Monday, August 19, 2013
That sentence came out during a rather intense discuss about something entirely different. My fiancÚ is not a big communicator. He tends to think of things on his own for a long time and then just blurts them out mid conversation just like this. I stopped talking. It takes quite a bit to make me stop talking. We have discussed children. It wasn't a surprise that someday we would have some. However I didn't realize his sometime was now. Apparently he feels he is has reached his age of wanting a family. He feels we are living day to day but not moving forward much in terms of our family. My business has been my focus. His work has been his focus. We have been taking steps towards buying a house a year or so down the road (unless prices skyrocket again which they are in Boston and we get priced out which is entirely possible).
Honestly, a baby was not high on my priority list. Secretly I know I am not physically in shape to have a healthy pregnancy so I think subconsciously I am putting it off. He told me as nicely as possible that my weight is holding us both back from many things. Activities we enjoy because I am either too out of shape or too self conscious and from me having a healthy pregnancy. That is scared him for me to get pregnant in my current condition.
He is right about all of it. This is not a general commentary on pregnancy and obesity. It is our situation and my person health. I do not wish to give birth or carry a child at 300 lbs. I want them to have a childhood of hiking, bike rides, horse back riding, etc and parents who are doing it right along with them. Not a lifetime glued to the brain dimming box or laptop. I feel lucky to have a partner that supports me and will have the difficult conversations with me in a supportive manner.
I have thought a lot since this conversation Saturday morning and I am there too. Ready to take my life back. Enough of the start stop, start stop and false promises on SP. I have to let the last 3 years go of punishing myself for regaining and just begin again. I miss the thinner more active me so very much. Today is a week of tracking and making my breakfast. Today was my first real day of eating healthy. Honestly, I am dying. Detoxing like crazy from the sugar and junk. Hungry as heck because of the calorie cut but I know this lasts on 3 days. 3 days until I am on a roll and I don't miss the junk. We can do anything for 3 days, right?