Weight loss is such a funny thing. I have been complaining that I don't feel like I look different and that I haven't dropped in sizes. Well apparently my body was just messing with my head because I have a meeting with clients this morning and when I pulled out my trusty black pants, y'all know which ones I mean, that never let me down and always look professional and hide my fat (well I pretend they do ), and um I look ridiculous. They are huge . I also just wanted an excuse to use that emoticon. I literally look like this one . So awesome, now I get to go shopping! This got me to thinking...one of my new friends on here (yes, PELESJEWEL I am talking about you ) was kind enough to message me and offer me clothes she had that are the next size I am going to be. I was blown away by the generosity and now I feel I want to pay that forward. We all are growing out of clothing at such a rapid rate and plus size clothing is so badly needed organizations that aid the needy. This weekend I am going to pack up all the clothes I have that don't fit and anything I have for winter that I will be long grown out of and I am going to donate them to a women's shelter. Why are we all spending money on new clothes that we are going to wear for a month? We can help each other and we can help the needy at the same time. I know a lot of you have been donating to goodwill and I think that is awesome. It makes me feel good to not just be helping myself but to be helping other people. I am everyday shocked by the kindness I witness on this site. I truly believe it is the support of all my new friends that is getting me through this. You guys rock.
If you read my blogs you will know a recurring thing I talk about is how totally awesome my fiancÚ is to me. We met 3 years ago at work. He didn't speak more than 5 words of English and I spoke about the same of Spanish. Funny thing about language is you know when you like someone even if you can't communicate it! Everyday for six months we would stammer through hello's and how are you's laughing because that was really all we could say but I knew by how he looked at me he liked me. I was in a time in my life when I decided to be single and was really happy about it. Funny how it happens that when you give up the search for a partner, you meet the love of your life. My best friend also happened to be Colombian so I begged him to start teaching me Spanish. I could not get this guy out of my head. For 6 months I practiced basic phrases and got up the courage to ask him out. He is younger than me and absolutely gorgeous and this voice in my head kept saying "why would a guy who looks like that want me?".
One day I had the courage to ask him in Spanish "Do you want to go dancing with me?". His face lit up and he said in English "Yes, when?". That Saturday night I picked him up at his house and it was one of the most awkward moments ever. We were both so nervous and smiling but we didn't know what to say or how to say it. Dancing never happened but we ended up back at my apartment using a computer to translate and teaching each other words. I was shocked how easy it was for us to communicate idea or a story with gestures and few basic words. We ended up talking until 3AM even though he had to work a double the next day. I texted my friend on the way home and told him I knew this was the man I was going to marry. From that night forward we were together and he proposed after 9 months.
It sounds so cheesy but he makes me want to be a better person. He has boundless patience and a love and devotion to family that I have never witnessed in a human being. Never once was my weight an issue. I always have had these lingering doubts about why he would want someone "like me" when he could have anybody he wanted. Finally one night over a bottle of wine he told me that he had secretly been in love with me for a long time. A lot longer than I had been interested in him but he thought I wouldn't want him! He said he used to try and look cute while prepping food in the kitchen hoping I would notice him everyday and that the first thing he thought when he saw me was that I had gorgeous hair and that I was so beautiful. I cried. He has shown me over and over what real love is and that it is ok to love myself.
Last night I showed him profiles of people on spark that I talk to and that I admire. One of the girls has lost 125 lbs and is around my height. I hope to be where she is in a year and I find her story so motivating! When he saw her before and after pics he looked at me and hugged me and said "promise me you will keep doing this for yourself. I know you will be so much happier when you are healthy". This is the man that he is. He doesn't want this for himself or to have a "hot" wife. He wants me to be happy. After losing my job this past year we have had to put the wedding off much longer than we would have liked (I would marry him tomorrow). I can't wait to be his wife. I think that is why I am finally emotionally ready to make these changes. Never have I ever felt so much love and support. I am really lucky to have someone so wonderful be my partner. I can't wait until next summer so I can start posting wedding dress photos. I never imagined I would get to wear one of those gorgeous gowns you see in magazines. I always thought I would be choosing from 1 of 3 A-line plus size dresses that I had to order out of a catalogue. Here is a picture. This is our favorite shabu shabu restaurant in Chinatown. Luckily I can still eat here because it is really healthy! He is drinking a scorpion bowl for 2 lol.
