Thursday, June 02, 2011
Yes, I have logged in everyday. Yes, I have been lurking about but not commenting because it sucks to do it on my phone. Where the heck have I been? Proving to myself and my bosses that I am the best damn thing that ever happened to them and you know what? I blew their freaking minds.
I had a meeting this week with one of the owners and they told me that 2 months ago they thought I was going to quit and had given up. That I didn't care anymore. That there was not a chance I was going to prove them wrong. NO ONE tells me I am a failure. NO ONE makes me feel like I am a failure and the best way to get me to something is tell me I can't.
In the last 60 days I tripled my sales, nailed several huge clients and in general have been kicking butt and taking names. Somewhere in there I have been managing to work out regularly and feel really great again. This is the first week I have not been able to get to my 4 days a week minimum goal. I took a personal day last Friday and got to spend almost the whole long weekend with my fiancé. We have not had that much time off together since our last vacation which was last August excluding my grandmother's funeral but that is not time off. He took Friday off to surprise me as well, yes, he is pretty freaking awesome. In the morning I went to meet with a mentor at my local SCORE chapter and I am so glad I did. He is awesome, very connected and brought with him the chapter leader. They both told me at least 3 times that I blew their minds and that I am better prepared than 99.9% of the people that come in to meet with them. I learned so many things that I never would have thought and they are going to help me fill in the blanks in the areas I don't have experience. I left feeling pretty jazzed about the whole thing. That afternoon we went shopping and ran a few errands and then came home and made dinner together. Best wild salmon ever for me and a truly delicious steak for him. It was so wonderful to just be together and no pressure.
Saturday he went out with the boys during the day to watch a soccer game and that is when I realized that food is a huge emotional comfort for me. I was angry that he left me on a holiday weekend when everyone I knew was away and I immediately sought food for comfort. I went to Homegoods and walked around for a bit and then food shopping for our BBQ on Sunday. All I could think about was what kind of takeout I was going to eat that night because he "abandoned me". My abandonment issues are much more deep rooted than I ever imagined. Yes, rationally I want him to have friends and I want to have friends but emotionally I feel like he is choosing them over me and I feel sad. I am sure it is a leftover remnant from my abusive childhood but I wish I could get past it. Truly. It isn't healthy for either of us.
He called me around 6 and asked if I wanted to meet him and his friends and go out for dinner with their respective wives and go dancing. It was fun and salsa dancing is not only great exercise but also one of our favorite things to do together. We always have a great time and he also made a huge effort to communicate with me that night about how going out with his friends with me was important to him and something he really wanted me to do. He usually would not have told me something like that and we are both finding that in the last 6 months we have almost not fought at all because we are making such an effort to communicate our needs to each other. I love this man to pieces.
Sunday we had a cookout with both families and I snuck in healthy foods. My sister in law was psyched because she had put on a few pounds and my niece is getting a bit chubby since she moved here. All she eats is fries and fried chicken and it freaks me out a bit but I would never say anything. Not my place. We all had a great time and the men spent a good hour trying to get our new couch into our apartment. Eventually they had to flip it over the back porch (we are on the second floor) with a rope system. Tons of work but it is here and I love it :).
Monday we went shopping for clothes and I bought my first ever size 18 since I was actually 18!!! I couldn't believe it fit. I still can't believe it does. I made it into the teens again with all of you and it feels great. Once I am out of the 20's for good I will be even more happy.
Work this week is pretty insane. Always is this time of year with graduations etc but I work more with corporations than social clients and it is still nuts. I have no idea what is going on but it is a good thing! Yeah money. The first farmer's market of the season is this Saturday in my neighborhood and I am pretty sad because I realized I have an appointment that I made months ago that will prevent me from going. It will keep me away the exact hours the market is open. Grrrr, I am so going next weekend. Fresh strawberries will be mine!
I have missed all of you and I don't want any of you to think I quit or I don't care about you. I am here and I care. I am cheering you all on from the sidelines, just not commenting. Keep working, the rewards are worth it. I truly believe that without losing as much weight as I have so far I would not being having all the success in life I am having now. You are worth it. I am worth it. Hugs
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