HOLLI_D   24,044
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Hard Winter

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

I moved in late November to a larger home. This has been one of the hardest moves to date and coming from me who has moved around more than my fair share, that is saying something indeed.

I have been fighting depression since November as well if not longer. I refuse to take medication to alleviate the symptoms of despair and loneliness as I remain convinced that if I make the right lifestyle changes that I can achieve a state of mental equilibrium on my own. I have been making those changes but like most good things, they take time.

I got into Nursing School finally for which I have spent the last two years upgrading my hard sciences. I was hoping that this would afford me some peace but instead I still feel a disquiet in my soul, hoping I have finally made the right choice for my life direction... How do you know??

Thankfully, all this emotional mumbo jumbo has not negatively affected my weight lose, the scale has been very steady at around 140. I would love to see it move down, but as long as it's not moving up I'm not going to complain too much.

I am in the process of trying to be faithful to the Candida Diet right now as my body and hormones are also all a mess. I fell off the wagon last night and binged but I'm used to doing this and have already forgiven myself and have started anew this morning.

I just wish I felt inherently "happier"... my joie de vive is lacking.

I will go for a bike ride this afternoon and quiet my active mind and find some peace.



Displaced mommy.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

My youngest child has started full-time school. My days are long suddenly and going to the gym only takes up about half of my mornings. I realized the other day that since school started I don't really shower at home anymore during the week.... a good thing as it means that I'm working out at the gym every day. But, this new found freedom is feeling much more like new found loneliness.

I have plans for the future... so I know that my *boredom* is going to be short lived but my days at the moment are long. I have a new house to look forward to in November. One that is going to require lots of painting. My new school course registration is less than a week away.

The summer was SO busy though that this haitus from insanity is leaving me a little dispondant.

In the past when I've felt down I used to turn to food to entertain me and give me warm fuzzy feelings. Now thankfully I turn to the gym and if all else fails window shopping for pretty clothes that I now look much better in than I used to.

As they say, this too shall pass.

I miss my daughter. She is my best friend. She is growing up so quickly!! I am so pround of her.



Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I have been stuck at my 145-150 now for almost 6 months. I think I need to seriously give up sugar for good. I can control my eating in every way except when it comes to sugar. I just don't have the self control.


Is anyone listening??

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Okay.... so where to start. I have lost 99lbs so far. I used to weight 240lbs. It has taken me two years to lose this much weight. I am not done yet. My whole life has changed.

But this isn't really about me today... I'm writing because I came home from the hospital today and cried. You see, my father is overweight and he developed diabetes about 10 years ago. I have always known him to be heavy... about 350lbs I would guess. He drinks, he smokes, he eats. That is my dad. He has never tried to take care of himself. Ever. He was diagnosed with kidney failure a year and a half ago. He now has a catheter going into his heart and hanging out of his chest for his daily dialysis (blood cleaning). He needed me to drive him to the hospital this morning because he had surgery on his eye yesterday. They were cutting out the bleeding veins that wouldn't stop and were making him blind. This is actually a "normal" side effect of being diabetic. We all know that type II diabetes is by and large caused by lifestyle. Ergo... he is making himself blind.

Now... my husband... (God, how I wish the whole, "you marry your father thing" were just a saying right now), is also overweight and has high blood pressure. Thankfully he is free of the vices of smoking and drinking but not the eating. He was put on a CPAP (continuous positive air pressure) machine three years ago for sleep apnea (caused from being too heavy). Now in the last few months his doctor has put him on high blood pressure medication with orders to LOSE WEIGHT! No dice. He won't track his food. He won't exercise. He won't listen. He sees what my dad is going through. He sees what I am going through. He isn't changing his behavior.

My friend at my children's school was talking to me yesterday about how her husband was giving her slack about her poor eating habits. She too is overweight. She was telling me that she doesn't smoke, or drink or really have any vice whatsoever except for her food. She told me she wasn't going to give it up for anything. She has three young children. Yesterday I had nothing to say to her about what she was telling me. Today I told her that I had just come from the hospital and that perhaps she should change her eating habits because she likes her vision more than her food.

My husband thinks I'm the asshole for saying that to her. The truth is I think she is fabulous and I am worried about her health. For her and for her babies. If I didn't care about her I wouldn't have bothered saying anything.

So... bad habits to the left of me, bad habits to the right... here I am stuck in the middle with you. What to do? I feel as though I am losing my mind. I am watching the people I love and like eat away their good health. Just cover up that good health in a big fat piece of fudge sauce. I love fudge sauce. Not more than my eyes though.

Not everyone is as "lucky" as me to have the wake up call from watching someone else go through hell. Some people don't even have the wake up call when the doctor brings out his prescription pad. Please.... LISTEN. Take control of your eating. What we eat determines how healthy we are.... it truly really does and no one can put down the cheesecake and pick up the salad but YOU! Read inspiring books... join a running club. Do something. Please. Even if you don't care, I bet there are people who love you who will be hurting when (WHEN not IF) you get sick.

Yes I know you can't make someone change but by God I have to try. I can't sit by and watch people I love hurt themselves when there is another way. It's not even THAT hard... sure there are days that seem impossible but those are followed by days that can be really great. TRY... Please just try. Forgive yourself when you mess up and then TRY again.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAREN42BOYS 9/23/2010 1:36PM

    you have a powerful story of changing your life and being willing to try to ignite those you love. you can encourage others to change, but they have to choose it.

your girlfriend yesterday knew you'd just taken your dad to the hospital, and she knows you are scared for him as well as for her. you weren't being awful.

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SPIDERGIRL502 9/23/2010 1:33PM

    I know how you feel, and you have my sympathies! I applaud you, too, for supporting the people around you and encouraging them to make better decisions. Don't give up on them!

It's strange to me, how people feel about food, like it's an addiction they're not willing to give up on, even if it means serious illness, pain and worse.

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LIFEGENESIS 9/23/2010 1:26PM

    I'm listening.

Thank you.


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Wow... I survived!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Well, we've all had the stomach flu one time or another but this bout that I'm still recovering from today takes the cake! Never before have I been so ill that I wasn't sure I could get out of bed at all... very humbling experience. My face is all bruised and beaten looking with broken blood vessels and my husband was kind enough to tell me that I still looked Purdy. I think he may need to get his eyes checked. On the plus side it is the fasted way EVER to lose 5 lbs... although of course I expect to gain it all back once I'm properly hydrated... but one can dream, no?


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