HIDDENBELLA   16,169
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HIDDENBELLA's Recent Blog Entries

So far so good.

Friday, June 03, 2011

So far so good. I'm not really having that much of a good time tracking. I don't really care for the new tracker on sp. It is more complicated to use and seems to freeze up a fair bit. Oh well, I'll get used to it. Its tough this week too because I've had three lunches out of the office in a row so it makes it much harder to track.

I have such issues with controlling the amount of food that I put on my plate and in my mouth when it is not controlled for me. That is why I like to choose the portion controlled snackers. They are a gift to me who cannot seem to sit down and have 10 chips. If I'm eating chips, I eat them until I feel grossed out.

My life is very different than it was a year ago. I'm settled into my new relationship quite well. My relationship with my x-husband is great. He is in a new relationship himself and is very happy. This makes me happy. He deserves it.
My new guy and I have a ton in common, We work out together often on the weekends. He is always up for it. He says he'd like to work out in the morning with me but somehow never seems to quite manage to get up with me at 5:15 in the morning. I can't say that I blame him. If I could manage to maintain my weight without working out every day I sure would.

I don't think I'd give up working out all together though. I feel so much better about myself when I'm working out. I just sooooo wish the Grouse Grind was going to open soon. I don't know when that will be as it was a very cold, snowy winter and early spring and we've had little to no nice weather all spring. It has been the most miserable and rainy spring in something like 40 years. I won't complain though. We could have the flooding they are having in Winnipeg, or some of the awful earthquakes in other parts of the world.

But.. I'm continuing to work out with the grind in mind. I'm trying to improve my stamina and the strength in my legs to improve my time.

I've made a bet with someone at work that if I can bring my time to under 45 minutes, he'll come back and do the grind with me. Wish me luck!

  
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MERRIKATE 6/3/2011 3:57PM

    Oh boy, do I ever understand this re:adjustment phase, Girl!! you're doing fine and will for sure continue to; i can feel that in your words.

Several times a year when I want to re:establish smarter portions (having drifted a bit), I go through a couple of reminder-steps, first reviewing an online visual that shows me how big a good amount is of each type of food and then actually measuring my meals out for a couple of days -- more days if need be. Then all's well again for honest eye-balling and simple pride in myself, for another few months.

That's victory enough to keep it cookin' along fine for another few months, usually. Getting enough sunshine seems to help curtail 'cheating' on my amounts, too. They are never perfect for long, yet it's easier and easier to re:balance things day by day the longer I'm mindful. And do not ever 'give up' of course!

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HEATHER1969 6/3/2011 1:33AM

    I just want to TRY the grind this year... never mind have a time. LOL

YOU GO ... sounds like life is really going in the right direction for you! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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So far so good.

Friday, June 03, 2011

So far so good. I'm not really having that much of a good time tracking. I don't really care for the new tracker on sp. It is more complicated to use and seems to freeze up a fair bit. Oh well, I'll get used to it. Its tough this week too because I've had three lunches out of the office in a row so it makes it much harder to track.

I have such issues with controlling the amount of food that I put on my plate and in my mouth when it is not controlled for me. That is why I like to choose the portion controlled snackers. They are a gift to me who cannot seem to sit down and have 10 chips. If I'm eating chips, I eat them until I feel grossed out.

My life is very different than it was a year ago. I'm settled into my new relationship quite well. My relationship with my x-husband is great. He is in a new relationship himself and is very happy. This makes me happy. He deserves it.
My new guy and I have a ton in common, We work out together often on the weekends. He is always up for it. He says he'd like to work out in the morning with me but somehow never seems to quite manage to get up with me at 5:15 in the morning. I can't say that I blame him. If I could manage to maintain my weight without working out every day I sure would.

I don't think I'd give up working out all together though. I feel so much better about myself when I'm working out. I just sooooo wish the Grouse Grind was going to open soon. I don't know when that will be as it was a very cold, snowy winter and early spring and we've had little to no nice weather all spring. It has been the most miserable and rainy spring in something like 40 years. I won't complain though. We could have the flooding they are having in Winnipeg, or some of the awful earthquakes in other parts of the world.

