HEALTHYASHLEY   20,877
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HEALTHYASHLEY's Recent Blog Entries

Made a self-discovery

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I keep trying to figure out why I self sabotage. I get super into healthy eating, lose weight, have great results and then slowly start to spiral back down. Why? Then I caught myself being angry that I am calorie counting and putting a lot of thought into what I eat. That I am becoming one of "those people". You see for most of my life I couldn't stand the girls I knew who obsessed over every bite and calorie. Who worried so much about their appearance they were nothing more than a pretty shell. I somehow have convinced myself of the same thing. That I will lose me and become one of those people. Nothing left but a skinny body, pretty face and an obsession with myself. That I will be shallow. I have had more than one person comment they are surprised I am intelligent and blond. Imagine a thin, attractive blond. Will I ever be taken seriously again? Will people love me for me? Will they know who I really am?
Yes, the unknown is scary. I don't know what will happen when I am thin but I have control over whom I become. I hope I inspire other people to get healthy and maybe that will be the good outcome of all this. Other people will see they can do it too and I am worrying about nothing. One thing is for sure, I am going to find out what happens.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANHBH 9/30/2011 12:38PM

    I have no doubt that you will find out what happens! Keep on inspiring us!
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SADDYSPOT 9/30/2011 9:10AM

    I caught myself self sabotaging on Monday. I was telling myself that I was down another pound on the scale so I could eat whatever I wanted. I ended up about 1000 calories over my range for the day, but I've been good every day since then. I just kept it to one day. And those days are getting farther apart. Back in the day, a binge day would have resulted in a 2000 or 3000 calorie surplus for the day, so I'll take it as it is and try to remind myself not to punish myself for my successes.

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 9/28/2011 4:12PM

    I don't think you could ever become shallow, you have put too much into you for that to happen.

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KKINNEA 9/28/2011 11:03AM

    I'm certain that the fact you're exploring this means that you will never be just a calorie-counter. You bring up a lot of interesting points but I know you'll work through them!

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HIPPICHICK1 9/28/2011 9:21AM

    What other people think of you is something you will never, ever be able to control. If you can stop attaching yourself to the worry that comes along with wondering what they are thinking and you will find some happiness.
The only person who needs to know your true power is you. With that knowledge you will be able to go far!

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KATHLOW 9/28/2011 4:22AM

    people will have a flash judgement anyway, whether you're blond, brown, 250 pounds or 125... You know you're not shallow, and we do too!

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2BEHEALTHYAGAIN 9/27/2011 10:16PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GREENSCRAPCAT 9/27/2011 10:06PM

    I do the same thing. You are doing awesome! Geesh, I leave for a few months and all hell breaks loose. You look wonderful!

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SYZYGY922 9/27/2011 8:19PM

    My best friend does this! She was embarrassed to tell me she'd joined a gym and was working out because I guess she worried people would think she was "like those girls."

Anyway, there's nothing shallow about you and (as you know) nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. You do have the added element of being blonde and there are people who assume blondes are dumb (it's 2011, come on people!)

I self-sabotage, too. I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of anyone finding me attractive, so part of me wants to stay fat. Silly, right? Ugh, brains are complicated.

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LADYZOEO 9/27/2011 7:50PM

  self discovery is amazing! I am more in tuned with what I am feeling and how that affects my diet. Not what I am eating! I don't want to be a calorie obsessed person! Good luck!

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CALVIND 9/27/2011 7:40PM

    I self sabatoge sometimes too. I just started reading Made to Crave; Satisfying your deepest desire with god, not food. The auther is by Lysa Terkeurst
I am studying this is my small group at women's group at church. i am only on the 4th chapter and it is very interesting. I am hoping that with reading this and doing Spark i will be able to reach my goals.
Brenda

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IMIN2GENES 9/27/2011 7:39PM

    Ashley you could never be considered shallow! Not by anyone who knows you. Hey, your'e in good company, I'm a blonde scientist. You should see the looks I get from people when they ask what my job is. LOL! Not that I'm a skinny blonde scientist yet; but it's surprising what some people will say when I tell them.