So I have been pretty upset because although I am rapidly approaching on 50 lbs lost I have only dropped about a size and half. Then the reality hit me that I had been stuffing myself into clothes that really didn't fit me as well I would like to have and I really was probably a size or 2 bigger than I pretended I was. Being an apple I find that almost nothing fits my butt and hips unless it is way too tight on my waist. Now even the size down I had purchased are all way too baggy, even in the waist. It is like I have been sabotaging my own progress trying to force myself to believe I am bigger than I am! Grrrrrrr
Onto rewards....so I had a shopping problem in my early 20's. I grew up in a house where my parents were broke and so we never had anything new or that we liked or wanted and I swore as an adult I would never have to live like that. I got married and bought a house at 22 and I set about buying the couch set we wanted as well as renovating the house. My real problem started when I realized I was way too young to have gotten married and I felt trapped. I started buying clothes and shoes and coach purses to fill the void in my life I felt. Maybe I hate myself but how can you hate me with this fabulous 400 dollar limited addition bag on my shoulder??? Uggh when I look back now it is like watching a movie of someone else's life. Fast forward to now and I am just not a very material person. I don't have a constant list of things I want to buy and even when I do see something I torture myself over buying it. Part of it is my low self esteem, I have no value so why do I deserve nice things, and the other part is that I am so ashamed of my spending as a kid that I see any purchase now as extravagant and wasteful. I have read over so many other sparkers lists and things like mani's and pedi's don't work for me because I literally have to get them for work (our appearance is a big part of what we do) so they aren't relaxing or a reward for me. Massages are out because I don't like strangers touching me . Three of my big goals are all so close together that I decided not to separate them out and just do one gift to myself. I work a lot and I want a present! I deserve a present! I want something I can hold so it is a constant reminder how far I have come so I decided on the new iphone 4. I could care less about most technology but I love having a nice phone. I use it for work as well (this is me justifying it to myself). For my ten pound goals I decided I want to buy myself fitness related items such as a new dvd or a jump rope. My fiancÚ told me he wants to buy my half way and goal weight rewards (which I think is so cute considering we have all of our finances jointly) which I think right now I want this pair of earrings I have wanted for seriously 2 years.
For my goal weight I want a new wardrobe and my fiancÚ added a trip to Victoria's secret. I think that is more his reward for all the support more than it is for me.
I don't know why I have put so much thought into this but I guess that I see these as such big moments of change in my life that I feel they deserve respect and recognition.
So yesterday I was a big of an emotional mess and one of the comments on the blog I wrote about it was to take pics frequently so I can see the progress. I ran home in my too big work pants to ask my fiancÚ to take some pics of me. I was so sure as soon as I saw the difference since 345 I would feel so much better. I should start by saying he is talented at so many things but he will never be quitting his job to be a photographer. I don't understand how he can't put something in the middle of the frame and not cut off half my head etc. Anyway, he snapped a few photos of me and the second I saw them I lost my mind. I couldn't stop crying. I do not look so horrible when I look in the mirror. Every picture he took I looked like I had 5 chins and I really didn't think I look any different than I did before. I am not photogenic AT ALL but seriously I thought I looked deformed. This did not help my mental state even a little.
For the first time in a long time I head straight to the refrigerator. I had stocked a few skinny cow ice cream cups because I know around my TOM I want sugar and I wanted to have something portion controlled in the fridge so I wouldn't overdo it. FYI if you like ice cream these cups are delicious and only 150 calories. So I ripped the cover off the cookies and cream and dug into it. My fiancÚ gave me this look like, "do you really want to go here". We know each other so well I can read his mind and I said "I am still in my calories for the day" so he let it go but you know what? After 3 bites I realized. I am not going to find my answer at the bottom of this cup or the next or the next or the next. I put the lid on it and put it back in the freezer. I have NEVER done that before. I actually was craving my dinner which was grilled flank steak, portobello mushrooms and turnip. Yummy. I still finished my day in the middle of calorie range but the biggest victory of all is that I stopped a binge from happening. The other thing that made me really happy was how much my fiancÚ supports me. He kept hugging me and telling me how he is so impressed with how far I have come and I will see it soon. I know this is all in my mind. Sometimes I just feel like the ugliest girl in the world. I can't wait until that moment when I see a picture for the first time and I see the difference. For today I am just excited to have made such a big step in controlling the monster that is my emotional roller coaster. Now I need to go hold a 50 lb bag of something so I can see how much I have lost. I do read all of the comments on my blogs and I appreciate all of them. You all make me think about things in different ways and they help me more than you realize. Thank you!