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Fear of Failure

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I went out for dinner last night with my "Man of Honor" so someone would listen to me yammer on about my wedding (not just for that, he is my best friend too and I hadn't seen him in awhile) but since so few people seem to actually care about my wedding it was nice to have someone listen and be excited for me. We also chatted about his relationship and how his SO has such a fear of failure that he won't even try to change his life for the better. He would rather live in fairy land and let people think he is brilliant that do anything that is risky.
This really got me thinking about my own weight loss situation. Today I was nervous all day. Nervous that I can't control myself in the face of sugar. Nervous that I will fail at this new lifestyle. The fear is paralyzing, yet sneaky because I had not heard it creep silently upon me.

Fear is the enemy. Fear prevents change and progress. It is ok to not be successful on a first attempt. It is not ok to not even try. That is true failure. To give up, to refuse to adapt. No this isn't easy. Yes, I will have to fight every day for a long time, maybe my whole life, to overcome my compulsion to eat. What I need to focus on is the desire to eat versus the need to eat. I have lost that feelings somewhere along the way. What is true hunger.

Sometimes I think that all of these are just words. That they have no actual value. Are we all just talking about it but it any of it real?

Sometimes I think food is the only constant in my life. People leave and disappoint you. You get rejected and abandoned. Only food is a constant that makes me happy. I used to believe it would never hurt me but that is a lie. The comfort, the numbness, is only temporary. I want to be free of this disappointment with my body. I don't hate it anymore but just feel this lingering apathy. That damage I did to my body I am positive is irreparable. Having to pay for my addiction the rest of my life is sad and overwhelming. I had tried to convince myself that I would snap back. My body would be the exception or surgery could fix me. I need to face the reality that this isn't true. Maybe I will shrink back a bit but not enough. Are the scars from surgery going to be worth it? I wish it was that simple. One easy surgery and I would be free. Somehow I doubt it happens with so little consequence for everyone.

Is it vain to want to be hot even for a few moments of my life? To enjoy the attention? I never got to experience that in my 20's or even teens. I was the "fat" friend. the one insecure pretty girls hung out with because I wasn't a threat. I want to float down the aisle in whatever fluffy confection I chose to ooh's and aah's from our guests. For my first marriage I wore a dress off the rack I bought 6 weeks before the wedding because I was too scared to try on real wedding dresses. How sad of an experience is that??? No joy in it at all.

I will find the right dress for me and not be ashamed. My label size does not make me any more or less of a human being. I had a good day today. Laughing with coworkers, talking about wedding dresses, dreaming of my future and wishing I was "normal". I want that dark cloud to go away. I am going to do everything in my power to make this experience nothing like the first one. I have the power to do it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MADEMCHE 6/22/2011 11:14AM

    Dark clouds happen, and then they pass. It will be ok love, you are going to be a beautiful life. And who wants to be normal? How boring is that? YOu my dear, are far from boring. Not normal, exceptional! That is you. Love you!

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KATHLOW 6/20/2011 5:24AM

    you're gonna be a beautiful bride!

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BADASSBLONDIE 6/17/2011 1:16PM

    It is so wonderful to hear you so empowered!!!! :D And thank you for speaking about fear - I really need to look into some of that and how I'm working with (or maybe against...) my journey lately.

*hugs* YOU CAN DO THIS!

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OCTOBER2842 6/17/2011 11:52AM

    You look great, so you can't be a failure. You are qa Super Star, give yourself for all you have accomplished

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CJANSEN40 6/17/2011 11:25AM

    You are great, or your fiance would not have choosen you! You will look beautiful in your dress no matter your size, ((hugs))

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LIVIN2LOVE1 6/17/2011 10:57AM

    I think you are completely normal. You will be a beautiful bride on your wedding day because you already are a beautiful bride today.

On SP we can fight that compulsion to eat. For me it is an addiction, complete with obsession, compulsion, exhilaration, and regret. Not only is it abusive to my body but my mind suffers too. Giving in to the compulsion is defeating my mind and spirit.

We all face that dark cloud. You are not alone. You CAN do this!

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TWINSMOMMY607 6/17/2011 8:21AM

    You are the most normal woman I have met!!

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ECONLADY 6/17/2011 1:11AM

    You hit the nail on the head and I will be thinking about what you said. I would love to hear about the wedding, so please blog about it!

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DUSTYGIRL25 6/16/2011 11:06PM

    Just concentrate on the positive. LIKE YOUR WEDDING!!!!
Planning your Wedding is going to be sooooo much fun! Just think of all the beautiful things you are going to be shopping for, Dresses! Flowers! Cakes! Healthy Food! Gifts! (registering)
Decorations! A Venue! A Honeymoon!
emoticon Wow, I'm so excited and I'm not even the one getting married.
Enjoy every minute of it. Your gonna Love It! It's For YOUR OWN VERY SPECIAL DAY!!!
emoticon

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NOT_BIG_BONED 6/16/2011 10:09PM

    You will be a beautiful bride no matter what size. And the size is just a stupid label that doesn't mean anything anyway.

I think that food issues will always be a struggle, at least they are for me. I just had to accept that I will always have to work at keeping the weight off. Oh, and I know what you mean about wishing you were happy with your body at leas once. I did unrepairable damage to my body being big, and the loose skin is a reminder, but it does get better, and if I could do it all over again, I'd choose being fit and not perfect over being overweight and unhappy all over again.

