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Mourning my boobs

Sunday, July 17, 2011

One of the first places I noticed the weight loss was in my chest. At 345 pounds I wore a size 46/48 E. I was in denial they were that big and wore bras too small and had major spillage. Part of my size denial was not buying bras in the correct size so I didn't have to face how large I had become. As I shrank smaller and smaller so did my chest until the point where my bras were as ridiculously huge as my old clothes. A good bra can change how clothes fit and how we present ourselves so this weekend I decided to finally invest in some that fit me correctly.
The size shocked me. I have lost 4 cups sizes and 4 band inches. FOUR! It was a bit shocking and upsetting truthfully. When you are morbidly obese it is desexualizing. You aren't often treated as a woman. Having big boobs was one of my only ways of feeling like a woman and feeling sexy. I know I am not alone in this. Cleavage attracts attention, usually not the good kind, but it was attention and I craved it. Accepting my smaller size is part of this life change and it is a little hard. The more attention I am attracting for me, not just my boobs, is overwhelming and sometimes I feel like I don't even know how to deal with it socially. I get embarrassed sometimes.
I don't have the fat to hide behind anymore and I had not realized how much life would change socially. I thought as I lost weight it would get better, easier. Don't get me wrong. Things have gotten better in many ways, but the adjustment to my changing body and the changes to my social environment have been more difficult than I imagined they would be. It is an every changing process of saying goodbye to things that were a constant and adjusting to the new.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PINK-PEONY 7/28/2011 9:11PM

    What I'm having trouble not freaking out about is a) flying squirrel skin flaps between my armpits and elbows and b) smocking on my lower abdomen. The more I lose, the looser my flaps get, no shrinkage in sight. I repeat "it's better deflated than it was inflated" every time I feel myself panicking about it like a mantra. :) Glad I'm not the only one having trouble with re-entry damage.


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INSHAPE2011 7/26/2011 9:09AM

    Smaller boobs I could cope with but deflated ones (maybe it is an age thing) is a bit harder to get used to. And yes to SARAHNICOLE__17 comment - my fingers have shrank also which is one of the things I like as I can now once more wear my wedding band and engagement ring (sad isn't it but I would rather not wear them than have them made bigger and admit I was so obese)! All good changes but changes none the less.

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SARAHNICOLE__17 7/26/2011 2:16AM

    Tell me about it! I went from a C34 to a B34. My boobs seemed to shrink overnight. Nothing fits anymore! I have been wearing sports bras to work and inserting a cup inside so that it looks more like a traditional bra. Have you noticed a difference in the size of your fingers? I hear that's common. So far, I haven't.

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GIRANIMAL 7/21/2011 2:15PM

    Sadly, I understand too! Mine have shrunk two cup sizes and two band size as well, and I was only a 38C at my largest -- ample, but not huge. And like you, I was/am very alarmed by it. I also thought my bust was my one clearly feminine and attractive feature, and without it I've had a bit of an identity crisis.

I am starting to feel proportionate again, but the sagginess (in my tummy too!) is highly unattractive and I am very self-conscious about it now. emoticon

As for the awkwardness of changing bodies in general, I recall the first time I "squeezed" unnecessarily into a seat on the train. The woman besides me said, "It's OK, honey, you have plenty of room." I relaxed and, sure enough, there was tons of space around me! LOL Felt good but also really silly and weird.

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JAN1031 7/20/2011 7:18AM

    I feel you my friend, I too have lost there first ans I don't have too much to lose. LOL
I'm just happy I'm losing. You look great keep it up.

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JOANLR 7/19/2011 6:46PM

    I know how you feel, although I never had much there to lose! It's the irony of losing weight, that it never comes off where we want it to! emoticon

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HEALTHDUDE 7/19/2011 5:24PM

    Isn't that the way it always goes. And do you want to know something else, guess where the LAST place you will lose your weight......Butt of course. Ha!!

Try adding Pec Flys to your workouts. This will help lift the girls.

Comment edited on: 7/19/2011 5:25:13 PM

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CJANSEN40 7/19/2011 2:24PM

    It is very hard. It really does change the way everyone interacts with you. women act different because they see you as a "threat". men act different because now you are "available" it's crazy how people looks change everything. when we are supposed to look at character not appearance per all the integration education we've had!

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TULIPAN2 7/19/2011 4:17AM

    I lost my boobs also!!! My problem was that I never actully had them, so after I lost 12 pounds I went from 34A to 32AA!!! emoticon

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CHAR1970 7/19/2011 12:51AM

    You are still feminine and still have a bust line. You`re looking great!

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SIMPLYSMITTY 7/18/2011 8:26PM

    I have gained and lost 95 pounds, and not one time has my bra or cup size went up or down. I'll be gettng a boob job when i'm done losing me weight, my shoulders hurt so bad all day everyday. I do not want my chest smaller or bigger, just firm.

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BADASSBLONDIE 7/18/2011 7:03PM

    I've dropped 2 cup sizes thus far, so I definitely understand. *hugshard* It's hard having people *notice* you, even if you thought it was what you wanted. *hugs*

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SEPPIESUSAN 7/18/2011 5:32PM

    My mother-in-law and I were looking at old pictures yesterday and in one I was on the heavier side and wearing a tight sweater and she said, "Look how big your boobs were!" Awkward!! :)

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GBSLIM 7/18/2011 2:23PM

    I would gladly donate mine to you if I could. I'm with CARMINACG. Can't wait for these back breakers to shrink. Look out frillies here I come.

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SUZYGREENBERG94 7/18/2011 1:49PM

    goodbye balloons, hello raisins. at least that's how i felt. However I'll take these raisins over balloons and shortness of breath any day.

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TOFUCUTIEPIE 7/18/2011 1:44PM

    I hear ya. I lost a lot in my chest too. At first, I was ok with it but to me, it seems like it makes my stomach stick out more now. I used to smash myself into a 44DDD (cup size-wise I think I was stills too small) and now I am at a 38D. They are still there but they are not like they used to be. I don't have much cleavage anymore. Oh well. I guess its like going through growth spurts—first you grow taller and look skinny or gain some weight and not grow taller and look fat. I see it with my kids and I keep telling myself, the rest of their body just needs to catch up. I need to heed my own advice on this one!


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NCPRINCESS7 7/18/2011 12:26PM

    I am so right there on that page with you girl. That is one of the areas that I notice a huge difference...I hate it...I want

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L3DESIGNS 7/18/2011 11:59AM

    I can understand your frustration.... I went from a 34/36DD to a 30/32AA...

But a good bra does wonders! You are beautiful!

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MIRACLELOVE77 7/18/2011 11:57AM

    I was literally JUST thinking about this this morning! I have lived life proud of my C cups, even though sometimes they spilled out of cute dresses I wanted to buy (or defiantly bought cuz they were too cute to pass up), or gave me too crazy cleavage...but I'm definitely noticing that they're getting smaller and a little saggy (!!!). Too bad there's no exercises to keep them from shrinking! :( The upside is that those dresses that I did manage to squeeze my boobs into are now looking a lot better. lol

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CARMINACG 7/18/2011 11:51AM

    I went from a 38DD to a C34. I was bumbed a first but then I noticed that bra shopping became MUCH cheaper. I could pick out the cute sets (even ones with push up's) and matching undies! It was like a whole new door opened up :) At first I thought I looked unproportioned but I noticed my back pain started to go away, I would stand up straighter, i could wear shirts I wouldnt have even thought would look good before. So I would say the loss was a blessing. I do believe in whatever size you are along the journey the money spent is a drop in the bucket to have a bra that fits, doesnt give you spillage, and inhanses your curves! :)

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BOBF15 7/18/2011 11:46AM

    emoticon emoticon Comments... LOL, from a guy!

This is like jogging along the MTA tracks on the ties, and hoping you don't hit the 3rd rail. But here goes...

