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Doing this my way

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

I have discovered the secret of my struggles. Want to know what it is?

I have been dieting. Yup, I said it. Dieting. DIE with a T. I have been doing everything I "should" be doing and you know what? It sucks.

I HATE brown rice, there I said that too.
I despise whole wheat pitas, BLASPHEMY!

Don't get me wrong, I love a nice slice of whole grain bread but just not in pita form. I have been living with a list of good and bad foods. Good and bad behaviors. Good food day= loving myself and being correct. Bad food day=feeling like a big fat miserable failure. The more bad days I have had the more difficult this has become. I was living in a world of no treats allowed at all. Forcing down foods I hate because I should. That goes for you Stonyfield organic yogurt that has the gooey texture of wallpaper paste and makes me gag as I am writing this. I was so caught up in doing it the way I had forced myself to believe I should that I lost sight of doing this because I want too.
I packed my breakfast and lunch today all full of things that I love. Greek yogurt, Kashi go lean cereal (I swear, I really do like this emoticon), summer melon, albacore tuna and chopped veggies from a crudite I had at my cookout this weekend. I was feeling good about myself. Then work put out lunch and it was this awesome falafel bar with our amazing hummus and a gorgeous salad, white pitas and fried falafels. I wanted a pita like nobody's business. I love me some pita. I stopped and looked at it wistfully and then thought "why am I doing this to myself?". Eat the flippin pita and enjoy it. Why are you letting some diet idea stop you from eating something that is perfect fine to enjoy. I stuffed that half of a pita full of veggies and the tuna and some of the yogurt dressing they had on the side. I did choose to not eat the falafel because it was fried and I did that because I wanted too. My lunch was around 350 calories and I felt great.
That was my aha moment. I was living in a land of deprivation and self loathing and had lost my spark because I was doing so. So there it is. Ate healthy all day because I wanted too and have not been hungry and not felt deprived. I have learned I need a small treat most days and when I do that I don't feel like I am dieting and it works for me. I am ok with that. So there it is. Do it your way and this will work for you. There is nothing wrong with that. I eat clean because I enjoy and don't judge anyone else for not doing the same. So tell me, what works for you?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALOFA0509 7/12/2011 11:48AM

   
A-men sista!!! I was in this exact same spot a few months ago, I just sd FK IT, and ate what I wanted in moderation.. I dont gorge out on sh*t all day, but If I want something I'll have some, and leve it at that.. No self abusing abt taking a few bits of some yummy pie.. lol-- Rock On sista!!!

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CALIKIKI 7/7/2011 6:40PM

    I always enjoy your blogs and have missed reading them during my little break.

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F1AMEDIVA 7/7/2011 6:09PM

    Exactly! I have foods that are supposedly the healthier option that I can't stand. I've started approaching eating healthier as a lifestyle and not a diet. When you can take the labels of good and bad off food its tremendously freeing. Food is tasty, yummy fuel and if its not tasty to you, find something that is.




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WEDDLEACE 7/7/2011 11:13AM

    This post is spot-on! It's so easy to get into the rut of self-loathing when we have some "bad days". "Bad" and "good" food is so dangerous. It's food. Not attachments. No emotions. So glad you've found what works for YOU!

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KKINNEA 7/7/2011 10:21AM

    Yay for eating what tastes good and is also healthy!

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AMOHAME2 7/7/2011 9:38AM

    I think you've just said a lot of things that ALL OF US are thinking but are too afraid to admit to!! emoticon

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CRESHA20 7/7/2011 8:15AM

    I do not like brown rice, but I love white rice. People would tell me, you should eat the brown rice because it's more filling and it's just healthier all around. I started buying it, and I just did not enjoy my meal when I had brown rice. I keep talking about how much I dislike the stuff. I can semi-tolerate it sometimes, but for me, it can easily make or break a meal. I don't believe I will buy it anymore just because people try to tell me how much better it is. It sometimes sickens me to taste it. I do always allow myself treats and other things I like because I know that with the way I feel, I will always want to eat things that I like. I try to make better choices. For instance, if I make a cheesecake, I find that I can easily use fat free cool whip. I have also learned how to modify other things that I cook or bake. The key for me is moderation, which it can sometimes be easy to lose sight of. I just say to do what works for you. I had a friend telling me that I should be a vegetarian. I told her that if it works for her, do it, but don't encourage me to do something I have no desire to do. Good for you for recognizing that you should do what works for you.

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CJANSEN40 7/7/2011 7:55AM

    can't live in no treat land for too long. You should eat the food that you like and that like you. keep up the good work!

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JBMT08 7/7/2011 7:54AM

    This is so right on. I am still searching for what "works" for me. I eat well during the day, but when I come home and am with my daughter, time escapes me, and then we order out. Needless to say, after this morning's weigh in, I was ver tempted to throw that metal glass devise through the window! I am taking a hiatus from using the scale for two weeks, and am in the process of cleaning up my eating. Thanks for letting us know that we should eat what we LIKE, not what we "should".

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ERIN4771 7/7/2011 7:15AM

    it has to be sustainable, from your eating to the exercising, if it's not something that you can see yourself sticking with in the long term, it's not going to work....this is what i need to remind myself when i see the new fads of equipment or classes in the gym, or the latest "diet" craze....i seem to be doing pretty good if i do say so myself emoticon

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LOVEUNDERLINED 7/7/2011 6:59AM

    I JUST wrote a blog about this very thing!

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MIZCATHI 7/7/2011 5:56AM

    There you go. I love food, and I have learned over the years that a "diet" doesn't have to be about "diet" foods. When I was a girl if you were on a "diet", you ate only plain lean meat, hard boiled eggs, cottage cheese and plain tuna. But as I have matured, I now truly love experimenting with food and trying new things. Seasonings, sauces, butter, yellow squash, and whole wheat. I really do think it's more about portion control, staying away most of the time from processed all white foods, and additives. Enjoy, count, and feed your body well.

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DUSTYGIRL25 7/7/2011 5:16AM

    I don't like spinach and I don't like pineapple. I also don't like tamales or ravioli. And guess what? I'm not eating them even if their stuffed or surrounded with healthy items. Why? Because I don't like them! But I do like pizza, ice cream and cheesecake. And once in a great while, I will allow myself to have some of these things, as long as I stay within my calorie range and still include some healthy items throughout the day.
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KATHLOW 7/7/2011 4:13AM

    I just love how much alike we are! i will try to like some foods, but I just can't. Good for you, and that pita bar made me drool - at 10 am.

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ECONLADY 7/7/2011 12:32AM

    Good for you! Sound like a good day!

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JULIA1154 7/6/2011 11:43PM

  That's a VERY useful realization - thanks for sharing it so articulately.

I love Kashi Go Lean, too, but it's a rationed treat these days.... :)


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FINALLYBEINGME 7/6/2011 10:01PM

    I've been discoveering that as well! thanks for the reminder :). emoticon

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LIVIN2LOVE1 7/6/2011 10:00PM

    Way to go! Live like you mean it! Eat because it's yummy and fun!

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TREASURINGLIFE 7/6/2011 9:19PM

    Yay! Hmmm...what works for me? Not considering anything as "bad" or "off-limits." The minute I do that all I can think about it eating it - and like you said, eat something "bad," feel badly about myself. NOT WORTH IT!! Life is about LIVING. Everything in moderation. Eat clean as much as I can, but when I want a treat and it's within my calorie range, then go for it, and enjoy every single second.

Do what works girl, and Spark on!! :)

- Michelle

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IMIN2GENES 7/6/2011 8:16PM

    Well said! You've got to do what's right for you. I'm working on adding fruits... you know what, I'm starting to like them; but, I still snuck in a little square of dark chocolate! Keeps me sane!

Way to go!
Chris

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 7/6/2011 7:40PM

    As always, I eat what ever I want, just the correct portion size. I DO eat a ton more fruits and veggies than I used to, but I haven't given up one food that I love. Good for you Ashley!

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MELLYBEANS0919 7/6/2011 7:01PM

    Happy for you. emoticon

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THISYEARSMODEL 7/6/2011 6:38PM

    Amen, Sister & congratulations! Diets are for losers. We're all winners who enjoy life! emoticon

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RIGBY31 7/6/2011 6:26PM

    I'm eating 4 cups of SmartPop! popcorn as I read this. I need my salty crunch snack in the afternoon sometimes. You're right.... do what works for you. I was trying to fit every single tidbit of the various food hints and programs I read here on SP into my world. Didn't work. I know works. And I need to find MY satisfying foods.