Good luck in finding your dream dress.

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OJIBWEEQUAY 6/16/2011 9:34PM

    WHy do we feed the emotions? I need therapy every other day I swear on this issue!!! You will be a stunning Bride! If I was your friend in high school I woulda have been jealous of your hair! Oh curls!! emoticon

Oh yeah I forgot. My wedding dress was a 12 and needed to be altered to a 10 when it came in. Um yeah...didnt quite turn out! I kept eating all the fancy chocolates I bought for the reception and had to keep buying more! Needless to say It fit quite well minimal adjustments. Dont be me emoticon
LOL

Comment edited on: 6/16/2011 9:38:23 PM

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 6/16/2011 8:43PM

    You HAVE made those positive life changes. And YES, I believe they're permanent. Most woman struggle with body image and being "normal." What the heck is normal anyways? I've been with you on this journey for an entire year, and I know you want to be healthy. Can you say that you are healthier now than you were a year ago? I bet you can. You've done wonderful things for yourself and for a lot of people here on SP. Because you have this bright light that shines through, you will be brighter than ANY cloud that you may feel is hovering.

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ILOVEDOLPHINS73 6/16/2011 8:37PM

    All that you're feeling is completely cool. It's understandable and there's nothing wrong with feeling these emotions. They are in fact, what helps you to grow!

Relish in EVERY moment and emotion that you have because you're being groomed. Congrats on your wedding planning and trust me....you WILL be the center of attention! You already are. I'm thankful that I know you. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BILLIEK17 6/16/2011 7:05PM

    You are more “normal” than you know. It seems most of us women yearn for body perfection and have food issues. You’ve come such a long way and are such an inspiration. I’m not sure that the dark cloud goes away permanently for anybody. Your positive choices, putting good food in your body, exercising--all those things, however, should help keep that cloud away more days than not. I’m like you so I understand. Your body may have damage from years of abuse but it’s still beautiful AND strong. You will definitely float down that isle to “oohs and ahs” and as far as being the “hot girl”--well I think you already are.

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Nothing profound to say

Sunday, June 12, 2011

I have been losing interest in the whole process. A bit by bit, day by day. Mostly I have been in denial that it is happening but it is. I am starting to think it is just part of the process. That at this stage this is the biggest obstacle because I am seeing so many of my other successful sparkers who started around the same time I did go through this as well.
I believe this is one of those time that test us. Do we give in and go back to our old way? Gain the weight back and come back on here a year from now 20 lbs higher than when we started beating ourselves up and feeling full of shame. Or do I just suck it up and do what I need to do to be successful and keep losing. It is my choice and has been on my mind for weeks.
Work is good. Finally planning the wedding and dreaming of my dress which is something I never thought I would be excited about. I have stopped hating myself and feel a renewed sense of confidence in myself. People are no longer treating me as an outcast which at first was hard to adjust to and still shocks me each and every time. I am even no longer afraid of children which was a big surprise. I was at the store the other day and there was a man there with 4 children and they were the rowdy say anything kind of kids that normally terrified me. For some unknown reason kids are drawn to me but in the past I have had them say some horrible things about how fat I am or if I was pregnant etc. This time this adorable blond little girl dressed as a princess, flanked by her 3 brothers came up to me and stared at me for a second. Then she said "I really like your necklace" and smiled at me. When she started speaking a pit in my stomach formed and I felt sick expecting the worst. I smiled at her and said "I liked your tiara" she gave me a matter of fact nod and danced away. That was when I realized I truly am "normal" now. There is nothing left to be afraid of and it is ok to lose this weight and be happy. I don't need to keep holding onto anything and I don't need to keep up this wall around myself to keep people out. It is ok to be me.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIMPLE_TAILOR 6/30/2011 3:12PM

    I so understand this. I have been slowly gaining for the last 18-20 month and am currently about 30 lbs higher than my low. I know that I need to do better, but I see so many of the old habits back . . . It is a fight that I wish I didn't have to work through.

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GODDESSELLIE07 6/16/2011 10:39AM

    I hit that point and I made the wrong decision and gained some of my weight back. It took me at least a year to come back (although I never completely left) and get myself back on track. But now, I am at my lowest weight ever and I definitely think I've learned from the experience.

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ECHAVEZ2 6/16/2011 3:33AM

    Sometimes sucking it up and JUST DOING IT is best. I teach unforgiving middle school students and they surely let you know point black what is on their mind. They aren't afraid to ask, and among a group of peers, about any new weight that one puts on. Therefore, having been on this rollercoaster ride and dealing with students comments, I've decided that it is best for me to really make this my lifestyle change and work harder than ever to get to my goal weight. I would say that since you are enjoying the little ones comments and friendliness, perhaps you might JUST DO IT! You are doing great so far. Falling off the wagon is a small battle, so get right back on the horse and ride........You deserve it. You are great for it. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PJH2028 6/15/2011 9:57PM

    Loved and related to this a lot. Thank you for being You, being There and Here, and staying with your process. ;-) paula

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 6/15/2011 9:12PM

    I was just thinking about this myself... all of my constituants who have been with me have started to fall away, I've been falling for 6 months...

Nothing but love.

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4EVERADONEGIRL 6/15/2011 7:35PM

    *like* - great blog!

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KATHLOW 6/15/2011 10:10AM

    it is ok to be you? hell yeah, from my point of view, you all all kinds of shades of wonderful!

