HEALTHYASHLEY   20,870
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Hating myself

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Have you ever felt so utterly alone that the world could open and swallow you whole and you don't think anybody would even notice?
The depth and breadth of my pain in my soul is just sometimes too much to overcome. For anyone, even the wonderwoman that I am pretending to be. On the inside I am insecure, lonely and in so much pain. Today is a day all I want to do is drown myself in a cake or anything I can shove in my face. I feel so desperate and pathetic. Nobody understands this. When I am broken inside and all I want to do is numb the pain. I am so tired of the tears, of the struggle, of pushing people in my life away so they don't see how bad I really am. Of being jealous of any woman who is remotely attractive because I hate myself so much. At work I never feel people respect me, in my relationship I am never secure in his love for me even though he is 100% dedicated to me. I feel like I have to hide my feelings so people won't judge me. Honestly, if I had anything in this house that was junk food I don't know what would stop me from eating it all. I know this won't solve anything but the desire is still there. The burning hunger to numb myself is still there. I ache to be normal, to feel normal. The hatred towards my family is still there. For all the years of mental torture. How could you look at me and tear me down over and over. This poor little girl who just wanted you to love me, accept me. Why was I never good enough? Why is what I look like so important? When I find love how can you judge him for being foreign?? It isn't even about him it is about an inability to let me happy.
When will I be able to trust anyone again?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMACUBA 8/5/2010 8:28PM

  It's weird how gettinig healthy and losing weight seem to sluff off other things too. There are a lot of blogs on here about suddenly having a mini-breakdown, even if it's never happened to them before. If you think about it, we also have "mini break-ups", where we have such an unbelievably positive spin on life we just can't believe ourselves. Of course I'm not saying that what you went through when you wrote this blog wasn't depression-related, but I thought I'd put it "out there" that it might also be part of the process. It's not comfortable, it's not fun, but it's honest and true.

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NEENSTER1 8/4/2010 4:58PM

    emoticon emoticon Everyone has a unique role to fill in the world and is important in some repsect. Everyone including and perhaps especially you, is indispensable. I just ran across you blogs and I like you already. You are special. Be Encouraged. I understand exactly where you are coming from. emoticon

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OHBEJOYOUS 8/4/2010 1:33PM

    Thanks for saying how you feel!
You are here for a reason, and we, your readers, can be here for you too!
Wanting nasty food isn't going to make you feel better for long...
Keep reaching out and calling out, and don't forget to notice what you are
getting and who is listening... Glad you're here for us Spark newbies!
I've had a mother like the one you described, and I am a mother who wants
to learn to be a better one!
You are not alone!
OHBEJOYOUS

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SUSH_ASH 8/3/2010 6:19AM

    HEy Ash, ( hope i can call you that way) man you write so well, god every word seemed to be my word, i have been thru this and have questioned myself.. you are beautiful lady,all the best for your journey!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 7/30/2010 8:21PM

    I don't know how I missed this. I feel like I could have written it. So many people identify with your words, and your words will save you... keep in touch with yourself and your feelings. Reach out to those who care for your on Spark when your friends and family can't be there to support you in the capacity you need.

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LAURALITE 7/30/2010 5:47PM

    Ashley, reading your blog broke my heart. I'd looped back and read this blog after reading the fabulous blog you wrote today about fat prejudice. When I was reading and replying to your prejudice blog I was thinking of my mom, whose ignorant prejudice and inadvertent emotional abuse about my weight has caused me much pain over the years, so I can identify with what you expressed here. And I'm struck, in reading your two posts back to back, by the notion that your feelings of self doubt because of your weight are actually an expression of fat prejudice that you yourself hold. You've (we've!) bought into society's b.s. that we're "less than" because of our weight, and that we'll be somehow better, or more worthy people if/when we lose weight. Poppycock! You're not only "normal" now, you ROCK, NOW!
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MISHKALA 7/30/2010 1:41PM

    Hey Ashley, you're not alone. I'm sorry you felt this way, but we have to know food isn't the cure. It'll just make us feel more guilty and then we'll hate ourselves even more. If you ever need an outlet, call on us - we're here to pull each other through the good days and the dark days. Hang in there, and concentrate on how far you've come, not how far we have to go. One day at a time, and each mouthful is our decision. Drop me a line if you need to talk. Mish emoticon

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JENPOSS 7/29/2010 3:25PM

    You are beautiful and you are kind! You are worth this journey. The only person that can make you feel worth anything is yourself. I had to learn the hard way that I am not going to find happiness by searching for it in the approval of others. The only person I can change is myself. If in that process I lose some people along the way that only brought me down.. then that's something I have to deal with. You can't change what people in your life did to you.. but you can learn from it. You know that you are stronger than their words. You work hard and you care about other people. You are BETTER than them.