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LUCKYDOGFARM 7/6/2011 6:23PM

    I absolutely agree Ashley. you cannot live on a diet. my measuing cups are my friends. i eat foods that i enjoy every day. i do not deprive myself. i do stay in my calorie range. i do stay away from most fried foods. mostly because of the calories. i drink water. why? because it saves the calories for the things that i really LOVE! like chocolate! skip a soda and have a snicker bar. good trade if you aske me! not that i have a snicker every day, its just the idea that every day you have to choose what you are willing to spend your calorie allotment on.
You got this Ashley!!

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KAMAPERRY 7/6/2011 6:23PM

    I agree, you are on the right track! I eat brown rice and whole wheat pitas and Greek yogurt because I LIKE it. If I don't like something, I can't choke it down no matter how healthy it is! emoticon

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SEPPIESUSAN 7/6/2011 6:11PM

    This post is fantastic!! In my past I have gone through periods of being way too strict with myself, only eating according to my plan and feeling very deprived. When I would do this I would lose a lot of weight fast, but then I would always slip up and eat everything I'd been craving in big quantities, and of course I would gain all the weight back. I went through several cycles of these two extremes multiple times before I finally came to my current approach - nothing is off-limits, BUT I have to track it all on Spark (even though most of the time I'm totally guessing!) and other than special occasions, I try to stick to my general healthy-eating template (healthy breakfast, lunch, dinner, one snack of almonds, the rest of my snacks are unlimited but have to be fruits and vegetables). By following this moderate approach, I'm rewarded by having a moderate weight - not my lightest, but not my heaviest either!

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BADASSBLONDIE 7/6/2011 5:28PM

    Love this!!! I've been living with a similar mindset lately except my response has been to binge on foods I don't even WANT. *headdesk*

What works for me:

Plans - give me a list any old day, I freaking adore those things.

Small steps - right now, I'm focusing on tracking again, eating out less, and drinking my water. Things you would've thought I'd learned months ago ;) But we all need a refresher sometimes.

XOXO

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BTRTHANEVA 7/6/2011 5:22PM

    Right on, Ashley! Seems like if we could portion control what we eat, we wouldn't need to DIE-t. Everything in moderation! RUN WITH THIS (literally!!!)

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BRIAEL 7/6/2011 5:18PM

    I add half brown basmati and half white basmati in equal measures in a big lidded tub and give it a good shake til it mixes. This is actually tasty and filling, and you don't feel like you're depriving yourself. :)

Chobani Greek Yoghurt is lovely with anything. I put honey and frozen raspberries in mine to make a nice mid morning snack.

Handful of nuts - almonds, walnuts, pecans go really nice with a turkey bacon (blotted til it's dry of fat) plumps raisins and raw spinach (with a drizzle of balsamic vinegar.

One of my favourites is finely diced pink lady apples with grated carrot and a dash of lime juice. (Add a touch of chili powder if you need something spicy). Tops a salad, is gorgeous with a steak and makes a change from "just greens".

Sounds like your head is getting back into the right space. I'm slowly rejoining you and we will get there! :)



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ROCKMAN6797 7/6/2011 4:59PM

    I never approached this as a DIET, rather as a lifestyle change. I decided that I would eat healthy and closely monitor what I ate. With this in mind, I don't pay to much heed to what I cannot have rather I pay more attention to how my choice will impact my goal to be healthy. I love ice cream so I decided that I would look for the healthiest choice and eat to my heart's content (thank you very much Skinny Cow ice cream!) As I have commented in the past, I truly feel that I am eating so much more that I did in the past and yet because I am eating healthy I am reaping the benefits!
Good for you Ashley, love the self-knowledge you are gaining! It will help you so much on your road to achieving all of your goals.

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LESLIES537 7/6/2011 4:57PM

    emoticon A-ha moment! You're onto something there!!

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IBSHAUN 7/6/2011 4:51PM

    emoticon Love this! Thanks for the reminder that we HAVE to live and it's changing our lives not just a diet. Good for you and thank you!!

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MAMADWARF 7/6/2011 4:31PM

    Love it! It is easy to forget sometimes the why and the what of things.

What works for me is really making a decision about what I want. Did I just shove that brownine in my face because I wanted it or because it was a habit. Stuff like that. Making the choice. Taking a moment to decide. Thinking about my decision and then living with it.

Another thing that helps is to hear how other people handle things. Hence: me and sparkpeople. We work.

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COOKWITHME65 7/6/2011 4:30PM

    Your so right Ashley. If we deprive ourselves fully of what we love we will most likely backslide. This is a new way of living not a diet. Balance is the key. I'm making myself a big fruit salad with fresh pineapple, mango, watermelon, cantaloupe , strawberries and blueberries. It will probably be on my menu for days with some yogurt or cottage cheese as it is so hot out. But that doesn't mean I wont have a small plate of the jambalaya I'm making for my BF tonight with shrimp, linguicia and chicken. If I don't I may raid it in the middle of the night eating it mindlessly.

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CHRISTINA791 7/6/2011 4:29PM

    Thank you so much for posting this!

I've been pretty good with this (allowing myself cupcakes helps), but I still sometimes get caught up in what I 'should' (or should not) be eating. Guess what? I don't like greek yogurt, and that's okay! I eat chocolate almost every freaking day, and it's all right! I like starches. I eat pasta and bread and could never in a billion years give it up forever. I also honestly prefer whole grains over (most - pasta's an exception) whites, but it has to be good quality stuff.

The important thing is figuring out a way of eating that fuels your body, keeps you healthy and - shocking, I know - tastes good!

(BTW, your lunch is making me drool. That sounds awesome, and I may have to go pick up some pitas after work)

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BECOMING_HOLLY 7/6/2011 4:27PM

    I eat what I want. I have learned on my own that I don't like greasy high-fat foods. It makes me feel sick! I love veggies and the majority of my food intake are fresh or frozen/steam veggies for that reason.

I listen to my body and eat what IT needs. Not what the current trends are, not what I have to eat. I eat small meals of foods that I need, that I crave. Who knew roast chicken would be one of my BIGGEST cravings?!?!

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HAILEYSMAMA 7/6/2011 4:26PM

    Thats great, THe DIET dilemma always wants to creep up but remember u arent dieting just making a change in your habits. Eat whatever in moderation and give in to treats sometimes. There are alot of "diet" foods out there that I cant stand and I refuse to eat so I just improvise with what I like and eat.

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LEAHKAY21782 7/6/2011 4:22PM

    low carbs high protein 6 days a week, and one day where I don't let high carb food bother me. :) Good stuff. FOR ME.

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Feeling overwhelmed

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I just have too much going on in my life. Work has some issues and out of respect for company privacy I can't talk about it but it is very serious and everyone is on edge. I am not sleeping, not eating well, not working out. A whole lot of not doing what I want to be doing. What I am having a hard time understanding is why. I get up in the morning and am determined to have the day I want and then I get to about lunch and it starts to slowly unravel. Some days are worse than others. Today I did great until about 3. Then I ate 4 mini cookies. They were about the size of a silver dollar each. I debated telling you all this but I wanted to be honest and I hid my addiction for so long that I can't do it anymore. As soon as I ate the cookies I felt calm and then angry. Angry with myself for letting the addiction win again. Please Please Please don't send me messages and tell me it is ok. It is not. I do believe treats are part of a healthy diet but it is the way that I am doing the eating that is not the healthy part. There is nothing healthy about obsessing all day and then sneaking around to eat something. The feeling ashamed.
I do believe part of this is that I am exhausted and I am eating to compensate for the lack of energy. When I work out I have more energy but I always seem to put that on the back burner. I will make time for everything in my life but what makes me feel better and is healthy. I am out of balance and having a hard time figuring out where I need to start again. Maybe this is about going back to stage 1. In fact that is exactly what I need. To start over and forget all the shame and drama etc and just do what I want in my heart and get the job done. So here I go. Right now is the first moment of losing the next 50 lbs and getting in great shape.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIMPLE_TAILOR 7/14/2011 3:58PM

    I really understand that feeling out of balance. I know that we both can get there.

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NORAHNICK 7/6/2011 6:47PM

    Take back the control! Pack healthy snacks and whip one out the next time the cookie calls!

