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Facing low self-esteem

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

There is never a day I wake up and feel beautiful or special. Ever. Having a hot fiancÚ doesn't help. Deep down having someone that attractive want me made me feel special but it did and still does make me feel inferior. That people look a me like how could he want her. I love clothes and fashion but have rarely made any effort because it is like lipstick on a pig. That I look like a fool because none of my adornment makes me look better. Nothing. No matter how positive I try to be it always feels like swimming against the current. Please do not tell me it is ok, and chin up etc. I am not fishing for insincere compliments that I am pretty. This is about getting how the truth. The root of why I don't take care of myself the way I want too. The root of why I dated men who abused me and used me and hit me and cheated on me. Because I didn't then and I don't now feel I am interesting or have value. I wish turning that smile upside down made it better but it just doesn't. I know how it all started but I wish I could just feel better and then I wouldn't have this compulsion to eat. I wish I could look at him and not feel like this amazing man who loves me and thinks I am beautiful is just delusional and he will figure out that I am a fraud and leave me.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANHBH 9/22/2011 4:00PM

    Ash,

I love your gut honesty. You have hit the nail on the head - it's not what we're eating, it's what is eating us that makes us overeat.

I'm reading your blogs backwards, so I know that you are feeling better now. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please know that you are loved by so many people - including me!
emoticon emoticon

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BELLALUCIA 9/19/2011 2:39PM

    I feel for u!

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MOONBIRD 9/16/2011 5:22PM

    I can relate to this, and have often felt the same way. I know people have wondered how my husband could stand me at over 300 pounds. I did not feel loved as a child and I think that has a lot to do with how I've lived my life. I think the farther we get into this journey, the more we discover ourselves and who we really are meant to be. HUGS, and I know you said not to compliment you, but I have seen your photos, and you are pretty!

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ALOFA0509 9/16/2011 8:12AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon...........

Let's eat some sushi and draw Stretch Marks on all the Top Models of Fashion Week.. emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/16/2011 8:13:06 AM

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DUSTYGIRL25 9/16/2011 2:42AM

    He loves you for your Heart and Soul. The outer package is just a cover for the inner workings. Who you really are is what he is attracted to, your sense of humor, your smart brain, your accomplishments, your wonderful personality and so much more.
You do deserve your perfect fiance, you deserve him and you deserve to have a fantastic life with him. He loves YOU!
Men are pretty simple and don't require a lot. Just love him back, thats all he wants.
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NMK1980 9/15/2011 9:55PM

    I understand and am going through the same thing currently. Like your guy, my husband is loving and supportive and sincere.. just plain awesome. I have these inner-demons that are always wispering to me, saying that I don't deserve him.. that I'm fat and ugly and that its only a matter of time before he leaves me for someone... that other people must wonder why he is with me b/c he's hot and I'm fat w/thinning hair and sometimes shy to the point of social awkwardness. Its really hard telling those voices to shut the eff up. There are days they get the better of us. xoxo

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COOKWITHME65 9/15/2011 5:13PM

    I feel your pain. emoticon

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ROCKMAN6797 9/15/2011 1:49PM

    I agree with ERIN4771's post. Her statement is so very true, at least from the male point of view!
Nevertheless, this blog must have been terribly difficult to write. Kudos to you for broaching this sensitive subject.

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JENS_MISSION 9/15/2011 11:35AM

    I have felt this way also. It's hard to come to grips with feeling more 'pretty' about yourself. There may come a time that you buy a new outfit or something that makes you feel better... or maybe a new hairstyle? All that matters is that he was obviously attracted to you in ways that you don't see it!

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JELLEN726 9/15/2011 10:09AM

    The only thing I can say is fake it till you make it and never downgrade all the progress you have made. Take pride in the pounds lost and changes you have made. Remember how you struggled when first starting this journey and thought you would never make it past losing 5 lbs but have no past that mark.

There are millions of people who feel insecure but act like they are the hottest things. Sometimes it helps to fake the confidence until you get it. You will get there.


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*~*MICHELLE*~* 9/15/2011 9:56AM

    emoticon

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CHICAT63 9/15/2011 8:40AM

    Ah, Ashley you are not alone. Myself, until I meet my hubby I had non-functional relationships dang, abused in many ways not physically but I was taken advantage of in several ways. I can understand how you question yourself "Having a hot fiancÚ doesn't help" I agree with the others, you fiancÚ has chosen YOU because of who YOU are:). I can tell you from experience, you will gain more self-esteem with time:)

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IMIN2GENES 9/15/2011 8:23AM

    Ashley, I admit, I haven't known you as long as some people here; but you are not a fraud. You are one of the most honest people I've seen. You are so open and honest. Not too many people are. You share your highs and your lows and let us celebrate with you or support you when you need it. As far as I'm concerned, that makes you beautiful! You are TOTALLY worth it, warts, beauty and all.
Chris

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RONIREDD 9/15/2011 8:08AM

    When I start to feel like this, I remind myself ... that the "names" I call myself and the things I say to myself ... I would NEVER say to anyone else. So, why say them to myself?

Did that make any sense?!

Oooohh - BTW, I don't give insincere compliments! :-)

Comment edited on: 9/15/2011 8:09:49 AM

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BTRTHANEVA 9/15/2011 7:42AM

    1466 SP friends can't be wrong, Ashley.

You have changed SO MUCH since joining SP. But that doesn't mean that occasional bouts of insecurity and low self esteem don't flair up and bring you (us) back to times when we didn't have the tools to face them. The important thing is not to stay there too long when they do appear.