First of all, a gentleman should be looking and focusing on your eyes. If a woman dresses fashionably she can do this.

Also men appreciate 'curves' if that ain't so, why do they have a workout place for that.

Now, if you want 'boobs' then there is a place for that, it is a restaurant, with lots of greasy, fattening foods... H emoticon emoticonTERS.

'Nuff said.

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JPAMPY 7/18/2011 11:29AM

    Geez ladies, I wish I had your problems. I have always been an A cup. Since I had children and breast fed them both, my small A went down to a smaller AA. I buy Victoria Secret bras so I can look like I have boobs. Breast tissue is just fatty tissue. It would make sense that since you're losing fat, the boob fat will melt away too. Some great ways to increase the impression of larger boobs is by doing push ups, wide and normal. Chest flys and bench press. You can always build the pec muscles underneath to give yourself the extra boost. That is what I have started doing. I wont get a boob job, but I can boost up the muscle underneath to have the appearence of larger boobs. emoticon

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CHRISTINA791 7/18/2011 10:42AM

    I was feeling a bit of the same thing. I've always been busty (I actually had a reduction at 19), and at some point into the weight loss I looked in the mirror and realized just how shrunken my boobs looked. All I could see where these little booblets sitting on the giant rib cage that was starting to show now that my fat was going away. I think I had a bit of the same thing going on: I carried all my weight in the torso, but hey, at least I could look down and see my own cleavage instead of my belly sticking out below.

Then someone at work commented that another co-worker was asking if I'd had a boob job. I looked at myself objectively instead of comparing what I used to look like, and my rack's looking pretty damn good these days. It just takes a while to wrap your mind around the change in proportion.

A new bra does wonders, too. My old bras make me feel like my breasts are lost in the giant cups they used to fill - which is why I splurged on some of the sexy lacy bras that I could never get into before.


eta: I hear you on proportion. I do think there's a bit of catch-up that needs to happen, but in the meantime, a well fitted bra can help a lot with that.

Comment edited on: 7/18/2011 10:44:55 AM

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HEALTHYASHLEY 7/18/2011 10:37AM

    I don't look proportionate anymore which is why I am frustrated. Now I still look overweight with a chest too small for my frame. Grrr

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ELENA_DIEM 7/18/2011 10:33AM

    I hear you. I tell myself that I would be madly disproportionate if my boobs didn't shrink along with the rest of me. You will adjust to your new body :)
I recently got a bra that fit correctly and it made me so happy. It was good for my self-esteem, but also a milestone in what will be a long series of "wake-up calls" that my body is changing and getting smaller. And it's ok.

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SEESTARS 7/18/2011 9:53AM

    Ash. I'm so glad you went to get fitted. Something like 2 out of 3 women don't wear a correctly sized bra. So you were not alone. And you are right, it makes such a huge difference in how your clothes fit . Which in turn will help you show off all that hard work you have been doing to lose weight.

I'm the total freak who does not seem to lose the boob (started at a 38F and now a 34H). Being busty is nice. But proportion would be nice too. Big boobs make you look fatter than you actually are. The grass is always greener in someone else's yard.... isn't it.

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COUCHDIVA333 7/18/2011 7:43AM

    i went from a 40C to a 36C. doesn't sound like much, but for me it is. and they aren't pretty now. i have the boobs of an 80 year old. i almost lost 80 pounds and i have a whole new set of body image issues i am going thru. i guess that's the price we pay for doing this to our bodies.
we are on the right path now and we will take what this journey gives us and work thru it because we are strong and we deserve this.

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KATHLOW 7/18/2011 4:43AM

    I know! Why it just won't go off our tummies, i'll never know :-)

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COOKWITHME65 7/17/2011 11:44PM

    I love Victorias's secret Ashley. But I haven't been able to buy a bra there for several years. I just treat by self with panties on occasion. I have so many Bras that just don't fit any more but I wont get rid of them as they are so pretty. Currently at a 44 did but usually a 38 D. Who knows where we shall end up but you are beautiful no matter what. Rember that.

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LILLI56 7/17/2011 11:20PM

    I had mine reduced from a jj to a c. My husband says that he misses them, but I sure don't. I did this in 2000, and now since I haven't lost much weight mine are still the same. I hope they don't disappear when I reach my goal, but if they do it is still better than the creases I have on my shoulders trying to hold the watermelons up. emoticon

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MAMADWARF 7/17/2011 11:18PM

    reading the comments, I would say you are preaching to the choir, honey.
48/50 d to a 38 c which is awesome cause I bought my first victoria secret bra which was cool. Of course, the boobs are not as full now and are having tat deflated balloon affect like my tummy and my thighs.. . for every thing positive, there is a negative and vice versa I guess. Thank god for undergarments that we can PUSH 'em up!!! Love ya ash!

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PGNBRI 7/17/2011 10:02PM

    The best part about going down in bra sizes (for me anyway) is that I can buy pretty bras now! When you're a 46 H your pickings are very slim and not exactly sexy!!

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TUBLADY 7/17/2011 9:47PM

    I do understand, I went from a 44/46 DD to a 38C. But the bust is in proportion to the rest of my body. If I wanted bigger boobs I would have them enlarged. But I don't. I love the fact that regular sized clothes fit now. Everything is just about right. All I have to do is lose more in the waist.
Take care and stay positive. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KAMAPERRY 7/17/2011 9:33PM

    It is totally an adjustment, and not always easy. You are doing great!

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MELLYBEANS0919 7/17/2011 8:50PM

    Being an A cup myself I don't see much going away haha. But I understand how your boobs could be such a big deal, and something you enjoyed having even. I think most of us have gained weight due to emotional issues, and not having that to guard us, makes us feel very vulnerable. But you are worth every bit of it, and you are still sexy without big boobs :-)

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ECONLADY 7/17/2011 6:47PM

    For some reason we always lose it in the breast first.

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 7/17/2011 6:34PM

    I hear got ya! I went from a 48D and now a 38B. My boobs are gone, and my body is smaller. I have the same feelings about trying to adjust. I almost feel worse about this body, than I did my 307 pound self. I'm sure I'll feel better when all is said and done. I hope you will too. *HUGS*

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OJIBWEEQUAY 7/17/2011 6:12PM

    I KNOW!!!!!!!!!! Well I have compensate for the loss of my FULL C cup(now barely a C) with muscle! YES! DO some more bench presses and flys and you will love the new chest!

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NINNY165 7/17/2011 6:01PM

    I know what you mean. At one point , I was 48DDD or bigger. I just would not buy a bigger size. I lost to a 34DD.( currently a 36D). I guess it is true that they are mostly fat. emoticon emoticon on all your hard work & efforts...Funny thing that when I was that big there were not pretty bras that I could purchase.

