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HEALTHYASHLEY's Recent Blog Entries

Back to blogging

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I have been very inconsistent with my blogging mostly because I got tired of being lectured by people who knew nothing about me and stopped by, read 2 paragraphs and decided they knew about me in my life. One too many suggestions of therapy or had I tried journaling my food sent me over the edge. I made my page private for awhile which I didn't want to have to do. I wish we could block people on here but for some reason SP seems to resist this feature regardless of how many times I see people commenting they would like it. Writing is my therapy. It helps me sort out my thoughts and yes, I could just journal but I like having feedback from my friends on here. Many times you have helped me see things in a way I would not have an it helps more than you know. It has made me think more about my comments and when I read a blog and feel negative I have stopped commenting at all. It doesn't help either of us. Unless I truly know the person I make an effort to not sound preachy or judgmental. I think this process is an evolution of not just our thoughts but our behavior as well. I am hoping that I am succeeding at becoming a kinder and more empathetic person in general. I know it has certainly helped me be kinder with myself. It has helped me sort out feelings from excuses. It has helped me accept responsibility for my behaviors and forgive myself for my mistakes and move on. Slowly I am becoming the person that I want to be and keeping a record of it all, good and bad, is part of this process for me. I am also going to go back to blogging off this site about food and healthy living. It is something I wanted to do but without a good camera I was worried it would seem amateurish and it has kept me from moving forward. As I have said before, fear keeps us stagnant. Fear needs to be a motivator. It is inside all of us to do this. Keep fighting.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GROOVER4 9/28/2011 5:19AM

    I'm also really glad you are back blogging. I admire your honesty - with yourself and with us - because that level of self reflection is not easy. Sadly I think people get caught up in those early days of weight-loss euphoria and suddenly feel like an expert on all matter. I don't want to crush their enthusiasm but some of the posts I've read bring out my inner snark. Life has bumps and we all negotiate them in different ways. Any day faced with determination and a good plan forward is one less day hiding under the doona inactive.

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KTTAYLOR21 9/24/2011 4:02PM

    I have a few friends on here and alot of their pages I never even go to. I honestly LOOK for your blogs because I love how you express yourself and your writing is amazing (I think I told you this before). You inspire and motivate me. Unfortunately you can't always filter the bad seeds, so figure out a way to over look them. Because I've missed your blogs so much and I'm glad your back at it.

Stay amazing!!!

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Kim

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2BEHEALTHYAGAIN 9/23/2011 11:08PM

    Some people just aren't happy unless they're citicizing others. I've missed your blogs and glad that you're back at it!

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PHEFEY 9/23/2011 11:29AM

    You are awesome! I love how you speak the truth!

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NANHBH 9/22/2011 3:45PM

    Reminds me of something my mom always said to us as kids - "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!"

There are several people whose blogs I love to follow because they are so honest and refreshing. Yours is one of them. It pains me that people are so brutal to someone like you who is "getting real" about what's eating them. Please don't ever change, Ash. Your blogs are not only theraputic to you, but to many of us out here reading them.
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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 9/21/2011 6:46PM

    Welcome back! I loved your comment: "It has made me think more about my comments and when I read a blog and feel negative I have stopped commenting at all." I agree with this statement whole heartedly.

Have fun with your food blogging. Are you going to post a link?

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NUTS4NUTELLA 9/21/2011 3:23PM

    I for one, am very glad to see you blogging again!

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CYNDERROSE 9/21/2011 2:36PM

    Your awesome, and I have missed your blogs.

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KKINNEA 9/21/2011 2:23PM

    Exactly, this supposed to be a space where we can express - sorry to hear people are making those kinds of comments!

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LIVIN2LOVE1 9/21/2011 1:11PM

    Keep up the blogging. I've missed you!

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WORTHEYMOM 9/21/2011 12:24PM

    Love it! It can truely be theraptic and feedback is an important part of it! There has been many times that I have just stopped and read your blogs and totally felt like you were reading my mind. Everyone has bumps in the road, but it's how we get over those bumps and you are doing wonderful! Thanks for being a continued inspiration to all of us!

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STEPHEKP 9/21/2011 11:45AM

    I think you are awesome and just keep doing what you are doing!

