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HOLLYCHARRIER's Recent Blog Entries

Just what I needed to hear!!!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Sunday afternoon, I went to a wake to be supportive for several of my friends. A dear woman passed who had left her mark on a lot of people that I love and hold dear to my heart. I knew Monday would be chaos for me and I wouldn't be able to attend the funeral. I had a catering engagement that Monday night, but I planned to prepare some food for my friend's family too. My health has been a big issue for me and to be quite honest--- I never know from one day to the next what to expect. I have learned not to make plans-- to just do what I can do and hope for the best.

Saturday I had overexerted myself and my body was really calling me on it. I got up Sunday and against my body's agonizing pleas, I went to church, then out to eat with some friends and my parents. Afterward, I took me a quick nap before the wake. My head hurt, my body ached and my spirits were low, to say the very least. I took extra care in my make up. I figured I could maybe "fake" my way to looking presentable.

I know that I have been looking "rough" lately. I see myself everyday and usually more than anyone else does. My mom is wonderful but she is also truthful and she has told me how poorly I have been looking lately. My body seems to be a battle of extremes--- either I get a lot of sleep or none at all. Either I feel good or I hurt everywhere. There are no middle grounds with me.

Imagine my surprise and pleasure when I entered the viewing room and a man I have never EVER laid eyes on before, walks up to me and tell me "You are as pretty as a picture" he was quick to tell me he wasn't flirty and wasn't hitting on me, but that I was very pretty! You could have knocked me over with a feather. He then walked out of the room and I didn't see him anymore the rest of the night!

I told my mom about him and she asked if he was still there, she thought maybe she knew who he was or how he knew the family. I looked for him-- but he wasn't there. I playfully told my mom that he was an angel, sent just for me! Winning the lottery couldn't have been more beneficial to me! I walked on clouds for hours, even days later. Matter of fact, I still am!

It's amazing how something like that can change your whole outlook! I am not a troll, I know this but I have battles with myself all the time. I have tape recordings from my past that tell me all the time that no one will ever love me, that I am not attractive and that no one could ever be interested in me. To have a complete stranger, go out of his way to tell me I was pretty was music to my ears and medicine for my soul. It was just what I needed to hear and just when I needed it most! I still have no clue who this man was, but he was nothing short of a miracle for me!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHERIE55 11/18/2008 7:39PM

    I'm happy for you! This is really a very nice thing and I do believe it could have been an angel. Thank you for sharing this. Cherie

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ABAZOODAY727 11/18/2008 1:27PM

    Wow! I have chills! No matter what you think, YOU ARE A BLESSING! God makes no mistakes! Everyone is special and deserves to be loved! I am glad that "Angel" found you! YOU ARE LOVED!!! Have a wonderful day! emoticon

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This is so frustrating!!!

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Last month I gained almost all of the 43 lbs I had lost back--- not because of bad eating habits or lack of exercise. To be totally honest-- I don't know why and neither does my doctor. I was retaining a ton of fluid-- my hands, feet, legs and face were huge. I couldn't breathe, it was hard just to walk. As suddenly as it came on-- it is now leaving. I lost almost 21 lbs in just one week!!! This is so frustrating. I don't know what is going on with my body!!!

I spent all last week in Shreveport at LSU hospital (not in the hospital but as an outpatient) doing EKGs, labs, stress tests and nuclear stress tests. Of course, the doctors had little if anything to tell me-- "we'll report our findings to your regular physician"

It is increasingly harder for me to breathe and any exertion at all has me sweating, panting or in severe pain. I know part of the problem is my house. I live in a very old house and it has some mold issues. My landlord won't do anything about it (granted he is rather old) and I can't find anything else in this price range locally.

I haven't been able to work in months and I am having to rely on my parents and my daughter just to help me make ends meet. I have always been an independent person, so this is heartbreaking for me, to say the very least. I have worked several jobs at a time almost all my life. Not working is driving me crazy. I don't like not having any money--- I have bills, my daughter's b-day is next week and the holidays are fast approaching.

To say I am depressed would be an understatement. I have had such terrible thoughts running rampant in my head, but don't worry-- I won't act on them. I just feel so useless to everybody. I feel like I am taking up somebody else's space-- someone much more worthy and useful.

I know it sounds like I am having a pity party, and I may very well be, but I am so tired of being sick, I am so tired of being obese and I am so tired of just being!!! On second thought-- frustrating doesn't even begin to describe how I feel, but I draw a blank at a better word.

I have a few friends that can relate to how I feel and my mom has basically the same issues, but so many people look at me and say "you look good, so how come you feel bad?" UGHHHHHHH My daddy, bless his heart, I know he is concerned but at the same time-- he has absolutely NO concept as to how horrible I feel or how much I hate feeling this way. Of course, he has hardly ever been sick in his entire life, so how could he possibly know?

All in all-- I want to feel better, I want to be able to go back to work, I want to be able to do things without feeling like my heart is bursting from my chest, I want to have a day without a migraine or a headache of any kind--- I want to feel "normal" or just like everyone else again. Is that so bad???