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THISYEARSMODEL 7/6/2011 6:41PM

    Hang in there! Focus on the first 10. It's so much easier than seeing that big number, and the rest will come later. emoticon

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CJANSEN40 7/1/2011 3:07PM

    ((hugs)) Next time you are in line for a sugar treat go find a set of stairs and climb to the top and come back down. you are only away from your job 5 minutes and you will feel better and more in control of the sugar. the building I work in is only 6 floors so I don't get too far but far enough to walk away from the cookies!

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VIAFREE 6/30/2011 3:24PM

    Staring over is sometime just what we need. Sounds like you are ready for a New Start! Your honesty with yourself is your key to freedome. Goodluck, I'm cheering for you.

Shel emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/30/2011 3:25:00 PM

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MIZCATHI 6/30/2011 6:02AM

    Sounds like my life right now so I can totally relate. Yesterday I started feeling tense and weird, and went right for the little package of Pepperidge Farm cookies in the cabinet. I ate three and felt "better", then mentally counted the calories and stopped. It's a very weird sensation, and one I have to control, but I don't think it will ever entirely go away. Hang in there, and do just one thing today that moves you forward both emotionally and physically.

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KAMAPERRY 6/29/2011 10:57PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HANNAH_CALM 6/29/2011 5:07PM

    Okay, I won't say it was fine... Why don't you plan for that hunger, and have something healthy at the ready? Good luck! and I hope work improves.

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JULIA1154 6/29/2011 3:53PM

  Sometimes what's worst about eating something you didn't plan on is that it signifies loss of control over food.

I think what we all want is to feel in control of our relationship with food. Even if the 4 mini-cookies didn't blow your calorie budget, eating them says something to yourself - that you still NEED food (at times). That makes one angry and depressed. It stinks.

I think the earlier comment about some morning cardio was a good thought; it seems to help get the day off on the right foot, even if it's just a bit of a walk. I know that, for myself, getting 15-20 minutes outside mid-afternoon helps a whole bunch.

I really hope things settle down soon for you, Ashley. I know the situation at work's been tense for quite a while and that really does take a toll. Good luck. I hope it helps to know that you have a lot of us pulling for you.

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NINNY165 6/29/2011 11:39AM

    Congrats on being honest with yourself...This is a journey, not a race...congrats on picking yourself back up again,,,sometimes starting over is the spark we need to get ourselves back on track...Take it one day at a time ...one moment at a time... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TREASURINGLIFE 6/29/2011 10:35AM

    You are #1 - remember that, and treat yourself accordingly.

- Michelle

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TIME4AMY 6/29/2011 8:40AM

    I had a similar night...
I haven't "overate" in months! Yet, lastnight I ate a couple pieces of marinated steak tips, a few bbq ribs, and a few buffalo wings...OH MY GAWWD i felt so sick. My stomach hurt, I wanted to throw up!

I just went in bed after cleaning up after dinner and just felt awful! Why did I do that?! I kept thinking that I didn't want to waste food, but are you kidding me Amy?! You're not a dumpster!!! My fiance' wanted to love me, but I couldn't fathom having him put any pressure near my stomach! hahahaha... (sorry for the visual)

I guess my point is, it took that feeling to know that I will NOT allow myself to eat that much again! I don't like how I felt emotionally afterward, nor physically. I eat so well now, that my stomach can't even hold such an amount!

You said you didn't want to post such honesty. I felt your pain. I always keep my food tracker open to the public...and I made it private last night. emoticon ...honesty...

So, on that note, I'm putting it up there for all to see. I'm human. This is a work in progress and if I can help someone else understand that bad days mean getting back in the swing of things the next day, it's not necessarily OK to overeat or overindulge, but it's OK to make mistakes...it's how we learn.

I hope that today is better than yesterday's.
emoticon

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RUNMELLY 6/29/2011 7:29AM

    I don't know what your schedule is like, but can you get some kind of cardio in in the mornings? Even if it's just 10 minutes or so to get you started on the right track? Good luck as you re-start your journey...everyone needs a do-over button from time to time :)

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BTRTHANEVA 6/29/2011 6:58AM

    Ashley,

*When I work out I have more energy but I always seem to put that on the back burner*.

You're putting everything else in front of you and your needs and suffering for it. You need to make yourself your number 1 priority and realize that everyone and everything will benefit from you taking optimal care of yourself! Do those things for you that give you the energy and self respect that appears to be fading. Hopefully, that will keep you from backsliding into past habits that sabotage your morale.

Take control of the things in your life that you can (yourself) and live in the moment. You've got your BIG DAY coming up and take care of yourself!!!

SP's healthy reflection for today:
The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches but to reveal to him his own.
Benjamin Disraeli, British statesman

Comment edited on: 6/29/2011 7:01:13 AM

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MRSSCHENCK 6/29/2011 6:50AM

    emoticon

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BRAVENEWGRL 6/28/2011 11:56PM

    Here's to the next 50 pounds! Stick with it - you can do it!

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PENELOPEHOPE 6/28/2011 11:36PM

    Have you thought about getting counseling to determine why you feel that you are not worth putting yourself first sometimes? It might be part of your wellness journey to investigate the complex rdeasons that we sabotage ourselves. I had KFC today. Shouldn't have, did. I did extra card today and skipped snack altogether. We all just keep trying.

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 6/28/2011 11:24PM

    I had a very hard time getting and staying motivated to exercise. I then decided to try to exercise in the morning on my days first thing after breakfast. This worked, wow color me surprised. Then I started to attempt to do this on my work days, this is a little harder as I would have to get up at 4 am, yuck. I am finally able to do this and all I do is 10 minutes of some cardio. I had to build this habit one layer at a time, yes it took a while, but it did finally work.

Good luck!

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CANNIE50 6/28/2011 11:02PM

    I just blogged about some very similar issues today. I can certainly relate. You are healthy to blog about this - "we are only as sick as our secrets".....

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MELLABELLAS 6/28/2011 10:55PM

    I know you can do it. We all have our good and bad days. That's what makes us human.
I hope things get a little better at work. You don't need the stress I'm sure.
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SKINNYMISSKASEY 6/28/2011 10:45PM

    That sounds similar to how I have behaved with my binging episodes the past two months. I sneak the food (and I've never been a sneak eater) because I am ashamed of letting someone see how much I'm eating or what I'm eating. I'll walk out of the kitchen trying to angle it where they can't see I'm taking the whole box of cookies to my room instead of one.

And I get angry at myself as well after I do it. I've stuck through the last few days..and I hope it sticks.

I hope the stuff that's going on with you at work (and the eating) gets worked out in as positive way as it can!

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IMIN2GENES 6/28/2011 9:42PM

    Good for you! Way to refocus! I just love your honesty. I think it really helps to get it out there. You have come so far and really do have a lot on your plate. It takes a strong woman not to just give in or give up. You're getting right back on track!
Chris

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MELLYBEANS0919 6/28/2011 9:40PM

    Thinking of you.

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ECONLADY 6/28/2011 9:37PM

    It sounds like you have a plan. When I get like that (which is too often) i take a break, close my eyes and ask why am I being self destructive. You have to relax and let it come to you. If you find the reason, work with it. Chances are you already know the answer, but it is probably more than just stress.

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SOXYINMO 6/28/2011 9:35PM

    Heavy stuff at work is hard, hard, hard. Take a deep breath, give yourself a hug, and start with one, little thing. A positive thing! An easy thing! If you don't have assigned parking, park two or three spaces farther than usual. That little, that simple! Just do that one thing for a few days and then a few days more and then give yourself another hug because you've added 50 more steps to your day.

We are here for you!

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SLFRISBEY 6/28/2011 9:20PM

    (((hugs))) Sorry things are not perfect. You're in my thoughts!

