Monday, August 02, 2010
I was really happy this weekend because my fiancé took a Saturday night off for the first time in a very long time. We went to the mall to look for a few shirts for him for our vacation next week. Woohoo! I was already in a good mood because my clothes are literally huge on me and a pair of sandals I had that were too tight before fit me perfectly now and I was feeling really cute. Just for fun I decided to go try on some clothes. It feels weird to say shopping for fun because as you all know, shopping when obese is NEVER a fun experience. It is usually a combination of sweating profusely in a tight dressing room, tears over nothing looking good, and purchasing items I don't even like that much because I can't leave my house naked. I knew I was smaller but I really had no idea what size I would be. Now a secret of mine is I am really a fashionista in my heart. I am an artist and I find everything about clothes, shoes, bags and accessories fun and a great form of self expression. Unfortunately as I gained weight I was pretty resigned to the fact that even though more than half the US population is over a size 14 clothing stores refuse to make anything remotely fashionable for us. Frankly it is discrimination but don't even get me started.
Onto the good parts . I have ALWAYS wanted a pair of 7 jeans (the brand, not the size lol) and they do make them in plus size but only in the smaller sizes, so again, I was excluded. I took a deep breath and marched over to the rack and grabbed a pair. Literally I was on the verge of a panic attack I was so nervous but I am determined to do things that scare me as much as possible. I was SO afraid they wouldn't fit and it would send me in a huge slump but how would I know if I didn't try? I also grabbed a cute skirt I had seen in the catalogue. Into the dressing room I went sweating profusely, why is so damn hot in dressing rooms??? I stuck one leg into the jeans and I expected that familiar snugness that was the jeans way of mocking me. Like, nononono fatty you can't wear me, but they slid right on. I pulled them up expecting them to not fit over my hips, but they did! I buttoned them a bit snuggly around my waist but not so much I felt they were too tight and I almost danced out of the dressing room. I wanted to run back and forth across the store screaming THEY FIT, but I thought I would probably get arrested for disturbing the peace and that would not be a good thing. As soon as my fiancé saw me his eyes lit up and he said OMG you look amazing. You are buying those jeans. I felt like a million dollars. The skirt fit amazing as well and I got a pretty sparkly top because I had a coupon for a big discount. Is it ridiculous to pay a large amount of money for jeans I will only wear 2 months? Probably but money can not buy how good I felt at that moment. I have dropped 3 sizes now! I feel attractive for the first time in more than 10 years and when the sales lady saw me she said. "Well you don't have a big stomach pooch so those jeans are perfect for you" . I don't have a big stomach pooch? My first unwitting compliment from a stranger. That little bag of clothes felt like the best trophy in the world.
We never did end up finding anything for my fiancé that night but he was so happy to see me glowing like that he didn't even care. We went out for Jamaican food after and had a glass of wine. One of the best date nights we have had in recent memory and it is all because I am finally making myself a priority! It blows my mind how much easier everything is in my life when I am making my life better. The happiness I felt spilled over into Sunday and I spent the whole afternoon cleaning my house and I decided it was finally time to tackle my closet.
I never realized cleaning my closet would be such an emotionally difficult process for me. With the weight coming off so easily I decided to get rid of all winter clothing, all my jeans except 3 pairs that still fit, my winter coat, anything that was damaged and any shoes that were too loose or damaged. I also decided to try everything on and be honest with myself about how it looked. I never realized how I had held onto items I never even liked for so long. Shopping was so painful for me and I never was able to purchase items I liked or wanted. I just got whatever didn't make me look absolutely horrendous and it would take 3 or 4 shopping trips to get even 1 or 2 items. So many things had holes or stains and I kept them because I felt like I would never find anything else. Even my gray puffy winter coat, that I had refused to buy anything else because I hated how all coats made me feel fatter, looked so sad to me. I kissed it and stuffed in the donation bag. It was hard to let it go. The process of cleaning out my closet was so freeing. Everything I tried on was too big, some huge. Items I had purchased for work just in May are way too big which makes me mad because they were expensive and I have only worn them once or twice but I will take the loss if it means feeling this much better. In the end I ended up with 4 donation bags and 1 bag of trash.
I feel like a new woman. For the first time I am purchasing clothes because I like them. I am not even close to the biggest size in the store and I have options. I went to Target later in the day and grabbed a beach cover up off the rack. I didn't even try it on and their sizes I find run very small, but I was feeling bold. When I got home and tried it on it looked really cute. Sometimes I can't believe the person looking back at me is me. I know I have a long way to go but this weekend was amazing affirmation of how far I have come.