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RIGBY31 7/29/2010 12:01PM

    Your blogs are so inspiring... the good/bad/everyday stuff that comes up so randomly for all of us.. you are able to put into words beautifully. One good thing about life is that it is very fluid. Feelings and situations keep moving along to the next feeling and situation. When things are at a low point for me I always think "this too shall pass". You are terrific!

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BEARDMUSIC 7/29/2010 9:38AM

    The insecurities that we create from being over-weight create are awful. It is such a hard thing to overcome esp. since we've medicated ourselves with sugar. i have days when I am feeling very insecure too. You are beautiful, you have come so far and you are worth seeing this journey through until the end. I know you can do it!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 7/29/2010 9:24AM

    Ashley, I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. There scared and lonely feelings in all of us. We all are trying to hide and forget the hurt, which is why most of us are on SP to change those things by changing our outsides as well as what's in us. You know burying those feelings under a cake isn't going to help, it's just going to make it that much worse because you've worked so hard to stop those things from happening. You are a very strong and motivated woman, you can get past this, I have faith in you. I'm here, we're all here when you need us.
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KATHLOW 7/29/2010 6:04AM

    so sorry you feel this way. Those dark lonely days are the worst. I know i'm late in posting, so i secretly hope you feel a little better already...you are doing amazing and you have a man who loves you, no matter what anyone says!

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SYZYGY922 7/29/2010 1:34AM

    *hugs* Sorry you're having a rough day. I have severe self-esteem issues myself, for many of the same reasons. I grew up in a horrible family. You've made some great steps in overcoming the hurt you've felt in your past (even though that hurt may linger). You haven't given up and you haven't let them beat you. Congrats on losing 50 lbs. That's a huge accomplishment.

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MADEMCHE 7/28/2010 11:00PM

    Oh Ash...I am so sorry...I know those dark, black days well and I know that nothing I say right now is going to help. But I am going to say it anyhow. You are a beautiful fantastic woman and I am so very proud of you for sharing this. The dark days are ones that we all struggle with, but you are doing it out in public. That is amazing! Thank you. If you need help we are all here for you. Message me, heck I will send my phone number if you want. We can talk all night. You can do this, get through this. Tomorrow will be a better day babe, I promise. Love you, hope you feel like your awesome self again soon!

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NOT_BIG_BONED 7/28/2010 11:00PM

    Everyone here all just gave you such good advise that I 100% agree with. I constantly struggle too with wanting to mindlessly stuff my face, but I know I'll feel worse about myself afterwards. I'm not always strong, but as long as we try to face those emotions instead of trying to eat them away we will get closer and closer to our goals. We are doing amazing. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

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MOMTO3BOYZ2000 7/28/2010 10:12PM

    Ashley, your post made me cry. I can hear the pain in your words. I have been there...a dark place where the only thing I wanted to do was disappear. At one point I thought that everybody would just be better off if I wasn't around. I felt that anything that happened was my fault. Life was so overwhelming. My husband told me everyday how much he loved me and how beautiful I was, but because of things that had happened in my previous marriage, I was always worried that one day my husband would just up and leave. I hated feeling that way. And I hated me more for not being able to stop those feelings. It was a vicious cycle.

But I overcame it and so can you! Food does NOT offer you a solution. You could say it has the same affect has taking a drug. Sure, it might make you feel better for just a bit...but that is just an illusion. You will crash...and you will crash hard. Then you will feel terrible, guilty, and will hate yourself even more.

I agree with the other posters...find an outlet for your emotions like exercising. A good workout will change your attitude, make you feel empowered and in control.

You are not alone and you WILL make it through! emoticon

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TEACHERANG 7/28/2010 9:56PM

    I'm so sorry you're having one of these days. I think, unfortunately, they come around far too often. I agree very much with what Rachel said though -- I think dealing with the inside is what helps the eating. I often want to fix the symptom (binging) and not the problem (the deeper rooted problem). It sounds like you have a good handle on what some of the things that get you down are. Have you ever read any of Geneen Roth's books? I have her workbook, "Why Weight?" and I find it's really been helpful in those moments when I feel exactly like this.