Have fun planning the wedding! And yes, this tiredness of the process too shall pass :-)

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HOLLIHOCK6 6/13/2011 3:53PM

    I lost my "focus" a while back and now I'm regretting it terribly. I think about it all the time, where I could have been if I had done what I needed to do.....but instead, i'm starting over and this time I'm having a hard time getting my momentum back. Don't give up. Don't lose your focus! You can do it.

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AARONSGIRL420 6/13/2011 1:04PM

    Kids can be cruel, even with some "positive" observations such as one my 6 year old recently had: " Mama you are not fat anymore". The innocence does not yet have social filters and they speak what is on their minds at all times without realizing what it does to people.

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SEPPIESUSAN 6/13/2011 11:14AM

    You may think you have nothing profound to say, but this really resonates with me:

"I am seeing so many of my other successful sparkers who started around the same time I did go through this as well.
I believe this is one of those time that test us. Do we give in and go back to our old way? Gain the weight back and come back on here a year from now 20 lbs higher than when we started beating ourselves up and feeling full of shame. Or do I just suck it up and do what I need to do to be successful and keep losing. It is my choice"

I don't know when you started Spark, but I have been around for over 4 years and in that time I HAVE gained the weight back and come back full of shame multiple times. It took years to finally get to a point where I knew to "suck it up and do what I need to do to be successful." Thank you for writing this!

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CYNDERROSE 6/13/2011 11:13AM

    I usually feel uncomfortable around kids, even my own at times emoticon emoticon, but had to say what a wonder interactoin with them. Kid smiles are the best.

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MARTELLA3 6/13/2011 10:00AM

    "The shape of your body obeys the shape of your beliefs about love, value and possibility." Geenen Roth in Women, Food and God.

This statement rocked me to the core. It sounds as if you are in a place where your beliefs are changing to catch up with your body's new shape.

Marty

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MIZCATHI 6/13/2011 6:44AM

    I used to feel uncomfortable around little children I didn't know as well. Now they just smile at me, and it's lovely.

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DSJB9999 6/13/2011 1:44AM

    I know what you mean its great to be "normal" weight wise again! And to blend into the background! But it gives us confidence too adn that is fantastic.
emoticon

Don't stress about the plateau we all go through this.

Its worth it! emoticon



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SCHENPOSSIBLE 6/12/2011 11:43PM

    wonderful change

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KTTAYLOR21 6/12/2011 11:33PM

    One of my fav shows is "Say Yes To The Dress"... makes me want to go wedding dress shopping and I'm already married.

Be happy!! You are awesome, anyone who don't know that is insane and I only know you through your blogs. Plan that wedding and be excited about it, your already have an awesome man to go with your awesome personality!!

emoticon

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ECONLADY 6/12/2011 11:10PM

    Unfortunately no one said this was going to be easy. You are doing terrific and just hang in, because you can do it! Start blogging about your wedding. I've been married for almost 22 years and I love hearing about other people's wedding!

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ANITA_NM 6/12/2011 11:08PM

    I've decided that it's what you do when you hit the plateau that matters. You're keeping on the right track, and keeping your attitude up - perfect! :) And glad you had that positive experience in the store with the little girl.

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CJANSEN40 6/12/2011 9:44PM

    Great change isn't it! Keep up the great work

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IMIN2GENES 6/12/2011 9:40PM

    That's great! I know what you mean though... it seems like a lot of people have been blogging about a similar place in their journey. I haven't quite hit it yet; but, I'm so glad to hear you talk about it so openly. It makes me less afraid to face it when I get there. So, thank you for that!

What a wonderful interaction with the kids, that must have felt great! Have fun finding your dress. I'm sure you'll be gorgeous!
Chris

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OJIBWEEQUAY 6/12/2011 9:21PM

    I was there!! Stayed awhile and wish I hadn't. It took me 18 months to lose 35 pounds! And look at you! You have done amazing!!!! Sometimes I say to heck with it, then I notice small things, like TRICEPS and I get motivated again!!!! LOL! You got this girl!!! emoticon

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 6/12/2011 9:19PM

    You are wonderful! Glad you had that great moment with the little girl.



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TWINSMOMMY607 6/12/2011 9:15PM

    Everyone hits a plateau, it makes you stronger person to break through it and to gain speed on the other side. You can totally do this, look at how far you have come!!

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AGALAVIZ 6/12/2011 9:02PM

    Hey girl!
The reasons you listed above are reason enough to keep on going!!! :) You're doing fantastic you have to hang in there for sure!!! Maybe joining a new team or setting new goals would help?? Or maybe hiring a trainer for a couple of weeks to re-energize you?? I am working my tail off on a 10.5 week challenge if you want to join me?? I am going to California in August with my daughter and want to be looking fab! I am just starting today so the timing would be good. I wish you luck and to be fully re-energized on your journey!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ADRIANNALOUISE 6/12/2011 8:57PM

    emoticon what a wonderful feeling! emoticon

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Getting out of my own way

Sunday, June 05, 2011

A recent blog of one of amazingly insightful sparkbuddies MEZZOANGEL and the movie "Country Strong" made me do an enormous amount of thinking yesterday and today. Not that I don't do that every single day, my brain is constantly swirling full of thoughts, but they both gave direction to those thoughts.
www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
urnal_individual.asp?blog_id=4278146


