout once and I've been back at it for almost 3 weeks. I've still lost weight. I realize that may not always happen, but for right now I'm doing what works. Every person is different, and that's what makes us all unique. What works for one person, may not work for others we just have to keep trying until we find that thing that works. Don't beat yourself up though. Enjoy the cake with your kids, or the pizza on friday nights, or the super bowl snacks this weekend. Just get back on track the next meal, or the next day. You have made incredible progress! I haven't always been completely on board this thing way back when you started, I had just started this too. Lost 30lbs, and gained it all back plus 20lbs. I know you can do it, and I can too. Just look back at your before picture, and think about all the weight you have KEPT off. Let those motivate you. Keep up the good work, you are doing great!

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DIANER2014 1/26/2014 5:49PM

    Thank you Holly for your honesty! You've accomplished so much on your journey. You are amazing! You are such an inspiration! You've come along way! You have a lot of people supporting. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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1DERLAND14 1/25/2014 2:24PM

    I appreciate your truth an honesty in this blog. I had to face the cold hard truth this year of gaining back some weight. The scale has been going up and down for quite some time. I felt like I had lost the fire and fight you speak of in your blog. I felt like a failure and a fraud because I had once lost 80 lbs only be back halfway back to where I was before. However, I have not given up. I am not changing my life for some new years resolution... I want to enjoy life just as much as you. I know it is hard to find the balance, but I know we HAVE, CAN, and WILL! You have always been a HUGE inspiration to me and you still are. I love that you had the courage to post this blog because I know it isn't easy! I am cheering you on to that finish line, girl! I know it is just around the corner! :) Stay strong!

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CLPURNELL 1/24/2014 9:04PM


I understand exactly where you are. I was 10 pounds from goal and have gained almost 30. I have put what i wanted for myself on a back burner. to be social and to social events. Thanks for this blog it's just what i needed right now.

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CHANGEOLA 1/23/2014 8:06AM

    You have a great load of supporters who have said anything I could say much better. You have it in you to reach that goal of yours (your success speaks for itself)! I think this is your first step in the right direction emoticon emoticon

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ALOFA0509 1/23/2014 2:02AM

    A-men Sista!!! I love this blog soo much, I too am climbing out of this funk, and it's been a slow climb out, Keep believing and Keep pushing. You are such an inspiration to me girl!! " WONDER TWIN POWER'S ACTIVATE" emoticon emoticon

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POOKASLUAGH 1/22/2014 8:53AM

    I'm late to the party - couldn't get on the computer for a week after that surgery! - but I'm reading now and I couldn't agree with you more re: birthday parties and pizza and all the rest. I would NEVER say no to birthday cake at my kids' parties - it would feel like a slight to them. If I wanted to say no, I wouldn't go through the trouble of making sure they have delicious GF versions of the cake they want! I could easily make them a regular cake...but it feels like cheating, giving myself an "out." I mean, even before I knew I had certain food issues, if my kids asked for, say, an ice cream flavor I really didn't like, we would buy a small pint of ice cream for me, so I could still share - because sharing is part of the joy of the holiday or celebration. My birthday is in early March, so it always fell right in the middle of Lent growing up, and my mom always gave up sweets for Lent. But every year, despite Lent, she made an exception for my birthday - because that was part of the celebration, and it would hurt if she didn't eat a slice of my cake. Is that silly? Maybe. But, you know, my kids demand that their birthday cakes have no nuts (because Jason's allergic) and no gluten (for me), so it must be important to them, too.

