Tuesday, January 22, 2013
it's been ages since I put a blog entry up here...
Yesterday was a terrible self-image day for me. I'd had quite enough of seeing images of tiny little hard-bodied women getting loved and recognized for the gorgeousness that everyone seems to see in them. I let myself wallow in it for a while, then realized what I really wanted to do was get some new pictures taken, so that I could see myself in a more positive light, and present myself in that light as well. Hubs had been talking about doing a sexy little private shoot with me for a while now, but we just hadn't been able to make it happen, for one reason or another. So I sent him a text and told him it was time, and we needed to do it. I called his gf, had her come join us for dinner, and help with pics after. Because sometimes you just need a female opinion on matters like this.
I made a point of making something relatively healthy, including a glass of white wine with dinner, and got prettied up. The new pic up here is from the rest of the evening. Some I liked quite a lot, others I had to gloss over because they only would have reinforced that icky self-esteem problem. Funny how it's hit or miss like that...
Besides that, I've been trying to keep up with both the January Jumpstart here, and Yoga Journal's Willpower 28-day Challenge. Together they are a good balance of activity and insight. I'm quite enjoying it. There's still a lack of motivation around cooking and eating healthy, but I've had an interesting and enlightening realization about myself lately...
I am no longer in the dark about my emotional eating tendencies. (typed 'habits' instead, but realized that's no longer a true word.) There's a quiet little voice that I hear when I head into the kitchen in search of food that tells me, 'you're not really hungry you know. You're just bored, or lonely.' Sometimes I turn around and go do something else to address those needs, and sometimes I go ahead and hunt a snack. But I think it's a sign of bigtime improvement that I know what I'm doing and can make choices about it instead of letting it control me. YAY!!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
I've been on top of the world for a long time now, and I knew that kind of high just doesn't last. Dating happily, family relationships harmonious, great weather, career progress, spiritually connected even.
But now today I'm feeling low energy, easily frustrated, really tired, and lonely. I haven't been getting enough sleep lately, for various reasons, and I've been busy with inside activities mostly. For at least a week, I didn't cook anything from scratch, which I usually love to do. I only walked the dog far enough and fast enough for him to do what he needed to do and nothing more.
I'm torn between hitting the fitness room for a good workout, which I'm sure would shift my mood, and taking a nap, which I'm also sure would shift my mood. I know the usual advice is to go exercise when the nap urge hits, and I agree usually. But at what point in the cycle of not getting enough sleep is it really more reasonable to just crawl in bed with a blankie and sleep for a couple hours instead of sublimating that urge into exercise? Both are health-promoting, after all.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
I have always thought of myself as a shy person, but I keep having people tell me they can't believe it. This is an example of why I say that about myself...
I sing in a wonderful, friendly, inclusive, LGBTS chorale group. I love it, and I've had lots of friendly interactions with my fellow singers during rehearsals. Today was the final concert of our Spring season, with a "cast" party afterwards. It was set up at a cute, fun 50's style diner that serves typical diner food...greasy burgers, awesome milkshakes, cheese fries, that sort of thing. I'd decided before the concert that I'd order a diet coke with a shot of vanilla syrup in it. Yum! and not a terribly unhealthy choice. I was feeling proud of myself for that decision, and happy about a couple of really good concerts with the group.
After the show, as things are being torn down and cleaned up, people are milling around talking and laughing and introducing friends and family to people. I'm wandering around by myself, not talking to anyone, no friends or family there for this one personally. And I start thinking about the after party...Should I go? What if I go and am the first one there and no one sits with me? What if I go and lots of people are already there? Where do I sit? What do I talk about? All of a sudden I'm feeling about 13 again, shy and awkward and unliked, my company not sought out by anyone, everyone else seems comfortable and happy and socializing quite easily.
I get in the car, sit there a while thinking about it, check my phone about 10 times to see if I have any texts, and decide that I'll drive past the party and see if anyone is there. Maybe I'll sit in the parking lot and see who shows up. As it turns out, I drive right on past it, choosing to go for the safety of home and the family that waits for me there tonight. But on the way home, I keep having thoughts of food. (I truly am hungry. It's rare that I eat well on a concert day.) Maybe I'll hit a drive through and get a cheeseburger combo. Maybe I'll stop at the grocery store and pick up a box of cookies. There's a great ice cream shop. Maybe I'll pull in and pick something up to take home with me. Maybe it's a good night to order pizza. On and on it goes.
The thing is, underneath it all, I feel tears welling up. More than once I thought about turning around and going back to the party that I really do wish I could go to and have fun at. That vanilla diet coke sounds really good. But no. Home I go, trying not to cry, because that really Would make me feel 13, and pitiful. But what I really want is to be welcome among a group of likeminded friends, who would smile and invite me to join them for fun conversation. But of course that isn't going to happen. Because it never Has happened, so they don't know me well enough to do that. So I'm trapped, and I'm hungry. For a lot more than food.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
It's been a while since I wrote anything about this book. A few chapters have gone by with more of the same theme of recognizing the true emotion behind the drive to eat. So I didn't want to focus on redundancy. This one branches into something a little new, but a little known. Finding balance in relationship.
"Many women who struggle with disordered eating find themselves surrounded by others who do not share equally in the responsibility for nurturing a relationship. These women frequently find themselves feeding and supporting others who do not feed and support them in return." This just serves as a good reminder that I need to speak up when I find myself feeling resentful that it seems I carry the weight of keeping the family going. It's a strange balance to find between caring for others in a healthy way, and going past the point of health into dysfunction. My therapist tells me that it becomes codependency when you serve others from a place of obligation, or your serving of others drains your own reserves. I like that. It makes sense. And I work in a field that has much to do with serving and helping others. While I love my work, there are times when it does indeed feel like a drain or an obligation. We call it "compassion fatigue" then.
I've been dealing with that lately. I'm less engaged with clients, less enthusiastic about going in to work, very tired and grumpy by the end of the week. At the same time, I've been in a decidedly "no care attitude" about my eating habits and water consumption. I've been mindlessly eating what appeals to me at first glance, not tracking anything, and drinking more coffee and pop than anything else. There's an underlying sense of "why bother?" and "why not? no one else is thinking about what I want or what would make me happy, so I might as well take care of myself." But the thing is, I realize that I'm not truly taking care of myself by doing that. There have been days where I skipped dinner because I didn't think about packing anything, and days when all I did was snack/graze through the day.
So yet again, I'm jumping back on the track, reminding myself that I matter, that my health matters, and my desires matter. For me, if any of those factors get dropped by the side, it isn't good. So, here we go....refilling the water glass, logging my food, throwing some healthy snacks into my work stuff.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
I had a thought today...It's a sound psych principle that when you're trying to learn new behavior, or overcome a mental health obstacle or challenge, it can be really helpful to "act as if". In the case of someone depressed, it can mean thinking about how a non-depressed person would act, move through their day, etc, and act like that yourself.
In the case of eating habits, what would it be like to think about eating like the fit and healthy and magnificent person inside you would eat? The "me" that I am keeping in mind during the process of shifting my lifestyle and behavior around food and activity would likely make very different choices than I currently do. I wonder if it would be a fun thought experiment to try to see things through "her" eyes?
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