Know that you're not alone. We're here, and we support you.

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PELESJEWEL 7/28/2010 9:41PM

    emoticon

So many wonderful qualities have surfaced through your blogs. Case in point, look at your 7/26 blog, such a high note for you! And then boom! You have a suck-tastic day. Hate those!! You're fighting with your scale & flushing out sodium. Hate that!! Your competitor bit your style. HATE that!! You've had a series of WTH's so quickly after you achieved several major milestones, crossing the 50lb mark in your journey and crossing into 200's-ville, that it just doesn't seem right.

I'm discovering that a large part of mastering this WL journey is "mental". I think you understand because you're a different woman now, stronger, happier, SKINIER, use that resolve, that energy, to face your emotional demons head on without once turning to food. It's not about that for you anymore Ash!

Time to change the flow. Re-read your blog of 7/26 & get SPARK-TIFIED. You really ARE changing your life.

Comment edited on: 7/28/2010 9:44:20 PM

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MONKEYGETSFIT 7/28/2010 9:38PM

    I stumbled across your blog from another Sparker's post. I am in awe of you, your complete honesty, your strength (because only someone that strong could post these feelings for the world to see), and your insight into yourself.

As much as it feels like you are alone, you aren't. I have felt everything you are feeling, but I don't think I was anywhere as close to being able to put words to them at the time I felt them. It was only in the safety and comfort of growing beyond them that I was able to vocalize them.

I reached my goal... I'm comfortable in my own skin for the first time ever (and this isn't about weight loss... it's about the emotional journey I went on to get here). Yet, I still fall into negative emotional ruts from time to time. I don't keep junk in the house for those reasons. Yet, I still bought a whole box of yogurt covered pretzels yesterday knowing I would go home and eat them ALL. I got 1/3 of the way through the box and felt so sick that I stopped eating... amazed that in the past I could get through the whole thing in one sitting. Low and behold, hours later, I went through the rest. I had even pulled out of the emotional rut I was in for a few weeks BEFORE I caved. Why did I do that to myself and to my body? I have no clue, I'm still searching for that answer. It is a constant struggle... even after you become more successful at it. But, you will continue to succeed just as you are now.

Keep fighting. Each time you resist the urge to give into temptation, it does get easier the next time.. and your pride and confidence grows. Then, when you do fall off from time to time (like I did yesterday), pick yourself up and move on.

You aren't just pretending to be a wonderwoman, you are. I can see that from this blog alone.

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MNGIRLIE 7/28/2010 9:31PM

    It's difficult to hear about you having such a tough day. I'm sure all of us wish we could reach out and give you a big hug.

Hang in there and keep your chin up. You're doing wonderful things for yourself right now. You're working to make your life easier. Comparing yourself to others and worrying about the things we do is so tiresome. Look forward to the day when you won't have to deal with this. Be strong. Also, look on the bright side... you don't have any junk food in the house so you'll be fine! You'll bust through these bad feelings and come out stronger for it.

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4EVERADONEGIRL 7/28/2010 9:03PM

    This is probably the most honest writing I have EVER seen! I can't say that I know how you feel...only someone that feels it really KNOWS what it is like. But I can say that I UNDERSTAND how you feel! My husband deals with a lot of depression and family issues and I swear he could have written this blog. So I understand the depths of pain.

Just know that all the lies your mind tells you - that you're not good enough or don't deserve to be happy. They are just that...total lies! The truth is that you DO deserve anything your heart desires - peace, love, joy, sense of pride. All of it...and not down the road when you lose some weight. You deserve it RIGHT NOW!!!!

Just know that we are here for you and if there's anything I can do to help, don't hesitate to ask. Even if you need to talk to someone in real life. I'm happy to give you my phone number!!!

Hang in there!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RACHEL_MAC 7/28/2010 8:59PM

    So sorry you're having a rough day :( :( Tara is right, though, a workout will clear your head and help "reset" you. I'm not sure that this helps, but these feelings aren't about your weight--you have to reconcile this in your head and figure out what's behind it. I have every single one of these feelings now and I'm at my goal weight, it has nothing to do with the way I feel about my body. Working on figuring out what makes you feel this way can take you a long way toward resolving these feelings and having fewer days like this. I will say, though, that even though feelings like this aren't related to the way i feel about my body, I take it out on my body, too ... by stuffing my face. It makes no sense, does it!? Yet we all do it!