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I cried outside the gym

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Today was the first day I was allowed back to the gym so this morning I excitedly packed my gym bag and headed off to work. When my fiancé saw the bag in the back I saw a look of pride in his eyes that made feel like a million bucks. He loves when I workout and I feel better when I do as well both mentally and physically. He told me he was proud that I was getting right back to it as soon as I was able.
After work I felt scared but I still went. The closer I got the more nervous I felt until I pulled into the parking lot. Then I sat in the car willing myself to go in and thinking of excuses not too. I almost left but I thought of all of you. All the words of encouragement you sent me today. I thought of how I would have to come on here and tell all of you I quit. I quit on me, my family and all of you. I burst in to tears. It was the frustration of feeling like I was starting over, again. Of feeling like all the work I had down was lost and it wasn't even my fault.
Then I got over myself and I went in. I worked out and I even pushed myself. I listened to my body and stopped earlier than I would have wanted but when my body told me I needed to stop. I conquered and I made myself proud. We can do this. It is one small decision at a time to choose the life we want.
I love you all more than you know. Thank you for being the angels on my shoulder.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KTTAYLOR21 9/24/2011 3:57PM

    Good for you Ashley!! We are all here routing you on. emoticon

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IMIN2GENES 9/23/2011 12:20PM

    Way to go Ashley!

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JMERLAU 9/23/2011 7:17AM

    I conquered and I made myself proud

NUFF SAID!!

Great job Ashley!

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JANETRIS 9/22/2011 4:07PM

    Geez...that was an awesome blog post! I cried right along with you. I'm so glad you are staying in the game! congrats....Jane emoticon

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NANHBH 9/22/2011 3:52PM

    emoticon
I cried reading this! Together we CAN do what we cannot do alone.

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ERIKA05 9/21/2011 4:15PM

    Good for you! I'm back to my old workouts tonight, and I hope that I have the stones to push myself too!
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Your words are a great inspiration to give it my all!

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GIRLABILLY 9/21/2011 3:51PM

    Amazing job :0)

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NUTS4NUTELLA 9/21/2011 3:34PM

    Aww, I am SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU!!! That takes so much strength. I truly believe that small decisions is what gets us to the finish line.
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DEVILICI0US 9/21/2011 11:51AM

    Very inspiring! You push yourself to limits that I am afraid to, or maybe just to chicken to. Step one, you went to the gym to pick back up where you left off, not to start over, just coming back from a hiatus. This step is the one that keeps me from accomplishing what I want to. Keep it up, you have come a long way, and you are a daily reminder that it can be done.

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JUNEBUGABEE 9/21/2011 10:37AM

    That moment where you let yourself break down and come to terms with how you are holding yourself back-- and then push through it-- I believe that moments like that are where more work gets done than can ever be done in the gym. Good job. Keep up the good work.

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LCHADBOURNE 9/21/2011 9:34AM

    Way to go!!! I'm so proud of you! It's great to have that feeling of accountability when you need it most.

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SHRINKINGMOMTO4 9/21/2011 7:40AM

    Way to go! Really proud of you!

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KATHLOW 9/21/2011 3:55AM

    good for you!

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JTAMSYN 9/21/2011 1:30AM

    Awesome!!! SO proud of you emoticon

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LEAPINGLIZARDS 9/21/2011 12:31AM

    Another battle won! Keep it up!
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2BEHEALTHYAGAIN 9/21/2011 12:14AM

    You're such an inspiration!! Glad you listened to your body and didn't push youself so far that you did damage. I'm sure that it was just your body's way of needing to "get it all out" and hopefully tomorrow will be much better for you!

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KKINNEA 9/20/2011 11:53PM

    Fantastic!

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REDHEADMOM2U 9/20/2011 11:06PM

    You did it! Awesome!

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OJIBWEEQUAY 9/20/2011 10:46PM

    You are so inspiring!!!! I felt like such a slug today! I didnt work out! I will be thinking of you tomorrow when I am pumping iron! emoticon

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FINALLYBEINGME 9/20/2011 10:39PM

    emoticon I'm so glad you went in! It is definitely about the small decisions.

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BILLIEK17 9/20/2011 10:11PM

    We all have those moments when we have to make the decision to make ourselves proud or give in to the temptation to digress. YOU inspire me. Thank you for sharing your journey here so that I don’t feel so alone with this struggle.

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SAMMYSWEETPEA 9/20/2011 10:10PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

We're so proud of you!

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LITTLEONEJLC 9/20/2011 10:07PM

    Yeah Ashley! emoticon

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LORETTA24 9/20/2011 9:44PM

    emoticon Way to go! I am not only proud of you but am imspired to go back to the gym myself. Thank you for sharing. Stay safe, find the joy in your day and keep smiling sunshine. emoticon

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MOMASAURUS 9/20/2011 9:31PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PGNBRI 9/20/2011 9:17PM

    emoticon

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HIPPICHICK1 9/20/2011 9:05PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TAKINBACKMYBODY 9/20/2011 8:52PM

    Good for you - glad you got right back in there and went for it!!! emoticon

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ALWAYSCHANGING 9/20/2011 8:49PM

    You frigging rock!!!! Way to set those self doubts and fear aside and to put on your big girl SUPERWOMAN Cape and get it in. It's hard to return to the gym after roadblocks, injuries etc get in our way. I admire that you did it.

