That "I lost 40 lbs" icon is not a medal of honor

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Around these parts we like to talk about our accomplishments. That means how many pounds we shed through our hard work and dedication and making changes and being super awesome.

It's fun to say, "I've lost 40 pounds!". Even better to boast, "I've lost 75 pounds!". Or to really wow the world by trotting out, "I've lost 100 lbs!" (or more).

Yes, you worked hard and you deserve to get the applause but behind that "I lost 40 lbs" icon on my spark page is this ugly fact.

I had to GAIN that weight before I could lose it. No one was rooting for me as I sat around on my couch making meals out of pints of ice cream and heaping bowls of cocoa puffs cereal. No one was in awe as I ate my way through nearly 4000 calories a day. No one was on the sidelines clapping for me as I huffed and puffed my way up the one flight of stairs to my bedroom. No one told me how "cute" I looked in my size 22 pants and billowy t-shirts. No one complimented me on how my wedding band all but cut off the circulation on my ring finger.

So my "accomplishment" is only possible because at one point I had completely given up on myself. At one point I just didn't care. At one point I thought it was "funny" that I ate junk food for every meal and it was "cool" that I "needed" to drink pop at every meal (I'm not exaggerating there, I had pop at breakfast!). At one point I thought I was proving something to the world, that I could eat whatever I wanted and no one was going to tell me other wise no matter how fat I got. At one point I was stubborn and childish when it came to my diet and exercise and what did it get me? To an all time high of 211 lbs. What kind of "accomplishment" was that? Not one you want to brag about, right?

So while I do enjoy the recognition of the hard work I'm doing (in the form of a clap on the back when I share my weight loss total with someone--something I don't do unless asked point blank what the number is) I'm not PROUD of that loss. I'm not PROUD to admit that I let myself get to the point that I had to lose 40 lbs. That even after losing those 40 lbs I still need to lose 20-30 more.

That "I lost 40 lbs!" icon is not a medal of honor. It's a reminder. A reminder that I alone am responsible for my activities. I already KNOW what laziness, childish behavior, and complacency can get me (60-70 lbs over weight!). And slowly I'm learning what regular physical activity, responsible eating, and diligence can get me.

Here's to never forgetting our "before", so we never go back.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHRINKINGLULU 10/19/2011 1:33PM

So true! But you're still doing Report Inappropriate Comment

CAROLJEAN64 10/19/2011 12:44PM

I have mixed feelings about your blog. Yes, you made the choices that got you to the point where you decided you wanted to be healthy. However, you also have made the choices that allow you to proudly display that badge of 40 lbs. lost. Instead of focusing on the weight, how would you feel if you focused on the life style changes that probably nobody else is noticing.... you know you feel better, you know you make better choices about being active and choosing healthy foods in good quantities, you know you aren't wearing size 22 pants and billowy t's anymore. Your thoughts and attitudes actually change the wiring in your brain. I think the process you are going through is that rewiring and it feels a little out of sync right now.... but you will settle into your healthy life. Report Inappropriate Comment

-POOKIE- 10/19/2011 12:25PM

*nods* I have felt this. Sure I lost more than half my body weight but WOW was I am IDIOT to allow myself to get to that stage to begin with!! I feel a fraud sometimes with people congratulating me for being a success, when in reality it was a big mistake to start with! Report Inappropriate Comment

TATTED4X4 10/19/2011 12:25PM

This blog was very humbling. UR a big motivator. UR right. We couldn't lose this weight without gaining it. Bbut no more. We will lose this forever and live with maintaining. Let's enjoy this ride. Report Inappropriate Comment

YRINA03 10/19/2011 12:22PM

Thank you for being so honest. Even though this is the harsh reality for many people, i am lad that you were able to make it out the other side and be able to proudly shouw off your badge Report Inappropriate Comment

MANDIETERRIER1 10/19/2011 12:21PM

I really loved this blog post. It is so true! Report Inappropriate Comment

CRYSTAL8488 10/19/2011 12:19PM

I really like this blog, it's very true! But at the same time, you acomplished a lot...you changed, you no longer have those bad habits and you actually care about your health. Those are the things to celebrate! Congrats on your success so far, you will reach your goals! Report Inappropriate Comment

"It's not worth it"

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

When I ignore the junky treats folks bring in to the office, I indulge in a moment of superiority as my fellow cubicle rodents scurry over to the junk and start stuffing their cheek pouches. And as they stand in line to get a glob of cream cheese for their giant ass bagel, I sit at my desk and smirk at their dumb comments. My favorites?