The honesty about feeling numb in this blog is what really touched a nerve for me. Country Strong was one of the most emotionally honest movies I have ever seen, also about coping with trying to numb pain. Emotional pain is one of those things that is largely ignored or downplayed yet affect every aspect of our lives. Somehow victims of physical abuse are considered to have it worse than people who were psychologically victimized. As a survivor of both I can tell you one is not any less scaring than the other.
As work as started to get better I realized that my deep seated emotional problems have been holding me back professionally. I am defensive and don't criticism well, really who does, but I believe excessively so because I have spent most of my life being criticized. When I feel attacked I go into attack mode. My coping mechanism is eating. It is for most of us on here. When I am eating I don't have to feel or think or care. Drinking provides the same release but I rarely drink anymore. Hiding my eating enabled the habit. As I had to deal with the stress of work and potentially losing my job I put my healthy eating on the back burner. This morning I took a brutal look at my behavior and I have been eating like I was when I was 300 lbs. We all know were I would end up again if I didn't put a stop to this.
Instead of an empty promise to "start again tomorrow" or the phrase I hate more than anything on earth "get back on the wagon" I decided to really think about why I have been eating to cope again. Having my bosses attack me the way that they have over the last 2 months has been traumatizing. In an effort to keep my job I had to swallow my pride, nod my head and tell they are right, and make the changes they wanted me to make. Do I think they are right? A little but not completely. However I made the decision that I can not spend my life acting like a rebellious 13 year old and quit my job every time I don't like the way someone else does something. Part of life is getting along with other people and if I was going to take anything away from this job it was going to be to learn to handle conflict better.
This week my boss told me she never thought I could do all the things she asked of me to do. There were still a lot of things she said I disagree with but I have made the conscious decision to start taking what I want from situations and leave the bad stuff behind. This can apply to my whole life. Maybe I will never be able to wash away all of the abuse I suffered, in fact I am positive I can not, but I can let it go and stop letting it control all aspects of my life. I am not a victim anymore and eating to numb myself is counter productive to the life I want. In the last week 2 different members of fiancés family told him they were stunned by how much I have changed and how happy they are for me. I want to keep feeling this way.
Not hating myself had interesting side effects. It also made me complacent. Once I reached a weight that I was attractive again and felt good about myself I stopped trying so hard. However the reality is I am not where I want to be yet. If I was there I would not be eating to hand stress the way I have been these past few weeks. The only reason I think I have not regained weight is because I haven't been doing it daily. More like alternating good and bad days. Emotional scars are the hardest to face because they are hidden. There is no physical reminder of our pain, just emotional. Those are easier to ignore or misinterpret.
A healthy life is a life that is in balance and lets go of pain. As we let the pain go and improve ourselves it does get easier. Tonight I went to the gym and attacked the weights and I could feel the anger melting. Finding a way to cope is what this is all about. It may be different for each of us but there is a solution outside of destructive habits. It might be easier to eat or drink but neither of those things will bring us what we desire. The life you want is possible. Opportunities exist for those who show up and take them. So I am going to stop being the only roadblock in my own road to happiness and let myself let it go and be happy.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FUSCHIA6 6/12/2011 1:14AM

    Thanks you for your honest sharing. It bugs me how my sisters can go into extreme denial on Facebook about how we grew up. Last week, it was remembering "the good old days" when parents didn't swear. I asked my sister if we grew up in the same house (every second word my father spoke was a swear word.) That prompted my other sister to tell me not to air our dirty laundry in public. What do I think of it? Denial reigns supreme. Those who forget the past are destined to repeat it. Everyone has crap & we night as well be honest about our problems instead of covering them up. If you are lying to "friends" about who you are, are they really your friend? I have big issues with feeling like I belong. Every so often at work I absolutely melt & can not get a grip. I really need to face the beliefs that I have about myself on this issue. Pretending doesn't help.
I love your blog.

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WSPDAVE 6/11/2011 10:30PM

    Hey Ashley, what can I say other than great Blog.

As I read your words I thought a lot about my career and the people I have had to tolerate. I was reminded of the things that I did to myself because of how I felt about the people I really did not like or did not respect. I was reminded of something that a very good friend of mind shared with me, that may help you through the same difficult times. The Serenity Prayer when understood is truly the answer.

It took me a little while to figure it out, because I am not a religious person and only a bit spiritual. When I looked at the message and figured it out, it was quite a realization. Today, when I am confronted with the same type of difficult people I try to remind myself of the message in the Serenity Prayer in order to keep my sanity.

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OJIBWEEQUAY 6/10/2011 1:54PM

    YES! Even the title slapped me along side the head!!!! I have been falling under the same trap!!! No pounds lost!!! But I got this and so do you! Lets turn the tides girl! emoticon emoticon

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ERIN4771 6/9/2011 11:32AM

    very insightful my friend..i have to agree, we never really forget the abuse we may have gone thru, but, we learn to cope and realize it's not what defines us...
acting like a rebellious teenager happens, i do it at times as well, although with my sarcastic comments, most people never realize it, but, it's hard not to get defensive and want to bite back when you are being bitten yourself...but, like you said , we can take what we want from any situation, the good, that bad, the ugly, the choice is ours....and i am glad you are choosing to let yourself go be happy....you deserve it my friend...

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DEBBIE19580 6/8/2011 3:22PM

    you are so right ashley. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BADASSBLONDIE 6/8/2011 2:43PM

    *hugshard* Thank you for this post. It's given me a lot to think about. *hugs*

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CHRISTINA791 6/8/2011 12:51PM

    A very well timed and insightful post. Thank you for this.

