Saturday, November 15, 2008
Sunday afternoon, I went to a wake to be supportive for several of my friends. A dear woman passed who had left her mark on a lot of people that I love and hold dear to my heart. I knew Monday would be chaos for me and I wouldn't be able to attend the funeral. I had a catering engagement that Monday night, but I planned to prepare some food for my friend's family too. My health has been a big issue for me and to be quite honest--- I never know from one day to the next what to expect. I have learned not to make plans-- to just do what I can do and hope for the best.
Saturday I had overexerted myself and my body was really calling me on it. I got up Sunday and against my body's agonizing pleas, I went to church, then out to eat with some friends and my parents. Afterward, I took me a quick nap before the wake. My head hurt, my body ached and my spirits were low, to say the very least. I took extra care in my make up. I figured I could maybe "fake" my way to looking presentable.
I know that I have been looking "rough" lately. I see myself everyday and usually more than anyone else does. My mom is wonderful but she is also truthful and she has told me how poorly I have been looking lately. My body seems to be a battle of extremes--- either I get a lot of sleep or none at all. Either I feel good or I hurt everywhere. There are no middle grounds with me.
Imagine my surprise and pleasure when I entered the viewing room and a man I have never EVER laid eyes on before, walks up to me and tell me "You are as pretty as a picture" he was quick to tell me he wasn't flirty and wasn't hitting on me, but that I was very pretty! You could have knocked me over with a feather. He then walked out of the room and I didn't see him anymore the rest of the night!
I told my mom about him and she asked if he was still there, she thought maybe she knew who he was or how he knew the family. I looked for him-- but he wasn't there. I playfully told my mom that he was an angel, sent just for me! Winning the lottery couldn't have been more beneficial to me! I walked on clouds for hours, even days later. Matter of fact, I still am!
It's amazing how something like that can change your whole outlook! I am not a troll, I know this but I have battles with myself all the time. I have tape recordings from my past that tell me all the time that no one will ever love me, that I am not attractive and that no one could ever be interested in me. To have a complete stranger, go out of his way to tell me I was pretty was music to my ears and medicine for my soul. It was just what I needed to hear and just when I needed it most! I still have no clue who this man was, but he was nothing short of a miracle for me!
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Last month I gained almost all of the 43 lbs I had lost back--- not because of bad eating habits or lack of exercise. To be totally honest-- I don't know why and neither does my doctor. I was retaining a ton of fluid-- my hands, feet, legs and face were huge. I couldn't breathe, it was hard just to walk. As suddenly as it came on-- it is now leaving. I lost almost 21 lbs in just one week!!! This is so frustrating. I don't know what is going on with my body!!!
I spent all last week in Shreveport at LSU hospital (not in the hospital but as an outpatient) doing EKGs, labs, stress tests and nuclear stress tests. Of course, the doctors had little if anything to tell me-- "we'll report our findings to your regular physician"
It is increasingly harder for me to breathe and any exertion at all has me sweating, panting or in severe pain. I know part of the problem is my house. I live in a very old house and it has some mold issues. My landlord won't do anything about it (granted he is rather old) and I can't find anything else in this price range locally.
I haven't been able to work in months and I am having to rely on my parents and my daughter just to help me make ends meet. I have always been an independent person, so this is heartbreaking for me, to say the very least. I have worked several jobs at a time almost all my life. Not working is driving me crazy. I don't like not having any money--- I have bills, my daughter's b-day is next week and the holidays are fast approaching.
To say I am depressed would be an understatement. I have had such terrible thoughts running rampant in my head, but don't worry-- I won't act on them. I just feel so useless to everybody. I feel like I am taking up somebody else's space-- someone much more worthy and useful.
I know it sounds like I am having a pity party, and I may very well be, but I am so tired of being sick, I am so tired of being obese and I am so tired of just being!!! On second thought-- frustrating doesn't even begin to describe how I feel, but I draw a blank at a better word.
I have a few friends that can relate to how I feel and my mom has basically the same issues, but so many people look at me and say "you look good, so how come you feel bad?" UGHHHHHHH My daddy, bless his heart, I know he is concerned but at the same time-- he has absolutely NO concept as to how horrible I feel or how much I hate feeling this way. Of course, he has hardly ever been sick in his entire life, so how could he possibly know?
All in all-- I want to feel better, I want to be able to go back to work, I want to be able to do things without feeling like my heart is bursting from my chest, I want to have a day without a migraine or a headache of any kind--- I want to feel "normal" or just like everyone else again. Is that so bad???
Friday, September 19, 2008
Sad to say but I am having to start over again with my commitment to SP. I was doing so good and then I got sick again. Between the emotional eating and the meds I was on I had gained a little bit of weight back, not much but a little bit. AND then the hurricanes hit!!!! OMG between Gustav and Ike-- all I did was eat!!! My kids had to come home (they live in Lafayette and Hammond) and brought an extra one with them (not that I minded that at all) but I have to cook more or we eat out more when they are home. Combine that with the fact that I lost one job due to my health and on the same day, lost one of my other jobs due to the massive flooding; I still have no idea when I can go back to that job. Then my doctor and my parents think I should apply for disability!!!! I am at wit's end! I am only 41 and do not want to be on disability but my body is revolting against me.
I am currently being tested to see if I have MS. The other day at my doctor's appointment-- she pointed out that I have the Lupus mask. I am already having migraines that do not respond to any meds and last for weeks to months at a time (the one I am currently experiencing is in its fourth week!!!!!! The fibro is really acting up and now my lungs are giving me grief due to the corn and cotton being harvested.
I feel like I have been eating everything in sight and almost anything that moves.... my cats are on high alert at all times!!! heheheheh But it is just gobble, gobble, gobble!!! I am even waking up to eat and that is sooooo not like me. So, as I said, here we go again--- have patience with me, I am determined to get this right-- it is just taking me several attempts at it. You know the old saying, "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again", well-- here I am try, try, trying again.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
I am starting over again with my SP diet plan. I did great for almost six months, then when I didn't meet my first goal of 50lbs by a certain date, I got frustrated. Compound that with the fact that I have been battling some major health issues and emotional ones too; well, I just sort of copped out. My weight slowly but surely crept back up and I now am 12 lbs heavier than I was in May!!!!
So.... I am starting over. My daughter will be leaving for school again next week, and I will be home alone again. I will have to make sure not to give in to emotional eating. Being alone and lonely makes the fridge seem like a long lost friend. I also plan to get more active. I had hoped to do that all along but between my health and a very long history of no exercise--- that didn't happen. Now is the time to put that into action!!!
I am a very big girl-- I can't go work out at Curves yet. Too big for the machines, but I do have a gazelle here at home and there is plenty of wide open spaces to walk or ride a bike. Not to mention I have a ton of exercise videos in my entertainment center. All I lack is proper motivation!
I would so love to meet that goal of 75lbs this year and I am half way there, so with my good friends here at SP and encouragement from my family and friends I can do it. My biggest enemy is ME! I defeat myself all the time! I know what I need to do-- I just don't do it. It is almost like I don't want to believe in myself or I don't want to succeed but that really isn't the case at all.
Yet, here I am--- starting over again, with hopes of doing much better this time!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
I really hope this shows up here-- I wanted to share this with my SP friends-- it is too cute to keep to myself, but I am not the most techno savvy in the world, so keep your fingers crossed!
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