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BECOMING_HOLLY 7/17/2011 5:45PM

    emoticon on the progress you have made! I am almost at the same size as your starting size was (46F) and worried about that same situation - but mostly sagging issues. Thank you for sharing your experiences

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Vacation is coming and remembering why I am doing this

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Tomorrow at 5 PM I am officially on vacation. To say I am excited would the understatement of the century. The last truly significant time off I had was my grandmother's death and then before that a week off last summer. I NEED A VACATION. My honey and I both are off from all of our jobs for 9 days. YEAH! So now that I am eating healthy and have my spark back etc I am faced with vacation. What is life without a few bumps in the road? Boring.
I have been thinking about it all day and the plan of attack is... Whenever possible I am packing granola bars, whole fruit and water bottles in the car. Monday is Six Flags, it scares me to even say that honestly and they all but frisk you at the gate for contraband (aka food they can't rip you off for) so I will stick to water and hunt for the semi healthiest option I can find for lunch. There has to be something that won't be ridiculous. We will be doing plenty of walking all week so that should cover any extra calories and I refuse to spend my life obsessing anymore over every single calorie because it isn't healthy to obsess too much in either direction. This about freeing myself from food slavery in both directions, overeating or controlling my eating. I am truly amazed by people who can "just stop" eating when full or "forget to eat all day". Can say that rarely happens for me.
We actually like to cook at home better than most restaurants considering he is chef and I am a killer cook so most nights I will just grab local seafood for the grill. Alcohol consumption will most likely be my biggest obstacle. I don't drink heavily but a couple of glasses of wine can really add up quickly if I am not careful. I usually only drink alcohol on the weekends but vacation is fair game. Going to have to keep on top of that emoticon.
It feels good to be excited about this again. I was trying to think of what made this click for me and I realized what it was. Yesterday morning I was hunting for a skirt for work so I grabbed something out of the give away pile figuring how big could it be. When I put it on it was absolutely enormous. So huge that I was at least 6-7 inches from the waist band. I had forgotten. I think that is how we slip back into regaining weight. You forget how big you were to begin with. So if you need a refresher go grab those clothes you are saving for your before and after pictures and put them on. You will instantly remember why you are doing this.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIMPLE_TAILOR 7/25/2011 9:32AM

    Two fantastic points in this blog (alcohol calories, larger clothes)

I really like that larger clothes one.

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MELLYBEANS0919 7/14/2011 2:42PM

    Have lots of fun on your vacation!! Great idea about trying to find healthier options, bring healthy foods along if you can and also enjoy every thing you do and not stress about it! Awesome about your skirt being so loose on you!! That must have felt good!

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WHIPPEACHZ 7/13/2011 1:59PM

    Hope you enjoy your vacation and I love your idea for reminding yourself. Thanks for posting.

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ROSEWCI 7/12/2011 9:49AM

    EnJOY vaca! emoticon emoticon

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COOKWITHME65 7/12/2011 6:02AM

    Hope you are enjoying your vacation Ashley!

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    I'm jealous--I already had my vacation this summer and now it's just work for me. Like you, I rarely, if ever, "forget" to eat. I think those who say they do are probably lying!
Have a wonderful time on your well-earned vacation. I went to an amusement park one day of my vacation too. DH and I split a mini pizza for our meal there, and I had a pickle as a snack (they actually sold big dill pickles at one stand in the park), and LOTS of water. I'm sure I probably lost weight that day, because, as you noted, there was a lot of walking! I actually did weigh .2 lbs. less after my vacation than I weighed before I left!
It was wonderful JUST to be able to do all that walking,and fit on all the rides--no worries if the bar would lock into place or if the seat-belt strap would be long enough. I had room to spare!

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BETHV10 7/11/2011 4:07PM

    Have a great vacation. You deserve it.

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GRACEISENUF 7/11/2011 11:50AM

    I leave this next Sunday and I am already trying to gear up a good minset re; food/drink.

Hope it is a memorable and fun vacay Ashley!

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KATHLOW 7/11/2011 6:30AM

    I hope you have fun! And yes, you have come that far :-)

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JULIA1154 7/9/2011 6:39PM

  Have a wonderful, refreshing, and FUN vacation, Ashley. You've earned every moment!

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HANNAH_CALM 7/9/2011 12:42AM

    How exciting, have fun at the amusement park! Tell us how you like it there.

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NEWLYWED2011 7/8/2011 10:53PM

    Enjoy your vacation!! I kept a pair of my biggest work pants so that I can constantly remind myself because you're right, it's so easy to forget where we came from!

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CARILOUIE 7/8/2011 12:21PM

    I like that last idea you have, about old clothes.

Hubs and I (I can officially call Brad "hubs" now!) went out to eat the other night, and it was just terrible. He wanted to see how things were done at Chili's so he could take notes for the new restaurant where he's the chef, and it was not good AT ALL. Our ribs at home are a million times better - the best part was the cheese fries. The stinkin' cheese fries! I guess that's what happens when one person is a chef and the other is a good cook herself! Ha!

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KARRYB1 7/8/2011 10:20AM

    I have last years jean capris that I wear around the house when it's too hot, they are so baggy and comfy but I wouldn't dare wear thenm in public, they look rediculously big.
It's a great reminder of where I've been and don't want to be again. emoticon

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CJANSEN40 7/8/2011 10:05AM

    have fun!

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AEBROWNSON 7/8/2011 9:54AM


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OCTOBER2842 7/8/2011 8:18AM

    Enjoy the vacation and have fun

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DUSTYGIRL25 7/8/2011 2:57AM

    Yay for You! Vacation!! Awesome!! Enjoy!!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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    Hope you have a wonderful vacation and thanks for the advice. I've been trying on my 'not fitting quite yet' tops and have been getting depressed, never thought of wearing my 'too big clothing' to see how far I've come!!!

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AARONSGIRL420 7/7/2011 11:26PM

    Have a great time! Six flags sounds like so much fun (It's been ages since I've been on a roller coaster).

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LITTLEONEJLC 7/7/2011 10:53PM

    Have a GREAT vacation, Ashley!

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45KELLY 7/7/2011 9:24PM

    We have season passes to 6 flags and there aren't too many options out there. Just stay hydrated! Definitely bring your granola. I do that and have never been questioned. Fingers croseed for you!

Congrats on the too big clothes! It's always fun to see the difference even if we don't feel it.


Comment edited on: 7/7/2011 9:25:41 PM

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IMIN2GENES 7/7/2011 9:14PM

    Woo hoo! Enjoy your vacation!

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LBEEKMA 7/7/2011 7:56PM

    Enjoy your time off. Walk a lot, eat a little, and have fun!

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MSPRING1987 7/7/2011 7:34PM

    Hope you have a wonderful vacation time! It is great just to get out there and relax with the significant other. I'm so glad you got your spark back! I'm glad you are going to enjoy your food again! Dieting does such and that is why most people don't succeed! Again, have a great time! You deserve it!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 7/7/2011 7:10PM

    Have an awesome time, you deserve it! Enjoy the food, because you'll be walking enough, it shouldn't be a problem. Take lots of pics!

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TUBLADY 7/7/2011 6:23PM

    Have a fabulous time. As far as snacks go, you can always have a granola bar or something in your bag and tell them if frisked that you have low sugar and need to have something handy just in case. That's my fall back line. I do get faint sometimes in the heat and sun, so it's not really lying. Right? Smile.!!
I know about the clothes. I can't believe how big I really was.
Take pictures and post when you get back. Enjoy the rides.
Tisha emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LADYAMAR33 7/7/2011 6:21PM

    have a awesome vaction! emoticon

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KAMAPERRY 7/7/2011 5:38PM


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RIGBY31 7/7/2011 5:33PM

    Vacations are the best!! Don't forget the sun screen, my fair haired beauty!

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MAMADWARF 7/7/2011 5:27PM

    woohoo vacation time!!!!!!!! Just do your best and have fun! (No cheese or mayo and you will probably be ok). The walking will be great for you and you are gonna have lots of time to enjoy each other (hooray for vacation sex!!). Just start with a good breakfast. Heck, you know what to do. BUt we will be needing to see pictures so bring a camera! Hugs and am sooo happy you get to have a vacation!!!

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LEANNROCKS 7/7/2011 5:17PM

    You made me so jealous with the cooking abilities in your home. Have a Funderful time!

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ECONLADY 7/7/2011 5:03PM

    last time I took kids to six flags the food was outrageously expensive, poor quality and bad choices. The parking lot is far away, but I'm glad we packed food in a cooler and went back to the car for food. It was worth the walk.

Have a great vacation!