Feel better

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TARAH85 7/28/2010 8:38PM

    As horrible and terrible as it sounds right now, you have to get up and exercise! If you do that, then you can vent your frustration in a more affective manner than overeating. Obviously, don't overdo it, but kick the crap out of a kickboxing video or punch a punching bag. You'll feel awesome afterward, for two reasons: first, you'll have beaten the urge to eat a lot, and secondly, you'll have exercised! I know it's hard. I've totally been there and am bound to be there again. But I support you and know you can do it! If nothing else, your neighborhood (the picture in the background) looks beautiful. Take a walk and soak up the sun! Good luck with everything and have faith in whatever makes you tick. It's just waiting to burst out!

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LUCICAMP 7/28/2010 8:30PM

    Oh Ashley! You are not alone. So many of us are or have been in that place. Some of us tend to deal with our issues on our own. Some others need to get the help they need elsewhere. Everyone at SP is here for you. Don't eat your emotions. You know that it only makes things worse. Talk to us or find a counselor that you can unload to. You are a beautiful young woman with so much to look forward to with that loving man of yours. emoticon

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REESIEANDME 7/28/2010 8:28PM

    I feel similar feelings on the inside. Lonely, insecure, broken... I am constantly jealous of thinner, prettier women. And I feel the same way about my husband sometimes even though I know he loves only me. I am struggling right now with not pigging out til I can't fit anything in my tummy just because I can't figure out why I am in such a BLAH mood lately. I can't seem to fix it with exercise or anything else for that matter.

I am so sorry that you are going through these emotions, but if you ever want to chat about it or anything, just let me know!! Sometimes it does help just to vent it all out!!

Hope you feel better soon!! AND YOU ARRREEE BEAUTIFUL!!! No matter how much you weigh!!! You are doing so good with bettering yourself just by being on here!! Keep your head up pretty lady!!! You will get past this!!!

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LORKAT 7/28/2010 8:25PM

  I have never met you in real life, but I can honestly say that I think you are beautiful - inside and out.

People can be hateful. Family members can cause so much pain with just words. I was verbally abused by my Mom all my life. She never attacked my appearance, however she did attack my personality and intelligence. I think that words hurt the most when coming from family too. They are the people who are supposed to love us unconditionally.

We cannot let them bring us down though. We cannot let them win. They will always find something flawed in our appearance, personality, spouses, children, house, work, et cetera. They are verbal bullies and should be ignored.

I stopped letting my Mom verbally abuse me. If she starts putting me down, I walk away or change the subject without even letting her finish her sentence. I figure I have two choices; 1) accept her the way she is and ignore her verbal attacks, or 2) cut her out of my life completely. The second option, although tempting at times, would also effect my children and their relationship with their grandmother.

You cannot let them win. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel loved. You will be able to trust again, but you need to either accept and ignore or cut ties with the people who make you feel so terrible.

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MUSTANGMISSY 7/28/2010 8:19PM

    So sorry that you're going through this. The good thing is that you feel safe enough to open up and talk about what you're going through with your spark friends. You are a good person, you are deserving of love. Don't let that negative voice that we all have tell you otherwise. You've been doing so very well and I know you can continue with it. Hope you feel better. emoticon

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My scale and I are in a fight today

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I hopped on my scale this morning after going out for Shabu Shabu last night with my best friend and I didn't like what senor scale had to say back to me today. So you know what? I called him a liar and I vowed to flush all the sodium out of my system today with a little extra water. Take that senor scale! You will not mock me tomorrow. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAMADWARF 8/2/2010 10:24AM

    Isnt it funny how we all call the scale "he" or "him"? lol

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MRS.CATMAN 7/28/2010 5:32PM

    Kick his butt!

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JENPOSS 7/28/2010 5:09PM

    Ha, me and my scale have been fighting for years now!! I love this blog!

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GODDESSLIL80 7/28/2010 5:08PM

    Scale and I are in a fight too ... he's such a damn jerk.

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 7/28/2010 4:29PM

    I've had run ins with senor scale myself and it wasn't pretty... You can outwit him!