I've never thought you have to eat 100% clean to lose weight - and actually, it seems that the cleaner I eat, the harder it is to lose, for some reason, I don't know why. Not that eating 100% junk food is good, haha, but balance is essential! You've got this Holly. You can do this. I'm not at all disappointed in you for gaining some weight back. I know how long you've struggled. I know how long you've stayed in the same range despite trying. You've owned up to it, and you're taking steps forward, and I love that you have some people like your SiL to work with. That makes it even better. :)

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WORKNPROGRESS49 1/21/2014 6:52PM

    emoticon for your honesty; I certainly can relate, Holly. "This too shall pass" and what matters most is that you know what you have done; that's lose 125 lbs!!! That's a tremendous amount of weight to lose!!! You should be so very proud of your accomplishments because I am so proud of you!!! We are all here to support each other along this journey; we will keep leaning/encouraging/supporting each other. Remember we (your Spark friends) are here for you and we know that you are here for us.
You continue to inspire/motivate/encourage me!!!
emoticon emoticon on all your accomplishments!!! emoticon

Comment edited on: 1/21/2014 6:53:17 PM

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SHANTI66 1/21/2014 4:56PM

    Hi Holly. Congratulations on your achievement of losing 125lbs. That's an incredible accomplishment that I would like to attain, as well. A few years ago, over the holidays, I binged on something I didn't even think I wanted and turned that "shame" and guilt trip of a 17 lbs gain, into a 77 lb gain and still more today. I never went back down in weight since.
I think it's great that you want to enjoy life and have some pizza, wine and cake. I did that when I was slim and because it wasn't banned or my focus, I was able to enjoy it occasionally, when I wanted it and leave it when I didn't.
What I find heartbreaking about this post, is how incredibly hard you seem to be on yourself. It's not your fault to feel hard on your self. Not in this crazy world. No blame here. I just shared a part of my story with you because I found, though maybe you won't feel the same way, that when I couldn't get out of my negative self spiral, like I said, my 17 lbs gain, turned into more than 77, because I just couldn't get over backsliding and making such a "stupid" mistake that affected my weight loss that had me back in the hundreds to back up, up, up the 200s. I don't want to see that happen to you :-)
Thank you again, Holly, for your honesty and sharing.
Please friend me on Spark if you would like to talk more.
All the best,
Shanti66 emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SEATTLESIMS 1/21/2014 1:46PM

    wonderful.. simply wonderful. I need to hear this too. I'm up a good 17 lbs and hating it.. and only have myself to blame. Learning to find a new balance with the foods and events I want to enjoy but at the same time finish what I started!
thanks for the post!

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JILLRY03 1/21/2014 1:23PM

    Are you inside my head right now? Because everything that you have said I relate to! I know you can and will meet your goals! Everyone has their slip ups and that's ok! Good thing is, is that you recognize it and you are going to correct it!! Good Luck I know you can do it!

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STAY39 1/21/2014 12:47PM

    I absolutely love this blog! Thank you for sharing this with us! My favorite paragraph is the one about the pizza and birthday cake. So very well said! I feel the same way. I would rather it take me 3 years to lose my 60 lbs and not deprive myself of these foods at certain times than it take me 1 year of being deprived. I just don't feel that is realistic to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Not for me anyway. You will most certainly finish this and then you will show us how to maintain! I have loved following your journey and look forward to the rest. Thank you!! emoticon

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UWPALUM 1/21/2014 12:16PM

    OMG, you could be in my head. I did a 10k at the end of October and then started to slowly give up on myself as well. I said some of the same statements from your blog over the weekend to my naturopathic doctor. Seems so much more real to see the words written out. I hope you can figure out the stuff in your head and get back on track. Remind yourself every day that you are more successful than you are giving yourself credit for right now!


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MISSB8604 1/21/2014 11:10AM

    Girl, I have no doubt that you'll reach your goals. You have nothing but love and support to get you through.

You are an inspiration to HUNDREDS of people, especially to me. You're human and humans make mistakes.

It's only a matter of time girl, ROCK IT.

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EMILYSMISSION 1/21/2014 10:02AM

    Holly, I have watched your progress for a while now (I am now under a new account) and I have to tell you, your story is what came into my head, and made me want to try again. You have inspired me to better my health.

Don't give up on yourself.