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CYNDERROSE 6/28/2011 9:11PM

    You have a lot happening right now, stress is to be expected. emoticon

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MSANITAL 6/28/2011 9:07PM

    Take a deep breath first then give your self a hug, and here is one from me, you have alot going on and only you know what your going through and it is tought that if you have alwasy turned to food when things got out of hand, it is tought to stop but you know the more you face the problem with out the food the better it is to deal with it at least for me that is worked, something you might want to concider is to track your food before you eat it. breakfast Lunch and dinner, and then when you feel that you are going to go eat someting say at 3 in the afternoon write it down first even if it on a sticky note write it down look at it read it wait 10 mins and if after the 10 mins you still want the food, eat it but put it in your tracker,
hope this helps.. you can do it stay postive, stay strog

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 6/28/2011 8:40PM

    You have so much going on with wedding planning and work. It's not a surprise that you're stressed out. When I'm overwhelmed, I get back to basics. Water, portion control (with whatever I'm eating, even if it's bad), and move 10 min a day. Even a walk around the block. You can do this Ashley, you've come so far, you know what to do. *hugs*

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JENN03275 6/28/2011 8:08PM

    Are you eating enough during the day. If your addiction to food is stress eating, can you keep a "secret " stash of health binge foods. If you like cookies maybe an organic version. SUGAR has that calming effect that we are searching for. No, I am not going to say its ok because you are trying to break that pattern. Just take every day at a time and keep the faith.

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JAKOTAMJ 6/28/2011 8:05PM

    Praying for you Ashley. I hope things in all areas get better for you soon! *Hugs*

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WHIPPEACHZ 6/28/2011 7:52PM

    Just a thought but maybe it's time to make some changes. Find a way to move some of the stress out of your life and maybe try adding something new. This may mean changing jobs, rearranging your schedule, or simply finding a new focus and a way to relax. Don't fight through it, if you know something isn't working make a new plan. You've got the right attitude, but sometimes you have to change your world to fit the new you.

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MAMADWARF 6/28/2011 7:37PM

    see? You didnt even need us! I know when the sugar thing starts getting to be too much, I go back to basics. It is always sooo sneaky how it gets to me! Then the next thing I know the cravings are near uncontrollable. You have to cold turkey it, dude. Just do. NOT. eat. SUGAR. Give it a week. maybe you can try 10 minutes a day? there are super good video's on spark that are easy, quick and it will help get you back on track. You have come a long way and you are stopping yourself before you go too far. That is good work my dear, and very viligant. It is ok to feel what you feel, Ashley. There is alot going on...

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MABTE52 6/28/2011 7:33PM

    Take a breather and try to chillax.

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Lots going on and confronting my mom

Sunday, June 26, 2011

To say I am excited to have started wedding planning is an understatement. We had a long engagement by choice and to be setting a date and making it all official is really cool. It is funny because this is what I do professionally and it is still all I want to talk about so to save my fiancés sanity we decided that we will only do wedding stuff on Saturday's. It was my suggestion because although he is excited and wants to have as much a part in planning as I do but he works 90 hours a week and I don't want to spend his only waking moments talking about nothing but the wedding. We need to have a normal life as well lol.
Yesterday we contacted venues. One of the ones I had been emailing with during the week never sent me a proposal or anything that I had requested and it has been 6 days. I would never let a client of mine wait that long so as far as I am concerned that place is eliminated already if she ever answers me. A Colombian friend told me that the wedding planners there don't make commission so to them a wedding like mine would be considered a hassle so some might blow me off. I hope that isn't the truth because that is a pretty crappy attitude. A called a venue I had found during the week that is gorgeous and has a beautiful outdoor space as well as a ceremony area and a reception hall inside that is beautiful and the wedding planner answered. I could tell by her questions she was really on the ball and spent a good 30 minutes chatting with us and asking us what we wanted. Of all the places we called she was by far the most engaging and she even volunteered to bring in a translator for me when I meet with her and on our wedding day. She also said they would absolutely be willing to work with us in combining both cultures traditions. I most likely won't need the translator but the fact that she has been already so willing to accommodate us makes me think this is the place. Once we have a deposit down I can relax a bit.
My brother in law also proposed to his American girlfriend this week so it looks like there may be 2 weddings a week apart so the family can all travel at the same time. Should be interesting! I was telling my sister in law about it and it turns out her daughter's quinceanera party was supposed to be in September. She wasn't aware of the wedding plans and I could see by her face that it was a bit of a shock and she was upset. (A quinceanera if you don't know is basically their version of a sweet sixteen party but in latin culture it is a huge deal almost as important as a wedding). I didn't know about the party plans so I felt bad and I think we need to have some kind of a family meeting to figure out all these big milestones so everyone is happy and nobody feels resentful. They are all coming over for July 4th so maybe we can chat then. We also got down a preliminary guest list and are starting to think we want to keep it to around 60 people and just have something really nice instead of inviting people we hardly know but "should" invite and having something more generic.
Friday afternoon my mother called and was talking about family stuff and I brought up her lack of support with the whole wedding. At first she was defensive and denied it. Then she admitted that she is concerned about some issues. I told her that she needs to stop thinking about her own needs and preconceived notions about things and be happy for me. I could understand if I was marrying someone I just met but we waited more than 4 years of being engaged and he has been nothing but wonderful to our family. I think the heart of this is she is worried I will move away and she won't see me anymore but she won't admit it. The conversation was very civil and I hope I gave her some things to think about and she said none of this is not about liking my fiancé and she really does think he is great which made me feel better. I am glad I stood up for myself and she will never be the gushing mother of the bride I would like her to be but that is ok. I think if she was too involved it would make me upset as I am very independent so maybe this is the way it is supposed to be.
Weddings are an interesting part of cultures. It is supposed to be a celebration but it often brings out so many family issues and problems. I hope to keep this one as stress and drama free as possible. It should be a celebration of the beginning of our life together and I am really looking forward to it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAIA2011 7/12/2011 12:24AM

    You sound so much more calm and admirable about this than I would be and I am impressed. (I'll bet you are also not hiding somewhere eating nachos the way I would be. Your arms are fierce in your new profile pic!)

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CALIKIKI 7/7/2011 6:46PM

    I can't wait to hear more about your plans and how you blend the two cultures together! I am very excited for you.

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RACINGSLUG 7/6/2011 11:15AM

    So sorry I missed this latest bit of excitement in your life until now! I had no idea your fiance was Colombian or that you speak Spanish! Awesooome. (He works 90 hours a week? That is more than two full-time jobs. That is INSANE.) I'm impressed with how sensitive you've been to the feelings of other family members who have milestones going on in their lives... you're making a lot of good things happen!

And yes, you are so right about family issues coming out of the woodwork... we had more than our share, but it turned out to be the most amazing day anyway, and I know it will be for you too. Congratulations!

Comment edited on: 7/6/2011 11:16:34 AM

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KATHLOW 7/5/2011 9:18AM

    you handled that nicely!

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CJANSEN40 6/30/2011 3:34PM

    I'm glad things are working out. Hope mom becomes more supportive.

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CHICKENCHASER78 6/30/2011 2:48PM

    I'm glad the talk with your Mom went well. I love hearing about the wedding plans!

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MOMMYTO1IN2012 6/27/2011 11:07PM

    Ashley,

Your blog totally resonated with me. I'm marrying in September (less than three montnhs now), and I have a very narcissitic mother. She doesn't listen to me (I mean really lisen, you know), and everything is always about her. I've tried very hard to realize that I will never be able to make her happy and secretly hoping she will change. I've yet to be able to stand up to her, but hopefully I will get to that point just like you did. I really admire your strength and courage, and wish I wasn't a 33 year old woman still controled by her mother.

However, that being said, I've done a good job of planning my wedding with my fiance and keeping external parties out of it. And it's gone so much more smoothly! So kudos to you for sticking with what YOU want! It sounds like you've really got it covered, and I know your wedding weill be beautiful. When is it, by the way?

Thanks so much for writing this and really sparking something in me!

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KAMAPERRY 6/27/2011 10:39PM

    Good for you having that talk with your mom! That was so important!! I am excited about your wedding plans!

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LUCKYDOGFARM 6/27/2011 7:31PM

    Glad things are going well with Mom and the wedding plans!

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ECONLADY 6/27/2011 5:21PM

    I love hearing about your wedding, so please share. I think that I enjoy happiness.

Funny thing is I barely did any of the planning for my wedding. My Mom designed my dress and picked the colors. I just said once and a while. I made the most important decision, the groom.

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CHANGINGELAINE 6/27/2011 5:05PM

    Congrats on your upcoming wedding.
My wedding in 2009 was small and intimate and everyone attending loved it. My hubby and I planned it exactly how we wanted it. We had no stress and the day was beautiful in every way.
I wish you all the best in the coming months of planning.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DUSTYGIRL25 6/27/2011 11:55AM

    I hope your wedding is exactly what You want it to be. I hope everyone understands to leave the drama out of it and just enjoy the planning and being part of the wedding day.
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CAROLCRC 6/27/2011 11:30AM

    Enjoy the planning process as much as possible... I think you are very wise to keep the discussing down to one day a week.