Your fiance isn't with you because of your looks. He is with you because of the person you are ~ insecurities and all. You have touched so many people with your honesty and keeping it real attitude, your moments of triumph and your moments of self doubt. It's your humanity that resonates and touches everyone.

Thank you for being YOU!
{{hugs}}

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ERIN4771 9/15/2011 7:30AM

    my husband pointed out something a while back, that's stuck with me: when i start to put myself down, call myself fat, or stupid or worthless, he points out that it really hurts him, i had to ask why, and he said it;s because then i am questioning his choice of why he wants to be with me...and since i pretty much trust his judgement 100%, it made no sense for for me to continue down the path of self destruction....your fiance loves you my friend, he sees something in you that he wants to be around the rest of his life, and since i know you feel the same about him, why are you questioning why he would want to be with you? it's easy to get down on ourselves, and 'm not here to blow sunshine up you *ss and tell you i am always happy with myself, but, we have good and bad days, and eventually the good ones tend to overtake the bad ones.....you are not a fraud my friend...and i definitely do not see lipstick on a pig emoticon

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FINALLYBEINGME 9/15/2011 6:00AM

    Self-esteem can be present even at times when we don't necessarily look perfect. I've been down on myself when I was much lighter and felt more confident than I've ever felt on some days when I looked my worst and it was all because of what I did/who I was/how I handled life that day. I think that by comparing yourself to your fiance, you're giving your power away. Who you are is beautiful, not just who you see in the mirror. Your fiance sees the real you and sees your beauty no matter what you look like on a given day. Don't give your power away to the mirror, to comparisons to other people..to anything. Not to be "cliched" but you are worth people treating you well. emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/15/2011 6:09:27 AM

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KATHLOW 9/15/2011 4:33AM

    I know how that feel, I've had these exact thoughts millions of times.

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DSJB9999 9/15/2011 2:41AM

    emoticon

You are SO worth it! Donna x

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PGNBRI 9/15/2011 12:28AM

    emoticon
As you can tell, you're not alone in this. I wish I could give you the magic formula to fix the problem, but I can't. I don't have perfect self-esteem, but I have learned to love myself more often than not. And its made all the difference. But I'm not sure I could pinpoint what changed. All I know is that it did and I'm grateful. I have faith that you'll get there too.

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KAMAPERRY 9/14/2011 11:54PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon I can so relate.

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MELLYBEANS0919 9/14/2011 11:42PM

    emoticon It makes me sad to read those words. emoticon

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JTAMSYN 9/14/2011 11:24PM

    I wish I could offer you the perfect solution. I've struggled with this my whole life. Never thought that a guy would like me, then never thought my husband would like me and now can't understand why he sticks with me when he's surrounded by beautiful women that are after him. But he does. And he does because he thinks I'm beautiful. And he kindly reminds me often, hoping that one day I will believe him. I want to see what he sees. Its like I'm looking at myself through a carnival mirror, that distorts everything. But he keeps trying to show me the real me, the person that he sees. We need to stop fighting the people we love and learn to see the "real us", what they see instead of through our distorted eyes.
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BRIAEL 9/14/2011 10:28PM

    It's odd how other people view us differently to the perception we have of ourselves.

If you sat your fiance down and asked him why he loves you, I bet you would think "I wonder why you see that and I don't" and you would think that he was being dishonest because his values differ from yours.

It's hard to break away from negative self worth, but look for the beauty that is exclusively YOU. You are a beautiful, kind, sincere woman who IS worthy of her man. The outside shell doesn't mean much to someone who sees your soul and I bet everyone here could tell you that they know a beautiful exterior with a rotten soul. :)

Women are notoriously hard on themselves for not meeting the societal "beauty" standard, but when you break it down, what IS that beauty all about? It's a small cross section of society's people who are trying to sell you something, it's certainly not the majority.

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GRACEISENUF 9/14/2011 10:20PM

    I used to pick the same kind of men for the same kind of reasons but then my hubby came into my life 22 years ago and showed me real love and respect. Over the years my spirit has healed and it sure didn't happen right away.

I hope the best for you Ashley.

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SCHENPOSSIBLE 9/14/2011 9:53PM

    You're worth having a hot fiance and you're absolutely worth looking fabulous and feeling sexy. Your body is a mansion and right now, you're working on its curb appeal. emoticon

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HEALTHYASHLEY 9/14/2011 9:49PM

    A hug is exactly the right answer. Thank you.

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LITTLEONEJLC 9/14/2011 9:46PM

    You know, I think I kind of know how you feel, because sometimes I think that people look at me and think, "So you lost weight, but it doesn't change your face. You're still ugly." It's hard to even write that. :-( And it's not exactly what you are facing, but it is a low self-esteem issue. I don't really KNOW that ANYBODY is thinking that, but I let those thoughts creep in. I don't really have a solution, I just wanted to tell you you're not alone.

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UHYEAHABOUTTHAT 9/14/2011 9:24PM

    emoticon
I'm not sure what to say ...but thought I'd at the very least send a hug your way.