Sometimes what you find in the unknown is awesome. Have fun discovering what's there for you! I'm sure it's going to be good.
Chris


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You are what you eat

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Last night I had to attend one of those industry networking events that is truly the worst part of my job. Let's feed a bunch of restaurateurs and food snobs horrible hotel food and be fake nice to each other. Fun. What was fun was that the EcoCzar and Local Forager for the Northern Atlantic Region from Whole Foods was there and he gave a talk about local and sustainable foods. This is something my company has focused on since before it was trendy but I was happy to see that it has become very mainstream now. He talked about low cost food being low quality and addressed the joke about Whole Foods being called "Whole Paycheck". It made me think a lot about we are what we eat. Our culture has accepted low quality food for so long many people don't even know what food is in season or what a real tomato should taste like. The excuse is always that it is too expensive but the truth is people don't want to change. Yes, grass fed beef costs more but I would rather eat red meat as a rare treat in smaller portions and have it taste like it should and not fill my body full of antibiotics and hormones. I would rather contribute less to poisoning our planet. Did you know at the end of the Mississippi river is a dead zone the size of Massachusetts where nothing can live or grow? It is the second largest in the world. It is the result of the run off of chemicals and pesticides from commercial agriculture. That is something we all have to think about. What we are doing to world our children and grandchildren will inherit. At the turn of the century people ate more than a hundred pounds of local vegetables a year. Now it is 11 lbs. That is a sad number.
All of this made me reflect on my own diet. Fast food scares me but I still occasionally take the easy way out and indulge. I empathize with people on a tight budget or are raising a family. There are 46 million people who are hungry in this country. That is an astounding number. It is about making choices that fit our lifestyle and our budget. Beans are a few dollars a pound. Soak them overnight and throw them on the stove for an hour. Done. My fiancé grew up in poverty and told me meat wasn't always available so you had to get creative but they never went hungry and no one was obese because they ate a lot of vegetables, grains and homemade soups. Yes, I have to change my lifestyle. I have to think ahead, I have to adjust to new norms, I have to make an effort but it is worth it to feed my body healthy food. It is a choice. Did you know that how they make food cheap is that is made in a lab? It isn't even food. The meat in a taco at Taco Bell is something like 70% fake meat that is manufactured mostly full of soy and chemicals. Think about what that does to your body.
It is hard, it takes effort but nothing in life that is worth anything is easy. You have the power to change. It gets easier every time you do it, like the gym emoticon. Start slow and make baby steps. Build up a list of meals you and your family like just like you did with the unhealthy stuff. Change is good. We only get one planet and one body and you have the power to decide to fill it with garbage or with healthy stuff.
Now before someone attacks me. This is not a lecture. This is trying to disseminate information to people whom have expressed a similar interest in living a healthy lifestyle. If you don't like what I have said there is no reason to attack or insult me. We are all entitled to an educated opinion.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHRISTINA791 9/27/2011 2:10PM

    I've been thinking about this a lot, especially since I've moved from having to go without groceries occasionally to being able to splurge a little more.

It's easy to get into the habit when you're well and truly broke, and I think it's one that sticks. We learn to make sacrifices with food while we're establishing ourselves (the stereotype of the raman and mac & cheese-eating student). I've seen posts from people who almost resent having to pay more for healthier foods, and I've felt that way in the past.

Priorities are so out right now. You get people who pay more for a huge size because it's better 'value', just because they're getting the most per unit for the lowest price. Look at all-you-can-eat buffets. It's almost like a game to go as cheap as possible to fill your belly. Even though you often spend less eating controlled portions of healthy foods.

A few months ago, I was loading up a basket of beautiful veggies, and I questioned why I'd resent paying more. It's better quality. It fuels me better than cardboard crap, and I get more out of it. It's worth more, and when you break it down, it's much better value. Sure, I could get a dirt cheap frozen pizza on sale, but what is it doing for me? The goal with food is no longer to just fill my belly so I don't starve, and that pizza doesn't reach any goals beyond that. As much as I like an occasional fast food treat (and in that case, I still go for something local that uses better ingredients), the really cheap discount stuff doesn't even belong in the 'food' category anymore. It's a whole different beast and isn't compared to the food in my fridge, cheap or not.