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DAWNESS0404 1/21/2014 7:01AM

    Thanks for writing this blog! I can totally relate. I've never lost as much as you but I have lost and regained and started all over. Last year I lost 40 pounds and gained it all back when I spent several months at the hospital with my son. I obviously had no time to work out but I also ate like crap also! It was all hospital cafeteria food and fast food! Then when he got home I went severaly more months not exercising and still eating like crap! But now that I have started exercising again I do it but I dont love it. I try to eat better now and started tracking again but it just gets harder each time you start over. Best of luck to you! You should feel really proud of all you have accomplished already!!

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F70176555 1/21/2014 1:23AM

    Wow look at all the people cheering you on!!!

Just stumbled across your blog and read through it. I just have one thing to say
"You've come to far to turn back!!!!!!!" emoticon

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TINAJANE76 1/20/2014 11:44PM

    I think it's so very hard for many of us to keep our motivation up at 100% all the time and you're totally not alone in going through what you're experiencing right now. I've been clinging on for dear life since early fall and have felt a lot of the frustrations you've been dealing with as well. The good news is that we're still here and we're still willing to fight for what we want! I know you've got it in you to do this, Holly, and that you can get to the wonderful happy place you've been working for these past three and a half years. We've got your back!

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SPUNKYDUCKY 1/20/2014 8:49PM

    A little honesty is such a beautiful thing. And for what it's worth I don't know anyone who has done this and only gone in the right direction. Our weights are pretty close to each other so we can cheer each other on!

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KARMAKITTY6 1/20/2014 5:44PM

    Your story and this blog (especially this particular post) is extremely inspiring. I have a long road. I started at 248 lbs with a goal of losing 100 lbs. I was able to take 30 off during 2013, but between the holidays and a new job, I too, slid the wrong way. I have put back on 7 of those 30 lbs and for a few weeks I have stagnated thinking about how I now have THAT much further to go to get to my goal. It is truly a depressing thought, and one that I have fed or ignored instead of trying to fix. However, after seeing this post, I realize that my now 23 lb loss is nothing to sneeze at and that I am not doing myself any favors by wallowing in self pity. So, posting my new starting weight today. I may not be able to spark every day, I am going to have the processed foods and sweets that I love, but I am going to remember with every bite not to love the food as much as I do myself. Nothing tastes as good as being fit feels (at least not after the first few bites)! Thanks, Holly!

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FUNGIRL81005 1/20/2014 5:41PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TRAVELGRRL 1/20/2014 3:58PM

    Holly, you got a tremendous amount of support for this blog and it's well deserved.

You got derailed -- big deal. Now it's time to put on your big girl panties and get back to it. 17 pounds is only a little over 13% of the weight you lost. No, it's not ideal, but it's FAR from insurmountable.

Now that you've come clean to the Spark community and to yourself, it's just time to get busy. That's all -- no guilt, no recriminations, no nothing. Just get back to what works FOR YOU, so you can be where you want to be.

Hugs. You've helped more people than you will ever know.

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GABY1948 1/20/2014 1:47PM

    Holly, thank you so much for being HONEST! This one today helped ME tremendously. You have many of the thoughts that have been rolling around in my head! I really feel that my health is my TOP priority, after all! And, besides, I will be 66 this year so how perfect can the old body get, anyway??? LOL But I do feel good!

Thanks for such an inspirational blog, Holly! emoticon

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KUJAYHAWKGIRL 1/20/2014 12:38PM

    You are so right, you are NOT a fraud! You have come so far. We all have times when we "backslide" (for lack of a better term) and suffer some weight gain. You've done the right thing by catching it before you got outta control (ie gained it all back) and you're now back on the right path. Way to go, and thanks for being honest. It's so hard to admit to our slip-ups in life, but every one of us has them. I gained 10 pounds between Thanksgiving and New Year and have been pretty much stagnant with losses and gains this past year...I seem to always have this "last 20 pounds" to lose! Just dust yourself off, get on your big girl panties, and get back to being fabulous!

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RECREATING_ME 1/20/2014 12:10PM

    Thank you for this honest post, Holly. I would never characterize you as a fraud -- being so real about your struggles is what makes you authentic.