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MRSLAZZLOE 11/12/2008 4:52PM

    Hey Holly, sorry I am slow to read this. I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. If there is anything I can do just let me know. I hope you have some answers soon!


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HOFMAE 11/7/2008 11:26PM

    I hope your docs find out what is wrong with you-you must be scared.

If I were you, I would report your landlord to the state. Most states should have regulations requiring landlords to keep their properties liveable. And mold infestations are not liveable conditions, as they can cause health permanent problems.

Hope you feel better soon, Liz

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BRIANNE7924 11/7/2008 7:06PM

    Oh my! I am sorry your going though so much! I hope they find out what is wrong soon. I can't really think of anything to add that others haven't already said. I relly do hope everything gets better and soon! emoticon

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ITS_4_LIFE 11/7/2008 10:23AM

    I'm so sorry you are having such a difficult time. I hope the doctors figure out what is going on. I will pray that you get better. Hang in there.


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SHARBABY123 11/6/2008 9:32PM

    Oh sweetie, I hate to see you so down. Hopefully the doctor's can find out what's wrong soon and make you better. You are lucky to have your parents and daughter help you in your time of need. It won't be forever and one day you may need to help them. So try to concentrate on getting yourself better first. You need that to be able to do the things you used to. You're right to come and let out your frustrations here. So try your best to not think the bad thoughts. We're here for you!
Lot's of hugs to you


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QUEENESTHER1960 11/6/2008 6:19PM

    Wow Holly, this sounds soooooo familiar: being depressed over health issues, not being able to work because of health issues, having to depend on others for help after being proud of being independent, disgusted with life...it sounds like me! Or rather the "old" me. Granted, I am still hard off financially right now, I still have health issues (but they are tremendously improved), and I still feel disgusted when I self-evaluate.

Obviously your weight gain (and then loss) is health related. You are taking steps to find out what it is exactly. Once the causes are found and corrected, life will begin to get better. I know that in the mean-time it is hard to feel positive or even worth while, but you know better, you know you are worth while! I am sure that your family would prefer to help you when you need it than to not have you at all. Suffering from bi-polar, I know that there really isn't anything that anyone can say to "snap" you out of your depression. All that I can suggest is to "ride the wave", stay as strong as you can, and try to be patient with yourself while awaiting test results (and treatment).

I agree with the prior post...concentrate on your immediate health issue, then resume your weight loss journey. Who knows, once the medical part is addressed-the weight journey may come very easy.

If you need to talk or vent, come visit anytime!

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MELODYO1 11/6/2008 4:53PM

    Holly, take the time you need to focus on getting your health back and try not to worry about your weight gain obviously it is a health issue and not because of lack of exercise or poor eating choices. Take care

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SWEETSWEETPEA 11/6/2008 4:49PM

    Sorry to hear about the things you are going through right now. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that everything gets better and you get back on your wonderful weight loss journey! Please keep smiling and know God will help you through it! Take care! emoticon

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Here we go... yet again!!!!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Sad to say but I am having to start over again with my commitment to SP. I was doing so good and then I got sick again. Between the emotional eating and the meds I was on I had gained a little bit of weight back, not much but a little bit. AND then the hurricanes hit!!!! OMG between Gustav and Ike-- all I did was eat!!! My kids had to come home (they live in Lafayette and Hammond) and brought an extra one with them (not that I minded that at all) but I have to cook more or we eat out more when they are home. Combine that with the fact that I lost one job due to my health and on the same day, lost one of my other jobs due to the massive flooding; I still have no idea when I can go back to that job. Then my doctor and my parents think I should apply for disability!!!! I am at wit's end! I am only 41 and do not want to be on disability but my body is revolting against me.

I am currently being tested to see if I have MS. The other day at my doctor's appointment-- she pointed out that I have the Lupus mask. I am already having migraines that do not respond to any meds and last for weeks to months at a time (the one I am currently experiencing is in its fourth week!!!!!! The fibro is really acting up and now my lungs are giving me grief due to the corn and cotton being harvested.

I feel like I have been eating everything in sight and almost anything that moves.... my cats are on high alert at all times!!! heheheheh But it is just gobble, gobble, gobble!!! I am even waking up to eat and that is sooooo not like me. So, as I said, here we go again--- have patience with me, I am determined to get this right-- it is just taking me several attempts at it. You know the old saying, "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again", well-- here I am try, try, trying again.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NAN71486 9/19/2008 11:47PM

    Congrats on trying again. We can't succeed if we don't keep trying! I too have to start again. We are all having trouble realizing that we can't eat anything we want too! So sad! LOL You can do it! Hopefully life will settle down and make things easier soon.

Nancy emoticon

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TDEVAULT 9/19/2008 8:57PM

    The fact that you are willing to start over and aren't giving up says a lot about you. You're determined to be a healthier person. I know you don't want to think about disability, but you have to look at the long term affects working is having on your body. My sis-n-law is on disability because of her fibro, but she still works when she can. It makes it a little harder to find a job, but she does a lot of temp work and she likes the variety. It's something to think about.

