Sunday, February 20, 2011
I went skating today for the third time in probably 35 years or so. I grew up in Montreal so you'd think I'd be better than skating, but I don't recall doing it all that much growing up. I'm sure I knew how to skate, but I was never that great that I remember.
So, while we were skating, my bf said to me "aren't you scared"? My reply was "I've done so many scary things in the last few years that this is nothin". Then I pondered that as I glided (with the occasional moments of flailing arms and skates slipping out from under my feet like the coyote running in thin air before realizing that there is no ground anymore)..around the ice rink. Heck ya.. I've done so flipping many things that scared me that this really is nothing. So, maybe I'll fall.. yeah.. it would hurt.. but I can do this.. I can concentrate and work hard and not get cocky.. Yup.. I did it. I got demonstrably better by the end of the hour.
That's what you get when you team determination to do better with confidence and the complete refusal to let fear stop you.
I've decided that as hokey as this sounds, I am actively going to try to be the very best person I can be. When I reflect on my life and I think of the moments that I'm least proud of, they are all related to my ego. I didn't realize that it was my ego that was getting in my way but when I reflect on it, darn right it is.
There is a person at my work who pushes every single one of my buttons. This person is very good at what they do in most ways, but the superior attitude about everything makes me crazy. I couldn't really figure out why I didn't like this person very much (although I appreciated their abilities) and then I hit on it.. The reason this person gets to me is that they tweak my ego. I have insecurities about my lack of formal education. Yeah, I've done well in the last few years, but I do not have a university education and although it hasn't prevented me from reaching higher than I thought I'd reach in my career, it is still something that I'm somewhat .. ashamed isn't really the right word, but it is something I'm not going around bragging about. ANYWAY.. he tweaks my ego.. I'm envious of his academic credentials. Which in turn makes me super sensitive to him which in turn makes me feel less when I'm around him.. which in turn makes me not like him very much as I feel judged by him.
I bet he thinks of me way less often than I think he does (see previous blog), but still, every time I speak to him he kinda gets on my nerves. As I grow in my role and in my own confidence, I find that he bothers me a little less, but he still bugs me.
Once I thought of this, I made a conscious decision to NOT let my ego get in my way. When I find my buttons pushed, I will sit back and invariably, the reason they were pushed is my own issue. They tweaked my ego. I felt judged by them.. and usually, I only feel judged when it is something that I am insecure about.
So, Its all about me. YAY.. If it is all about me, it is all in my control, so I refuse to let myself get in my way. I like it when its all about me!
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