Looking forward to cheering you on in 2014! emoticon emoticon

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MANLEYSANDY 1/20/2014 11:12AM

    I believe weight loss is 90% mental and 10% actual physical losing. I am with you 10,000%, I am never going to not eat the birthday cake, drink the wine or partake in holiday treats. I hate to work out, so I do what works for me, what I know that I can make my lifestyle. I lost all my weight by walking and simple strength training. I have shared this before but even though I shed the physical weight, I had not shed the mental weight and the weight slowly crept back on, not all of it, but, given an inch, who does not take a mile. That is why I started seeing a professional. Slowly but surely, my relationship with food is changing. I am not there 100% but I can feel the control food has had over me fading day by day. Last year I did not even think about losing the weight I had gained back, I just wanted to shed the mental weight. This year I think I am ready. But I am going to attack like I always do, enjoy my life, but watch my calories and exercise and the weight will come off, just like it will for you!!

You can do it, but you gotta love yourself, I know everyone here does!!



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WEEPINGANGEL74 1/20/2014 9:38AM

    Wonderful blog! I know exactly how you feel, everything you wrote could be me (except the 125 pound loss...AWESOME!! Be very proud of how far you've come!) You have the right attitude, doing what works for you is the only way!

You can do it!

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BE-THE-CHANGE 1/20/2014 8:00AM

    Holly, I have been here for 4 1/2 years. I could have written this blog - I should have written it when I started putting weight back on. But I didn't. And I just kept gaining until I was almost back to where I started. I think writing this was your first step back to where you want to be. Thank you so much for sharing! I know it helped me too.

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MADTHENURSE 1/20/2014 7:16AM

    You got this. I'm proud of your honesty - and in the public forum... It's tough but doable - look at where you are!!! Allow yourself to be happy and proud. Kick that negativity away.

You got this!!

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MAUREENREDUX 1/20/2014 6:41AM

    How to get out of a slide? Sometimes it seems easier to jump off a moving train--- I gained back allmy lost weight - and then some- over the holidays and I mustered the strength to pull myself out of it. Spark people and a friend were a big part of it- and I know it have to do it from inside as well. You have already figured out the hardest part - acknowledging the issue. Forever is a very long time- and that's how long this journey will be. You have made huge strides-

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BEANIES_MOM 1/20/2014 6:07AM

    emoticon For posting this. I have been doing the mental battle for weeks now and I know that I need to get out of my own way, but well it's hard. You will get to your goal I KNOW IT. emoticon

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JACKIE15108 1/20/2014 4:37AM

    emoticon emoticon
I agree with everything you said. It is all the brutal honest truth. From my few months of ealthy lifestyle change, the mental part is the worst part of this.....then exercise and truthfully the diet and giving up junk food is no problem for me.
You're headed on the right track going bac to the gym, tracking etc....
Good luck!!!

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SUGAR0814 1/19/2014 11:50PM

    I can totally relate! Your truths are my truths! I gained 12 pounds over the holidays. Am I upset about it? Sort of, but I didn't do anything to prevent it, so I'm back to doing what I need to do get it off. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JESSIHOVER2 1/19/2014 11:21PM

    Honesty is always refreshing!! Just remember you're only a failure if you give up. You've got this.

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ILOVEMALI 1/19/2014 9:25PM

    Keep working it, Holly. I'm close to goal, too -- and have been thinking about the enormity of having to do this for the rest of my life. One of my SP friends reminded me to GET THERE and the worry about the rest of my life!

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OHMEMEME 1/19/2014 8:27PM

    Best wishes Holly. This is a lifestyle that we have to customize and balance so that we can do it forever. I like cake, wine, pizza...and still work it in...dig really deep and find your will and strength. I have had very similar experiences but just keeping on makes it better. (Be careful about true "depression.") it affects us in so many ways. Learning to manage.... emoticon

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JRICHART 1/19/2014 7:55PM

    You are in spiraling and you are an encouragement. It doesn't matter how long it takes us to fight the battles to get to where we want to be what matters is that we are fighting.

You will get there in time and we will all celebrate the success with a big piece of cake covered with icing!