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Being the person I want to be and new boot pics!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

When I started on SP I think the biggest lesson I learned was that I needed to live the life I want to have, not live waiting to have that life when I was thin. Once I started living for myself in the moment I became a happier and more confident person. I began living the as the healthy person I wanted to be. Following through on the things I needed to do to be that person made me feel good about myself. Then I had a string of difficult times this past year that derailed me and I let them be excuses. I kept telling myself "when things get better" "when I get past this" and then more and more time would pass.
Today I decided no more excuses. Time to start living the life I want to live again. It actually took this pair of boots to have one of those aha moments that kick you in the butt and change perspective.
My fiance bought them for me as a gift because he was so happy to see me start to care again and they are a symbol of getting back to basics and doing things that make me feel good about me.

It is pretty hard to take a picture of myself wearing a pair of boots but I think it came out pretty good. A stranger came up to me when I was trying them on and said to me "you have to buy those boots, they look amazing on you." It is rare I think when things fit that well and interestingly enough I had spent the whole morning looking at boots online and saw nothing I was super excited about. I tried on 4 pairs at this store and they were all too big but these fit perfect. It feels strange to be an inbetween size but I am no longer a wide shoe anymore but I have a larger calf so sometimes wide calf boots fit and sometimes they are too big.
I had stopped caring about my appearance anymore and that is a big part of my self esteem. When I get up and take pride in my appearance I feel good all the time and it spills over into all aspects of what I do. I work out more, I make better food choices, my relationship is better, work is better. When I got divorced I ate, drank and shopped constantly. I blew the downpayment on a house in probably a year on nothing. Sure I have a closet full of coach bags but nothing else is left from that time and it was an embarrassing period for me. I realized I was trying to fill my self esteem with stuff and shiny new pretty clothes and bags made me feel good for a few minutes. Since that time I have gone the other way and almost refuse to buy myself anything nice and it isn't a healthy mindset either. I can't fix my past mistakes by denying myself things now. It isn't wrong to buy a new pair of boots. It is when that is all I did that it became a bad thing.
I decided today to get back to taking care of me. To nurture friendships instead of cutting people out of my life everytime they hurt me once. To stop expecting people to read my mind and ask for help when I need it. To start taking pride in my appearance again and buy a few good quality items instead of only buying 15 sweaters out of necessity that look like crap after 3 washes. When I look good, I feel good and I show others l feel good about myself as well.
The doctor told me I can back to working out next week and I am excited about it. I didn't realize being told I couldn't work out would make me so eager to do so! Eating right and living healthy made me be the person I want to be and I am going to continue to live this way. Thank you for all for your support. Healthyashley is back. Woot!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PELESJEWEL 9/19/2011 8:45PM

    Very cool boots! emoticon

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MRSBERTA_69 9/17/2011 5:57PM

    Awesome boots!!!

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 9/14/2011 6:17PM

    Love the boots!

Welcome back!

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SCHENPOSSIBLE 9/14/2011 12:05AM

    good for you!

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SDM0618 9/13/2011 11:30PM

    Love love love your boots!!!! emoticon

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TUBLADY 9/13/2011 10:34PM

    They are great looking boots and I bet you look absolutely fabulous in them.
And YES, Colombian men are special.
Check out my photo page and see some of the great buys I made in boots and other things at the favorite store of mine, GW.
I am going to post a whole blog showing outfits and the looks you can create with a little money and good style and dress like you just walked out of the priciest store..
Hope you are having a great week.
Tisha emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/13/2011 10:35:18 PM

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SEESTARS 9/13/2011 4:39PM

    Wicked sweet boots. Glad to hear you are back in action and taking care of #1.

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BEMILLER30 9/13/2011 4:15PM

    Wow several things you said described how i've been feeling this year. Derailed and using things as an excuse not to do better. AND you said it right in your first line "live the life you want to live" Thanks for sharing this. I'm glad you are doing better and feeling better and getting back to healthyashley. You are rocking those boots!!!

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PHEFEY 9/13/2011 1:39PM

    and your excitment is contagious!

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LOSING107 9/13/2011 12:41PM

    Good for you! And love the boots!

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IMIN2GENES 9/13/2011 9:17AM

    So glad to hear that you're back and at it! You've got such a great attitude and your blog just fanned my flame. Now there's no way I'm going to short myself on a workout tonight!

Those boots... AWESOME! I can picture you strutting your stuff in them. It's amazing how some nice, well fitting shoes or clothing can completely change your attitude. Rock on Ashley!
Chris

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WORKINGSTIFF 9/13/2011 9:12AM

    Hot Looking Boots!

I have the same issue-big calves. It makes the whole boot search even harder...but I have prevailed!

Hooray for you, Ashley! You are one inspirational woman.

H.

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TRAVELINGIRL68 9/13/2011 8:36AM

    Those boots are awesome, I have been looking for a good pair myself, and they are hard to come by in this in-between phase!

Even more importantly, I am so happy to hear that you are back on track for yourself. I really do believe this process of life takes a lot of steps forward, then some time derailing (sometimes multiple series of this!) to find out what works for us and how to create balance.

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 9/12/2011 10:42PM

    Sweet boots! I'm glad you're wanting to care again. I know how hard it is to want to trudge forward when you feel like the path is throwing road blocks in your way. Let your beauty shine!

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ROCKMAN6797 9/12/2011 10:33PM

    Very nice boots!

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JACKIESJ 9/12/2011 4:43PM

    Ashley, I'm sitting here after having read this blog 3 times wondering how you are so wise at your age. Compliment to you! That you're able to understand yourself so well and verbally put it on paper is amazing. The things you write about make me stop and think twice about myself. You are truly an inspiration! Hugs.

btw, the boots rock!