And remember not to stress and just enjoy your day - anything that goes wrong the day of the wedding just becomes a funny story in the years aftewards.

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HEALTHYME229 6/27/2011 9:48AM

    I applaud you for deciding what is best for you and your fiance for your wedding. I am the mother of the bride as my only child is getting married in November. I told her that, unless she is thinking about something really bizarre, to only worry about what the people standing in the front want - not the people who may or may not be sitting in the back. She has done a few things and plans a few other things against what some consider tradition, but it's OK because it is her and her fiance's day - not mine or anyone elses. I hope your mom takes to heart some of the things you told her and remembers that your happiness is the most important. I think a multi-cultural wedding in Columbia sounds like an awesome adventure! Congrats!

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ERIN4771 6/27/2011 8:10AM

    couldn't agree more...i had the big wedding the first time i tied the knot, got hugged by many i didn't even know, but "had" to invite....second time...flew to vegas, then his family had a nice little gathering for us a few weeks later,much more intimate and fun....you have to do what's best for you and your fiance, marriage is more than the wedding, and sometimes i think people forget that.....congrats on setting the wheels in motion for your big day!! i am psyched for you!!

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R0SYJ3WL 6/26/2011 11:52PM

    I totally agree that you should do what YOU want where possible when planning your wedding. My husband and I struggled with making our plans when we were engaged. It was sort of stressful until we finally decided to do things our way, even if it meant pissing a few people off.
We also had a long engagement (2 years seems long enough). We had a simple wedding on the local beach and a small intimate dinner at a restaurant very nearby afterwards to celebrate. We each invited our parents and siblings and the only other person was the minister. We also opted to have a civil ceremony (My mother was disappointed we weren't planning on having a Catholic ceremony in a Catholic church. My husband and I were both raised Catholic, so she assumed we would.)
Since we didn't include our distant relatives or any friends, it sort of raised hurt feelings. We still (a year later) get a sarcastic comment or two about how we must have not considered 'So and So' important enough to invite to our wedding. But I think it was well worth a comment or two.
It isn't anyone's day but your's and your fiance's. You should do what makes you happy when possible. At least that's my opinion and it worked out for us.
emoticon btw on the wedding plans. I'm SO happy for you. I'm glad you're enjoying the planning process. It should be a happy time, not a stressful one. emoticon

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OJIBWEEQUAY 6/26/2011 11:31PM

    I will gush!!! I love weddings! Ohhhh and Columbia?!!!!! Nice!!! Moms are always off I swear! Just thank god you don't have me!!! Lol I am sure I will be super overbearing with my kids!!!! Hey! Just have fun!!!!!!

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HANNAH_CALM 6/26/2011 11:15PM

    Sounds like so much is happening! I'm glad that you had that talk with your mom, and that she does like your fiance after all. Do you really have to miss your niece's quinceanera party? Your sister-in-law must be upset because she thinks that you're really an important part of the family. Maybe you can take her and her mother out to eat or something, after you get back from the wedding and the honeymoon, to help celebrate her new age. That could be something fun. Maybe you could take in a movie. I hope it works out with that perfect place that you found for the wedding!

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COOKWITHME65 6/26/2011 10:09PM

    Glad that you were able to tell your Mom how you felt. I'm so excited for you.

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 6/26/2011 10:05PM

    It is hard to take a stand with a relative, I am glad that you were able to with your mom.

Your plans sound very exciting! Have fun while you are at it!

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MAMADWARF 6/26/2011 9:55PM

    Good for you about your mom, Ashley. Im sure it felt good to tell her how you felt. Cannot wait to hear more about the venue, food, dress, wedding etc.. SO exciting!!

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BTRTHANEVA 6/26/2011 8:10PM

    So glad to hear that things are coming around and that you said your piece to your mom. What really impressed me (not that you haven't impressed me a millions times before) is the respect you have for your fiancé's limited down time - by not talking his ear off about the wedding! I can only imagine how much this means to you, Ashley. Especially after planning this momentous day for so many other brides! Kudos to you!

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DYA177 6/26/2011 7:35PM

    I told you..... Everything works out well in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end !!!! Enjoy the party.

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RACHELRUNS26 6/26/2011 7:29PM

    Our wedding brought out a lot of family issues too, but you just have to roll with it. It sounds like you and your fiance are very level-headed and willing to work things out with everyone. No matter whatever one else thinks (especially your mom) it is the day for the two of you to celebrate your love, and no one can take that away from you. :)

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AMBERROGUE 6/26/2011 7:25PM

    This brings back memories! Long story there, lol.

So glad you stood up for yourself! I know it has to feel good to have all of that off your chest. I hope she can think about things from your point of view and that you can both come to a mutual understanding.

Good luck getting things sorted out so that everyone can have their momentous occasion. I think it's great that you are thinking about other people's events and trying to take them into consideration and plan yours so that they don't conflict. You are a very generous person!

I look forward to hearing how things work out!

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

Today is my one year anniversary

Thursday, June 23, 2011

One year ago today I decided to stop making excuses and really change my life and I did. I gave up lying to myself and everyone around me and started on the path to becoming the person that I wanted to be. I never imagined it would be one of the most difficult, emotional but rewarding times in my life. The first few months were easy and the weight came off quickly. It was easy to become smug and believe I had beat my compulsion to eat forever. Then in fall came the long slow death of my beloved grandmother it it started to get hard for me.

My motivation and frankly my interest started to be tested and I fought back and continued to lose albeit much slower than I had in the summer. I truly believe that your body fights back after the first large loss and that is when it becomes easy to be frustrated and quit. When I hit the 65 lbs lost mark is when I truly started to see how much I had changed physically and I felt I crossed the thresh hold from looking obese to looking just overweight. It was when I started to see people treating me differently, better actually, and that brought about mix emotions of pride and anger. The physical change did not mean I was somehow a better person but that was still the reaction I got and I struggled with processing that.
This spring work took a difficult turn and since March I have being at a stand still. Not giving it my all but still hanging on. Fighting with my shame at not continuing to lose but also resisting the desire to eat my stress away. Without that crutch it has been difficult to find a way to deal with my stress in a productive way. I came close to coping by not caring anymore but I know that if I do that than I will go back to 300+ pounds and I will never go back there. It is too awful of a place for me. I am a million times happier now than I was year ago.
Last night for the first time since I started SP I saw myself in the mirror for what I truly look like. The rose colored glasses of my initial 93 lbs lost have finally come off and I stared at my body objectively. For a long time I had changed so much all I saw was how much better I look and it allowed me to become complacent. The reflection I saw did not fill me with hatred for myself but it did inspire me to get back to focusing on my healthy habits. While I look better I am not where I want to be, by any means, and I am grateful for that moment of clarity.
I can be proud of all I accomplished. I stopped hating myself. I let people into my life. I stopped blaming others for my unhappiness. I can shop in normal stores. I can buy a wedding dress this year. I can go on my honeymoon and swim and spend time at the beach. I stopped lying to myself and the people I can about to feed my addiction. I found the value in the simplicity of a fresh picked strawberry or a walk with my dog. I stopped thinking that a number on a scale would give my life purpose or value. I made some of the most special friendships I have ever had to my life. I made my fiancé prouder of me than I have ever seen him, not because I lost weight but because I kept my promises to him that I would live healthy and I made myself happy.
So as I look ahead for the next year I am ready for the next phase. I had originally typed I was ready to finish but that is another thing I realized. I will never be finished. There is no finish line and it isn't a race. Being jealous of another sparker isn't going to bring me anything good or make my situation different. I am at the place in my journey that I need to be at this moment. I am excited to see what this next year holds for me. I am absolutely positive it is going to be amazing things.
Thank you to all of my beloved SP friends for all of your support this year. It is all of you that helped me do this. You held me up when I was down and cheered me on when I was doing well. I am so very lucky to have each and every one of you. I love you all.
Now lets take this next year by storm.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THESHELBSTER 7/13/2011 9:59PM

    Great blog. You sound amazing. You are beautiful, inside and out. What an inspiration you are.

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CALIKIKI 7/7/2011 6:47PM

    YAY you!

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KATHLOW 7/5/2011 9:16AM

    congratulations on your one year anniversary and your amazing accomplishments. You rock my socks off!