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    You have some major obstacles in your path but I think you can do this! I believe in you!

There is nothing wrong with starting over. That is what yo-yo dieting is all about.

But maybe this time you will do it for good! Here's hoping!


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Starting Over.... Again

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

I am starting over again with my SP diet plan. I did great for almost six months, then when I didn't meet my first goal of 50lbs by a certain date, I got frustrated. Compound that with the fact that I have been battling some major health issues and emotional ones too; well, I just sort of copped out. My weight slowly but surely crept back up and I now am 12 lbs heavier than I was in May!!!!

So.... I am starting over. My daughter will be leaving for school again next week, and I will be home alone again. I will have to make sure not to give in to emotional eating. Being alone and lonely makes the fridge seem like a long lost friend. I also plan to get more active. I had hoped to do that all along but between my health and a very long history of no exercise--- that didn't happen. Now is the time to put that into action!!!

I am a very big girl-- I can't go work out at Curves yet. Too big for the machines, but I do have a gazelle here at home and there is plenty of wide open spaces to walk or ride a bike. Not to mention I have a ton of exercise videos in my entertainment center. All I lack is proper motivation!

I would so love to meet that goal of 75lbs this year and I am half way there, so with my good friends here at SP and encouragement from my family and friends I can do it. My biggest enemy is ME! I defeat myself all the time! I know what I need to do-- I just don't do it. It is almost like I don't want to believe in myself or I don't want to succeed but that really isn't the case at all.

Yet, here I am--- starting over again, with hopes of doing much better this time!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VIRGINIA1966 8/10/2008 5:52PM

  Holly - I thought that I was reading some of my own comments about myself in your blog. I also feel like I purposely sabatage myself. I have discovered a lot about myself since last October, because I joined a 12 step program and have been learning to really look at myself and change what I need to. We use the serenity prayer a lot 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the strength to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.' We can only change ourselves. We do need support from others that understand what we are going through and that helps us gain strength as well as praying...both God given.
I also know what I need to do to get back a slim healthy body, but just can't find the strength or the time to do it. At least that is what I am using as excuses. I either hurt too bad or am too tired. I am an emotional eater. When stress gets to me, (which is normally several times a day!) I feel better by eating something to 'calm my stomach', or shop and spend money that I don't have.
Any way, long story short, I just joined the Spark People last night and am researching the site today. I plan on starting tomorrow. So, after work and the chiropractor, I am going to either go for a walk or lift some weights. Those are my plans. Since I told you, I will try harder to stick to my plan!!
Thanks! Keep in touch. Perhaps we can help each other get the job done and stay there!
Joan emoticon

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MRSLAZZLOE 8/6/2008 9:09PM

    Its SO good to hear from you! I REALLY need to get back on board too. I am just coasting and I need to re-commit soon. Hopefully I will be thru some work stuff in the next 2 weeks and I can refocus. Come cheer me along sometime! LOL

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LYNNIE63 8/6/2008 6:28PM

    Hi Holly!!
So happy that you decided to come back and join us on this journey. I know I can attest for many of us that jumping on the wagon and living a healthy lifestyle and losing weight is not easy. It's downright challenging!! I have been a committed member (addicted is more like it) since the middle of this past Jan. and I have only lost 14 lbs. I just kept sabotaging my efforts off and on for months until I developed healthier habits that now are a part of my healthier lifestyle. I drink water for #1, exercise, am mindful of what I eat, don't feel guilty if I mess up, tomorrow is a new day that I can try to do better and I have developed wonderful friendships here at SP. This place is amazing!! I read articles every day on here and stay connected with my amazing support network!! Best wishes to you and so glad you have come back. Don't ever give up on YOU!! We are all here for each other, good days and bad. Hugs, me emoticon I look forward to getting to know you!

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Let's try this again...

Sunday, April 27, 2008

I really hope this shows up here-- I wanted to share this with my SP friends-- it is too cute to keep to myself, but I am not the most techno savvy in the world, so keep your fingers crossed!

YEAHHHHHH, success!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATHYCANDOIT 4/28/2008 8:14PM

    Oh my gosh! I'm laughing out loud and my kids want to know what's going on! They'd never understand!

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X2MOVE 4/28/2008 12:01PM

    LOL. A co-worker sent this to me the other d ay. I love it.

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WATERGIRL60 4/28/2008 10:57AM

    How funny! Glad you could post it!

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LOLLIPOP62 4/28/2008 9:59AM

    LOL..I had to stare at it for a second to realize what was going on. Priceless!!

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SUNNYGAL2011 4/28/2008 7:11AM

    hey now!!! WHERE did you get MY PIC? emoticon
thanks for the LOL ~
your friend

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HEARTOFCHRIST 4/27/2008 11:29PM

    Hooray! It worked! Too funny...

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QTOWNLADY 4/27/2008 10:12PM

    thank you for the laugh

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MRSLAZZLOE 4/27/2008 9:25PM


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MOMSTREET 4/27/2008 9:19PM

    too funny!!!!! thanks

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