"oh, I shouldn't!"
"Ooh, I'll have to make sure I go to the gym tonight."
(random comments about weight and how "bad" the treat is for them)

And if they see me pass by the junk pile (on my way to gather a print out or have a trip to the bathroom) and they comment about how I'm not having any, I refuse to make them feel better about their indulgence by lieing about why I'm not having it. No more will I trot out the standard:

"I'm not hungry"
"I don't want it"

Hell, a lot of the time I DO want it. Why lie? Instead, I give them the truth.

"It's not worth it."

That's really as honest as I can be. It's not worth the expenditure of calories (easy 400 for a bagel with no schmear). And when it comes to those heavy carb/sugary items (I'd reach for a cinnamon and sugar bagel long before I'd "be good" and have some nasty "healthy" choice) it will only make me hungry all day, make me want to have more sugary/junky items. Why would I want to set myself up to have an extra challenging day just to have one stupid sugary bagel?

"It's not worth it" is also the easiest way to end the conversation without making myself look preachy. If there's one thing worse then the Guilty Snackers, it's the Preachy Dieter who mounts themselves on their celery stalk cross and sermonizes to everyone around them about how un-healthy the snackers choices are while boasting about how healthy their habits are in comparision.

"It's not worth it" also reminds me that those junky treats are just that. TREATS. So by skipping over the sugary bagel (for example) I've left myself an opening to have something better that might come along (and at this time of year, there's probably some cookies or candy on the horizon--a far better way to spend and indulgence then some lame sugary bagel).

But don't get me wrong. I meant what I wrote in that opening line. When I ignore the junky treats and even if no one comments on my lack of indulging, I feel superior to the Guilty Snackers. Face it, sometimes my motivations aren't all nice and positive. Sometimes all that motivates me is knowing that by doing what I'm doing (fan fare or no) I'm annoying someone else.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1DORENDA 10/24/2011 12:32PM

I know where you are coming from. Thanks for reminding us all. Report Inappropriate Comment

-POOKIE- 10/19/2011 11:38AM

*nods* My treats have to certainly be worth it! Report Inappropriate Comment

MINDBEND 10/18/2011 3:46PM

I loved your blog. Here is a quote I heard the other day: "You're right. It is easier to eat pizza then to run on the treadmill. It's easier to turn to ice cream rather than people for supporters. It's easier to say 'f*ck it, I give up" then to say F*ck this, I can do it" So you know what? I'm not going to sit here and tell you day after day you can do this. If you don't believe you can, then you can't. That's the honest truth. You need to do this for you. And if you don't want it enough, then you sure as heck won't acheive it. So take the easy way out and remain unhealthy and continue to gain weight because you can't realize you are the only one hurting yourself. I ddn't say it would be easy. I said it would be worth it." So you are definately right saying it's not worth it when passing up sweets and other junk! Keep up the good work! Report Inappropriate Comment

PARASELENIC 10/18/2011 3:37PM

Thank you for this-- I'm totally stealing your line. Report Inappropriate Comment

NOTABOUTHEFACE 10/18/2011 3:31PM

Better on their @sses than yours! ;-) Report Inappropriate Comment

It finally happened. . .

Friday, October 14, 2011

I've semi-dreaded the moment from day one. I joke about it all the time.

Last night, it finally happened.

I farted in yoga class.

And I lived to tell about it.

(and it felt pretty good to let it fly!)

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CYNDERROSE 10/14/2011 2:47PM

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STALEYK 10/14/2011 1:44PM

Ha! Ha! Ha! Sounds like something I would do.,,,and not on purpose! Report Inappropriate Comment

MARYELLEN301 10/14/2011 1:41PM

Too, too funny! Report Inappropriate Comment

JQUIBELL 10/14/2011 1:38PM

LOL!! I love it! Report Inappropriate Comment

Non scale victories!!

Monday, October 10, 2011

The scale is really getting on my last nerve lately. So much so, I even wondered if the scale wasn't malfunctioning or needed a fresh battery (yeah, how's THAT for denial, huh? it's the scale's fault, yeah. . . .right. . .).

So instead of getting all uptight and out of sight over the number on the scale (really, I weighed before a poo and after and the weight didn't change--and it was a normal poo, not some tiny poo--TMI, yes, but how can I weigh the SAME post poo?. . .sorry for the digression) I'm going to focus on some NON SCALE VICTORIES!!