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JSPIN74 9/20/2011 8:14PM

    emoticon emoticon

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SYZYGY922 9/20/2011 8:04PM

    Glad you're back at it! emoticon

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MELLYBEANS0919 9/20/2011 8:01PM

    Congrats Ashley!!

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R0SYJ3WL 9/20/2011 7:53PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

You GO GIRL!!

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NETTIEDEE 9/20/2011 7:48PM

    I am so proud of you!

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DOITBECKY 9/20/2011 7:32PM

    emoticon

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ELLIE-1220 9/20/2011 7:09PM

    That's awesome! You did well! If we conquer each of those moments one at time, and find the courage to keep moving forward then we will inevitably succeed. You succeeded today. I wish greatness continues in your life!

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KJDOESLIFE 9/20/2011 7:05PM

    Great job!

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RONOSOF 9/20/2011 6:59PM

    great job super star!

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BADASSBLONDIE 9/20/2011 6:58PM

    YOU ARE A TOTAL BADASS!!!! WOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!

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COOKWITHME65 9/20/2011 6:57PM

    emoticon Ashley! You are in control of your own destination.

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LUVDOGZ 9/20/2011 6:57PM

    Way to go Ashley! You are emoticongirl! I love how we can help each other, even when we aren't actually there!

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Am I happy?

Sunday, September 18, 2011

This is a question I have been pondering all week. What is happy? Well my definition anyway. I have been in a funk since vacation feeling like I am in a holding pattern. Waiting for surgery, waiting for when I could get back to weight loss and working out. These are the conclusions I have come too.

I am in the best relationship I have ever been had in my life. He supports me, we communicate well, we fight fair and end disagreements quickly and we share a deep love that is the kind people make movies about. Yes, I know how lucky I am to have this and believe me I do have to work at it but having been divorced I have learned a great deal about it.

Work is in a good place. I made 2 huge sales this week and I am finding joy in what I do right now. One of my bosses is becoming essentially a silent partner due to health issues and unfortunately he was the one I really enjoyed working with. At first I questioned if I should look for a new job but I decided to see it through after discussing it with some friends I have in the business world. Work can be what I make it and I am not going to give up every time something gets hard.

I am making an effort to be more kind and supportive with my friends. I am sensitive and loyal but if someone upsets me or betrays me I cut them out and never look back. I hold others and myself to impossible standards and always end up disappointed. Because of this I have decided to cut others and myself some slack and accept people for as they are and whom they choose to be. This weekend I am going to a girls only party and I am excited. It has been a long time since I have done that and I think I need to spend more time with other people and not at home being lonely and eating.

Cutting myself some slack. I am a Type-A personality. I always have been. That is why I am good at my job. I see the details and hold people to very high standards. Problem is that doesn't always translate to a happy life overall. Learning to set reasonable goals and celebrating milestones is how I will be successful. Tomorrow is my follow up and hopefully my ok to return to the gym. I am exited and nervous at the same time. It has been 3 weeks since I could work out which means all the work I did is gone and I have to start over. I miss my muscle definition and am looking forward to losing weight again.

Weighing myself has always been a vice of mine and I decided to stop doing it so frequently. I am thinking of limiting myself to the first and 15th of the month and using NS things like clothes size to keep motivated. Fluctuations mess with my mind too much.

Why do I eat? Stress, boredom, addiction, loneliness and anger. Wow that is a long list. I have a hard time being restrictive with what I eat so I have decided to be very strict with my portion control. I can graze all day but have decided to make a food plan for the day, measure portions and follow it. Period. The most weight I lost was following this kind of plan and I am so ready to lose and look the way I want to look. Its not about a number. It is about a feeling.

Take care of my appearance for myself. I love clothes, makeup, fashion but as I mentioned in my last blog I don't feel attractive so I feel like a fraud. Saturday we went to buy my honey a suit and I threw on an old hoodie as it has become really cold here this past week. I caught my reflection in a mirror and I looked awful. Big bags under my eyes, stringy hair and wearing the same old outfit I used to wear when I was really big. Instead of beating myself up I took it as an opportunity to self reflect and I realized when I take the time to take care of my appearance it makes me feel the best and that spills over into all aspects of my life. It is not even about anyone else it is just about making myself happy and that was the key I was missing. Just doing things for me. My whole life I tried to make me people like me. I felt like I had to behave a certain way and overdo things for other people to win them over when really if I had just been myself and worried about taking care of me I would have been happy.
This is about putting me and my needs first and doing the things that make me feel good about myself. I am talented, creative, articulate and yes, sometimes even beautiful and I appreciate me.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANHBH 9/22/2011 3:56PM

    Ash, you are TOTALLY beautiful!
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PELESJEWEL 9/19/2011 8:47PM

    Awesome insights Ashley. Keep working your plan, slow & steady!