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JESSIHOVER1 9/12/2011 2:34PM

    Those boots are KILLER! Keep up the positive attitude, it will take you where ever you want to go!!

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BELLALUCIA 9/12/2011 1:41PM

    Nice boots! Rock on!

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MELLYBEANS0919 9/12/2011 1:11PM

    Fabulous boots!! So happy you are feeling good and you can workout next week!

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ERIKA05 9/12/2011 12:06PM

    Ooooh, my husband bought me a gorgeous pair of boots once, and I think it remains one of my favourite-ever gifts, including the sparkler on my ring finger.
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There's something pretty awesome about a guy who knows that sometimes, you just need some hot freakin' shoes, and understands all that they can represent.

Wear them in good health and good heart!
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ERIN4771 9/12/2011 12:06PM

    i was just blogging about needing some new kick *ss boots...and here you found them!! love it!! i related to a lot of things you mentioned in your blog...after divorcing i drank too much, but i also over exercised and didn;t eat very much...not a good combo...and along the way i sort of gave up on things, using the when i am thinner, or prettier or whatever....before i got back on the horse for myself....glad you are feeling better my friend!! and it;s true, those boots look awesome!!

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CYNDERROSE 9/12/2011 10:06AM

    I love those boots!

And I'm glad your health is doing so much better.

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KATHLOW 9/12/2011 6:59AM

    great boots! and I am happy for you...I take it the procedure went well?
I had to smile when I imagined you contorting to take that shot of your boots :-)

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NANHBH 9/11/2011 11:42PM

    So glad that HealthyAshley is back! And that you are ROCKIN' those boots!
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SWAYDE 9/11/2011 10:17PM

    Love the boots! They are sexy =)

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FIZZYBALL 9/11/2011 9:26PM

    emoticon. Cute boots.

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NELLBELLA26 9/11/2011 9:25PM

    WOOHOO! Clearance to workout again and NEW boots for the fall. Sounds like a good day. Those boots are HOT!!!! Amazing fit and style.



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TAKINBACKMYBODY 9/11/2011 8:49PM

    Love the boots - wear em proudly -you've put a lot of work into your new lifestyle!! emoticon

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MRS.CARLY 9/11/2011 8:34PM

    Glad to hear you are taking care of yourself again and caring about how you look and feel. Work them boots girl!

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OJIBWEEQUAY 9/11/2011 8:27PM

    Dang those boots are fo shizzle!!! Go you Ash!!! I am with you all the way! emoticon

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HOPE2011 9/11/2011 8:10PM

    Yea for taking care of you again! And those boots are AMAZING!!! emoticon

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 9/11/2011 8:00PM

    Ashley's back! LOVE the boots!

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LITTLEONEJLC 9/11/2011 7:20PM

    Yeah, you're back. I can feel it! And what CUTE boots!!

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RONIREDD 9/11/2011 7:13PM

    I could have written this blog .... Thank you ...

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JTAMSYN 9/11/2011 7:04PM

    I'm so happy for you. Your new found joy and motivation is shinning through this blog. What a beautiful compliment to get from a total stranger! And they were right, they look great on you! The added bonus is that they were the kick in the butt that you needed. It so easy to try to ignore or drown out our pain with food and things. But true happiness comes from learning to love yourself and take care of yourself. Keep up the good work! Enjoy the workouts and the boots (not at the same time) !
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Comment edited on: 9/11/2011 7:05:08 PM

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COOKWITHME65 9/11/2011 6:47PM

    Love the boots and your attitude!

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CHICAT63 9/11/2011 6:24PM

    Oh, yeah love those boots...they are made for walking:). Woohoo, lots to come and it's all good.

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PGNBRI 9/11/2011 6:12PM

    Woohoo! Yay for healthy shifts in mindset!
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CARILOUIE 9/11/2011 6:12PM

    I'm loving those boots!

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SYZYGY922 9/11/2011 6:05PM

    Those are some sexy, sexy boots. So glad you can get back to working out next week, too. Yay!

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FINALLYBEINGME 9/11/2011 6:02PM

    Those boots look awesome on! I like your thought about living the life you want now - I've been *trying* to do the same (its easy to fall back into the mode of I'll do this when..) Glad you're back :)! emoticon

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KAMAPERRY 9/11/2011 5:45PM

    Love the boots! And I think you are awesome!

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Normal now and normal back then

Friday, September 02, 2011

Yesterday I heard the pop of a can of soda in my office and immediately thought. Who would be drinking a soda? Then I realized, I am one of the only people in the office who doesn't guzzle diet soda. I don't guzzle any soda for that matter. I have had one soda in the last year and it tasted so gross I couldn't even finish it. Apparently this revelation makes me "weird" to my coworkers. They stared at me mouths agape. "You don't drink soda?" "Really?" "Why?" "OMG I would die!" It surprised me that something so benign would elicit such a strong reaction. Truly I would like to see everyone eat healthy but food police make me nuts and I never ever talk to people about what they or I eat unless they ask me. It does happen to come up a lot since food is what we do but there is never any judgement on either side.
Last night I thought a lot about how my "normal" has changed so much in the last year. Yes, I still eat some things that people on here would freak out over. Donuts happen to be a favorite but they are very rare. I have never really been a packed food person. It has been more than 10 years since I purchased a frozen meal at the store. They just don't taste good to me, then or now. However now when I do buy prepared foods I spent a lot more time reading the labels and making the best choices. I always worry about sodium which was something I had never worried about. I look for items with the least number of additives and preservatives. There is even a local brand of ice cream that is cane sugar, cream and ginger. That is it. I consider myself lucky to really enjoy eating healthy and making informed choices. No one is perfect and I love me some baked goods which are one of the worst choices I can make but being conscious everyday of making better decisions is a habit now and it is something I am proud of. It is a choice what we put in our bodies and I am happy that I am taking control and accepting responsibility for my choices. I don't miss soda and as someone who drank 6 cans a day in college that is a pretty awesome change.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRACEISENUF 9/10/2011 4:36PM

