I am all or nothing all the time. If I start the day off making poor nutritional choices I let it carry throughout the day. If I skip a day at the gym it snowballs into weeks. Self sabotage comes to mind. A sparkpeep told me as I approached 100 lbs lost this would happen. It would be a total mind meltdown and it would be easy to get off track. Well it was a rather prophetic statement because I did. I stopped tracking, working out, caring and here I sit. Angry, resentful and lonely. Not wanting to admit to the people who continually tell me I am an "inspiration" that I screwed up. I blame no one but myself. I am not in denial. I know why this happened. I got lazy, I made excuses and went back to old destructive habits to cope. I stopped weighing myself. Yup. For some that is good. For me, it is not. I need the threat of the scale. It keeps me in line.
This past few days I have been meditating on my decline and what I need to do to fix it. I think a bit of cocky arrogance has kept me from admitting I needed to get back to basics. That I need to adjust my attitude and go back to tracking everything and measuring everything. I need a reality check. I remember not too long ago being excited to go to gym. Now it feels like something I am forcing myself to do begrudgingly. Why do I feel that way? I like going to the gym. It is fun and stress relieving. I don't get enough sleep and I am not sure how I can get more. The hours are what they are but being tired is a big part of this.
The conclusion I came to after all this exorbitant thinking was that it is my attitude that has suffered. I am behaving like a petulant child who is doing something I don't want to do.
The reality is I DO want this. I like healthy food, I like being active, I LOVE having muscles. I feel better about myself when I do these things and my life is all around better. I decided to start from today and just get back to step 1 and do this because I want too. It is all about how you look at this and it is about making a choice. I am not going to be another obesity statistic who died too young from not taking care of myself. No sir.
I have lost my way and getting it all back together is about returning to what works for me.
Packing my breakfast and lunch everyday. When I control what I eat and how it is prepared I lose weight, period. No more excuses
Finishing the painful to write summary of why I got divorced for the priest. He told me it would be very difficult and he was right. Bringing up all those memories has been harder on me than I ever imagined. So I need to finish it and move on.
Working out, especially strength training, 4 days a week. I am going to buy some resistance bands for the house so I can sneak in some workout time at home as well. When I strength train I lose more weight and I look overall much better. Period. No more excuses.
Working on my business plan. I haven't touched it since May. After hearing how much capital it would take start a restaurant I got discouraged but there have to be other avenue's to work from to get this started. Food trucks are starting to get big in Boston. Maybe I should look into one of those. Regardless, moving forward because that is what I want to be doing.
Finding balance. Stress= feeling like crap and overeating. Period. No more excuses. Find a way to deal. See working out paragraph.
Connecting with friends more and letting go of friendships that don't nurture me or stressing over situations I can not change. My aunt is getting divorced again and it is ugly. She has pretty much shut me out entirely during the process because she told me he is being so horrible to her she doesn't want me to get involved. It upsets me that she is isolating herself but I realized that I have to let her do it her way and as long as she is not in physical danger I need to respect her wishes. Letting go of things beyond my control is necessary for my own health.
Forgot this one. Get back to my writing. It helps me sort through all of my thoughts and helps me settle my brain. I miss it a lot.
I know I can do this. When I am focused and taking care of myself I am the most successful and happy. I deserve it.
I learned that all the ups and downs of the last year were worth getting to this point. The fighting, the tears, the highs and the lows. I am able to live a normal life now and I am no longer afraid and stuck on the sidelines. I learned that stress is my biggest obstacle to a healthy life and learning to find balance is my number 1 focus for the next several months.
My first day back to work and not one craving or desire to eat unhealthy. Nothing. It was easy. Yesterday, it was still easy but had a few craving and a little too large of portion of chicken for dinner but still good. This morning started with several calls from clients with problems and almost culminated in me eating a slice of cake. I threw it in the trash after 1 bite but I had barely even been aware I was eating it. That seems to be the thing with me. Mindless eating to cope. So at this point one year in I am very much aware that this will be a life long struggle for me but I am not going back. I will continue to struggle. Giving up is never an option. I will never go back to existing instead of living because it is easier and hating myself for it. One of the most valuable things I gained this year was learning to love myself and finding my self esteem. What is better than that?
Now onto stress management. Maybe I will like yoga....
One of the first places I noticed the weight loss was in my chest. At 345 pounds I wore a size 46/48 E. I was in denial they were that big and wore bras too small and had major spillage. Part of my size denial was not buying bras in the correct size so I didn't have to face how large I had become. As I shrank smaller and smaller so did my chest until the point where my bras were as ridiculously huge as my old clothes. A good bra can change how clothes fit and how we present ourselves so this weekend I decided to finally invest in some that fit me correctly.
The size shocked me. I have lost 4 cups sizes and 4 band inches. FOUR! It was a bit shocking and upsetting truthfully. When you are morbidly obese it is desexualizing. You aren't often treated as a woman. Having big boobs was one of my only ways of feeling like a woman and feeling sexy. I know I am not alone in this. Cleavage attracts attention, usually not the good kind, but it was attention and I craved it. Accepting my smaller size is part of this life change and it is a little hard. The more attention I am attracting for me, not just my boobs, is overwhelming and sometimes I feel like I don't even know how to deal with it socially. I get embarrassed sometimes.
I don't have the fat to hide behind anymore and I had not realized how much life would change socially. I thought as I lost weight it would get better, easier. Don't get me wrong. Things have gotten better in many ways, but the adjustment to my changing body and the changes to my social environment have been more difficult than I imagined they would be. It is an every changing process of saying goodbye to things that were a constant and adjusting to the new.
Tomorrow at 5 PM I am officially on vacation. To say I am excited would the understatement of the century. The last truly significant time off I had was my grandmother's death and then before that a week off last summer. I NEED A VACATION. My honey and I both are off from all of our jobs for 9 days. YEAH! So now that I am eating healthy and have my spark back etc I am faced with vacation. What is life without a few bumps in the road? Boring.
I have been thinking about it all day and the plan of attack is... Whenever possible I am packing granola bars, whole fruit and water bottles in the car. Monday is Six Flags, it scares me to even say that honestly and they all but frisk you at the gate for contraband (aka food they can't rip you off for) so I will stick to water and hunt for the semi healthiest option I can find for lunch. There has to be something that won't be ridiculous. We will be doing plenty of walking all week so that should cover any extra calories and I refuse to spend my life obsessing anymore over every single calorie because it isn't healthy to obsess too much in either direction. This about freeing myself from food slavery in both directions, overeating or controlling my eating. I am truly amazed by people who can "just stop" eating when full or "forget to eat all day". Can say that rarely happens for me.
We actually like to cook at home better than most restaurants considering he is chef and I am a killer cook so most nights I will just grab local seafood for the grill. Alcohol consumption will most likely be my biggest obstacle. I don't drink heavily but a couple of glasses of wine can really add up quickly if I am not careful. I usually only drink alcohol on the weekends but vacation is fair game. Going to have to keep on top of that .
It feels good to be excited about this again. I was trying to think of what made this click for me and I realized what it was. Yesterday morning I was hunting for a skirt for work so I grabbed something out of the give away pile figuring how big could it be. When I put it on it was absolutely enormous. So huge that I was at least 6-7 inches from the waist band. I had forgotten. I think that is how we slip back into regaining weight. You forget how big you were to begin with. So if you need a refresher go grab those clothes you are saving for your before and after pictures and put them on. You will instantly remember why you are doing this.