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2BEHEALTHYAGAIN 9/19/2011 4:57PM

    Lots of thinking here. Sounds like you have an idea of what you need to work on, and a plan to do it. We are usually our own worst enemy.

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BELLALUCIA 9/19/2011 2:47PM

    Keep achieving your dreams honey!

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SEESTARS 9/19/2011 1:57PM

    I loved this blog! You and I are so alike. It was like you were reading my mind and putting it all on the page. I have to portion all my food, focus on being more forgiving with myself and friends, and dress well to make myself feel good about the way I look now. And I totally hear you about the job. When I'm positive about it, i can make it great. But lately I've been in a funk and just hating it. Boo!

Thanks for this amazing blog. You drive things home as usual.

Keep at it and enjoy the NE fall weather.
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ERIN4771 9/19/2011 7:47AM

    i read this last night, but needed some time to reflect on it, mostly because so much of what you said really hit home with me...i tend to run when things get tough, i am a type "a" personality, an hold myself and others to impossibly high standards...i tend to also not give people a second chance when they mess up, or hurt me...it's easy to go back in to the same routines, wearing the same frumpy clothes, because it's safer than putting ourselves out there...but, sometimes we need to do just that....we all deserve to be happy, and we all have different definitions of what that entails...you have an awesome fiance, a job you are excellent at and love(with the occasional icky day here and there) a healthier relationship with yourself and food and are constantly learning new things about yourself, and i think that's pretty cool chica....so, keep remembering just that....you deserve to be happy emoticon

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PJH2028 9/19/2011 7:41AM

    I love your clarity. Relate to so much you say here. You do sound centered, and
ready .... to take these subtle actions
ready .... (to be) and happy


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PGNBRI 9/18/2011 11:20PM

    You deserve to be happy and well cared for. And who better to take care of you than you!

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FINALLYBEINGME 9/18/2011 10:18PM

    This spoke to me because I'm learning to let go of control and those high expectations of other people as well since no one is perfect..glad you're focusing on putting your needs first. You're definitely worth it! emoticon

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MELLYBEANS0919 9/18/2011 8:32PM

    Good for you realizing you need to take care of you, and do what makes you happy and feel good.

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JENBELLE13 9/18/2011 7:54PM

    You are so right on so many levels. We've all been there and like KAMAPERRY said, you've got to take care of YOU and create your own happiness. You are definitely on the right track and stopping to evaluate every aspect is key to making what you want happen.

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KAMAPERRY 9/18/2011 7:29PM

    You sound like I was. You deserve to feel good about how you look! Throw that hoodie away! Take care of YOU, no one can do it better than you.

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Facing low self-esteem

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

There is never a day I wake up and feel beautiful or special. Ever. Having a hot fiancé doesn't help. Deep down having someone that attractive want me made me feel special but it did and still does make me feel inferior. That people look a me like how could he want her. I love clothes and fashion but have rarely made any effort because it is like lipstick on a pig. That I look like a fool because none of my adornment makes me look better. Nothing. No matter how positive I try to be it always feels like swimming against the current. Please do not tell me it is ok, and chin up etc. I am not fishing for insincere compliments that I am pretty. This is about getting how the truth. The root of why I don't take care of myself the way I want too. The root of why I dated men who abused me and used me and hit me and cheated on me. Because I didn't then and I don't now feel I am interesting or have value. I wish turning that smile upside down made it better but it just doesn't. I know how it all started but I wish I could just feel better and then I wouldn't have this compulsion to eat. I wish I could look at him and not feel like this amazing man who loves me and thinks I am beautiful is just delusional and he will figure out that I am a fraud and leave me.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANHBH 9/22/2011 4:00PM

    Ash,

I love your gut honesty. You have hit the nail on the head - it's not what we're eating, it's what is eating us that makes us overeat.

I'm reading your blogs backwards, so I know that you are feeling better now. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please know that you are loved by so many people - including me!
emoticon emoticon

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BELLALUCIA 9/19/2011 2:39PM

    I feel for u!

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MOONBIRD 9/16/2011 5:22PM

    I can relate to this, and have often felt the same way. I know people have wondered how my husband could stand me at over 300 pounds. I did not feel loved as a child and I think that has a lot to do with how I've lived my life. I think the farther we get into this journey, the more we discover ourselves and who we really are meant to be. HUGS, and I know you said not to compliment you, but I have seen your photos, and you are pretty!

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ALOFA0509 9/16/2011 8:12AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon...........