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    Congrats on vacation!!!!! :D I know you can handle it. You're gonna ROCK it! :D

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LADYSTARDUST 7/7/2011 4:25PM

    I love the skirt story! I keep these jeans around that just hang off me and I keep pulling them out of the drawer because I forget that they really don't fit anymore. Not 6 inches, but enough that my husband complains that my butt is invisible. (quite the feat!)
Enjoy your vacation...spark through your mobile if you can (I always feel better if I'm at least accounting the big things)...enjoy the new level of activity and energy you take with you and best of luck!

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KIM_POSSIBLE77 7/7/2011 4:13PM

    Vacation is the best thing to look forward to in the summer. It sounds like you will do great and all the walking you have planned will help balance it all. Have lots of FUN!!

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SLFRISBEY 7/7/2011 4:03PM

    Horray for vacation!!! Mine is next week and I am so with you on the excitement factor! I think I will be taking a page from your plan of attack and pack health car snacks for the drive and get heathly stuff for bumming around Nashville and the three day two night hike we are attempting in the Smoky Mtns. :)

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    Have a great vacation and enjoy all that fun time with your fiance! I'm glad you're feeling excited again!

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Doing this my way

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

I have discovered the secret of my struggles. Want to know what it is?

I have been dieting. Yup, I said it. Dieting. DIE with a T. I have been doing everything I "should" be doing and you know what? It sucks.

I HATE brown rice, there I said that too.
I despise whole wheat pitas, BLASPHEMY!

Don't get me wrong, I love a nice slice of whole grain bread but just not in pita form. I have been living with a list of good and bad foods. Good and bad behaviors. Good food day= loving myself and being correct. Bad food day=feeling like a big fat miserable failure. The more bad days I have had the more difficult this has become. I was living in a world of no treats allowed at all. Forcing down foods I hate because I should. That goes for you Stonyfield organic yogurt that has the gooey texture of wallpaper paste and makes me gag as I am writing this. I was so caught up in doing it the way I had forced myself to believe I should that I lost sight of doing this because I want too.
I packed my breakfast and lunch today all full of things that I love. Greek yogurt, Kashi go lean cereal (I swear, I really do like this emoticon), summer melon, albacore tuna and chopped veggies from a crudite I had at my cookout this weekend. I was feeling good about myself. Then work put out lunch and it was this awesome falafel bar with our amazing hummus and a gorgeous salad, white pitas and fried falafels. I wanted a pita like nobody's business. I love me some pita. I stopped and looked at it wistfully and then thought "why am I doing this to myself?". Eat the flippin pita and enjoy it. Why are you letting some diet idea stop you from eating something that is perfect fine to enjoy. I stuffed that half of a pita full of veggies and the tuna and some of the yogurt dressing they had on the side. I did choose to not eat the falafel because it was fried and I did that because I wanted too. My lunch was around 350 calories and I felt great.
That was my aha moment. I was living in a land of deprivation and self loathing and had lost my spark because I was doing so. So there it is. Ate healthy all day because I wanted too and have not been hungry and not felt deprived. I have learned I need a small treat most days and when I do that I don't feel like I am dieting and it works for me. I am ok with that. So there it is. Do it your way and this will work for you. There is nothing wrong with that. I eat clean because I enjoy and don't judge anyone else for not doing the same. So tell me, what works for you?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALOFA0509 7/12/2011 11:48AM

A-men sista!!! I was in this exact same spot a few months ago, I just sd FK IT, and ate what I wanted in moderation.. I dont gorge out on sh*t all day, but If I want something I'll have some, and leve it at that.. No self abusing abt taking a few bits of some yummy pie.. lol-- Rock On sista!!!

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CALIKIKI 7/7/2011 6:40PM

    I always enjoy your blogs and have missed reading them during my little break.

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F1AMEDIVA 7/7/2011 6:09PM

    Exactly! I have foods that are supposedly the healthier option that I can't stand. I've started approaching eating healthier as a lifestyle and not a diet. When you can take the labels of good and bad off food its tremendously freeing. Food is tasty, yummy fuel and if its not tasty to you, find something that is.

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WEDDLEACE 7/7/2011 11:13AM

    This post is spot-on! It's so easy to get into the rut of self-loathing when we have some "bad days". "Bad" and "good" food is so dangerous. It's food. Not attachments. No emotions. So glad you've found what works for YOU!

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KKINNEA 7/7/2011 10:21AM

    Yay for eating what tastes good and is also healthy!

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AMOHAME2 7/7/2011 9:38AM

    I think you've just said a lot of things that ALL OF US are thinking but are too afraid to admit to!! emoticon

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CRESHA20 7/7/2011 8:15AM

    I do not like brown rice, but I love white rice. People would tell me, you should eat the brown rice because it's more filling and it's just healthier all around. I started buying it, and I just did not enjoy my meal when I had brown rice. I keep talking about how much I dislike the stuff. I can semi-tolerate it sometimes, but for me, it can easily make or break a meal. I don't believe I will buy it anymore just because people try to tell me how much better it is. It sometimes sickens me to taste it. I do always allow myself treats and other things I like because I know that with the way I feel, I will always want to eat things that I like. I try to make better choices. For instance, if I make a cheesecake, I find that I can easily use fat free cool whip. I have also learned how to modify other things that I cook or bake. The key for me is moderation, which it can sometimes be easy to lose sight of. I just say to do what works for you. I had a friend telling me that I should be a vegetarian. I told her that if it works for her, do it, but don't encourage me to do something I have no desire to do. Good for you for recognizing that you should do what works for you.

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CJANSEN40 7/7/2011 7:55AM

    can't live in no treat land for too long. You should eat the food that you like and that like you. keep up the good work!

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JBMT08 7/7/2011 7:54AM

    This is so right on. I am still searching for what "works" for me. I eat well during the day, but when I come home and am with my daughter, time escapes me, and then we order out. Needless to say, after this morning's weigh in, I was ver tempted to throw that metal glass devise through the window! I am taking a hiatus from using the scale for two weeks, and am in the process of cleaning up my eating. Thanks for letting us know that we should eat what we LIKE, not what we "should".

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ERIN4771 7/7/2011 7:15AM

    it has to be sustainable, from your eating to the exercising, if it's not something that you can see yourself sticking with in the long term, it's not going to work....this is what i need to remind myself when i see the new fads of equipment or classes in the gym, or the latest "diet" craze....i seem to be doing pretty good if i do say so myself emoticon

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    I JUST wrote a blog about this very thing!

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MIZCATHI 7/7/2011 5:56AM

    There you go. I love food, and I have learned over the years that a "diet" doesn't have to be about "diet" foods. When I was a girl if you were on a "diet", you ate only plain lean meat, hard boiled eggs, cottage cheese and plain tuna. But as I have matured, I now truly love experimenting with food and trying new things. Seasonings, sauces, butter, yellow squash, and whole wheat. I really do think it's more about portion control, staying away most of the time from processed all white foods, and additives. Enjoy, count, and feed your body well.

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DUSTYGIRL25 7/7/2011 5:16AM

    I don't like spinach and I don't like pineapple. I also don't like tamales or ravioli. And guess what? I'm not eating them even if their stuffed or surrounded with healthy items. Why? Because I don't like them! But I do like pizza, ice cream and cheesecake. And once in a great while, I will allow myself to have some of these things, as long as I stay within my calorie range and still include some healthy items throughout the day.

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KATHLOW 7/7/2011 4:13AM

    I just love how much alike we are! i will try to like some foods, but I just can't. Good for you, and that pita bar made me drool - at 10 am.

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ECONLADY 7/7/2011 12:32AM

    Good for you! Sound like a good day!

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JULIA1154 7/6/2011 11:43PM

  That's a VERY useful realization - thanks for sharing it so articulately.

I love Kashi Go Lean, too, but it's a rationed treat these days.... :)

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    I've been discoveering that as well! thanks for the reminder :). emoticon

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LIVIN2LOVE1 7/6/2011 10:00PM

    Way to go! Live like you mean it! Eat because it's yummy and fun!