    I don't drink the stuff either. Once I learned how bad it is for me, I gave it up. I recently read that diet soda drinkers have a 60% higher chance of having a stroke. As for the regular soda, the sugar content is enough to steer me clear of it.

emoticon for healthy choices.

Comment edited on: 9/10/2011 4:37:02 PM

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PINK-PEONY 9/10/2011 4:01PM

    You are so right about how 'normal' for most of us Sparkies just doesn't compute for most Americans. My girls' friends usually comment on the lack of snacks if they spend any time at our house before cleaning out the fruit, cheese sticks, veggies, hummus, or whatever else they are gnoshing on. Oh! And only water to drink? Seriously?!?

In the last year, I weaned myself from going out to eat most of the time to only one lunch and one dinner a week. Now, I usually have to just order grilled protein and salad...or broth-based soup...to avoid issues. Ugh! No wonder I was so unhealthy!

Don't forget exercise. For years I sat in my recliner, barely motivated to cook or vaccuum. Now I look forward to getting chores done so we can go play. Yes, you have a good point. I'm keeping my new normal, too.

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MONKEYSNUFFER 9/10/2011 2:58PM

    i wish I had the strength to give up soda. It's the hardest thing for me.

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BELLALUCIA 9/9/2011 3:42PM

    I like donuts too, but I'm gonna eeradicate them. I rarely eat cake nowadays and I don't drink soda, though I will have a diet drink once in a blue moon.

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CORDIA72 9/6/2011 8:45PM

    Baked goods are definitely my downfall too. Soda, not so much anymore but I like you also hate the food police at work watching every bite that I take. It's like get a life already and stop watching me!

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2BEHEALTHYAGAIN 9/6/2011 7:57PM

    You're doing an awesome job Ashley! Isn't it funny how foods/drinks that in the past we thought we couldn't live without now don't even taste good anymore? Those taste buds now like the finer foods of life!!

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JSPIN74 9/6/2011 1:30PM

    emoticon great changes :)

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 9/4/2011 11:17AM

    It is amazing what is normal now vs. then. I am proud of you!

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DEBBIE19580 9/4/2011 8:01AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NANHBH 9/4/2011 2:40AM

    It always amazes me when people don't believe that I don't drink soda. You are such a good example of making healthy choices. Keep up the good work!

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ALOFA0509 9/2/2011 11:31PM

   
A-men to healthy choices!!! Cheers 2U sista

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FINALLYBEINGME 9/2/2011 4:05PM

    Great changes - funny how that happens. I used to be a big diet soda drinker as well but have scaled way back. emoticon

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OJIBWEEQUAY 9/2/2011 2:45PM

    I like San Pel and beer! Only carbonated items I drink lol!!! Oh baked goods are my down fall!!

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ROCKMAN6797 9/2/2011 2:29PM

    Agreed Ashley!
I have been soda-free for the last 20 months! And I had a 2-litre bottle per day habit! Even though diet soda has 0 calories, I stick with my water. The benefits I have received are immense!
Be proud of the new "normal!"

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KAMAPERRY 9/2/2011 1:42PM

    I rarely have soda, only if I eat out, but that is rare. I get green tea when I can. Way to go, I know there is alot of what I used to eat, that I just don't care for anymore!

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MELLYBEANS0919 9/2/2011 12:43PM

    Great blog Ashley. Not drinking soda is a good thing. Good for you!

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PHEFEY 9/2/2011 11:50AM

    Great blog!
I haven't had pop since last Thanksgiving. I had a sip of Vitamin Water and literally choked it down. It was sickly sweet, and my friend couldn't believe I thought it was too sweet.
Anyway, good for you and have a great weekend!

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IMIN2GENES 9/2/2011 11:50AM

    Way to go Ashley! Way to go. Those are some pretty darn awesome changes!
Chris

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WORTHEYMOM 9/2/2011 11:25AM

    As a former Mt Dew addict, I totally hear this! I still indulge in a coke every once in a while, but NO mt dew - almost makes me sick to look at - at one point I was drinking 3 to 4 20 oz bottles a day! Moderation is my key to the coke - this might be an excuse but the husband LOVES his coke. BUT I haven't bought any in 2 weeks, so I think we are going to try to wean him from it! It will help all of us in the house! Keep up the super work Ashley! So glad you are feeling better!

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CYNDERROSE 9/2/2011 11:17AM

    I'm the same way. Most of my office lives off of canned beverages, yet I can't stand the tast of them. It was hard breaking the habit, and I know from past experience that its easy to get hooked again.