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A very honest magazine article

Tuesday, January 07, 2014

This is a magazine article that my SP friend Amanda posted. The statements that are made in this article are 110% true to MY journey. I can definitely relate to the Harvard grad student...

If you click on the link for Julia's photography, please be aware that they are nude images. FYI, she also used to be on SP. How cool is that?


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SWEETLIPS 1/17/2014 12:26PM

    This was a wonderful article. Thank you.

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TINAJANE76 1/13/2014 1:24PM

    Thanks for sharing this article, Holly. I've struggled with lots of the issues the author mentions too and, with almost two years of maintenance under my belt, can attest to the fact that losing weight and keeping it off is not a magic bullet for everything in life. I've experienced the disappointments she describes and the permanent reminders of where I had been before (stretch marks, loose skin). In spite of all that, I would NEVER trade where I am now for where I was four years ago. I've got my good health and I'm no longer held back from doing what I want to do because of my weight. I try to keep that in mind whenever I look in the mirror and start to focus on my flaws instead of embracing how far I've come!

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KONRAD695 1/13/2014 10:02AM

    I knew bout this, but never understood it. It is very reveling, and gives me a new dimension on others weight loss. I was fortunate with mine.

Konrad emoticon

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TRIANGLE-WOMAN 1/12/2014 10:42PM

    Thanks for posting.

Very sobering.

.•´¸.•´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`-:¦:
We Can Do It
One Day at a Time~
Spread the Spark!!
..`•.¸.•´... ¸.
(¸.•´ (¸.•´

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FIZZYBALL 1/11/2014 1:17PM

    So true. Weight loss is not a magic happy pill for your body or mind.
Thanks for sharing.

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KATHIC2 1/11/2014 8:39AM

  Very thought provoking.

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BE-THE-CHANGE 1/10/2014 10:56PM

    Thanks for sharing this, Holly. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

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CLPURNELL 1/10/2014 4:05PM

    emoticon emoticon

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ENDERLI 1/9/2014 1:36PM

    It hits the mark. Those photos are inspiring though. I totally understand the "when I get there everything will be better" attitude. I know I've been guilty of that too.
Love you Holly! Thanks for sharing.

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MISSB8604 1/9/2014 12:50PM

    Unbelieveably great article, thanks girl.

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SOPHIELSMOM 1/8/2014 2:48PM

  Holly, thank you for sharing this article. I have been reading your blog for the last several months and really appreciate your honesty.

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FUNGIRL81005 1/8/2014 2:45PM

    Loved the article...Thank You for sharing!! emoticon

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SEATTLESIMS 1/8/2014 11:46AM

    wow , what a powerful article and her photos were amazing and honest.
Thanks for sharing that article link!

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FINCHFEEDER80 1/8/2014 8:41AM

    thanks for sharing! Great read and dialogue. I shared over on FB, it might help some people.

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NGCHILD 1/8/2014 8:31AM

    Thanks for posting this. She is a brave and beautiful woman!

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NUMD97 1/8/2014 7:04AM

    Julia Gewlia! How lovely to see that years after leaving SP, Julia has kept her weight off. The article is a very insightful one, and merits serious attention: The unspoken of what occurs after being successful in reaching goal, and then more often than not the inevitable (for many) "Now what?"

This is what is so critical: Rather than rejoice in the fact that we succeed in attaining goals we never dreamed of in the past, we emphasize the imperfect part that has not been accomplished yet. I see this in blog after blog after blog that I read here. The weight is (not to over simplify) a manifestation of a much larger issue. One's personality does not change after 100 pounds have disappeared.

How can this be fought? Exactly as the article states: By being more honest in those "before" and "after" photos that the public drools over imagining it as one day being themselves attaining the same result, is a great start. And ultimately learning to be more kind and accepting of ourselves.

Thanks for posting. This was one of the best links I've ever seen on SP.