But.. I'm continuing to work out with the grind in mind. I'm trying to improve my stamina and the strength in my legs to improve my time.

I've made a bet with someone at work that if I can bring my time to under 45 minutes, he'll come back and do the grind with me. Wish me luck!

  


Back to basics

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I decided this morning that I'm going to begin logging again. This very simple step is what will help me make my goal of being back to my goal weight by the end of the summer. I want to get this determination back and find a way to balance my new life with proper eating habits.

My workouts are mostly back on track - mostly. Last week was tough with only three real solid workouts and one day of a good walk. I know that if I want to lose weight I need to work out five to six days a week. I also know that I have to manage my eating better.

Clearly, I need to track to manage my eating. Trying to make good choices without tracking is not working for me.

I don't fit into some of the clothes I fit into last summer. I refuse to buy bigger clothes again so here I am. Back to spark.. back to tracking.. back to looking for support outside myself.

I watch all those weight loss shows.. there are a gazillion of them on now. Yesterday I saw the extreme makeover.. weight loss edition. geez.. how many are there. but I still say.. the biggest loser is seriously inspiring to me. When I looked at those two sisters bodies.. how healthy they looked... how they didn't look skinny and wrinkly from losing too much too fast.. just healthy and fit and muscular... they inspired me every single time I watched them.

I try to think of them when I'm running and having hip pain due to my stupid IT band issues.. or when I don't want to get up... I think of those women on the biggest loser.. or what Chelsea said in the finale.. the power is within each of us.. I promise you.. it is all in your control. I've said that a million times.. it is absolutely within me to do what I need to do. I've just not been choosing to do it.

Well, I am hopeful that the spark that I had last year has been reignited... Here's to hope and desire and determination. .. Determination to keep tracking.. whether it is great choices and easy to track or more difficult ones... I will track. Watch me go.

  
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MERRIKATE 6/2/2011 5:08PM

    Well-comeback! Welcome back to Spark Summer Camp, HB -- me too. In the doldrums and having been kind of slack for a couple of carb-infested months this dreary, rainy, chilly spring, I'm done with all that.

Still have a non-rigid goal to get into skinnier jeans by the end of July, as I find success comes easier when I am faithfully NOT super-nagging myself. So like the positive power focus you're sharing from the weightloss/fitness shows: need to be my own 'assistant coach', firm and oh-so-supportive.

As my real coach keeps saying, "C'mon, just push for ONE more!" and it almost always works to achieve that -- plus the great feeling of having Done Right for Myself!

So very very glad you're here again too -- you have nooooo idea!!

Giant hugs to you,

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Delusions, denial and desire...

Saturday, March 05, 2011

I was watching the TV show Heavy last night. The woman who was on was fairly young and needed to lose weight if she wanted to have a baby. She was a food addict and was over 300 lbs when she started. She was hiding food in her room at the ranch and it wasn't until almost the end of her time there.. something like a week before the 6 month mark that she finally.. FINALLY admitted that she was a food addict.

It got me to thinking about denial and how easy it is to fool ourselves into believing something.

WHAT IS IT about our minds that play these tricks. Why does it whisper to us that it is ok to take today off from the gym.. we've worked out most days this week... oh heck.. that pasta won't matter.. you're going to work out tonight... WHY is our mind made this way?

How come some people are addicted to food.. why do some people love food more than others..... why do I live to eat rather than eat to live?

I get that I have some issues with food. Certainly, I'm not a food addict, but I have issues, but come on!.... I've overcome so much, why can't I overcome my food issues. Why can't I find a place where food is just a fuel for my body. I would honestly LOVE that.. If food wasn't an issue at all. If I never really cared what I ate and just ate the minimum required to keep me running.

alas.... thats not in the cards for this chick.

I wonder if I could get some help for this? Certainly this is a big aspect of all of these lose weight shows... the psychological aspect of getting that heavy. hummm.. as I write this blog, I am thinking.. do I need to explore this more? Should I seek counselling as a way to put food in its proper place in my life?

