Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Have you ever felt so utterly alone that the world could open and swallow you whole and you don't think anybody would even notice?
The depth and breadth of my pain in my soul is just sometimes too much to overcome. For anyone, even the wonderwoman that I am pretending to be. On the inside I am insecure, lonely and in so much pain. Today is a day all I want to do is drown myself in a cake or anything I can shove in my face. I feel so desperate and pathetic. Nobody understands this. When I am broken inside and all I want to do is numb the pain. I am so tired of the tears, of the struggle, of pushing people in my life away so they don't see how bad I really am. Of being jealous of any woman who is remotely attractive because I hate myself so much. At work I never feel people respect me, in my relationship I am never secure in his love for me even though he is 100% dedicated to me. I feel like I have to hide my feelings so people won't judge me. Honestly, if I had anything in this house that was junk food I don't know what would stop me from eating it all. I know this won't solve anything but the desire is still there. The burning hunger to numb myself is still there. I ache to be normal, to feel normal. The hatred towards my family is still there. For all the years of mental torture. How could you look at me and tear me down over and over. This poor little girl who just wanted you to love me, accept me. Why was I never good enough? Why is what I look like so important? When I find love how can you judge him for being foreign?? It isn't even about him it is about an inability to let me happy.
When will I be able to trust anyone again?