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ERIKA05 9/2/2011 11:05AM

    I love that you're lovin' the "new normal"!
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The Hus and I take flak all the time for not having pop and sugary juice/punch to offer guests when they come over, but it's just not something either of us have wanted to have in the house since we finished school and stopped living with roomates. His family in particular gets really irritated when they come over (unannouced) and there's no Coke. His aunt even suggested that we had a 'problem' when I told her that the options were water, milk, wine or scotch! Ummm, hello - It's not like we sub the last two for the soda we don't drink. It's just that it's water unless it's a special occasion, or I wanna feel like Don Draper. Obvs.
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Have an awesome weekend!

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 9/2/2011 11:03AM

    Very awesome change! I use to be a heavy soda drinker and I can't stand it now either.

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PGNBRI 9/2/2011 10:59AM

    I haven't had a single soda in over six years. And I frequently get those kind of reactions when people find out I don't drink it. I don't drink coffee either. Its like people think I'm some sort of freak of nature! I just laugh it off. :-)

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CHRISTINA791 9/2/2011 10:51AM

    Combo meals are my thing now. I still love the odd burger, and even fries if they're good enough to be worth it, but I've really broken the habit of ordering for 'value' and taking a big serving of fries and a tub of pop by default. In fact, I'm amazed at the size of portions and number of items people order without even thinking about it. People seem dismayed when you don't go for the value, as if you're somehow screwing yourself over by not spending an extra 31 cents for another 500 calories.

I've never been big on drinking anything but water, and it's amazing how many people think that's weird. On the other hand, I really can't see myself hydrating myself with syrup, sugar free or not, so guzzling litres of pop in a day is a concept I can't wrap my head around. I like an occasional locally brewed root beer, but it's more in the infrequent dessert category. And don't even get started on the reactions if you don't drink alcohol - no, I'm not a cheap drunk, recovering alcoholic, or religious nut. I just rarely find booze worth the calories.

Comment edited on: 9/2/2011 10:54:29 AM

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ERIN4771 9/2/2011 10:50AM

    i know what you mean..it;s the same reaction when i say i am a vegetarian...it's funny, but anyone can do anything if they put there mind to it, it just takes time to develop a habit...for the record, i don't think you are weird for not drinking soda...i think it;s pretty awesome you kicked that 6 can a day habit emoticon

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AMYMOHIO 9/2/2011 10:48AM

    People freak out that I don't drink soda too... My husband says he's so proud of that and that when I said I was going to stop, he thought "yeah right" and I never touched it since.

I donated blood and passed out and they gave me a Coke. It was so gross...I got like 2 swallows and threw it away.

It's been, well, I'm thinking like 4 years? :-)

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BECOMING_HOLLY 9/2/2011 10:37AM

    Awesome! I heard this fizz of a soda bottle and my first thought was "oh that would taste good right about now" but then I remembered how when I tried to taste soda again (even diet) the taste was just DISGUSTING to me! I totally feel you there. People can't and won't understand it unless they experience it themselves.

Thanks for sharing!

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I am angry

Sunday, August 28, 2011

I am angry that I finally got everything going in the right direction again and was being consistent and I am having it ripped out from under me. Again. It isn't right or fair. I am angry that have to go through all this. That I have to go to work and tell them I need to take time off. I hardly ever take personal time. I have not called in sick, ever, at this job. I pride myself on my dependability. Frankly I can't afford to take any more personal time unpaid because we are trying to save money but that is what I will have to do.
The only positive thing is seeing how my fiancÚ is supporting me 100%. How he is listening to my emotional rants and approaching this as our illness, not just mine. It has made me lose any doubts I have had about if I am doing the right thing or if I am with the right person. I knew he was the one but having had someone abuse me in the past I have serious SERIOUS trust issues with everyone and it has been a problem in our relationship. This experience has made me lose all my doubts about his sincerity or love for me.
Everything in life happens to us to teach us something and make us stronger. It isn't always what we want to happen but it is up to us to take the good or bad from it. Yes, I am angry but I will not let this beat me and as soon as possible I am going to be right back at it working out and living the way I want to live.

Thank you, all of you, for your amazing love and support. It has meant more to me that you all realize. Love you. Hugs

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BELLALUCIA 9/9/2011 3:37PM

    I'm glad you've found your life partner. What doesn't kill u only makes u stronger, a cliche but oh so true!

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MADEMCHE 9/6/2011 10:34PM

    You are such a strong person Ash, you and A will get through this, together!

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ERIN4771 9/2/2011 10:48AM

    having that support system is a great feeling, and yes, when you have had trust issues in the pat, can also be a bit scary, but, it sounds like you have a pretty amazing man, and i am happy he is there to support you when you need it most, this is how every relationship should be emoticon

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ALOFA0509 9/1/2011 5:10PM

   
Hugs to you sista!!!!

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NUTS4NUTELLA 9/1/2011 3:47PM

    Your fiance sounds so so so sweet and amazing! You are one lucky girl. You are also strong. You will kick this illnesses butt and be back with a vengeance in no time.
I'm keeping you in my thoughts Ashley!
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IMIN2GENES 9/1/2011 10:46AM

    That's wonderful that you've got such support! Best wishes for a successful surgery and speedy recovery.
Chris

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TRAVELINGIRL68 8/31/2011 12:00PM

    So glad to hear you have that support! I too had to go through 2 unexpected surgeries four summers ago and my husband (fiance at the time) was with 120% of the way. Talk about a trust building exercise!! :) It is also totally natural to feel angry about the experience, I still have flashbacks of it now - even though my quality of life - my life, actually - needed to have the surgery done. Take care of you, and think of all the Sparking time you will have while recovering! :)

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ROCKMAN6797 8/30/2011 2:31PM

    Great news on the support, that is key to getting through this roadbump Ashley!