Comment edited on: 1/8/2014 7:05:53 AM

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GABY1948 1/8/2014 7:02AM


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TIGER_LILY_613 1/8/2014 5:48AM

    Great article. Thank you

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_BABE_ 1/8/2014 5:25AM

    Life is never going to be perfect and while it is a good decision to lose weight we have to be happy with ourselves NOW.

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CHANGEOLA 1/8/2014 4:29AM

    Thanks for posting Holly. I have seen this article before but I glad it continues to be posted because it is important. I know people need to be educated about it just from reading the comments on the article emoticon Funny how people think that you must not have done enough strength training etc, because your skin should snap back. Yea right! My co-worker asked me the same thing, and I told her no, it doesn't always snap back. Folks forget that there are many factors that depend on how your body will react to weight loss. Like, how long were you overweight, how much were you overweight, did you lose it slowly, how old are you, how many kids, etc.

emoticon for sharing.

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SUGAR0814 1/7/2014 11:35PM

    Wow! Thanks for sharing!

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LAURIE-RN 1/7/2014 10:21PM

    So true.


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    What an awesome article! It is SOOOO true. It's really hard to realize what your new body looks like to others when you still see the fat person in the mirror. We can do this! Thank you for sharing!

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SIMONEKP 1/7/2014 9:23PM

    Thanks for sharing

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NASFKAB 1/7/2014 9:19PM


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TRAVELGRRL 1/7/2014 8:42PM

    Very sobering. Thank you for sharing.

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SPEEDY143 1/7/2014 8:20PM

    Enjoyed the article and pictures.... I lost 125 pounds in 9 months with a doctor on a protein sparing fast when I was 33 years old and had no lose skin problems... the 70 I've lost on SP in about the same time frame by eating healthy at 66 years old has left me "Flab-u-lous" I have the fatty curtain and bat wings... my skin is crapie and I hate my neck wattle BUT I feel 150% better and honestly that's all I care about. Granted I'm married, DH loves me just the way i am... I have no desire to wear a bikini and if I dress right you can hardly tell so I accept that everything sags and I'm far from perfect. What I've gained is my health and that's what's important to me emoticon

Props to Amanda for putting herself out there... I think she is beautiful emoticon Thanks Holly for sharing emoticon

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FELINEBETTER 1/7/2014 7:49PM

    Wow! What an incredible article AND collection of photos. Her honesty is great! I wish more people could see/read this. I know it has sure given me a lot to think about too.

Thank you for posting this!

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JRICHART 1/7/2014 7:42PM

    I see her photos when I look in the mirror. I'm down 65lbs from my highest weight and see the extra skin on my tummy especially. I hate doing planks, push-ups, and even sit ups because I can see the skin just hanging there. It always rolls over my pants and makes me so self conscious. When I am honest with myself it hurts, having to adjust my clothing to fit my body is no fun...but being overweight and unhealthy is even less fun. At least now I can play with my kids, at least now I don't hind from a camera, at least now I don't worry about high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease. If all I have to do is worry about how to squeeze my flabby skin into that sexy negligee then I guess I am doing ok.

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POOKASLUAGH 1/7/2014 7:33PM

    So happy you're posting this too. I think more people need to see this!

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ILOVEMALI 1/7/2014 7:27PM

    Wow !!

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GINILEE4 1/7/2014 6:56PM


Holly. Thanks for the real life images of what is to come. For sure, forwarned is forarmed. I think we all need to see these images to help ourselves look at why we are losing weight. For me it is about looking better for other people, feeling lighter, being able to do things I can't do now, being healthier, living longer, getting off some of my meds. At my age, 62, while I don't want to look like that, I more so don't want to look like I do now. I also don't want the restrictions I have now.
I thank the lady who was brave enough to share herself with us and hope some of our younger people, look very carefully at what it is they hope to accomplish.


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MINEA999 1/7/2014 6:31PM

    wow - great article and the photography collections are wonderful in their honesty. Some of my struggle I think is that I'm actually scared of losing the weight and feeling even worse about the shell that is left.

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WORLDSERIES11 1/7/2014 6:30PM

    Very informative! Gives lots to think about. Thanks for sharing:-)

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