Non-scale victories in the form of NEW CLOTHES.

About a week ago I had a little spending spree and bought (online) a skirt, two shirts, a pair of tights, and a pair of boots. The week's wait for them to arrive was torture. During that time I had convinced myself that not only would every article be ugly/poorly made but NONE of it would fit, not one article. Yeah, I was trying to pad my excitement with some negativity so I wouldn't be upset should the box of goodies prove to be a bust.

I even went so far as to buy myself a pair of fun socks as a kind of consolation prize, that was how convinced I was nothing in the box was going to fit/look good. (side bar: the socks I got are over the knee style ones and I'm loving my new super tall socks and sock garters--yup, I got sock garters and they fit awesome on my THIGHS--I don't even have to extend them all the way to their max size--how's that for a non-scale victory right there).

So I'm still basking in the sock win when the box of new stuff shows up on Saturday. I tear that bad boy open and dive to the bottom for the shoe box. If the boots fit then there's hope for the rest of the stuff. I wasn't worried about them not fitting on my calves (they've never been fat) but I was worried about my toe bump (it's not a real corn or anything like that, just a knobby thing at the base of my baby toe, right along the side of my foot) which can make shoe shopping a chore.

Those boots fit and the toe bump was happy and I was happy and I dove into the rest of the items with a new found excitement.

Skirt next. First I held it up to make sure the length was good (not too short) since I forgot to check the length before I bought it. Awesome length. Then I put it on. It's a size 14 (in something called a "vintage cut"--good lord, I just got used to "skinny" and "boot" cuts now "vintage"? is that some kind of code for "fat butt") which at this point could fit awesome or be uncomfortably tight (and cause major muffin top). It slid right on and was LOOSE. And not just loose in the waist (while snug in the hips). It was loose EVERYWHERE. Loose enough to be comfy but not so loose I needed to return it. SCORE!!

Shirts next. My big worry was they'd both be made with the super thin material every damn shirt seems to be made from these days (hate that!). Shoved a hand into the them and held them to the window. They passed the thickness test. Both were large and BOTH fit. Snug across the chest (woot! boobie shirts!) but still roomy over the belly rolls. And both fit across my giant linebacker style shoulders and hung long enough to reach just below the belt line (so no issues with hiking up when I reach for things).

SUPER SCORE!!!! Every damn thing in the box is a keeper. And I like it all.

Ok, I didn't try on the tights but they should be fine. They are size large so they should be just fine.

So now I have a new skirt, two new shirts (both long sleeve), a pair of boots, a pair of tights, and a pair of tall socks. That amounts to one FULL outfit and enough pieces to make one other skirt based outfit and two pant outfits. I'm now ready for the colder weather.

Take THAT, scale.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THELILEA 10/11/2011 1:21PM

Hehe, LOVE the non-scale victories! They are the best feelings to me personally. Friending you! :D Report Inappropriate Comment

GOOSIEMOON 10/10/2011 9:03AM

Woot! Woot! for you and your non-scale victories! Keep up the good work! Report Inappropriate Comment

If it weren't for slow loss I'd have no loss at all

Thursday, October 06, 2011

Doom, dispair, and agony on me.

(props to anyone who catches the reference)

I'm letting myself get frustrated over my pathetically slow losses. I'm looking over the facts and since January I've only lost 12.4 pounds. Yes, you read that right. 12.4 lbs in NINE months. That's an average of 1.3 lbs per month.

WHAT THE HELL!?

1.3 lbs average loss PER MONTH!! PER!!! MONTH!!!!

STOP RIGHT THERE!

I was going to write all about my calorie ranges and then do the whole "yeah, I'm not perfect but I try real hard and I deserve more success" and all those other whiney things I hear folks say (and get annoyed at) but I'm not. I'm just not.

Bottom line. I'm getting the results I deserve for all the harder I work.

I don't weigh and measure every scrap of food. I just can't muster up that kind of enthusiasm (though I have measured some stuff to learn what it looks like in the dish so I can be more honest with how much I am/not eating). I indulge in really junky crap. I have vacations from tracking and go over my ranges (sometimes quite grandly--though grand blow outs are rare).

I get regular exercise (yes, cardio and strength) but I don't strap on a heart rate monitor and worry over being in the "zone" or any of that. Sometimes I go extra hard and really push. Sometimes I slack a bit and do easier stuff (under the "something is better than nothing" banner). And sometimes I do nothing at all (but that's rare, too).