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MEGA_MILES 7/3/2011 7:50AM

    Congrats, wishing you much continued success. You have what it takes...use it!!

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GREENMOUSE 7/2/2011 9:45PM

    Congratulations! And wishing you all success on the upcoming year...for sure it will be filled with more milestones! Thanks for the wisdom!


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JMERLAU 7/2/2011 9:30PM

    Hey Ashley....Happy Anniversary and CONGRATS on all your success!!

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SUSIEWHITE1109 7/2/2011 6:51PM

    Hi Ashley,
Happy Anniversary and congrats on everything you've worked on and through to get here! Reading your story encourages me again...because of how far you've come, and because we share so many of the same "mental" battles!

I salute you, Spark Friend! Keep pushing forward!
Susie

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHICKENCHASER78 6/30/2011 2:52PM

    Happy Anniversary Ashley! Congrats to all you have accomplished in the past year and here is to a lifetime of healthy happy years!

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BRAVEHEART4ME 6/29/2011 2:31PM

  You have done so well, even under some stressful times. You're an inspiration! emoticon

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MUSTANGMISSY 6/28/2011 9:13AM

    Happy Anniversary Ashley! Love your blog and the inspiration that it brings. You've accomplished so much. Congratulations!

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NEENSTER1 6/28/2011 8:28AM

    Happy Anniversary Ashley. I am so very proud of you. One year down and a whole lifetime to go. emoticon Continue to keep up the hard work and be Encouraged. emoticon job. Love you too girl. emoticon

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JBMT08 6/28/2011 8:12AM

    CONGRATS Girl!!!! BRING ON YOUR NEW YEAR!@!! emoticon emoticon

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PJH2028 6/28/2011 8:05AM

    I so relate to the ride as you describe it. Perception is so movable.
May our hearts hold us steady. Sparktastic summer comin' on.
Happy Anniversary 2 u. p

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 6/28/2011 8:01AM

    Brilliant and beautiful, both you and your words. The shiny rose colored glasses... yeah, I have definitely had that moment too and the way you wrote it really resonated with me. Thank you.

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GOIN4GR8 6/28/2011 12:30AM

    I can SO identify with your comments about getting complacent as you watched yourself start to look better! You put it into words perfectly. I've called it "getting stupid" on my own page. :-)

Anyway, I'm glad for your moment of clarity, too, because you've come SO far, it would be a shame to get complacent at this point. You must feel incredible (not to mention how great you look).

Here's to another year of success!

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DWILCZKO 6/28/2011 12:15AM

  great job!

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SLIMTHICK2 6/27/2011 6:50PM

    emoticon all the best to you!

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STACIBUK 6/27/2011 4:43PM

  emoticon

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CALLEN42 6/27/2011 4:39PM

  today is my first day...I pray in one year I am where you are now...w/my weight and my emotions...THANK YOU Ashley

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2BFREE2LIVE 6/27/2011 1:57PM

    emoticonon your emoticon anniversary. You have done very well. Best wishes on the upcoming events in your life and on this next year with Sparks. Your going to reach that goal, just stay focused and dream your dreams. Sandy

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VONNIE41 6/27/2011 1:16PM

    Since I started in March, I have not been consistent with my nutrition or exercise. I know I want to do this, but I keep letting myself give up. The one thing it doesn't do is discourage me to continue. After reading your blog, I know it is a learning process every day! Congrats on your one year. emoticon

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JULIA1154 6/27/2011 12:32PM

  Congratulations, Ashley, and many thanks for a very thoughtful post. I suspect you've voiced what most of us have felt on many issues.

One way to re-frame "plateaus" is to think of them as your body taking time to consolidate its loses. I think of them as being "stable" rather than "plateaus" and, while I don't want to quit losing, I do try to make the most of these periods. It gives you, your mind and your body time to get comfortable with the reality of being smaller, healthier, more active and more involved. As long as you're not throwing in the towel, you're ahead in the game, and that's what counts.

I'm really impressed by the way you've persevered. Enjoy your successes. I know there will be MANY more.

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PAWSINAZ 6/27/2011 12:04PM

    emoticon

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MISSM66 6/27/2011 11:38AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ROJAKHAN 6/27/2011 11:14AM

    emoticon emoticon

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NENELALA 6/27/2011 10:00AM

    Congratulations on your anniversary! It's Monday morning and I got off to a rough start. Reading this was exactly what I needed to get me going today. Thanks!

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FINALLYBEINGME 6/27/2011 9:53AM

    Thanks for such a heartfelt post about all the real issues that all of us go through. Congratulations on accomplishing so much! emoticon

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MCHILSTR 6/27/2011 9:38AM

  What a wonderfully mature approach! emoticon

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KIN59VARA 6/27/2011 9:22AM

    Happy Anniversary! emoticon



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JLEMUS1 6/27/2011 8:40AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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THEIS58 6/27/2011 6:27AM

    emoticon emoticon

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SCHENPOSSIBLE 6/27/2011 12:01AM

    good for you!

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COOKWITHME65 6/26/2011 9:47AM

    Congratulations on your one year anniversary Ashley! You have done amazing and are such an inspiration to me as well as many others I'm sure. You have such an exciting year ahead of you. I'm so happy for you.

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MSANITAL 6/26/2011 8:02AM

    Conrats girl you have worked hard and all the work you have done you deserve all the rewards that life has, I so can relate to the feeling diffrent and looking diffrent after a large weight loss, sometimes it is hard for me to accept it and I look at my old photos and say I am still that person when in fact I am not nor are you you are much healthyier stronger and happier, stay on the journey my friend there is so much out there for you and us

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LINDYLIME 6/25/2011 8:45AM

    I hope that by my one year anniversary, I can look back and feel the same sense of achievment as you do. Well done and thanks for sharing your journey with us. emoticon

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STASKER 6/24/2011 2:03PM

  Congrats!!! hope this year will bring you much success and happiness!!!! You seem like a very level headed and strong woman. I'm sure you can do whatever you set your mind to!

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RIGBY31 6/24/2011 1:40PM

    Beautiul Ashley... You are an amazing woman and inspire me.

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HOPE2011 6/24/2011 10:37AM

    Congrats on all you've accomplished!! And Happy Sparkversary!

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HANNAH_CALM 6/24/2011 9:16AM

    Happy Anniversary! You should be proud of all you've accomplished so far!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BARBARAROSE54 6/24/2011 9:15AM

    emoticon congratulations on Sparking for one year, you have done fantastic.

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TRIGRAMPS 6/24/2011 7:26AM

    WTG! It's hard to hang in there. Here's that chocolate cake that you wanted: emoticon

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APPLES20 6/24/2011 7:04AM

    That was a terrific read. Congratulations on your one year, and your amazing successes. Yes, the next year will be equally as great or better!

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ECONLADY 6/23/2011 11:51PM

    Way to Go! You should look at being a motivational speaker!

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MIRACLELOVE77 6/23/2011 11:42PM

    congrats :) i'm glad you got to see yourself and your life for the beautiful things they are! happy anniversary!

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LKEITHO 6/23/2011 10:40PM

    Congratulations on your anniversary!

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LUCKYDOGFARM 6/23/2011 10:14PM

    Happy Anniversary Ashley!

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OJIBWEEQUAY 6/23/2011 6:50PM

    Its hard to REALLY look at yourself. But now that you have, use it as motivation!!! That's what I have done! The second half of my journey, I am taking by storm!!!I used to wonder how others had the motivation to make it to their goal quicker then I. I guess we all secretly have an envy monster within us!!!! emoticon

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BADASSBLONDIE 6/23/2011 5:02PM

    Happy Anniversary!!!!!! Thank you for being honest about your struggles. It helps me feel less crazy and alone. We can do this! :D

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DIANA_IS_BACK 6/23/2011 4:14PM

    congrats on your continued success! emoticon

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CJANSEN40 6/23/2011 4:03PM

    Happy sparkaversary you've come a long way baby!

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Family disappointment

Saturday, June 18, 2011

I called my brother last night to vent about my mother's total lack of desire to have any involvement in my wedding beyond criticism and repeatedly questioning if this is what I want. She is one of those people who thinks the United States is the best place in the world and everywhere else is horrible and she is scared to leave the country. Actually, she is scared to leave her small town as well. The level of paranoia she has is close to mental illness in my opinion but she also would never admit she isn't perfect so that can't be the case.