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    Yay! Hmmm...what works for me? Not considering anything as "bad" or "off-limits." The minute I do that all I can think about it eating it - and like you said, eat something "bad," feel badly about myself. NOT WORTH IT!! Life is about LIVING. Everything in moderation. Eat clean as much as I can, but when I want a treat and it's within my calorie range, then go for it, and enjoy every single second.

Do what works girl, and Spark on!! :)

- Michelle

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IMIN2GENES 7/6/2011 8:16PM

    Well said! You've got to do what's right for you. I'm working on adding fruits... you know what, I'm starting to like them; but, I still snuck in a little square of dark chocolate! Keeps me sane!

Way to go!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 7/6/2011 7:40PM

    As always, I eat what ever I want, just the correct portion size. I DO eat a ton more fruits and veggies than I used to, but I haven't given up one food that I love. Good for you Ashley!

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MELLYBEANS0919 7/6/2011 7:01PM

    Happy for you. emoticon

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    Amen, Sister & congratulations! Diets are for losers. We're all winners who enjoy life! emoticon

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RIGBY31 7/6/2011 6:26PM

    I'm eating 4 cups of SmartPop! popcorn as I read this. I need my salty crunch snack in the afternoon sometimes. You're right.... do what works for you. I was trying to fit every single tidbit of the various food hints and programs I read here on SP into my world. Didn't work. I know works. And I need to find MY satisfying foods.

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LUCKYDOGFARM 7/6/2011 6:23PM

    I absolutely agree Ashley. you cannot live on a diet. my measuing cups are my friends. i eat foods that i enjoy every day. i do not deprive myself. i do stay in my calorie range. i do stay away from most fried foods. mostly because of the calories. i drink water. why? because it saves the calories for the things that i really LOVE! like chocolate! skip a soda and have a snicker bar. good trade if you aske me! not that i have a snicker every day, its just the idea that every day you have to choose what you are willing to spend your calorie allotment on.
You got this Ashley!!

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KAMAPERRY 7/6/2011 6:23PM

    I agree, you are on the right track! I eat brown rice and whole wheat pitas and Greek yogurt because I LIKE it. If I don't like something, I can't choke it down no matter how healthy it is! emoticon

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SEPPIESUSAN 7/6/2011 6:11PM

    This post is fantastic!! In my past I have gone through periods of being way too strict with myself, only eating according to my plan and feeling very deprived. When I would do this I would lose a lot of weight fast, but then I would always slip up and eat everything I'd been craving in big quantities, and of course I would gain all the weight back. I went through several cycles of these two extremes multiple times before I finally came to my current approach - nothing is off-limits, BUT I have to track it all on Spark (even though most of the time I'm totally guessing!) and other than special occasions, I try to stick to my general healthy-eating template (healthy breakfast, lunch, dinner, one snack of almonds, the rest of my snacks are unlimited but have to be fruits and vegetables). By following this moderate approach, I'm rewarded by having a moderate weight - not my lightest, but not my heaviest either!

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    Love this!!! I've been living with a similar mindset lately except my response has been to binge on foods I don't even WANT. *headdesk*

What works for me:

Plans - give me a list any old day, I freaking adore those things.

Small steps - right now, I'm focusing on tracking again, eating out less, and drinking my water. Things you would've thought I'd learned months ago ;) But we all need a refresher sometimes.


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BTRTHANEVA 7/6/2011 5:22PM

    Right on, Ashley! Seems like if we could portion control what we eat, we wouldn't need to DIE-t. Everything in moderation! RUN WITH THIS (literally!!!)

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BRIAEL 7/6/2011 5:18PM

    I add half brown basmati and half white basmati in equal measures in a big lidded tub and give it a good shake til it mixes. This is actually tasty and filling, and you don't feel like you're depriving yourself. :)

Chobani Greek Yoghurt is lovely with anything. I put honey and frozen raspberries in mine to make a nice mid morning snack.

Handful of nuts - almonds, walnuts, pecans go really nice with a turkey bacon (blotted til it's dry of fat) plumps raisins and raw spinach (with a drizzle of balsamic vinegar.

One of my favourites is finely diced pink lady apples with grated carrot and a dash of lime juice. (Add a touch of chili powder if you need something spicy). Tops a salad, is gorgeous with a steak and makes a change from "just greens".

Sounds like your head is getting back into the right space. I'm slowly rejoining you and we will get there! :)

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ROCKMAN6797 7/6/2011 4:59PM

    I never approached this as a DIET, rather as a lifestyle change. I decided that I would eat healthy and closely monitor what I ate. With this in mind, I don't pay to much heed to what I cannot have rather I pay more attention to how my choice will impact my goal to be healthy. I love ice cream so I decided that I would look for the healthiest choice and eat to my heart's content (thank you very much Skinny Cow ice cream!) As I have commented in the past, I truly feel that I am eating so much more that I did in the past and yet because I am eating healthy I am reaping the benefits!
Good for you Ashley, love the self-knowledge you are gaining! It will help you so much on your road to achieving all of your goals.

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LESLIES537 7/6/2011 4:57PM

    emoticon A-ha moment! You're onto something there!!

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IBSHAUN 7/6/2011 4:51PM

    emoticon Love this! Thanks for the reminder that we HAVE to live and it's changing our lives not just a diet. Good for you and thank you!!

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MAMADWARF 7/6/2011 4:31PM

    Love it! It is easy to forget sometimes the why and the what of things.

What works for me is really making a decision about what I want. Did I just shove that brownine in my face because I wanted it or because it was a habit. Stuff like that. Making the choice. Taking a moment to decide. Thinking about my decision and then living with it.

Another thing that helps is to hear how other people handle things. Hence: me and sparkpeople. We work.

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COOKWITHME65 7/6/2011 4:30PM

    Your so right Ashley. If we deprive ourselves fully of what we love we will most likely backslide. This is a new way of living not a diet. Balance is the key. I'm making myself a big fruit salad with fresh pineapple, mango, watermelon, cantaloupe , strawberries and blueberries. It will probably be on my menu for days with some yogurt or cottage cheese as it is so hot out. But that doesn't mean I wont have a small plate of the jambalaya I'm making for my BF tonight with shrimp, linguicia and chicken. If I don't I may raid it in the middle of the night eating it mindlessly.

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CHRISTINA791 7/6/2011 4:29PM

    Thank you so much for posting this!

I've been pretty good with this (allowing myself cupcakes helps), but I still sometimes get caught up in what I 'should' (or should not) be eating. Guess what? I don't like greek yogurt, and that's okay! I eat chocolate almost every freaking day, and it's all right! I like starches. I eat pasta and bread and could never in a billion years give it up forever. I also honestly prefer whole grains over (most - pasta's an exception) whites, but it has to be good quality stuff.

The important thing is figuring out a way of eating that fuels your body, keeps you healthy and - shocking, I know - tastes good!

(BTW, your lunch is making me drool. That sounds awesome, and I may have to go pick up some pitas after work)

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BECOMING_HOLLY 7/6/2011 4:27PM

    I eat what I want. I have learned on my own that I don't like greasy high-fat foods. It makes me feel sick! I love veggies and the majority of my food intake are fresh or frozen/steam veggies for that reason.

I listen to my body and eat what IT needs. Not what the current trends are, not what I have to eat. I eat small meals of foods that I need, that I crave. Who knew roast chicken would be one of my BIGGEST cravings?!?!

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HAILEYSMAMA 7/6/2011 4:26PM

    Thats great, THe DIET dilemma always wants to creep up but remember u arent dieting just making a change in your habits. Eat whatever in moderation and give in to treats sometimes. There are alot of "diet" foods out there that I cant stand and I refuse to eat so I just improvise with what I like and eat.

