Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Today was my first willful binge since I started SP. I went out, hunted down, acquired and devoured my prey. I thought about it a lot and I could have stopped it. I didn't and I willfully chose not too. This is a big step. Now sure, some can read this in judgement and if you choose to that is your path but I would appreciate if you take your judgement elsewhere. I find people who judge generally have a lot to hide and can't face their own issues so they project them on others and feel better by belittling and feeling superior. I don't have time for it and I don't respect it. That being said I also am not looking for you to tell me it is ok and tomorrow is another day filled with a bunch of hug emoticons. It is not ok in any way, shape or form.
What I did learn today was that I will always be addicted to food. It isn't going to magically go away because I want it to and my trigger is being unhappy. My big aha moment. This is my pattern. Get happy in a new relationship, job, house etc and lose weight, then when the going gets tough, the job starts to be stressful, the relationship has problems etc I start to gain weight back. I gained the last 40 lbs at a job I hated so much that I literally used to fantasize about falling down and hurting myself so I could take time off. When I left that job I lost 35 lbs with little effort. The pattern stops here and now.
From this minute forward I am no longer allowing the excuses and lies creep back into my life and I am going to keep going down the healthy path.
Yes, that 1 piece of cake will hurt me.
Yes, I do need to pack my lunch even if it is more work.
No, skipping the gym just this once isn't acceptable.
No, calories on the weekends aren't free.
No, I don't enjoy running at this weight, it is painful, and it is ok to admit that and find other forms of cardio until it is less physically stressing on my joints.
Yes, it is ok to come on SP and talk about this instead of hiding because I don't want to make other people listen to my negativity. Negativity is a normal and healthy part of this process.
Yes, I do enjoy eating clean and have better self esteem when I stick to it.
Before SP I would have sat and cried feeling hopeless for days. I would have beaten myself up and told myself I would never be thin. Now, it is different. I know I can do this and I know I have solutions. There is a way out of the misery. I can do this. I have already lost more weight than some people could even imagine. How could anyone, including myself, see that as failure? It isn't possible.