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PATTILYNN224 6/7/2011 9:20AM

  Thank you for sharing. You have brought a lot of thought to the table with your post and I am grateful.

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RUNNINGSAVEDME 6/6/2011 6:47PM

    I love you. It's as simple as that.

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RAVENSONG37 6/6/2011 4:02PM

    Thank you for being awesome and sharing yourself with me.

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MADEMCHE 6/6/2011 12:34PM

    "A healthy life is a life that is in balance and lets go of pain." That may be one of the most inspirational and insightful things I have read in a very long time. Thank you. Thank you for putting into words what I have been trying to do for the last few years, and why I feel better every day. Be happy Ash. And whatever you have to do in order to get there, do it! You know the way, you can do anything that you put your mind to. You are something special, I am so happy we are in this together!! Hugs.

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SAMMYSWEETPEA 6/6/2011 10:55AM

    I couldn't agree with you more that emotional abuse is not as recognized as other types. And I totally understand how hard it is to heal. I'm still working on not eating to smother the feelings.

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VEEJAY3 6/6/2011 10:20AM

    Wow, woman! Your emotional workout is even more admirable than your physical workouts! And your achievements in both mind and body are what make you a fierce finisher.
See how many of us are here, cheering you on from the sidelines? WE ALL think you're amazing.

Comment edited on: 6/6/2011 10:20:45 AM

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KATHLOW 6/6/2011 10:07AM

    very good blog. This is true for so many of us

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BEINGGUIDED 6/6/2011 9:26AM

    Thank you for these open and honest words

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CRE8URHAPPY 6/6/2011 7:39AM

    emoticon for sharing! Wow! So many can relate to this. I know most of us have, at one time or another thwarted our own efforts. I know I have. Way to acknowledge, adapt, and advance forward. You are a strong woman, who can do ANYTHING she sets her mind to accomplish!

Kudos girl!

Great blog!

emoticon

Tiffany

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WSPDAVE 6/6/2011 12:08AM

    Hey Ashley, what can I say other than great Blog.

As I read your words I thought a lot about my career and the people I have had to tolerate. I was reminded of the things that I did to myself because of how I felt about the people I really did not like or did not respect. I was reminded of something that a very good friend of mind shared with me, that may help you through the same difficult times. The Serenity Prayer when understood is truly the answer.

It took me a little while to figure it out, because I am not a religious person and only a bit spiritual. When I looked at the message and figured it out, it was quite a realization. Today, when I am confronted with the same type of difficult people I try to remind myself of the message in the Serenity Prayer in order to keep my sanity.

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IBSHAUN 6/5/2011 11:28PM

    I am not sure which comment to start with - it's already been said, "thanks for sharing." But really, thank you for sharing. It helps you to work thorough it, it makes us think about things in our own lives, and it brings more connections in this journey. Sending you wishes of strength as you continue forward.

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KRISKECK 6/5/2011 9:36PM

    Great job in taking control of the only thing we can control -- our responses to the challenges life throws our way! I've been struggling with some similar issues and I am happy for your successes, as I am for mine. Let's keep it up - I have faith in us!

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SKYEPHOENIX 6/5/2011 9:31PM

    I LOVE your blogs. I love how they trigger a-HA! moments all over my brain. And I love how you're CHANGING, not just your body but your mind as well. Your blogs are almost like a little map--a window into a way of changing the stuff on the inside, of...getting out of your own way. :) Probably one of the hardest things for people to do is SEE that they need to change stuff, let alone take the STEPS needed TO change. Awesome, awesome post. :)

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 6/5/2011 9:13PM

    Thank you for sharing with us. I think, in looking back, that I went to being even more sarcastic and quick to anger after a break in that shook me.



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ECONLADY 6/5/2011 8:57PM

    I understand and appreciate where you are coming from. I am also a victim of both and it is difficult to tell anybody. They treat you differently afterward. I think they don't want to admit it happens. I have spent almost 50 years beating myself up and have recently said enough. Good Luck!

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HAPPYCUPCAKE 6/5/2011 8:37PM

    Wow, I can really relate to this blog on a lot of levels. Food is how we numb the hurt and pain. And no, your past will not go away, but you are on the right track by venting, and pin pointing what has triggered you.

Also, you've inspired me to rent "Country Strong"-- it sounds like an awesome movie!

Great blog!

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KAMAPERRY 6/5/2011 8:32PM

    Awesome, awesome blog. We make our own choices and therefore shape our destinies, no matter what has gone on before.

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MAMADWARF 6/5/2011 8:21PM

    Yes. Please. Be happy. I want that for you on every level.

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Where the heck have I been?

