Sunday, January 06, 2013
The girl I used to be:
Quiet, conforming, pleasing (doormat), broken, worthless, depressed, pessimist, stuck, crazy, overweight.
The Girl I became:
Open, Independent, Healing, Optimist, Moving slowly, Medicated, Obese, Sassy, Motivated, Determined
The girl I am NOW:
Wandering, independent, healing, binger, questioning, quasi-motivated, obese, ashamed, unattractive, lost.
Surprisingly, it was easier to describe myself as "The Girl I Became" than the other two. And notice most of those were positive traits. I find this interesting. I think I liked myself best during those days. I wasn't happy all the time, but I was working on myself, I was exercising, setting and meeting goals. I feel like then I could have been Motivator of the Day and it would of meant something. Receiving it today is an honor, but I somewhat feel like an impostor. Like I don't deserve the honor because I'm no longer motivating.
I do feel like I can no longer be that girl, the "girl I became." Not because I do not possess those qualities or think I can't find them within me again. I am just a different person now. The experiences of my life, especially in the last year, have made me different.
The saying "You can never go home again," is true to some degree. I feel like my "home" was the girl I became. I felt my best when I was her. But I can't go back to being that girl because I've had experiences in my life that she never had. I learned what it was like to be betrayed, to have my heart broken, to be regarded as a complete non-entity. I know what it feels like to have so-called-friends put their jobs before our friendship, to consider my feelings as less important than their place of employment. I know what its like to have a guy tell you his life is better off without you. I've seen the world of addictions, gangs, crimes, violence, mental illness, real hopelessness. I've seen that world, watched people crawl away from it and sometimes get sucked right back in. I've spent time with the homeless, and worried for them because the temps are below freezing and I don't know how to help them. I found my life's purpose only to have someone knock it right out from under me.
All of that, and so much more, has changed me in ways I haven't even begun to look at. I can't go back to being that girl because she no longer exists. She is me now and I am...I don't know. I guess that's what I have to find - Who I am.
I don't even know what that journey looks like; or where it begins.
More soul searching to come......
P.S. I challenge you to think of 10 words to describe yourself:
1.) Before you got to Spark,
2.) After you've been on Spark awhile
3.) you right NOW.
Have you changed? Post it below, I'd love to see!!!
Friday, January 04, 2013
I feel like I dropped off the face of the planet. In all reality, I pretty much have. I have no idea whats going on in my life, the lives of my friends and family, the Sparkian world or the real world. I have been just existing, just getting through it all since Jaunary 2012. That is when I started the final three, grueling months of my Master's Degree. First practicum, then internship. I have learned more negative things about the world than I wanted to. I've been exhausted, slightly abused, fooled, betrayed, broken and so much more. Some days I am wake up surprised I still exist.
The main things:
1.) I met a guy. I fell HARD for him. Said guy broken my heart. Sometimes I think love must be a real special thing to risk a broken heart - the pain is....intense.
2.) I have gained back...oh... I'd say at least 25lbs since the summer. I've fallen back into a binging cycle. I want to kick the cycle, but I know doing it alone is nearly impossible. Hence one of the reasons I am here. It was always easier to manage the BED if I have the support of my sparkians!
3.) I moved out of my house.
4.) I graduated with a Master's degree....well, I quasi-graduated. Its a long, complicated story.
5.) I have lost my way, my self, and my sense of idenity.
The breakup was the beginning of the weight gain. Perhaps one day I'll talk more about this guy. Actually, I think I have in past blogs. Try blogs from July. Anyway, I guess since then I just haven't cared much about anything, including myself. It suprises me. I mean, I know this part of myself well, I spent years being this part of me. I just more vividly remember being strong and happier, and I wish that was where I was at. I guess like everything in life, this is one season and it too shall pass.
You'd think I'd be over the moon excited about moving out of my parents and into my own place (well, 3 roommates). I like it, but I am poor several times over and so life is...hard. Some weeks its a struggle to afford gas...and food.
Adding to my stress is that I have not actually graduated and gotten my diploma due to some drama at my internship... life hasn't been a dream lately.