Besides, once you do get used to buying certain things as normal, it gets easier to budget. There will be some wasted fresh veggies as you're figuring out how long the last, or some leftovers that get tossed due to poor planning, but there's always a learning curve with new habits.

Thanks for the great blog!

Comment edited on: 9/27/2011 2:13:07 PM

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GRACEISENUF 9/25/2011 7:12PM

    I agree with you COMPLETELY. It is quite obvious from your blog you have done your research too.

I get VERY irritated when I hear people complain about the higher cost of REAL foods and organic foods compared to the crap they call food. Seriously? In the long run a person will shell out alot more on doctor bills, drugs and surgery if they continue to poison their body slowly with pesticides, fake sugar and the long list of food additives, hormones, dyes and the like.

I agree with GIRLABILLY too...."Our priorities as a society are soooo out of whack".

Really glad you took the time to write this blog Ashley...it gets my vote.

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2BEHEALTHYAGAIN 9/24/2011 12:13AM

    Awesome blog! Lots of things to think about. Although I knew some of it, most I hadn't heard before, so was glad you told us.

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IMIN2GENES 9/23/2011 12:25PM

    Great info Ashley! Thanks for sharing it. I really didn't know about the Mississippi basin. That's pretty scary!

I'm going to keep working on my baby steps away from the processed; but I'm more determined than ever to do it!
Chris

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KATHLOW 9/23/2011 3:24AM

    I have never agreed more with you. I've been a vegetarian for years but my husband isn't, and I have asked him to spend more on organic meat from small farms, so I know he isn't pumping himself full of antibiotics and crap like that. he likes it more too, and meat is now a three or four days a week meal for him. yay :-)

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FINALLYBEINGME 9/22/2011 9:11PM

    I've slowly been switching from processed foods to whole grains and cooking from scratch. It's not the easiest process but is so worth it! emoticon

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NANHBH 9/22/2011 3:50PM

    Great info! And I'm worth eating real, healthy food!

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HIPPICHICK1 9/22/2011 1:53PM

    I find it quite sad and disgusting that humans are ruining the planet with their greed for profits by creating large agri-businesses. Imagine if everyone had a small garden plot how much greener we could all make the planet just by doing that. We would have little need for commercially grown veggies (in the summer months anyway) and would save so much gasoline driving to the grocery store for veggies that have been sprayed with pesticides. Imagine if everyone supported a local organic beef farmer by buying direct. That's what we do and thankfully we are able to do it because we buy in bulk and we have a big freezer. It's grass fed, no hormones, no antibiotics. It's wonderful to be able to have access to that kind of food and it's affordable too.
Am I ever glad that fast food does not appeal to me and I have managed to only eat at a Taco Bell once in my life.

Comment edited on: 9/22/2011 1:56:12 PM

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OJIBWEEQUAY 9/22/2011 1:07PM

    If we are what we eat, then I am freaking delicious! LOLOLOL! I just had lentils and quinoa mixed with whole grains for lunch! I also feed the girls what I eat! No separate meals in this house!! emoticon We are POOR! Ok a grad student poor? go figure LOL! But we make it work because I always think if you used to pay 3-4 at starbucks then you can by the bison meat and lentils! I am the only partial vegan in the house so the fam still are carneys! But if you are smart and budget you can do it!! Great blog Ash! emoticon

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SMILINGTREE 9/22/2011 12:01PM

    I am always stunned by how people simply accept that the food available is safe and healthy, despite evidence to the contrary. I read about a book called Wheat Belly last week (haven't read the book yet) and was shocked to learn that modern, commercially farmed wheat contains 5 previously unknown proteins. No wonder there is such a rise in gluten intolerance.

Learning about how food is produced and distributed scares me, but also makes me feel motivated to shop as locally as possible. Where I live, that's fairly easy to do - there are CSAs, an awesome farmers' market, several "whole foods" type grocery stores and even a butcher shop that uses both local meat and local spices. There are so many other places that don't have all of that available, though. And, shockingly, people don't seem to care.

