Sunday, October 06, 2013
Some Sparkers used to follow my blogs with Lil Shel; my inner child, if you will...It has been a long time since I've 'visited' with her but she showed up as I was journaling yesterday...here is the excerpt from my journal...
...being easy on myself, though, as I recognize the behavior and sit with being scared...So...what scares you, Lil Shel? Wow...I haven't 'visited' w/her in quite a long time!
As I invite her to come out, she timidly shows her face a wee bit as she peeks over a pile of rocks she is lying behind that have accumulated since the last time I visited this little garden...I also notice a lot of weeds have grown up in the garden as well...I have a pit in my stomach that I recognize as fear...fear of what?
Of approaching Lil Shel after so long of neglecting her once again, getting pre-occupied with outward 'stuff' and people instead of taking care of Self...scared you have allowed yourself to manifest physically, what has been going on emotionally for all of your life?
Lil Shel pops her head up a little too eagerly, in my opinion, after I have neglected her for far too long...I glance at her with my eyes since I have been downcast since I arrived in the garden, contemplating Lil Shel...contemplating what 'scares' me.
Maybe Lil Shel has some ideas...she might even have some of the whys...the 'where they came froms."
I take a couple steps inside the garden, toward Lil Shel...she sits up behind the pile of rocks and seems pretty defeated.
"Hi there, Lil Shel," I say to her.
Her eyes, downcast now, responds quietly, "Hi."
I continue walking toward her and sit down next to her...and...the pile of rocks... where Lil Shel sits, sifting them through her hands and back onto the pile...over and over again.
"Whatcha doin?" I ask her.
"I'm mad," she says...looking up at me with angry eyes and her mouth in a grimace, quickly crossing her arms in front of her chest.
"I see," I say to her as I place my hand upon her knee...she is so brave sitting here...so regal as she uses her voice and body language to express how she feels...I could take some lessons from this child in front of me...ah, yes...I already have...she has helped me more than once before!
She is still glaring at me...sitting cross-legged beside me. "I understand, Lil Shel...I told you before that I wouldn't leave you again." Now I sat silent...feeling defeated myself.
She jumped into my lap just then and started crying...then she screamed, "I was so scared! I thought you were never coming back!" She softened her tone now as I saw her emotions change from anger to fear. "At first I thought you were just too busy, but then I thought you were never coming back! It's been so long...and now...now, I'm scared to trust you again."
She went limp in my arms, allowing her head to fall away, looking at the pile of rocks in front of us. I gently stroked her hair and her arms as she lay, lifeless, in my lap. Neither of us saying a word, I just stared at her as she stared at that pile of rocks.
I'm not sure how much time passed, but I broke the silence, "Lil Shel, where has this pile of rocks come from?"
She turned her head toward me and said, "These are all the things I need to talk to you about," as she waved her hand slowly in front of the pile of rocks.
"Oh, things you need to talk to me about," I said...nodding my head and looking directly into her beautiful eyes.
"Yeah...after you were gone so long, I started bringing a rock to the pile whenever I had something I needed to talk to you about...so I wouldn't forget." She broke our gaze and looked at the rocks again, "And you just never came back to the garden...and my pile of rocks grew and grew..." she was quiet again, looking away.
I gently turned her head toward me with my fingertips...she, however, kept her eyes from looking into my own.
"Lil Shel," I said. She slowly turned her eyes toward mine. "Lil Shel, which one of these rocks would you like to talk about first?"
She turned around in my lap, facing the rocks, with her legs hanging over my cross-legged ones and leaned over the pile. She started moving them and looking through them intently, until she found the perfect one...she picked it out of the pile and turned slightly toward me, handing me the rock she had just found. "This one," she said, holding it out to me.
I took the rock from her dirty little hand and asked her, "What did you want to talk about when you put this rock onto the evergrowing pile?"
"I wanted to tell you I was mad at you! But I almost didn't put that rock on the pile because I thought it was a bad thing for me to be angry with you."