According to my brother she thinks my fiancé is a "phase" and basically I am just going to make another mistake by marrying him and that she will have to give me money to get out of it. That is the root of all evil in my family. Money. That is all everyone on her side cares about and now that my grandmother died the level of greed I am witnessing is even more than I could have imagined. Apparently she has never said these words but I think he is right. She also went and tried to convince him not to attend my wedding in Colombia because she doesn't want him to leave the country. He is so excited to go that he has been telling everyone and anyone that will listen.
The more that I am thinking about my mothers behavior the more sad and disappointed I have become. I always listened to her about my father and taken her side of everything. I trusted her. Now I am starting to see a lot of lies and I am questioning everything. It hurts me that she has the attitude that because I had a brief marriage in my early 20's I don't deserve to have one now with the love of my life. I never asked her for a dime for either one. I would never ask her for money now.
To give up everything and follow my dreams is something I am proud of but she is still bitter about it. Maybe because she chose to stay with someone for 29 years that she never loved. I refuse to spend my life scared. To hide in my house and huddle together with my nickels and judge everyone else. Life is too short and I wish she would have chosen differently but we can't decide other people's lives for them. We each have our own path. Some paths lead to adventure and greatness and some to small lives in small towns. Whatever makes us comfortable. I am lucky to have my brother and friends who support me and are excited for me. A woman at my work came to me and offered to go to dress appointments etc with me if I wanted because she never had kids and would love to help out. It really touched my heart to see such kindness. My path is going to lead to some pretty amazing places and anyone who doesn't choose to come along with me is the one losing out.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIMPLE_TAILOR 7/9/2011 12:03AM

    That is sad. I know if I were in your situation, my dad wouldn't go. He would travel within the states and Canada, but anything further would be out of the question. He would enjoy it if he got there though.

I'm glad that he hasn't denied my Mom any trip that she wants to go on.

I look forward to continuing to hear about the wedding (and PICTURES!!!)

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NORAHNICK 7/6/2011 7:15PM

    You've gotta do what you've gotta do but try to be patient with your Mom. I dont' have kids but I'd be terrified if my baby girl was taking off to Colombia to get married too. Just because I know nothing about it and all you hear is drugs!!!

I know! Educate her! Have the fiance sit down with the two of you and show her pictures of how nice it is there and where exactly you're going on a map and just whatever tangible stuff he can give her. Something she can see with her own eyes.

Good luck!

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MADEMCHE 6/22/2011 11:11AM

    Ash I think you mother is just scared. Scared of life and scared for you. If she never does anything then she can't be hurt and so this is her way of protecting herself. And she thinks that will work for you as well. If you never do anything, nothing will ever go wrong. But we both know that is a lie. So do your own thing, be happy, get married and have a wonderful life with A. I hope that she will come around. And if that doesn't, I hope that you know that your happiness and well being is more important. Love you. Hugs a million times over.

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CHICAT63 6/21/2011 4:15PM

    I totally understand your situation with your Mom. I went through the same thing with my Dad for my 1st wedding...had to pay his tux for him to wear one! You have amazing friends and your brother is there go on, she will be the one left out. This is a joyous, happy celebration and unfortunately single-minded people don't always join in.

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OCTOBER2842 6/21/2011 9:15AM

    It sounds as if you are able to make your own decision and will Do that. Too bad for your mom, it is her choice. Move on without her. Some day she will want your love. I hope it won't be too late for her. I feel sorry for selfish people like her. They miss out on the most beautiful things in life.

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KLASSIE 6/20/2011 8:29PM

    Congratulations on your wedding and I'm sorry your mom is not on board with you. I hope things will eventually work out for you both. Try to keep open arms and a tender heart for her and pray that God will bless you both with a better relationship.

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BADASSBLONDIE 6/20/2011 4:40PM

    *hugshard*

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BTRTHANEVA 6/20/2011 4:24PM

    hmmmm... a mother you can't and will never be able to please. gee, I know what that's all about!
The most important thing I've learned in my 55 years of living is to live my life for me as well as to treat people with respect. Both lessons came later than sooner...
I'm not far from you and come into Quincy at least a couple of times a week. So if you need any positive mother mentoring, please feel free to ask! I've been blessed to have the world's most wonderful mother-in-law (Miss Daisy), daughter-in-law, (Miss Charity), daughter (Miss Stephanie) and surrogate daughter (Miss Liz, my next door neighbor whom I assisted with her wedding plans by making her save the date cards as well as having all the pre-wedding pictures at my home). Funny that although I never got the love I wanted or needed from my own mother, I'm able to give and receive that to the other important women in my life. So I can really relate to what you're feeling.
Please let me know if there's anything you need a hand for. I'd be more than happy to assist (especially as I'm not working anymore!!!)
Sending lots of love and positive energy your way,
Christelle

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BELLALUCIA 6/20/2011 3:55PM

    I'm sorry your Mom is a manipulative wench but don't worry about her, live your life sweetie. U are a treasure and don't ever forget that!

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CYNDERROSE 6/20/2011 12:09PM

    emoticon Your mom sounds a lot like my mother. She moved to Singapore with my dad for a 3 year job, but was so negative about being around people of other cultures that it was a miserable experience for her.

Sometimes the people who should be there for us are the ones who hurt us the most. Don't let her current negative behavior hang a cloud over your big day.

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 6/20/2011 11:42AM

    I'm so sorry your mom isn't more supportive. Sounds like jealousy to me. Sometimes, unfortunately, parents aren't meant to be part of the big picture in our lives. (Saying this out of experience) I hope it doesn't end up that way for you but you need to ask yourself if the relationship is 1) worth fixing and 2) is SHE willing to do her part to fix it. You can't do it alone.

Regardless of her attitude, your wedding will be beautiful, your marriage long and your "phase" will last a lifetime! So pffft to mama!

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KELCEE75 6/20/2011 11:02AM

    I totally understand what you’re going through. I had no support from my parents when I got married and only support from my sister when it was convenient for her. Long story short, none of them showed up for my wedding. It was such a good wonderful day that all I could think of is that they missed out big time. It changed things and relationships and I know I grieved a bit when the changes happened (for what was…or what I had perceived the relationships to be) but in the end I had to do what was best for me. I know I’m living my best healthy life right now, and it’s their loss for not coming along for the ride. You have to do what’s best for you and what will make you happy not anyone else. :)

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TREASURINGLIFE 6/20/2011 10:44AM

    Rock on girl. I'm sorry your mom is acting in such an unsupportive way, but thank goodness you have amazing friends and other family members to support you and help you enjoy all the blessings of your life. That, my friend, is good stuff! :)

- Michelle

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TEEMARIE_2011 6/20/2011 9:38AM

    Well one thing I have learned is in regards to relationships and pretty much anything else is life my mother was always right! hind sight 20/20 I should have listened. But she also never put me down she let me make my own mistakes in sense

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ERIN4771 6/20/2011 6:51AM

    families are challenging all right....it's hard when the "light" goes on, so to speak, but the others in the room are still looking for the switch....you definitely have to follow your own path, find your own happiness, and not let her attitude towards the whole thing get you down...i am a firm believer that just because you gave birth, doesn't automatically make you a parent...being supportive, caring, loving and not jealous, now those are good qualities in a parent....stay focused on the path you are on and continue to be on my friend, if people want to join you on it, they can lace up some sneakers and make it so.... emoticon

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KATHLOW 6/20/2011 5:23AM

    i'm sorry about this, but you're right, you can't change someone. I hope you can still enjoy the preparations, albeit with somone else. Hugs, Kath

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CANNIE50 6/20/2011 12:37AM

    "I refuse to spend my life scared." I think that is the crux of the problem, at least in my experience. I have experienced some of what you are dealing with. I think there are basically two ways to go through life, in fear or on faith. The two sides have a hard time understanding each other. I am with you, though. I listen to fear in case there is something there I need to discover but I am not going to be ruled by it every day of my life. You have a new family now. It's sad that your mother isn't being open and respectful about your choices but, fortunately, she is not in charge of your life. I love the offer your co-worker made - what a sweet gesture. It is nice that your brother is so supportive. You will have plenty of love at your wedding. Maybe your mom will come to your 25th wedding anniversary party ;) emoticon

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SCHENPOSSIBLE 6/19/2011 11:39PM

    I'm glad you've made a decision to be positive and not let fear cripple you. Hopefully your mother will come around and be there for your special day. And you're right, you're lucky to have a group of people who support and are happy for your joyous upcoming nuptials.