Recently, someone left a comment on one of my posts about how the cantaloupe recall was basically a big media scare, and that the media always over plays the importance of food born illness. When people DIE due to completely preventable illnesses, it is newsworthy. How can anyone think that we shouldn't be concerned?

Thanks for this post. It's good to know that people in your industry are thinking about this stuff, because it IS important. I guess the best way we can make change happen is like you said - have the expensive stuff as a "rare treat" and make our demands known with our purchasing dollars.

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GIRLABILLY 9/22/2011 12:00PM

    Thanks for this blog. Really well written, and it's all true...food is an interesting topic. Considering how much we need it, and it fuels us...we sure do put a lot of crap in our body, all the while using the excuse of "it's too expensive to eat healthy."

Nevermind that people will go out and drop money on irrelevant things that cost X 34987348973 what you would pay for some organic meat. Our priorities as a society are sooo out of whack.

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SLFRISBEY 9/22/2011 11:25AM

    Wow, that is eye opening! Thanks for the info, I will be looking at things a little differently now :)

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GODDESSLIL80 9/22/2011 11:21AM

    This is something I think a lot about too (and am also still learning how to make work on a budget). So I found this very helpful and informative. Thanks for posting!

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CYNDERROSE 9/22/2011 11:09AM

    It double posted emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/22/2011 11:10:28 AM

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HEALTHYASHLEY 9/22/2011 11:01AM

    @cynderrose I am glad to hear you are working on the kids as well! One of the things I brought up in a meeting this week at work was paying more attention to the children's snacks and menus we create. No more lazy burgers and fries because it is easy and assumed that is all kids want. I put a fruit cup on a menu and one of my clients specifically pointed out to me how excited she was that I had put healthy food on the kids menu and how much she appreciated that. Something so simple.
@Erin the guy giving the talk became vegan after all the research he did on where our food comes from and he only feeds his family organic meats. Yes, he is lucky to be able to afford it but he had some great points about how to make it affordable and I liked that he practiced what he preached.

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CYNDERROSE 9/22/2011 10:49AM

    Thank you for sharing. While my husband and I have been eating healthier, our children's diet isn't always that healthy. I need to work on changing their diets as well.

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COOKWITHME65 9/22/2011 10:46AM

    Thanks for the info Ashley. I never knew that about taco bell. Yuck!

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ERIN4771 9/22/2011 10:30AM

    educating ourselves is the key...and also the reason i became vegetarian emoticon

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MAMADWARF 9/22/2011 10:26AM

    Very informative and well written and if someone attacks you, let me know and I will sneeze on their lettuce. I got you!

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PGNBRI 9/22/2011 10:20AM

    I have definitely changed my attitude about the "cost" of food. Money is limited, and always effects my decisions, but I now weigh a lot of the other "costs" (nutrition, environmental impact, etc) as well.

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JTAMSYN 9/22/2011 10:15AM

    Very informative! Thanks for sharing!

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KKINNEA 9/22/2011 10:13AM

    Exactly so - I think once people start changing how and what they're eating, the arguments of "too expensive" start going away. I totally agree with your idea on the small changes - it makes things stick better and gives you time to change over to new habits.