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CHICAT63 8/29/2011 1:17PM

    Sorry to hear you need to deal with your situation, you are very well supporting by FiancÚ. As for work hopefully it will be resolved, most imporantly you need to care of YOU.

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PHEFEY 8/29/2011 1:17PM

    (((hugs)))
It is truly the sign of a good person when they see the silver lining in every situation...hello good person :)

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DUSTYGIRL25 8/29/2011 12:33PM

    You certainly have such an amazing support person in your life. It's all right, let him be strong for you.
I'm sure your job will understand. You have been so dedicated to them, it's time for them to to be there for you.
We're all here for you too.
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TESS5389 8/29/2011 10:17AM

    We're all rooting for you! So glad you have someone to depend on! Take care!

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KARVY09 8/29/2011 8:55AM

    Take care of yourself! Priority #1. *hugs*

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LINDYLIME 8/29/2011 7:14AM

    So sorry to hear about your setback. But just know that you will come back even stronger and better than before.

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ANGELOO29 8/29/2011 6:19AM

    I'm very glad you have such a wonderful support system in your fiancee. And, even more so, that he understands your need to express yourself as an outlet. Take care of yourself :-)

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RAVENSONG37 8/29/2011 1:49AM

    It's okay to get angry... Let it out and let it go. You will get better.

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KAMAPERRY 8/28/2011 11:00PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon So happy at how he supports you.

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HIPPICHICK1 8/28/2011 10:30PM

    The greatest gift that you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
~ lyrics from Nature Boy by Nat King Cole

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OJIBWEEQUAY 8/28/2011 9:57PM

    Ahhhh unconditional love!!! Doesn't it feel good??!!!! We deserve it! What a great hubby-to-be!!!!!! I know what you are going through will be taken care of and you can continue being the healthy gal you are!!! Xoxo

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TREASURINGLIFE 8/28/2011 8:00PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

- Michelle

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CYNDERROSE 8/28/2011 7:59PM

    You are a strong woman, and you will get through this. And you know what, this little set back, it will make you stronger in the end, and it will make reaching your goals that much more special.

You are emoticon and emoticon You are in my thoughts as you work to get through this.

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 8/28/2011 7:37PM

    Oh honey... do you have short term or long term disability through work? I know it's rough... I wish there was something I could do.

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JENN03275 8/28/2011 7:07PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MELLYBEANS0919 8/28/2011 6:57PM

    emoticon

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DEBBIE19580 8/28/2011 6:20PM

    emoticon ashley.

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GRACEISENUF 8/28/2011 6:08PM

    You have to be #1 right now Ashley. Do whatever is best for you.

Love and hugs,
Judy

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MOXIE-IN-MOTION 8/28/2011 6:02PM

    As frustrating as the situation is, I'm glad that you realize you have a support network in your fiance. He will help you through this. Remember that you have to take care of yourself.

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Illness and a change in priorities

Friday, August 26, 2011

I haven't been feeling well most of the summer. I also despite actual serious effort have not been able to lose any substantial amount of weight. We decided to return early from vacation so I could take some tests and we received some very upsetting news on Wednesday. I am not going to go into it anymore on here than I need to have some surgery and the doctors feel that should take care of it and I should not need any further treatment if it all goes according to plan.
Needless to say weight loss is not the priority right now and is pretty much not even possible so I am going to be focusing on being healthy and staying positive. It is not life threatening. I wish that my last few bad days could be cured with an attitude adjustment or a it will pass mindset but it is not quite that easy. I appreciate everyone's support. I will do my best to stay active with all of you but I have to say my focus is elsewhere for right now. Love you guys.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALLICATT 9/7/2011 8:49PM

    Take care of YOU! emoticon

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TWINSMOMMY607 9/6/2011 1:28PM

    Hugs!!!

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HANNAH_CALM 9/6/2011 8:38AM

    I'm sorry you don't feel well. Get better soon! You're lucky the doctors know what's wrong, AND want to help you with it. Some of them just tell you to deal with it. But it's so nice that you'll be getting well when this is over.

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MONKEYSNUFFER 9/5/2011 2:33PM

    feel better

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KATHLOW 9/4/2011 1:24PM

    I just read this today. i'm so sorry you're sick, I hope the drs are right and after surgery eerything will be okay! Take care, ashley.Love, Kath

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ERIN4771 9/2/2011 10:46AM

    take care of yourself first and foremost, the weightloss can wait....hugs...e

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WORTHEYMOM 9/1/2011 12:02PM

    Thinking of you!

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SIMPLE_TAILOR 9/1/2011 10:29AM

    We're here for you. Just let us know what we can do to help.

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PELESJEWEL 8/31/2011 11:06PM

    emoticon emoticon Hugs & Blessings

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RAVENSONG37 8/29/2011 1:47AM

    Love you sweetie. Whatever is going on, get better soon, mkay?

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NANHBH 8/29/2011 12:11AM

    Praying for your good health.
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DRJJ2004 8/28/2011 7:47PM

    Praying for your healing girl!!

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DESERTFLOWER8 8/28/2011 7:19PM

    I am sorry you are have to deal with this, Ashley. I will send all good thoughts and wishes your way... emoticon

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 8/28/2011 6:10PM

    Ashley, I"m sorry to hear this. I just got back into town, and read your blog. I hope everything turns out the way you want it to. I'll be thinking about you. *HUGS*

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GRACEISENUF 8/28/2011 6:07PM

    I just got back yesterday so I am reading this late Ashley. I will be praying for a successful outcome for your surgery.

