Thursday, June 16, 2011
I went out for dinner last night with my "Man of Honor" so someone would listen to me yammer on about my wedding (not just for that, he is my best friend too and I hadn't seen him in awhile) but since so few people seem to actually care about my wedding it was nice to have someone listen and be excited for me. We also chatted about his relationship and how his SO has such a fear of failure that he won't even try to change his life for the better. He would rather live in fairy land and let people think he is brilliant that do anything that is risky.
This really got me thinking about my own weight loss situation. Today I was nervous all day. Nervous that I can't control myself in the face of sugar. Nervous that I will fail at this new lifestyle. The fear is paralyzing, yet sneaky because I had not heard it creep silently upon me.
Fear is the enemy. Fear prevents change and progress. It is ok to not be successful on a first attempt. It is not ok to not even try. That is true failure. To give up, to refuse to adapt. No this isn't easy. Yes, I will have to fight every day for a long time, maybe my whole life, to overcome my compulsion to eat. What I need to focus on is the desire to eat versus the need to eat. I have lost that feelings somewhere along the way. What is true hunger.
Sometimes I think that all of these are just words. That they have no actual value. Are we all just talking about it but it any of it real?
Sometimes I think food is the only constant in my life. People leave and disappoint you. You get rejected and abandoned. Only food is a constant that makes me happy. I used to believe it would never hurt me but that is a lie. The comfort, the numbness, is only temporary. I want to be free of this disappointment with my body. I don't hate it anymore but just feel this lingering apathy. That damage I did to my body I am positive is irreparable. Having to pay for my addiction the rest of my life is sad and overwhelming. I had tried to convince myself that I would snap back. My body would be the exception or surgery could fix me. I need to face the reality that this isn't true. Maybe I will shrink back a bit but not enough. Are the scars from surgery going to be worth it? I wish it was that simple. One easy surgery and I would be free. Somehow I doubt it happens with so little consequence for everyone.
Is it vain to want to be hot even for a few moments of my life? To enjoy the attention? I never got to experience that in my 20's or even teens. I was the "fat" friend. the one insecure pretty girls hung out with because I wasn't a threat. I want to float down the aisle in whatever fluffy confection I chose to ooh's and aah's from our guests. For my first marriage I wore a dress off the rack I bought 6 weeks before the wedding because I was too scared to try on real wedding dresses. How sad of an experience is that??? No joy in it at all.
I will find the right dress for me and not be ashamed. My label size does not make me any more or less of a human being. I had a good day today. Laughing with coworkers, talking about wedding dresses, dreaming of my future and wishing I was "normal". I want that dark cloud to go away. I am going to do everything in my power to make this experience nothing like the first one. I have the power to do it.
Sunday, June 05, 2011
A recent blog of one of amazingly insightful sparkbuddies MEZZOANGEL and the movie "Country Strong" made me do an enormous amount of thinking yesterday and today. Not that I don't do that every single day, my brain is constantly swirling full of thoughts, but they both gave direction to those thoughts.
The honesty about feeling numb in this blog is what really touched a nerve for me. Country Strong was one of the most emotionally honest movies I have ever seen, also about coping with trying to numb pain. Emotional pain is one of those things that is largely ignored or downplayed yet affect every aspect of our lives. Somehow victims of physical abuse are considered to have it worse than people who were psychologically victimized. As a survivor of both I can tell you one is not any less scaring than the other.
As work as started to get better I realized that my deep seated emotional problems have been holding me back professionally. I am defensive and don't criticism well, really who does, but I believe excessively so because I have spent most of my life being criticized. When I feel attacked I go into attack mode. My coping mechanism is eating. It is for most of us on here. When I am eating I don't have to feel or think or care. Drinking provides the same release but I rarely drink anymore. Hiding my eating enabled the habit. As I had to deal with the stress of work and potentially losing my job I put my healthy eating on the back burner. This morning I took a brutal look at my behavior and I have been eating like I was when I was 300 lbs. We all know were I would end up again if I didn't put a stop to this.
Instead of an empty promise to "start again tomorrow" or the phrase I hate more than anything on earth "get back on the wagon" I decided to really think about why I have been eating to cope again. Having my bosses attack me the way that they have over the last 2 months has been traumatizing. In an effort to keep my job I had to swallow my pride, nod my head and tell they are right, and make the changes they wanted me to make. Do I think they are right? A little but not completely. However I made the decision that I can not spend my life acting like a rebellious 13 year old and quit my job every time I don't like the way someone else does something. Part of life is getting along with other people and if I was going to take anything away from this job it was going to be to learn to handle conflict better.
This week my boss told me she never thought I could do all the things she asked of me to do. There were still a lot of things she said I disagree with but I have made the conscious decision to start taking what I want from situations and leave the bad stuff behind. This can apply to my whole life. Maybe I will never be able to wash away all of the abuse I suffered, in fact I am positive I can not, but I can let it go and stop letting it control all aspects of my life. I am not a victim anymore and eating to numb myself is counter productive to the life I want. In the last week 2 different members of fiancés family told him they were stunned by how much I have changed and how happy they are for me. I want to keep feeling this way.