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Back to blogging

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I have been very inconsistent with my blogging mostly because I got tired of being lectured by people who knew nothing about me and stopped by, read 2 paragraphs and decided they knew about me in my life. One too many suggestions of therapy or had I tried journaling my food sent me over the edge. I made my page private for awhile which I didn't want to have to do. I wish we could block people on here but for some reason SP seems to resist this feature regardless of how many times I see people commenting they would like it. Writing is my therapy. It helps me sort out my thoughts and yes, I could just journal but I like having feedback from my friends on here. Many times you have helped me see things in a way I would not have an it helps more than you know. It has made me think more about my comments and when I read a blog and feel negative I have stopped commenting at all. It doesn't help either of us. Unless I truly know the person I make an effort to not sound preachy or judgmental. I think this process is an evolution of not just our thoughts but our behavior as well. I am hoping that I am succeeding at becoming a kinder and more empathetic person in general. I know it has certainly helped me be kinder with myself. It has helped me sort out feelings from excuses. It has helped me accept responsibility for my behaviors and forgive myself for my mistakes and move on. Slowly I am becoming the person that I want to be and keeping a record of it all, good and bad, is part of this process for me. I am also going to go back to blogging off this site about food and healthy living. It is something I wanted to do but without a good camera I was worried it would seem amateurish and it has kept me from moving forward. As I have said before, fear keeps us stagnant. Fear needs to be a motivator. It is inside all of us to do this. Keep fighting.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GROOVER4 9/28/2011 5:19AM

    I'm also really glad you are back blogging. I admire your honesty - with yourself and with us - because that level of self reflection is not easy. Sadly I think people get caught up in those early days of weight-loss euphoria and suddenly feel like an expert on all matter. I don't want to crush their enthusiasm but some of the posts I've read bring out my inner snark. Life has bumps and we all negotiate them in different ways. Any day faced with determination and a good plan forward is one less day hiding under the doona inactive.

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KTTAYLOR21 9/24/2011 4:02PM

    I have a few friends on here and alot of their pages I never even go to. I honestly LOOK for your blogs because I love how you express yourself and your writing is amazing (I think I told you this before). You inspire and motivate me. Unfortunately you can't always filter the bad seeds, so figure out a way to over look them. Because I've missed your blogs so much and I'm glad your back at it.

Stay amazing!!!

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Kim

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2BEHEALTHYAGAIN 9/23/2011 11:08PM

    Some people just aren't happy unless they're citicizing others. I've missed your blogs and glad that you're back at it!

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PHEFEY 9/23/2011 11:29AM

    You are awesome! I love how you speak the truth!

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NANHBH 9/22/2011 3:45PM

    Reminds me of something my mom always said to us as kids - "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!"

There are several people whose blogs I love to follow because they are so honest and refreshing. Yours is one of them. It pains me that people are so brutal to someone like you who is "getting real" about what's eating them. Please don't ever change, Ash. Your blogs are not only theraputic to you, but to many of us out here reading them.
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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 9/21/2011 6:46PM

    Welcome back! I loved your comment: "It has made me think more about my comments and when I read a blog and feel negative I have stopped commenting at all." I agree with this statement whole heartedly.

Have fun with your food blogging. Are you going to post a link?

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NUTS4NUTELLA 9/21/2011 3:23PM

    I for one, am very glad to see you blogging again!

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CYNDERROSE 9/21/2011 2:36PM

    Your awesome, and I have missed your blogs.

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KKINNEA 9/21/2011 2:23PM

    Exactly, this supposed to be a space where we can express - sorry to hear people are making those kinds of comments!

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LIVIN2LOVE1 9/21/2011 1:11PM

    Keep up the blogging. I've missed you!

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WORTHEYMOM 9/21/2011 12:24PM

    Love it! It can truely be theraptic and feedback is an important part of it! There has been many times that I have just stopped and read your blogs and totally felt like you were reading my mind. Everyone has bumps in the road, but it's how we get over those bumps and you are doing wonderful! Thanks for being a continued inspiration to all of us!

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STEPHEKP 9/21/2011 11:45AM

    I think you are awesome and just keep doing what you are doing!

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I cried outside the gym

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Today was the first day I was allowed back to the gym so this morning I excitedly packed my gym bag and headed off to work. When my fiancé saw the bag in the back I saw a look of pride in his eyes that made feel like a million bucks. He loves when I workout and I feel better when I do as well both mentally and physically. He told me he was proud that I was getting right back to it as soon as I was able.
After work I felt scared but I still went. The closer I got the more nervous I felt until I pulled into the parking lot. Then I sat in the car willing myself to go in and thinking of excuses not too. I almost left but I thought of all of you. All the words of encouragement you sent me today. I thought of how I would have to come on here and tell all of you I quit. I quit on me, my family and all of you. I burst in to tears. It was the frustration of feeling like I was starting over, again. Of feeling like all the work I had down was lost and it wasn't even my fault.
Then I got over myself and I went in. I worked out and I even pushed myself. I listened to my body and stopped earlier than I would have wanted but when my body told me I needed to stop. I conquered and I made myself proud. We can do this. It is one small decision at a time to choose the life we want.
I love you all more than you know. Thank you for being the angels on my shoulder.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KTTAYLOR21 9/24/2011 3:57PM