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LEAHKAY21782 7/6/2011 4:22PM

    low carbs high protein 6 days a week, and one day where I don't let high carb food bother me. :) Good stuff. FOR ME.

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Feeling overwhelmed

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I just have too much going on in my life. Work has some issues and out of respect for company privacy I can't talk about it but it is very serious and everyone is on edge. I am not sleeping, not eating well, not working out. A whole lot of not doing what I want to be doing. What I am having a hard time understanding is why. I get up in the morning and am determined to have the day I want and then I get to about lunch and it starts to slowly unravel. Some days are worse than others. Today I did great until about 3. Then I ate 4 mini cookies. They were about the size of a silver dollar each. I debated telling you all this but I wanted to be honest and I hid my addiction for so long that I can't do it anymore. As soon as I ate the cookies I felt calm and then angry. Angry with myself for letting the addiction win again. Please Please Please don't send me messages and tell me it is ok. It is not. I do believe treats are part of a healthy diet but it is the way that I am doing the eating that is not the healthy part. There is nothing healthy about obsessing all day and then sneaking around to eat something. The feeling ashamed.
I do believe part of this is that I am exhausted and I am eating to compensate for the lack of energy. When I work out I have more energy but I always seem to put that on the back burner. I will make time for everything in my life but what makes me feel better and is healthy. I am out of balance and having a hard time figuring out where I need to start again. Maybe this is about going back to stage 1. In fact that is exactly what I need. To start over and forget all the shame and drama etc and just do what I want in my heart and get the job done. So here I go. Right now is the first moment of losing the next 50 lbs and getting in great shape.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIMPLE_TAILOR 7/14/2011 3:58PM

    I really understand that feeling out of balance. I know that we both can get there.

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NORAHNICK 7/6/2011 6:47PM

    Take back the control! Pack healthy snacks and whip one out the next time the cookie calls!

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    Hang in there! Focus on the first 10. It's so much easier than seeing that big number, and the rest will come later. emoticon

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CJANSEN40 7/1/2011 3:07PM

    ((hugs)) Next time you are in line for a sugar treat go find a set of stairs and climb to the top and come back down. you are only away from your job 5 minutes and you will feel better and more in control of the sugar. the building I work in is only 6 floors so I don't get too far but far enough to walk away from the cookies!

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VIAFREE 6/30/2011 3:24PM

    Staring over is sometime just what we need. Sounds like you are ready for a New Start! Your honesty with yourself is your key to freedome. Goodluck, I'm cheering for you.

Shel emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/30/2011 3:25:00 PM

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MIZCATHI 6/30/2011 6:02AM

    Sounds like my life right now so I can totally relate. Yesterday I started feeling tense and weird, and went right for the little package of Pepperidge Farm cookies in the cabinet. I ate three and felt "better", then mentally counted the calories and stopped. It's a very weird sensation, and one I have to control, but I don't think it will ever entirely go away. Hang in there, and do just one thing today that moves you forward both emotionally and physically.

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KAMAPERRY 6/29/2011 10:57PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HANNAH_CALM 6/29/2011 5:07PM

    Okay, I won't say it was fine... Why don't you plan for that hunger, and have something healthy at the ready? Good luck! and I hope work improves.

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JULIA1154 6/29/2011 3:53PM

  Sometimes what's worst about eating something you didn't plan on is that it signifies loss of control over food.

I think what we all want is to feel in control of our relationship with food. Even if the 4 mini-cookies didn't blow your calorie budget, eating them says something to yourself - that you still NEED food (at times). That makes one angry and depressed. It stinks.

I think the earlier comment about some morning cardio was a good thought; it seems to help get the day off on the right foot, even if it's just a bit of a walk. I know that, for myself, getting 15-20 minutes outside mid-afternoon helps a whole bunch.

I really hope things settle down soon for you, Ashley. I know the situation at work's been tense for quite a while and that really does take a toll. Good luck. I hope it helps to know that you have a lot of us pulling for you.

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NINNY165 6/29/2011 11:39AM

    Congrats on being honest with yourself...This is a journey, not a race...congrats on picking yourself back up again,,,sometimes starting over is the spark we need to get ourselves back on track...Take it one day at a time moment at a time... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TREASURINGLIFE 6/29/2011 10:35AM

    You are #1 - remember that, and treat yourself accordingly.

- Michelle

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TIME4AMY 6/29/2011 8:40AM

    I had a similar night...
I haven't "overate" in months! Yet, lastnight I ate a couple pieces of marinated steak tips, a few bbq ribs, and a few buffalo wings...OH MY GAWWD i felt so sick. My stomach hurt, I wanted to throw up!

I just went in bed after cleaning up after dinner and just felt awful! Why did I do that?! I kept thinking that I didn't want to waste food, but are you kidding me Amy?! You're not a dumpster!!! My fiance' wanted to love me, but I couldn't fathom having him put any pressure near my stomach! hahahaha... (sorry for the visual)

I guess my point is, it took that feeling to know that I will NOT allow myself to eat that much again! I don't like how I felt emotionally afterward, nor physically. I eat so well now, that my stomach can't even hold such an amount!

You said you didn't want to post such honesty. I felt your pain. I always keep my food tracker open to the public...and I made it private last night. emoticon ...honesty...

So, on that note, I'm putting it up there for all to see. I'm human. This is a work in progress and if I can help someone else understand that bad days mean getting back in the swing of things the next day, it's not necessarily OK to overeat or overindulge, but it's OK to make's how we learn.

I hope that today is better than yesterday's.

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RUNMELLY 6/29/2011 7:29AM

    I don't know what your schedule is like, but can you get some kind of cardio in in the mornings? Even if it's just 10 minutes or so to get you started on the right track? Good luck as you re-start your journey...everyone needs a do-over button from time to time :)

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BTRTHANEVA 6/29/2011 6:58AM


*When I work out I have more energy but I always seem to put that on the back burner*.

You're putting everything else in front of you and your needs and suffering for it. You need to make yourself your number 1 priority and realize that everyone and everything will benefit from you taking optimal care of yourself! Do those things for you that give you the energy and self respect that appears to be fading. Hopefully, that will keep you from backsliding into past habits that sabotage your morale.

Take control of the things in your life that you can (yourself) and live in the moment. You've got your BIG DAY coming up and take care of yourself!!!

SP's healthy reflection for today:
The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches but to reveal to him his own.
Benjamin Disraeli, British statesman

Comment edited on: 6/29/2011 7:01:13 AM

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MRSSCHENCK 6/29/2011 6:50AM


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BRAVENEWGRL 6/28/2011 11:56PM

    Here's to the next 50 pounds! Stick with it - you can do it!

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PENELOPEHOPE 6/28/2011 11:36PM

    Have you thought about getting counseling to determine why you feel that you are not worth putting yourself first sometimes? It might be part of your wellness journey to investigate the complex rdeasons that we sabotage ourselves. I had KFC today. Shouldn't have, did. I did extra card today and skipped snack altogether. We all just keep trying.

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 6/28/2011 11:24PM

    I had a very hard time getting and staying motivated to exercise. I then decided to try to exercise in the morning on my days first thing after breakfast. This worked, wow color me surprised. Then I started to attempt to do this on my work days, this is a little harder as I would have to get up at 4 am, yuck. I am finally able to do this and all I do is 10 minutes of some cardio. I had to build this habit one layer at a time, yes it took a while, but it did finally work.

Good luck!

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CANNIE50 6/28/2011 11:02PM

    I just blogged about some very similar issues today. I can certainly relate. You are healthy to blog about this - "we are only as sick as our secrets".....

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MELLABELLAS 6/28/2011 10:55PM

    I know you can do it. We all have our good and bad days. That's what makes us human.
I hope things get a little better at work. You don't need the stress I'm sure.

