Sunday, August 04, 2013
I was so honored and surprised when the Maintenance Team wanted to feature my blog - I only write sporadically, and usually it's just to vent! But I often get so much positive encouragement, it just lifts me up and helps me to continue doing my best, day-by-day.
Many people struggle with negative self-talk, and it really takes effort sometimes to counter those thoughts with positive messages. I even do it and my heart is not in it (bad thoughts: "Oh, jeez, you're up again, can't you just learn to stop before you're stuffed" or "She's so pretty and has a nice shape, and she doesn't try. I wish I was so lucky to be naturally thin/pretty" Good thoughts: "Whatever! I will make up for it today/this week, I eat lots of fresh veggies most days and that will help." "Yes, but you look nice, too. Everybody has a unique shape, there is beauty in everyone."). So I may not really FEEL the good thoughts, but I say them to myself anyway. And I pray a lot - with God, all things are possible, even conquering weight woes, vanity, and negative thinking!
So, with that said, right now even though my weight's up higher than I like (had a nice time on a camping family vacation, and still fightin' to get those extra treats/drinks calories off!), I just completed my first ever mud run!
It was so much fun! I did the Dirty Girl Twin Cities one with a couple of girlfriends. We mostly power-walked it, as they hadn't been training and had some foot injuries they were recovering from, and we still finished it in about 45 minutes. I have come to love running (well, jogging really), and wished I could have ran more of it, but it was so nice to hang out with girlfriends rather than go off on my own. I think the Dirty Girl is a great mud run to try if you've never done one before! It's only 5k, the obstacles aren't too hard (and you can go around), it's not timed, and it's for women only. I felt great afterwards, not sore or too tired. We had gone early, too, to volunteer for 3 hours before our wave so we get a free registration for another one. So I hope to do it again next year!
Doing this and feeling this great afterwards reminds me how far I've come since my younger years. Running was unthinkable when I was a teen (I'd joke I'd only run if a bear was chasing me!). Going out doing a 5k, let alone a mud run, would have made me laugh! I never would do anything that challenged me or took me out of my comfort zone. So I'm proud of myself. I didn't feel challenged physically, but that's because of how far I've come - I'm in so much better shape than I've ever been. So when those bad thoughts pop up in my head, I now have another positive one to counter them with.
That's what doing races is about for me. It's a deposit in my positive thinking bank account. I may not be "perfect" the way I expect myself to be, but I can't take away these experiences I've created for myself - they're indisputable proof that I'm doing well!
Sunday, July 21, 2013
I've been maintaining a healthy weight range for a while now. My "goal weight" is 137, and using the Maintenance team's guidelines of +/- 3%, I've been successful. I don't always feel that way though.
Weekends are still challenging. I know I overeat, either at gatherings or just hanging w/my family or even a sugar binge one of the weekend days. I also drink more alcohol (beer or wine), which is just liquid calories. My weight has always gone up, even if it's just a pound or two. I get mad at myself about that, but I also try to forgive myself and move on. I don't dwell too long on it, and get back on track on Monday, or even strive to do better at the next meal. I just wish I had more willpower so never had to feel bad about myself! But then again, it's all a part of being human, no one's perfect, so I need to let it go and move on.
Any weight gain is also discouraging. I beat myself up about it, but then I will still continue to eat junk or snack for the day. The number hangs in my head like a hidden sin, but it's not enough motivation to make me eat better on the weekend. I get so happy when I hit 137 during the week, I feel like I really look good. But even though it's not noticeable, if/when I hit 139/141, I think I start to look fat and feel bad about myself. How crazy is that? A few pounds make me feel bad about myself? I would like to learn to let this go and base my feelings of self-worth on God's love and other less vain attributes.
So, by all outward appearances, I'm a successful maintainer. But inwardly, I often feel like a failure and discouraged. It reminds me appearances are deceiving, and when I look at another woman and wish I had what she has, I have to remember there are things she has going on in her life or head that cause her unhappiness, too. We are all the same in that regard.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
I've decided I have a sugar addiction! It probably sounds silly/crazy to some, but I get physically excited when I think about sweet treats. Then I over-dose on them and feel sick. And despite that, I still go back for more when the opportunity presents itself.