    Good for you Ashley!! We are all here routing you on. emoticon

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IMIN2GENES 9/23/2011 12:20PM

    Way to go Ashley!

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JMERLAU 9/23/2011 7:17AM

    I conquered and I made myself proud

NUFF SAID!!

Great job Ashley!

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JANETRIS 9/22/2011 4:07PM

    Geez...that was an awesome blog post! I cried right along with you. I'm so glad you are staying in the game! congrats....Jane emoticon

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NANHBH 9/22/2011 3:52PM

    emoticon
I cried reading this! Together we CAN do what we cannot do alone.

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ERIKA05 9/21/2011 4:15PM

    Good for you! I'm back to my old workouts tonight, and I hope that I have the stones to push myself too!
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Your words are a great inspiration to give it my all!

Comment edited on: 9/21/2011 4:15:33 PM

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GIRLABILLY 9/21/2011 3:51PM

    Amazing job :0)

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NUTS4NUTELLA 9/21/2011 3:34PM

    Aww, I am SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU!!! That takes so much strength. I truly believe that small decisions is what gets us to the finish line.
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DEVILICI0US 9/21/2011 11:51AM

    Very inspiring! You push yourself to limits that I am afraid to, or maybe just to chicken to. Step one, you went to the gym to pick back up where you left off, not to start over, just coming back from a hiatus. This step is the one that keeps me from accomplishing what I want to. Keep it up, you have come a long way, and you are a daily reminder that it can be done.

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JUNEBUGABEE 9/21/2011 10:37AM

    That moment where you let yourself break down and come to terms with how you are holding yourself back-- and then push through it-- I believe that moments like that are where more work gets done than can ever be done in the gym. Good job. Keep up the good work.

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LCHADBOURNE 9/21/2011 9:34AM

    Way to go!!! I'm so proud of you! It's great to have that feeling of accountability when you need it most.

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FITMOMTO4 9/21/2011 7:40AM

    Way to go! Really proud of you!

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KATHLOW 9/21/2011 3:55AM

    good for you!

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JTAMSYN 9/21/2011 1:30AM

    Awesome!!! SO proud of you emoticon

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LEAPINGLIZARDS 9/21/2011 12:31AM

    Another battle won! Keep it up!
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2BEHEALTHYAGAIN 9/21/2011 12:14AM

    You're such an inspiration!! Glad you listened to your body and didn't push youself so far that you did damage. I'm sure that it was just your body's way of needing to "get it all out" and hopefully tomorrow will be much better for you!

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KKINNEA 9/20/2011 11:53PM

    Fantastic!

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REDHEADMOM2U 9/20/2011 11:06PM

    You did it! Awesome!

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OJIBWEEQUAY 9/20/2011 10:46PM

    You are so inspiring!!!! I felt like such a slug today! I didnt work out! I will be thinking of you tomorrow when I am pumping iron! emoticon

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FINALLYBEINGME 9/20/2011 10:39PM

    emoticon I'm so glad you went in! It is definitely about the small decisions.

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BILLIEK17 9/20/2011 10:11PM

    We all have those moments when we have to make the decision to make ourselves proud or give in to the temptation to digress. YOU inspire me. Thank you for sharing your journey here so that I don’t feel so alone with this struggle.

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SAMMYSWEETPEA 9/20/2011 10:10PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

We're so proud of you!

