Nothing is easy in life and I don't just mean weight loss

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Yesterday I spoke with the man who runs the non-profit that I thought would help me and I realized that it isn't the right direction for me. Pretty much they will only help me if I already have money and can start paying them for rental space of the kitchen. They only offer business assistance or help securing loans at that point. Well how do I make money without any significant money???? He sent me a flyer for a business workshop that was free to City of Boston residents and it is a group of large corporations that give back to the community by helping small business owners get started. It is a pretty cool program. The seminar was about 3 hours after he told me about it so I decided to attend and I am happy I did.
I already knew most of what they were talking about since I took basic business courses in college but I wanted to network and get the financial advice they were offering. The funny thing about business is you have to have money to make money. There are a few programs the city offers for ground up culinary business sponsored by Sam Adams which is pretty cool and might be helpful to me. The bad part was I learned that basically because my credit got trashed in my divorce that will make it almost impossible for me to take out loans. I feel like I have be responsible since that time, not gotten debt I can't pay, not been reckless and I still am having problems almost 8 years later. When have I paid enough penance for my mistakes? Yes, I know there are other ways to get money and it means I will have to get more creative but I am upset and frustrated that with all the people like me who didn't know better and got taken advantage of by predatory lenders that there isn't a way for us to recover. The banks get away with a slap on the wrist and the people get to spend 10 years try to dig themselves out. Ok, enough of my social commentary on this whole topic.
I am lucky that my fiancé supports me because my family doesn't. I am not going to get into that in depth on here but I will just say I am hurt by some people's attitudes and lack of support or understanding. I truly thought this business was going to be my way out of being so miserable day to day but it seems like it is so far away now that it is unlikely to happen anytime soon and that is devastating. This dream was all I was clinging to for sanity.

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I need structure

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

One of the things I have learned about myself is that I hate keeping a schedule but I need to keep one. When I keep myself accountable and structured is when I am the most successful. I have always admired how NOTABOUTHEFACE plans her monthly workout schedule and sticks to it. No excuses. I had previously believed that kind of structure was something I didn't need but as I look back at the last 10 months I realized that when I am my most successful is when I am my most structured. One of my faults is I am a procrastinator and I let fear control me. I have still not filled out the application for the non-profit that will help my business and I know without a doubt it is because I am afraid. I tell myself that it is because I am so busy I just haven't had time to print it out but that is an excuse. Excuses are a big pet peeve of mine. I have worked out once in 2 weeks. Why, I am tired and stressed about work. Again, another excuse. If I keep this up I will end up heavy and miserable again and I never want to go back there so there you have it. I need a schedule. Period
This week I will achieve....
I will fill out the application
I will write out the outline for my business plan
I will weight train 3 days and do 4 days of at least 30 minutes of cardio this week including my first 5K Saturday! Scary
I will plan out my meals the night before and not eat at work.
I will keep away from refined sugar as much as possible
I think those are good for this week. Finding what works is an ever changing process and there is no shame in admitting something isn't working no matter how far you are along. I want to reach the 100 pounds loss mark by my 1 year anniversary with SP the end of June and I know if I stick with my plan I can be successful.

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My first sparkfriend meet up!

Sunday, May 08, 2011

This past Saturday afternoon my fiancé and I met up with GODZYFAN and VEGANINSALEM for lunch. We like to get out of the city and they live a few towns away from where I grew up so we headed their direction to check out a local café that they recommended.
Here is a pic of us! Having 3 women take a photo and agree on it was surprisingly easy!

Lunch was delicious and the café was really cute and the kind of place we hope to own someday. Focusing on local foods, healthy, organic and several choices for my vegan friends which was nice. I am starting to understand what they go through and it is definitely something that I plan to incorporate in my own menu. They both are absolutely who they represent themselves to be on spark which is awesome and it felt strange to chat about each others lives and what we all had going on like we had known each other for years when we really had just met!
After lunch we headed out for a stroll and went into a few shops and health food stores that they frequent and I loved the health food store in particular. It excites me to see these kinds of placing becoming more mainstream. Unfortunately A and I had to leave after a few hours but it was a wonderful time and I look forward to see them both as we encourage each other through our first 5k next weekend!