You see.. this is why I blog..As I explore thoughts out loud. .. or I guess more accurately, in writing.. I get clarity on things.. or at least get my mind wrapped around a thought thats been bothering me.

Blogging is very cathartic for me. Gosh.. if you've stuck with me through this blog, you are a true friend... horribly boring but helpful to me.

gorgeous beautiful day here. I'm going to go and enjoy the rest of it as I host a birthday party for a 9 year old girl. Should be fun!!

  
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HEALTHYASHLEY 3/7/2011 2:06PM

    The majority of people who overeat have deep emotional issues that are unresolved and it has become a coping mechanism. I watched that episode and as she stood there and completely denied she had problems with food it was sad to watch. I truly believe if I had not addressed my emotional issues I would not be successful in losing the weight I have already lost. It is easy to push issues aside but unless confronted they will resurface. Her case specifically also worried me because she refused to give up anything. She repeatedly stated she was going to continue to eat all the foods she knew had gotten her to be 300 lbs and she was so far in denial she couldn't even see it. The young man on that show was pretty awesome!

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CHRISTINA791 3/7/2011 1:57PM

    It's something that's very interesting to examine, even if you don't have classic food issues. I've never been much of an emotional eater, and because of that I figured I didn't have any distorted food problems. Wrong! They're there, but you have to search for them.

One of the benefits I've found from food tracking and Sparking in general is that I'm really noticing when something feels a bit 'off' in what I'm eating. It's hard to explain, but there's a difference in being fine with allowing myself the odd pasta meal vs. knowing that I'm eating it for the wrong reasons. It might fit within my ranges for the day and it might be the same portion size as what I'd normally have, but if there's a bad reason behind that food choice, it it pings an alarm in my head.

I'm getting better at backing away from the food when I'm eating it for any reason other than fueling my body or because I like the taste, but it's a long process. The food hiding on that 'Heavy' episode stood out to me too, because I've done that type of thing before in the past. At the time it seemed normal, but looking back at it, it's really messed up. Especially with something like peanut butter, which can be quite healthy if you're treating it right.

Plenty to think about.

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HEATHER1969 3/7/2011 12:42AM

    Great Blog... very thought provoking...

I love food... I love to pick it out, to cook it, to eat it... I love to smell the aroma foods bring to life... I love just about everything about it...

I don't know if that makes me a live to eat kind of person but I do know I can deal with it... Balance is the key for me....

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MERRIKATE 3/5/2011 11:48PM

    Again, I find my own thoughts so beautifully said by you, Bella -- what a help that is to me, always. This is just how we are wired, to be over-responsive to the stimuli of food, and there are things we can do to counteract our tendencies, as you and I go on proving. There is no cure for us. There is only daily 'practice' or 'management' or something like that.

I recognize that our puddles of denial are still liable to pop up when we're overtired, overstressed, or sometimes for no discernible reason at all -- solar flares, phases of the moon, who knows!

Thank goodness for the vast array and variety of support systems that we can try out to see what can help us at any given stage of living with the food-cravings. I've learned so much from OA (Overeaters Anonymous) and at least half a dozen other outstanding resources over the years.

Even now, as a changing being, I am still 'winging it', paving my path with whatever will help me to maintain healthy practices and attitudes -- as steadily as possible. That includes quietly getting back on track when I wander off, as that crops up from time to time.

Glad this weekend to be back on my path after a couple of months with only one foot 'on' -- and so glad to be reminded that correcting my trajectory is ALWAYS an option. That knowledge is The BEST, especially when I apply it!

So thanks for your ponderings -- they inspire my own, and provide so much support!

hugs to you, as ever!

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Fear and Ego in Vancouver

Sunday, February 20, 2011

I went skating today for the third time in probably 35 years or so. I grew up in Montreal so you'd think I'd be better than skating, but I don't recall doing it all that much growing up. I'm sure I knew how to skate, but I was never that great that I remember.