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LITTLEONEJLC 9/20/2011 10:07PM

    Yeah Ashley! emoticon

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LORETTA24 9/20/2011 9:44PM

    emoticon Way to go! I am not only proud of you but am imspired to go back to the gym myself. Thank you for sharing. Stay safe, find the joy in your day and keep smiling sunshine. emoticon

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MOMASAURUS 9/20/2011 9:31PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PGNBRI 9/20/2011 9:17PM

    emoticon

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HIPPICHICK1 9/20/2011 9:05PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TAKINBACKMYBODY 9/20/2011 8:52PM

    Good for you - glad you got right back in there and went for it!!! emoticon

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ALWAYSCHANGING 9/20/2011 8:49PM

    You frigging rock!!!! Way to set those self doubts and fear aside and to put on your big girl SUPERWOMAN Cape and get it in. It's hard to return to the gym after roadblocks, injuries etc get in our way. I admire that you did it.

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JSPIN74 9/20/2011 8:14PM

    emoticon emoticon

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SYZYGY922 9/20/2011 8:04PM

    Glad you're back at it! emoticon

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MELLYBEANS0919 9/20/2011 8:01PM

    Congrats Ashley!!

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R0SYJ3WL 9/20/2011 7:53PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

You GO GIRL!!

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NETTIEDEE 9/20/2011 7:48PM

    I am so proud of you!

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DOITBECKY 9/20/2011 7:32PM

    emoticon

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ELLIE-1220 9/20/2011 7:09PM

    That's awesome! You did well! If we conquer each of those moments one at time, and find the courage to keep moving forward then we will inevitably succeed. You succeeded today. I wish greatness continues in your life!

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KJDOESLIFE 9/20/2011 7:05PM

    Great job!

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RONOSOF 9/20/2011 6:59PM

    great job super star!

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BADASSBLONDIE 9/20/2011 6:58PM

    YOU ARE A TOTAL BADASS!!!! WOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!

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COOKWITHME65 9/20/2011 6:57PM

    emoticon Ashley! You are in control of your own destination.

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LUVDOGZ 9/20/2011 6:57PM

    Way to go Ashley! You are emoticongirl! I love how we can help each other, even when we aren't actually there!

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Am I happy?

Sunday, September 18, 2011

This is a question I have been pondering all week. What is happy? Well my definition anyway. I have been in a funk since vacation feeling like I am in a holding pattern. Waiting for surgery, waiting for when I could get back to weight loss and working out. These are the conclusions I have come too.

I am in the best relationship I have ever been had in my life. He supports me, we communicate well, we fight fair and end disagreements quickly and we share a deep love that is the kind people make movies about. Yes, I know how lucky I am to have this and believe me I do have to work at it but having been divorced I have learned a great deal about it.

Work is in a good place. I made 2 huge sales this week and I am finding joy in what I do right now. One of my bosses is becoming essentially a silent partner due to health issues and unfortunately he was the one I really enjoyed working with. At first I questioned if I should look for a new job but I decided to see it through after discussing it with some friends I have in the business world. Work can be what I make it and I am not going to give up every time something gets hard.

I am making an effort to be more kind and supportive with my friends. I am sensitive and loyal but if someone upsets me or betrays me I cut them out and never look back. I hold others and myself to impossible standards and always end up disappointed. Because of this I have decided to cut others and myself some slack and accept people for as they are and whom they choose to be. This weekend I am going to a girls only party and I am excited. It has been a long time since I have done that and I think I need to spend more time with other people and not at home being lonely and eating.

Cutting myself some slack. I am a Type-A personality. I always have been. That is why I am good at my job. I see the details and hold people to very high standards. Problem is that doesn't always translate to a happy life overall. Learning to set reasonable goals and celebrating milestones is how I will be successful. Tomorrow is my follow up and hopefully my ok to return to the gym. I am exited and nervous at the same time. It has been 3 weeks since I could work out which means all the work I did is gone and I have to start over. I miss my muscle definition and am looking forward to losing weight again.

Weighing myself has always been a vice of mine and I decided to stop doing it so frequently. I am thinking of limiting myself to the first and 15th of the month and using NS things like clothes size to keep motivated. Fluctuations mess with my mind too much.