"Oh, Lil Shel...you are allowed to be angry...when someone promises you something, like I did, and then they break their promise, it's ok to be angry. As a matter of fact, you are allowed to feel angry...whenever you feel angry," I said with a little chuckle as I made the same realization for myself. "Anger is an emotion...we are allowed to feel our emotions, Lil Shel...we just need to be sure to talk about them when they are stuck inside of us."
"But you weren't here!" she yelled as she jumped out of my lap, turning around to face me from above, her hands on her hips.
"I know, Lil Shel." I take her hands into mine, "I'm sorry..but I'm here now...and I think it's time we cleaned up this garden...we can keep talking about the rocks and we'll pull up all the weeds, one by one...allowing the garden to be in full bloom...as it was meant to be!"
"I'd like that."
I got up to my knees and hugged Lil Shel tight...after our embrace, we began to pull some weeds from around the bench in the middle of the garden.
We were embarking upon our journey, once again...together.
And...just want to be honest that I've been struggling over the past few months with food and bingeing since my GF and I broke up...trying to get through this and it has been very hard...so many changes...finding the value of myself through journaling, counseling and my naturopath...
Health...it's what I've been after...physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually...It is time to drop the old patterns and create newer, healthier ones...it is time for a shift.
Peace, love and light
Sunday, March 03, 2013
I can't believe it has been so long since I posted a blog...so much has happened in these months...
I guess a lot of what was bogged up inside of me was my true acceptance of who I am...makes sense to see how over the years I continually sought out approval of others since I couldn't accept the feelings I had inside my own self.
As I updated my sparkpage the other day, I just decided to be totally honest and come out with the truth...I have always believed that honesty is the best policy. Unfortunately, I was truly unaware of the feelings I was having...for so long, I didn't allow myself to have them, so can't think I was being 'dishonest' with myself.
A couple of weeks ago, as I was talking to a friend, I mentioned that I was sort of upset with myself for not realizing about my own sexuality sooner...because looking back now, there have been signs all along that I just kept pushing to the wayside. She gave me a great analogy that I will forever hold dear...she said, to have that angst against myself would be like taking a walk down a city street, coming around a corner and seeing a marvelous rainbow...if one gets on themselves and says...I am so angry that I didn't see the rainbow before, that would be silly as one was not in the right place to see it at all..however, when you come around the corner and see the rainbow, instead you stop, take a good look, then just embrace and appreciate the scene before you...actually, I've elaborated a little on the details and it really makes even more sense today than it did when she told me...Sooo...I am embracing and appreciating the rainbow in my view...(Rainbow is also a good vision of where I am heading!)
Needless to say, this realization has brought about many changes rather quickly...once I accepted it and told my husband and marriage counselor, we decided to divorce and have been on that path since December. I am in a new relationship with a woman I've know for over two years and have loved since I met her, but it has now moved to another level...I am happier than ever and we are going to be roommates beginning on April 1st...we just signed a lease yesterday on a house in town...we are both excited to move into Westcliffe from out of town...there will be lots of walking and bike riding to commence!
I also noticed when I updated my page, a quote about being happy, healthy and wholly accepted by myself...the questions were there, and now I am happy to say, I am happy and thouroughly accepted by myself...feels so good to be comfortable in my own skin, at last! Still working on the healthy part but also feel like it is just around the corner with my new outlook on life...
Anyway...just wanted to put a little bit of news out there with a little detail for some of my sparkfriends who used to follow my blogs when they were more consistent...
Love and peace to all...may you find comfort in who you are...
Thursday, May 31, 2012
My self-esteem seems to have plundered back to the bottom of the barrel as of late, however, I am determined to build it back up to where I know it needs to be. After all, it is the tricks and stories of the mind that send it on its roller coaster ride...
I have been spending time in meditation to determine what emotions are blocked within me and have also spent time letting them out...had some anger built up which I screamed out the other day and have been feeling somewhat better...today, I feel like there is more to be released and spent a bit of time in meditation and brought some things out.