Let's eat some sushi and draw Stretch Marks on all the Top Models of Fashion Week.. emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/16/2011 8:13:06 AM

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DUSTYGIRL25 9/16/2011 2:42AM

    He loves you for your Heart and Soul. The outer package is just a cover for the inner workings. Who you really are is what he is attracted to, your sense of humor, your smart brain, your accomplishments, your wonderful personality and so much more.
You do deserve your perfect fiance, you deserve him and you deserve to have a fantastic life with him. He loves YOU!
Men are pretty simple and don't require a lot. Just love him back, thats all he wants.
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NMK1980 9/15/2011 9:55PM

    I understand and am going through the same thing currently. Like your guy, my husband is loving and supportive and sincere.. just plain awesome. I have these inner-demons that are always wispering to me, saying that I don't deserve him.. that I'm fat and ugly and that its only a matter of time before he leaves me for someone... that other people must wonder why he is with me b/c he's hot and I'm fat w/thinning hair and sometimes shy to the point of social awkwardness. Its really hard telling those voices to shut the eff up. There are days they get the better of us. xoxo

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COOKWITHME65 9/15/2011 5:13PM

    I feel your pain. emoticon

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ROCKMAN6797 9/15/2011 1:49PM

    I agree with ERIN4771's post. Her statement is so very true, at least from the male point of view!
Nevertheless, this blog must have been terribly difficult to write. Kudos to you for broaching this sensitive subject.

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JENS_MISSION 9/15/2011 11:35AM

    I have felt this way also. It's hard to come to grips with feeling more 'pretty' about yourself. There may come a time that you buy a new outfit or something that makes you feel better... or maybe a new hairstyle? All that matters is that he was obviously attracted to you in ways that you don't see it!

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JELLEN726 9/15/2011 10:09AM

    The only thing I can say is fake it till you make it and never downgrade all the progress you have made. Take pride in the pounds lost and changes you have made. Remember how you struggled when first starting this journey and thought you would never make it past losing 5 lbs but have no past that mark.

There are millions of people who feel insecure but act like they are the hottest things. Sometimes it helps to fake the confidence until you get it. You will get there.


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*~*MICHELLE*~* 9/15/2011 9:56AM

    emoticon

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CHICAT63 9/15/2011 8:40AM

    Ah, Ashley you are not alone. Myself, until I meet my hubby I had non-functional relationships dang, abused in many ways not physically but I was taken advantage of in several ways. I can understand how you question yourself "Having a hot fiancé doesn't help" I agree with the others, you fiancé has chosen YOU because of who YOU are:). I can tell you from experience, you will gain more self-esteem with time:)

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IMIN2GENES 9/15/2011 8:23AM

    Ashley, I admit, I haven't known you as long as some people here; but you are not a fraud. You are one of the most honest people I've seen. You are so open and honest. Not too many people are. You share your highs and your lows and let us celebrate with you or support you when you need it. As far as I'm concerned, that makes you beautiful! You are TOTALLY worth it, warts, beauty and all.
Chris

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RONIREDD 9/15/2011 8:08AM

    When I start to feel like this, I remind myself ... that the "names" I call myself and the things I say to myself ... I would NEVER say to anyone else. So, why say them to myself?

Did that make any sense?!

Oooohh - BTW, I don't give insincere compliments! :-)

Comment edited on: 9/15/2011 8:09:49 AM

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BTRTHANEVA 9/15/2011 7:42AM

    1466 SP friends can't be wrong, Ashley.

You have changed SO MUCH since joining SP. But that doesn't mean that occasional bouts of insecurity and low self esteem don't flair up and bring you (us) back to times when we didn't have the tools to face them. The important thing is not to stay there too long when they do appear.

Your fiance isn't with you because of your looks. He is with you because of the person you are ~ insecurities and all. You have touched so many people with your honesty and keeping it real attitude, your moments of triumph and your moments of self doubt. It's your humanity that resonates and touches everyone.

Thank you for being YOU!
{{hugs}}

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ERIN4771 9/15/2011 7:30AM

    my husband pointed out something a while back, that's stuck with me: when i start to put myself down, call myself fat, or stupid or worthless, he points out that it really hurts him, i had to ask why, and he said it;s because then i am questioning his choice of why he wants to be with me...and since i pretty much trust his judgement 100%, it made no sense for for me to continue down the path of self destruction....your fiance loves you my friend, he sees something in you that he wants to be around the rest of his life, and since i know you feel the same about him, why are you questioning why he would want to be with you? it's easy to get down on ourselves, and 'm not here to blow sunshine up you *ss and tell you i am always happy with myself, but, we have good and bad days, and eventually the good ones tend to overtake the bad ones.....you are not a fraud my friend...and i definitely do not see lipstick on a pig emoticon