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Yes, I have logged in everyday. Yes, I have been lurking about but not commenting because it sucks to do it on my phone. Where the heck have I been? Proving to myself and my bosses that I am the best damn thing that ever happened to them and you know what? I blew their freaking minds.
I had a meeting this week with one of the owners and they told me that 2 months ago they thought I was going to quit and had given up. That I didn't care anymore. That there was not a chance I was going to prove them wrong. NO ONE tells me I am a failure. NO ONE makes me feel like I am a failure and the best way to get me to something is tell me I can't.
In the last 60 days I tripled my sales, nailed several huge clients and in general have been kicking butt and taking names. Somewhere in there I have been managing to work out regularly and feel really great again. This is the first week I have not been able to get to my 4 days a week minimum goal. I took a personal day last Friday and got to spend almost the whole long weekend with my fiancé. We have not had that much time off together since our last vacation which was last August excluding my grandmother's funeral but that is not time off. He took Friday off to surprise me as well, yes, he is pretty freaking awesome. In the morning I went to meet with a mentor at my local SCORE chapter and I am so glad I did. He is awesome, very connected and brought with him the chapter leader. They both told me at least 3 times that I blew their minds and that I am better prepared than 99.9% of the people that come in to meet with them. I learned so many things that I never would have thought and they are going to help me fill in the blanks in the areas I don't have experience. I left feeling pretty jazzed about the whole thing. That afternoon we went shopping and ran a few errands and then came home and made dinner together. Best wild salmon ever for me and a truly delicious steak for him. It was so wonderful to just be together and no pressure.
Saturday he went out with the boys during the day to watch a soccer game and that is when I realized that food is a huge emotional comfort for me. I was angry that he left me on a holiday weekend when everyone I knew was away and I immediately sought food for comfort. I went to Homegoods and walked around for a bit and then food shopping for our BBQ on Sunday. All I could think about was what kind of takeout I was going to eat that night because he "abandoned me". My abandonment issues are much more deep rooted than I ever imagined. Yes, rationally I want him to have friends and I want to have friends but emotionally I feel like he is choosing them over me and I feel sad. I am sure it is a leftover remnant from my abusive childhood but I wish I could get past it. Truly. It isn't healthy for either of us.
He called me around 6 and asked if I wanted to meet him and his friends and go out for dinner with their respective wives and go dancing. It was fun and salsa dancing is not only great exercise but also one of our favorite things to do together. We always have a great time and he also made a huge effort to communicate with me that night about how going out with his friends with me was important to him and something he really wanted me to do. He usually would not have told me something like that and we are both finding that in the last 6 months we have almost not fought at all because we are making such an effort to communicate our needs to each other. I love this man to pieces.
Sunday we had a cookout with both families and I snuck in healthy foods. My sister in law was psyched because she had put on a few pounds and my niece is getting a bit chubby since she moved here. All she eats is fries and fried chicken and it freaks me out a bit but I would never say anything. Not my place. We all had a great time and the men spent a good hour trying to get our new couch into our apartment. Eventually they had to flip it over the back porch (we are on the second floor) with a rope system. Tons of work but it is here and I love it :).
Monday we went shopping for clothes and I bought my first ever size 18 since I was actually 18!!! I couldn't believe it fit. I still can't believe it does. I made it into the teens again with all of you and it feels great. Once I am out of the 20's for good I will be even more happy.
Work this week is pretty insane. Always is this time of year with graduations etc but I work more with corporations than social clients and it is still nuts. I have no idea what is going on but it is a good thing! Yeah money. The first farmer's market of the season is this Saturday in my neighborhood and I am pretty sad because I realized I have an appointment that I made months ago that will prevent me from going. It will keep me away the exact hours the market is open. Grrrr, I am so going next weekend. Fresh strawberries will be mine!
I have missed all of you and I don't want any of you to think I quit or I don't care about you. I am here and I care. I am cheering you all on from the sidelines, just not commenting. Keep working, the rewards are worth it. I truly believe that without losing as much weight as I have so far I would not being having all the success in life I am having now. You are worth it. I am worth it. Hugs

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COOKWITHME65 6/10/2011 8:31AM

    Sounds like you had a great weekend Ashley! Congrats on increasing your sales.

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ERIN4771 6/9/2011 11:27AM

    i wasn't worried...i figured you had lots going on, and after reading this...wow, was i correct!! congrats on the improvements at work, sounds like you are finally being appreciated for being the kick *ss person i already know you are!!
as for the abandonment issues, we all have them on some level, i think the thing to remember is it's important for you both to have your own space from time to time, doesn't mean you love each other less or don't want to spend time together, but, it's an opportunity to get your won things done, watch the movies he isn't that keen on or maybe just having a bubble bath with some champagne...
congrats on the size 18, i am sooooo proud of you my friend!!! and will we be seeing some new progress pictures any time soon (hint hint...i say hopefully emoticon)

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RAVENSONG37 6/6/2011 4:01PM

    I have the same abandonment = food issues. Keep working on it woman...you will get thru it!

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BELLALUCIA 6/6/2011 3:53PM

    Keep at it dear. U rock!

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KATHLOW 6/6/2011 10:05AM

    That sounds like a wonderful weekend! Love you!

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KTTAYLOR21 6/5/2011 9:39PM

    I'm not going to tell you how many times I have been to your page eagerly waiting for a blog!! A TON!!! Glad your back... congrats on getting into an 18!!! 16 here you come!!

emoticon

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AGALAVIZ 6/5/2011 1:27PM

    Awesome Girl!!!! :) What a great update!!! emoticon

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OJIBWEEQUAY 6/3/2011 1:53PM

    We were on the same page with Salsa dancing!!! My Hubby is pretty shy so it was great for him to go! Um do not recommend doing it in 4 inch espadrilles though!!! You are doing great!! Size 18????Awesome!!!!! emoticon emoticon

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TREASURINGLIFE 6/3/2011 12:32PM

    What a wonderful update!!!! LOVE IT! :)

Have a fantastic weekend!