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MAMADWARF 6/19/2011 11:29PM

    Hey ash. I can hear the pain in your words but also the resolve to have a different kind of life. I do not know your fiance but I know from you that he is a wonderful man, who stands by your side, will fight for you, laugh with you and support you. What else could anyone ask for? You have your own life to live and you are doing it. With or without your mother. I will be your mother and you have my blessing (but I dont think I can make the wedding...rofl.). Hugs to you, my girl!

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SAMMYSWEETPEA 6/19/2011 10:19PM

    Your mom sounds like my dad. Instead of being proud of what I'm accomplishing in my life, his jealousy means he has to try pulling me back down to his level.

My dad also discouraged me from travelling anywhere. I had the chance to go to Russia when I was in high school and it was the best experience of my life.

Stay your course. You know your heart.

And I bet you & your brother are going to have an AWESOME time in Columbia!

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STLSUE01 6/19/2011 7:10PM

  I understand your frustration and hurt. I am sorry. huggz.

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NMK1980 6/19/2011 6:14PM

    There is definitely greatness and adventures for the small live, small town folk like me;) Its all about attitude, and unfortunately your mom doesn't have a positive one. But I get your point:)

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AMBERROGUE 6/19/2011 4:56PM

    I know we don't know each other, but I was browsing pages and ran across yours. First, congrats on losing 90 pounds!! Way to go!

You sound like a very strong, independent woman! It's wonderful to hear that you're following your heart and living your life and that you have friends and family who do support you. It also sounds like you can set aside the anger and sadness you feel because of your mother's words and actions so that you can move on with your life. That's not an easy thing to do and I think it's awesome that you are following your heart!

Congrats on your upcoming wedding! I hope you'll post pictures!

All the best,
Amber

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BETHV10 6/19/2011 4:10PM

    Unfortunately we can't pick our families. However,you have a great brother and friends who will be very happy for you to marry the love of your life.

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RIGBY31 6/19/2011 3:04PM

    Oh Ashley, I sooo get this! My family will not come to Massachusetts from Calif for my daughters wedding because they don't see the point. Family can be freaky, just choose not to participate in their freak show. Your brother sounds like a sweety. When is your wedding? How exciting!

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OJIBWEEQUAY 6/19/2011 1:35PM

    Moms can be wacky!!!I hope not to turn out like either of mine LOL emoticon

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LEANNROCKS 6/19/2011 11:44AM

    Ash, you said it - everyone chooses their own path. YOU have to live the one you've chosen. Go For It With Passion.

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CJANSEN40 6/19/2011 10:42AM

    There's alot of advice out there but just because you love your mother doesn't mean you have to like her. Gather close friends about you and go on with your life. A close relationship with mom is great but some moms can't handle it. ((hugs)) and prayers for you

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GIANTMICROBE 6/19/2011 9:59AM

    I'm sorry Ashley. My mom likes to be miserable too. I'll spare you the long story but basically I realized that that's she way she chooses to be. I can't help her because she doesn't want helped. I got out and started living my own life the way I saw fit. And you do the same emoticon

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SEESTARS 6/19/2011 8:44AM

    You're right. It is a major disappointment when your own parents don't want to support your marriage. I have had to watch it with my husband and his parents. And there was a good deal of overflow to me as well. They couldn't even give their gift graciously, saying "I guess this is want you wanted because it was on your registry." *shrug* Neither of them make a toast (both my parents AND step father did) They left the wedding early while we stayed with my parents and some friends to pack gifts, clean, and have a final round of hugs with those closest to us.

It was heartbreaking. I think the worst part was that our guests could tell that they were not supportive. But you have to just adopt the attitude to brush it off because those non-supporters are the ones loosing out (as you said so well at the end of your blog). And it sounds like you have a great many others standing behind you to support you. Hold your head high and deal with your mother on your terms when it comes to the wedding. It is sad she is not on board, but you have to play the long game. Eventually she may come around and see your happiness is not a phase. My in-laws are finally starting to... after ONLY 2 years post wedding. LOL

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MIZCATHI 6/19/2011 8:41AM

    Although our family's opinions are important to us, I found that what is truly important is how I feel, and I have to suck it up. I can't change anyone, only myself. I've learned to put blinders on and not take their opinions to heart. It's not easy, I know.

At my age, I've discovered that people are WEIRD. They come in all shapes and sizes, colors, and opinions. Each is uniquely shaped because of genetics, location, and raising. What they say and judge means squat when it comes to anyone outside themselves.

As long as you are honest with yourself, work hard to climb out of denial, and follow your heart, you cannot go wrong. And when you make a mistake, start over. We only live once.

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HANNAH_CALM 6/19/2011 8:00AM

    I'm sorry about how your mother's being. Some people develop such a fear of marriage, they think everyone is making a mistake when they get together. That could be the problem. Or is she annoyed that your fiance's from another ethnic group? "Just a phase" sounds really harsh! So maybe that's the case, or part of it. It doesn't seem like you'll have time to win your mother over before the wedding. I hope you'll still be able to enjoy it, and have many happy memories.

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_AIYANNA_ 6/19/2011 5:05AM

    Hello Ashley,

Although we're not Spark friends I couldn't help but relate to your story. Sadly my father is a lot like your mum and lets his fears and insecurities govern his life. He's such a control freak that he told me on my wedding day that he bet I would be divorced within the year just because he didn't want me to get married :( Needless to say that I have been married for 17 years and now my husband and I have a loving family with two lovely children and my father still believes that I have failed him.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that you need to live your life as you see fit and try and see past the negativity of other people. It's sad when such people are members of our own family and especially our parents, but at least we can choose to surround ourselves with other people who love us and respect us.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and I wish you all the best in your life.

Elen xxx

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GIRANIMAL 6/19/2011 3:05AM

    Fear sure can do terrible things to people -- including belittle their own children. It's really very sad to me. I applaud your courage to live your life by following your own heart!

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CINDERELLA_MAN 6/19/2011 2:55AM

    Congratulations on your upcoming wedding emoticon

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ANGELOO29 6/18/2011 10:08PM

    At least you have some people in your life supporting you (as well as your friends here). I am sure your wedding will be special and beautiful and those that miss out will be sorry they did.

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LUCKYDOGFARM 6/18/2011 9:06PM

    that is a bummer Ashley. i am sure that your Mom is really struggling. if you seriously think those thoughts about your Mom, you might do yourselves a favor with a bit of intervention or at least a heated talk. it will wind up ugly if you don't confront her, as an adult and discuss this.

you may never find resolution for it, but at least it will all be out in the open. take a referee and a note pad.

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DYA177 6/18/2011 8:43PM

    Family is a trip. You story reminds me of my mother is a odd way. Many people are afraid of change. Fear is a crippling thing, but when you transcend that fear to your children, that's abuse, if you ask me. For instance my children's father is afraid of planes. Never flown. It took him YEARS for him to sign the application for passports for my children because HE is afraid of flying and therefore his children SHOULD be too. Isn't that ridiculous? Do you,sister girl. Your mom is missing out. But please don't spend your time venting about your mom. She will never change and you are just spending wasted time venting when you can spend being excited about your upcoming nuptials and your new life.

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MELLYBEANS0919 6/18/2011 8:39PM

    Sorry your mom is making life so difficult for you. But we cannot change people sadly. Do what you want to do, knowing it makes you happy and you do deserve love and a wonderful marriage too. I hope your day turns out to be a beautiful one and everything you have wanted.

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ECONLADY 6/18/2011 8:24PM

    I'm probably old enough to be your mother and if I was your mom I would be very proud of you. It is hard to face our challenges and win. Take your friend up on her offer and surround yourself with friends who want to support you on your journey. Please blog about your wedding, I want to hear about it. That means the good, the bad and the ugly! I'm here!

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CRESHA20 6/18/2011 8:03PM

    That really sucks about your mom. This is a time where you really do need support from people. Sometimes the most help will come from the people you least expect it from. I hope all of your wedding planning goes beautifully.

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MADDEELOU 6/18/2011 8:02PM

    emoticon Ashley, I do not know who I am sadder for you--you or your mother. Actually, I do know and it is your mother. You are an amazing woman and living an amazing life. She is missing out on so much. I hope you take your work friend up on her offer. You will both be all the better for it.

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