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FINALLYBEINGME 9/15/2011 6:00AM

    Self-esteem can be present even at times when we don't necessarily look perfect. I've been down on myself when I was much lighter and felt more confident than I've ever felt on some days when I looked my worst and it was all because of what I did/who I was/how I handled life that day. I think that by comparing yourself to your fiance, you're giving your power away. Who you are is beautiful, not just who you see in the mirror. Your fiance sees the real you and sees your beauty no matter what you look like on a given day. Don't give your power away to the mirror, to comparisons to other people..to anything. Not to be "cliched" but you are worth people treating you well. emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/15/2011 6:09:27 AM

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KATHLOW 9/15/2011 4:33AM

    I know how that feel, I've had these exact thoughts millions of times.

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DSJB9999 9/15/2011 2:41AM

    emoticon

You are SO worth it! Donna x

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PGNBRI 9/15/2011 12:28AM

    emoticon
As you can tell, you're not alone in this. I wish I could give you the magic formula to fix the problem, but I can't. I don't have perfect self-esteem, but I have learned to love myself more often than not. And its made all the difference. But I'm not sure I could pinpoint what changed. All I know is that it did and I'm grateful. I have faith that you'll get there too.

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KAMAPERRY 9/14/2011 11:54PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon I can so relate.

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MELLYBEANS0919 9/14/2011 11:42PM

    emoticon It makes me sad to read those words. emoticon

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JTAMSYN 9/14/2011 11:24PM

    I wish I could offer you the perfect solution. I've struggled with this my whole life. Never thought that a guy would like me, then never thought my husband would like me and now can't understand why he sticks with me when he's surrounded by beautiful women that are after him. But he does. And he does because he thinks I'm beautiful. And he kindly reminds me often, hoping that one day I will believe him. I want to see what he sees. Its like I'm looking at myself through a carnival mirror, that distorts everything. But he keeps trying to show me the real me, the person that he sees. We need to stop fighting the people we love and learn to see the "real us", what they see instead of through our distorted eyes.
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BRIAEL 9/14/2011 10:28PM

    It's odd how other people view us differently to the perception we have of ourselves.

If you sat your fiance down and asked him why he loves you, I bet you would think "I wonder why you see that and I don't" and you would think that he was being dishonest because his values differ from yours.

It's hard to break away from negative self worth, but look for the beauty that is exclusively YOU. You are a beautiful, kind, sincere woman who IS worthy of her man. The outside shell doesn't mean much to someone who sees your soul and I bet everyone here could tell you that they know a beautiful exterior with a rotten soul. :)

Women are notoriously hard on themselves for not meeting the societal "beauty" standard, but when you break it down, what IS that beauty all about? It's a small cross section of society's people who are trying to sell you something, it's certainly not the majority.

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GRACEISENUF 9/14/2011 10:20PM

    I used to pick the same kind of men for the same kind of reasons but then my hubby came into my life 22 years ago and showed me real love and respect. Over the years my spirit has healed and it sure didn't happen right away.

I hope the best for you Ashley.

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SCHENPOSSIBLE 9/14/2011 9:53PM

    You're worth having a hot fiance and you're absolutely worth looking fabulous and feeling sexy. Your body is a mansion and right now, you're working on its curb appeal. emoticon

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HEALTHYASHLEY 9/14/2011 9:49PM

    A hug is exactly the right answer. Thank you.

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LITTLEONEJLC 9/14/2011 9:46PM

    You know, I think I kind of know how you feel, because sometimes I think that people look at me and think, "So you lost weight, but it doesn't change your face. You're still ugly." It's hard to even write that. :-( And it's not exactly what you are facing, but it is a low self-esteem issue. I don't really KNOW that ANYBODY is thinking that, but I let those thoughts creep in. I don't really have a solution, I just wanted to tell you you're not alone.

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UHYEAHABOUTTHAT 9/14/2011 9:24PM

    emoticon
I'm not sure what to say ...but thought I'd at the very least send a hug your way.


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Being the person I want to be and new boot pics!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

When I started on SP I think the biggest lesson I learned was that I needed to live the life I want to have, not live waiting to have that life when I was thin. Once I started living for myself in the moment I became a happier and more confident person. I began living the as the healthy person I wanted to be. Following through on the things I needed to do to be that person made me feel good about myself. Then I had a string of difficult times this past year that derailed me and I let them be excuses. I kept telling myself "when things get better" "when I get past this" and then more and more time would pass.
Today I decided no more excuses. Time to start living the life I want to live again. It actually took this pair of boots to have one of those aha moments that kick you in the butt and change perspective.
My fiance bought them for me as a gift because he was so happy to see me start to care again and they are a symbol of getting back to basics and doing things that make me feel good about me.