Not hating myself had interesting side effects. It also made me complacent. Once I reached a weight that I was attractive again and felt good about myself I stopped trying so hard. However the reality is I am not where I want to be yet. If I was there I would not be eating to hand stress the way I have been these past few weeks. The only reason I think I have not regained weight is because I haven't been doing it daily. More like alternating good and bad days. Emotional scars are the hardest to face because they are hidden. There is no physical reminder of our pain, just emotional. Those are easier to ignore or misinterpret.
A healthy life is a life that is in balance and lets go of pain. As we let the pain go and improve ourselves it does get easier. Tonight I went to the gym and attacked the weights and I could feel the anger melting. Finding a way to cope is what this is all about. It may be different for each of us but there is a solution outside of destructive habits. It might be easier to eat or drink but neither of those things will bring us what we desire. The life you want is possible. Opportunities exist for those who show up and take them. So I am going to stop being the only roadblock in my own road to happiness and let myself let it go and be happy.
Thursday, June 02, 2011
Yes, I have logged in everyday. Yes, I have been lurking about but not commenting because it sucks to do it on my phone. Where the heck have I been? Proving to myself and my bosses that I am the best damn thing that ever happened to them and you know what? I blew their freaking minds.
I had a meeting this week with one of the owners and they told me that 2 months ago they thought I was going to quit and had given up. That I didn't care anymore. That there was not a chance I was going to prove them wrong. NO ONE tells me I am a failure. NO ONE makes me feel like I am a failure and the best way to get me to something is tell me I can't.
In the last 60 days I tripled my sales, nailed several huge clients and in general have been kicking butt and taking names. Somewhere in there I have been managing to work out regularly and feel really great again. This is the first week I have not been able to get to my 4 days a week minimum goal. I took a personal day last Friday and got to spend almost the whole long weekend with my fiancé. We have not had that much time off together since our last vacation which was last August excluding my grandmother's funeral but that is not time off. He took Friday off to surprise me as well, yes, he is pretty freaking awesome. In the morning I went to meet with a mentor at my local SCORE chapter and I am so glad I did. He is awesome, very connected and brought with him the chapter leader. They both told me at least 3 times that I blew their minds and that I am better prepared than 99.9% of the people that come in to meet with them. I learned so many things that I never would have thought and they are going to help me fill in the blanks in the areas I don't have experience. I left feeling pretty jazzed about the whole thing. That afternoon we went shopping and ran a few errands and then came home and made dinner together. Best wild salmon ever for me and a truly delicious steak for him. It was so wonderful to just be together and no pressure.
Saturday he went out with the boys during the day to watch a soccer game and that is when I realized that food is a huge emotional comfort for me. I was angry that he left me on a holiday weekend when everyone I knew was away and I immediately sought food for comfort. I went to Homegoods and walked around for a bit and then food shopping for our BBQ on Sunday. All I could think about was what kind of takeout I was going to eat that night because he "abandoned me". My abandonment issues are much more deep rooted than I ever imagined. Yes, rationally I want him to have friends and I want to have friends but emotionally I feel like he is choosing them over me and I feel sad. I am sure it is a leftover remnant from my abusive childhood but I wish I could get past it. Truly. It isn't healthy for either of us.
He called me around 6 and asked if I wanted to meet him and his friends and go out for dinner with their respective wives and go dancing. It was fun and salsa dancing is not only great exercise but also one of our favorite things to do together. We always have a great time and he also made a huge effort to communicate with me that night about how going out with his friends with me was important to him and something he really wanted me to do. He usually would not have told me something like that and we are both finding that in the last 6 months we have almost not fought at all because we are making such an effort to communicate our needs to each other. I love this man to pieces.
Sunday we had a cookout with both families and I snuck in healthy foods. My sister in law was psyched because she had put on a few pounds and my niece is getting a bit chubby since she moved here. All she eats is fries and fried chicken and it freaks me out a bit but I would never say anything. Not my place. We all had a great time and the men spent a good hour trying to get our new couch into our apartment. Eventually they had to flip it over the back porch (we are on the second floor) with a rope system. Tons of work but it is here and I love it :).
Monday we went shopping for clothes and I bought my first ever size 18 since I was actually 18!!! I couldn't believe it fit. I still can't believe it does. I made it into the teens again with all of you and it feels great. Once I am out of the 20's for good I will be even more happy.
Work this week is pretty insane. Always is this time of year with graduations etc but I work more with corporations than social clients and it is still nuts. I have no idea what is going on but it is a good thing! Yeah money. The first farmer's market of the season is this Saturday in my neighborhood and I am pretty sad because I realized I have an appointment that I made months ago that will prevent me from going. It will keep me away the exact hours the market is open. Grrrr, I am so going next weekend. Fresh strawberries will be mine!
I have missed all of you and I don't want any of you to think I quit or I don't care about you. I am here and I care. I am cheering you all on from the sidelines, just not commenting. Keep working, the rewards are worth it. I truly believe that without losing as much weight as I have so far I would not being having all the success in life I am having now. You are worth it. I am worth it. Hugs
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