Thursday, August 16, 2012
warning* This post does not flow and contains random thoughts I am having.
Since I changed my diet about a year ago I felt that I was ready to get off of Paxil. I was on Paxil for almost 16 years and began taking it for depression. I stopped taking Paxil April 4th, 2012. I am still going through the withdrawals and worse my anxiety is a huge problem that continues to grow. The way I have been reacting to daily life has not made me proud and I actually have a lot of guilt about it.
When I first stopped the Paxil I was overwhelmed with emotions. Paxil suppressed so many feelings and I was determined to never go back to it. At first I was unhappy with the feelings but recently it has turned to I am unhappy with myself.
I have weighed the pros and cons and have decided that I am going to start on it again. I feel like a failure. I know that I am not but it's a big blow to accept that I need it. I feel that I shouldn't need it, that I should be able to work through the feelings on my own. I get upset with myself about the way I feel.
I live in the best city (for me) in the world, I have a house I never imagined I could have and I have an amazing wife that supports and loves me. I am in good physical health and have a steady job. When I think about all of these positives in my life it upsets me more that I feel the way I do. I shouldn't feel this way. But I do.
I threw away all of my left over pills of Paxil in mid-May. Tonight I sent my doctor an email asking for a prescription for it. I also set up an appointment with a counselor for Monday through my work employee assistance program.
I know my wife believes in me. But she does not tell me. I need to know that someone believes in me. I could use some support.