Monday, August 02, 2010
I was really happy this weekend because my fiancé took a Saturday night off for the first time in a very long time. We went to the mall to look for a few shirts for him for our vacation next week. Woohoo! I was already in a good mood because my clothes are literally huge on me and a pair of sandals I had that were too tight before fit me perfectly now and I was feeling really cute. Just for fun I decided to go try on some clothes. It feels weird to say shopping for fun because as you all know, shopping when obese is NEVER a fun experience. It is usually a combination of sweating profusely in a tight dressing room, tears over nothing looking good, and purchasing items I don't even like that much because I can't leave my house naked. I knew I was smaller but I really had no idea what size I would be. Now a secret of mine is I am really a fashionista in my heart. I am an artist and I find everything about clothes, shoes, bags and accessories fun and a great form of self expression. Unfortunately as I gained weight I was pretty resigned to the fact that even though more than half the US population is over a size 14 clothing stores refuse to make anything remotely fashionable for us. Frankly it is discrimination but don't even get me started.
Onto the good parts . I have ALWAYS wanted a pair of 7 jeans (the brand, not the size lol) and they do make them in plus size but only in the smaller sizes, so again, I was excluded. I took a deep breath and marched over to the rack and grabbed a pair. Literally I was on the verge of a panic attack I was so nervous but I am determined to do things that scare me as much as possible. I was SO afraid they wouldn't fit and it would send me in a huge slump but how would I know if I didn't try? I also grabbed a cute skirt I had seen in the catalogue. Into the dressing room I went sweating profusely, why is so damn hot in dressing rooms??? I stuck one leg into the jeans and I expected that familiar snugness that was the jeans way of mocking me. Like, nononono fatty you can't wear me, but they slid right on. I pulled them up expecting them to not fit over my hips, but they did! I buttoned them a bit snuggly around my waist but not so much I felt they were too tight and I almost danced out of the dressing room. I wanted to run back and forth across the store screaming THEY FIT, but I thought I would probably get arrested for disturbing the peace and that would not be a good thing. As soon as my fiancé saw me his eyes lit up and he said OMG you look amazing. You are buying those jeans. I felt like a million dollars. The skirt fit amazing as well and I got a pretty sparkly top because I had a coupon for a big discount. Is it ridiculous to pay a large amount of money for jeans I will only wear 2 months? Probably but money can not buy how good I felt at that moment. I have dropped 3 sizes now! I feel attractive for the first time in more than 10 years and when the sales lady saw me she said. "Well you don't have a big stomach pooch so those jeans are perfect for you" . I don't have a big stomach pooch? My first unwitting compliment from a stranger. That little bag of clothes felt like the best trophy in the world.
We never did end up finding anything for my fiancé that night but he was so happy to see me glowing like that he didn't even care. We went out for Jamaican food after and had a glass of wine. One of the best date nights we have had in recent memory and it is all because I am finally making myself a priority! It blows my mind how much easier everything is in my life when I am making my life better. The happiness I felt spilled over into Sunday and I spent the whole afternoon cleaning my house and I decided it was finally time to tackle my closet.
I never realized cleaning my closet would be such an emotionally difficult process for me. With the weight coming off so easily I decided to get rid of all winter clothing, all my jeans except 3 pairs that still fit, my winter coat, anything that was damaged and any shoes that were too loose or damaged. I also decided to try everything on and be honest with myself about how it looked. I never realized how I had held onto items I never even liked for so long. Shopping was so painful for me and I never was able to purchase items I liked or wanted. I just got whatever didn't make me look absolutely horrendous and it would take 3 or 4 shopping trips to get even 1 or 2 items. So many things had holes or stains and I kept them because I felt like I would never find anything else. Even my gray puffy winter coat, that I had refused to buy anything else because I hated how all coats made me feel fatter, looked so sad to me. I kissed it and stuffed in the donation bag. It was hard to let it go. The process of cleaning out my closet was so freeing. Everything I tried on was too big, some huge. Items I had purchased for work just in May are way too big which makes me mad because they were expensive and I have only worn them once or twice but I will take the loss if it means feeling this much better. In the end I ended up with 4 donation bags and 1 bag of trash.