I noticed after 3 weekends of family gatherings and over-eating and over-indulging my sweet tooth, I felt so yukcy on Monday, then cut out most carbs and all sweets that day, then felt better on Tuesday. And one week I really tried to avoid all sugary treats and felt the best. You'd think that'd be motivation enough for me to just cut out all treats, but no! I just love'em.
I can remember being more picky about my treats - I didn't care for jelly-type ones (jelly beans, gummy bears, fruit-shaped candy, etc.), I only liked chocolate ones, and Skittles or Starbursts. But now if it's got sugar in it or on it, I want it!
I can go on a total binge if the candy is available - like after Easter. I can start feeling sick while I'm eating it, but still keep reaching for more.
So, I decided to join this challenge to see if it can help me break this nasty habit, help me learn new strategies for dealing with the cravings, and see if I can get my sugar habit in control. I hate the thought of nixing all treats out of my life forever - I love birthday cake and ice cream, and the desserts are my favorite part of family gathering meals. But, I would be willing to go that route if that's what it took to help me stop craving and binging on sugary stuff! But I honestly hope it doesn't come to that!
Today, already, I noshed on some cookies in the break room right away this morning - practically stuffing them in quickly so I could try each one before I had to get back in my room! It was first thing in the morning, and I was hungry - breakfast was a half hour away. Then, after eating a good lunch of a big salad with chicken and adding in lots of cooked veggies from the lunch offered here, as I was packing up some leftover breakfast foods to take home to my kids, I gulped down 2 mini pancakes - totally unnecessary! I've been dreaming of eating a kiss or two of dark chocolate I have stashed in my cupboard, or maybe a piece of hard candy would do. But I feel full physically, so there shouldn't be any reason other than it just feels good to have a treat during naptime. Like I deserve a reward or something.
Just writing this down strengthens my resolve to leave the candy alone! I'm glad I should be able to get out for a walk during my break - even though I mostly ate healthy foods for lunch, I feel nervous when I "feel full" - like maybe I overate or something. But then it seems like I get so hungry at certain times, no matter if I eat a lot or less at mealtimes! At this moment, I'm hoping that I feel just satisfied the rest of the day, so I can avoid caving in to cravings later.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
OK, so I've been struggling with the binge eating on weekends lately (and major sugar cravings!). I've been so frustrated by it and disappointed in myself and lack of will power/self control.
A chiropractor told me the sugar cravings could be a sign that I'm deficient in some vitamins/minerals. That could be, but I can't afford fancy-schmancy vitamins that cost $50 a month to buy! I didn't always have these issues, so I'm thinking it's more stress related.
As I pondered my situation, I came up with a great (and kind of, "Duh, Heather!") solution - one that Spark also advocates and endorses: rewards! I've got my eye on an eyeshadow quad and lipgloss by L'Oreal that I'd love to get for New Year's Eve. We're going to a friend's comedy club and it's fun to dress up and look nice for the night. So, for every weekend I get through without binge-eating I'm paying myself $2. At that rate, I should be able to "earn" the shadow and lipgloss by New Year's. It doesn't leave much (if any) wiggle room for mistakes, which means I better not make any! Or, if I had to give up one item, I'd let the lipgloss go. But that's not my goal! I really plan on working for these items, and when I think I want to go back for seconds or pig out on some treats, I think "No bingeing! Cute make-up at stake!" And I'm aware that I'm not really hungry, I'm just eating more because it tastes so good or out of habit.
Now, I don't want to give up letting a little loose on the weekends, so I've also tied an "under 140 lbs. on Monday" weight thing to the goal, too. As long as I stay under 140 by Monday morning, AND not stuff myself silly at any point, I will consider the weekend a success and get my $2.
I've also decided to "keep my head in the game," so to speak, I'm doing an exercise challenge of at least 10 minutes everyday - which means no Sundays totally off as I've always done. This last Sunday I did 15 min. Wii Fitness Coach yoga, which since I find yoga so calming and yet it's a good exercise habit/practice, is probably going to be my go-to workout for Sundays (I also like the videos you can find on the Yoga Journal website). I read in a DailySpark blog and FITWHIT's blog about doing something like that, and I've done it before during the holiday months to help keep me focused on my goals (or joined a Spark Challenge team).
So far so good - I weighed in at 130-something this last Monday (even though I technically binged on Friday night, but since the plan didn't occur to me until sometime Sat., and I "made weight" this last Monday, I decided to count this last weekend). I feel encouraged by this little step in the right direction - maybe it's just what I need to get back on track. If it works (and I pray it does!), I may have to think of similar little rewards to keep me focused as time goes on.