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    That sounds similar to how I have behaved with my binging episodes the past two months. I sneak the food (and I've never been a sneak eater) because I am ashamed of letting someone see how much I'm eating or what I'm eating. I'll walk out of the kitchen trying to angle it where they can't see I'm taking the whole box of cookies to my room instead of one.

And I get angry at myself as well after I do it. I've stuck through the last few days..and I hope it sticks.

I hope the stuff that's going on with you at work (and the eating) gets worked out in as positive way as it can!

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IMIN2GENES 6/28/2011 9:42PM

    Good for you! Way to refocus! I just love your honesty. I think it really helps to get it out there. You have come so far and really do have a lot on your plate. It takes a strong woman not to just give in or give up. You're getting right back on track!

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MELLYBEANS0919 6/28/2011 9:40PM

    Thinking of you.

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ECONLADY 6/28/2011 9:37PM

    It sounds like you have a plan. When I get like that (which is too often) i take a break, close my eyes and ask why am I being self destructive. You have to relax and let it come to you. If you find the reason, work with it. Chances are you already know the answer, but it is probably more than just stress.

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SOXYINMO 6/28/2011 9:35PM

    Heavy stuff at work is hard, hard, hard. Take a deep breath, give yourself a hug, and start with one, little thing. A positive thing! An easy thing! If you don't have assigned parking, park two or three spaces farther than usual. That little, that simple! Just do that one thing for a few days and then a few days more and then give yourself another hug because you've added 50 more steps to your day.

We are here for you!


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SLFRISBEY 6/28/2011 9:20PM

    (((hugs))) Sorry things are not perfect. You're in my thoughts!

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CYNDERROSE 6/28/2011 9:11PM

    You have a lot happening right now, stress is to be expected. emoticon

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MSANITAL 6/28/2011 9:07PM

    Take a deep breath first then give your self a hug, and here is one from me, you have alot going on and only you know what your going through and it is tought that if you have alwasy turned to food when things got out of hand, it is tought to stop but you know the more you face the problem with out the food the better it is to deal with it at least for me that is worked, something you might want to concider is to track your food before you eat it. breakfast Lunch and dinner, and then when you feel that you are going to go eat someting say at 3 in the afternoon write it down first even if it on a sticky note write it down look at it read it wait 10 mins and if after the 10 mins you still want the food, eat it but put it in your tracker,
hope this helps.. you can do it stay postive, stay strog

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 6/28/2011 8:40PM

    You have so much going on with wedding planning and work. It's not a surprise that you're stressed out. When I'm overwhelmed, I get back to basics. Water, portion control (with whatever I'm eating, even if it's bad), and move 10 min a day. Even a walk around the block. You can do this Ashley, you've come so far, you know what to do. *hugs*

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JENN03275 6/28/2011 8:08PM

    Are you eating enough during the day. If your addiction to food is stress eating, can you keep a "secret " stash of health binge foods. If you like cookies maybe an organic version. SUGAR has that calming effect that we are searching for. No, I am not going to say its ok because you are trying to break that pattern. Just take every day at a time and keep the faith.

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JAKOTAMJ 6/28/2011 8:05PM

    Praying for you Ashley. I hope things in all areas get better for you soon! *Hugs*

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WHIPPEACHZ 6/28/2011 7:52PM

    Just a thought but maybe it's time to make some changes. Find a way to move some of the stress out of your life and maybe try adding something new. This may mean changing jobs, rearranging your schedule, or simply finding a new focus and a way to relax. Don't fight through it, if you know something isn't working make a new plan. You've got the right attitude, but sometimes you have to change your world to fit the new you.

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MAMADWARF 6/28/2011 7:37PM

    see? You didnt even need us! I know when the sugar thing starts getting to be too much, I go back to basics. It is always sooo sneaky how it gets to me! Then the next thing I know the cravings are near uncontrollable. You have to cold turkey it, dude. Just do. NOT. eat. SUGAR. Give it a week. maybe you can try 10 minutes a day? there are super good video's on spark that are easy, quick and it will help get you back on track. You have come a long way and you are stopping yourself before you go too far. That is good work my dear, and very viligant. It is ok to feel what you feel, Ashley. There is alot going on...

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MABTE52 6/28/2011 7:33PM

    Take a breather and try to chillax.

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Lots going on and confronting my mom

Sunday, June 26, 2011

To say I am excited to have started wedding planning is an understatement. We had a long engagement by choice and to be setting a date and making it all official is really cool. It is funny because this is what I do professionally and it is still all I want to talk about so to save my fiancés sanity we decided that we will only do wedding stuff on Saturday's. It was my suggestion because although he is excited and wants to have as much a part in planning as I do but he works 90 hours a week and I don't want to spend his only waking moments talking about nothing but the wedding. We need to have a normal life as well lol.
Yesterday we contacted venues. One of the ones I had been emailing with during the week never sent me a proposal or anything that I had requested and it has been 6 days. I would never let a client of mine wait that long so as far as I am concerned that place is eliminated already if she ever answers me. A Colombian friend told me that the wedding planners there don't make commission so to them a wedding like mine would be considered a hassle so some might blow me off. I hope that isn't the truth because that is a pretty crappy attitude. A called a venue I had found during the week that is gorgeous and has a beautiful outdoor space as well as a ceremony area and a reception hall inside that is beautiful and the wedding planner answered. I could tell by her questions she was really on the ball and spent a good 30 minutes chatting with us and asking us what we wanted. Of all the places we called she was by far the most engaging and she even volunteered to bring in a translator for me when I meet with her and on our wedding day. She also said they would absolutely be willing to work with us in combining both cultures traditions. I most likely won't need the translator but the fact that she has been already so willing to accommodate us makes me think this is the place. Once we have a deposit down I can relax a bit.
My brother in law also proposed to his American girlfriend this week so it looks like there may be 2 weddings a week apart so the family can all travel at the same time. Should be interesting! I was telling my sister in law about it and it turns out her daughter's quinceanera party was supposed to be in September. She wasn't aware of the wedding plans and I could see by her face that it was a bit of a shock and she was upset. (A quinceanera if you don't know is basically their version of a sweet sixteen party but in latin culture it is a huge deal almost as important as a wedding). I didn't know about the party plans so I felt bad and I think we need to have some kind of a family meeting to figure out all these big milestones so everyone is happy and nobody feels resentful. They are all coming over for July 4th so maybe we can chat then. We also got down a preliminary guest list and are starting to think we want to keep it to around 60 people and just have something really nice instead of inviting people we hardly know but "should" invite and having something more generic.
Friday afternoon my mother called and was talking about family stuff and I brought up her lack of support with the whole wedding. At first she was defensive and denied it. Then she admitted that she is concerned about some issues. I told her that she needs to stop thinking about her own needs and preconceived notions about things and be happy for me. I could understand if I was marrying someone I just met but we waited more than 4 years of being engaged and he has been nothing but wonderful to our family. I think the heart of this is she is worried I will move away and she won't see me anymore but she won't admit it. The conversation was very civil and I hope I gave her some things to think about and she said none of this is not about liking my fiancé and she really does think he is great which made me feel better. I am glad I stood up for myself and she will never be the gushing mother of the bride I would like her to be but that is ok. I think if she was too involved it would make me upset as I am very independent so maybe this is the way it is supposed to be.
Weddings are an interesting part of cultures. It is supposed to be a celebration but it often brings out so many family issues and problems. I hope to keep this one as stress and drama free as possible. It should be a celebration of the beginning of our life together and I am really looking forward to it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAIA2011 7/12/2011 12:24AM

    You sound so much more calm and admirable about this than I would be and I am impressed. (I'll bet you are also not hiding somewhere eating nachos the way I would be. Your arms are fierce in your new profile pic!)

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CALIKIKI 7/7/2011 6:46PM

    I can't wait to hear more about your plans and how you blend the two cultures together! I am very excited for you.