So, while we were skating, my bf said to me "aren't you scared"? My reply was "I've done so many scary things in the last few years that this is nothin". Then I pondered that as I glided (with the occasional moments of flailing arms and skates slipping out from under my feet like the coyote running in thin air before realizing that there is no ground anymore)..around the ice rink. Heck ya.. I've done so flipping many things that scared me that this really is nothing. So, maybe I'll fall.. yeah.. it would hurt.. but I can do this.. I can concentrate and work hard and not get cocky.. Yup.. I did it. I got demonstrably better by the end of the hour.

That's what you get when you team determination to do better with confidence and the complete refusal to let fear stop you.

I've decided that as hokey as this sounds, I am actively going to try to be the very best person I can be. When I reflect on my life and I think of the moments that I'm least proud of, they are all related to my ego. I didn't realize that it was my ego that was getting in my way but when I reflect on it, darn right it is.

There is a person at my work who pushes every single one of my buttons. This person is very good at what they do in most ways, but the superior attitude about everything makes me crazy. I couldn't really figure out why I didn't like this person very much (although I appreciated their abilities) and then I hit on it.. The reason this person gets to me is that they tweak my ego. I have insecurities about my lack of formal education. Yeah, I've done well in the last few years, but I do not have a university education and although it hasn't prevented me from reaching higher than I thought I'd reach in my career, it is still something that I'm somewhat .. ashamed isn't really the right word, but it is something I'm not going around bragging about. ANYWAY.. he tweaks my ego.. I'm envious of his academic credentials. Which in turn makes me super sensitive to him which in turn makes me feel less when I'm around him.. which in turn makes me not like him very much as I feel judged by him.

I bet he thinks of me way less often than I think he does (see previous blog), but still, every time I speak to him he kinda gets on my nerves. As I grow in my role and in my own confidence, I find that he bothers me a little less, but he still bugs me.

Once I thought of this, I made a conscious decision to NOT let my ego get in my way. When I find my buttons pushed, I will sit back and invariably, the reason they were pushed is my own issue. They tweaked my ego. I felt judged by them.. and usually, I only feel judged when it is something that I am insecure about.

So, Its all about me. YAY.. If it is all about me, it is all in my control, so I refuse to let myself get in my way. I like it when its all about me!

  
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T42AND24T 2/21/2011 12:45PM

    Parallel events, my dear - took up skating again after about thirty-five years of not! Part of this is the decision to embrace winter here in Ottawa, rather than hiding from it! As a Vancouverite, I was used to picking and choosing my participation in winter, because we usually had to go to the mountain to seek it our, and wield a mean umbrella the rest of the time - lol! Now, in my fifties, there is the Rideau Canal to skate on, and I don't intend to miss out. There are fabulous snowshoeing trails everywhere (even though I just took that up this year too) and I intend to use them. I am actually loving this. And I have fallen numerous times. Expect I will fall lots more, both literally and metaphorically, before my race has run its course!
And, I hear you loud and clear about the University thing. I did not go, in a fit of rebellion, and although I became modestly successful as an entrepreneur, and knew that my brain was a pretty well-honed instrument, it nagged at me. Until my husband, who has doctorates galore from prestigious universities, (and who gave up full tenure at one such place to open a think tank) helped me to get beyond it. I have met more than my fair share of second-rate minds with lots of letters appended to them, and at this point, my primary thought is that I feel alarm for the rising generation who will be taught by such. Not all, of course, but many. So fear not, dear Bella. You are a true champion.

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MERRIKATE 2/20/2011 11:03PM

    YES to every word of this one!

However, I gotta confess, recently I found to my dismay that switching focus from the innocent (or not) 'offender' to my own ragged ego didn't help much. It only re-targeted myself for resentful obsession, as in, "Why the heck can't I just let GO of this rancour now that I know it's my own issue? Why can't I do better with this horrid feeling?" Oh boy, do I ever hate it when realization is not enough to get the deed done re my snotty emotions. Control freak, moi?! Yup, I was stuck for another few months, right up till I used "The Work" exercises by Byron Katie and others to reframe my thinking. Freedom blessed me then and continues, thank goodness. Whew to that.

Nothing hokey about your commitment to 'acting as if' you're fully confident -- seems to be a sensible start to making quiet, natural confidence truly real in tricky situations -- and it's contagious, I betcha!


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