Tuesday, August 09, 2011
I never understood people's adverse reactions to food as a child. I ate what I wanted and never had a filter of what was too much. Luckily I was very active so I maintained a healthy weight. Then after my accident I gained an enormous amount of weight very quickly. It was traumatizing and so began my lifetime of good food, bad food. Even today, as I know there needs to be no such label I struggle with this feeling. The newest negative association I have is being full is bad. I am not talking stuffed to gills, made myself sick which used to be an occurrence at every single meal. I mean just being full at a normal level. The second I feel full I get upset. I have equated eating any food with not being able to lose weight. This is a dangerous slope. Obsessive by nature I have an inability to self regulate and eat at a normal level naturally. It is something I have to be conscious of at every single meal, snack, all day etc.
Today I had a higher calorie breakfast than normal so I was determined to eat a smaller lunch. I had my salad and added 2 hard boiled eggs on the top. 245 calories in total. When I finished I definitely was full but knew realistically it was a correct portion and I didn't overdue it. That wasn't enough to keep me from being upset all afternoon. That combined with the great popcorn debacle and it left me feeling pretty worthless. I let myself equate my personal value with what I ate today.
That is a very sad thing. I can psycho analyze myself like nobodies business. I know what is right and what is wrong. Everything in moderation etc but I still felt that way. It frustrates me but it made me realize that this is a battle I always will have and that by attacking it head on and talking myself through it I will always be able to beat it. So when you start the negative associates remember. There is nothing about food that is good or bad enough to change your value as a human being. It is all in how we react to our own negative thoughts and self doubt. We all can beat this.