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FIT2SWING 7/28/2010 2:51PM

    Senior Scale won't know what hit him

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PERFECTVELVET 7/28/2010 2:33PM

    You show that scale who's boss!
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LORKAT 7/28/2010 2:31PM

  Lmao! Too funny!

emoticon Note to self: Remember to only step on the scale once a week.
emoticonPlus: Never buy a senor scale. What is a senor scale anyway?

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NOT2LATE2BGR8 7/28/2010 1:04PM

    Lol, you're halarious!

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POOKAQUEEN 7/28/2010 1:00PM

    You can take that scale down!

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MAKEDAMNSURE2 7/28/2010 1:00PM

    Yeah girl thats the way to think about it :):)

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BSTELLING 7/28/2010 12:52PM

    Totally Cool!

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CHASE_URDREAMS 7/28/2010 12:51PM

    You go girl!

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I missed being a jock

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I was at the gym this weekend and I realized for the first time I fit in again. As a kid I played three varsity sports and spent the bulk of my time in the gym or around other athletes. It was always a place I felt comfortable. Flash forward to a few years later after my accident and the gym was a painful reminder of what I had been through and a place I no longer belonged. I have been searching for where I belonged since. As I was sitting there after working out in my BAGGY gym clothes emoticon I realized how much happier I am right now. I don't get that, hey why is that fatty here, look anymore.
Even shopping for gym clothes and fitness equipment makes me happy. New clothes, I am looking at yoga pants emoticon, rent a DVD, I am looking at yoga and zumba. I feel so powerful when I strap on my sneakers and ipod and head over to the weights. People have even started emailing me and asking me for nutrition tips. Coworkers are asking for SP's website and are totally amazed I have lost 50 lbs. In searching for where I belonged I needed to remember my childhood when I used to ride my bike 10 miles with my friend just to buy a small bag of penny candy. No wonder I didn't have a weight problem! I feel like I am finally home again and everyday is exciting to see the progress I am making.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

INFLATED 8/11/2010 2:15AM

    When I was young in the 1950's, exercise wasn't something I thought about, I was a kid and they are like clocks, made to run.

I am trying to fit in daily exercise, so that it becomes a habit and not something I have to think about, when can I do it.

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MOMTO3BOYZ2000 7/27/2010 10:34PM

    It's an amazing feeling! Congrats on the 50lb milestone!!!!!

To feel empowered is great! WooHoo!!!

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GODDESSLIL80 7/27/2010 6:17PM

    emoticon emoticon
That is great!

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WAYFARINGSOUL 7/27/2010 3:49PM

    You rock!!!

I'm jealous! I was never a jock. I'm so clumsy that I actually failed skipping in Kindergarten. I feel like Bella from Twilight.

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PELESJEWEL 7/27/2010 2:11PM

    What a feel good blog! Love it! I think you might have asked if I could recommend a good Yoga DVD, I can't because I go to group yoga, zumba & reformer pilates classes. I like the group dynamics and the feeling of "fitting in".

Check with MUSTANGMISSY? She's so resourceful and does Y/P 3x a week, I think?!

P.S. The first time I walked into the Pilates studio I was well over 300lbs. It was reformer pilates that gently helped me back into the 2OOs. That was over 3 years ago. I LOVE reformer pilates!

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MUSTANGMISSY 7/27/2010 10:42AM

    Love the positive vibe!

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ALESHABEE 7/27/2010 10:04AM

    I am with you girl...for me there are few things that makes me feel as powerful as lifting those weights when I'm the only girl in the weights section... emoticon

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LORKAT 7/27/2010 9:05AM

  I loved reading this entry. emoticon

Everyone should have a place where they feel like they belong. I have yet to find mine, but I am sure that I will in due time. I was never a jock, in fact, I was usually the last person picked in sports. Let's just say that I do not have an inkling of athletic ability. Teehehe. I was good at running though. And swimming. I guess I was good at individual type activities. In my mid 20's, I loved to go hiking. Maybe I should buy some hiking boots for me and the family and introduce them to one of my old passions. Hmmmm... That sounds like an excellent idea!

Thanks for inspiring me! emoticon

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CARILOUIE 7/27/2010 8:57AM

    emoticon

Congrats on all your success!!!

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POOKAQUEEN 7/27/2010 8:27AM

    Awesome! Congrats on the baggy clothes! verything you wrote is about fabulous feelings, savor it all!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 7/27/2010 8:24AM

    You deserve to be happy and I'm glad these changes you're making is what's leading you to happiness!
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1 month sparkaversary and 50 lbs total lost!

