Wednesday, July 10, 2013
I truly believe God is working in my life!!
I had that encounter with a Good Samaritan who wanted to give me $200 to take my nursing exam a few weeks ago, and then yesterday I went to the state capital to get my fingerprinting done for my exam...not realizing that I needed an appointment. Guess what?? The person who was scheduled was a no-show...and they were able to fit me in!! Coincidence? I think not!!
Now that I've stopped fighting what I believe are God's plans for me, things have just fallen right in place! I'm one step closer to where I need to be!
Thank you Lord for believing in me when I didn't believe in myself!!
Loving life today!!
Wednesday, July 03, 2013
When I got home from work today, I finally realized that when I'm at work...it's my safe place. But when I'm home...that's when the fear sets in.
I have a lot of anxiety over my unpaid bills, and my inability to pay them at this time.
I have faith that once I get my exam for my LPN done then I will be able to start paying them again.
In the meantime, I'm trying to focus on the faith I have that will get me to where I need to be, and on the many blessings I have right now in my life.
It's a struggle sometimes, but I know that This Too Shall Pass...
Feeling optimistic!! :)
Monday, July 01, 2013
So tonight at work, I had a customer who I was talking to and he said something to me and I replied that I knew what he was talking about, because I had gone to nursing school. He looked me in the eye and said, "What are you doing here then?" (I work at a gas station in NH at the moment, because I haven't been able to find any other job in my city) I told him that I couldn't afford to take the nursing exam, so I was working part time there because it was all I could find. He pulled two hundred dollars out of his wallet and tried to give it to me. I was blown away! I politely refused the money and told him that although I was truly grateful for his generousity, I would work my way to take the exam. He offered me a job (he clears trees in the area). I told him I was afraid of heights. He said I could clear brush for him. I thanked him profusely, but said I would work my way as I was. I told him to put his money away, or I would start to cry. He smiled, and told me that I needed to take the test.
I have been struggling with asking God what he wants me to do with my life. I did very well in nursing school, but had a bad experience as a home health aide after I graduated school, and felt that God must not want me to be in the health field. I struggled from one part time job to another, barely making ends meet (and sometimes not meeting my ends at all).
I feel like this was a sign from God, that although I've had some difficult times, this is indeed what I need to be doing. My fear of failure has monopolized my time and held me back from what I was called to do.
I had my schooling completely paid for. THAT was a sign from God. I got excellent grades and succeeded, even while friends of mine failed. Yet, I let that one bad experience lead me away from what I should have been doing.
I've been struggling, because I've been resisting what I was meant to do in this life. And God has graciously given me a sign that I can't give up! I have never felt so clear headed!
I have always struggled with my self-esteem, and with my fear of failure...and I almost allowed it to rule my life!
But today, I have chosen to trust God...
Today, I will honor the blessings He has given me...
I will fight to save enough money, by my own sweat, blood, and tears...and I WILL sign up for the exam and take it!
Thank you Lord Jesus for carrying me when I was too defeated to walk alone...
Friday, June 28, 2013
So I know I need to get back on the weight-loss wagon. If for no other reason, than because I ran out of my diabetes medicine and know what my blood sugars are surely doing to me.
My depression and anxiety are through the roof, since I ran out of my meds for that too.
I'm feeling so overwhelmed, and so worthless that I pray that the Lord will take me every night.
I can't tell anyone, because they'll think I'm suicidal, and I'm not...I'm just so stressed and feel so useless that I feel like I just can't take what I'm going through. I know God only gives us what we can handle...but I really wish he didn't think I was such a bad ass...
I used to make good money at a pharmaceutical company in Upstate NY until we were bought out by Pfizer and they shut most all of our sites down, including the one I worked at. I wasn't worried, because I was accepted into a nursing program locally and thought it would be a great new start for me. I graduated from a Practical Nursing program and was confident that it would all work out. My fiance was transferred to Boston, Mass for work so we moved to Southern NH so that he could commute and I would be close to my baby sister who lived nearby. It took me forever to find a part-time job at a gas station. I didn't get any other calls for any other job. It was a huge blow to my self-esteem.
Today, I had an appointment to get Medicaid. They said I even qualify for food stamps. I've been crying off and on all day. I have had to humble myself so much to even have the courage to apply. I feel like I've fallen off of a great cliff and I just don't know how I'll ever climb my way back out of it.
I've been told that I should feel grateful. I have a job. I barely bring home $200 a week, compared to over $600 when I worked at Wyeth. I still have those bills that I had from then. I can't make my payments. It's so overwhelming.
I know this is an incredibly depressing blog post, and I know that I am wallowing in self-pity right now. I just feel so terrible that I am where I am today.
I have a fiance who loves me and doesn't know what to do. He works so hard, and brings in the only real money we have to survive. I have two beautiful children. One is going off to college in the fall and is living in NY with my mother and stepfather. I miss her so much. She's healthy and happy. My son is living here with my fiance & me. He's got type I diabetes and is only working part-time himself. No benefits. He'll be running out of his medicine soon. I've been hounding him to get his application into Medicaid too.
I do have many things to be grateful. And I am. I'm just having a hard time focusing on my blessings right now, with so many things in my life falling apart.
My credit is in the toilet. The last time I checked it was in the 400's. I just don't know how to get out of this depression.
I'm praying that I qualify for Medicaid, so I can get back on my antidepressants and antianxiety meds, as well as my diabetes medication. I'm praying that I can somehow find the lesson in what I'm going through right now. I'm praying that I can pull myself out of this and somehow find a way to make ends meet.
I'm sorry for being such a Debbie-downer right now. I just needed to get this off of my chest and stop stuffing it deep inside me. I know that if I keep doing that, it will fester and only get worse.
I'm not suicidal, I'm just terribly depressed and feel very overwhelmed.
Friday, July 13, 2012
I finished nursing school and am now officially a GPN!!! I have to wait for my paperwork from the school to get to Albany and then once Albany processes it, I should get a notice to schedule my state licensing exam so I can become an LPN! :)
So now I'm done with school (for the moment...I plan on going back to get my RN (A.A.S and B.S, and eventually M.S.)...I figure I'll be about 85 by the time I'm all done with school, but it will SOOOO be worth it!
So now that school is done, I've been trying to get back to eating right and exercising. I rode my bicycle to a meeting this afternoon, which was really nice. I ordered the Insanity workout videos and am waiting for them to come in so I can really get down to business! I have Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred that I can do in the meantime, but I haven't done it in a long time.
I'm going to start going for walks around Point Au Roche soon with an old high school friend who lives in the same area as I do, which is cool. I just really want to get my ass in gear and get back on the bandwagon! I started this journey many moons ago, back in 2007 (I believe?) and I went from 178 pounds to 146!!! But it still wasn't enough to stop me from having to go on insulin and oral medications for my diabetes...it was depressing to do all of that work and have it not even make a dent in my health! So now I want to lose about 20-25 pounds more to see if getting to my goal weight will make a difference...and if it doesn't, well...at least I'll have a killer body! ;)
I want to be that hot mama I used to be! She's there...she's just waiting to break out of this unhealthy shell I call my body!
Wish me luck!!! :)
Get An Email Alert Each Time HEIDIODIE123 Posts