In terms of grading, I'm doing "B" (sometimes "C") work and getting "B" (ok, more like "B-" at most) results.

Could I weigh and measure every scrap and drive myself nuts worring over macro nutriets and supplements and carb/protein/fiber ratios? Yeah, I "could".

Could I work out 2 hours every day doing killer routines that leave me so drained I can't even get through a shower without falling asleep? Yeah, I "could".

But then where would I be? Yeah, I'd probably be at my goal by now (having shed the mythical 1-2 lbs per week) That is if I didn't give up entirely because it made me so miserable, resenting all the "chores" my weight loss had hoisted onto me.

Yes, I'm only averaging 1.3 lbs lost per month but what else did I notice? Over those 9 months, only two had gains. Yes, in 9 months I've only gained (and had to "re-lose") 1.8 lbs. Yup, 7 months with net losses and only 2 months with net gains. So that tiny 12.4 lb loss has a damn good chance of being gone FOREVER. Especially considering I've changed a lot of bad habits and added a bunch of good ones. Habits I can easily continue for the rest of my life.

Is their room for improvement? Definitely. I have 20-30 lbs left to lose (I don't set a hard and fast "goal weight", I have a range of 140-150 lbs). Yeah, it might take me another TWO YEARS to get to that goal but when I get there I'll be confident it's a place I can stay at forever.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BELSNICKEL 10/6/2011 10:34PM

its not easy to do every thing your suppose to and yet lose very little, After many years of similar results I've made a couple of discoveries that I'm hoping will continue to help me as I try to lose weight. There something causing me to maintain my weight. Because the scale is moving again and I have much better mood and quite a bit better. First I discover I have Low T and Low Vitamin D level. The third thing I found is that I was not eating enough! I take meds and vitamin d for the first two, for the third I simply eat more. Are you troubled by these things? Probably not. But there may be something that prevents you from losing. Don't fear to discuss this with your doctor. Report Inappropriate Comment

RAINSTORM17 10/6/2011 4:29PM

It might be slow, but it's still a loss! Report Inappropriate Comment

PARASELENIC 10/6/2011 4:15PM

slow loss=good lasting loss. Great job on losing consistently, and being healthy about it. You're absolutely right to be proud of your accomplishments, especially as they are natural to your lifestyle-- if you lost 20 lbs tomorrow by meticulously weighing everything, but didn't plan on doing that forever, then you've set yourself up to fail. Great job. Keep it up! Report Inappropriate Comment

MJKIRK 10/6/2011 4:01PM

I love your attitude!! Keep on Keepin on!! Report Inappropriate Comment

MYBULLDOGS 10/6/2011 3:48PM

find foods that work with your chemistry. i created this meal on my own. i can't seem to loose weight if i eat any grain products. so one day i experimented. i make this mixture for breakfast , lunch and dinner. i have lost 32 pounds in 23 weeks. i cook 4 large portabella mushrooms sliced, balsamic vinegar, olive oil, 4 large onions sliced, 2 large green peppers, 3 cans green beans, 1 can rutabaga and 5 sliced chicken sausages. it makes enough for at least 4 days, three meals a day. total cost is 12 dollars. i buy the mushrooms and chicken at sams club. sounds crazy but it taste good and most importantly it's working. i'm not hungry . if i feel the urge to cheat i go get a fork full of my mixture. i chew very slowly as to enjoy my meal. i have added a small banana and grapes for my snacks and to be a fix for my sweet tooth. you can add other foods into your menu. just know what works with your body chemistry. I have gone from 198 to 166 pounds. i can now fit into a size 14 comfortably. i feel so much better. think of carrying a 2 year old around your waist every minute of every day. no i am not done. on the obese chart i have gone from being obese to just plain fat. my goal is to drop another 22 pounds. then i will be happy, healthy and never allow myself to get in this condition again. one might say eating the same food every day would get boring. not true. when you look in the mirror and can see the difference it's totally worth it. once i reach my goal i will change my menu. not until then. portion sizes are critical to your success. exercise has to become a way of life. good luck Report Inappropriate Comment

TBRANTNER3 10/6/2011 3:40PM

well, at least you didn't gain that 12 lbs. Be enthusiastic for your loss, it's better than nothing. And I do know how you feel - my losses are s l o w! Report Inappropriate Comment