Monday, July 26, 2010

So today is officially my 1 month anniversary on SP. No, I didn't lose 50 lbs just this month. I did some slow losing on my own over the last year just by working out and making better food choices. I was happy with the losing I was doing but it wasn't happening at a rate I was happy with and I plateaued in early spring. I saw SP mentioned in a magazine and a friend of mine had used it briefly so I decided to check it out. My life changed from that point on.
My first week I wasn't fully eating healthy and I set goals just to record everything i ate and to drink all my water. After a few days of seeing what the nutritional value was of a lot of the garbage I put in my body I was "scared straight". My undergrad degree is in PreMed and I was shocked by how little I actually knew about nutrition. I can't say enough how much I HEART the nutrition tracker. Not wanting to die from a heart attack at 32 I decided to track calories/fat/protein/carbs and sodium and just last week I added fiber.
With a 7 lb weight loss the first week and having scared myself silly by looking up the values of all my old favorites I became obsessed with everything I put in my mouth and restricted myself so much I only had a .5 lb weight loss the second week. It was then that I decided to relax and take my trainer and all my SP friends advice and eat higher in my caloric range. It was scary and hard for me to do but I forced myself and saw immediate results. I went under 300 lbs for the first time in around 6 or 7 years which was a pretty emotional event. For 3 days I scribbled 299 on scrap paper on my desk.

This morning I weighed myself off schedule because I wanted to see how the month went so here are my stats
6/26 starting weight 308
7/26 294
14 lbs total lost with SP!

Measurements- This is the only thing I feel weird about revealing on here which is funny to me. I am not taking too much from these because I feel like there is too much room for human error but these are the losses

Waist -1.5"
Hips -1.5"
Thighs -1.5"
Arms -2.5"

I was hoping to lose more from my waist as I am an apple and that is my huge problem area but I am happy with any loss at all.
Overall I feel amazing. Everyday my attitude and self esteem is rising and I think that it is the support I receive on here that is what is making the big difference. People who aren't into being healthy get sick of hearing about it and I can see their eyes glaze over when I start talking about it. Here there is constantly praise and people are genuinely excited about every little triumph. I can't wait to be able to say I have lost a hundred pounds and be able to post some great before and after pics. Thank you, all of you, for what you do for me. You rule.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JACQUELINEJO 8/4/2010 11:33AM

    What an amazing accomplishment!

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BEARDMUSIC 7/27/2010 8:06PM

    I missed seeing this yesterday! Congrats!!! Wow - 50lbs is an amazing accomplishment!!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MADEMCHE 7/27/2010 7:08AM

    14 pounds and 7 inches is AMAZING! Way to go!

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KATHLOW 7/27/2010 5:01AM

    you did so great! 14 pounds is amazing...and you EARNED it! emoticon

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HOPERISING 7/26/2010 11:35PM

    fantastic! You are rockin' the weight loss! You are inspiring me to get serious about tracking the nutritional stuff. Gosh I hate the tracking but I fear it needs to be done...

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 7/26/2010 9:33PM

    Wow! I think 14 pounds might be a record!

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POOKAQUEEN 7/26/2010 9:31PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
Those are awesome results! You're doing so great!
I see the glazed over looks too! Thank goodness for SP where we can chatter about it and everyone enjoys the healthy talk.

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PELESJEWEL 7/26/2010 8:27PM

    emoticon CONGRATULATIONS!!! HAPPY 1 mo SPARKVERSARY! I am so happy for you! You really are rockin' this journey!!

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KAKIPOPUP 7/26/2010 7:56PM

    Way to go! Congratulations! emoticon

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FRECKS96 7/26/2010 5:46PM

    Yay!!! That's so awesome!!! It's funny...those are the same thing I track and I added them in the same order. I'm thinking calcium next...

Keep up the great work!

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PRETTYINPUNK_04 7/26/2010 4:32PM

    Wow you are such a motivation for me! emoticon on all your sucess. I cant wait to see you at a hundred pounds lost emoticon

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MEGA_MILES 7/26/2010 3:53PM

    Congratulations and keep up the good work. emoticon

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BROOKDOESLIFE 7/26/2010 3:29PM

    Awesome job! Congrats on getting under 300 lbs, that is wonderful. Keep up the great work!!!