It is pretty hard to take a picture of myself wearing a pair of boots but I think it came out pretty good. A stranger came up to me when I was trying them on and said to me "you have to buy those boots, they look amazing on you." It is rare I think when things fit that well and interestingly enough I had spent the whole morning looking at boots online and saw nothing I was super excited about. I tried on 4 pairs at this store and they were all too big but these fit perfect. It feels strange to be an inbetween size but I am no longer a wide shoe anymore but I have a larger calf so sometimes wide calf boots fit and sometimes they are too big.
I had stopped caring about my appearance anymore and that is a big part of my self esteem. When I get up and take pride in my appearance I feel good all the time and it spills over into all aspects of what I do. I work out more, I make better food choices, my relationship is better, work is better. When I got divorced I ate, drank and shopped constantly. I blew the downpayment on a house in probably a year on nothing. Sure I have a closet full of coach bags but nothing else is left from that time and it was an embarrassing period for me. I realized I was trying to fill my self esteem with stuff and shiny new pretty clothes and bags made me feel good for a few minutes. Since that time I have gone the other way and almost refuse to buy myself anything nice and it isn't a healthy mindset either. I can't fix my past mistakes by denying myself things now. It isn't wrong to buy a new pair of boots. It is when that is all I did that it became a bad thing.
I decided today to get back to taking care of me. To nurture friendships instead of cutting people out of my life everytime they hurt me once. To stop expecting people to read my mind and ask for help when I need it. To start taking pride in my appearance again and buy a few good quality items instead of only buying 15 sweaters out of necessity that look like crap after 3 washes. When I look good, I feel good and I show others l feel good about myself as well.
The doctor told me I can back to working out next week and I am excited about it. I didn't realize being told I couldn't work out would make me so eager to do so! Eating right and living healthy made me be the person I want to be and I am going to continue to live this way. Thank you for all for your support. Healthyashley is back. Woot!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PELESJEWEL 9/19/2011 8:45PM

    Very cool boots! emoticon

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MRSBERTA_69 9/17/2011 5:57PM

    Awesome boots!!!

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 9/14/2011 6:17PM

    Love the boots!

Welcome back!

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SCHENPOSSIBLE 9/14/2011 12:05AM

    good for you!

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SDM0618 9/13/2011 11:30PM

    Love love love your boots!!!! emoticon

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TUBLADY 9/13/2011 10:34PM

    They are great looking boots and I bet you look absolutely fabulous in them.
And YES, Colombian men are special.
Check out my photo page and see some of the great buys I made in boots and other things at the favorite store of mine, GW.
I am going to post a whole blog showing outfits and the looks you can create with a little money and good style and dress like you just walked out of the priciest store..
Hope you are having a great week.
Tisha emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/13/2011 10:35:18 PM

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SEESTARS 9/13/2011 4:39PM

    Wicked sweet boots. Glad to hear you are back in action and taking care of #1.

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BEMILLER30 9/13/2011 4:15PM

    Wow several things you said described how i've been feeling this year. Derailed and using things as an excuse not to do better. AND you said it right in your first line "live the life you want to live" Thanks for sharing this. I'm glad you are doing better and feeling better and getting back to healthyashley. You are rocking those boots!!!

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PHEFEY 9/13/2011 1:39PM

    and your excitment is contagious!

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LOSING107 9/13/2011 12:41PM

    Good for you! And love the boots!

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IMIN2GENES 9/13/2011 9:17AM

    So glad to hear that you're back and at it! You've got such a great attitude and your blog just fanned my flame. Now there's no way I'm going to short myself on a workout tonight!

Those boots... AWESOME! I can picture you strutting your stuff in them. It's amazing how some nice, well fitting shoes or clothing can completely change your attitude. Rock on Ashley!
Chris

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WORKINGSTIFF 9/13/2011 9:12AM

    Hot Looking Boots!

I have the same issue-big calves. It makes the whole boot search even harder...but I have prevailed!

Hooray for you, Ashley! You are one inspirational woman.

H.

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TRAVELINGIRL68 9/13/2011 8:36AM

    Those boots are awesome, I have been looking for a good pair myself, and they are hard to come by in this in-between phase!

Even more importantly, I am so happy to hear that you are back on track for yourself. I really do believe this process of life takes a lot of steps forward, then some time derailing (sometimes multiple series of this!) to find out what works for us and how to create balance.

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 9/12/2011 10:42PM

    Sweet boots! I'm glad you're wanting to care again. I know how hard it is to want to trudge forward when you feel like the path is throwing road blocks in your way. Let your beauty shine!

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ROCKMAN6797 9/12/2011 10:33PM

    Very nice boots!