The truth is, I think I have changed and I am not sure who I am. I am in a period of soul searching. What I do know is that I am not okay binging or gaining weight. Nor am I okay not exersing. Which is why I am back here at Spark, ready to revamp my efforts and get into a groove. Though it will make me more broke, I got a gym membership to 24 hour fitness, which I am pretty stoked about. My eventual goal is running, but I have been out of shape for about a year....so I think I am going to do a lot of walking, elliptical and yoga to get myself into a good place to start running. I dont know how long it will take, life is a marathon, so I am in no rush. I think I am also going to give swimming a go. I dont love swimming, but mostly because I can't swim well. If you drop me in a lake, I'll get to shore, but i will splash like a fool trying to get there. I never swam much as a kid. But I think I want to learn better.
I've also decided to try a new hobby every 3 months. 3 months is an arbatrary number I just came up with, but the point is I want to try new things. What are my interests? Ive been in school so long that I don't know what else I'm good at. Time to learn. Any suggestions???
I have also bought some good food (lots of tuna, its so cheap!) and I plan on eating healthier and just not having junk in the house.
Anyway, i think daily blogging is making a comeback. so, stay tuned....
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
So I am trying to join this national honor society for jesuits.... I have to write an essay, complete the application and then get two letters of recommendation from people who will speak about how much I help people in the community.
And I thought to myself..... do I help people? I answered yes because I donate my time and money to church a lot, but other than that, do I really help my community out. And then it dawned on me that Sparkpeople is its own community. And i think its fair to say I've been a helpful person to some on here. I know not lately, but for two years prior to this hectic internship. Really this is my community far more than my actual community. I mean this is where I really "grew up" in my eating disorder, my journey to better health, and becoming a good role model by practicing what I preach about eating good foods and lots of water. My sparkians have listened when a moment of inspiration hit and consoled me when time were rough. You are my community. So I thought maybe someone here would want to write a letter of recommendation for me? No pressure, its okay if you dont want to; I thought I'd put it out there.
in other news, I have been pretty depressed about breaking up with this guy I was dating. I've been having a lot of thoughts about self-worth and that old creeping thought of "I'm not pretty because I am fat; I am not desirable because I am fat" has popped into my head more than a few times. I do stop that thought when it comes and re-frame my thinking. Being beautiful doesnt always mean on the outside, I have lost a ton of weight and I do look pretty (my figure is starting to appear, yes!) and most of all, the right guy is going to think I am beautiful regardless of my weight.
This breaking up thing as been a journey. I just hope next time its better. Internship is going well. I am super busy, but learning a million lessons about life. I'm over-worked and under-paid, but I think that I am being given the gift of experience. In a few weeks I am volunteering to counsel homeless people for a day. I am sort of excited about it because its a new population for me and as you all probably now, those who are homeless usually have something going on and need to talk to someone. And I get to be that someone!
Anything else? I am thinking of starting C25K again. I'd like to get back into running. I miss working out. And while it is most definitely true that I dont have the time between two jobs (about 60 hours a week), I think that this is important for my self-care. So, we shall see.
I hope everyone is doing well and I miss all of you~
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Hey everyone. Its been months. Life has been hectic. I cant even begin to describe my world right now. I will say that I did meet a guy at work, we dated for about a month before he decided to break things off. I spend half my time thinking it's my loss, but the other half knowing its his.
I have maintained between 255 and 260 all summer. The last few weeks have seen their fair share of chocolate and wallowing though, so I really need to get back to it. I know its hard to loose not only the guy, but the all the hopes and dreams that went along with said guy. And all of you who know me, know how much I wanted someone great to come into my life. And for the record, he was great, and made me feel great; he was just a little young and immature (24) and I think had a few issues of his own to work through.
Anyway, so life in Sarah's world is tumultuous, but at least my weight is being maintained. I hope the next time I get on here I'll be able to report a loss of some kind.
Love you all, miss you all and hope you are all well and Warroring on!!!
Friday, June 15, 2012
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