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CARILOUIE 7/26/2010 3:13PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FIZZYBALL 7/26/2010 3:11PM

    emoticon You're awesome.... emoticon

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CRIS76 7/26/2010 3:02PM

    What a great month for you :) You are really making some progress! I know it can be scary to "eat more" to lose but really, if you don't eat enough the results can be as detrimental as eating too many. I love that you said you were premed and didn't know as much as you thought about nutrition - I really felt I had a wake up call after seeing everything I was actually eating in comparison to what I thought I was eating.

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VGIMLET 7/26/2010 2:58PM

    Congratulations on an awesome month!

Woot! emoticon

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ANDIEJZ 7/26/2010 2:54PM

  Great Job!! What an inspiring blog! Thank you for sharing! Oh, and as far as the apple shape, I'm in the same boat. But as a PT at the gym reminded me....we didn't get to decide how we put it on, so we don't get to decide how it comes off either... emoticon

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TUBLADY 7/26/2010 2:32PM

    Wow, that is a fantastic month loss.. I know how happy you must feel. And as far as the support from fellow Sparkers, it's great. I a;ways tell people it's not always the quanity of calories we eat its the quality of calories (food) that makes a difference. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WYND10 7/26/2010 2:27PM

    emoticon

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PERFECTVELVET 7/26/2010 2:23PM

    Whoo hoo! Congratulations!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 7/26/2010 2:22PM

    Go Ashley!!! I'm so happy for you, these are great results!!! Keep up the fantastic job and stay positive!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SPALM01 7/26/2010 2:15PM

    Great Job! It is great to see other peoples accomplishments! I'm shotting to get under the 300 mark as well and can really relate - I have been below 300 sine my daughter was born in 2002.

I do have a question - I started working out at a gym and I've been falling within range of all my nutritional values, but today I'm really sore from all the exercises and I'm having trouble eating. I literally just throw my lunch away because the thought of eating it made me nauseaous. Does this have something to do with my stomach muscles hurting??? I may post this to the teams board, but was hoping you may have some advice.

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MUSTANGMISSY 7/26/2010 2:11PM

    What an awesome job! Be proud of all that you've accomplished!

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DAVIS031 7/26/2010 2:09PM

    Congrats! I am so happy for you! This post made me a bit misty. :)
You are doing a great job.

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JUSGETTENBY42 7/26/2010 2:08PM

    emoticon

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ROBINSNEWNEST 7/26/2010 2:06PM

    good for you! happy for you!

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QUIKSYLVER 7/26/2010 2:03PM

    Wow! emoticon

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Finally feeling like healthy eating is a habit

Sunday, July 25, 2010

This morning I made breakfast and as I was cooking I realized that I finally feel like this is natural for me. I have read blogs where people have stated choosing healthy foods is hard for them and they long for their old menus but for me this isn't hard. I actually really enjoy the foods I am eating. I made an egg white omelette with a tiny bit of fresh farmers cheese, portobello mushrooms and onions and 2 of these awesome all natural chicken sausages. Chicken and turkey sausages were not something I ever really understood but I guess it was an issue of finding a brand I like. These are all natural and hormone and anti-biotic free and are delicious! The whole meal was around 350 calories and I couldn't eat the last few bites. What was really exciting to me was that as I was cooking I started mentally adding up the meal in my head and I didn't need to use the tracker to keep myself in check. How exciting to have finally learned something!
I am making my new lifestyle a game. Being a foodie it isn't an option for me to stick with the same meals everyday and I have found this actually is helping to trick my body and not allow myself to plateau. I hope this strategy work! There are some nostalgic items I miss like my family's bizarre lasagna recipe but I am teaching myself new ways too cook and I find the hunt for new recipes really fun.
So tell me. What is your new favorite item you found or meal that you discovered?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MADEMCHE 7/26/2010 9:20AM

    So happy that you are finding healthy food more natural and automatic. Way to go! As far as my favourite healthy food, I really can't pick just one. There was really nothing I didn't eat before and now I just eat less!

But new favourite recipes have to be Lentil Tacos (so good!), Kemp's Black Beans (black beans with sherry vinegar so rich and earthy!) and Avocado Pasta (dress with pasta with half a mashed avocado when hot, add some veg and add the other half of the avocado sliced on top (yum!), so excited about trying new things that are good for me! Really happy that you are too!