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JACKIESJ 9/12/2011 4:43PM

    Ashley, I'm sitting here after having read this blog 3 times wondering how you are so wise at your age. Compliment to you! That you're able to understand yourself so well and verbally put it on paper is amazing. The things you write about make me stop and think twice about myself. You are truly an inspiration! Hugs.

btw, the boots rock!

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JESSIHOVER1 9/12/2011 2:34PM

    Those boots are KILLER! Keep up the positive attitude, it will take you where ever you want to go!!

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BELLALUCIA 9/12/2011 1:41PM

    Nice boots! Rock on!

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MELLYBEANS0919 9/12/2011 1:11PM

    Fabulous boots!! So happy you are feeling good and you can workout next week!

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ERIKA05 9/12/2011 12:06PM

    Ooooh, my husband bought me a gorgeous pair of boots once, and I think it remains one of my favourite-ever gifts, including the sparkler on my ring finger.
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There's something pretty awesome about a guy who knows that sometimes, you just need some hot freakin' shoes, and understands all that they can represent.

Wear them in good health and good heart!
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ERIN4771 9/12/2011 12:06PM

    i was just blogging about needing some new kick *ss boots...and here you found them!! love it!! i related to a lot of things you mentioned in your blog...after divorcing i drank too much, but i also over exercised and didn;t eat very much...not a good combo...and along the way i sort of gave up on things, using the when i am thinner, or prettier or whatever....before i got back on the horse for myself....glad you are feeling better my friend!! and it;s true, those boots look awesome!!

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CYNDERROSE 9/12/2011 10:06AM

    I love those boots!

And I'm glad your health is doing so much better.

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KATHLOW 9/12/2011 6:59AM

    great boots! and I am happy for you...I take it the procedure went well?
I had to smile when I imagined you contorting to take that shot of your boots :-)

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NANHBH 9/11/2011 11:42PM

    So glad that HealthyAshley is back! And that you are ROCKIN' those boots!
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SWAYDE 9/11/2011 10:17PM

    Love the boots! They are sexy =)

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FIZZYBALL 9/11/2011 9:26PM

    emoticon. Cute boots.

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NELLBELLA26 9/11/2011 9:25PM

    WOOHOO! Clearance to workout again and NEW boots for the fall. Sounds like a good day. Those boots are HOT!!!! Amazing fit and style.



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TAKINBACKMYBODY 9/11/2011 8:49PM

    Love the boots - wear em proudly -you've put a lot of work into your new lifestyle!! emoticon

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MRS.CARLY 9/11/2011 8:34PM

    Glad to hear you are taking care of yourself again and caring about how you look and feel. Work them boots girl!

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OJIBWEEQUAY 9/11/2011 8:27PM

    Dang those boots are fo shizzle!!! Go you Ash!!! I am with you all the way! emoticon

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HOPE2011 9/11/2011 8:10PM

    Yea for taking care of you again! And those boots are AMAZING!!! emoticon

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 9/11/2011 8:00PM

    Ashley's back! LOVE the boots!

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LITTLEONEJLC 9/11/2011 7:20PM

    Yeah, you're back. I can feel it! And what CUTE boots!!

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RONIREDD 9/11/2011 7:13PM

    I could have written this blog .... Thank you ...

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JTAMSYN 9/11/2011 7:04PM

    I'm so happy for you. Your new found joy and motivation is shinning through this blog. What a beautiful compliment to get from a total stranger! And they were right, they look great on you! The added bonus is that they were the kick in the butt that you needed. It so easy to try to ignore or drown out our pain with food and things. But true happiness comes from learning to love yourself and take care of yourself. Keep up the good work! Enjoy the workouts and the boots (not at the same time) !
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Comment edited on: 9/11/2011 7:05:08 PM

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COOKWITHME65 9/11/2011 6:47PM

    Love the boots and your attitude!

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CHICAT63 9/11/2011 6:24PM

    Oh, yeah love those boots...they are made for walking:). Woohoo, lots to come and it's all good.

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PGNBRI 9/11/2011 6:12PM

    Woohoo! Yay for healthy shifts in mindset!
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CARILOUIE 9/11/2011 6:12PM

    I'm loving those boots!

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SYZYGY922 9/11/2011 6:05PM

    Those are some sexy, sexy boots. So glad you can get back to working out next week, too. Yay!

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FINALLYBEINGME 9/11/2011 6:02PM

    Those boots look awesome on! I like your thought about living the life you want now - I've been *trying* to do the same (its easy to fall back into the mode of I'll do this when..) Glad you're back :)! emoticon

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KAMAPERRY 9/11/2011 5:45PM

    Love the boots! And I think you are awesome!

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