Sunday, September 18, 2011
This is a question I have been pondering all week. What is happy? Well my definition anyway. I have been in a funk since vacation feeling like I am in a holding pattern. Waiting for surgery, waiting for when I could get back to weight loss and working out. These are the conclusions I have come too.
I am in the best relationship I have ever been had in my life. He supports me, we communicate well, we fight fair and end disagreements quickly and we share a deep love that is the kind people make movies about. Yes, I know how lucky I am to have this and believe me I do have to work at it but having been divorced I have learned a great deal about it.
Work is in a good place. I made 2 huge sales this week and I am finding joy in what I do right now. One of my bosses is becoming essentially a silent partner due to health issues and unfortunately he was the one I really enjoyed working with. At first I questioned if I should look for a new job but I decided to see it through after discussing it with some friends I have in the business world. Work can be what I make it and I am not going to give up every time something gets hard.
I am making an effort to be more kind and supportive with my friends. I am sensitive and loyal but if someone upsets me or betrays me I cut them out and never look back. I hold others and myself to impossible standards and always end up disappointed. Because of this I have decided to cut others and myself some slack and accept people for as they are and whom they choose to be. This weekend I am going to a girls only party and I am excited. It has been a long time since I have done that and I think I need to spend more time with other people and not at home being lonely and eating.
Cutting myself some slack. I am a Type-A personality. I always have been. That is why I am good at my job. I see the details and hold people to very high standards. Problem is that doesn't always translate to a happy life overall. Learning to set reasonable goals and celebrating milestones is how I will be successful. Tomorrow is my follow up and hopefully my ok to return to the gym. I am exited and nervous at the same time. It has been 3 weeks since I could work out which means all the work I did is gone and I have to start over. I miss my muscle definition and am looking forward to losing weight again.
Weighing myself has always been a vice of mine and I decided to stop doing it so frequently. I am thinking of limiting myself to the first and 15th of the month and using NS things like clothes size to keep motivated. Fluctuations mess with my mind too much.
Why do I eat? Stress, boredom, addiction, loneliness and anger. Wow that is a long list. I have a hard time being restrictive with what I eat so I have decided to be very strict with my portion control. I can graze all day but have decided to make a food plan for the day, measure portions and follow it. Period. The most weight I lost was following this kind of plan and I am so ready to lose and look the way I want to look. Its not about a number. It is about a feeling.
Take care of my appearance for myself. I love clothes, makeup, fashion but as I mentioned in my last blog I don't feel attractive so I feel like a fraud. Saturday we went to buy my honey a suit and I threw on an old hoodie as it has become really cold here this past week. I caught my reflection in a mirror and I looked awful. Big bags under my eyes, stringy hair and wearing the same old outfit I used to wear when I was really big. Instead of beating myself up I took it as an opportunity to self reflect and I realized when I take the time to take care of my appearance it makes me feel the best and that spills over into all aspects of my life. It is not even about anyone else it is just about making myself happy and that was the key I was missing. Just doing things for me. My whole life I tried to make me people like me. I felt like I had to behave a certain way and overdo things for other people to win them over when really if I had just been myself and worried about taking care of me I would have been happy.
This is about putting me and my needs first and doing the things that make me feel good about myself. I am talented, creative, articulate and yes, sometimes even beautiful and I appreciate me.