I feel like a new woman. For the first time I am purchasing clothes because I like them. I am not even close to the biggest size in the store and I have options. I went to Target later in the day and grabbed a beach cover up off the rack. I didn't even try it on and their sizes I find run very small, but I was feeling bold. When I got home and tried it on it looked really cute. Sometimes I can't believe the person looking back at me is me. I know I have a long way to go but this weekend was amazing affirmation of how far I have come.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Fat is the last acceptable prejudice. In our completely PC world people are quick to condemn the use of a racial slur, save the whales, greenify the planet (even when most people have no clue what that even means). So why is it that some of these same people are quick to attack a person for being overweight and see nothing wrong with it? You all know what I am talking about. Who hasn’t had some kind of conflict with a stranger and the first thing they say to you is an attack on your weight. I had a guy cut me of in traffic not long ago and he took the time to call me a fat b—ch out his window while narrowly avoiding my car.
In the grand scheme of life being fat is not the worst thing a human being could be. The sad fact is people can hide other flaws pretty easily. We don’t know the families across the street are victims of domestic violence or that your friend is an alcoholic. Fat is worn like a scarlet letter. The irony is many of use fat to hide, to make us invisible to the world. Many comment on SP that people don’t look them in the eye. I’m sorry to say that fat does not hide us but in fact makes us stand out like a sore thumb. Maybe they don’t look me in the eye but many of them will crack a joke when I walk away. I can’t even tell you how many times someone has looked at me and made some kind of fat joke about someone else and then froze. Like, uh oh, wait she is fat. Shoot now they are on to us.
What do I think it all boils down too? Fear, plain and simple. In their eyes fat makes us different, makes us stand out as flawed for the entire world to see. We can’t brush our teeth and hide the smell or wear a long shirt to cover the bruises. Spanx has become one the best selling products of all time and why is that? It hides fat. My fat does not define me. It is a part of me but it is NOT who I am. For so long I kept my fat like a protective blanket that it is almost scary to let it go. Who will I be now?
I will be more athletic, more able to engage the world around me.
I will no longer be on the sidelines but right in the middle ready to experience everything.
I will be free to travel as much as I want without fear of being hauled off a plane the object of public humiliation.
I will be able to salsa dance all night and not be a big sweaty mess.
I will be able to be a better friend and wife because I am no longer preoccupied with hiding my binges.
I will be able to hike Mt Washington again with my fiancé and some day our children.
I will be able to go white water rafting and kayaking without fear I am too big for the boat.
I could go on and on but tell me. Who will you be?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Last night I posted a very emo blog, yup I used a word I am way to old to use, and I was pretty down in the dumps. I am still shocked by the support I got on here. There were the usual suspects who support me on a daily basis and whom I couldn't do this without. You know who you are and I love you. What surprised me more was the love I received from people I had only spoken to 1 or 2 times. It meant a lot to have people share their stories and their pain so openly with me. It meant me more than any of you probably realize and I will be there for you when you need support as well. I never thought I would care about people I hardly know so much! I wish I could make friendships this open and honest in person. Why is we can all be so awesome to each other on here but have a hard time finding girlfriends who support us all the time in the real world?
Ladies, you are all rockstars and if you need me. I am just an email away to return the favor.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Have you ever felt so utterly alone that the world could open and swallow you whole and you don't think anybody would even notice?
The depth and breadth of my pain in my soul is just sometimes too much to overcome. For anyone, even the wonderwoman that I am pretending to be. On the inside I am insecure, lonely and in so much pain. Today is a day all I want to do is drown myself in a cake or anything I can shove in my face. I feel so desperate and pathetic. Nobody understands this. When I am broken inside and all I want to do is numb the pain. I am so tired of the tears, of the struggle, of pushing people in my life away so they don't see how bad I really am. Of being jealous of any woman who is remotely attractive because I hate myself so much. At work I never feel people respect me, in my relationship I am never secure in his love for me even though he is 100% dedicated to me. I feel like I have to hide my feelings so people won't judge me. Honestly, if I had anything in this house that was junk food I don't know what would stop me from eating it all. I know this won't solve anything but the desire is still there. The burning hunger to numb myself is still there. I ache to be normal, to feel normal. The hatred towards my family is still there. For all the years of mental torture. How could you look at me and tear me down over and over. This poor little girl who just wanted you to love me, accept me. Why was I never good enough? Why is what I look like so important? When I find love how can you judge him for being foreign?? It isn't even about him it is about an inability to let me happy.
When will I be able to trust anyone again?
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I hopped on my scale this morning after going out for Shabu Shabu last night with my best friend and I didn't like what senor scale had to say back to me today. So you know what? I called him a liar and I vowed to flush all the sodium out of my system today with a little extra water. Take that senor scale! You will not mock me tomorrow.
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