- Michelle

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LESLIES537 6/3/2011 11:06AM

    YESS, you ARE worth it! You really are kicking butt and taking names! NO ONE puts baby in a corner! lol emoticon emoticon Seriously though, I just love your kick-butt and take names attitude. Show 'em what you got, girl! emoticon

And a BIG CONGRATS on the size 18's!! Freakin' emoticon!

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HOPE2011 6/3/2011 10:49AM

    It sounds like you've had a lot of excitement lately! Congrats to you for everything, especially the size 18's! How awesome for you - great job! emoticon

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KARENZIO 6/3/2011 10:15AM

    Glad things are going so well. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 6/3/2011 9:50AM

    Sounds like you are doing awesome! Yeah on size 18!!! What I think is even more awesome is that you and your fiancé are communicating!

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NEWJEWELS4LIFE 6/3/2011 9:34AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WILLIAMV3 6/3/2011 9:17AM

    I'm glad to hear things are going well. Have a wonderful weekend. emoticon

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CHICAT63 6/3/2011 7:42AM

    So happy that things are good for you ! Excellent for the size 18 you rock, have a great weekend. Take some time for you even if you are super busy:)

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LUVDOGZ 6/3/2011 6:29AM

    I am so glad things are going well for you! Congrats on the size 18! emoticon

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MADEMCHE 6/2/2011 11:52PM

    I am so very very happy for you. You sound so upbeat and positive and even things that got you down a month ago are being pushed aside. You are an amazing woman and I am so happy for you and A. You have got this!

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LUCKYDOGFARM 6/2/2011 11:19PM

    Ashley, i am so glad that things are all going so well for you! Yay!!!

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MSPRING1987 6/2/2011 11:15PM

    Awesome blog! Looks like you have been busy! But you have made LIFE changes on spark so that is why you are sticking with it! Kuddos to you! Congrats!

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MAMADWARF 6/2/2011 11:15PM

    Yea... great Blog!! Loved hearing about your weekend and how things went. A SIZE 18????? That is fan-riggin-tastic. Now I have to go try the size 18 jeans on that I bought a few months ago cause I will NOT have you outdoing me! rofl.... I am so proud of you ash...

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KAMAPERRY 6/2/2011 11:05PM

    You are doing awesome!

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TADTURC 6/2/2011 10:47PM

    Glad to hear things are going well! WooHoo for the 18's!!!!

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TISHA80 6/2/2011 10:43PM

    emoticon I'm so happy that things are going well for you! :)

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LEANNROCKS 6/2/2011 10:20PM

    WOOHOO! You are on such a roll! You show'd 'em!



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KIMBYUT 6/2/2011 10:12PM

    I've been thinking about you! And, I know we've had this discussion about before about sparking on our phones & that it generally sucks. That being said, I'm on my phone now, so I'll keep this short (I've really got to suck it up & replace my home computer!) just know I'm so very proud of you!

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ECONLADY 6/2/2011 9:30PM

    I'm glad things are going well. You were smart to connect the dots on the emotional eating. Keep up the good work!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 6/2/2011 9:11PM

    Sounds like you've been crazy busy! What an awesome weekend you've had. You're totally rockin' it!

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IMIN2GENES 6/2/2011 8:55PM

    Thanks for the update! It's nice to hear that things are going so well. Congratulations on your many successes!
Chris

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ADALAI 6/2/2011 8:41PM

    Thank you for checking in and LOOK AT you GO woman!

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ALOFA0509 6/2/2011 8:41PM

   
Hi Sista!!! What a wonderful update, soo happy to hear all is going soo FRICKIN AWSUM,, emoticon emoticon emoticon

Hugs 2U, Alofa

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DEBBIE19580 6/2/2011 8:09PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TAKINBACKMYBODY 6/2/2011 7:36PM

    Keep it up - you're doing fabulous!!! emoticon emoticon

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MARTELLA3 6/2/2011 7:11PM

    You sound so happy that I feel happy just reading about all of your successes!

Congratulations on your seeing the payoff for all of your hard work and dedication.

Marty

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ROCKMAN6797 6/2/2011 7:06PM

    So glad to hear that everything seems to be going good for you!
Also very nice that you are able to identify and, hopefully, work through some of your life issues!
Keep up the great work and keep on kicking butt!

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SLEEPYDEAN 6/2/2011 6:51PM

    Alright! So nice to read about your recent accomplishments and breakthroughs in your thinking and your relationship. Hope you can keep up with your fitness goals in the coming, busy weeks!

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IBSHAUN 6/2/2011 6:50PM

    So nice to catch up with you! I can feel your energy in your blog and it is awesome!! It sounds to me like you have found a pretty good rhythm (even if it is hectic) with your life. Keep communicating with your fiance! It is so important!! And, individual time away, with respective friends is also very valuable time to a relationship. So glad you checked in!

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BEFIT_WITHGUSTO 6/2/2011 6:46PM

    Glad to hear things are going so well with you!! Thanks for checking in! :)

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The Meaning of life....

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

....is to live it.

The universe has a sick sense of humor. Never did I think I would have a major life epiphany on the way home from the gym reading bumper stickers but it really doesn't get that more simple. How do you find motivation? How do you change your life? How do you find happiness?