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Facing my fear

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

A bit of history about me. I met my first husband when I was 16 and we got married when I was 23. We had reached the point of either get married or break up. I had been with him for so long that I truthfully didn't know a life without him and I thought it was the right decision. I truly don't believe anyone goes into marriage thinking it will fail but there were clues from the beginning it would and I ignored them. For example I refused to allow forever to be said during the ceremony because I did not believe in forever. All good things can end, I guess it comes from a child of seeing her parents own abusive marriage. We bought a house, got 3 dogs and 2 cars and life got suffocating. By the end of the second year I was miserable. He never could hold down a job and I worked 60 hours a week at a miserable job to support us. I remember some of the defining moments of when I realized I had to leave.
One of my dreams since I was a kid was to get my Master's. I had supported him through his undergrad as he whined and refused to study. It almost cost me my own degree as I had to take the final semester off to pay bills and you know how that goes. I did end up forcing him to work so I could complete my degree. I started looking up Master's programs that would allow me to work full time and study at night or weekends because we couldn't support ourselves without 2 incomes. The next day he came home and told me he had signed up for a Master's program that was 2 years and he could not work during any of it because it was so intense and his parents had already signed the loan. Yes, it happened in 1 day. Oh and he had gone out and purchased a motorcycle that he road twice, ever. I remember sitting there thinking "this is a person who will never be able to help me live out any of my dreams, it is always about him".
It was never a conscious decision to leave. I had a house, tons of responsibilities and had never been alone. In my heart I knew I didn't love him anymore and in fact resented him. I never wanted him to touch me. That isn't normal in your early 20's. He revolted me. With each passing day I spent more time out of the house until one night a guy said to me "If you are so miserable why don't you get divorced?". (No, I never cheated and never considered it) It was like being hit by a ton of bricks. I had never considered it as an option before but I knew it was what I wanted. When I finally told him he cried and made a sound like I punched him in the stomach. I carried tremendous guilt over that for years.
I knew I would have to give up some things when I left but I didn't realize how bad it would get. I had put the down payment on the house so I kept it but we had a lot of mutual debt. He used our credit cards the whole time he was in school and managed to max out all of them. When we got divorced he agreed to pay me a set sum until they were paid off. He never made one payment and I felt so guilty for leaving I never took him to court. I felt like I deserved to be miserable for hurting him. A year later I was forced to sell my home. It was a mixed blessing. It had ghosts of so much pain and sadness. I couldn't be there and constantly be reminded of the pain and broken dreams. It was in a city I despised and only had agreed to purchase the home there because it was what he wanted.
One day I got online, found an apartment and moved into the city alone. All of our friends cut me out because I was a bad person for leaving him. Forget that a relationship ends because of both people's actions. It was my fault and I deserved to pay. It was one of the most pivotal moments in my life. Alone, friendless, in a big city. I had to get a roommate which you all know is a big barrel of problems in and of itself. I remember many nights huddled alone on my bed with my 2 dogs thinking what had I done to deserve this. However, I never wished I not left or thought of trying to go back to him.
Why am I telling this to all of you? Because I want you to see that yes, life is scary and unfair and difficult. The right decision is not always the easy or happy one to make. 5 years later I am the thinnest, happiest, most successful and healthy I have ever been. I met the love of my life almost 4 years ago. Being alone was hard, not going to lie, but it allowed me to find myself. Now as I look at my future and the big application for the non-profit that will allow me to start my business I am scared. I am scared to fail. I am scared no one will want to give me any funding after the problems as I had in my early 20's. As I read it over I had so many negative thoughts that I can't do this or that I am not ready. Really it is scary to take those risks again. To possibly not be successful and lose everything another time.
Life is scary but if we do not take risks we will never reach our dreams. Apply it how you wish but you can make your dreams happen too. It took almost being ruined for me but I got to find a place that makes me happy. Maybe I will never open a business but at least I am going to try.

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New Blog

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Today I took 2 steps in starting my business. First I sent in the mini-application for getting into a program that helps people start culinary businesses. Second I published my new healthy eating website. Check it out!
simplytastefuleats.blogspot.com/2011
/04/today-is-first-day.html

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