Comment edited on: 7/26/2010 9:27:10 AM

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MNGIRLIE 7/26/2010 8:55AM

    It's great to hear that things are going so well with you in the food department. I cook a lot and I've really started to enjoy it since I've been eating healthier. I've got one older recipe that I've changed a bit and LOVE. It lasts me probably 5 or 6 meals with leftovers.

http://allrecipes.com/Recip
e/Quinoa-and-Black-Beans/Detail
.aspx

If you give that one a try read through the reviews and doctor yours up a bit. I love that one.

Another recent one I tried was vegan lentil sloppy joes. Boy were they tasty.

http://www.theppk.com/recip
es/dbrecipes/index.php?RecipeID
=2059

I love sharing recipes so if you have any good ones please send them my way!
P.S. You might have to explain sometime what makes your family's lasagna recipe bizarre :)


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BEARDMUSIC 7/26/2010 8:30AM

    Isn't it wonderful. You really do start to crave the good stuff and the junk food doesn't seem so appetizing anymore. I think my fav food right now is shrimp. I buy it pre-cooked at Sam's Club and have it for lunch with a little cocktail sauce. It is expensive, but not nearly as expensive as eating out 3-4 times a week like we were doing before.

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KATHLOW 7/26/2010 4:17AM

    Loved this! I care a lot about food and I love healthifying my meals! I cooked for my brother and boyfriend yesterday and they didn't even notice it was a 'light' meal :-). I do fall in the 'old habits' trap sometimes tho, so not yet a habit with me.. Good for you though!!

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NATASHAINKY 7/25/2010 11:54PM

    Pirates Booty! Man an ounce is ALOT and its crunchy and just GOOD!!!

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ANGELLYBELLY 7/25/2010 10:43PM

    Loved the blog!
I'm a foodie too and I'm always looking for new foods and new food combos.
My newest "snack" is veggies in hummus. I know..it's not "new" but I never realized how easy it is to tote that around somewhere. I take it to baseball games and movies!
Broccoli is my best friend. I even made a blog ode to broccoli a while back hehe.
The other new food find for me is lentils. They are so much better as a side than couscous, potatos or rice. They fill that 'starch' side that we always think we need, without being too carby.
Another fave snack.. tart green apples in almond nut butter. NOM NOM NOM.

Changing the way I eat, was surprisingly easier than falling into an exercise routine. THAT is hard. But believe it or not.. THAT is becoming my new "habit".

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FIZZYBALL 7/25/2010 9:05PM

    Carrots...used to dislike them now I enjoy them a lot...

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MEEMMOM 7/25/2010 7:59PM

    I love finding new recipes too! I am especially surprised to find out how much I am enjoying fish. In the past I never ate very much fish, but I have found some really good recipes and now have incorporated a lot more fish into our menus.

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MUSTANGMISSY 7/25/2010 7:16PM

    I love natural peanut butter on a multigrain english muffin with fruit.

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HOPERISING 7/25/2010 7:06PM

    I was thinking about this very thing today! I am only about half way there in the eating department. I am happily gravitating toward healthier choices these days... but I am still struggling with portion control, and feeling full and satisfied. I haven't gotten to the point where "I couldn't eat the last few bites."

This week I am happily celebrating garden fresh produce... grilled summer squash, fresh cuke sandwiches, garden ripe tomatoes and fresh basil with a thin slice of mozzy cheese over whole grain bread grilled to toasty perfection on my georgie grill. Grilled portobella "burgers", blueberries, crenshaw melon, fresh sweet corn, swiss chard and baby leeks... yum yum yum!

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TUBLADY 7/25/2010 6:08PM

    I too find its become natural to seek out healthful foods.
My new find , old to lots of people, is Oscar Meyer turkey bacon. Got a coupon for a free package. Tried it today, very tasty. It goes on my favorite list. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BEANPOD77 7/25/2010 5:54PM

    Great blog..Good insight..I have found the same. I have been sparking about 6 months and I no longer dwell on what I "can't: eat or fixate on cookies, or pasta or mounds of cheese ( red light foods for me!!) Eating healthy HAS become natural. Even when I have those days that i want to graze / snack, I actually seek out healthy food..( yougurt, banana etc.). My favorite new item is grilled veggies..Sounds bizarre I know, I just never really like much other than broccoli. Now I love to get red, yellow, orange peppers, vidalia onions, mushrooms and zucchini and put chunks of each on skewers and make grilled veggie kabobs..I marinate them in low cal italian dressing, and baste with this while grilling..........Yummy!
Good luck and I wish you continued success on your journey!

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