The biggest challenges are going to be the holidays - Thanksgiving, then Christmas and the cookies and goodies (I bet there's just piles of goodies about to come my way at work!), not to mention any weekend parties that are planned. But I hope to continue to stay aware - I will of course enjoy what's offered, just in moderation and NOT over-eat.
Wish me luck! I'm pretty optimistic right now!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
So, I've decided 130 isn't in the cards for me - it's just too hard to maintain that weight with the life I've got going on now.
I'm working full-time at a childcare center, 4 10-hour days a week. That's a pretty long day after being used to working at home doing daycare. I think things are actually going well, but of course I've got the mommy guilt of feeling like I'm not able to give my all to my home-front anymore. It's tough letting go of the control I had of the household. I appreciate (and really need!) my kids' and husband's help, but some things aren't done the way I would like them done (or not done at all once in a while!), and then I feel bad thinking I'm asking too much of everyone. But we're a family and we all gotta pitch in to make this family work well together! For the most part, now that the girls' extra-curriculars are done especially, I think we're all getting used to the new Miller lifestyle.
That being said, I just don't have the time to workout at the intensity I was when I worked at home. I get a 1/2 hour lunch break, which I usually use to go for a walk, but it's not like the muscle- or heart-pumping workouts I used to do. I still try to do a high intensity DVD every morning, which means I gotta get up about 4 am to fit it in and still have that "down time" of email checking and food tracking and coffee drinking I like to have before I really get going for the day (my husband thinks this is a time-waster, but I've always felt a need for some time to myself each morning - I know some people roll outta bed and straight to work - my husband's one of those - but I've never done that! I feel "off" if I start my day that way). So I'm doing the best I can on the fitness front.
The eating thing is OK most of the time - I take a copy of the daycare's menu home (it's a 4 week rotating one) and track the food on my tracker, so I know exactly how much of each food I can/should eat. It's mostly healthy stuff, but not all of it's great. It's not like the huge salads I used to eat everyday for lunch - and we're supposed to eat the same stuff as the kids to set a good example. I could cheat and bring my own in, I suppose, it's toddlers I work with, so do they really care? But I'm cheap and it saves me money to eat what they provide, and if I wanted to do it the "right" way, I'd eat my lunch on my break instead of walk - but that exercise is so important to me.
The thing I really struggle with (and have regrets right now as I'm writing this) is weekend eating - or should I call it binge-eating? I start having cravings Thursday nights already, and by Friday night I'm slipping away. I eat a little more sweets than I should, drink a couple drinks, and on Sunday usually truly binge on sweets or junk food (today I ate fried chicken, removed the skin, with some creamy pasta salad, coleslaw, cheesy mashed potatoes, cheese curds, a dinner roll w/jelly, snacked on kettlecorn and rice cakes, cake and ice cream, had two bowls of potato soup and 3 or 4 garlic toasts, and even though I felt quite full, couldn't stop myself from downing a glass of milk with a handful of cookies.....I'm embarassed to even acknowledge I did this, and I do it every Sunday). I try to "make up" for it by skipping breakfast, another unhealthy weekend habit I have. I just wind up hating myself every Sunday night, and every Friday morning I tell myself NOT to repeat this bad behavior, and then I just do. I'm not sure what's going on in my head or how to change it.
Now, I've decided to put my healthy weight maintainance range between 132-141 pounds. For this lifestyle I'm leading, it's a lot more realistic. But a part of me fears that I'm letting myself go...and it'll just be a matter of time before I blow up to 180 again. Every Sunday night I think these bad thoughts about myself, telling myself how weak I am and how I'll never be able to keep my weight in check - that in just a few years or less I'll be that matronly chubby chick again. I feel like crying just writing about it. I really want to stay in this range - I used to think a size 10 would be the highest I'd want to go and that'd be OK (I'm around a 6 I think now), but really right now I feel like angry at myself if I can't keep it at a 6. Like I'm a loser if I get heavier.
I just don't know how to achieve a happy, healthy balance for myself. I guess I've only been working full-time for about 4 months, so I need to keep at it and take note for the next year, I think. After a year, then I'll be able to access what works and what doesn't, and depending on what happens with my wieght, I'll be able to tell what is my new "normal." I just hope it stays in this new range! I so badly want it to.
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