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love and hugs sent your way,
Judy

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SACGIRL 8/27/2011 2:25PM

    Stay strong my friend! Sending you thoughts and hugs!

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HIPPICHICK1 8/27/2011 12:44PM

    Glad to hear that you are listening to your body. Take care and emoticon

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COOKWITHME65 8/27/2011 3:53AM

    So sorry to here this Ashley. Good for you for listening to your body and taking action to investigate it with your Dr. Wishing you a speedy recovery from your surgery. Take care of yourself Hun. Take any support that is offered. You need to rest up and get healthy. emoticon - Kristan

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ALOFA0509 8/27/2011 1:53AM

   
Your in my prayers sista!!!! Hugs, emoticon

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BRIAEL 8/27/2011 12:17AM

    I hope the surgery brings you to better health and onward to good health being easier to reach.

Life is all about priorities and it sounds like you have yours bang in line.

Best of luck. :)

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LANAIDAMERON2 8/26/2011 11:05PM

    emoticon We'll be thinking about you and I hope you don't mind if I keep you in my prayers?

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IMIN2GENES 8/26/2011 7:49PM

    Take care of yourself my friend! Sorry to hear that you've got to face a serious health issue. I should have read this before I sent the goodie... I'll keep you in my thoughts!
Best wishes for a speedy recovery!
Chris

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GROOVER4 8/26/2011 7:26PM

    That sucks. I hope your surgery goes well. Look after yourself and come back when your ready. We'll miss you.

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FIERY778 8/26/2011 5:12PM

    Thoughts are with you!!

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CHRISTINA791 8/26/2011 4:50PM

    Sorry to hear that. Sending good thoughts and wishes for a smooth procedure. Take care of yourself.

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SYZYGY922 8/26/2011 4:42PM

    I am so sorry to hear this. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, and don't worry about weight loss when you're struggling with a big health issue. Just maintain as best as you can and take care of YOU.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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IRISHBEANERGAL 8/26/2011 4:29PM

    I will keep good thoughts for you and your family. Best wishes for a successful surgery and speedy recovery!

~Irish

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JESSIHOVER1 8/26/2011 4:10PM

    It is so much more important that you just get yourself feeling better the rest will come in time. Get well and good luck.

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OJIBWEEQUAY 8/26/2011 4:08PM

    emoticonfriend! You are gonna shine through! emoticon

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LITTLEONEJLC 8/26/2011 4:06PM

    I'm sorry you are facing another health issue. Continue eating healthy, cuz that's never going to hurt. I will say a prayer that all turns out well. Take extra good care of yourself. emoticon

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TMP311 8/26/2011 3:46PM

    Take care of yourself first and foremost!

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 8/26/2011 3:17PM

    Take care of yourself. We will still be here when you can re-focus. emoticon

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BADASSBLONDIE 8/26/2011 3:04PM

    I'm glad to hear you're taking care of yourself and putting yourself first, especially at a time like this. *hugs* Sending good vibes your way.

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PHEFEY 8/26/2011 2:46PM

    (((hugs))) I'll be wishing and praying that everything turns out okay and best case scenerio.

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IBSHAUN 8/26/2011 2:38PM

    Best of luck Ashely and we will keep you in our thoughts! Of course, do what is best for you and focus on your health! We will be here when you have time to come back.

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CHICAT63 8/26/2011 2:34PM

    Big hug Ashley, only positive thoughts !!!!! Take care of YOU

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DUSTYGIRL25 8/26/2011 2:29PM

    So very sorry to hear about the negative health news. Just keep your self stress free (if possible) and take care.
Hope you are feeling well very soon.
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MELLYBEANS0919 8/26/2011 2:25PM

    Sorry to hear that Ashley. Take care of yourself. emoticon

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CARMINACG 8/26/2011 2:19PM

    Ill be thinking of you - i hope you can get scheduled soon for your surgery and be recovering sooner then later! Sorry to hear you are not feeling well emoticon

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CYNDERROSE 8/26/2011 2:04PM

    emoticon You have to take care of this before you can lose weight, I understand.

You are in my thoughts.

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RONIREDD 8/26/2011 2:03PM

    emoticon

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F1AMEDIVA 8/26/2011 2:01PM

    emoticon I will keep you in my thoughts. Definitely focus on getting better. You can go back to the weight loss journey when you're better.

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AARONSGIRL420 8/26/2011 1:53PM

    Good luck, stay positive and get well soon.

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JENBELLE13 8/26/2011 1:47PM

    Your in my thoughts. I know it can seem discouraging to postpone your goals of losing weight, but you have to do what's right for your body at this time. We will all be here waiting for your quick recovery.

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FINALLYBEINGME 8/26/2011 1:47PM

    emoticon Sending positive thoughts your way.

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KAREBARE00 8/26/2011 1:44PM

    i'll be thinking about you. hope everything goes well!
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BIRKIE528 8/26/2011 1:34PM

    Best wishes!!! emoticon

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KAMAPERRY 8/26/2011 1:15PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon Praying for you!

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JSPIN74 8/26/2011 1:10PM

    sending you good vibes...

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ROCKMAN6797 8/26/2011 1:09PM

    Sorry to hear about your predicament.
Take care, be strong, and keep yourself focused on the most important person, you!

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