GET OUT AND LIVE

You are not going to find yourself or your bliss at the bottom of a pint of ice cream, bottle of vodka, or on the couch. Get up and move for the pleasure of moving. Take your kids, hubby, dog, heck just yourself and go for a walk and admire the beauty that we don't take the time to see day to day because we are so busy rushing around. What are we rushing for? Is that extra 15 minutes at work going to make you happier? Most likely not. Is chaining yourself to a treadmill because you have to burn a certain number of calories a day going to make you happy? Meh, I doubt it. Find your bliss and follow it. This whole journey is about making yourself happy and when you find it that is when you will find the key to being healthy and living in balance.
Wish me luck on Friday when I go meet with a mentor at my local branch of SCORE who is going to help me launch my business because I am going to live my life, happy.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SM-ARTGIRL 5/28/2011 7:34PM

    How did it go? I can sense your excitement with getting your business idea up, good luck with it Ashley!

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RIGBY31 5/28/2011 7:09AM

    Find your bliss and follow it.... perfectly simple. Thanks!

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HEALTHYONE2008 5/27/2011 7:49PM

    So true,
Let's all Get Out and Live. Also never give up on your dreams.
Wishing you the best on yours.

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NEENSTER1 5/27/2011 2:25PM

    Amen! Get Out and Live. emoticon

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BELLALUCIA 5/27/2011 2:21PM

    Happy for u!

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SPOOKYTHECAT 5/27/2011 9:17AM

    What an awesome quote~ I love it. Best of love & luck & everything on your new venture!!

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COOKWITHME65 5/26/2011 9:41PM

    Sending you lots of well wishes Ashley. I don't thing you need luck. Your a strong woman Ashley. I think you will do great presenting your visions to them.

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GIANTMICROBE 5/26/2011 6:59PM

    I am so excited about your business!

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NUTS4NUTELLA 5/26/2011 6:47PM

    Ashley, this reminds me of one of my favorite Oscar Wilde quotes, “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” Have you heard of it? It totally reminds me of you! You don't merely exist, you live your life!
I wish you tons of luck tomorrow!
emoticon
Pilar

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DEBBIE19580 5/26/2011 2:05PM

    good luck friday ashley, your going to do so good with your business!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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F1AMEDIVA 5/26/2011 12:35PM

    Good luck Friday!!!! Hope your mentor has tons of good ideas for you. Grab your dreams! emoticon

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LETTINGGO85 5/26/2011 10:35AM

    Good Luck on Friday! Congrats on following your dreams!

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SHRINKINGMOMTO4 5/26/2011 8:40AM

    Good Luck on Friday! If you want to be happy, then just BE. Right? :)

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TIME4AMY 5/26/2011 8:03AM

    Well said!

Follow your heart...NEVER forget the simple things in life...

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ANGELOO29 5/26/2011 7:53AM

    Woohoo! Good luck!

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TARANITUP 5/26/2011 6:33AM

    Right on!

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ERIN4771 5/26/2011 6:22AM

    sometimes we find inspiration in the most unlikely spots, you gotta love it!! good luck on friday!! emoticon

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KATHLOW 5/26/2011 3:47AM

    Good luck on friday! And have to agree with you...again!

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ALOFA0509 5/26/2011 2:27AM

   
Mmmmm.Hmmm girl you got that right!!! "Get busy living or Get busy dying!!!" (Shawshank) Good luck with your mentor,, GR8 news emoticon emoticon

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ROCKMAN6797 5/25/2011 11:22PM

    Good luck this coming Friday Ashley!
Get out and live!

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IMIN2GENES 5/25/2011 11:15PM

    Good luck on Friday! I'll send positive thoughts your way.

Thanks for sharing your epiphany. It's a timely reminder!
Chris


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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 5/25/2011 10:50PM

    Good luck on Friday!! You can do it!

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ECONLADY 5/25/2011 10:50PM

    I have always believed all the answers are in front of us, we just have to listen, emoticon

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LESLIES537 5/25/2011 10:20PM

    emoticon blog! Best of luck on Friday!!

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IBSHAUN 5/25/2011 10:14PM

    Inspiration can come from the strangest places and sometimes those bumper stickers are the best source. Good luck on Friday!!

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LUCKYDOGFARM 5/25/2011 10:01PM

    Yay Ashley! Those bumper stickers are worth reading on occasion!

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MSPRING1987 5/25/2011 9:54PM

    Woohoo! Go girl! emoticon

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MAMADWARF 5/25/2011 9:01PM

    you got it all figured out and I LOVE it!!

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MADEMCHE 5/25/2011 8:52PM

    You said it girl!

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KIMBYUT 5/25/2011 8:32PM

    I was just reading a blog (not on SP) about "living out loud" and taking the time to find your joy, whether that means going to a park, taking the scenic route to work, having a "joy party" with friends (just getting together for the purpose of a joyous occasion), etc. My mission this long weekend, to find additional joy :).

This reminds me of a quote: "Life is a great big canvas and you should throw all the paint you can on it."


Good luck Friday, be sure to let us know how it goes, I'll be thinking of you!

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JSPIN74 5/25/2011 8:32PM

    thanks for sharing this energy...it's good for me...especially before resting for the evening :)


luck!!! i know you'll get it done (live your life happy that is)

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KRISKECK 5/25/2011 8:30PM

    You go for it girl!! It is good to do what makes you happy! That being said, ake sure you go in fully educated and with eyes wide open!! But go in and live love laugh leap!!! Otherwise it just isn't worth it! Much love, Kristin

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