Why do I eat? Stress, boredom, addiction, loneliness and anger. Wow that is a long list. I have a hard time being restrictive with what I eat so I have decided to be very strict with my portion control. I can graze all day but have decided to make a food plan for the day, measure portions and follow it. Period. The most weight I lost was following this kind of plan and I am so ready to lose and look the way I want to look. Its not about a number. It is about a feeling.

Take care of my appearance for myself. I love clothes, makeup, fashion but as I mentioned in my last blog I don't feel attractive so I feel like a fraud. Saturday we went to buy my honey a suit and I threw on an old hoodie as it has become really cold here this past week. I caught my reflection in a mirror and I looked awful. Big bags under my eyes, stringy hair and wearing the same old outfit I used to wear when I was really big. Instead of beating myself up I took it as an opportunity to self reflect and I realized when I take the time to take care of my appearance it makes me feel the best and that spills over into all aspects of my life. It is not even about anyone else it is just about making myself happy and that was the key I was missing. Just doing things for me. My whole life I tried to make me people like me. I felt like I had to behave a certain way and overdo things for other people to win them over when really if I had just been myself and worried about taking care of me I would have been happy.
This is about putting me and my needs first and doing the things that make me feel good about myself. I am talented, creative, articulate and yes, sometimes even beautiful and I appreciate me.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANHBH 9/22/2011 3:56PM

    Ash, you are TOTALLY beautiful!
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PELESJEWEL 9/19/2011 8:47PM

    Awesome insights Ashley. Keep working your plan, slow & steady!

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2BEHEALTHYAGAIN 9/19/2011 4:57PM

    Lots of thinking here. Sounds like you have an idea of what you need to work on, and a plan to do it. We are usually our own worst enemy.

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BELLALUCIA 9/19/2011 2:47PM

    Keep achieving your dreams honey!

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SEESTARS 9/19/2011 1:57PM

    I loved this blog! You and I are so alike. It was like you were reading my mind and putting it all on the page. I have to portion all my food, focus on being more forgiving with myself and friends, and dress well to make myself feel good about the way I look now. And I totally hear you about the job. When I'm positive about it, i can make it great. But lately I've been in a funk and just hating it. Boo!

Thanks for this amazing blog. You drive things home as usual.

Keep at it and enjoy the NE fall weather.
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ERIN4771 9/19/2011 7:47AM

    i read this last night, but needed some time to reflect on it, mostly because so much of what you said really hit home with me...i tend to run when things get tough, i am a type "a" personality, an hold myself and others to impossibly high standards...i tend to also not give people a second chance when they mess up, or hurt me...it's easy to go back in to the same routines, wearing the same frumpy clothes, because it's safer than putting ourselves out there...but, sometimes we need to do just that....we all deserve to be happy, and we all have different definitions of what that entails...you have an awesome fiance, a job you are excellent at and love(with the occasional icky day here and there) a healthier relationship with yourself and food and are constantly learning new things about yourself, and i think that's pretty cool chica....so, keep remembering just that....you deserve to be happy emoticon

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PJH2028 9/19/2011 7:41AM

    I love your clarity. Relate to so much you say here. You do sound centered, and
ready .... to take these subtle actions
ready .... (to be) and happy


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PGNBRI 9/18/2011 11:20PM

    You deserve to be happy and well cared for. And who better to take care of you than you!

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FINALLYBEINGME 9/18/2011 10:18PM

    This spoke to me because I'm learning to let go of control and those high expectations of other people as well since no one is perfect..glad you're focusing on putting your needs first. You're definitely worth it! emoticon

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MELLYBEANS0919 9/18/2011 8:32PM

    Good for you realizing you need to take care of you, and do what makes you happy and feel good.

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JENBELLE13 9/18/2011 7:54PM

    You are so right on so many levels. We've all been there and like KAMAPERRY said, you've got to take care of YOU and create your own happiness. You are definitely on the right track and stopping to evaluate every aspect is key to making what you want happen.

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KAMAPERRY 9/18/2011 7:29PM

    You sound like I was. You deserve to feel good about how you look! Throw that hoodie away! Take care of YOU, no one can do it better than you.

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