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RACINGSLUG 7/6/2011 11:15AM

    So sorry I missed this latest bit of excitement in your life until now! I had no idea your fiance was Colombian or that you speak Spanish! Awesooome. (He works 90 hours a week? That is more than two full-time jobs. That is INSANE.) I'm impressed with how sensitive you've been to the feelings of other family members who have milestones going on in their lives... you're making a lot of good things happen!

And yes, you are so right about family issues coming out of the woodwork... we had more than our share, but it turned out to be the most amazing day anyway, and I know it will be for you too. Congratulations!

Comment edited on: 7/6/2011 11:16:34 AM

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KATHLOW 7/5/2011 9:18AM

    you handled that nicely!

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CJANSEN40 6/30/2011 3:34PM

    I'm glad things are working out. Hope mom becomes more supportive.

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CHICKENCHASER78 6/30/2011 2:48PM

    I'm glad the talk with your Mom went well. I love hearing about the wedding plans!

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MOMMYTO1IN2012 6/27/2011 11:07PM


Your blog totally resonated with me. I'm marrying in September (less than three montnhs now), and I have a very narcissitic mother. She doesn't listen to me (I mean really lisen, you know), and everything is always about her. I've tried very hard to realize that I will never be able to make her happy and secretly hoping she will change. I've yet to be able to stand up to her, but hopefully I will get to that point just like you did. I really admire your strength and courage, and wish I wasn't a 33 year old woman still controled by her mother.

However, that being said, I've done a good job of planning my wedding with my fiance and keeping external parties out of it. And it's gone so much more smoothly! So kudos to you for sticking with what YOU want! It sounds like you've really got it covered, and I know your wedding weill be beautiful. When is it, by the way?

Thanks so much for writing this and really sparking something in me!

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KAMAPERRY 6/27/2011 10:39PM

    Good for you having that talk with your mom! That was so important!! I am excited about your wedding plans!

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LUCKYDOGFARM 6/27/2011 7:31PM

    Glad things are going well with Mom and the wedding plans!

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ECONLADY 6/27/2011 5:21PM

    I love hearing about your wedding, so please share. I think that I enjoy happiness.

Funny thing is I barely did any of the planning for my wedding. My Mom designed my dress and picked the colors. I just said once and a while. I made the most important decision, the groom.

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    Congrats on your upcoming wedding.
My wedding in 2009 was small and intimate and everyone attending loved it. My hubby and I planned it exactly how we wanted it. We had no stress and the day was beautiful in every way.
I wish you all the best in the coming months of planning.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DUSTYGIRL25 6/27/2011 11:55AM

    I hope your wedding is exactly what You want it to be. I hope everyone understands to leave the drama out of it and just enjoy the planning and being part of the wedding day.

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CAROLCRC 6/27/2011 11:30AM

    Enjoy the planning process as much as possible... I think you are very wise to keep the discussing down to one day a week.

And remember not to stress and just enjoy your day - anything that goes wrong the day of the wedding just becomes a funny story in the years aftewards.

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HEALTHYME229 6/27/2011 9:48AM

    I applaud you for deciding what is best for you and your fiance for your wedding. I am the mother of the bride as my only child is getting married in November. I told her that, unless she is thinking about something really bizarre, to only worry about what the people standing in the front want - not the people who may or may not be sitting in the back. She has done a few things and plans a few other things against what some consider tradition, but it's OK because it is her and her fiance's day - not mine or anyone elses. I hope your mom takes to heart some of the things you told her and remembers that your happiness is the most important. I think a multi-cultural wedding in Columbia sounds like an awesome adventure! Congrats!

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ERIN4771 6/27/2011 8:10AM

    couldn't agree more...i had the big wedding the first time i tied the knot, got hugged by many i didn't even know, but "had" to invite....second time...flew to vegas, then his family had a nice little gathering for us a few weeks later,much more intimate and have to do what's best for you and your fiance, marriage is more than the wedding, and sometimes i think people forget that.....congrats on setting the wheels in motion for your big day!! i am psyched for you!!

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R0SYJ3WL 6/26/2011 11:52PM

    I totally agree that you should do what YOU want where possible when planning your wedding. My husband and I struggled with making our plans when we were engaged. It was sort of stressful until we finally decided to do things our way, even if it meant pissing a few people off.
We also had a long engagement (2 years seems long enough). We had a simple wedding on the local beach and a small intimate dinner at a restaurant very nearby afterwards to celebrate. We each invited our parents and siblings and the only other person was the minister. We also opted to have a civil ceremony (My mother was disappointed we weren't planning on having a Catholic ceremony in a Catholic church. My husband and I were both raised Catholic, so she assumed we would.)
Since we didn't include our distant relatives or any friends, it sort of raised hurt feelings. We still (a year later) get a sarcastic comment or two about how we must have not considered 'So and So' important enough to invite to our wedding. But I think it was well worth a comment or two.
It isn't anyone's day but your's and your fiance's. You should do what makes you happy when possible. At least that's my opinion and it worked out for us.
emoticon btw on the wedding plans. I'm SO happy for you. I'm glad you're enjoying the planning process. It should be a happy time, not a stressful one. emoticon

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OJIBWEEQUAY 6/26/2011 11:31PM

    I will gush!!! I love weddings! Ohhhh and Columbia?!!!!! Nice!!! Moms are always off I swear! Just thank god you don't have me!!! Lol I am sure I will be super overbearing with my kids!!!! Hey! Just have fun!!!!!!

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HANNAH_CALM 6/26/2011 11:15PM

    Sounds like so much is happening! I'm glad that you had that talk with your mom, and that she does like your fiance after all. Do you really have to miss your niece's quinceanera party? Your sister-in-law must be upset because she thinks that you're really an important part of the family. Maybe you can take her and her mother out to eat or something, after you get back from the wedding and the honeymoon, to help celebrate her new age. That could be something fun. Maybe you could take in a movie. I hope it works out with that perfect place that you found for the wedding!

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COOKWITHME65 6/26/2011 10:09PM

    Glad that you were able to tell your Mom how you felt. I'm so excited for you.

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 6/26/2011 10:05PM

    It is hard to take a stand with a relative, I am glad that you were able to with your mom.

Your plans sound very exciting! Have fun while you are at it!

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MAMADWARF 6/26/2011 9:55PM

    Good for you about your mom, Ashley. Im sure it felt good to tell her how you felt. Cannot wait to hear more about the venue, food, dress, wedding etc.. SO exciting!!

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BTRTHANEVA 6/26/2011 8:10PM

    So glad to hear that things are coming around and that you said your piece to your mom. What really impressed me (not that you haven't impressed me a millions times before) is the respect you have for your fiancé's limited down time - by not talking his ear off about the wedding! I can only imagine how much this means to you, Ashley. Especially after planning this momentous day for so many other brides! Kudos to you!

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DYA177 6/26/2011 7:35PM

    I told you..... Everything works out well in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end !!!! Enjoy the party.

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RACHELRUNS26 6/26/2011 7:29PM

    Our wedding brought out a lot of family issues too, but you just have to roll with it. It sounds like you and your fiance are very level-headed and willing to work things out with everyone. No matter whatever one else thinks (especially your mom) it is the day for the two of you to celebrate your love, and no one can take that away from you. :)

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AMBERROGUE 6/26/2011 7:25PM

    This brings back memories! Long story there, lol.

So glad you stood up for yourself! I know it has to feel good to have all of that off your chest. I hope she can think about things from your point of view and that you can both come to a mutual understanding.

Good luck getting things sorted out so that everyone can have their momentous occasion. I think it's great that you are thinking about other people's events and trying to take them into consideration and plan yours so that they don't conflict. You are a very generous person!

I look forward to hearing how things work out!

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