I heard this time between the solar eclipse of May 20 and the lunar eclipse to come on June 4th, is a time open to once and for all release all the stuck feelings about the past and love our selves for the magnificent creatures we are. I'm working on this diligently.
Yesterday I was going to split wood but when I looked at my calendar, realized I had an appointment for a massage...that was a nice surprise...I can't believe I wasn't counting down the minutes!! We talked for a while, too, which is always nice...we seem to be going through many of the same emotional things at the same time through much different circumstances. Her perspective is always nice to hear.
We talked about those mind tricks and stories that play out and how we can deal with them in a sane manner.
I'm going to be away from the house the next 3 days as there is all kinds of wedding stuff to do for sons wedding. Tonight the party is coming up to use the house and I'll go stay with a friend. Tomorrow I work then head to the Springs for the rehearsal and will then stay in Pueblo for the night. Wedding is Saturday and I'll stay down there one more night, shop then head back up the mountain on Sunday.
I've been struggling with food lately...went 23 days binge free and am now on Day 3, but last night was a close call. The next few days should be easy though since I won't be home alone and will be out and about...not sure what all I'll be eating but won't have anything around to binge on at my friend's or at the hotel.
I can be sane...if only for today!!
Peace to my Sparkfriends...
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Life has definitely been interesting lately...I cannot complain of boredom, that's for sure, lol! I am slowly adjusting to living alone and am now coming off of the musical...Shakespeare rehearsals start tomorrow, though so theatre remains a large part of my life...of which I am so thankful.
I am really liking my new massage room at the chiropractor's office...I am enjoying the peace that I find there as opposed to the health food store. I am getting good responses from my clients and I think I am moving into a new realm of healing with folks...just allowing Spirit to work through me seems to be working rather well...I have always done that but somehow, whether it's the new atmosphere, the changes I am making within myself, or changes in the energy of the planet itself...I don't know what, but clients are responding with major shifts of energy in their bodies...I am thrilled to be a part of it all!
Our son is getting married on June 2nd so we are getting ready for that...I started making a dress for our daughter to wear to the rehearsal dinner but don't have the proper needle for my machine to not mess up the stretchy fabric...Jeff will pick one up for me on his way down on Monday night, so I should be able to get that done in time, whew!
After my recent binging episodes, I had gained 7 pounds (some of which I'm sure was from salt and water retention) but got on the scale today and was down 4 so readjusted my ticker up 3 pounds and as I feel the strength building within myself regarding binging, I am confident I will reach my goal soon and return to that healthy weight for myself.
As it is getting warmer here in the mountains I will be hiking more and more and am thrilled with that for that means more photography in my life, as well. Plus, a friend of mine and I are doing the Burpee Challenge which we read about from Dr. Mercola's daily emails...I also found a stomach flattening routine using an exercise ball that I am going to do a couple times a week...and...last night before the show, we were dancing around and I discovered a move that really works the thighs so I think I'll throw on some music daily and do that for a bit...I'm looking forward to firming up!!
I am feeling much stronger within myself and am looking forward to seeing how the future unfolds with each choice I make, moment by moment...
Love to my Spark friends today!!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
I posted yesterday's blog before the end of the day, so things changed up a bit and I didn't quite get to everything on my list...so...today I'm playing catch up. This morning I had to run my car down to Pueblo and pick up the rental car...I sure hope they get everything fixed so I can be done with all this running around.
I have some recall work to be done on the car in the Springs which I will try to get done within the next 3 weeks and hopefully my chiropractor and dentist appointments will be done withing the 6 weeks...then...I plan to only make the trip down the mountain once a month...I think that goal is doable!
Today's food looked like this...
B: Carob Protein Smoothie
L: Tofu 'meatballs', roasted veggies, potato chips, PB & Banana Oatmeal cookie
D: Bean & Rice Burrito, chips, salsa
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